A good friend helped me pack most of my books today. I feel encouraged. I also saw my apartment unit today and have made my final decision on paint colours. By doing a lot of the packing now, I hope to be fully ready to move in a few weeks.
I am thankful.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
This Day is Good
Today my parents have their 34th wedding anniversary. I talked with my Mother on the phone. I am blessed to have such good God-fearing parents.
Various church members who have had severe health struggles were back in church today. This was a real blessing.
My kitchen is full of things and empty boxes. I am going to try to calm some of the chaos today.
Various church members who have had severe health struggles were back in church today. This was a real blessing.
My kitchen is full of things and empty boxes. I am going to try to calm some of the chaos today.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Current Life Pictures
The view when walking to church; I can walk to my church in about 20 minutes or so.
If you had told me over ten years ago that I would live in the middle of a small city in Canada, in an apartment, I would of found you oddly suspect!
I like it though! I do not need a car, can walk to work and church and to the grocery store. There are many good restaurants and a pretty good bus system.
The leaves are turning!
About the picture below... a good friend helped me move boxes today. Now I just have to fill these boxes.
Like my Holly Hobbie plates? When a friend who had not seen me in over ten years, saw these plates, she felt they were more like the person she knew me to be, back then. Holly Hobbie plates, etc, originated from a woman in New England. Though I was raised in Michigan, New England is a big part of me. This makes Ottawa a good fit for me as well.
St. George (Greek) Orthodox Church in Halifax
These are pictures from my dear spiritual sister's wedding. Not of the wedding itself, but of the church. The weather was suprisingly warm for Mid-October. Sunshine and much happiness.
Taken before the wedding couple came.
St. George - one of my very special Saints. I have been to three weddings at churches dedicated to St. George and know of four couples married at various churches of St. George's....
It was so beautiful.... The iconostasis it the biggest I have seen in person - 16 icons on the top row. I wish I had more time to just be in this church and take it in.
I love how Christ is always the Centre of the Church and always the "Top" icon in the dome...
"That is Hard"
This is a phrase that my (spiritual) older sister says; often pointing out to me that something I am going through is hard, difficult, painful. There is so much of this in life sometimes.
Two people I know in the library world - their Dad's are both very ill right now; at least one of them may be dying. That is hard.
I am reading a book on death - by Joan Didion - a writer I more or less stumbled upon; I read a lot of writers who live in New England or New York City. I have lived six summers in New England; my spiritual mother lived in New England, her husband, now 85, originally hails from Long Island. Didion's year of magical thinking explores and captures the shock and initial grief of her husband's sudden death, weeks before their 40th year of marriage. I was saddened to realize, upon reading more about her, that her daughter died shortly after finishing the book.
Sometimes life and the suffering within it can seem so bewildering.
My work can be stressful to say the least - the corporate culture I work in can be very pressured and my clients can need things ASAP and some of the younger one's stress is so palpable that I can feel inwardly overwhelmed. Yet, yesterday afternoon I felt surprisingly peaceful; surely a moment from God as inner peace is one of the things I struggle to receive...
I can see vaguely that when I go beyond myself and love the people I work for, things are better within me...
Two people were going to help me brave the boxes in my basement apartment locker. One had to cancel due to life's circumstances.
Various people have said they would help me move; but; well. I am going to hire movers anyway. My experience in Ottawa is that people are usually so swept up in the drama and stress (both real) of their own lives that they cannot help me in ways they wish. This is NOT saying that people don't help me here. When I was on bed rest for two months with a crush injury and two fractures in my foot, various people very faithfully came - cooking, cleaning, doing my laundry, taking care of my and my Cat Cleo's needs. But I am still hiring movers. It will make it easier; I will still need lots of other help...
I have already begun telling people: I am dreading the move but look forward to the new apartment. When talking to one of my closest friends, I added, but change is hard! I will still miss this too-small-but-very-familiar apartment. I have lived here two years. I have only lived in one other place that long since I was 18. I am nearing 32 now.
My place is a bit crowded in general; I am really not sure where I will put the boxes. If you saw my current place, you would quickly see what I mean. One of my compassionate helping-me-this-summer friends, when trying to get some things for me in my apartment, told me she began to realize how small and difficult this place is to navigate.
Lord have mercy - on my suffering friends and on myself...
Two people I know in the library world - their Dad's are both very ill right now; at least one of them may be dying. That is hard.
I am reading a book on death - by Joan Didion - a writer I more or less stumbled upon; I read a lot of writers who live in New England or New York City. I have lived six summers in New England; my spiritual mother lived in New England, her husband, now 85, originally hails from Long Island. Didion's year of magical thinking explores and captures the shock and initial grief of her husband's sudden death, weeks before their 40th year of marriage. I was saddened to realize, upon reading more about her, that her daughter died shortly after finishing the book.
Sometimes life and the suffering within it can seem so bewildering.
My work can be stressful to say the least - the corporate culture I work in can be very pressured and my clients can need things ASAP and some of the younger one's stress is so palpable that I can feel inwardly overwhelmed. Yet, yesterday afternoon I felt surprisingly peaceful; surely a moment from God as inner peace is one of the things I struggle to receive...
I can see vaguely that when I go beyond myself and love the people I work for, things are better within me...
Two people were going to help me brave the boxes in my basement apartment locker. One had to cancel due to life's circumstances.
Various people have said they would help me move; but; well. I am going to hire movers anyway. My experience in Ottawa is that people are usually so swept up in the drama and stress (both real) of their own lives that they cannot help me in ways they wish. This is NOT saying that people don't help me here. When I was on bed rest for two months with a crush injury and two fractures in my foot, various people very faithfully came - cooking, cleaning, doing my laundry, taking care of my and my Cat Cleo's needs. But I am still hiring movers. It will make it easier; I will still need lots of other help...
I have already begun telling people: I am dreading the move but look forward to the new apartment. When talking to one of my closest friends, I added, but change is hard! I will still miss this too-small-but-very-familiar apartment. I have lived here two years. I have only lived in one other place that long since I was 18. I am nearing 32 now.
My place is a bit crowded in general; I am really not sure where I will put the boxes. If you saw my current place, you would quickly see what I mean. One of my compassionate helping-me-this-summer friends, when trying to get some things for me in my apartment, told me she began to realize how small and difficult this place is to navigate.
Lord have mercy - on my suffering friends and on myself...
Monday, October 20, 2008
The hard, good and um, funny...
The funny first. I was having a good day at work - when I realized that I was wearing one brown shoe and one black. Sigh. Good thing I find this funny...
The good Fr. Lawrence's podcasts have begun! It is wonderful to hear his voice and listen to him explain the Scriptures. He was there at the beginning of my journey into the Orthodox Church and I thank God for him.
Also I found a copy of Madeleine L' Engle's book A Wind in the Door today at public library book sale! I am not sure if I have read this one or not - I probably have but it has been a long time. I also found a copy of Dragons in the Waters which I am giving to a friend.
I am reading a lot of books right now - Kathleen Norris's book, an Amanda Cross mystery (No word from Winifred), Ulysses by Joyce (wanted to be more in the know as one of my friends is reading it for class; I know it is long and at times said to be unreadable), and I recently obtained, from 8th day books, St. Ephriam's Spiritual Psalter. Ancient Faith Radio reads some of these prayers throughout the day; I am grateful to have a copy. I am reading this book very slowly.
New and old books - L' Engle I have been reading more or less avidly for the last 12 years - Amanda Cross is great for thinking about the academic world, esp. English departments. One gets a real sense of the time period through reading popular mysteries and she deals with a lot of questions, including about the self, feminism, youth, and the current states in culture.
I picked up her book on Winifred when I was in Halifax, at the most overwhelming, real, wood floor and shelves with books that seem to almost cascade down tottering piles bookstore. I would go back, I think, almost solely to see this store again! It was lovely. Their mystery section had classics, they had a small wall of orange Penguins and a small corner with lots of editions of the Bible. I am hunting for a good edition of The Jerusalem Bible as I find that translation of the Psalms very tender. (Through another wonderful translation, which I do own, from 8th day books, is the Psalter of the Seventy).
Okay, the hard. As in hard to know how to process - I am going to have a panihida soon (if all goes as I hope) for my spiritual mother who died ten years ago last week. This is hard to know how to process as grief and as a prayer and not as any form of self-pity, which will hinder real growth, grief and prayer.
A lot is going on for me - preparing for a move, learning my new job - and figuring out how to live and not let go of the reader/bookish/writer side. God is good and I am thankful; He has given me so much.
ps: still working on downloading the Halifax pictures. Soon, I hope!
The good Fr. Lawrence's podcasts have begun! It is wonderful to hear his voice and listen to him explain the Scriptures. He was there at the beginning of my journey into the Orthodox Church and I thank God for him.
Also I found a copy of Madeleine L' Engle's book A Wind in the Door today at public library book sale! I am not sure if I have read this one or not - I probably have but it has been a long time. I also found a copy of Dragons in the Waters which I am giving to a friend.
I am reading a lot of books right now - Kathleen Norris's book, an Amanda Cross mystery (No word from Winifred), Ulysses by Joyce (wanted to be more in the know as one of my friends is reading it for class; I know it is long and at times said to be unreadable), and I recently obtained, from 8th day books, St. Ephriam's Spiritual Psalter. Ancient Faith Radio reads some of these prayers throughout the day; I am grateful to have a copy. I am reading this book very slowly.
New and old books - L' Engle I have been reading more or less avidly for the last 12 years - Amanda Cross is great for thinking about the academic world, esp. English departments. One gets a real sense of the time period through reading popular mysteries and she deals with a lot of questions, including about the self, feminism, youth, and the current states in culture.
I picked up her book on Winifred when I was in Halifax, at the most overwhelming, real, wood floor and shelves with books that seem to almost cascade down tottering piles bookstore. I would go back, I think, almost solely to see this store again! It was lovely. Their mystery section had classics, they had a small wall of orange Penguins and a small corner with lots of editions of the Bible. I am hunting for a good edition of The Jerusalem Bible as I find that translation of the Psalms very tender. (Through another wonderful translation, which I do own, from 8th day books, is the Psalter of the Seventy).
Okay, the hard. As in hard to know how to process - I am going to have a panihida soon (if all goes as I hope) for my spiritual mother who died ten years ago last week. This is hard to know how to process as grief and as a prayer and not as any form of self-pity, which will hinder real growth, grief and prayer.
A lot is going on for me - preparing for a move, learning my new job - and figuring out how to live and not let go of the reader/bookish/writer side. God is good and I am thankful; He has given me so much.
ps: still working on downloading the Halifax pictures. Soon, I hope!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Back
"Back" is a title of a lovely poem by Jane Kenyon... for her it meant back from the darkness of depression...
In my case, I am back from Halifax and back online. My lovely little laptop was getting a "tune up" at the shop, as it were.
I have tons of blog posts to read...so if I usually comment on yours and have not, that is why.
I have heard rumours that Kathleen Norris making a stop here in Ottawa! Clearly, I must investigate this.
I will try to write about my time last weekend in Halifax soon. I have lovely pictures of the Greek church to share.
In my case, I am back from Halifax and back online. My lovely little laptop was getting a "tune up" at the shop, as it were.
I have tons of blog posts to read...so if I usually comment on yours and have not, that is why.
I have heard rumours that Kathleen Norris making a stop here in Ottawa! Clearly, I must investigate this.
I will try to write about my time last weekend in Halifax soon. I have lovely pictures of the Greek church to share.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Books, podcasts and tea
I am still slowly reading Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris. I will try to blog about this. For now suffice to say that I keep thinking I need to quote or tab (I can't bring myself to write in a first edition) on every page. It is a book that is worth reading slowly.
I am re-reading Agatha Christie's Murder at the Vicarage; I love mysteries and really felt like reading one with Miss Jane Marple.
I listened to two podcasts by Fr. Thomas Hopko on Ancient Faith Radio - really good. One on the saints and their intercessions and one on what he would say for a commencement address. I found myself listening and thinking why did no one tell me what he is telling me when I was in University!!
Must go to bed early; feel like I could get a cold again and am to fly to Halifax DV this weekend. I bought a box of lemon tea in hopes of avoiding sickness. It does not help that my apartment building does not have the heat turned on yet and it is COLD. There is a Frost Warning for tonight. Did I mention that I am moving?
Thank God for such blessings in books, podcasts, good teaching on the spiritual life, and the simple enjoyment of a cup of lemon tea.
I am re-reading Agatha Christie's Murder at the Vicarage; I love mysteries and really felt like reading one with Miss Jane Marple.
I listened to two podcasts by Fr. Thomas Hopko on Ancient Faith Radio - really good. One on the saints and their intercessions and one on what he would say for a commencement address. I found myself listening and thinking why did no one tell me what he is telling me when I was in University!!
Must go to bed early; feel like I could get a cold again and am to fly to Halifax DV this weekend. I bought a box of lemon tea in hopes of avoiding sickness. It does not help that my apartment building does not have the heat turned on yet and it is COLD. There is a Frost Warning for tonight. Did I mention that I am moving?
Thank God for such blessings in books, podcasts, good teaching on the spiritual life, and the simple enjoyment of a cup of lemon tea.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Joys, Sorrows and a Kitchen Table
In a week my very good friend - who is like an older sister to me - will be married! I fly to Halifax for the wedding this coming Friday morning. I am almost totally ready for this and am excited.
At the same time, this month marks the 10 year anniversary of the death of a woman who truly was and is my spiritual mother, though she was not Orthodox. I hope to be having a panihida for her at church before the end of this month. I learned about prayers for the dead within a year of her death and I still miss her very much. I was only 21 when she died, which now I see as very young to lose one's spiritual mother. How grateful I was, however, to have her in my life right when I needed her. In a real way, you could say that God used her to rescue me from spiritually destroying myself when I was young, hurting and confused. When she died I felt that my Mother had died. (FYI I have a very good biological mother; it is just in life one can also have a spiritual mother as well). So I miss her and cannot tell you how important it is to me to be Orthodox and be able to pray for her still. Truly, somehow, to pray for and with her, in church.
And so life is full of joys and sorrows.
On a lighter note, I am researching dinning room sets - I am hoping to find a well made dining room table and China cabinet. I am dreaming of a brown oak.
I talked with my spiritual father today after our after liturgy meal and my heart was filled with joy.
When my spiritual mother died, I did not think it was possible to be given a new spiritual home. I am so thankful for my church and my spiritual father.
In all things I know I must say, Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!
At the same time, this month marks the 10 year anniversary of the death of a woman who truly was and is my spiritual mother, though she was not Orthodox. I hope to be having a panihida for her at church before the end of this month. I learned about prayers for the dead within a year of her death and I still miss her very much. I was only 21 when she died, which now I see as very young to lose one's spiritual mother. How grateful I was, however, to have her in my life right when I needed her. In a real way, you could say that God used her to rescue me from spiritually destroying myself when I was young, hurting and confused. When she died I felt that my Mother had died. (FYI I have a very good biological mother; it is just in life one can also have a spiritual mother as well). So I miss her and cannot tell you how important it is to me to be Orthodox and be able to pray for her still. Truly, somehow, to pray for and with her, in church.
And so life is full of joys and sorrows.
On a lighter note, I am researching dinning room sets - I am hoping to find a well made dining room table and China cabinet. I am dreaming of a brown oak.
I talked with my spiritual father today after our after liturgy meal and my heart was filled with joy.
