Trusting God with this Lent

So many we are praying for to
St. Nectarios.
Just learned today of one of my
undergraduate friend's mother having
stage 4 brain cancer,
starting treatment this Monday.
So heart breaking.
I am still waiting for news of other friend's
health or health of their family members...

This is Mr. Husband's icon.
When one first looks at it,
one thinks it is the
icon of the Protection of the Mother of God.
It is very similar but is actually
the icon of
the Mother of God Joy of All Who Sorrow.
My icon of the Holy Protection
is a close-up of the Mother of God
holding her veil
and
is on our buffet...
*
It is so wonderful that we have
such wonderful icons of the
Mother of God to
comfort, protect and keep us....

 

Mr. Husband and I continue
to learn how to deal
with my current illness.
We have ordered groceries online again.
*
In hopes of a stronger Elizabeth in the
Bright Season
after Lent,
Spring-form Pans for Cheesecake
have been ordered.
Mr. Husband is a great lover of cheesecake...
*
My second yarn and needle order
has been shipped and I hope
to have it early next week.
*
My first dish cloth is done!!
I will try blog about it soon...
Am having fun knitting a small scarf for
one of my nieces.
*
My cousin M. is mailing me a slipper pattern
like our Oma's slippers
that she always knitted for us.
*
Mr. Husband said that
I did a
'Nourishing Traditions FAIL'
as I wanted Campbells Chicken noodle soup
over the stock we made from scratch.
What can I say?
When sick, I still go for what I always
had before...
*
Tomorrow is the first Soul Saturday and
I am homesick for my Ottawa church
and the Panakhyda they 
will have tomorrow.
*
Mr. Husband is taking really good care of me.
I am so blessed and grateful.
*
This lent is going to be very different for me.
I will not be able to fast that much
as my body is incredibly weakened. 
Already talked to the priests
I know here about this...
My fast is going to be well, 
from things like ice cream
(but not popsicles!)
*
A while back my Ottawa spiritual father and I
talked about when one cannot fast
in ways one wishes
because of circumstances 
outside of one's control,
one can focus instead on gaining a
greater love for prayer.
*
I can only hope for God's mercy.
*
With my health and 
hopeful May and August plans,
it is very possible that I will not be able to return
to Ottawa until early September.
We just will not know.
*
My Oma often said
take it as it comes
and that is indeed what we will have to do.
*
Tomorrow Mr. Husband and I will 
be married for 
6 months.
For this I am very very thankful. 

Today we are with God and are not abandoned

So
one of my good friend's sent me a
message saying that she
had mono some years back
and it took about a month before it showed up
in the blood tests.
That made it a lot more real for me.
My tests were already showing mono
though not 100%
but enough for my doctor to be sure I have it.
Shucks.
*
So we are doing a lot of learning around here.
I miss my not-that-long-ago busy days
of baking bread and making
yummy fried potatoes for our
Saturday breakfasts.
*
But I am trying not think too much about
that, but of all I do have and can do.
*
I am having chicken broth lots
made by a friend
lately, with
fresh ginger thrown in.


And tea,
mainly echinacea or
ginger and lemon now days.

With Holy Honey,
i.e. from a monastery not that far from here. :)

I had at the loving
advice of one of my best
Ottawa friends
emailed my Ottawa naturopath last weekend.
It's been so busy moving, marrying and adjusting,
with travel, hurricane sandy, a minor snow storm
and earlier sicknesses
to get a new naturopath lined up here.
So now I am on a battery of supplements
that Mr. Husband valiantly got for me.

Having lots of garlic and ginger.
Tea, water.
*
The dreaded medicine that is giving me
nightly insomnia now has
two more days.
So by Friday morning I will be free of it,
though the side-effects will take probably
another week to totally go away.
*
My swollen tonsil?
Still quite swollen.
White blotches all over.
The main improvement is that it
is not causing pain.
*
I think the supplements are in part
helping with this.

Grateful for my red kettle.
Missing making bread.
Trying to figure out ways for us to function with
Mr. Husband's busy schedule and
my inability to do much.
Like laundry.
I have been warned by various good friends
not to lift as
I could rupture my spleen.
Did I mention that before I was diagnosed
I was doing the lifting for the family
due to some upper-back pain of my beloved
Mr. Husband?
Sometimes it just seems a bit hard...
I am working on some ideas to help us...
*
I ordered two tall 16 oz mugs
that can be in the dishwasher
so that I will not need to use
 the tall clear glasses
that I refuse to have in the dish washer
due to this dish washer already
making scratches in my clear glass
drinking jug.
I do not like to ruin dishes.
This may seem trivial but we are trying to figure out
all ways to make it easier for housekeeping
and things keeping very sanitary.
The last thing we want is Mr. Husband to have mono too.
God forbid!
*
I ordered more yarn yesterday.
Today I ordered the cups and a good reading light.
Doing simple things like this
I find winds me and
I have to rest a lot.
I find that there is this strange heaviness
 on my chest often
and I just try to keep refocusing on Christ.
Knitting helps.

 

I have so many who I love who are
in various levels of heartbreak, panic,
uncertainty, job-loss/job-seeking,
health troubles of all sorts
and children and family struggles.
I just keep lighting candles.
Saying little prayers.
*
I have learned a little bit that
what is true is that God is still with us
in all the darkness,
all the exhaustion,
all the struggle and confusion.
And that some how we have enough
and that we can be with God today.
That He is here with us
and He cares
about our struggles.
My Ottawa spiritual father talks often of
how God is right there in the very
middle of our struggles
with us.
My dear friends:
God is with us and nothing, NOTHING, 
can separate God's love from us.
*
Let us pray for each other.

Hope on a Grey - Sunset Is So Early - Friday

Really appreciated this post by Deb

and the news it brings...

truly an incredible event in Moscow

I...we... must remember that the main thing we are called to do

is to prayer.

