Not Again

I was just laid off my job.

They were very kind.

They are giving me great severance.

I had some real concerns about working there

and felt that they did not fully represent what

the job was.

So overall it is a good thing.

But boy, it is not fun.

I am now going to one of my best friend's for dinner

and will see my godbaby.

Of course I ask your prayers.

*

I also know that God is good and that He is taking care of me.

*

Just like He always has.

Home with a head cold

Ended up having

super bad insomnia

and came down with a head cold.

The change of weather can do this as well.

So lots of resting today.

*

I hope to go to work tomorrow as I don't have

a lot of sick days being less than 2 weeks into my new job.

*

I have a bit of contract work to do also,

which I am really happy about as I love the work

and it will go towards a plane ticket home

to see my sister and brother

later this year.

They've been in Romania 2 years now!

*

I will of course try to maintain a life/work balance.

*

I know I am in a bit of transition and so my blog

posts are bound to be at times

not as many

and at times a bit

up-and-down in emotion and feel.

Just have to ride the job newness and changes out...

*

Lots to pray for:

Noah

Sarah's Mother-in-law

Marfa's Priest-Dad,

and my struggling friend,

amidst many others...

*

May I take this moment to reaffirm that I appreciate each

and everyone of my blog readers;

my dear blog friends,

you've been upholding and blessing me for years.

Thank you.

fighting for thanksgiving

This has been a very tough week emotionally.

And I know that having too much time on my hands

and being alone a lot

is really hard on me.

Those of you who have children or a busy job

may think I am lucky

to have such quiet

and I guess I am in ways.

But right now I can't see it.

If you are working or have a family

you have people to talk to.

A reason to wake up in the morning.

Thank God I wake up to His mercies

new every morning.

Frankly my struggle is to stay up.

To not take short naps

that I do not need.

That is what I am fighting right now.

Emotional weariness.

Black thoughts.

I must FIGHT despair.

I am taking measures

that will help me.

Called my naturopath (she sees me at no cost currently)

so I can get advice.

Called a friend.

Got my list out of places I need to contact

to see if they can use my research services.

Need to contact job agencies.

I know that the only

happy ever after is heaven

and we must fight to be Christians

but thank God that God wants to save us

more than we want to be saved.

The prayer

Lord save me whether I will it or not

is key to our lives.

Education is not a sure-fire ticket to getting work.

I have a Masters degree.

I have worked in places that, in the world's eyes,

are prestigious.

But it does not equal a job.

All I know is that I asked God to save in

whatever means it took.

If this is what it takes for me

and God does and allows everything for our good

to save us

then I have to continue to learn to welcome the

uncertainty

the my money will run out by summers end

what do I do?

My word for the year is

thankfulness.

Thankfulness can save you

it can turn a bitter or despairing soul into

one of peace,

one capable of obtaining eternal joy

(as Fr. Alexander Schmemann has said)

Last November the week I called my

Thanksgiving week

(it was US thanksgiving that week)

I got the tax bill, a huge rash on my face

that I was told could be a

symptom of a life-altering or life-threatening disease.

(as far as I know it was not btw).

So thanksgiving may not keep

life's challenges at bay.

But:

without thanksgiving for ALL things

where would we be?

So I and all of us have to keep fighting

to look to Christ

to trust God in all the details of our lives

to be thankful

to give glory to God all the days of our life.

That is the true measure of our life, our days:

are we giving glory to God or to ourselves?

May the Lord help us to turn in every way

to Him.

Tuesday - Cold, Snow and Cover Letters

I printed this icon of St. Menas.

I am going to put it in my new shelf Icon Corner.

One of my friends who grew up in an Orthodox country

related to me St. Menas was the first Saint she was really close to

as a young girl...

She told me that St. Menas never hesitates to help us

and quickly...

*

I posted a while back of finding the Akathist to St. Menas;

we are so blessed to have so many avenues and types

of prayer in the Orthodox church.

*

I remember a nun telling me how they pray to St. Menas

and that he never lets them down.

You cannot say it more simply than this!

*

I am looking for a job-finding miracle!

Finished two cover letters due tomorrow;

have to edit, finish the resumes.

*

Got news of an interview at a far off place

in North America via Skype.

Another reason I am so glad I have a new computer!

*

I fully admit that I desire to stay in Ottawa

but must seek God's will and hand.

Um, but that does not mean inside I am thinking

no, no, no not moving, no...

But one thing at a time.

I am asking God to resolve this situation

and for me to obey!

*

I do have the interview next week for another Ottawa position...

It is cold here still.

I wore my snow pants to experiment

with walking to the store.

I stayed warm; my cheeks got very red with cold;

clearly the third top scarf is needed.

