Saturday Morning ~ Saturday Evening

It's Seven Thirty AM right now.  The sun is rising, I can see sunshine hitting the bottom of the clouds and a deeper yellow is below the lighter blue sky.  My windows are horribly dirty though and some of this is from the outside.  We are two floors above ground level and as horrible as this may be, we've never had the windows washed on the outside.  It would require high ladders or worse (scaffolding) and we've never looked into it. 

I hear birds chirping and trilling; I see the bare branches of the tree to the right of our building (from where I am looking, which is facing towards the road and away from our building if you were standing outside).  

I've made a quick tea that I steeped for a briefer amount of time than the seven minutes suggested because it has immunity support but also licorice and I know what that can do to me: wire me into a manic state that is so painful that I threw my licorice supplement from a ND away years ago when I had mono.  It was horrible.  Not every medicine or supplement is for every person. I had mono at the time so I was very sick and deeply exhausted but that supplement kept me up.  Of course I think I was taking Prednisone too and had no idea at the time what that means or if you stop taking it that you can put your body in shock.  No.  I would NEVER do such a thing.  Live and learn.  Of course NOW I would NEVER take any sort of medicine like that.  I had no idea what was happening to me in January 2023.  I will never, please God, NEVER take steriods again.  Since it contributed to geave mental illness and deeply traumatic memory loss and Complex PTSD.  

The sun rose higher and was suddenly blinding my eyes.  I pulled the blind down.  It's so beautiful, the early sunshine.  I can't wait to walk in the early sunshine in the park.  But there are some renovations going on and I am a bit worried about what I will find (dirt, desecration of all I knew the park to be) but for now, I will just dream of it, those beautiful walks I had... 

So the literary magazine I subscribed to, they were not kidding -- this is not at all a strict one way thing with a few Christian authors or something like that.  No, this magazine is very committed to literature and one of the essays was about various world religions and how each faith impacted the poetry of that culture.  And there was an amazing essay about an Indian (from India to be clear) novelist who published a novel that is very popular in literary circles, so I am learning.  It's Kiran Desai's 2025 novel, The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny and the essay on it shows me that it is a really complex book that shows a lot about the lives of those from India who come to North America... it's fascinating... Portico has a good beginning, with many cultures and voices and some really good writing.  

I missed about a month of writing my new thanksgiving journal.

Trying to get back into it. 

These books need no explanation LOL.  

I am realizing how physically depleted I am. 

I read High Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron when 

it was fairly new; maybe 4 years old. 

***

My memory loss and subsequent PTSD has meant that I had to relearn 

a lot of things, including self-care.  

And so many things were new, like that level of insomnia;

I never had that before.  

So figuring that out and what it means for me physically, 

i.e. significant physical depletion, 

was something that I am, to be honest, just beginning to

really understand now. 

I had some real rest time this afternoon.

A bath with this calming beautiful music: 

Max Richter - The Consolations of Philosophy

I had it on repeat. 

(I linked to the video because I am writing on my chromebook,

I often blog on my phone which has different capabilities) 

I got the official blessing from my Confessor to have a very light

rest of the fast.  Because I have been so sick since October through now

and I need to try to get better.

Sure, I get sick sometimes, like anyone. 

But never like this.

***

Well, it was so good to be at vespers.

And the morning time sunshine was so beautiful.

***

I really want to return to life as a more whole person. 

I have come a long way, it's been 3 years but I have more to go.

We all do.  But God is with us in it.

***

May God have mercy on us! 

wouldn't you know...

After lunch I suddenly felt like I was coming down with a cold and by evening I had used pretty much one box of Kleenex! 🤧😳

I've been drinking lots of fluids and while I tried to rest and did rest different times sometimes I'm just not able to. But I got dishes done. Going into the weekend with a clean counter other than the things that couldn't go in the dishwasher is a huge relief. 

I feel like coming to the end of this week and to the weekend is a great relief. It wasn't the easiest week. 

I'm amazed at how different the book Village School by Miss Reed is compared to Thrush Green! 

Even though I've read them before, I don't have the best memory at baseline! 

Well I'm very happy that it's evening.  My husband is home and he got a haircut in time for Pascha! 

It's hard to believe that Holy week is in just 2 weeks! May God have mercy on us. 

Friday morning sunshine, words & exhaustion

This morning I woke and felt it would be one of those days that are difficult.  So I was very heartened to see the sunshine early in the morning.  The way it lit up the beautiful lamp that was Larissa's, and the fabric flowers next to it, was beautiful.  

