insomnia day 4 ~ God's mysterious mercy

72 hours maybe 10 hours sleep.

I managed 11 to 2 AM so far tonight.

The Dormition Fast began (new calendar) yesterday but we fast on Julian calendar so our Dormition Fast begins August 14th ending August 28th 

So my Husband and I went out for dinner, lamb gyro and fresh orange juice for me.  That orange juice was so intense in flavor I was amazed.  We split the lamb gyro platter and have leftovers for another meal.  

I bought 2 bottles of green smoothie as well.  I am going to pack nuts and water for church to have after Holy Communion.  

I had some sleep keto water.

I have had some pretty intense sinus pain (last night) because I flew and forgot that I should not wear my pink headphones when my ears are plugged and made it worse.  And I could not find my Advil Cold and Sinus last night.  So I took a 12 hour decongestant instead plus ibuprofen.  Helped pretty quickly.  My Husband bought me more mentos Orange vitamin gum and I have been chewing that a lot.  It helps.  

I was feeling so much better last night that I didn't have a night time decongestant.  I woke after 2. AM and had more.  

See I have to avoid getting a sinus infection and this level of insomnia leaves me incredibly vulnerable to getting one.  That's how I got sick in 2010 and 2023 and had that strange idiopathic rash that the second time almost killed me because I was put on way too high a dose of prednisone.

When I get in a Complex PTSD trigger situation with extreme insomnia I now know that it's all hands on deck.  Do everything I can to get good nutrition, sleep and sinus health.  

My twinkle lights burnt out and I replaced them last night in the middle of the night.

I was having sinus pain and huge light sensitivity last night, these lights hurt my eyes.  I experienced them as blindingly bright, so much so that it hurt my eyes to look at them on the counter before taping them to the bottom of the cupboard.  

Thanks to my Healing Autistic Burnout book I know that this is a sign of burnout. 

I am so thankful for everything.  

May God have mercy on us.

God's mercy is ever present

 

Today really was a miracle day because I'm running on about maybe 5 hours sleep in 48 hours.  Hopefully I'll sleep more tonight. But today I listen to music a lot and it was really helpful.  

I was able to do something that I've been wanting to do but I struggle with change and with what I think is the best way to care for myself.  In this case, I'm going to a different eye doctor.

Everything so far points to a very good experience. I'm basically missing an eye doctor I had who retired and who was a good fit for me.  The person I had in between was very kind but I just couldn't get over the change.  

I was able to order groceries today, I folded laundry and I even called my Mom.  I used to call my mom everyday but after my memory loss all of those normal routine things broke.  Just like I used to call my Grandma every Friday.  Friday afternoon I would be folding laundry and I would talk to her on my Vonage phone which I no longer have and I would use headphones so I'd have my hands free. 

I am loving my new teapot. It has a very open top and it's easy to put your hand in and wash it quickly.  I used my grandma's dishes today and silver plate silverware.   I knew that I would feel better with the table more beautiful. 

I wrote something for my writing project that I think was a really strong page of writing.  It was a gift from God during the night when I couldn't sleep. 

Next week is an extra feast day and I'm going to go to PT to do a checkup & also to talk about just physical strengthening. I lost a lot of strength and such things because of my mental illness and memory loss.

When I have a PTSD trigger like this and I'm more aware of the continual mental illness I have, God is always breaking through. It's like brokenness lets the light in.  

I can understand more now how deeply grieved I was because of my cousin's husband's death.  And someone who was an uncle also died in Canada recently. I hadn't seen him in some time.  So a bunch of my Canadian Aunts and Uncles went to that funeral well, the rest of that family was with my cousin in Michigan.  Only my mom and her oldest sister immigrated to the States after immigrating to Canada both because of marriage.

I've been thinking of the generosity of God.  How I have that new cute Rose teapot it's made in England and to be honest it was not cheap.   But it's very well made. It's such a bright white porcelain and I trust that the people in England who made it were paid a living wage.  It's a real blessing to me to have that teapot especially because I bought it at Tea and Sympathy.  A place I love deeply. 

It's been very good to be at home.  I have a lot of inward mental struggles when I don't sleep at this level.  But yet I'm aware of God's mercy.  

