Sunlight on Green May Leaves

 

Well.

Based on the fact that the x-ray report said no acute fractures

and no bone density problems, 

plus my own lived experience over the last weeks,

I realized this morning that I probably have arthritis in my left foot

because of the surgery two years ago and a reoccuring hammertoe issue.

I found an orthopedist and will make an appointment on Monday.

But I realized that the boot was hurting not helping me.

And the new shoes the other doctor wanted me to wear

were also hurting not helping.

***

I walked a mile today to the church picnic.

My foot is in no worse shape at all.

I still have a problem.

I will get that taken care of. 

But my foot is OK right now.

Not great.  I still got a problem

and some discomfort and stiffness.

But way better than wearing the boot,

being stuck at home on the couch

because the boot is heavy, awkward and 

creating misalignment of my whole body, esp. hips and knees. 

***

I hope to get answers, better shoes, maybe orthodic inserts as

needed.  But let me tell you, doing that walk was like Heaven.

I can't wait to do more walks. 

I would rather have pain than not walk

and not walking causes a lot of other problems, 

obviously. 

***

It's hard when you are told that you should listen to the 

"professionals" who don't help at all and 

you feel your own experience is denied and basically that

you are gaslit by others because how could I know more than a 

professional when it's actually my experience, my foot and I can 

know things too.

***

I know so many people and also parents of sick kids who

face this all the time, and much worse. 

***

Well, I can't wait to do that walk again.

To see the green trees.

To just have some happiness, some hope.

I am still struggling with that.

I have some things to work through.

When you go through unalterable loss and trauma,

you are never the same.

***

You just hope your suffering can help ease someone else's 

suffering because than the suffering is redeemed. 

***

I had the most beautiful voice message from a friend today

about God's love, praying to God and hoping in God. 

I hope to grow in that.  Sometimes you are so shattered that

trying to pick up the broken shards of one's life is a very long

painful process and one that takes way longer than one expects. 

***

Yet, I will sing of the faithfulness of God, 

the God of love,

the God who Created us,

and thought us beautiful, worth saving, 

worthing giving His only Son so we can be healed,

one day, completely, forever.