I looked out the windows and felt so strongly that I just desired to go out and walk. In a way, that's good because I was struggling months ago with the struggle; probably familiar to many or at least to myself?! That is of knowing you need to exercise and do walks, but feeling that it's an exercise not in futility but almost; certainly an exercise that you don't see immediate results from.  Or that you can forget what the actual results are.  

So I have subscribed to the new literary magazine Portico.  

I barely ever read the news. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that. I'm one of people that knows the least about that sort of thing. Because I find it overwhelming. And because I can't always read bitter tragedy.  

So I read about the news in the state of the world at a slant.  I used to find out about things through Instagram.  But I've been off that for some months now.  Sometimes I go on for a little bit via my Chromebook like I did on Monday.  But in general I avoid it (Instagram) because it was taking up too much headspace and was sucking me in because of how it's changed itself.  It's no longer a place where you can just meet friends and share pictures. Instead. It's a social media vortex that's trying so hard to get your attention by any sort of eye candy they can. So I had to give it up. I was getting way too addicted. 

And I need to fill my mind with different things. I need to stretch and grow.  So I read an article from the literary magazine that I just mentioned. 

It was about a science fiction writer from England. That's not a genre I read much of. But I sometimes enjoy reading about things. Which is what I guess a literary journal often is. It's writing about an author or a book.  It's not the author speaking to you directly and it's not you reading the book directly. It's reading someone's thoughts about both. And interesting intersection of things. 

And it will tell me about authors who I will probably never actually read directly. The following one is one of them.  I'm really glad that I read the article and I think his books have merit.  But I also know that I can't read everything and right now I can't handle reading dystopian things.  But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate what another author thinks of this author.  

I guess it's kind of like reading an encyclopedia. You learn a lot about a lot of things and some people I know actually love just reading encyclopedias. I think for me literary journals are going to be like that. Some books that I read about I will actually pick up and read but other times I will just be learning and listening. 

Anyway, these two sentences really caught my attention: 

They're about science fiction writer J. G. Ballard (Note, many of my readers will not want to read that link about him because he's a very provocative and arguably could be seen (very understandably) as perverse / obscene writer! 🧐😳 The F word is used in one of his story titles)........ So, the article I read, and am quoting two things from below, is here.  It's interesting that he is impacting culture in noticeable ways in music and even from a Met Gala and beyond his death.  

These two quotes from the article I read I really liked ---- 

"By the time Ballard published his first two novels..... he had deliberately chosen a niche for himself that marked him as a literary anomaly."

"It is the highest compliment I can pay J. G. Ballard—the sage of Shepperton—that, in my final analysis, he stands tall among poets and prophets as the last Englishman unafraid both to love his country and to despair at what it had become."

 

That last sentence is the end of the article. I was very impressed by it. 

I don't know if I'll ever read a lot of dystopian fiction, but I'm very interested in how popular dystopia is. I had an interesting conversation with a librarian a few months ago about the topic of dystopian novels. And she mentioned how she feels now that the world is that way. That's something I'm very interested in. 

Something that's more difficult to answer is the fact that many novels that have true literary quality are novels I simply don't want to read.  I tried twice in the last month to read where the crawdads sing .... The first page of that novel is incredibly well written. I already looked up the Wikipedia page on it and know the plot. But I don't know if I'll be able to read it. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Or it's at least the wrong time for it to work.

Very different from the Miss Read books that everyone here knows that I love!

But reading literary journals themselves is something that I think I need to do a little of. I say a little of because there's a lot of them. And I would find it overwhelming to try to read all of them.  

I found it really interesting that this author that I'm not going to read but enjoyed reading about created a niche for himself that meant he was an anomaly. 

That's one of the things I'm also very interested in. That feeling of being an anomaly.  

Of being different and not being able to fit in either many groups of people or even in someone's perception of who they think one is.  

My friend N sends these out by email.... This one is so beautiful!

I realized my icons on this buffet had gotten really dusty again when I saw the sunshine on them like that.  Perhaps you can see the dust that was on them as well? They've since been dusted! 

I am slowly "processing" (to use my orthopedics doctor's verb) out of the boot into the foot brace.  My orthopedist explained that if you use the walking boot longer than you need, you can create a situation where you're going to need more PT. That makes total sense.  So I use the brace for about an hour and I was up in about a lot. But then I started hurting, switched back to the boot and went to the couch.  But I know I need to eventually only use the brace and then not use anything and get used to walking unsupported. But I need PT at the same time to do that. Because I need to strengthen the muscles that need the support.  As in the muscles need to be stronger so they can be the support. 

