no easy answers

 

From earlier this morning. I have an unbloggable prayer request, not my story to tell.  I wish things were easier to discern, but sometimes there's just no easy answer.  Asking prayers. 🙏

Fruit and Nut Bread ~ a no knead bread {in memory of Mary}

This is for Greta who asked about my bread in my last post {who I am

happy to have as one of my blog friends while she does not have a blog, though

if she did, I would read it!). 

{recipe just below this part}

***

I am doing this in Memory of Mary who was my librarian at the 

public library in Fort Langley BC... she was so incredibly kind to me

when I was an undergratuate at TWU many many years ago.

She fed people not only with books from her library,

but listened, did not judge, was supportive, understanding...

when I left she had me and another friend over for lunch,

it's where I first experienced a Christmas Cracker (but ones not for Christmas)

I did not understand how precious she was until later, really,

I mean I experienced her love, support but I was so blessed,

I did not realize how dear it is and how blessed I was to have her in my life. 

When I first posted on Facebook a picture, during lockdown, 

of this bread that I had with my Husband in beautiful Sunshine, 

in the first month of lockdown and I remember Mary,

who was facebook friends with me,

commented and said something like 'well done or good job' and I could

just hear her voice (by this time she was on the East Coast of Canada)

and she just loved how beautiful my table was and the bread. 

Here's the post that I recorded what I wrote on Facebook over 5 years ago:

"This morning's breakfast was really special.

I wrote about it this morning, after breakfast, on social media...

"Happy sunshine filled post coming right up! I woke up realizing I had to get that bread (it was still rising in 2 covered bowls) in the oven for breakfast! So I did! The smell of fresh bread with dried cherries and pecans cannot be oversold :) I set the table with nice blue and white dishes, used my Grandma's silver-plate silverware, juiced a lemon and put in 2 mugs with boiling water and honey, got out cherry jam and my best vegan "butter". And then the bread was done, my Husband prayed for the meal and I sliced that steaming just out of the oven bread for breakfast and we sat down to a feast of fresh bread and mandarin oranges, steaming mugs of fresh lemon and honey and hot tea! I told my Husband that this breakfast, and on a sunny morning, reminded me of Narnia when Mrs Beaver makes a delicious breakfast for her guests. It was a wonderful start to the day and we have enough bread for 4 or 5 more meals!""

Above is a picture from this blog post that I took of my monitor and cropped ( :) ).

***

Mary's obituary said that later she ran a bed and breakfast ~ 

"Even in her 70s, she managed to harness the energy to start and run Comfort Cove,

 a very successful bed and breakfast on Cape Breton Island."  

Remembering her beautiful home, so classically British, so warm,

and such delicious food, well, I guess to me Heaven would include

such a place as she must have created in her seventies. 

***

The ingredients that I used, based on THIS recipe

6 cups all-purpose 

1 teaspoon yeast

3 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt

1 cup dried cherries

1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts

zest from two oranges (I have some frozen and just use what looks good)

3 cups water (I use spring water that I buy at the store, room temp)

This is what I did:

Put all dry ingredients together in order.

Forgot to mix dry ingredients LOL

Added the 3 cups water and mixed immediately,

creating a very soft pliable dough.

I was careful to get any dry flour from the bottom mixed in.

I covered it (the dough in the big bowl)

with two tea towels and then a big plate and left it. 

I made it last night before dinner,

about 5 PM or so.

I left it completely until a bit after 8 AM.

Then what you are supposed to do is

put flour on the board or pizza peel before putting the wet dough on.

I forgot LOL and did that afterwards 

I made a DOUBLE batch for 4 medium size loaves, that last

us about 2 or so meals each, because the bread 

does not cut even especially when it's warm out of the overn and

my beloved Husband thought that it was not baked through

when it was actually just that amazingly fresh and warm. 

He ate his with leftover clotted cream LOL 

I had peanut butter on one side, cherry jam on the other.

I was dreaming of making fried runny eggs for myself with it but that 

will have to wait until Monday's breakfast! 

Baked on 400 about 45 minutes. 

All loaves were done (they had the hollow tapping sound). 

It's an amazing recipe! 

The smell when it's baking of the cherries heating up can't be beat.