When my spiritual mother died, I did not think it was possible to be given a new spiritual home. I am so thankful for my church and my spiritual father.
In all things I know I must say, Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Two Years, Two Months
I am giving my 2 months notice tomorrow!
I found this part of my letter amusing (though serious):
Please note that I have a Cat who I love. If you have apartment viewings, please ensure that she does not escape. She has a tendency to wait at the front door for such an opportunity.
I have lived in my apartment two years tomorrow. A lot can happen in two years!
Pray for me!!! I have to start preparing more to move soon!
I found this part of my letter amusing (though serious):
Please note that I have a Cat who I love. If you have apartment viewings, please ensure that she does not escape. She has a tendency to wait at the front door for such an opportunity.
I have lived in my apartment two years tomorrow. A lot can happen in two years!
Pray for me!!! I have to start preparing more to move soon!
Thoughts
I had to do some brave things. Or one thing, particularly. I did my first social work lunch. phew. I did not spill that I know of and it went well. At least as well as it could of... I am still learning city and the specific corporate culture that I now work in.
I have days I really like being a librarian. I enjoy the administration (i.e. the running of) the library and doing research.
I am behind on dishes - I admit to being overtired; am worried that I may get sick again. I always was a bit on the fragile side of things.
Am really comforted when I read Fr. Stephen Freeman's blog about the One-Story Universe. It is wonderful to realize (though I usually forget and have to re-realize) that there is a lot of help and protection in this world. That there are Saints and Angels. That Jesus has Grandparents (Sts. Joachim and Anna) and a Holy Mother (the Theotokos, Greek for God-bearer) and that they can pray for and care for us. Of course I would say who wouldn't want Jesus' Grandparents to care for them too!! But it is another thing to realize that these holy Saints can actually pray for us and care for us.
I have been thinking more about Saints Joachim and Anna lately. The Cathedral I go to mid-week has both of them high on a wall in stain glass (it used to be a Catholic church) and I can see them from where I sit... and last week Monday was their day, Old Calendar. I just got a beautiful icon of them for a very close friend, a spiritual sister. Actually she is the first one who introduced me to them...
I am so blessed and I did nothing to deserve it.
I have days I really like being a librarian. I enjoy the administration (i.e. the running of) the library and doing research.
I am behind on dishes - I admit to being overtired; am worried that I may get sick again. I always was a bit on the fragile side of things.
Am really comforted when I read Fr. Stephen Freeman's blog about the One-Story Universe. It is wonderful to realize (though I usually forget and have to re-realize) that there is a lot of help and protection in this world. That there are Saints and Angels. That Jesus has Grandparents (Sts. Joachim and Anna) and a Holy Mother (the Theotokos, Greek for God-bearer) and that they can pray for and care for us. Of course I would say who wouldn't want Jesus' Grandparents to care for them too!! But it is another thing to realize that these holy Saints can actually pray for us and care for us.
I have been thinking more about Saints Joachim and Anna lately. The Cathedral I go to mid-week has both of them high on a wall in stain glass (it used to be a Catholic church) and I can see them from where I sit... and last week Monday was their day, Old Calendar. I just got a beautiful icon of them for a very close friend, a spiritual sister. Actually she is the first one who introduced me to them...
I am so blessed and I did nothing to deserve it.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Good
I am thankful to say that I survived the interview day and it went well.
God has richly blessed me - I feel very thankful for my Orthodox church and for my DV future apartment and such things.
God has richly blessed me - I feel very thankful for my Orthodox church and for my DV future apartment and such things.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
New Things
Tomorrow DV I will take part in interviews for a one day/week position where I work. I have never interviewed anyone formally and will be a supervisor for the first time. I feel young and intimidated. Please pray for me.
On the New Calendar it is St. John the Beloved's Feast Day; I need his prayers as he can teach me to have silence within. How much I need to learn this.
Thank you for your prayers.
On the New Calendar it is St. John the Beloved's Feast Day; I need his prayers as he can teach me to have silence within. How much I need to learn this.
Thank you for your prayers.
Long Jean Skirt
I ordered a Jean skirt and it fits! How is it that a long to-the-tops-of-my-feet skirt is so exciting?
It is strange to realize that I have just gotten some really classic durable clothes that I plan on wearing for years.
I feel like I am still slowly entering my thirties...
Kathleen Norris' latest book is quite fascinating. I will try to post about this later.
It is strange to realize that I have just gotten some really classic durable clothes that I plan on wearing for years.
I feel like I am still slowly entering my thirties...
Kathleen Norris' latest book is quite fascinating. I will try to post about this later.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris
Kathleen Norris just published a new book - Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life - published in 2008 by Riverhead books.
A dear undergrad friend, ten years ago, wrote me letters when I worked at camp. Every letter included something about Norris' Cloister Walk. I remember reading my friend's copy later that year; I remember reading Norris' Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith in a hotel in Missouri when the second leg of my flight home was cancelled. Her books changed my life and, without my knowledge, prepared me for the Orthodox church.
Wow. I just found out her latest book, Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life was published. I began reading it tonight. I can honestly say if I take this book seriously, as I pray I will, my life is going to continue changing. But with time, a lot of time and struggle. It is examining parts of life that I had never considered the ramifications before. It is exciting but I know also that it will take a lot of pondering, deliberation and choices on how I live.
Needless to say, I strongly recommend this book... and I am only on page 18 (well, okay I cheated and looked ahead a bit too...). Thank God for writers such as she.
A dear undergrad friend, ten years ago, wrote me letters when I worked at camp. Every letter included something about Norris' Cloister Walk. I remember reading my friend's copy later that year; I remember reading Norris' Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith in a hotel in Missouri when the second leg of my flight home was cancelled. Her books changed my life and, without my knowledge, prepared me for the Orthodox church.
Wow. I just found out her latest book, Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life was published. I began reading it tonight. I can honestly say if I take this book seriously, as I pray I will, my life is going to continue changing. But with time, a lot of time and struggle. It is examining parts of life that I had never considered the ramifications before. It is exciting but I know also that it will take a lot of pondering, deliberation and choices on how I live.
Needless to say, I strongly recommend this book... and I am only on page 18 (well, okay I cheated and looked ahead a bit too...). Thank God for writers such as she.
Today, Old Calendar
It is the commemoration of Saints Joachim and Anna, the parents of the Theotokos, Mother of God... It is a very special day! Christ's Grandparents.
I am slowly feeling better and have had a good weekend of quiet. I thank God for His mercy.
I am slowly feeling better and have had a good weekend of quiet. I thank God for His mercy.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Part of my story or at least of this chapter
Often I blog when I am happy – I guess this makes for an imbalanced blog, in the sense of it appears that my life is going along in a constant exhausting relentless happy-go-lucky way. Other than the two month broken foot bed-rest summer. Of course anyone who knows me well knows this is not me at all.
Really I am a quiet bookish person who, at the same time, has the capacity to talk a lot when with friends and goes though life feeling things often in a highly intense manner. In someways I am unique though or stubborn or at least in someways quite narrow in my existence. (Or what some would think of as quite narrow, missing almost all sense of proportion and depth).
For instance – I live in Ottawa, the capital of the country (i.e. of Canada) – and I avoid politics, news and all TV. I actually have the capacity as a librarian to know what is really going on – the corporate world I work in as a librarian has to do with the legal and financial world. So if I did want to know the news behind the news, I could easily do so. However, I find it unhelpful to my sense of inward balance and peace, meagre as it is. I know by general feel what is going on through the blogs I read, through the facebook comments of friends, through conversations and through the air. I know of the fear of economies collapsing, the elections, and that there are constantly tragic and beautiful events going on.
But in general I would rather ignore it; it does not seem conducive to helping or adding to my life at this point.
I do not listen to the radio and often go days without listening to music; it is not that I do not love music. I do. And at work I often listen to Ancient Faith Radio; it is like listening, at times, to highly classical and liturgical music. I have some CDs from the St. Elisabeth the New Martyr Convent near Minsk in Belarus. My home church has a beautiful choir.
I am realizing that I will never fit the culture I live in; sure, the colours of paint I am choosing (some sort of muted olive green and a light very pale blue) for my new apartment are currently popular. But really, I love the room in the Dorothy Sayer’s movie I watched again yesterday – Have His Carcase – 1920’s/1930s – full of books, tea cups, things on the walls. Not at all the current popular decluttered minimalist look that is currently all the rage.
I am currently holed up in my apartment with a head cold; it has given me needed time to think and be quiet. I have come to come some good realizations that were hovering and waiting to be articulated, acknowledged. One, there are aspects of my current apartment that I will miss. Esp. my prayer corner, which is a lovely small space, very intimate and warm. Also, it is a huge transition to have a permanent job; I still have a lot of fear of failing it and of suddenly being jobless and with a more expensive apartment. Also I have had to admit that it takes time to set up a new apartment; I remember how long it took with my current one. it takes time for a new place to feel like home. I am relieved, however, that my next move will be easier because I have more people to help me move. Which is good. As excited as I am to have my first apartment with a living room, moving is a hard and stressful event for me, as it is for many. It is very high on the ‘life-stress’ scale. But it is time; where I live now is no longer taken care of and when winter comes with its long and cold months, it is really depressing to live in a place with dirty halls.
I keep having dreams revolving around moving into an unsuitable apartment, that does not fit my tall bookcase.
But I am also learning, even though I did not always have the support I needed when moving, this time I do have it. And somehow, wonderfully, God has given me some true friends and family away from home who love me. I have people when I have a head cold, as I currently do, will bring me Campbell's chicken soup, garlic, tea and chocolate.
I am learning to see how detailed, how particular, God’s care for me is. I am slowly learning to trust.
Really I am a quiet bookish person who, at the same time, has the capacity to talk a lot when with friends and goes though life feeling things often in a highly intense manner. In someways I am unique though or stubborn or at least in someways quite narrow in my existence. (Or what some would think of as quite narrow, missing almost all sense of proportion and depth).
For instance – I live in Ottawa, the capital of the country (i.e. of Canada) – and I avoid politics, news and all TV. I actually have the capacity as a librarian to know what is really going on – the corporate world I work in as a librarian has to do with the legal and financial world. So if I did want to know the news behind the news, I could easily do so. However, I find it unhelpful to my sense of inward balance and peace, meagre as it is. I know by general feel what is going on through the blogs I read, through the facebook comments of friends, through conversations and through the air. I know of the fear of economies collapsing, the elections, and that there are constantly tragic and beautiful events going on.
But in general I would rather ignore it; it does not seem conducive to helping or adding to my life at this point.
I do not listen to the radio and often go days without listening to music; it is not that I do not love music. I do. And at work I often listen to Ancient Faith Radio; it is like listening, at times, to highly classical and liturgical music. I have some CDs from the St. Elisabeth the New Martyr Convent near Minsk in Belarus. My home church has a beautiful choir.
I am realizing that I will never fit the culture I live in; sure, the colours of paint I am choosing (some sort of muted olive green and a light very pale blue) for my new apartment are currently popular. But really, I love the room in the Dorothy Sayer’s movie I watched again yesterday – Have His Carcase – 1920’s/1930s – full of books, tea cups, things on the walls. Not at all the current popular decluttered minimalist look that is currently all the rage.
I am currently holed up in my apartment with a head cold; it has given me needed time to think and be quiet. I have come to come some good realizations that were hovering and waiting to be articulated, acknowledged. One, there are aspects of my current apartment that I will miss. Esp. my prayer corner, which is a lovely small space, very intimate and warm. Also, it is a huge transition to have a permanent job; I still have a lot of fear of failing it and of suddenly being jobless and with a more expensive apartment. Also I have had to admit that it takes time to set up a new apartment; I remember how long it took with my current one. it takes time for a new place to feel like home. I am relieved, however, that my next move will be easier because I have more people to help me move. Which is good. As excited as I am to have my first apartment with a living room, moving is a hard and stressful event for me, as it is for many. It is very high on the ‘life-stress’ scale. But it is time; where I live now is no longer taken care of and when winter comes with its long and cold months, it is really depressing to live in a place with dirty halls.
I keep having dreams revolving around moving into an unsuitable apartment, that does not fit my tall bookcase.
But I am also learning, even though I did not always have the support I needed when moving, this time I do have it. And somehow, wonderfully, God has given me some true friends and family away from home who love me. I have people when I have a head cold, as I currently do, will bring me Campbell's chicken soup, garlic, tea and chocolate.
I am learning to see how detailed, how particular, God’s care for me is. I am slowly learning to trust.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Doing Fine, I think
All seems well at the moment. Have chosen a muted green and a light pale blue for wall colours. Am planning on a trip to Halifax for a dear sister's wedding in October - am excited. My first 'vacation' in years, other than home for Christmas, which cannot be underrated!
My job is going okay - I am getting used to it and have had some good days.
I feel like this is a special time in my life - first permanent job, soon to have DV first apartment with living room, a weekend in Halifax DV - I am blessed.
However, I am also aware of the importance of this quotation:
"Life is a precious and unique gift, and we squander it foolishly and carelessly, forgetful of its brevity.
Either we look back with yearning on the past or else we live in the expectation of a future in which, it seems to us, life will really begin; whereas the present-that is, our lief as it actually is-is wasted in these fruitless dreams and regrets."
pg 28, The Diary of a Russian Priest by Alexander Elchaninov
It is significant spiritual struggle for me to learn to live in the present and not only to live in it, but savour it, be aware of it, be thankful in it, no matter what the present brings or reveals.
Lord have mercy.
My job is going okay - I am getting used to it and have had some good days.
I feel like this is a special time in my life - first permanent job, soon to have DV first apartment with living room, a weekend in Halifax DV - I am blessed.
However, I am also aware of the importance of this quotation:
"Life is a precious and unique gift, and we squander it foolishly and carelessly, forgetful of its brevity.
Either we look back with yearning on the past or else we live in the expectation of a future in which, it seems to us, life will really begin; whereas the present-that is, our lief as it actually is-is wasted in these fruitless dreams and regrets."
pg 28, The Diary of a Russian Priest by Alexander Elchaninov
It is significant spiritual struggle for me to learn to live in the present and not only to live in it, but savour it, be aware of it, be thankful in it, no matter what the present brings or reveals.
Lord have mercy.
Friday, September 05, 2008
The Next Step - Moving!
By God's grace I have found a wonderful downtown one bedroom apartment in my price range. It has everything I wanted - wood floors, light, balcony and sliding door, lots of cupboards, storage space, controlled entrance and is well taken care of. It is quiet and is a corner unit; the super lives on site.
I move December first, which gives me time to continue getting used to my new job, and to pack, declutter, purge and plan. Today I am to sign the lease and hope to take measurements.
I am so relieved and still can hardly believe it. I will be 32 at the end of December, Lord willing, and this apartment is the first 'adult' apartment for me. I have purposely chosen to stay in my smaller, cheaper apartment in order to have savings and because I did not have a permanent job - only contracts.
I hope to live in this apartment for a long time; I can walk to church and to my work and to the grocery store. I have saved up money to buy furniture for my living room; IKEA will continue to get my business.
I am more peaceful about work and really love that I have a small library to run; I love the flexibility and independence.
I am more determined to continue to create a life here in Ottawa; with my new apartment I can, Lord willing, have friends over and will have space for everything. My living room will be kid-proof as I want to have my friends with kids over. I am feeling happy and hopeful about this.