Style verses warmth = stay warm and forget 'style.'!

*

I love my scarves as my Oma knitted them

and I think of her when I wear them and how

her work is keeping me warm.

*

I got two loaves of thick wheat walnut raisin bread

for half off at the local bakery.

*

I am seeking to continue to take this one day at at time;

I have enough for now,

and must do what I can job-wise

every day.

I must not worry about the future but merely

trust that God will continue to provide for me.

My sister and brother in law arrived safely back in

Romania.

It was such a good time this past Christmas.

*

I am so blessed.

*

Praying for little Noah - he is now unable to eat,

which is hard to imagine.

Noah's mother's faith in Christ and determination

to focus on today and on thankfulness

is not only helping save her in the here and now

but is a real testimony to me.

Let's keep praying one for the other!

*

God is with us.

Saturday Cold and White

Today I cleaned.

After I submitted another cover letter and resume

yesterday

I did laundry; I dry laundry all by hand.

Now laundry and dishes are done.

*

Every morning lately I wake up

like I have gotten a cold;

using Kleenex, coughing, congestion;

within a few hours I feel fine again.

In case it is allergies,

I swept all dust bunnies away.

*

A friend told me that it could be nerves

and that he gets that sometimes.

Sigh.

*

I could not help though

thinking that even though I really needed to clean

that it meant I was not job searching at the same time.

Yet the cleaning was needed.

*

I am seeking to trust God for what I need.

I am struggling with anxiety;

due to circumstances outside of our control,

there could be no confessions tonight.

*

Monastics have told me about submitting everything

to God and trusting God to do in a day

what is needed;

so I seek to learn this in all things.

*

I want to learn this;

to be at peace;

not obey Christ and not worry.

Today it snowed and snowed.

It was cloudy all day with snow - a type of 'snow-fog.'

*

I am glad for a clean house.

*

I am really looking forward God-willing

to liturgy tomorrow.

I thought a cute and kind a funny picture of Cleo

was needed about now.

*

Twice this week she has decided to hide

in this blue pillow

that is on my IKEA arm-less arm chair.

So cute.

*

I have other friends that are also struggling

right now -

for reasons of privacy I can't way their names

but can you pray for two of my friends today?

They are in great need.

Sunday - the day of resurrection

I love how in the Orthodox Church

during Lent

the priest wear the normal gold on Sunday

showing us that today is the Day of Resurrection

even in the midst of Great Lent.

My little alarm clock.

Cleo decided a 1 hour nap today (time change etc)

was quite enough.

I decided to go with it, love her and chose to play with her.

Realizing how hard it is to really love.

To let go of what one wants or prefers for another person;

it is not easy to be or become a Christian.

Hard to believe that we will be in Holy Week soon

and then Pascha.

Lent is a battle,

and I really appreciate Sarah reminding me of this.

We may be looking for the door to summer,

but really,

we are waiting for Pascha

and for the Kingdom of God,

where we will know Pascha all the time.

Lord save us and remember us in Your Kingdom!

Cleo and I got the apartment! The Lease is Signed!

My lease was signed and dotted today after all!

+++

Thank you all so much for your prayers!

+++

It will be smaller, less cupboard space, smaller bedroom...

but it has everything I need and want:

*new apartment is only a block from where I am now

*wood floors

*separate bedroom

*laundry on site

*Super on site

*small balcony off bedroom with door

*elevators

*windows for Cleo to look out

+++

God really helped me!

First saving me from the potential BAD

landlord / tenant relationship;

Second, this is the apartment I had wanted all along.

It had been listed before and was taken before I saw it;

opposite of my situation, the tenant who wanted it backed out,

so it came up for rent again.

Now it is mine.

All I want to know now is to be sure that the walls can be nailed in

so I can put my Icons up!

One thing at a time!

+++

Thank you all for your prayers and support!

Now I need to move this coming week,

unpack,

look for a new job,

plan my trip DV home for Christmas

and organize myself for future French Classes.

+++

Thanks be to God for His great mercy!

Uncertianty

Thank you all who prayed for me tonight! It was a cold day today so I wore my beloved dark red sweater with a funky black skirt and my silver earrings.

By God's grace and your prayers, I was able to hold my own at the dinner. When others ordered fish, I ordered fillet mignon. (It was pretty good, but a bit salty). I was able to professionally talk about being in transition, about the class I am taking and library-shop talk.

However, I learned that I had been misinformed about the job contract. It is not for sure that I will get it - they apparently have other candidates. This is not how the job was put to me when I received the phone call. However I should know more soon, as I was able to talk directly to the head of the library (who I already know on a professional level).