Craisins work well as well (dried cranberries) and I think raisins themselves

would also work just fine. 

It's always amazing and like you are having a bread from a nice bakery 

or fancy brunch with just made in house bread at a restaurant. 

***

So, to answer Greta's question, which is:

i've never tried raising bread overnight. do you think it works better?

all I know is that THIS recipe works by resting it for hours. 

Other breads have different methods. 

I have a few cookbooks just on breads...! 

but the bread I made consistently is this one because

it's so easy, that I can make it up quickly

and have it for breakfast warm the next day.

Washup is not too bad either, esp. if you wash up immediately.

what kind of bread are you making? 

This whole post answers Greta's second question. :)

***

Thanks to Elizabethd who is the inspiration for my recording this in the first place!

***

I have really had a lot of blessings from my blog over the years,

so many blog friends, from all over the world.

***

I am thankful!

***

PS: 

Here is what I wrote years ago:

First, so I don't forget, Elizabethd, the bread I baked is from this recipe

and I think the first time I posted it was here. 

I basically look at the ingredient list

.....to quote directly it is this:

6 cups all-purpose or pastry flour

1 teaspoon yeast

3 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt

1 cup dried cranberries (sweetened or not)

1 cup sliced or slivered almonds

zest from two oranges

3 cups water (the water does not have to be warm)

(again this is from here, I can't claim this wonderful recipe as my own!)

The only change I make is that I always use spring water and I add the yeast to the

water before I add it to the batter.

Everything, save the water and yeast,

I add first, mix together and then add the water with yeast. 

The water I use straight from the jug of spring water that I buy

from the grocery store, room temperature. 

I mix it by hand because I like to do so.  Last time I accidentally missed

a bit of the flour at the very bottom, but it really did not matter

as it stuck to the bottom and was not part of the dough that rose.

The neat thing about this recipe is you mix the dough as described,

cover it (I personally use two clean tea towels that I only use for bread)

and leave it.  And leave it for hours.  I actually make it one day and put it aside,

covered, and bake it the next day.

It will rise a lot, I find, and is very/fairly wet but easy to deal with.

The day I bake it I grab half of it and put it on a floured pizza peel and 

then use that to put it in the oven, I use a pizza stone; 

I of course preheat the oven to 400F with the stone in it already. 

NO kneading is needed at anytime!!! 

Then I put the second half and did it on a second pizza stone, preheated 

according to my toaster oven's manual instructions for bread. 

The one in the main oven I did for less than 40 minutes - but I think over 30.

Once it taps 'hollow' on the bottom and has some colour, I call it done!

With dried fruit (I use dried cherries and pecans or, like last time, 

craisins, walnuts and sunflower seeds, which was a mix that I got pre-made

and I merely put 2 cups of it in with the dry ingredients as listed in the recipe, etc.)

It's great toasted lightly and lovely with a nice fruit jam/preserve.

Cherry jam or apricot or a nice berry like raspberry or blackberry. 

Of course when it is still warm out of the oven, butter that melts and then

a jam is quite lovely!

bread for tomorrow

I am hoping my new phone can post pictures properly here! Bread rising over night God willing for baking tomorrow! 

Thursday: you would never believe how much smoke can come from a very small mince pie

 No pictures because: NO PHONE. 

***

OK. So here I am, at home, thinking of a million things,

was in the tail end of my Agatha Christie book,

but also having fun looking up some physics things because

I like nerdy things and am researching lots of various disciplines for my novel. 

So I was having tea and decided to have a minced pie from my favourite tea place

that I froze back in 2022 before Every Thing That Happened, 

Happened. 

I was also using the microwave for a timer for my tea that was steeping in my teapot.

Somehow I got confused with 'time cook' and 'power level' and the next thing I knew,

I was reading at my computer,

was the smoke dectectors all went off at once, 

BEEP BEEP BEEP and I saw SMOKE everywhere suddenly on the ceiling

and the microwave was beeping from the timer

and I opened it to smoke billowing out and my little tiny mince pie

was on FIRE.  There was a flame of something!

I grabbed a glass of water, swooshed it on top and smoke was still everwhere

and I opened windows, the whole living space was smokey

and turned the air purifier on high 

and other than the fact that the raisins in the mince pie were huge 

and the pie was about 4x the 

normal height, you could see nothing wrong, 

other than it being in a puddle of water in the bowl.