I'm listening to this song again today. 

I'm finding the strings part of it to be something that moves one forward and has an amount of consolation within it.  But not everyone is going to like this music!

I'm in my seventh week of being basically housebound. I've gone to church on weekends (after the first two weeks or so when I was very sick with bronchitis) and every other week to the doctor on a Wednesday.  Other than that I'm just home.  And then I can't go outside for a walk. I was doing that briefly but obviously I got worse and had to stop.  It gets hard after a while emotionally.  This week I really struggled with some discouragement because of suddenly having to go backwards into the walking boot again.  I'm using the brace most of the day now. I use the walking boot a little when I needed it.  

So there are some days that I feel that I'm just at the end of my tether. Other days I'm much better. But that is life isn't it?!

It feels like the walking boot is like if you were just learning to walk from crawling as a toddler and crawling feels safe and comfortable and walking is a whole new thing. You have to use your body in a new way and you can fall and it can feel less safe. It takes time to adjust. Leaving the walking boot after having the pain I had on Sunday night is a little like that.  (Except that the walking boot causes the rest of your body to be out of alignment, which isn't exactly the toddler's experience of crawling! But the concept of feeling safe in the walking boot is the same).

Well. I'm eating lunch right now. I'm very glad that it's a sunny day.  I slept better but I slept very poorly the night before.  

I'm very tired so I will end this post now.  May God have mercy on us.

Thursday ~ struggle & progress

This is an old picture from at least 3 years ago.  But it's a good reminder of things I love to do.  This tea was not that hard to make.  I cut up bread and used Hawaiian little rolls.  And then my cranberry muffins and some strawberries.  But doesn't it look lovely?  I could use some loveliness!!! 

Below is a screenshot of an essay I read which I will link to below.

This sentence in particular I really loved: 

"Harriet Monroe strikes a morose note when she complains in the first issue of Poetry (1912) that “poetry alone, of all the fine arts, has been left to shift for herself in a world unaware of its immediate and desperate need of her.” 

You can find the entire article HERE. 

This new literary magazine is worth supporting and my husband and I plan on doing so with a subscription.  

It's called Portico Quarterly.  And it's blurb about itself is as follows: 

"Politics rules the pages of many prestigious literary publications. Not at Portico. Each issue features essays and reviews on a variety of artistic and literary topics, a short story, and poems by some of today’s best writers. We take faith and tradition seriously and aim to return art and literature to their proper places in our lives and culture. Subscribe today!"

The article I linked to is from here and the author of this substack is the one who is spearheading Portico. 

In a lot of ways, I'm unfamiliar with the world of literary journals at this point.  But this one seems like a good starting point and I've gotten this author's emails for years before it was a paid subscription.  

The reason I want to subscribe to this particular journal is because of the article I linked to. Because of the focus on literature without politics. Why? I do not love politics. Of any stripe. Partly because of my brain. Because I can see many sides of every issue and whoever I'm talking to, I can usually see something good in it. This in some ways is very good, but in other ways it's very tricky.  Anyway.  

This article linked to this other literary magazine which is pretty new. What I found interesting about it is that they also don't want sides.  And I like that. It works with my brain and with how I wish the world would be more like. Not polarized. But able to dialogue. To be able to be respectful of others who come from very different viewpoints. Not that I'm perfect at doing that, but I do think it's a very good skill to have. This magazine says this about itself: 

"The Point adheres to no specific political or social agenda; instead, we ask our readers to participate in a dialogue between diverse intellectual traditions, personalities and points of view. The goal is a society where the examined life is not an abstract ideal but an everyday practice" from HERE.  

I'm not planning on getting a subscription to this one because there's a limit to such things in my world. I found out about this one through the author of the substack who spearheaded Portico. 

So that's something to look forward to!  Meanwhile, here is a very Monday in picture of my dinner.  I had a green smoothie and soup with carrots earlier so I did get some vegetables today! Other than french fries which may be count as potatoes 🤣

I had ginger tea, decaf tea, hot chocolate and immunity keto water keto vitals which is a powder. That does not have sugar! The mundane and the poetic together.  

Everyone has many sides to themselves, which is something fascinating about humans...... I listen to lots of calming music, but I actually listen to lots of types of music. And one of the most surprising is that I listen to Transformer soundtracks on YouTube 🤣🥳 I'm proud of it and have no regrets because this music has really helped me. 

Today I found this one: 

Transformers | EPIC MUSIC MIX.  