I move December first, which gives me time to continue getting used to my new job, and to pack, declutter, purge and plan. Today I am to sign the lease and hope to take measurements.
I am so relieved and still can hardly believe it. I will be 32 at the end of December, Lord willing, and this apartment is the first 'adult' apartment for me. I have purposely chosen to stay in my smaller, cheaper apartment in order to have savings and because I did not have a permanent job - only contracts.
I hope to live in this apartment for a long time; I can walk to church and to my work and to the grocery store. I have saved up money to buy furniture for my living room; IKEA will continue to get my business.
I am more peaceful about work and really love that I have a small library to run; I love the flexibility and independence.
I am more determined to continue to create a life here in Ottawa; with my new apartment I can, Lord willing, have friends over and will have space for everything. My living room will be kid-proof as I want to have my friends with kids over. I am feeling happy and hopeful about this.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Labour Day / New Calendar New Year
After a good weekend of teas, brunch and the Sunday church meal, it is time to get ready for the week.
I am thankful that this week only has three work days in it for me! Work is slowly getting better; a lot to learn.
Most of all though, I need to learn to trust God more and stay peaceful.
I am looking for a new place to live; I desire a bigger closet and a living room. Even though moving is an added stress, along with my new job, I feel it is time to move, if at all possible.
I do not want to live through another winter in this apartment building. I am looking at a place tomorrow night - good location and it has a dishwasher - we will see.
I realized, a few weeks ago, a wonderful thing or saw it from a new angle. Psalm 50/51... when it says
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.
I realized that God also is not despising of those who are weak, broken... it was comforting to realize that while many elevate the strong, the beautiful and the rich, God is does not despise those who are broken and weak.
Praying that this new year will be truly a new year...
I am thankful that this week only has three work days in it for me! Work is slowly getting better; a lot to learn.
Most of all though, I need to learn to trust God more and stay peaceful.
I am looking for a new place to live; I desire a bigger closet and a living room. Even though moving is an added stress, along with my new job, I feel it is time to move, if at all possible.
I do not want to live through another winter in this apartment building. I am looking at a place tomorrow night - good location and it has a dishwasher - we will see.
I realized, a few weeks ago, a wonderful thing or saw it from a new angle. Psalm 50/51... when it says
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.
I realized that God also is not despising of those who are weak, broken... it was comforting to realize that while many elevate the strong, the beautiful and the rich, God is does not despise those who are broken and weak.
Praying that this new year will be truly a new year...
Friday, August 22, 2008
third week is over
I have been working three weeks now. It is still overwhelming.
I am learning more about seeking to be at peace and trusting God.
Not much more to say than this.
I am learning more about seeking to be at peace and trusting God.
Not much more to say than this.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Saturday Morning, Early
I did not wake until 6. This is a feat for me, as I often find myself awoken between 4 and 5 am; it seems that even though I am not a mother, I still have her hours. Ironic, perhaps, that I can relate to my newly-mothered friends who are not getting enough sleep.
Well. I read or perhaps re-read half of Sue Grafton's _O is for Outlaw_ and well... skipped the the end. She admits to writing in the more 'hard-boiled' mystery novels; I have read her on and off over the last years. She writes similar books each time, but with a progression in the character's life. I really like K. M., her main character. But I realized that the characteristics of K.M. are not what I need right now - her stubborn Independence and singular aloneness - with a few exceptions. It is interesting, however, to read about a fictional character in the first person; Sue Grafton is excellent in sustaining K.M.'s characterisation. But I find she can lead one to think that they are alone in the world and not in need of anyone else. First, we are never alone; God and His Saints do not abandon. Second, we do need other people.
It is not easy to live in this century as a single person; yet I do not want a roommate really. Sometimes even things I enjoy I do not like to do alone - like cooking. I think cookbooks sell so well because they speak of and assume some sort of community or family. I love feeding people and it is hard not to have a family to feed. I am a professional woman apparently but really it was only so I could survive and be able to support myself - not something I planned on exactly. Not that I am unhappy about it, but community and family has always been more important to me.
I am fortunate; one of my friends who I keep up with via her blog had people asking about when she would have a family etc. A very inappropriate thing to ask a single woman. As if these things are fully in our hands, as if it is easy.
Life is not easy for anyone; and I know that I am blessed that I have a job. Even if the job is a bit overwhelming right now, it has potential to be good.
I have started reading _In Remembrance of Rose_ by M.R.D. Meek... published in 1986... and also a used book I picked up, entitled _when in Greece_ by Emma Lathen, first published in 1969. The book by Meek is a British mystery and appears to promise the well written English family drama involving murder and lawyers. Lathen's book has to do with political intrigue and finance while being a mystery with murder.
Am also slowly watching a play on DVD, _The Man Who Came to Dinner_. I am enjoying it - the acting is great, I love the props and the time period - I could do without the intermissions that I cannot easily fast-forward through, however.
Later this morning I am meeting a friend; I find I have to intentionally focus on building community. When in school one more easily meets people of similar minds; out of school one has to work at it.
Well. I read or perhaps re-read half of Sue Grafton's _O is for Outlaw_ and well... skipped the the end. She admits to writing in the more 'hard-boiled' mystery novels; I have read her on and off over the last years. She writes similar books each time, but with a progression in the character's life. I really like K. M., her main character. But I realized that the characteristics of K.M. are not what I need right now - her stubborn Independence and singular aloneness - with a few exceptions. It is interesting, however, to read about a fictional character in the first person; Sue Grafton is excellent in sustaining K.M.'s characterisation. But I find she can lead one to think that they are alone in the world and not in need of anyone else. First, we are never alone; God and His Saints do not abandon. Second, we do need other people.
It is not easy to live in this century as a single person; yet I do not want a roommate really. Sometimes even things I enjoy I do not like to do alone - like cooking. I think cookbooks sell so well because they speak of and assume some sort of community or family. I love feeding people and it is hard not to have a family to feed. I am a professional woman apparently but really it was only so I could survive and be able to support myself - not something I planned on exactly. Not that I am unhappy about it, but community and family has always been more important to me.
I am fortunate; one of my friends who I keep up with via her blog had people asking about when she would have a family etc. A very inappropriate thing to ask a single woman. As if these things are fully in our hands, as if it is easy.
Life is not easy for anyone; and I know that I am blessed that I have a job. Even if the job is a bit overwhelming right now, it has potential to be good.
I have started reading _In Remembrance of Rose_ by M.R.D. Meek... published in 1986... and also a used book I picked up, entitled _when in Greece_ by Emma Lathen, first published in 1969. The book by Meek is a British mystery and appears to promise the well written English family drama involving murder and lawyers. Lathen's book has to do with political intrigue and finance while being a mystery with murder.
Am also slowly watching a play on DVD, _The Man Who Came to Dinner_. I am enjoying it - the acting is great, I love the props and the time period - I could do without the intermissions that I cannot easily fast-forward through, however.
Later this morning I am meeting a friend; I find I have to intentionally focus on building community. When in school one more easily meets people of similar minds; out of school one has to work at it.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Okay... Thank God
Over all things are OK.
My new job is quite overwhelming; lots to do; I am praying for a part time person to help. I have found work clothes on sale and ironed others. Where I work has a dress code... Not that I did not dress up for work before; I started wearing work clothes when finishing my Honours BA years ago... I find it helpful to have clothes just for work and then, when I am home, to change. I guess in someways it is like acting - different props for different roles.
My work has a paid for by work cookie tin. Chocolate. This is wonderful. Of course now my Dormition fast is about to begin... :)
Read a wonderful line today about someone working in church... that people pray for those who work and those who work work for those who pray... reminded me of the monastery I go to when I am at my parent's home...
so I thank God.
My new job is quite overwhelming; lots to do; I am praying for a part time person to help. I have found work clothes on sale and ironed others. Where I work has a dress code... Not that I did not dress up for work before; I started wearing work clothes when finishing my Honours BA years ago... I find it helpful to have clothes just for work and then, when I am home, to change. I guess in someways it is like acting - different props for different roles.
My work has a paid for by work cookie tin. Chocolate. This is wonderful. Of course now my Dormition fast is about to begin... :)
Read a wonderful line today about someone working in church... that people pray for those who work and those who work work for those who pray... reminded me of the monastery I go to when I am at my parent's home...
so I thank God.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Orange Toblerone Gelato
So the Dormition Fast for me starts this Thursday. Meanwhile I really liked my Gelato O-T cone I had tonight.
It is a lot of work to learn to run a small library. As long as I am not expected to work overtime I think I may be a happy camper, I hope. There is potential, at any rate.
I am really loving the lunch hour that I can be home for (I live and work downtown) and I love that I do not have to leave my house until 8.30 am. this is incredibly wonderful, after having to leave at 7 am or so for the last year.
Am reading Jane Langton's _Emily Dickinson is Dead_. She is an interesting (mystery) writer. I met her when I was 19. Her books always start with a theme of something triggering something that goes and builds throughout the book.
Gave Josephine Tey's _Franchise Affair_ to a friend to read. J. Tey is a great past British mystery writer.
We are having lots and lots of rain here - sunny then humid then raining by late afternoon. Today it even hailed; hail was jumping off my small wooden balcony.
I am aware of the tenuousness of this life; am praying for various people who are seriously ill. Lord have mercy.
It is a lot of work to learn to run a small library. As long as I am not expected to work overtime I think I may be a happy camper, I hope. There is potential, at any rate.
I am really loving the lunch hour that I can be home for (I live and work downtown) and I love that I do not have to leave my house until 8.30 am. this is incredibly wonderful, after having to leave at 7 am or so for the last year.
Am reading Jane Langton's _Emily Dickinson is Dead_. She is an interesting (mystery) writer. I met her when I was 19. Her books always start with a theme of something triggering something that goes and builds throughout the book.
Gave Josephine Tey's _Franchise Affair_ to a friend to read. J. Tey is a great past British mystery writer.
We are having lots and lots of rain here - sunny then humid then raining by late afternoon. Today it even hailed; hail was jumping off my small wooden balcony.
I am aware of the tenuousness of this life; am praying for various people who are seriously ill. Lord have mercy.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
A Beautiful Morning
The weather this morning is perfect! Sunny, cool and green. I went to liturgy for St. Herman's day and then went to the natural foods store downtown and to my other grocery store.
The first week of my job (3 days since Monday was a holiday here in Ontario) was a bit overwhelming. I am feeling better about it now, but still have a lot to learn and figure out. It is wonderful to have a job that I have Friday off! Such a relief. This Friday I cleaned and made it (albeit late) to vespers for the eve of St. Herman's day. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my chrismation, so it was good to be in Church. I did not even realize that I was chrismated on the Eve of St. Herman's day! I am not surprised though, since I started my journey in his church in Langley. And a wonderful beginning it was there - it has been over 4 years since I was there now, but it is hard to get back. As I already live miles and miles from my family, it is hard to get to other places. Hopefully someday, if God wills.
I am gearing up to move - have not given (2 months) notice yet, but am really anxious to move. My place is a two room (not two bedroom) apartment plus bathroom; what may be called a jr. 1 bedroom or a glorified bachelor. One of my closest friends calls it a glorified dorm room! I only have one narrow closet in the whole place, etc. So now that I have a permanent job, I am quite eager to find a nice one bedroom apartment downtown. I am dreaming of sunlight, wood floors, a living room and big closets.
I am on the old calendar at my home church (I go to the OCA Cathedral a lot too) and so we are not in the Dormition fast quite yet. So today I bought chicken to make "Ranch Chicken Bites" - a slightly unhealthy but yummy dish of chicken baked with ranch dressing and crushed sour cream and onion potato chips. YUM.
I am reading a bunch of mystery books for relaxation/de-stress time. For the fast I hope to read some Church Father's homilies on the Dormition.
Having a three day weekend makes a huge difference! I feel like I am able to put away the stress of my new job and immerse myself in the rest of my life - cleaning, cooking, church, friends. I am hopeful about my future and feel happy on this beautiful sunny day.
The first week of my job (3 days since Monday was a holiday here in Ontario) was a bit overwhelming. I am feeling better about it now, but still have a lot to learn and figure out. It is wonderful to have a job that I have Friday off! Such a relief. This Friday I cleaned and made it (albeit late) to vespers for the eve of St. Herman's day. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my chrismation, so it was good to be in Church. I did not even realize that I was chrismated on the Eve of St. Herman's day! I am not surprised though, since I started my journey in his church in Langley. And a wonderful beginning it was there - it has been over 4 years since I was there now, but it is hard to get back. As I already live miles and miles from my family, it is hard to get to other places. Hopefully someday, if God wills.
I am gearing up to move - have not given (2 months) notice yet, but am really anxious to move. My place is a two room (not two bedroom) apartment plus bathroom; what may be called a jr. 1 bedroom or a glorified bachelor. One of my closest friends calls it a glorified dorm room! I only have one narrow closet in the whole place, etc. So now that I have a permanent job, I am quite eager to find a nice one bedroom apartment downtown. I am dreaming of sunlight, wood floors, a living room and big closets.
I am on the old calendar at my home church (I go to the OCA Cathedral a lot too) and so we are not in the Dormition fast quite yet. So today I bought chicken to make "Ranch Chicken Bites" - a slightly unhealthy but yummy dish of chicken baked with ranch dressing and crushed sour cream and onion potato chips. YUM.
I am reading a bunch of mystery books for relaxation/de-stress time. For the fast I hope to read some Church Father's homilies on the Dormition.
Having a three day weekend makes a huge difference! I feel like I am able to put away the stress of my new job and immerse myself in the rest of my life - cleaning, cooking, church, friends. I am hopeful about my future and feel happy on this beautiful sunny day.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Between Fear and Excitment
I start my new job Tuesday.
I am walking.
I really want to move in 4 months (thus giving notice in 2 months).
I am both excited and scared about starting my new job. Currently I am feeling happy and hopeful.
I am walking.
I really want to move in 4 months (thus giving notice in 2 months).
I am both excited and scared about starting my new job. Currently I am feeling happy and hopeful.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Christ is in Our Midst - by Fr. John, a Monk
I could never say enough about this book. It was recommended to me last year by my spiritual father.
Fr. John is a monk who lived in the Valamo monastery and then New Valamo in Finland; he died in 1958. This book is a compilation of letters he wrote to his spiritual children. It is very accessible and has deep wisdom. In many ways, this book has and still is showing me what it means to be a Christian, specifically as an Orthodox Christian.
I wish I could explain what this book has meant to me, but I find words rather absent. Suffice to say that this book opened itself to me, but that will take the rest of my life to go towards what it teaches.
Here is one quotation:
No, we must not trust ourselves before we are lying in our graves, and whether we persevere in virtue depends not on us, but on the grace of God. The Lord preserves the humble; in so far as a man humbles himself, he flourishes in the spiritual life....
-from letter 79
It is published by Saint Vladimir's Seminary Press and is still in print, with a slightly changed cover.
how to say anything at all...
when not much has changed...
I am still waiting to go back to work. I am doing the pre-work things - hair cut, clothes, waiting to get my black shoes. I am slowly reorienting myself back into my profession. I am walking every day...
I pray that I will never forget how it felt to be injured and that I will be able to understand other's pain more.
It could be that my dream of moving apartments will not happen until the Spring; if work is super overwhelming I will not want to add to this stress.
May the Lord continue to have mercy on me as I am in transition.