So THAT was a bit STRESSFUL!!!

****

I felt really stupid too, having no idea what I did wrong.

***

I figured it out, I think -- 

my guess is somehow I put 730 minutes instead of doing what I thought I was doing

which was power level 7 for 30 seconds forgetting that on this 

microwave time cook is first. 

I think I got confused because the timer was also on?

***

So later, windows still open, I went out to eat and then back 

and closed windows at Husband's request

and then ate some chicken soup

and then went to my local library.

***

Where I kept reading up on Physics and having lots of fun with the VOCAB. 

I was laughing all the way home, but, because it's research for my 

writing project, I am keeping it strictly to myself! 

Husband not included of course, I chatted him about it quite quickly.

***

Well, if all goes well my new phone comes MONDAY.

***

Meanwhile I am reading books and my Husband is soon to be home and I better 

look at dishes... 

***

and clean the table, I am such a clutter-bug it's ridiculous... 

***

It STILL smells smoky in here. 

Thank God that I had my Husband's office room, our chapel 

and bedroom doors closed so that the

smell is confined to the living/dining/kitchen 

AKA the part of the house I am in the most.

Well, thank God it was not worse!

***

And that's my story for today... 

Monday: New York Tuesday: My Phone Dies Wednesday: I Buy a New Phone

 

My dear Sister-Friend of decades sent me the above today

(it was sent to her).

It's amazing what sunshine and one large beautiful flame-orange tree can do

in the midst of many city buildings and streets! 

***

This small park was beautiful as always ~ stunning colours... 

Well hello!

On Monday,

I had a lovely scone with clotted cream and jam;

the other, as is my cozy usual, 

I brought home to my beloved Mr. Husband

who enjoyed it quite a lot with 

the extra jam and cream they packed for me with it! 

***

So Tuesday my phone died.

Because I am waiting to see if the Manufacture of my

Recently Departed Phone

will do anything whatsoever,

I am not saying more than that. 

Later, I may say more. 

***

Today my Husband and I took a walk around our small area

and that was really nice.

I think one of the things I value the most is just

what is cozy and as I am healing,

cozy is getting easier, 

may this long continue!

***

It's been hard without my phone.

Like I am not going anywhere because I don't have one.

It's the strangest thing,

sad in many ways because I used to go all over

town without a thought of needing a phone,

but times have changed,

I have changed,

we have changed I think

and there's no way I am going to NYC without a phone.

It simply does not feel safe.

This is a loss but also, well, 

it's just how it is.

***

I recently read Listening Valley by DE Stevenson

and I was struck this time at how

much she was giving a picture of how everyone was feeling then;

the book was written during the war and before the war was won

(WWII that is) and the description of the first horrible bombing of London

is so real, I wonder if she actually was there... 

But also I am struck with how she was seeking to give 

strength and comfort to her readers in the midst,

esp those in the UK, some of the hardest times of their lives.

It is amazing that a writer can give such courage, 

comfort and strength... 

***

This novel is one of my all time favourites. 

What novels do you love?

***

Well.  By Friday or Monday I will have my new phone,

God willing.  Because of the rather sad abrupt death of my phone,

only 3 years old at that, I felt (after much research) that I had to switch

phone brands and to be honest, it was not at all what I wanted to do

as I have always been quite happy with my phone system via the brand of phone

I had been using for years.

But this situation was enough that 

1. my phone certainly died

2. thus I have no phone

3. I don't want to risk losing a phone to a spectacular unexpected phone death 

4. Thus unless my phone's company responds quite quickly,

it's over between us and that is rather a disappointment.

to say it in an understated way. 

***

SO.  I am re-reading A Murder is Annnounced by Agatha Christie 

and am enjoying it quite a lot. 

What IS it about her (Agatha Christie) that her fiction is so calming?

Well. So it is.

I am greatful.

***

I will also be VERY happy to have a phone again.

It feels good at least to be able to blog here about it.

***

I have a LOT to be VERY thankful about! 

Brief Hello

 

Well. 

I am not sure what to say here.

So I think I will say this:

I am waiting.  