I read this essay by Sarah Clarkson today. I highly recommend it.  I ordered two books because of it.

I pray that each of you is finding strength for your journey. Rest when you're weary and comfort when you're in pain or in anguish.  May God have mercy on us.

🫖 New Tea Pot 🫖 & dinner 👊

I'm not quite sleeping yet.  Second night, very little sleep.

Like my new teapot? I got it at tea and sympathy a while back. 

I really love it. 

I'm getting the house in order and hopefully later I can have a nap.  It's a beautiful, sunny day. I'm so glad for that.  

Yesterday for dinner I went and bought a really good burger (but not as good as my dad's. No one can top his!) and I had French Vanilla Ice Cream from Trader Joe's.

I am very thankful for everything.

May God have mercy on us.

Back Home in NJ from MI

 

My Husband wisely told me I needed to go home to my 

cousin's husband's funeral. 

It was beautiful, real and with grief in the hope of Christ's Ressurection. 

***

I am glad to be back home now.

My Husbnad had to stay behind but we texted and video chatted 

daily... 

***

I got to see my neice four times, 

my Grandma once,

my cousin three times and my parents daily. 

***

My mind was exploding by the end with so many various

ideas and also BIG emotions and grief work. 

***

My Mom gave me this small silver-plated bowl from my Oma.

***

I heard a really thoughtful sermon that mentioned that 

Christ, when feeding the thousands, that he Had 12 baskets left over:

fish and bread for each of the 12 disciples: 

i.e. Christ provided for His disciples as well, the workers feeding others

were also feed and provided for. 

***

Well, I am very glad to be back.

Grief is hard.  Loss, change and readjustments and facing life in light of loss

is exhausting work but God is with us and gives grace in the dark times

differently than in the happy times, 

I love what Jim Forest said in one of is book titles:

all is grace. 

***

May God have mercy on us all. 

Happy Moments on Tuesday

Happy Moments on Tuesday 

1. Swam 8 laps

2. Black Tea with milk 

3. Plum Tort and ice cream for breakfast 

4. My Husband and I enjoyed the same breakfast together 🥰

5. A rather dramatic moment was when when it suddenly started storming when we were walking back to take light rail home and I ran into a store! The thunder was so loud and it was suddenly driving rain coming very fast! As suddenly as the storm came it left and the humidity which was like pea soup sticking to you was gone!

6. For lunch I grated the rest of the Gouda cheese over the pasta I had made yesterday and baked it in our toaster oven.  Our toaster oven fits a 9x13! That casserole I used was nearly that long but not that big. Anyway, it was delicious! And we baked up the very last of it for dinner! 

7. I continue to work on my writing project and a friend gave me some suggestions. 

Seeking Thanksgiving

1. Went swimming 

2. Looking at vintage cookbooks 

3. Trying a new eye doctor this Wednesday (I am severely myopic) 

4. Red glasses. One day I may have a pair of blue frames as well 

5. Caffeinated tea with milk.  Was given this new tea by Harney & Sons.  The description sounded incredible. However, it feels like a tea that's very similar to Harney & Sons Victorian London Fog. So I don't know that I will buy this one again.  I'm very picky about my teas.  However, I still enjoyed it.

6.  I boiled noodles, cooked frozen broccoli according to directions. I.E half cup water and cook for 5 minutes. I forgot the timer had turned off and cooked both longer with no problems. I added chicken. I had a chicken gravy about just under one cup. Added some milk to it. Grated some Gouda cheese and basically made a chicken gravy Alfredo sauce.  I added the cut chicken to it stirred it around, turned off the heat and covered it.  And easy meal. 👊

7. Seven plum tort. I always forget that the batter will really cover the entire bottom of my largest cake pan with the removable bottom! I mean I don't forget in the way of not using it, but that I can't believe it'll work and it always does! I should have baked it longer, note to self... 

8. Easy meals for tomorrow 

9. I wish I had gone walking, but sometimes one can't do everything, it's just too hard.  Even though the weather was perfect and tomorrow is back to thunderstorms but I will DV be out on Wednesday...

10. But I am trying to grow and I did work on my writing project throughout the day... 

11. I am dreaming of baking a new sweet bread, based on a vintage recipes but with changes...