This means I do not know if I have a job, that I will go on EI, and I will look into seeing if I can have the government (as part of career training) fund a French class for me. I have to finish my paper this week and study for my final. Then I will begin doing the other job-finding things.

I am a bit overwhelmed by this; I thought I had a 4 month contract and could stay in my apartment. Now I do not know. But I have to trust God that the right thing will come.

Prayers appreciated.

Icon Light

I love St. John of Kronstadt.

I got this icon over Christmas and New Years holidays when

I was at the monastery.

My lampada, at my old apartment,

was lit in front of a paper copy

of this icon.

When I got the icon of Rublev's Trinity,

the lampada became the light for the icon of the Holy Trinity.

Finally, this past weekend, I had time to put up my small shelf

and now have a light by St. John of Kronstadt again.

When ever I enter this room, I am deeply encouraged to see

the bright light by St. John.

Glory to God!

4 Month Contract

I got an unexpected call today from a former employer (government) who I loved working for. They said they have a 4 month casual (as in a short term contract) position that they want me for! The interview would be a formality!

This will give me enough money to live on, save money (in case I do not have work come September) for rent! It means I will not have to move out of my apartment! My little home!

WOW. This is the Lord's incredibly abundant mercy. A job where I know I am well thought of, that I have experience in and that I can walk to. And that I do not even have to have the nervousness of a real job interview. This could not of been better for me to rebuild my confidence and get another job on my resume.

Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for me that I can have a good informal interview (they told me what experience they want me to talk about) and that this can be a really good summer contract for me.

Glory to God!!

The interveiw is this Monday at 3 EST; prayers requested!

Soul Saturdays...Spiritual Mothers and Fathers

It is sunny here.

By the end of the panihida my heart felt light. It is so wonderful to be in Church.

Like many I have a long blog roll in bloglines. One of the blogs I read is Christ is in our Midst by Handmaiden Leah. She has a great post about this Soul Saturday and how Koliva came to the Orthodox church.

My spiritual father spoke afterwards about how Lent is coming, how those who have died and are in Christ know that Lent is coming. They live already in the light of Pasca, but they know spiritually what is going on for us. He reminded us that we are in one Church with them, that they are with us as we journey to Pasca. I know many priests have sensed those priests who have departed this earth still with them in the Altar. It is such a comfort to know also that my loved ones who loved the Lord, including my spiritual mother, are with me in Church.

My spiritual mother was not Orthodox, but now that she is in heaven, she understands. And she loved God on earth and was a strong example of what a Christian woman can be - she prayed for many people, she helped many, she provided a refuge for many to begin deep process of healing through Christ. When she died is when God taught me that the early Church (I was not Orthodox yet) prayed for the dead.

The grief I felt when she died was the most intense I have ever consciously felt. It was like living for three days in an eclipse. I remember being shocked that the sun was shining outside. I felt like my Mother had died. I lived in BC then and she lived in New England. I had no money to go to her funeral. It was months before I went back to New England where she lived. For the first three weeks I kept thinking I saw her coming. I could not imagine that she was not coming down the stairs from her apartment for morning prayers. I could not imagine growing up without her.

Thank God that I now know that, while I cannot call her on the phone, cannot visit or email her, I can still ask for her prayers. Nothing can separate us from the love of God and Christ has trampled down death by death. My spiritual father taught us, some years ago, that in the Holy Spirit we can ask God to tell our Mothers, Fathers and other loved ones that we still love them, that we miss them. They know when we are praying for them. At times I ask a Saint that I am especially close with to relay my love to my spiritual mother.

A very special Orthodox friend, whose spiritual father is departed, still can tell spiritual father things in prayer.

My spiritual father has reminded us that the line between earthly life and the life of those departed is not that great, especially when we are in Church.

I am so thankful for my life here - that I can go to the panihida - that I can DV go back for vespers. Thank God for His Church and His great mercy.

This Day

Have been up since around 5 AM. To do well in this day:

1. fish sandwich. fruit. nuts. bread. water.
2. baptism at noon - yay church! and yay taxi to get me there in time over lunch hour.
3. no A/C in tall building at work on weekend. Fans and summer clothes with winter evening going to vespers clothes in bag.
4. prayers and encouragement of others
5. God's mercy

the drama in life

here's the current summary:

a) broken foot - wound infected. Seeing nurse daily, antibiotics
b) starting new job training in another city - will be trained with foot elevated -
c) the buzzer to my apartment building broke last night. no elevator in building, broken foot, no way to let people in. keys cut and arrangements being made

I know that God is in all things and can use all this for my salvation. Also there are many who are in much worse situations than mine. I pray that I can learn to say "Glory to God in all things" and to stay peaceful and trust God.