Believe it or not, I hope to watch some of these movies with my godsons one day. We talked about it when I had them over for Christmas party in January! I know the many sides of Elizabeth 🤣🥰👋🤔🧐🤨🙃

Wait till you see my writing project one day God willing! Then you'll be very surprised. 

Well, the good news is my ankle is doing much better today. I was able to do laundry and carry a laundry basket. Not that my arms have ever been impeded but the weight of carrying things was difficult for my ankle.  Tomorrow God's the last day I will fully wear the walking boot.  

If things go as planned, God willing, I will have my first PT at the new/ old place on Tuesday. Long story why I couldn't begin with that one at first but I don't regret anything in this because I think it's just a process and a journey. 

I'm just remembering that I linked to an earlier transformers song mix. Anyway, I don't have time to change this blog post. It is as it is. 

Well I managed to do the dishwasher and I made dinner. I'm sore now but that's to be expected. You can't go from being on the couch for most of the time to being in a walking boot, which makes your gate incredibly uneven because the boot is a good 2 in taller than the sandal on your other foot and not expect some discomfort and even pain.  Obviously the pain I had Sunday night keeping me up for hours was way too much.  It's a hard balance. I was doing fine and then I wasn't. 

I discovered this song in a transformers YouTube video today as well. Our final hope is what it's called.  I liked it and I found it very moving.  It all depends on what's going on with in and without for music to work and match. It's about 1 minute in that I really like because it's a theme that I've heard in other pieces.

I've read a little bit of the fairacre book the first one but today has been a mixed day of activity, rest and other things.  

Tomorrow I look forward to a day of quiet. My husband worked from home today but will go in tomorrow.  

I'm really looking forward to walking soon.  

There's so much beauty, so much sorrow, and yet so much hope in the world.  May God have mercy on us. 

Wednesday ~ Good News & An Ace Bandage

Thank God the x-rays were good. I'm healing fine. Just overdid it. I am going to switch PT places.  My doctor advised that I use the boot until the weekend to get my foot a rest.  When needed, I'm using an Ace bandage.  After a few hours my leg was getting itchy from it! But it really did help. I can tell I'm healing in that way as well because when I had just fractured it it was so much pain. There was no way I could even have any bandage on it. 

I've needed a lot of sustenance and protein today!  I know I'm physically depleted because of the cough that returned last week and a little bit this week. 

I've been using this darling Honey pot with my breakfast and it's really comforting.  The honey and the cute bear 🥰🍯🧸

Today I struggled actually with patience a lot more! I've been in the house pretty much 6 and 1/2 weeks.  Yesterday I was enthusing happily but today was a little harder! No surprise there really.  That is life.  

It was definitely time for some serious vitamin CH for women as I like to call chocolate! Two mugs of hot chocolate plus a candy bar have been eaten today. 😳🤣. 

I remember when I was young and didn't understand things. Now I understand myself better. Actually. Let me explain how my brain can work.  I don't see difference the same or categories. I can definitely see them.  But I often don't see things like age or rank or Rich/poor as different.  I didn't know that when I was young I didn't start learning about that part of my brain until I was 47! Anyway, so here I am at the lovely Bible camp I worked at and I'm probably 18 or 19 years old.  And there was a woman there. A very lovely godly woman who was a mother of one of the campers.  Now I ran the canteen and I was given very strict instructions that I could only sell candy bars at the first canteen not at the nighttime one.  Well let's just say I refused to sell a candy bar to the mother at the evening canteen.  When the camp director's wife heard of this, she explained to me in no uncertain terms that you do not deny any mother of candy bar. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🙃😳 Now that I'm older, I would definitely hold by that. Never deny a woman chocolate. Unless you would like to be murdered. 🤣 I am joking. I hope you realize 😳 I do not advocate condone or approve of murder.  But you know Billy Graham's wife Ruth Bell Graham was asked once if she ever considered divorcing her husband. Her answer was no but I've considered murder.  Which I find to this day hysterical, something very funny.... ! 🤣🙃

Well today was one of those days for me. I wanted chocolate and I got it. Thank the Lord.  But actually sometimes I think it may be your body saying I need calories quick.  I was really fading and crashing bad.  The tuna fish on toast, the candy bar, the green smoothie, the mugs of tea, and the hot chocolate all work together to get me more stable.  So while I joke about it actually sometimes you just know what your body needs.  