Healing has happened but I am still waiting to know 

what to think about what I don't know.

It's like years ago when I was in the middle of an unbloggable

situation and had no idea how it would turn out and

I wished so much I could turn the page

and be out of that situation.

Which, in time, resolved into something good,

and we were no longer in that specific time of trouble. 

***

Life, it changes, but yet, repeats itself. 

Something I used to do well was rest

 

After lunch I felt quite tired.

And so I rested.

Then I took stock of the situation.

Which is this.

I am still dealing with a respiratory infection and I want to avoid

antibotics since I am allergic and they cause a rash.

Well.  God wants me to be at peace, have faith and trust

and this is a gentle way to learn it.

Think of all the dire things that could be happening to me,

this is quite a different situaiton. 

So I decided to do what I used to be very good at, 

which was resting when I was ill. 

Various reasons I fell out of the habit.

My Husband for one, and being a wife and having

things to do, but also a love I have myself of being busy and

having things to do.

And so, I need to step back and have faith.

***

For the rest of the week, I am going to try to really

treat myself as if I am sick; 

I am going to try only sick peron's hot ginger tea and

other teas, am going to have soup and try to rest

physically, mentally and spiritually.

***

I am still going to make meals on days my Husband is home,

that will not be difficult with rest, since

I have been doing it without.

***

If I am better than I am now by the end of the week,

then the rest will have done it's job.

If not, then I will go to see a doctor, mine if possible.

And if I have to take antibiotics then I am just going to trust God about it.

***

I have a lot of post nasal drip and congestion but have been 

about to keep a serious infection at bay.

So we shall see.

I don't really know what we got in the first place,

but I know that I have times that I get so physically depleted and that's when

I get sick but also when things can get from bad to worse quickly.

But I am determined to try to mend that.

Anyway, 

it feels good to write about it.

***

I have so much to be thankful for.

It is very rare that a person today can just decide to rest like I am

and I know that; I remember my working days;

or when things were quite difficult for me and I did not know

if I would run out of money or not.

I did actually but God provided and then God gave me a job

and then more work and then more work and by this time

I was dating my Husband and God gave me work until a month before my wedding and I could

have worked even more, but I was moving from Canada to the States and with the wedding and 

everything, I ended work on my terms and it was a true blessing until the end. 

***

I had a lot of adjustments to make after I was married;

I was homesick for Ottawa, especially in the first months

when I was a bit lost at sea, and then got mono;

even then, I was learning that I had to rest.

***

I am just so blessed that I can do it.

Not everyone is in such a position.

I have much to be thankful for!

Small Steps ~ A Simple Chicken Pasta

 

Last night, with chicken breast leftovers from church,

I made a simple Pasta sauce with 

1 large can tomatoes, 2 cloves minced garlic and some dried oregano. 

Chicken breast cut in half, 

with Cabot's white cheddar cheese shredded and melted on top.

For lunch I did it in the toast oven,

adding the cheese in the last 7 of 16 minutes of baking time

(325/350F, I made it hotter at the end). 

I thought the picture of the tree, above,

with the one post at that angle, 

made it look like this darling little tree was 

on walk with two hiking sticks, one bent and ready to go

and the other still, as if the tree has stopped for a minute to look 

into the distance before continuing the hike. 

***

I managed to work on my project this morning,

did my morning rountines, dishes, had breakfast,

made lunch... 

***

May God have mercy on us.

I love the concept of a lot of little steps towards where

we went to go is how it's done. 

***

May God help us.

Circles ... of Healing and Grief

 

I took another walk.

On this one path is trees with no leaves,

trees with golden orange leaves

and trees still with green leaves. 

I really like the little tree with the flame 

coloured leaves. 

I found myself thinking, 

we all have our own time and timeline,

there is just not one time for everyone.

***

Well, I am just trying to do 

my new basic routine...

***

Less than a week in!

***

I did a little bit of work on my writing project.

I revisited some writing that had to do with my 

memory loss and such,

but it was too painful to read.

So my heart is still tender from it.

And I am having to come to terms with 

how sick I was, not only with fear and PTSD

but just not well spiritually or, I don't know how to say it,

it's like all my weaknesses were grievously 

conflated into a mess of a person 

and that person was me and is me. 