I am still waiting to go back to work. I am doing the pre-work things - hair cut, clothes, waiting to get my black shoes. I am slowly reorienting myself back into my profession. I am walking every day...
I pray that I will never forget how it felt to be injured and that I will be able to understand other's pain more.
It could be that my dream of moving apartments will not happen until the Spring; if work is super overwhelming I will not want to add to this stress.
May the Lord continue to have mercy on me as I am in transition.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tea and Strawberries
Today I had tea with a friend! Twinnings Earl Grey, with a bowl of French Vanilla ice cream and delicous fresh strawberries.
I used my best tea pot (from Bavaria) and sugar and creamer; these, with the silver mirrored tray, were found when I was home for Christmas. My Grandmother and I went antique mall shopping over the holidays.
Speaking of my Grandmother, she is going to have some tests done for her health. I hope and pray that all will be okay. She is a very important part of my family!
Good news, other than the delightful tea, is that the doctor said I can start walking on my broken foot! It is SO WONDERFUL to walk after being on crutches and bed rest for 5 weeks.
My foot still has to be elevated and for now I am still off work. But I am slowly getting better, for which all thanks and praise goes to God.
I hope to have enough time to recover well before beginning my new job.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
here again
Summary:
about the foot:
1. foot still broken
2. wound not infected - got better
3. appointment with specialist for foot exam this Wednesday
about my new job:
1. work did not realize how injured I was and sent me home early from training
2. they say I am to be on the payroll and that I cannot work until I am better
3. doing paper work tomorrow...
about daily life:
1. crutches - I am walking better on them
2. lots of $ spent on taxi rides
3. it is hard to make food to eat when I have one hand free (other one holding on to something so I do not fall as I am on one foot).
conclusion:
1. need God's mercy
2. need prayer
3. need food. (friend is making me food tomorrow)
on other notes...
1. liturgy tomorrow! St. John the Baptist (And His Mom, St. Elizabeth!) (old calendar)
2. Cleo the Cat really misses the normal routine and having me walk around... I can't do as much for her or play with her. a SERIOUS problem in her view.
3. I heard Fr. Thomas Hopko and Frederica M-G speak this past week. This was great.
about the foot:
1. foot still broken
2. wound not infected - got better
3. appointment with specialist for foot exam this Wednesday
about my new job:
1. work did not realize how injured I was and sent me home early from training
2. they say I am to be on the payroll and that I cannot work until I am better
3. doing paper work tomorrow...
about daily life:
1. crutches - I am walking better on them
2. lots of $ spent on taxi rides
3. it is hard to make food to eat when I have one hand free (other one holding on to something so I do not fall as I am on one foot).
conclusion:
1. need God's mercy
2. need prayer
3. need food. (friend is making me food tomorrow)
on other notes...
1. liturgy tomorrow! St. John the Baptist (And His Mom, St. Elizabeth!) (old calendar)
2. Cleo the Cat really misses the normal routine and having me walk around... I can't do as much for her or play with her. a SERIOUS problem in her view.
3. I heard Fr. Thomas Hopko and Frederica M-G speak this past week. This was great.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
the drama in life
here's the current summary:
a) broken foot - wound infected. Seeing nurse daily, antibiotics
b) starting new job training in another city - will be trained with foot elevated -
c) the buzzer to my apartment building broke last night. no elevator in building, broken foot, no way to let people in. keys cut and arrangements being made
I know that God is in all things and can use all this for my salvation. Also there are many who are in much worse situations than mine. I pray that I can learn to say "Glory to God in all things" and to stay peaceful and trust God.
a) broken foot - wound infected. Seeing nurse daily, antibiotics
b) starting new job training in another city - will be trained with foot elevated -
c) the buzzer to my apartment building broke last night. no elevator in building, broken foot, no way to let people in. keys cut and arrangements being made
I know that God is in all things and can use all this for my salvation. Also there are many who are in much worse situations than mine. I pray that I can learn to say "Glory to God in all things" and to stay peaceful and trust God.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The 10 year idea
Both RW and Victoria (see blog roll) wrote about what they thought they would be doing in 10 years.
I agree with Victoria that it is hard to do.
As I am a professional librarian, Orthodox, single and currently unpursued, here is what I would hope for in 10 years time:
weekday/daytime hours:
1. To be enjoying my profession, having a job I want to come to in the daytime hours and the satisfaction and salary that goes along with.
2. To be at peace inwardly because of Christ (okay this is a lifetime hope, however, it needs mentioning)
3. To have gained continued poise and professionalism in dress, outward manner and in service
Days off/vacation/nights/weekends
1. I hope to be living in an apartment/or something else that I love.
2. Church - growing in this (too many ways/details/possibilities to name)
3. I hope I will continue to have some close friends who know me well and who I will continue to spend time with/build a life that includes them
4. I will always be a writer. Working on this and incorporating the various parts of my life that nourish creativity.
5. I hope my Cat Cleo will still be alive and healthy. This is the sad part of time passing. In 10 years Cleo may be 15 or so.
Life is unknown and really quite unplannable. I am still adjusting to being out of school and to settling in a city. I have just landed my first professional permanent job. Those in their early 30s are seen, by some, to be the new 20's. I am one of those - lots of education - before the workforce. I know people with PhDs who talk about part of the maturation process not happening for years because of being in school.
I hope in 10 years I will still be seeking God's mercy.
I agree with Victoria that it is hard to do.
As I am a professional librarian, Orthodox, single and currently unpursued, here is what I would hope for in 10 years time:
weekday/daytime hours:
1. To be enjoying my profession, having a job I want to come to in the daytime hours and the satisfaction and salary that goes along with.
2. To be at peace inwardly because of Christ (okay this is a lifetime hope, however, it needs mentioning)
3. To have gained continued poise and professionalism in dress, outward manner and in service
Days off/vacation/nights/weekends
1. I hope to be living in an apartment/or something else that I love.
2. Church - growing in this (too many ways/details/possibilities to name)
3. I hope I will continue to have some close friends who know me well and who I will continue to spend time with/build a life that includes them
4. I will always be a writer. Working on this and incorporating the various parts of my life that nourish creativity.
5. I hope my Cat Cleo will still be alive and healthy. This is the sad part of time passing. In 10 years Cleo may be 15 or so.
Life is unknown and really quite unplannable. I am still adjusting to being out of school and to settling in a city. I have just landed my first professional permanent job. Those in their early 30s are seen, by some, to be the new 20's. I am one of those - lots of education - before the workforce. I know people with PhDs who talk about part of the maturation process not happening for years because of being in school.
I hope in 10 years I will still be seeking God's mercy.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Still Can't Believe It
You know, as time goes on, I am beginning to see.
If I had been just a little bit farther out, I would of been hit full-body by the car. My foot from just above the heel up to the big toe on the other side of my foot was run over. This may of saved my life.
My spiritual father said Angels were pushing cars away - I fell in the middle of a busy intersection.
I could of died and instead I am alive.
I am in awe and yet can scarcely take it in.
I was at church with a broken foot, instead of being in hospital, or dying or, God so grant His mercy, in heaven.
I am happy to be alive and I pray that God will help me do His will and struggle to be obedient to Him - how hard this is, but how much I need it.
Lord have mercy on me a sinner.
If I had been just a little bit farther out, I would of been hit full-body by the car. My foot from just above the heel up to the big toe on the other side of my foot was run over. This may of saved my life.
My spiritual father said Angels were pushing cars away - I fell in the middle of a busy intersection.
I could of died and instead I am alive.
I am in awe and yet can scarcely take it in.
I was at church with a broken foot, instead of being in hospital, or dying or, God so grant His mercy, in heaven.
I am happy to be alive and I pray that God will help me do His will and struggle to be obedient to Him - how hard this is, but how much I need it.
Lord have mercy on me a sinner.
Happy
Donald Hall, in one of his poems, writes of being surprised by happiness.
I am happy today. Yesterday I got to talk with my spiritual father - he teased me about my foot - and listened to me.
The other librarians who will train me were really understanding that I could not come yet for training because of my injured foot.
One of my good friends is coming and cooking me dinner! My foot still hurts, but I think it is slowly getting better. I still need to ice it mid-day. I am hoping to wean it from the need for ice by the end of the week.
I have officially special ordered some black Birkenstock shoes - called London - I have an old dark leather brown pair that I have had nearly half of my lifetime! See http://www.birkenstock.ca/catalog/popup_image.php?pID=388&osCsid=d9ce62eec5d4fb3d5600ed4e01b67d88 ... (I tried to hyperlink, but do not have the patience).
I love these shoes and look forward to getting ones in black. I have black clogs (I think they are called Boston) and have sandals (one of which is I hope only temporarily destroyed by the car that ran over it and my foot). I only wear Birkenstocks and refuse all types of high heeled shoes. I discovered them after meeting a girl at a camp who wore them. My Mother suggested them, I tried them and never went back.
Various people from the ER were telling me to get running shoes. For a little bit I considered complying. Then I thought. WHY would I, a non-athletic city walker want to buy runners/sneakers/tennis shoes (depending on what region of N. America the shoes are called various things). Frankly, when I realized I needed to take up regular walking for my health, I considered buying these. I even went to the Running Room, which I recommend to anyone for the quality and service, and even these fine folks could not give me a shoe I would want to be seen wearing or would want to wear. I love walking around with Birkenstock shoes or sandals. I have gorgeous white funky flip-flop ones (which I was wearing on that Friday), normal granola sandals, and the above mentioned shoes.
I have hope for my future. It seems that my next work situation is going to be a good one. I am slowly reading up on the exact area of corporate librarianship, and am dreaming of a more stable life. A permanent job I can grow in, and I hope in October, my first 1 real one bedroom apartment (I live in 2 rooms plus bathroom, 1 small closet). I know what furniture I want to buy form IKEA. I am hoping to have more space and have a less cluttered but book and icon-filled apartment. Something I can really work with and have people over. A living room that is utterly child-friendly so my friends with little tots can come over. IKEA sells both a china cabinet and a buffet that have locks and match my bookshelves.
I have many dreams...
I am happy today. Yesterday I got to talk with my spiritual father - he teased me about my foot - and listened to me.
The other librarians who will train me were really understanding that I could not come yet for training because of my injured foot.
One of my good friends is coming and cooking me dinner! My foot still hurts, but I think it is slowly getting better. I still need to ice it mid-day. I am hoping to wean it from the need for ice by the end of the week.
I have officially special ordered some black Birkenstock shoes - called London - I have an old dark leather brown pair that I have had nearly half of my lifetime! See http://www.birkenstock.ca/catalog/popup_image.php?pID=388&osCsid=d9ce62eec5d4fb3d5600ed4e01b67d88 ... (I tried to hyperlink, but do not have the patience).
I love these shoes and look forward to getting ones in black. I have black clogs (I think they are called Boston) and have sandals (one of which is I hope only temporarily destroyed by the car that ran over it and my foot). I only wear Birkenstocks and refuse all types of high heeled shoes. I discovered them after meeting a girl at a camp who wore them. My Mother suggested them, I tried them and never went back.
Various people from the ER were telling me to get running shoes. For a little bit I considered complying. Then I thought. WHY would I, a non-athletic city walker want to buy runners/sneakers/tennis shoes (depending on what region of N. America the shoes are called various things). Frankly, when I realized I needed to take up regular walking for my health, I considered buying these. I even went to the Running Room, which I recommend to anyone for the quality and service, and even these fine folks could not give me a shoe I would want to be seen wearing or would want to wear. I love walking around with Birkenstock shoes or sandals. I have gorgeous white funky flip-flop ones (which I was wearing on that Friday), normal granola sandals, and the above mentioned shoes.
I have hope for my future. It seems that my next work situation is going to be a good one. I am slowly reading up on the exact area of corporate librarianship, and am dreaming of a more stable life. A permanent job I can grow in, and I hope in October, my first 1 real one bedroom apartment (I live in 2 rooms plus bathroom, 1 small closet). I know what furniture I want to buy form IKEA. I am hoping to have more space and have a less cluttered but book and icon-filled apartment. Something I can really work with and have people over. A living room that is utterly child-friendly so my friends with little tots can come over. IKEA sells both a china cabinet and a buffet that have locks and match my bookshelves.
I have many dreams...
Friday, June 13, 2008
I never realized how wonderful fresh air and sunshine is
Yesterday was a perfect slightly warm sunny blue skied day. It was the first day outside of my apartment in over 5 days.
I managed to go down 4 flights of stairs (no elevator in my building) to get to my doctor. Turns out, after she read the Emerg. report with X-rays that I have TWO fractures in my foot. I went back to the E.R. for reassessment and was given an air cast and a prescription for a pain killer. It helped a little last night. She also told me to stay home another week before going to training.
One of my good friends brought me dinner, Slavic style:
I've been told it will be 4-6 weeks before I am totally better. This is good news, but it is hard too. I will have to walk to work on crutches (4-5 city blocks one way) (I know, it could be worse)...
I am needing to learn to live only in the present and not worry about the next day or week - I know that this is a spiritually valuable lesson - but no easy.
For now, I am dependant on people for most things - i.e. food, washing my dishes, laundry (5 floors down w.o elevator does not work with crutches) and visiting me. This is also not easy.
But I felt so hopeful when I was outside, with a friend. It did not matter that it was only to see the doctor and go back to hospital. I had to wait until around 3.30 pm to eat lunch (in case I needed surgery to re-adjust a bone in my foot, Thank God I did not need this) and the Tim Horton's chicken sandwich, OJ and Boston Cream Donut never tasted so good! Even though I was in the ER waiting room with ice, sitting in a wheelchair.
Tim Hortons is one of the good things about being Canadian.
I am seeking to stay grateful and thankful.
I managed to go down 4 flights of stairs (no elevator in my building) to get to my doctor. Turns out, after she read the Emerg. report with X-rays that I have TWO fractures in my foot. I went back to the E.R. for reassessment and was given an air cast and a prescription for a pain killer. It helped a little last night. She also told me to stay home another week before going to training.
One of my good friends brought me dinner, Slavic style:
I've been told it will be 4-6 weeks before I am totally better. This is good news, but it is hard too. I will have to walk to work on crutches (4-5 city blocks one way) (I know, it could be worse)...I am needing to learn to live only in the present and not worry about the next day or week - I know that this is a spiritually valuable lesson - but no easy.
For now, I am dependant on people for most things - i.e. food, washing my dishes, laundry (5 floors down w.o elevator does not work with crutches) and visiting me. This is also not easy.
But I felt so hopeful when I was outside, with a friend. It did not matter that it was only to see the doctor and go back to hospital. I had to wait until around 3.30 pm to eat lunch (in case I needed surgery to re-adjust a bone in my foot, Thank God I did not need this) and the Tim Horton's chicken sandwich, OJ and Boston Cream Donut never tasted so good! Even though I was in the ER waiting room with ice, sitting in a wheelchair.
Tim Hortons is one of the good things about being Canadian.
I am seeking to stay grateful and thankful.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
My foot MUST get better... (plus Cleo pictures)
Above is my foot being elevated and iced. VERY THRILLING I know. It has been my view since Saturday morning.I am really hoping that I am on the mend. I just hobbled about and my foot did not hurt as much when I was upright. I am hoping this is a real improvement, i.e. not because it is numbed by ice. I am getting really bored and am increasingly enthusiastic and anxious to get back on my feet, or to walk well on crutches. Besides, I want to buy that Black Bag that I did not buy the morning of the accident.
