Today's struggling towards the light

 

Last night I had a special time at a small chapel in NYC that I love dearly.  I was there alone, and light 5 candles. 

I am so much better than I was three years ago. 

But now I am trying to figure out how to get even better. 

How to rebuild a life that was destroyed in so many ways?  One thing I am trying to do is cook better. 

I have not baked or cooked that much in the last years.  It's very hard for me right now to go beyond the waves of sadness and grief and struggle that I am currently in.  I need to distract myself from it in ways that are right to do.

So Friday is a fish day.  I have a grocery order being delivered on Friday with some fish and ingredients for fish tacos.   I feel, to be honest, a bit apprehensive about trying something new.  I struggle at times with feeling like everything I try or do will fail.  

Tomorrow I go back to NYC for a routine errand.  

I had a good dinner.  I fried up two eggs for myself (even on fast days, I know I can't fast like some do), toast with peanat butter, salad and carrots.  It felt like an accomplishment and it tasted good.  that, right now, is a win. 

This is the recipe (above) for the fish tacos.  It's a Marion Cunningham recipe

and I have always liked what I have made by her.

So it really shows that I am struggling to doubt it.

I have not pan fried fish before.

I think that's the big question for me. 

We are going to have them with totilla chips.

update before I post: my friend A thought it looked good.

So that makes me feel better.  

I just have a lot of work to do on my end to 

keep building better habits....

***

I really liked this article on St Luke the Surgeon, 

esp that he struggles and that a lot of people find encouragement

in knowing that he struggled like we do. 

I also liked this part:

"Fr Vasily cautions against trying to reduce our relationship with God to a formula. Grace cannot be earned by enduring a certain amount of pain. Each person’s relationship with God is unique, and much remains hidden from us."  See HERE.

***

I know that God will help me and I am truly taking steps in the right 

direction.  And I am a lot better than I was three years ago.

It's easy for me to lose focus on the good. 

***

But I am trying to blog in an effort to stand and fight, as it were.

To keep rebuilding a life that is best for myself and my beloved Husband

AKA best friend. 

Who took me on a walk tonight, not quite a mile but better than nothing.

***

To that end, I must close this blog post!

May God have mercy on us and help us.

I know each one of us has sorrows and burdens and 

learning to have joy in sorrow is something that takes time.

Notes of Thanksgiving (written mostly on Tuesday)

~ in an effort to build better habits, I am trying to make note of things that I am thankful for. ~

One:

I went to the City (NYC) this morning.  The subway was so full, I had one hand on my cart and my left arm was spread as far as it could go to grab one of the subway polls to keep my balance.  I was surrounded by people.  Suddenly a lot of people to got off at one stop and another lady let me take the empty seat.  I thanked her for her kindness and nearly cried.  I got very little sleep last night.  So that seat was deeply appreciated.  I had been doing well on sleep but last night was rough. 

Two: 

I am doing my best to just show up and do some work.  

Three:  

I packed some leftover roast carrots and chicken tenders.  I had them outside, the air was a bit cold while I sat on a metal chair, in the sunshine.  I felt a bit strengthened.  There is a storytime going on in the room next to the one I am in, the room I often am in with the beautiful paintings.  I am hearing them singing 'itsy bitsy spider'.  And I rewrote a section of my epic writing project.  A few sentences, that I knew needed changing and I figured out how to change.  Words, carved over years now, since 2021. 

Four: 

I am home now.  I had a good talk with my Mom and also my Husband tonight and that was helpful for my goal setting.  Sometimes things happen that are difficult and the way through is not always clear.

I need to keep working on walking more.  My body needs it. 

God helping me, I hope to sleep better tonight 🙏

[I slept better thank God but was very exhausted today]

saying thank you when the days are not easy

I used to think if I had X or if ABC would line up that I would be happy.  That I would no longer worry.  As if certain things could create a life that didn't have struggle. 

I was younger then.  Now I know that it doesn't matter what you have or even how easy you have it, life has struggle.

It is a deeply beautiful day today.  The weather is comfortable. It's sunny. The trees are changing color and I'm surrounded by blue skies.

I have new goals to learn self-discipline.  

I need to learn better ways to handle times that are difficult.  Because life always has difficulties.   One of mine will be loneliness. I have known that for a long time I guess.  It's for many reasons.   

Yet, I'm surrounded by beauty.  And I must learn to handle things better.  I roasted a chicken today. It was not one of my better ones. 

I roasted carrots as well.  Just olive oil, salt and pepper.  I should do more for dinner.  I boiled eggs. I'm going to the city tomorrow.  I'm going to try to pack food for the day. 

One step and then another, as we try again to do things in a better way.  It shocks me at times to realize the state of things and how one is so weak and such need of Christ our Savior.

The One who is the source of all beauty.

love and justice: a story of a man whose great suffering gave way to beautiful redemption

Love & Justice: A Story of Triumph on Two Different Courts by Maya Moore Irons and Jonathan Irons.

Maya a basketball star.  Jonathan in prison for a crime he didn't commit.  Maya fights for Jonathan.  Jonathan endured and impressively learned how to fight the injustice in court.  Thank God he was freed.  

I struggled to read this one because so much of it was like reading stories of terrible imprisonments during the time of the Soviet Union. So much deep injustice and cruelty.  

It's hard to imagine the deep poverty that Jonathan endured as a child. The suffering he endured in prison for decades is something that was so awful, dehumanizing, and so full of darkness, a denial of the dignity and worth of every human being.  

But even though I was given the words to describe this, my words are deeply inadequate because they cannot show the sense of how this inexplicable suffering reduces one to silence. Especially when one has not endured anything like that.  

You can't read something like this without seeing first hand the inequality that persists in the States in both poverty and race. This book was in no way slanted.  It's so easy to misunderstand simple truths because of how political some issues have become.  

It is inspiring to see that deep suffering and injustice, with faith in Christ, can make a human being so beautiful in the midst of such awful, terrible circumstances.

Their love and commitment is beautiful, as is their faith in Christ. I loved the picture at the end of the book. They are such a beautiful family. I pray that they never lose their faith, it's a powerful and healing source of love.

A Special Early 10th Birthday

My Sister's Daughter, my niece, is turning ten later this year.  Mr Husband and I took a trip home.  One of the many things we did was having a special early birthday party.  I gave away my white tea set to the almost ten year old.

We are nearly 40 years apart.  It's rather sobering in many ways.

May God bless and protect this young lady, my Sister's Daughter and may God's mercy be with her all of her days.

a deliciously somewhat normal day

A quiet day, errands in New York City this morning.  Then home, dishes, folding laundry.  We split a delicious burger for dinner.  I am back in NYC tomorrow.  May God have mercy on us all.

Sunday Peace

a really nourishing dinner

After 3 years of illness, I'm finally able to have a nutritionist again. I actually talked with her 3 years ago almost exactly. But now I'm at a much better point of health and space within myself and I can put things more into action. 

Heirloom tomatoes. A little bit of croutons avocado, Caesar salad, dressing, spinach plus smoothies that I bought and then added yogurt to and chia seeds as my nutritionist suggested.  Plus some simple bread from a restaurant and cashews and I had delicious fish that was made at a store with tzatziki sauce. My nutritionist told me I need 2 days of fish a week. I'm really looking forward to seeing how a better diet can nourish my body and hopefully I won't get as depleted and sick as I have them. But I can only do my best and the rest is up to the Lord and His holy and mysterious and perfect will. 

May God have mercy on us.