I can't talk about it of course,

but I feel like it's OK to just say in this public space

of my small blog, 

that we can go through deep painful waters 

and it takes time to find land again.

That life can have real sorrow for how unwell one was,

and a growing wish to become well and that

it takes a long time but we must never give up,

because God, in His deep love and mercy, 

never gives up on us. 

***

I guess part of becoming more well is that one

grieves for how unwell one was

and for all that one still sees within oneself

that needs healing.

***

Well, I could not do much on my writing project,

but I did something at least.

***

I have, for a while, felt that the famous

Ladder to Heaven, 

that St John Climacus wrote on,

for me is like a spiral,

circles, 

that we go up and down in but somehow 

the circles are joined and can slowly

go towards Heaven, which means

we slowly become closer to Christ and 

who Christ wants us to be. 

But to get there requires a lot of pain, a 

lot of struggle and grief.

But I see very much that Christ,

who is Perfect LOVE, 

is worth every single ounce of grief,

pain and it's better to see one's self as 

broken than to think oneself as someone

who can make it through life without God.

***

I remember my dear Camp Director's Wife, who died in 1998,

she was really my first spiritual mother, 

outside of my Mom and Grandmothers, 

who are that in a different way,

and she had cancer and I remember her saying,

she can't imagine surviving such trials without God's help.

***

Well, I have to start small, 

be deeply greatful for the healing I have now

and pray that God will deepen the healing into 

something stable within me.

That, I am afraid, will take longer than I wish,

however, I was very encouraged and must remember the idea

that small changes in one's life and routine can build into 

the change one really wants.

And really, Met. Kallistos Ware is right when he said,

I think in the book Inner Kingdom,

that what everyone really wants is one thing:

repentance. 

For that is how we come to Christ 

and Christ is the one, the Beloved,

who we all so desperately are looking for

and often do not realize it.

***

May God help us. 

God's mercy is everlasting,

may we seek Christ's mercy in all things. 

Another Day, Another Walk and Hope for Another Day

 

I managed a 2+ mile walk...

I am reading a book that I mentioned, 

Atomic Habits,

I like that he talks about small changes can produce

the bigger change you want to have.

It's giving me a tool for reflection,

now that I am getting much better, 

where do I go from here, sort of questions.

How do I go from point A (current life) to point B and beyond?

***

What does that even look like for my personal life?

I am making some changes, but they are so new,

I am not going to write about them...

but one I will mention just has to do with thoughts

basically from 

I know I have to do this but don't want to 

to 

I want to do what I know I have to do,

and get to this point:

I really want to do my life's path and obey God

to

Joy in obeying God, the joy of doing God's will.

I think this is a process and of course, since I believe in God,

I also think there are those who don't want me to get to that point

of joyful obedience and gladness of God's will for my life

but that's exactly what I need to go towards.

***

I know it's terrible that I have to get to that point instead of BEING at that 

point ... however, part of my reason for writing about it is that 

it will help me get back to it.

I think I had that joy before, not perfect but more than now,

when I had 3 years of illness, mistakes, confusion and such.

***

I need to learn to reorient my heart to thanksgiving.

***

And build things into my life that will help.

***

Maybe I can't have everything I wish in terms of a life

that just works as planned (LOL, that never happens it seems)

but maybe I can still have more of what I wish.

Which is stability of purpose, of mind, of will.

***

This song...

THE DEER'S CRY, RITA CONNOLLY SINGS AT POWERS COURT

this is really what it's all about...

***

One of the things that is happening is that I *am* more where

I wanted to be than before.

The constant internal pain and fear is not with me like it was.

The sense of just feeling like myself is more here.

I just need to keep going in that direction,

which is going to involved changes in my days but 

espeically changes in my heart, in my thoughts,

from feeling a despair and deep brokeness to 

more of a stability of purpose and hope,

and onwards...

***

Well, here's to the next day and the next minute,

cups of tea, hope in God, and thinking of how

I can continue to rebuild my life... 

***

ps: Greta, I know of the Catholic prayers of offering up one's 

suffering and I think it is beautiful. My Husband's father,

older than you are, also does a lot of prayer walks...

I am not sure how to describe mine but they have to do with prayer

but perhaps differnetly at this point in my life...