Since my main activity this week has been sitting in bed, I took lots of pictures of Cleo, the Cutest Cat in Canada. Here are two of my favourites:
Cleo the Introspective Cat
Cleo the Curious Cat
Clearly she is the the Cutest Cat in Canada. :)
My sister has a friend who has been on bed rest for a long time now, as her pregnancy is high risk. I did not realize what a blessing my sister is to this friend and what it means to only be able to get up to use the bathroom. Even I can get up and get ice in my kitchen. (Mind you my apartment is a total to 2 rooms plus bathroom, i.e. small and easily navigable).
I did not know what it is like to be dependant on visitors, to not be able to just walk out the door and get my mail, go for a walk. I really hope that these 5 days (thus far) will make me grateful for every step I am able to take...
The last two nights have been hard - my foot seems to hurt the most then. Perhaps because it was being iced as much as it is during the day.
Here's to hoping that by tomorrow I can call my employer (who I called on Tuesday) and say I am coming, even if it is on crutches. I just want to resume my life!
Monday, June 09, 2008
The Accident and the Icon that was with me
This is the small plastic icon of St. George that I had with me when I had the accident. I had called a friend as soon as I was carried to the sidewalk; 9 minutes later I was in the ambulance, on a stretcher. One hand was holding the leg of my injured foot, the other was holding this icon. In shock, I kept looking at St. George, confused and needing help.
It is really odd recovering from this. The first day and a half afterwards, I could only read a page or so at a time; I could not focus properly. Standing up hurt (not standing on foot, just being upright). My big toe is fractured and is just beginning to hurt now, three days later. I have been keeping my foot in ice most of the time, to keep my foot numb. Ice is the only thing that will cut the pain. The pain itself was not what I expected - it felt hot and throbbed.
I have been aware of, mostly, only myself and my injured foot. I have needed discipline to think of others who are also sick.
Another surprising thing is how sudden everything changed. I cannot stand to pray, wash dishes, or brush my hair. It hurts to walk (i.e. hobble with one crutch) ten steps to my kitchen. Everything takes more effort, my body shakes still.
In other words, from the writing perspective, it has fascinated me. The fear of falling on crutches, not being able to pick up my cat, struggling to sit up...
I cannot walk to church - could not even go to church. I cannot get my mail. The flowers I promised I would water while my friend was away, I had to ask a trustworthy friend to water. The clothes shopping, going to evening church services, everything has stopped.
But yet I already see that this is good for me. To be forced to be in one place. To be emotionally in control and aware. My thankfulness is abundant. Even thinking about what it would of meant if BOTH of my feet were run over! At least I have one good foot I can stand on.
I do not yet know how this will all work out. I am supposed to be trained in another city next week. I do not even know if I will be strong enough.
Many people are praying for me. I have talked to friends I have not talked to in nearly a year. I have had to accept small indignities. I talked with my Godmother - she reminded me that we are body and soul and that this trauma would also effect my spirit.
I am praying that this unforeseen affliction will be to my benefit, as Psalms speak of.
Thank God.
Please pray for me.
My Cat Cleo
Well, about 4 hours before I got my foot run over, I bought a digital camera. Here is a picture I took of Cleo while lying in bed, with foot elevated and being iced. She is Cute. You must admit.
It has been really hot here - I have woken up not only feeling very sore and stiff from the accident, but incredibly parched. Every glass of water that my friends have given me has reminded me of Christ's words... giving a glass of water in His name.
A dear and valued friend of mine installed my A/C today while I sat gingerly on a chair, foot iced on a pillow on chair. I ordered us pizza for lunch and now my kitchen is cooling off.
This morning the family that adopted me here called and brought me breakfast - hot buckwheat, tomatoes and cold chicken - a very Slavic morning meal - all that was missing was a glass of red wine or vodka!
I am so blessed.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Prayer Request
forgive the cross-blog posting...
The summary of the story:I was a block from my apartment, saw a bus across the street, the traffic in front of me was stopped, I impulsively tried to cross the road and ran into a car. This car ran over my right foot, near the toe area and I immediately feel down in the middle of the intersection. I thank God that my foot only sustained what the doctor in training said is a crush injury, i.e. major bruising. I could have been severely injured or worse and I thank God, His Angles and protecting Saints, esp. St. George whose small icon I had in my purse.
This happened yesterday afternoon. I am home with foot elevated and iced. Matthew, Cheryl's husband, met in the emergency and I had 3 X-Rays of my foot. I thankfully have a week off because my new job starts training in a weeks time. Please pray that my foot heals well so I can walk again soon and not be hindered in my training.
Meanwhile I am on crutches.I am so Thankful that I was not hurt more and I will NEVER do something so impulsively foolish again...
The summary of the story:I was a block from my apartment, saw a bus across the street, the traffic in front of me was stopped, I impulsively tried to cross the road and ran into a car. This car ran over my right foot, near the toe area and I immediately feel down in the middle of the intersection. I thank God that my foot only sustained what the doctor in training said is a crush injury, i.e. major bruising. I could have been severely injured or worse and I thank God, His Angles and protecting Saints, esp. St. George whose small icon I had in my purse.
This happened yesterday afternoon. I am home with foot elevated and iced. Matthew, Cheryl's husband, met in the emergency and I had 3 X-Rays of my foot. I thankfully have a week off because my new job starts training in a weeks time. Please pray that my foot heals well so I can walk again soon and not be hindered in my training.
Meanwhile I am on crutches.I am so Thankful that I was not hurt more and I will NEVER do something so impulsively foolish again...
Friday, June 06, 2008
Sometimes I wonder...
...If others feel that they have to rebuild their lives at least once a week.
In so many ways it seems I can never keep up with myself or my life - from dishes, cleaning house, doing errands to inward focus on Christ and prayer.
Today I have a very full day and I pray that God will uphold me in it.
One week left and I train for my new job in Toronto for 4 days. I am staying in a fancy hotel, have an ample daily food stipend but, as I was telling my Mom about this, I felt she got it in one: I can stay in an amazing hotel, have super classy food, but I will be alone. With God of course, and I pray my Guardian Angel and the Saints. But without human company.
I find this to be difficult.
I am going to try to make the best of it though. I am hoping to get a digital camera that is small and a new purse/black bag. I have already begun the summer office-clothes shopping, as I will be in a corporate setting. I found a nice linen white skirt, just long enough to cover the knees and a nice white top to wear under summer jackets. The plan is to complete my shopping next week Monday.
My friend Rob also posed this question, but I need to know too - any advice on a nice small digital camera with good battery life and memory card? It is time for me to invest in one.
Oh, and any one have advice on nice things to see in Toronto around the Union Station area? I have some ideas, but would love to hear other's thoughts!
In so many ways it seems I can never keep up with myself or my life - from dishes, cleaning house, doing errands to inward focus on Christ and prayer.
Today I have a very full day and I pray that God will uphold me in it.
One week left and I train for my new job in Toronto for 4 days. I am staying in a fancy hotel, have an ample daily food stipend but, as I was telling my Mom about this, I felt she got it in one: I can stay in an amazing hotel, have super classy food, but I will be alone. With God of course, and I pray my Guardian Angel and the Saints. But without human company.
I find this to be difficult.
I am going to try to make the best of it though. I am hoping to get a digital camera that is small and a new purse/black bag. I have already begun the summer office-clothes shopping, as I will be in a corporate setting. I found a nice linen white skirt, just long enough to cover the knees and a nice white top to wear under summer jackets. The plan is to complete my shopping next week Monday.
My friend Rob also posed this question, but I need to know too - any advice on a nice small digital camera with good battery life and memory card? It is time for me to invest in one.
Oh, and any one have advice on nice things to see in Toronto around the Union Station area? I have some ideas, but would love to hear other's thoughts!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Quietness and God's provision
Today was my first day off. I slept in. Had tea. Talked on the phone. Ran errands, and had tea with a former classmate from Library School... who I ran into at the Library. I am enjoying a quiet apartment.
So, I have a job. I will be running a small library in a corporate setting. All by myself, with help from other associate libraries, esp. one of them. I am starting reading on this tomorrow. I have never done this type of work before and have MUCH to learn. I am thankful.
The good things about my DV new job:
*it is 4 days a week
*I have benefits
*it is a permanent job
*I can learn a lot professionally
*I can walk to work - no more buses!
The challenging things:
*less money (4 not 5 days a week of work/pay) but still enough (student loans will take longer to pay off but that is okay)
*new responsibility and lots of learning
*faster paced environment
I felt a bit overwhelmed this weekend, but had a lot of good conversations with people and am trying to stay peaceful and not worry.
I tend to worry about the unknown.
THANK YOU everyone who prayed for me. I did the salary negotiations on my last day of work at my former job. Incredible timing.
I now have 2 weeks off before starting my new job. I get to go shopping, study up for my new job, read books, cook and do errands.
God has been so good to me.
So, I have a job. I will be running a small library in a corporate setting. All by myself, with help from other associate libraries, esp. one of them. I am starting reading on this tomorrow. I have never done this type of work before and have MUCH to learn. I am thankful.
The good things about my DV new job:
*it is 4 days a week
*I have benefits
*it is a permanent job
*I can learn a lot professionally
*I can walk to work - no more buses!
The challenging things:
*less money (4 not 5 days a week of work/pay) but still enough (student loans will take longer to pay off but that is okay)
*new responsibility and lots of learning
*faster paced environment
I felt a bit overwhelmed this weekend, but had a lot of good conversations with people and am trying to stay peaceful and not worry.
I tend to worry about the unknown.
THANK YOU everyone who prayed for me. I did the salary negotiations on my last day of work at my former job. Incredible timing.
I now have 2 weeks off before starting my new job. I get to go shopping, study up for my new job, read books, cook and do errands.
God has been so good to me.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Another Day in this Year of Our Lord
Today was my last Monday at my current job. Tonight I am baking a cake for my small group at work to eat. Vanilla. I wish I had strawberries. If I have time, I may go get some.
I bought Indian takeout. Enough for three meals. Under five dollars for three meals. nice. It is a buffet and one is allowed two scoops of everything. I made lemonade, and have hot lemongrass tea with sugar.
It is hard for me to wait to see what job will come. But I am trying to really live during this time. Trust that God is taking care of me and to fight the fears that want to assail and conquer me. I am seeking to FIGHT them.
I am doing those things that are needed for my transition. Baking cake, buying small thank you cards and chocolate to give away, going to church, listening to music, praying, remembering God and calling my soul to see that even now, God is saving me.
Even now, God is saving me.
I bought Indian takeout. Enough for three meals. Under five dollars for three meals. nice. It is a buffet and one is allowed two scoops of everything. I made lemonade, and have hot lemongrass tea with sugar.
It is hard for me to wait to see what job will come. But I am trying to really live during this time. Trust that God is taking care of me and to fight the fears that want to assail and conquer me. I am seeking to FIGHT them.
I am doing those things that are needed for my transition. Baking cake, buying small thank you cards and chocolate to give away, going to church, listening to music, praying, remembering God and calling my soul to see that even now, God is saving me.
Even now, God is saving me.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Feast of Mid-Pentecost
Happy Feast!
Job interview synopsis: 10 questions 2 or 3 parts each total time 50 minutes. intense gauntlet like.
God is so good though.
Went to vespers and had tea at a friends.
I am so thankful! To those who are praying for me: THANK YOU.
Job interview synopsis: 10 questions 2 or 3 parts each total time 50 minutes. intense gauntlet like.
God is so good though.
Went to vespers and had tea at a friends.
I am so thankful! To those who are praying for me: THANK YOU.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Jitters but God is good
My shirt is ironed. I only have a small table top iron board so this took a while. My cute light pink shirt. To be worn with black pants and jacket.
I prepared answers to various questions and read the rest of the libraries strategic plan.
Tomorrow I need to review my notes, some papers and pray.
Now it is time for sleep.
I prepared answers to various questions and read the rest of the libraries strategic plan.
Tomorrow I need to review my notes, some papers and pray.
Now it is time for sleep.
interview tomorrow; feeling nervous
Tomorrow is the day. Liturgy in the morning for Mid-Pentecost. Lunch with friends. Going home, changing and going to the interview. (3 pm)
I feel rushed already.
My shirt is not ironed.
Lord have mercy. I feel like there is so much more I can do to prepare, but do not have the time, and really I need to review, not learn more but review what I learned. and iron my shirt.
it is the ironing that really is unfortunate.
Please pray for me! This is the job I want above the others...
I feel rushed already.
My shirt is not ironed.
Lord have mercy. I feel like there is so much more I can do to prepare, but do not have the time, and really I need to review, not learn more but review what I learned. and iron my shirt.
it is the ironing that really is unfortunate.
Please pray for me! This is the job I want above the others...
Friday, May 16, 2008
Long weekend!
It is Victoria Day on Monday.
I did in person research for the interview I have on Wednesday at three pm. Various people are praying for me and I feel really encouraged about this. like REALLY ENCOURAGED.
Thank God!!!
I am hoping to go for tea tomorrow with a friend to celebrate the Holiday Weekend.
I was at liturgy this AM and did the research in the afternoon.
I am reading murder on the links by A Christie and hung out with my Cat Cleo.
Hope everyone reading this is doing well...
I did in person research for the interview I have on Wednesday at three pm. Various people are praying for me and I feel really encouraged about this. like REALLY ENCOURAGED.
Thank God!!!
I am hoping to go for tea tomorrow with a friend to celebrate the Holiday Weekend.
I was at liturgy this AM and did the research in the afternoon.
I am reading murder on the links by A Christie and hung out with my Cat Cleo.
Hope everyone reading this is doing well...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
today's summary
*interview in AM went fairly well. over 2 HOURS though. exhausting!
*got a call for the job i think i really want!!! interview next week Wednesday at 3 pm!
*going to vespers tonight and a teaching afterwards
i am tired!
tomorrow i hope to eat a bowl of ice cream. :)
Glory to God for all the interviews! I have gotten responses from all 4 of the jobs I have applied for. This is really encouraging and I know it is because of God's mercy and many people's prayers!
*got a call for the job i think i really want!!! interview next week Wednesday at 3 pm!
*going to vespers tonight and a teaching afterwards
i am tired!
tomorrow i hope to eat a bowl of ice cream. :)
Glory to God for all the interviews! I have gotten responses from all 4 of the jobs I have applied for. This is really encouraging and I know it is because of God's mercy and many people's prayers!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
another day
A beautiful sunny day, cloudless blue skies... at work i saw sloping lawns and yellow dandelions. beautiful. I am slowly transitioning out of my current job, more every day. I am closing electronic and paper files. I will be calling England nearly every day. There is a certain publisher there, who will remain nameless, who just will not get back to me.
Tomorrow 9 AM EST an interview for a one year term. I have been reading their website tonight. I am a nerd and actually LIKE reading it.
My house is tidy now. I am in the kitchen , but most of my icon candles are lit, waiting for me to retire into the other room.
I figured out that right-clicking on a document ... I can print it without opening it! Handy, as my laptop seems a bit slow these days.
Okay. Back to work...
Tomorrow 9 AM EST an interview for a one year term. I have been reading their website tonight. I am a nerd and actually LIKE reading it.
My house is tidy now. I am in the kitchen , but most of my icon candles are lit, waiting for me to retire into the other room.
