Sunday, April 30, 2023

Sunday of the myrrh-bearing woman

Sunday. Met some lovely people after liturgy.  Saw our beloved Candledesk Man... he is very frail now. I saw him last in January.  He has been in and out of hospitals and places.  Brought with nothing, no pictures, no prayer book 🙏 nothing.  Well we were able to do a little about that.  But I never feel it is enough. 

Well.  Just a little bit ago we had a flash of lightning and thunder so near it was rather shocking!! 

I reread DE Stevenson Smoldering Fire. Quite the novel. 

I am worried about my rash. I hope to hear soon about the biopsy and then try to figure out what to do.

I am so grateful for novels. And I re-read the first 2 sections of my writing project and really liked it. I am so glad. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Saturday, April 29, 2023

perfect rainy day dinner

I had chicken and broccoli casserole in the freezer.... from when I made a lot of freezer meals in preparation for my foot surgery last October. 

It was the perfect thing for tonight, on a wet cold day. 

I took a short walk today.  It will take time to build up to where I was last summer. 

I am hoping for better...

Our new priest comes in early June. I am excited to meet him and his family. 

One of my tea-loving friends is in Scotland right now. So neat.  I dream of traveling again....

This is a gorgeous church in Bucharest Romania 🇷🇴..... From our 2019 trip...

It was such a gift! 

I did a bit more reading today, that was good! Trying to keep up with dishes that's ongoing!

I am really grateful for my Husband. I know that I am writing bits about my health crisis that I had earlier this year. It is hard to express how much my Husband did for me.  For over a week (or 2? Or more?) I was not eating much at all. For at least part of this I would not have eaten at all if it was not for him. I can remember being in some sort of haze, yellow maybe, where I would suddenly be given a glass of water and a voice would tell me to drink it. That was my Husband valiantly trying to keep me alive.  

I remember feeling, when I was better, like I had been resurrected from the dead! Not that I was near death but that losing your memory is like death because you don't know who you are, your past or your family and friends. God really saved me. 

I hope to keep rebuilding my life. 

I had a happy dream that on St Nicholas day I was healed/fully healed of my rash. I am trying to not worry about it but am very aware of it. 

Thankful that things are not so bad for me now. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏... there are so many suffering people in the world.... we all have it ... may God help us 🙏 ❤️

Friday, April 28, 2023

Beauty on a cloudy day and rainy evening

Thank God I was able to take a short walk today! I hope to keep going on that.

I was reading different emails Peter had sent me through the years. Some of the first were all job postings as I was a newly minted librarian! This is in 2006 when my blog was in its first year 😊

He was one of my very good friends. When I first heard of his death I felt like I had lost one of my very best friends 💔 

I am blessed to have had, especially in my adult life, many good friends over the years. 

Though when I was a kid I also had more family around so I really have been blessed. 

I talked with my Grandma and Mom today. My Grandma was excited because her sister-in-law had some teacups for me. 😊 

Did I mention this memory? About when I lost my memory and was recovering. I may have so forgive me for any repetition! I bought the pretty lamp (named LARISSA) for my Husband as he was going through a lot with my manic-predisone brain and my need for very dim lightning and such.  I think I had to have him either talk slowly or more quietly also.  And he was having a hard time in lots of ways, none of which he caused.  So I bought this beautiful lamp as a gift. I remember putting it together and needing his help. I was already getting sick with my memory loss but we didn't quite understand what was happening. 

When I saw the lamp it often reminded me that I had lost my memory (when I was going in and out of memory loss and memory regained) 💔 

Then when my memory was back, but I was still in a lot of shock, could barely believe it happened, I felt really ambivalent and a bit guilty about the lamp. Like it was wrong of me to have bought. 

I also went through a while where I felt that it was my fault that I was sick and lost my memory.

I am much better now! The lamp makes me happy.  It's the most expensive gift I have given my Husband (and it is in honour of one of my Husband's friends). It has 2 light bulbs switches that you pull down on 2 different strings. I find it fun to turn on and off.  It's pretty and I love how it reflects in the window when it is dark. 

So in simple ways I can see how much better I am. 

My rash on my forehead is still there. I can never tell if it is improving. In ways it is but it's moved around in about a 2 inch space. I welcome prayers 🙏 

I have not heard back regarding the biopsy I had of it to see if it is Sweets Syndrome.  I should know next week. 

May God have mercy on us all... 🙏 ❤️

Thursday, April 27, 2023

A novel and a walk

I read a novel 
I took a walk
I got to talk with our Candledesk Man today on the phone via the nurses station phone 😊😊😊😊

I have not talked to him since I saw him in January. 

He knew that I had been sick.  

He has had a lot of health challenges as well.... he is back in rehab on oxygen and it sounds like he is suffering with grace. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Wednesday, April 26, 2023

Progress and a memory of my recovery

Another walk today. A bit shorter of one but good.  I am feeling hungry it seems often but I wonder if some of that is missing Peter. 

I got more reading done.  This is not an easy book but rewarding because of it being a challenge. It feels a bit easier now that I am nearly done. 

A memory of the first days that I had my memory back: I was in a great deal of shock and escaped into DE Stevenson novels.... I remember that one of the only things that I got comfort from was meals, food.  It was like I was just holding on.  Even just talking to others was an effort. I think I was both very tired but also in great emotional shock and probably some depression. I remember feeling like I had very little to comfort me or look forward to.  For the first week or so I not only still felt really unwell physically but I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Even calling my Mom was an effort and she is someone I call daily! I am much better now.   

