Greatful to God

This week I helped with panihida at my church,

They can be so sad and this death was unexpected and the person

only in the 'middle age' of life.

I was able to put some of the flowers brought to church in vases;
giving flowers to Saints in church is always a comfort to me.

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This Akathist is a wonderful one to pray for those we have lost:

Akathist to Jesus Christ For a Loved One Who Has Fallen Asleep

(scroll down as it is the 10 booklet on this page; both monasteries

where I have been sell these).

There are also much shorter prayers for the departed

which are also wonderful to pray,

these are found in most Orthodox prayer books,

God hears our prayers, regardless of length.

God is good to us.

My spiritual father said this week that

To grieve makes us human, to grieve with hope makes us Christian.

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Note: I tried to put the pictures back in for my blog post. But it was not working so I have reposted this without the pictures. This is at least the third time Blogger has had problems with my pictures. I hope Google products stabilize soon.

Soul Saturdays...Spiritual Mothers and Fathers

It is sunny here.

By the end of the panihida my heart felt light. It is so wonderful to be in Church.

Like many I have a long blog roll in bloglines. One of the blogs I read is Christ is in our Midst by Handmaiden Leah. She has a great post about this Soul Saturday and how Koliva came to the Orthodox church.

My spiritual father spoke afterwards about how Lent is coming, how those who have died and are in Christ know that Lent is coming. They live already in the light of Pasca, but they know spiritually what is going on for us. He reminded us that we are in one Church with them, that they are with us as we journey to Pasca. I know many priests have sensed those priests who have departed this earth still with them in the Altar. It is such a comfort to know also that my loved ones who loved the Lord, including my spiritual mother, are with me in Church.

My spiritual mother was not Orthodox, but now that she is in heaven, she understands. And she loved God on earth and was a strong example of what a Christian woman can be - she prayed for many people, she helped many, she provided a refuge for many to begin deep process of healing through Christ. When she died is when God taught me that the early Church (I was not Orthodox yet) prayed for the dead.

The grief I felt when she died was the most intense I have ever consciously felt. It was like living for three days in an eclipse. I remember being shocked that the sun was shining outside. I felt like my Mother had died. I lived in BC then and she lived in New England. I had no money to go to her funeral. It was months before I went back to New England where she lived. For the first three weeks I kept thinking I saw her coming. I could not imagine that she was not coming down the stairs from her apartment for morning prayers. I could not imagine growing up without her.

Thank God that I now know that, while I cannot call her on the phone, cannot visit or email her, I can still ask for her prayers. Nothing can separate us from the love of God and Christ has trampled down death by death. My spiritual father taught us, some years ago, that in the Holy Spirit we can ask God to tell our Mothers, Fathers and other loved ones that we still love them, that we miss them. They know when we are praying for them. At times I ask a Saint that I am especially close with to relay my love to my spiritual mother.

A very special Orthodox friend, whose spiritual father is departed, still can tell spiritual father things in prayer.

My spiritual father has reminded us that the line between earthly life and the life of those departed is not that great, especially when we are in Church.

I am so thankful for my life here - that I can go to the panihida - that I can DV go back for vespers. Thank God for His Church and His great mercy.

The hard, good and um, funny...

The funny first. I was having a good day at work - when I realized that I was wearing one brown shoe and one black. Sigh. Good thing I find this funny...

The good Fr. Lawrence's podcasts have begun! It is wonderful to hear his voice and listen to him explain the Scriptures. He was there at the beginning of my journey into the Orthodox Church and I thank God for him.

Also I found a copy of Madeleine L' Engle's book A Wind in the Door today at public library book sale! I am not sure if I have read this one or not - I probably have but it has been a long time. I also found a copy of Dragons in the Waters which I am giving to a friend.

I am reading a lot of books right now - Kathleen Norris's book, an Amanda Cross mystery (No word from Winifred), Ulysses by Joyce (wanted to be more in the know as one of my friends is reading it for class; I know it is long and at times said to be unreadable), and I recently obtained, from 8th day books, St. Ephriam's Spiritual Psalter. Ancient Faith Radio reads some of these prayers throughout the day; I am grateful to have a copy. I am reading this book very slowly.

New and old books - L' Engle I have been reading more or less avidly for the last 12 years - Amanda Cross is great for thinking about the academic world, esp. English departments. One gets a real sense of the time period through reading popular mysteries and she deals with a lot of questions, including about the self, feminism, youth, and the current states in culture.

I picked up her book on Winifred when I was in Halifax, at the most overwhelming, real, wood floor and shelves with books that seem to almost cascade down tottering piles bookstore. I would go back, I think, almost solely to see this store again! It was lovely. Their mystery section had classics, they had a small wall of orange Penguins and a small corner with lots of editions of the Bible. I am hunting for a good edition of The Jerusalem Bible as I find that translation of the Psalms very tender. (Through another wonderful translation, which I do own, from 8th day books, is the Psalter of the Seventy).

Okay, the hard. As in hard to know how to process - I am going to have a panihida soon (if all goes as I hope) for my spiritual mother who died ten years ago last week. This is hard to know how to process as grief and as a prayer and not as any form of self-pity, which will hinder real growth, grief and prayer.

A lot is going on for me - preparing for a move, learning my new job - and figuring out how to live and not let go of the reader/bookish/writer side. God is good and I am thankful; He has given me so much.

ps: still working on downloading the Halifax pictures. Soon, I hope!