I read this in the Christmas time. That is in January for me. I looked back and I was blogging about it by January 25th. It's only March 24th now. So that's only 2 months ago. It's funny how it seems so much longer!
Tell me the dream again, I wrote about my disappointment and how I felt she misunderstood some things especially about my church. Some of that I actually never got to because I took down the one blog post I wrote. It struck me in a place that was more raw. In a place that was sad.
I realize now that somehow I thought this book would make me feel more included. That I would be welcomed into her world. And she as an author I don't think would ever want to do otherwise. But the fact is I didn't feel that welcome. Because I don't belong to her ethnic community or have her experience. And a big part of her healing was just to find people like herself.
What my bones know can actually give healing to others because they will find in her someone that understands what they went through.
Yes, I had sadness that she didn't know the love of God. But her book does show growth and healing. She did learn a lot. She learned not to do what had been done to her. And she gained in her ability to trust another person. Both of those are really huge wins for someone that went through what she did.
For me, one of the reasons it wasn't as helpful is because her trauma was so different than mine. I actually don't know anyone that went through what I did. I lost my memory because of the medicine I was on. You can read about that if you want back of my blog when it happened. Or when it was happening and I had no idea. I'm not going to go into it more at the moment.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is that not every book will help every person the same way. I think that was one of the hard things for me with the book Tell me the dream again; there were so many sections that I really loved in this book. But there was also real things that made me feel excluded and misunderstood. Very ironic since that's the topic she's talking about.
But maybe that's part of just being a human being. That not all of our experience can be understood by another person. But it can be understood by God perfectly, with great love.
But there are ways to do Bridges. I really like Bridges. That is trying to connect to a person who would either be hard to connect with or who the other person would think you couldn't connect with them.
Once I had a conversation many years ago when I was only Orthodox one year. So this is going back about 20 years. The person didn't think I would understand her. But she was brave and we went out for Indian food and I think she introduced me to it. Which was a great gift because to this day I love Indian food. But she was so surprised when I understood that what she was describing had to do with loneliness. And that I understood that very well. And while we may have been in different ways on a different trajectory of thought, that experience of loneliness was the same. And it was a loneliness in the same sort of situation but for different reasons. So she was really touched. And I began to learn that I could build Bridges with another person.
I think that's why the first book that I read in January that I mentioned in this post, was painful for me. I didn't feel that a bridge could be built towards me. Because of my mind and because of my own experience, I may not be able to understand hers as easily.
But I really learned a lot from that book by Tasha Jun and from Stephanie Foo's book.
I think the first book impacted me so strongly and made me sad because of my trauma was actually just the fact that one I endured it alone and shared it with no one; two, I had some great trauma regarding not being understood when I was in deep pain.
My therapist says that one of the core injuries of a person is not to be seen. For their pain to be ignored or to be totally misunderstood. So I think the first book hurt me that way because I wasn't expecting it.
I didn't think about the fact that her experience would be so different than mine and that her modes of healing and what she needed would be so different. I wasn't expected to feel excluded. And maybe she wouldn't really want to exclude me. But I can be very raw in that area because that's something I'm working on personally.
But I know I'm healing because I'm able to understand all of this. I'm not just left with the sadness or even the anger which is masking sadness about it. No, I'm able to write about it. I'm able to process it. I'm able to accept it. I'm able to be able to see what was going on for me. I'm able to accept that the book has great worth even though it couldn't hit all the buttons for me.
And part of it still makes me feel sad. Because I feel like there's a polarization that I don't know how to breach. It feels like when I was a child watching girls play games that I couldn't do because I didn't have the physical ability or coordination. Though I can walk and use all my limbs. So it feels like a group that I'm not welcome in. Because I'm not Asian. Because I'm white. Because I don't share their story the same way. So it makes me feel sad because I wanted to be included. I wanted to interact with them.
So obviously this can be a very touchy thing because it deals with the question of race and color. But maybe we need to ask these questions. And maybe it's okay to say I want it to be included and I didn't feel it.
But maybe we can still build Bridges. Maybe we can learn to listen to each other. That's one of the biggest things I want to learn. I can't solve another person's pain. But maybe I can understand it a little more.
Maybe I can accept a little more that the author from Korea has a deep wound that makes it hard for her to go beyond the group of people she's been given for her healing.
I think it all depends on what the person is ready for. Some wounds go so deep that it's very hard to trust. And that includes people on both sides. Actually, there's no sides of the race question. Because everyone is from a different family and different countries. Every Asian country, every African country, every country in general, has its own story and difference.
And I know the feeling and the act of excluding another isn't just about race itself. I know people generations ago in the Netherlands which is where my family is from. Didn't like people from another province in the same country. So the Netherlands is super small. So to me I don't really understand how you could not like someone from a neighboring province. That would be like saying that people within one of the United States states don't like people from another city within that state. I guess that can happen but it seems a bit silly to me.
But the point here that I'm making is that sometimes people fall into excluding others in very small little bubbles. There's a phrase somewhere about the battles can be so bitter because little fish bowl was so small. I'm not saying that exactly right but I'm trying to get at the meaning of the phrase that I can't quite remember.
Well I guess I would just end with both of these books have merit and I learned a lot from both of them.
And the second book that I just read but, not all of, and maybe one day I'll read it better, but it really does have a place.
It's a tragic fact that so many people today grow up in extremely broken homes and that abuse and neglect can be rampant.
A book that looks at that, shows it by her honesty, talks about complex PTSD and how learning about herself was really difficult because at times she felt like she was just a medical symptom, all that is valuable to understand.
But yes, this book would not be for everyone. It really can trigger people. I recently read a story online that I didn't expect to be as it was and it triggered me huge. Actually way more than the book by Stephanie Foo.
I understood that that story, which was a true story is one I can't be involved in. Some tragedies are not ones that you're called personally to be involved with in any way. And that's okay. You can just realize that that's way beyond your pay grade as it were and commend them to God and God's mercy.
I think both books can have benefit also for those who are called to the healing professions and want to understand certain things about how drama would impact people and what it looks like.
Anyway, I just wanted to record my thoughts here and share them.
It's still a good day for a good day and I'm doing my best to be ready for it. May God have mercy on us.