I figured out that right-clicking on a document ... I can print it without opening it! Handy, as my laptop seems a bit slow these days.
Okay. Back to work...
Monday, May 12, 2008
today was good
Work went okay today.
I need to search Google for MEDLINE/Pubmed searching (my interview on Wens is medical related, I am a librarian and use databases).
I had ICE CREAM today.
This weekend the bedroom side of my two room apartment got vacuumed! And laundry was done. And my closet was tackled and I won. I have been waiting a long while to have the time to do just that.
I have begun reading the man in the brown suit. Agatha Christie. I have read it before.
The kitchen side of my apartment is still messy, but I have hope about it.
Okay. Time to make dinner, before all that sugar I ate lets me down...
I need to search Google for MEDLINE/Pubmed searching (my interview on Wens is medical related, I am a librarian and use databases).
I had ICE CREAM today.
This weekend the bedroom side of my two room apartment got vacuumed! And laundry was done. And my closet was tackled and I won. I have been waiting a long while to have the time to do just that.
I have begun reading the man in the brown suit. Agatha Christie. I have read it before.
The kitchen side of my apartment is still messy, but I have hope about it.
Okay. Time to make dinner, before all that sugar I ate lets me down...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Sound advice - Found via two blogs
http://whenwefast.blogspot.com/2008/04/55-maxims-for-christian-living.html
http://sttheophanacademy.blogspot.com/2008/04/good-advice.html
So today I have done various blog searching and additions to my bloglines feed. I found this list that was complied by Erin's husband (see first link) and then I found it on the second link.
It is incredible. As in I should print this out and put it somewhere on my Prayer Wall.
This was from Ancient Faith Radio talk by Fr. Thomas Hopko.
55 Maxims for Christian Living
by Fr. Thomas Hopko
Here it is:
1. Be always with Christ.
2. Pray as you can, not as you want.
3. Have a keepable rule of prayer that you do by discipline.
4. Say the Lord’s Prayer several times a day.
5. Have a short prayer that you constantly repeat when your mind is not occupied with other things.
6. Make some prostrations when you pray.
7. Eat good foods in moderation.
8. Keep the Church’s fasting rules.
9. Spend some time in silence every day.
10. Do acts of mercy in secret.
11. Go to liturgical services regularly
12. Go to confession and communion regularly.
13. Do not engage intrusive thoughts and feelings. Cut them off at the start.
14. Reveal all your thoughts and feelings regularly to a trusted person.
15. Read the scriptures regularly.
16. Read good books a little at a time.
17. Cultivate communion with the saints.
18. Be an ordinary person.
19. Be polite with everyone.
20. Maintain cleanliness and order in your home.
21. Have a healthy, wholesome hobby.
22. Exercise regularly.
23. Live a day, and a part of a day, at a time.
24. Be totally honest, first of all, with yourself.
25. Be faithful in little things.
26. Do your work, and then forget it.
27. Do the most difficult and painful things first.
28. Face reality.
29. Be grateful in all things.
30. Be cheerful.
31. Be simple, hidden, quiet and small.
32. Never bring attention to yourself.
33. Listen when people talk to you.
34. Be awake and be attentive.
35. Think and talk about things no more than necessary.
36. When we speak, speak simply, clearly, firmly and directly.
37. Flee imagination, analysis, figuring things out.
38. Flee carnal, sexual things at their first appearance.
39. Don’t complain, mumble, murmur or whine.
40. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.
41. Don’t seek or expect praise or pity from anyone.
42. We don’t judge anyone for anything.
43. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.
44. Don’t defend or justify yourself.
45. Be defined and bound by God alone.
46. Accept criticism gratefully but test it critically.
47. Give advice to others only when asked or obligated to do so.
48. Do nothing for anyone that they can and should do for themselves.
49. Have a daily schedule of activities, avoiding whim and caprice.
50. Be merciful with yourself and with others.
51. Have no expectations except to be fiercely tempted to your last breath.
52. Focus exclusively on God and light, not on sin and darkness.
53. Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God’s mercy is greater than your wretchedness.
54. When we fall, get up immediately and start over.
55. Get help when you need it, without fear and without shame.
http://sttheophanacademy.blogspot.com/2008/04/good-advice.html
So today I have done various blog searching and additions to my bloglines feed. I found this list that was complied by Erin's husband (see first link) and then I found it on the second link.
It is incredible. As in I should print this out and put it somewhere on my Prayer Wall.
This was from Ancient Faith Radio talk by Fr. Thomas Hopko.
55 Maxims for Christian Living
by Fr. Thomas Hopko
Here it is:
1. Be always with Christ.
2. Pray as you can, not as you want.
3. Have a keepable rule of prayer that you do by discipline.
4. Say the Lord’s Prayer several times a day.
5. Have a short prayer that you constantly repeat when your mind is not occupied with other things.
6. Make some prostrations when you pray.
7. Eat good foods in moderation.
8. Keep the Church’s fasting rules.
9. Spend some time in silence every day.
10. Do acts of mercy in secret.
11. Go to liturgical services regularly
12. Go to confession and communion regularly.
13. Do not engage intrusive thoughts and feelings. Cut them off at the start.
14. Reveal all your thoughts and feelings regularly to a trusted person.
15. Read the scriptures regularly.
16. Read good books a little at a time.
17. Cultivate communion with the saints.
18. Be an ordinary person.
19. Be polite with everyone.
20. Maintain cleanliness and order in your home.
21. Have a healthy, wholesome hobby.
22. Exercise regularly.
23. Live a day, and a part of a day, at a time.
24. Be totally honest, first of all, with yourself.
25. Be faithful in little things.
26. Do your work, and then forget it.
27. Do the most difficult and painful things first.
28. Face reality.
29. Be grateful in all things.
30. Be cheerful.
31. Be simple, hidden, quiet and small.
32. Never bring attention to yourself.
33. Listen when people talk to you.
34. Be awake and be attentive.
35. Think and talk about things no more than necessary.
36. When we speak, speak simply, clearly, firmly and directly.
37. Flee imagination, analysis, figuring things out.
38. Flee carnal, sexual things at their first appearance.
39. Don’t complain, mumble, murmur or whine.
40. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.
41. Don’t seek or expect praise or pity from anyone.
42. We don’t judge anyone for anything.
43. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.
44. Don’t defend or justify yourself.
45. Be defined and bound by God alone.
46. Accept criticism gratefully but test it critically.
47. Give advice to others only when asked or obligated to do so.
48. Do nothing for anyone that they can and should do for themselves.
49. Have a daily schedule of activities, avoiding whim and caprice.
50. Be merciful with yourself and with others.
51. Have no expectations except to be fiercely tempted to your last breath.
52. Focus exclusively on God and light, not on sin and darkness.
53. Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God’s mercy is greater than your wretchedness.
54. When we fall, get up immediately and start over.
55. Get help when you need it, without fear and without shame.
Tribute
I wanted to note that I have a most lovely Mom who is indeed the Best Mom for Me. She has been there where I was a child and now that I am adult. When I am happy and when I am in tears; we have learned a lot, both Mom and I. I can honestly say she is one of my closest friends and while still being my Mom, she is also a friend. Mom-friend :)
Also, I have a friend who I talk to every week, usually and I just wanted to say that she and I also have walked through many things together via many phone calls.
I am blessed to have her in my life!
I could go on, but I should de-clutter my home, or something.
Also, I have a friend who I talk to every week, usually and I just wanted to say that she and I also have walked through many things together via many phone calls.
I am blessed to have her in my life!
I could go on, but I should de-clutter my home, or something.
Friday, May 09, 2008
So...
The saga of my life continues. Surprise surprise. :)
I have an interview for a 1 year term position. The second round interview was postponed, date still unknown. Am still waiting to hear about other things.
Ah life transitions. how I dislike you, life transitions.
oh well!
I remember reading in an Anglican prayer book over ten years ago how God is the unchanging one, the still centre... (I am paraphrasing btw). So I seek to remember this.
I am reading a mystery book; lovely after fasting from them for Lent. Sweet Revenge by Diane Mott Davidson. I like, though I must say she is pushing things a bit in places; the phrases. I was an English major and am still aware of what I read. None the less, I am enjoying it thus far.
I have an interview for a 1 year term position. The second round interview was postponed, date still unknown. Am still waiting to hear about other things.
Ah life transitions. how I dislike you, life transitions.
oh well!
I remember reading in an Anglican prayer book over ten years ago how God is the unchanging one, the still centre... (I am paraphrasing btw). So I seek to remember this.
I am reading a mystery book; lovely after fasting from them for Lent. Sweet Revenge by Diane Mott Davidson. I like, though I must say she is pushing things a bit in places; the phrases. I was an English major and am still aware of what I read. None the less, I am enjoying it thus far.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
tired but peaceful
This morning when I was busing to work, and passing over a bridge, the bus stopped. I got to look out on to a river, with apartments, green grass and sunshine. I thought today I need to enjoy the present. i.e. not be thinking only of the future (job etc). I had a fast walk over lunch with colleagues. I had ice cream when I got home. Chapman's Premium French Vanilla. I decided I like it better plain than with cheapy chocolate sauce.
I got a cute pink summer blouse on sale. I got another black shirt at another store (than the one yesterday) discounted and with a sale coupon. I listened to Bach. Held my cat, called my Mom (twice), got a hold of a reference, and researched for my second round interview.
Tomorrow DV I am going to vespers after a meal with a friend who got engaged over Pasca in a small white Greek church in Athens (where the fiance is from). Talk about romantic. ! I will get to see pictures.
Today is St. George Day old calendar!!!! Happy St. George Day!!!! I have a beautiful Icon of him newly placed on my icon prayer wall and I was happy today because it is his day.
Now it is time to rest for the night...
I got a cute pink summer blouse on sale. I got another black shirt at another store (than the one yesterday) discounted and with a sale coupon. I listened to Bach. Held my cat, called my Mom (twice), got a hold of a reference, and researched for my second round interview.
Tomorrow DV I am going to vespers after a meal with a friend who got engaged over Pasca in a small white Greek church in Athens (where the fiance is from). Talk about romantic. ! I will get to see pictures.
Today is St. George Day old calendar!!!! Happy St. George Day!!!! I have a beautiful Icon of him newly placed on my icon prayer wall and I was happy today because it is his day.
Now it is time to rest for the night...
Monday, May 05, 2008
If people were not praying...
I sware I would be dead!
exaggerating MAYBE. but really, I do not know how people survive without God; even when I am shaken, even deeply shaken, God always does something to up hold me.
Thank you Mimi for praying to St. Xenia of Petersberg for me. This means a lot. Her icon was the first one i ever bought, a small lovely one. it is right next to my icon of the Theotokos on the right and my icon of the Crucifixion on the left. (I have some icons on a shelf, with tea lights in front; I find that the icons need to be just above my immediate eye level, or there abouts).
For those who may not know, St. Xenia is a fool for Christ who lived in St. Petersberg and she chose to be homeless and prayed a LOT. Her prayers are still felt and effective for jobs, houses, spouses, protection of children. We recently got a beautiful handwritten icon of her in my Church here in Ottawa. I felt so relieved when she was brought in to Church!
Well. no new job news. I took a test today for a government competition; I did not do that well, but I also do not really want the job, as opposed to others... I went shopping - yes - again. I do not go shopping that much (really) but I wanted a new spring shirt for my second round interview. I got a nice purple one - light with a bright summer-spring feel - and I bought my second ever nice pair of black pants - and - to my delight - a long sleeved button down black shirt with fabric that I think will not collect Cleo hair as quickly! When you have a non-pure breed long haired Himalayan Cat with Blue Eyes, this becomes a consideration! I really should get a digital camera someday so I can post a picture. Of course then I would have to figure out how to do so... :)
I am seriously excited about this black shirt, as I wear black shirts under various work jackets (or blazers, depending on what term is being used). I am so excited, I may go back and buy another. I have not found a good black shirt in a long time and my older blackshirts are really shabby now.
One thing that I find I struggle with, which I think a lot of people do, when I have interviews is suddenly being worried about what I LOOK like. Suddenly blush colour, lip colour, hair cuts, and clothes mean something.
Sigh. But I am so glad that God loves me despite of it all and I am so glad for the Saints as well.
When I think of all the spiritual support I have in the Orthodox Church, I wonder why my faith is so small when I am in job transition. But at the same time, it is good to see how little I am and how weak; the hope is that I will gain humility from this. I have been learning more this year how the Church Fathers consider humility to be one of the most important things. And I have been being taught that humility and love are directly linked, the two sides of the same coin.
In all these things, I thank God for His mercy!
exaggerating MAYBE. but really, I do not know how people survive without God; even when I am shaken, even deeply shaken, God always does something to up hold me.
Thank you Mimi for praying to St. Xenia of Petersberg for me. This means a lot. Her icon was the first one i ever bought, a small lovely one. it is right next to my icon of the Theotokos on the right and my icon of the Crucifixion on the left. (I have some icons on a shelf, with tea lights in front; I find that the icons need to be just above my immediate eye level, or there abouts).
For those who may not know, St. Xenia is a fool for Christ who lived in St. Petersberg and she chose to be homeless and prayed a LOT. Her prayers are still felt and effective for jobs, houses, spouses, protection of children. We recently got a beautiful handwritten icon of her in my Church here in Ottawa. I felt so relieved when she was brought in to Church!
Well. no new job news. I took a test today for a government competition; I did not do that well, but I also do not really want the job, as opposed to others... I went shopping - yes - again. I do not go shopping that much (really) but I wanted a new spring shirt for my second round interview. I got a nice purple one - light with a bright summer-spring feel - and I bought my second ever nice pair of black pants - and - to my delight - a long sleeved button down black shirt with fabric that I think will not collect Cleo hair as quickly! When you have a non-pure breed long haired Himalayan Cat with Blue Eyes, this becomes a consideration! I really should get a digital camera someday so I can post a picture. Of course then I would have to figure out how to do so... :)
I am seriously excited about this black shirt, as I wear black shirts under various work jackets (or blazers, depending on what term is being used). I am so excited, I may go back and buy another. I have not found a good black shirt in a long time and my older blackshirts are really shabby now.
One thing that I find I struggle with, which I think a lot of people do, when I have interviews is suddenly being worried about what I LOOK like. Suddenly blush colour, lip colour, hair cuts, and clothes mean something.
Sigh. But I am so glad that God loves me despite of it all and I am so glad for the Saints as well.
When I think of all the spiritual support I have in the Orthodox Church, I wonder why my faith is so small when I am in job transition. But at the same time, it is good to see how little I am and how weak; the hope is that I will gain humility from this. I have been learning more this year how the Church Fathers consider humility to be one of the most important things. And I have been being taught that humility and love are directly linked, the two sides of the same coin.
In all these things, I thank God for His mercy!
Saturday, May 03, 2008
I made the second round
I have a second interview for the job I interviewed for this past Wednesday. The second interview is the Tuesday of next week.
This week has been a challenging one, but was encouraged by being in church for vespers.
This week has been a challenging one, but was encouraged by being in church for vespers.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Thank God
The interview is over! By many people's prayers, I believe I interviewed well. (Thank you everyone who has prayed for me!) Now I am waiting to see about the second round of interviews. I really need God's wisdom and guidance in this!
I found praying the Our Father, esp. the "Thy will be done" helpful.