Taking walks, working on my writing project are both good positive things for me but also my effort to rebuild my life. 

I am so wishing for more of this. 

My rash changes a bit every day. It looks better in some ways.  Your prayers are helping me stay peaceful about it. 

Thank you 😊 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

The beauty of Spring

I took a long walk .... and did laundry and dishes... and read more of a book for my research project. 

I am so thankful 🙏 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Monday, April 24, 2023

A Victory

I was able to go to a talk tonight. I was so glad that I was able to go because I had been feeling really weary and uncertain that I could make it.

Last night I began researching for my writing project again. That was a relief.

I hope to do more tomorrow. 

So many things. Grieving Peter and praying for him.  Getting through what I need to understand to process my trauma of losing my memory. Hopefully I am making headway.  And my rash is actually possibly worse 😕. 

So tomorrow will include needed rest I think... 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Sunday, April 23, 2023

Thomas Sunday

Beautiful liturgy. Artos Bread blessed.

Beautiful trees 🌳 glistening with rain drops........

Much good..... but I am struggling a bit physically with exhaustion/feeling unwell. 

And so it goes...

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Saturday, April 22, 2023

just a quick second

It was really good to be at vespers 

Lots to pray for 🙏

So a week ago Holy Wednesday I noticed a small spot where I had the rash in January that the dermatologist thought (as I did) was Sweets Syndrome. Well the small spot grew. It's over an inch long now. I had a biopsy of it this past Wednesday. We want to confirm that it is Sweets (especially because of all I went through). I can't have prednisone again. I am really hoping something topical can help. I am trying not to worry or obess about it but it is hard. Especially because of how difficult the past months were. 

I will know more next week. 

It may be end of week and then going into the next week. 

Pray for us 🙏 and may God have mercy on us all ❤️

Thursday, April 20, 2023

Today would have been Peter's 76th Birthday

I got the calendar reminder today....

For Peter's birthday 🎂....

Whenever we visited and would take him out, I told him it was for his birthday 💕💔

I knew Peter for 17 years... he was still in his 50s then.  

Grief is hard....

I went to NYC ....

My doctor said I am still processing the last few months and the memories. This was one of the hardest times of my life. And my Husband's. 

I just pray that we are given some time of quiet, with peace and sunshine to heal....

Editing to add that my doctor said that the process I am in is similar to grief... that I am still figuring out what/how/when everything happened and that later I will be able accept it (after understanding) athen move on. I wish it was an easier process but it is as it is....

May God have mercy on us 🙏 all...

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

Peter: a dear friend: memory eternal!

My friend Peter died early on Holy Friday.  I cried a lot during the church services of Holy Friday and Holy Saturday.  

Today was his funeral. In Ottawa. I couldn't go.

I lit all my lampadas in the living room and prayed for Peter while the funeral was going on. 

May Peter's memory be eternal 🙏

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

Briefly here

Other than my tablecloths this is my Pascha decorating. At least this was done.

Bridegroom Matins tonight. 

My doctor thinks that I have a cold at this point not a sinus infection... praying that this stays true 🙏 I really don't want to get more unwell. 

Derealization is a word I learned today. I had *some* of that when I lost my memory. 

I think I was in a state of shock for at least a month! Including when I was really ill.

Well we have a lot of Holy Week yet 🙏 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Holy Monday and Tuesday

Bridegroom Matins 💙

I am still processing the last months. It was really scary a lot of the time. Parts of this apply:

So I am talking to my doctor remotely as I still have congestion and am scared of getting a sinus infection. 

It could be the same pattern that gave me the Sweets Syndrome and I must NOT have steroids ever again. 

No memory loss, please and thank you 🙏

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Friday, April 07, 2023

Lazarus Saturday


I was reminded of one of my favourite songs
that I sang along to again and again back in Ottawa
when I was working a difficult job... 
it really captures the cry of the heart and lament 
and then unexpected glorious hope. 
Really neat things at end of this blog post about
Lazarus' first and second tomb! 

I made it to liturgy this morning for the Annunciation. 

We had fish afterwards to celebrate. 
I still have some congestion in my ear area but
I hope I am getting better. 
It's hard to tell, as I have moments when I don't 
feel well and others that I feel fine. 
Wishing everyone a blessed Holy Week 
(or Holy Weekend for those on the Western Calendar). 
Soon we will all be together celebrating the life
changing news:
Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!
(Which reminds me of a story, I think in Romania, not sure,
during communist times when a professor was
going on about atheism being right and someone
asked to say just a little in refutation
and all he said was:
Christ is Risen
and the class answered Truly He is Risen
and the student sat back down...
(my Husband says that he remembers this story
that it was a Priest who said this after an
atheist pubic lecture but says this probably 
happened more than once, most people
in Orthodox countries, even if they don't 
go to church, know how to respond to
'Christ is Risen'... )

Tuesday, April 04, 2023

Drinking lots of hot tea

I seem to have a cold. 😔  well I mentioned that before but it is progressing/worsening. 

Prayer request is that I develop a sinus infection. 

I am trying to rest a lot. 

May God help us 🙏 

Sunday, April 02, 2023

Hope for better

Until tonight I still had my Christmas table runner on this buffet. My Husband helped out a bit!

It's a beautiful table runner 🌸

I stayed home from church (thankfully it was not our Palm Sunday) because I was struggling with a cold. I feel a bit better now. It's been waxing and waning. 

A bad head cold began all my troubles of this year. It still astounds me that I was so sick just a month ago.

May God have mercy on us and save us 🙏 ❤️🙏