When I had the bad ankle fracture in 2017, I knew right away that I needed a candy bar. It has something to do with calories, physical pain and shock.  I don't know how many Snicker bars I ate during that time, but our records show that we ordered two big boxes of them.  So I must have eaten at least 40. (This was over a few months). My doctor not the one I have now was convinced I had ruined myself. That I'd had too much sugar and for sure my blood sugar would be totally wacky and I would have damaged that part of my body that has to do with sugar and insulin I think. However, she was absolutely wrong. Not that I'm advocating unhealthy eating I'm not. And I have done that years ago and it took a while to lose a bit of that weight.  But there are circumstances where there is a need.  And that was one of them for me.   When I fractured my ankle this time I needed chocolate bars at the beginning. I remember that first night my husband dug up in Old diam bar which is a swedish candy bar. I had bought one at Ikea.  And that stabilized me. Basically I would feel really shaky because of the pain and shock I think. And having a bit of sugar/ candy bar is just what I needed.  I don't know the ins and outs of why. 

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better now.  I'm also very relieved that I didn't damage the bone.  It's easy for me to get discouraged when I've been housebound so long and then I suddenly was worse.  

So my doctor advised that I use the walking boot until the weekend. She said then just using an ace bandage would be fine. I don't even need the brace. She explained that if you use the walking boot too much, you can actually need more PT afterwards.  

I believe that!  I had to have a lot of PT in 2017 when I had the compound fracture in the ankle. That's now fractured but only a hairline fracture. 

Have I linked to this song before? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm listening to it while I write this blog post. 

 
Tomorrow is another day.  It'll be good to have some rest.  I'm so glad that I have the medical care that I have.  

May God have mercy on us.

About my Tuesday :)

This is a very messy looking picture LOL. 

This is actually taken with the 'selfie' mode of the camera,

because I wanted to be sure the candle by the 

Mother of God Joy of All Who Sorrow 

was still lit and I knew I could not get up to check! 

As you can see (back left) it was fine! 

Icing my poor ankle. 

It hurt again today :( I am trying to be really careful...

I got anxious about it and called the doctor's office, 

has anyone called me back, no.

I see my foot doctor tomorrow early afternoon.

Asking for prayers for wisdom for this. 

Another 'selfie check on candle picture' :)

This is the teapot set that I was talking about that I got with my Grandma.

It's the sweetest little tea pot, the sugar and creamer are newer.

the teapot is from Bavaria, the sugar and creamer I think are English.

The mirrored tray I love, esp. because I got it with my Grandma... 

hard to believe that it's like nearly 30 year ago now... 

"you know you are getting older when"

LOL. 

Granny Marigold, I can only imagine how much you would miss your Mom...

I am very greatful that I still have a lot of my family at this time in my life,

but I also know that things can change so quickly... 

The pink and white doily under the mirrored tray is one that my Oma, 

my Mom's Mom made... 

Mat Tatiana, Larissa's Mom, they died within just years of each other,

made this teacup! The Kleenex box and mirror were my Oma's and she

also made the doily. 

This cute delft teaset and other things we got an auction in Michgan some 

years back now! We ennded up with three boxes of things!

A real blessing because Delft is expensive and beautiful if bought new! 

I love this little display area, it's two small buffets next to each other! 

Our now retired former local Matuska gave me this star lamp for Christmas years ago... 

I had always wanted one! 

leftover fish for lunch! 

My 'wheelie' table that I can move easily, it's been such a blessing!

My tea tin with pens. 

***

So I started having pain at the ankle fracture site again :( 

So glad I am going back to the doctor tomorrow!

I hope I get an x-ray, because I would like the reassurance...

it does not look terrible to me but I don't like this pain that has been 

reoccuring... I was struggling with anxiety about it, to be honest...

for a few reasons... I am praying about them...

it's such a blessing that I have supportive family, freinds and also 

the love and care of God...

***

This Lent is all about Healing, Time and Patience...

***

I love this lamp, called Larissa, that I bought just weeks before I lost

my memory... it's so beautiful... and I love the lights I have on this 

bookshelf as well...

***

I am listening to one of my calming songs (the new one that I linked to a few times)

on my light pink headphones, so I don't bother my beloved Mr. Husband,

as we are getting ready for bed now.

***

I wrote some more on my writing project!

I have 8 documents on the go on this part of the writing project now.

That feels really good!

***

So finished Christmas at Thrush Green... it was a perfect ending...

so lovely... I started the first Fairacre one (I've read all of them) but

I am having a hard time leaving the one village for the other...

all things come with time and patience... or at least many things...

***

Well, I hope I sleep tonight...

tomorrow is going to be a busy day...

groceries delivered in the morning,

early mid-afternoon PT appointment...

***

May God have mercy on us.