I found praying the Our Father, esp. the "Thy will be done" helpful.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
the day before
Cleo is looking up at me with her blue eyes. I am trying to focus on reviewing for my interview tomorrow at 11. outside my window I can see small green leaves on trees.
sometimes I wish my blog was more than what it is. I think a lot of thoughts but do not have much time to put them down.
it is so hard to prepare for interviews.
Lord have mercy!
Please pray for me. and if I can pray for you, please also let me know!
sometimes I wish my blog was more than what it is. I think a lot of thoughts but do not have much time to put them down.
it is so hard to prepare for interviews.
Lord have mercy!
Please pray for me. and if I can pray for you, please also let me know!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Pasca
Pasca is glorious.
Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!
May we all learn, after dying with Him, to then rise with Him!
Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!
May we all learn, after dying with Him, to then rise with Him!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Great and Holy Friday
Glory to Thy Passion O Lord, Glory to Thy long suffering!
Every Holy Week is so unique.
I am feeling overwhelmed but very cared for. I found a beautiful Pasca outfit. All white. Praying that it does not rain.
I have an interview for a job I applied for this coming Wednesday and have no idea how to prepare (and will not start to do so until earliest Bright Monday afternoon).
I applied for another job online yesterday (the one I think I really want, but before interviews it is hard to know).
Interviews, as it does for many, makes me nervous. Invariably I go shopping - this time new jacket and light pink blouse. any thoughts on light pink with black pants and jacket for an interview?
Sigh.
I know what I need to do most of all: pray the verses in Matthew 6 about not worrying:
do not worry about the clothes you will wear
and Seek First God's Kingdom.
I am really excited for Pasca. And this is the first time I have gotten a Pasca outfit, one that I hope will last a good number of years.
(FYI for those who wonder, I do not have a digital camera and do not know how to post pictures; I am also lazy, sorry.)
I know that the Pasca baskets and Pasca outfits are beyond second place in comparison to Christ's Passion and Resurrection. Yet, it feels wonderful to try to prepare one's self with one's best clothes, shoes, baskets for Pasca.
Now I have so much to do ... Holy Friday was not supposed to be as frantic as my morning will be, but I must continue to trust in God's mercy. And I pray that as I go about things, that my heart can learn to be awake to God and to watch.
Blessed Holy Weekend to all.
Every Holy Week is so unique.
I am feeling overwhelmed but very cared for. I found a beautiful Pasca outfit. All white. Praying that it does not rain.
I have an interview for a job I applied for this coming Wednesday and have no idea how to prepare (and will not start to do so until earliest Bright Monday afternoon).
I applied for another job online yesterday (the one I think I really want, but before interviews it is hard to know).
Interviews, as it does for many, makes me nervous. Invariably I go shopping - this time new jacket and light pink blouse. any thoughts on light pink with black pants and jacket for an interview?
Sigh.
I know what I need to do most of all: pray the verses in Matthew 6 about not worrying:
do not worry about the clothes you will wear
and Seek First God's Kingdom.
I am really excited for Pasca. And this is the first time I have gotten a Pasca outfit, one that I hope will last a good number of years.
(FYI for those who wonder, I do not have a digital camera and do not know how to post pictures; I am also lazy, sorry.)
I know that the Pasca baskets and Pasca outfits are beyond second place in comparison to Christ's Passion and Resurrection. Yet, it feels wonderful to try to prepare one's self with one's best clothes, shoes, baskets for Pasca.
Now I have so much to do ... Holy Friday was not supposed to be as frantic as my morning will be, but I must continue to trust in God's mercy. And I pray that as I go about things, that my heart can learn to be awake to God and to watch.
Blessed Holy Weekend to all.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Holy Tuesday, Good Things Happening
It is Holy Tuesday!
I admit it feels a bit surreal to me, as I am also on vacation. And let me tell you just being able to be at my house during the day and not waking up between 5 and 6 am is great!
Tonight I am visiting another church for Tuesday's Bridegroom Matins... I am greatly anticipating this, as these are some of my all time favourite services of the liturgical year.
So the good things, other than what I already mentioned:
1. I got screen into the first part of a (government, aka red tape) completion for a job! In about 2 weeks I will go and do a test on the computer on specific librarian skills to see if I can do that job.
2. I went to the public library (aka not as much red tape) today and asked in person about a job posting that is due tomorrow. Cover Letter notes have been made. And what is better is that I feel I actually have stuff to say! Thank You God for Your Mercy.
So both of these job opportunities I will be waiting to see if I get an interview for.
I was nervous about going in person and am so glad I did...
Now I have to do more work...
Some special friends are praying for me for this and I feel really blessed and supported. God is so good to me, even when I get scared and my faith is small and shaky.
Okay. Time for dinner. I always feel drained after doing informal networking with the other librarians I would be working with! Now to see what is in my fridge...
I admit it feels a bit surreal to me, as I am also on vacation. And let me tell you just being able to be at my house during the day and not waking up between 5 and 6 am is great!
Tonight I am visiting another church for Tuesday's Bridegroom Matins... I am greatly anticipating this, as these are some of my all time favourite services of the liturgical year.
So the good things, other than what I already mentioned:
1. I got screen into the first part of a (government, aka red tape) completion for a job! In about 2 weeks I will go and do a test on the computer on specific librarian skills to see if I can do that job.
2. I went to the public library (aka not as much red tape) today and asked in person about a job posting that is due tomorrow. Cover Letter notes have been made. And what is better is that I feel I actually have stuff to say! Thank You God for Your Mercy.
So both of these job opportunities I will be waiting to see if I get an interview for.
I was nervous about going in person and am so glad I did...
Now I have to do more work...
Some special friends are praying for me for this and I feel really blessed and supported. God is so good to me, even when I get scared and my faith is small and shaky.
Okay. Time for dinner. I always feel drained after doing informal networking with the other librarians I would be working with! Now to see what is in my fridge...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Holy Week, Holy Monday
Thank God. Survival of Lent 2008 has happened.
My house is slowly getting cleaned. I felt by the end of Lent that I had nothing to give to God. I have since been told that I have one thing I can give: my willingness.
Psalm 51 "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."
I am listening to Bach as I clean my house; I went grocery shopping. They were out of ice cream - I hope to get some by Pasca to continue my tradition of having it for breakfast on Pasca morning after waking up (as in I will be going to sleep at 2-3 AM after the Pasca liturgy and basket blessing; we do not have a Sunday AM liturgy that day). Ice cream for breakfast is one of the great things of being Orthodox and an adult! :)
And, it fits my sense of humour.
I have to research the library job today and go to the library tomorrow and try to introduce myself to a manager to tell them I will be applying.
about this I am just a little NERVOUS. but I know I need to do it; various people agreed including my Deacon. Would love prayers for this...
I have been home most of today, much to my Cat's delight. I had been finding my work a bit stressful of late, so I am glad for the week break. I hope my next job has vacation days too! I could really get used to this...
Wishing everyone a good Holy Week... and Great and Holy Pasca! (in case I do not blog again this week).
My house is slowly getting cleaned. I felt by the end of Lent that I had nothing to give to God. I have since been told that I have one thing I can give: my willingness.
Psalm 51 "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."
I am listening to Bach as I clean my house; I went grocery shopping. They were out of ice cream - I hope to get some by Pasca to continue my tradition of having it for breakfast on Pasca morning after waking up (as in I will be going to sleep at 2-3 AM after the Pasca liturgy and basket blessing; we do not have a Sunday AM liturgy that day). Ice cream for breakfast is one of the great things of being Orthodox and an adult! :)
And, it fits my sense of humour.
I have to research the library job today and go to the library tomorrow and try to introduce myself to a manager to tell them I will be applying.
about this I am just a little NERVOUS. but I know I need to do it; various people agreed including my Deacon. Would love prayers for this...
I have been home most of today, much to my Cat's delight. I had been finding my work a bit stressful of late, so I am glad for the week break. I hope my next job has vacation days too! I could really get used to this...
Wishing everyone a good Holy Week... and Great and Holy Pasca! (in case I do not blog again this week).
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
5th week of Lent
We are almost to Lazarus Saturday and Palm Sunday.
Two cover letters to write.
My house is a mess. My Cat Cleo is Cute.
It is warm now! Sunny even; the snow piles are almost all melted.
I am dreaming of Pasca baskets, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream.
I am praying that I can be changed by the services.
The 5th week is long and I am tired.
Thank God that He is near to the weak and the weary. How I need His mercy, His protection!
Two cover letters to write.
My house is a mess. My Cat Cleo is Cute.
It is warm now! Sunny even; the snow piles are almost all melted.
I am dreaming of Pasca baskets, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream.
I am praying that I can be changed by the services.
The 5th week is long and I am tired.
Thank God that He is near to the weak and the weary. How I need His mercy, His protection!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The pull towards Holy Week amidst Cover Letters
We are almost in the 5th and last week of Lent!!! I think a lot of us feel a bit battered by now. The marathon to Holy Week is always challenging, often in unexpected or unforeseen ways. But straggling and bedraggled, we are coming.
I am working on a cover letter again. I am slowly getting a format down so that I can use again, with changes according to job description.
It is such a challenge to look for work! It takes a lot of perseverance and spiritual battles against apathy and despair. Perfect for Lent!!
I am starting the feel the pull towards Holy Week; the prayers of Bridegroom Matins are coming back; the freedom, intensity and otherness of this week. I can't wait. My spiritual father has said if one could only live 7 days, these are the 7 days to live.
I have taken the whole week off. Works well since I need to use up my vacation time; to me this was not even something I thought about not doing. I am an Orthodox convert - isn't that just something we would do? :)
It is also practical - Pasca flu can really happen. The services can be intense, long and deeply beautiful. I could go on...
But I better finish the draft of my cover letter so I can go to vespers on time...
I am working on a cover letter again. I am slowly getting a format down so that I can use again, with changes according to job description.
It is such a challenge to look for work! It takes a lot of perseverance and spiritual battles against apathy and despair. Perfect for Lent!!
I am starting the feel the pull towards Holy Week; the prayers of Bridegroom Matins are coming back; the freedom, intensity and otherness of this week. I can't wait. My spiritual father has said if one could only live 7 days, these are the 7 days to live.
I have taken the whole week off. Works well since I need to use up my vacation time; to me this was not even something I thought about not doing. I am an Orthodox convert - isn't that just something we would do? :)
It is also practical - Pasca flu can really happen. The services can be intense, long and deeply beautiful. I could go on...
But I better finish the draft of my cover letter so I can go to vespers on time...
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Job Seeking, God's will
I am following up with a resume and cover letter... I am feeling hopeful but am trying to remain conscious of being in God's hands.
A few years ago, when I was desperate to return to Ottawa to live (I had finally found my spiritual father as well as a city and church that had become home) my spiritual father kept telling me:
it is okay to ask God for the desires of your heart, but ask like Christ did in Gethsemane.
During this period of time, I realized that:
the safest place to be is in God's will, Christ died on the Cross in obedience to God's will. This means that Christ was safe while being crucified.
Oh to love Christ enough to always seek to be in His care and to be willing to follow Him, even to the Cross -- so that we too can come to the Resurrection...
A few years ago, when I was desperate to return to Ottawa to live (I had finally found my spiritual father as well as a city and church that had become home) my spiritual father kept telling me:
it is okay to ask God for the desires of your heart, but ask like Christ did in Gethsemane.
During this period of time, I realized that:
the safest place to be is in God's will, Christ died on the Cross in obedience to God's will. This means that Christ was safe while being crucified.
Oh to love Christ enough to always seek to be in His care and to be willing to follow Him, even to the Cross -- so that we too can come to the Resurrection...
Monday, April 07, 2008
love and humility
i have begun to read more on what the Church Fathers teach reading humility - that love and humility are the same. the more i read and seek to be taught by the Church, the greater is my gratitude for being brought into a Church that can teach and Shepherd me. that i can learn about deep spiritual teachings on humility and love.
truly i have such along way to go in understanding how to love or how to be humble.
i have been advised to mediate on 1 Cor 13:3-13.
Here is part of this passage (NKJV)
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. ...
i have often failed.
forgive me a sinner.
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.
truly i have such along way to go in understanding how to love or how to be humble.
i have been advised to mediate on 1 Cor 13:3-13.
Here is part of this passage (NKJV)
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. ...
i have often failed.
forgive me a sinner.
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
God is so good to me
I have been given some special Orthodox books lately during Lent. And as my priest and spiritual Father said in a sermon, Lent is a gift from God for us.
I seek to be thankful.
I seek to be thankful.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Post mainly on God as the source of Joy, of Love
This sinus cold I have just does not want to let go! I am taking the day off today to rest and try to get past it. When I do anything I tend to do it well and so this cold seems to have quite the grip, particularly on the breathing/exhaustion factor.
As I really want to go to Church this weekend (including tomorrow for presanctified liturgy) I really want to have more energy. Lord have mercy.
Other thoughts.
I read a blog post from a former classmate of mine about evil things going on in Korea. I pointed out that Satan is the destroyer. I have been thinking of this since a talk I heard by the holy hermit priest-monk who visits my church from time to time. The devil seeks to destroy. I can see this more now and understand the creation story better/in a new light.
Adam and Eve had paradise with God; Satan tempted them so that their paradise would be destroyed.
I can see a little more how God is the source of JOY, of all creative good.
I can also see Western culture continuing a fast decline - in many areas - not just the arts - but in basic dignity and goodness. Watching a video of people "making out" is seen not as gross but as something worth watching. I was relieved that at least one other person at the table, when this video was mentioned, said "gross" right away.
Humans are made with Joy, in the image of God. Seeing humans misuse each other and the consumerist approach to other humans (i.e. that video) demeans and denigrates what is holy.
We are truly in a battle for our souls and for our nation's souls. I feel like we have all been sleeping so long and we need to wake up. I need to wake up.
The Orthodox church prepares people for battle; the Church does not hide the Saints and the suffering they went through. The Christian Church has had more martyrs this century than in all before. Many of these in Orthodox countries; many monks, nuns, priests... other Christians as well.
I was greatly impressed by Fr. Roman Braga's book and feel the need to seek to learn the spiritual disciplines taught within the Church.
Last thought: my spiritual sister astounded me with this fact: Christianity's foundation (i.e. how we are to live) is the Beatitudes.
As I really want to go to Church this weekend (including tomorrow for presanctified liturgy) I really want to have more energy. Lord have mercy.
Other thoughts.
I read a blog post from a former classmate of mine about evil things going on in Korea. I pointed out that Satan is the destroyer. I have been thinking of this since a talk I heard by the holy hermit priest-monk who visits my church from time to time. The devil seeks to destroy. I can see this more now and understand the creation story better/in a new light.
Adam and Eve had paradise with God; Satan tempted them so that their paradise would be destroyed.
I can see a little more how God is the source of JOY, of all creative good.
I can also see Western culture continuing a fast decline - in many areas - not just the arts - but in basic dignity and goodness. Watching a video of people "making out" is seen not as gross but as something worth watching. I was relieved that at least one other person at the table, when this video was mentioned, said "gross" right away.
Humans are made with Joy, in the image of God. Seeing humans misuse each other and the consumerist approach to other humans (i.e. that video) demeans and denigrates what is holy.
We are truly in a battle for our souls and for our nation's souls. I feel like we have all been sleeping so long and we need to wake up. I need to wake up.
The Orthodox church prepares people for battle; the Church does not hide the Saints and the suffering they went through. The Christian Church has had more martyrs this century than in all before. Many of these in Orthodox countries; many monks, nuns, priests... other Christians as well.
I was greatly impressed by Fr. Roman Braga's book and feel the need to seek to learn the spiritual disciplines taught within the Church.
Last thought: my spiritual sister astounded me with this fact: Christianity's foundation (i.e. how we are to live) is the Beatitudes.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
it is lent
i found out this week that my job, a 1 year contract, will be ending in 2 months. as much as i want to not be worried, i still am struggling with worry.
i also have a head cold, though i do not fully mind it, as it seems to be running its course in a strait-forward manner.
i am glad it is lent because i need to be in church more; but at the same time i am always surprised at how HARD lent is!
nevertheless, i am glad it is lent.
i have all of Holy Week off and DV i am greatly looking forward to it...
Lord have mercy!
i also have a head cold, though i do not fully mind it, as it seems to be running its course in a strait-forward manner.
i am glad it is lent because i need to be in church more; but at the same time i am always surprised at how HARD lent is!
nevertheless, i am glad it is lent.
i have all of Holy Week off and DV i am greatly looking forward to it...
Lord have mercy!
Monday, March 24, 2008
nearest book on page 123, three sentances after the first 5
i was tagged by biss (http://princessbiss.blogspot.com/).
i am not fully playing along i admit but here is main part of it, as already posted for her in a comment...
the three sentances after the first five on pg 123:
"The second wave of imprisonment began. The first one had occured on the 15th of May 1948, with the intention of abolising the remainder of the historical political parties and the so-called bourgeious mentality. This time, however, the attack was directed percisely against God."
(next sentance)
"The targets were priests, monks, and intelletuals who attacted others to themselves, who exhibited great spiritual influence."
from the essay "The Burning Bush" by Fr. Roman Braga which is in the book _exploring the inner universe: joy - the mystery of life_ published by HDM Press, third printing, 2006 first english edition.
i was reading this one over breakfast. the long part of this book is an interview with Fr. Roman that i highly recommend reading. it gives a lot of what converts like me do not know about - what it would be like to be raised Orthodox in an Orthodox country.
i am not fully playing along i admit but here is main part of it, as already posted for her in a comment...
the three sentances after the first five on pg 123:
"The second wave of imprisonment began. The first one had occured on the 15th of May 1948, with the intention of abolising the remainder of the historical political parties and the so-called bourgeious mentality. This time, however, the attack was directed percisely against God."
(next sentance)
"The targets were priests, monks, and intelletuals who attacted others to themselves, who exhibited great spiritual influence."
from the essay "The Burning Bush" by Fr. Roman Braga which is in the book _exploring the inner universe: joy - the mystery of life_ published by HDM Press, third printing, 2006 first english edition.
i was reading this one over breakfast. the long part of this book is an interview with Fr. Roman that i highly recommend reading. it gives a lot of what converts like me do not know about - what it would be like to be raised Orthodox in an Orthodox country.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Life just keeps going
The summary.
1. I am applying for another job, this one through word of mouth. What ever happens, I can see God’s mercy and grace. Only He can do what has already been done. I am thankful and strive to trust God with my life, my future, with my very breath...
2.I love my church. So much. I love my other churches too. I love my Godmother and I could go on and on and on.
3. I find it hard to balance social and alone times.
4. I am listening to Church Slavonic. At least I think I am! :) It is beautiful.
5. I find it hard to know what type of job within the library world would suit me best. I like what God has given me so far.
Okay. Back to working on the job application. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy…
1. I am applying for another job, this one through word of mouth. What ever happens, I can see God’s mercy and grace. Only He can do what has already been done. I am thankful and strive to trust God with my life, my future, with my very breath...
2.I love my church. So much. I love my other churches too. I love my Godmother and I could go on and on and on.
3. I find it hard to balance social and alone times.
4. I am listening to Church Slavonic. At least I think I am! :) It is beautiful.
5. I find it hard to know what type of job within the library world would suit me best. I like what God has given me so far.
Okay. Back to working on the job application. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy…
Monday, March 03, 2008
home again
Thank God I am home again. I had a nice trip; it was really good to see my Oma. She is still knitting, and at 99 that is pretty good. I know that she will not always be alive, which is hard. It was reassuring to see everything still the same; other than that everyone keeps getting older.
I saw my parents, more aunts and uncles, my Oma. I was surrounded by people speaking Dutch; it was wonderful, even though i do not know the language. I grew up visiting my Opa and Oma and it is almost second nature to be around people speaking in more than one language.
And I saw a lot of pictures in the hallways, and a lot of beautiful things.
It is strange always now, though not to see Icons.
but I saw many other signs of God's kingdom in the faithfulness of my Oma's people.
and, on smaller notes, the tea pot, sugar and creamer that I got from my Grandma (not to be confused with my Oma) over Christmas are now with me; my parents brought them up, with a silver mirrored tray that I bought at an antique store when antiquing with my Grandma. They are adorning one of my bookshelves and that is lovely.
I have been thinking about identity and what we surround ourselves with. I am the type that surrounds myself with things that are linked to my family and friends. I do not have the minimalist IKEA-only apartment. I have IKEA things along side of family dishes, pictures, knitted things from my Oma, and Icons from my various Orthodox churches and from the monastery that I love in Michigan. To me these things show and tell me where I am from; my Church, my family. And to me having things I bought with my sister, Grandma and Mother; or slippers, scarves, mittens, and tea cozies from my Oma, is like being surrounded with their love. and it shows me that others think of me, that I am remembered.
How I wish Protestants knew that we can pray for those who have died! when we, Orthodox, says Memory Eternal, we are praying for God to remember the person who has died. It is such a comfort that someday, if my Oma dies before me (the statistical view would be this way) the grief will be real, but I have been given a great comfort in the church, to pray for her and to have a service for her.
I saw my parents, more aunts and uncles, my Oma. I was surrounded by people speaking Dutch; it was wonderful, even though i do not know the language. I grew up visiting my Opa and Oma and it is almost second nature to be around people speaking in more than one language.
And I saw a lot of pictures in the hallways, and a lot of beautiful things.
It is strange always now, though not to see Icons.
but I saw many other signs of God's kingdom in the faithfulness of my Oma's people.
and, on smaller notes, the tea pot, sugar and creamer that I got from my Grandma (not to be confused with my Oma) over Christmas are now with me; my parents brought them up, with a silver mirrored tray that I bought at an antique store when antiquing with my Grandma. They are adorning one of my bookshelves and that is lovely.
I have been thinking about identity and what we surround ourselves with. I am the type that surrounds myself with things that are linked to my family and friends. I do not have the minimalist IKEA-only apartment. I have IKEA things along side of family dishes, pictures, knitted things from my Oma, and Icons from my various Orthodox churches and from the monastery that I love in Michigan. To me these things show and tell me where I am from; my Church, my family. And to me having things I bought with my sister, Grandma and Mother; or slippers, scarves, mittens, and tea cozies from my Oma, is like being surrounded with their love. and it shows me that others think of me, that I am remembered.
How I wish Protestants knew that we can pray for those who have died! when we, Orthodox, says Memory Eternal, we are praying for God to remember the person who has died. It is such a comfort that someday, if my Oma dies before me (the statistical view would be this way) the grief will be real, but I have been given a great comfort in the church, to pray for her and to have a service for her.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Whew. Done. Thank God.
the job app is submitted. thank God. and thanks to Mimi and anyone else who prayed for me. i was having stress dreams and waking at 3 am; this week was quite intense.
well. now i have to pack for Brampton, flying tomorrow AM early. bringing various presents with me, lots of it food.
i need to wash my dishes.
i have been keeping better house habits since my house-blessing. for lent i am going to try to start having better eating habits. i am seeing that the spiritual life is not outside of my normal life but instead is directly part of it. making my bed before praying is a good thing. i cannot imagine not being Orthodox now. how could prayer not have to do with lighting candles.
of course these are the outer things; learning the interior spiritual disciplines are slow and require a great deal of effort, humility and God's mercy. thank God that His mercy is stronger than my small efforts. and i am slowly seeing that these spiritual disciplines can only take place because i am inside the church...
well. now i have to pack for Brampton, flying tomorrow AM early. bringing various presents with me, lots of it food.
i need to wash my dishes.
i have been keeping better house habits since my house-blessing. for lent i am going to try to start having better eating habits. i am seeing that the spiritual life is not outside of my normal life but instead is directly part of it. making my bed before praying is a good thing. i cannot imagine not being Orthodox now. how could prayer not have to do with lighting candles.
of course these are the outer things; learning the interior spiritual disciplines are slow and require a great deal of effort, humility and God's mercy. thank God that His mercy is stronger than my small efforts. and i am slowly seeing that these spiritual disciplines can only take place because i am inside the church...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
More of the same
I am back. This time I am listening to a CD made at the convent of St. Elisabeth the New Martyr. That I do not know the language makes no difference. I met sisters from this Convent and have some small icons from them as well. St. Elisabeth is important to me; we have a beautiful icon of her in my church.
I am working on my job application.
Last night I was at church. I love being at church. It is like being home and the home is good and full of safety, in the sense of comfort and that there are Saints there who can help take care of things... It is like being a child, having a good father and falling asleep, listening to his voice.
Okay. The job I am applying for I do not have a lot of direct experience - which does not always matter as training and on the job learning is better. Being a librarian means that you can do a lot of different things. But it does not mean that I am always that good at resumes.
May God's will be done, here below as in Heaven.
I am working on my job application.
Last night I was at church. I love being at church. It is like being home and the home is good and full of safety, in the sense of comfort and that there are Saints there who can help take care of things... It is like being a child, having a good father and falling asleep, listening to his voice.
Okay. The job I am applying for I do not have a lot of direct experience - which does not always matter as training and on the job learning is better. Being a librarian means that you can do a lot of different things. But it does not mean that I am always that good at resumes.
May God's will be done, here below as in Heaven.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Various and varying things
the list:
1. i am doing a job application. due friday. prayers welcome.
2. i am going to see my Oma this weekend - she is 99 - this means i am missing church but my Oma is 99 and i will DV also see my parents and aunts and uncles. i am flying to Brampton and my ears are still a bit plugged. am taking decongestants, chewing gum, etc.
3. some of my books from my parents house are coming with my parents and will be greyhounded to ottawa. many of these books i have not had with me since 2004.
4. i am drinking tea in the kitchen and Cleo is sitting on my gold chair. Bach is playing in the background.
back to my resume.
oh. i think i still like being a librarian. i really actually want to keep my job where i am at, but they cannot yet tell me if i will have anything past May 29 so i have to keep my options open.
okay. back to work...
1. i am doing a job application. due friday. prayers welcome.
2. i am going to see my Oma this weekend - she is 99 - this means i am missing church but my Oma is 99 and i will DV also see my parents and aunts and uncles. i am flying to Brampton and my ears are still a bit plugged. am taking decongestants, chewing gum, etc.
3. some of my books from my parents house are coming with my parents and will be greyhounded to ottawa. many of these books i have not had with me since 2004.
4. i am drinking tea in the kitchen and Cleo is sitting on my gold chair. Bach is playing in the background.
back to my resume.
oh. i think i still like being a librarian. i really actually want to keep my job where i am at, but they cannot yet tell me if i will have anything past May 29 so i have to keep my options open.
okay. back to work...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
thanksgiving
Thanks to God my house is blessed!
I cleaned for hours, but wow was it worth it. it feels so good to be in a clean space! and now also a blessed space.
the Lord has been so good to me.
I cleaned for hours, but wow was it worth it. it feels so good to be in a clean space! and now also a blessed space.
the Lord has been so good to me.
awake at 4
sigh.
when ever i am going to have at all a nice day i wake up super early! My Opa had the same struggle.
i cleaned all last night for my little apartment finally to be blessed. i have lived here over a year already, but it just did not work out to have my house blessed.
it is quite something though to me, to prepare for this. it is a very exciting thing for me and at the same time has this element of acceptance of the way things are.
i am more settled now (though my job as it stands now ends at the end of May and that is on my mind a little) than i have been as a student. but it is not like i thought it would be. i have a lot of my things together, but am slowly learning how much of feeling settled is a inward condition of grace and comes only with time and prayer. and to be honest it is an inward condition that i lack.
i am usually looking for the next thing, or thinking it will be so nice when my house is clean, or when i have a better plan for meals, or when my work is more permanent.
well. my house will (notice the future tense of this verb!) be clean today. my laundry is done. i do have food in the freezer (though i have to go grocery shopping).
but it is my heart that needs the most feeding, restructuring, cleaning and tender healing.
i am so glad for the hope for this inward healing in the church; it is incredible to be loved and to be able to learn to trust in God's mercy.
when ever i am going to have at all a nice day i wake up super early! My Opa had the same struggle.
i cleaned all last night for my little apartment finally to be blessed. i have lived here over a year already, but it just did not work out to have my house blessed.
it is quite something though to me, to prepare for this. it is a very exciting thing for me and at the same time has this element of acceptance of the way things are.
i am more settled now (though my job as it stands now ends at the end of May and that is on my mind a little) than i have been as a student. but it is not like i thought it would be. i have a lot of my things together, but am slowly learning how much of feeling settled is a inward condition of grace and comes only with time and prayer. and to be honest it is an inward condition that i lack.
i am usually looking for the next thing, or thinking it will be so nice when my house is clean, or when i have a better plan for meals, or when my work is more permanent.
well. my house will (notice the future tense of this verb!) be clean today. my laundry is done. i do have food in the freezer (though i have to go grocery shopping).
but it is my heart that needs the most feeding, restructuring, cleaning and tender healing.
i am so glad for the hope for this inward healing in the church; it is incredible to be loved and to be able to learn to trust in God's mercy.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
today
happy St. Valentine's day! :)
today i went to a wedding at my church and it was really special. and at the end i got to hold a special little baby, and stood at the back of church. this made my heart happy.
i realize i just used the word 'special' two times, but you know, it is an okay word...
sometimes it is hard to capture how one's feels, you know. perhaps that is because the feeling is so inward, that an outward expression of it is difficult.
i was near an icon of St. Elisabeth the new martyr; i held a child; i was with my church family; it is a safe, comforting thing. i think the nearest to explaining it is what i see when the priest's young daughter falls and hurts herself. if her father is near by and sees, he goes over, picks her up and holds her. it is beautiful and a deep thing to know that one can still be safe like that, even though i am now an adult.
becoming Orthodox is the best thing that ever happened to me, other than having a Christian family to grow up in. i am blessed and thank God for such immense grace.
today i went to a wedding at my church and it was really special. and at the end i got to hold a special little baby, and stood at the back of church. this made my heart happy.
i realize i just used the word 'special' two times, but you know, it is an okay word...
sometimes it is hard to capture how one's feels, you know. perhaps that is because the feeling is so inward, that an outward expression of it is difficult.
i was near an icon of St. Elisabeth the new martyr; i held a child; i was with my church family; it is a safe, comforting thing. i think the nearest to explaining it is what i see when the priest's young daughter falls and hurts herself. if her father is near by and sees, he goes over, picks her up and holds her. it is beautiful and a deep thing to know that one can still be safe like that, even though i am now an adult.
becoming Orthodox is the best thing that ever happened to me, other than having a Christian family to grow up in. i am blessed and thank God for such immense grace.
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