To returning to Christ.

To repentance and asking God for the

grace of repentance.

Asking the Mother of God's intercessions

to her Son

our Lord Jesus Christ

when we struggle or feel afraid.

And to know that we are not alone

no matter how we may feel.

And that when we fail, fall into worry, doubt or

other thoughts that trip us up

and weigh us down,

that God is here waiting

and with God we can get up again,

no matter how many times it takes,

we can get up and be with Christ again.

Home, my Oma and other reflections

I am God willing going home

in early December

to see my sister and brother-in-law.

I booked the ticket a few weeks ago.

I don't think I can go home for actual

(new calendar) Christmas

and, worst of all, I don't think I can go to my

most beloved monastery for New Years

like I always do.

Just not wise to spend the extra money.

I am still wishing for this,

but not counting on it.

But I am seeking to go for at least one night

while I am home in earlier December.

It will be good to be home.

*

A few days before I go home God willing I am

going to see my Oma.

The last time I saw her was about 2 years ago

and the last time I saw her with all of my family

was in late 2008.

I even found one in which I flew out to see my Oma

when she was 99; she is now 102 years old!

*

The hard thing about that I am going to Brampton to see my

Oma with my family is that she will be

God willing

103 on Dec 24 of this year.

One of my Aunts is visiting her right now;

my Mom said that Oma (her Mom)

is showing more signs of decline.

I hope and pray that she will not go too quickly

and that my family can have at least one more time to see her.

*

My Oma is worthy of many blog posts,

to say the least!

*

It was quite something,

seeing those old 2008/2009 blog posts today.

I was in the seemingly slow process of losing my job in 2009.

Now I have lost another one.

I am glad my friends are quick to tell me that this does NOT mean

I am a failure.

My Mother I think has the best words on it;

not only am I not a failure but that God took the job away...

it is all in God's hands,

not in the end, even in my employers hands.

*

We go through a lot of trials in this life

but God is with us in them.

It is a continual and constant battle of the mind

to rejoice and be thankful;

one step at a time,

picking oneself up each time

that a step is missed.

*

Lord have mercy on us!

Trusting that Joy will come in the morning

I had such a special time with my dear friends
And godbaby
In spite of the loss of my job.
Then I came home,
Read many kind and loving comments and emails
And tried to sleep.
Tossed and turned and finally Cleo meowed at about
1:30 AM and I got up,
Stood and sat by my lampda burning bright
By St. George
And wept.
God, I did not want to go through this again
Is all I could say.

*
...Yet, I know ultimately it will be okay.
I learned so much about having to trust in God
And living in the present.
Frankly that is how I was surviving the job I just lost.
There were many good points about my job.
But it was hard for me as it was quite intense
And I am quieter and research minded;
the more social aspects of the job were hard for me.
Frankly, they overwhelmed me at times.
I am so sad though.

**
I am in the middle of planning a birthday party

for one of my best friends here
And I was going to take her out to eat.
Now that my income is again not guaranteed;
Suddenly everything has changed – again.
***

But not everything has changed.
I can still prepare for the birthday party.
I am making the cake and I am going to have
People over for her special day
And I have already planning out a lot of it
to make it really beautiful for her.
Just like dear friends have done for me.
God willing,
Nothing will stop me from making a beautiful
Birthday evening for one of my dear friends.
Nothing.

Tuesday - Holding On

Phone meeting went very well.

I will have a bit of work to do soon

and have time to focus now on my

two interviews this week.

*

I am very tired.

*

Praying for many who I love who are in their own

deep waters...

*

Found this yesterday and

cannot tell you how beautiful it is.

As I continue to read about the Optina Fathers

the beauty of the church, the singing

and the monastery of St. Elisabeth

that the link above is to,

I can only tell you we have been given a very

very great treasure in the Orthodox church

and that further healing of our lives

and selves is possible.

*

In the midst of our troubles, may God bring us

this healing.

Beginning of the Apostles Fast

After a very intense last week -

interview, job applications, interview prep

the baptism (so wonderful)

Sunday church (wonderful as well)

today I had to rest.

I have a really big interview Wednesday but

know myself well enough that if I did not

listen to how I was feeling

I would not be able to regain the momentum

I need for Wednesday.

*

Add to that continued insomnia due to medicine,

Cleo getting sick in the night

(she's fine now by all accounts)

and city noises,

I knew that I could not push it today.

*

Also, this morning the old contract

I thought I was doing weeks ago

was mentioned again but at the end of today

I still don't know if I am doing that work or not.

So much instability right now;

I feel really weary.

*

I am struggling with the fact that

I will really only have one day to prepare for this interview.

*

But God is merciful and He will carry me through this

and He knows each detail of my life and is

in charge of ordering it.

If I needed a day to recover and be quiet

then so be it.

Better to be quiet and seek to remember God

admits the anxious struggles

than to charge ahead heedless.

*

All this aside, I have been keeping a candle lit for

others, including MamaJuliana

who was to have surgery today.

*

Let us remember one another in prayer.

Moving forward one inch at a time

It was so good to be at liturgy.

My church family is a great gift.

I can't say I am in the easiest situation,

and in someways I admit to feeling like

I fail when I admit via my blog that

I have / am struggling.

But the thing is we all struggle.

I am just one of everyman.

I know.

But Christ is Risen

and He promises,

as Jane Kenyon writes,

to be mercy clothed in light.

Another Interview Over

Thank you all SO MUCH

for your prayers

and encouragement in the comments.

Your support and friendship

via the Internet

is very real and comforting to me.

Thank you.

*

The interview went fairly well;

the hardest part was that I have not been sleeping well

and towards the end it was hard to keep my

'interview stamina' going.

*

I've still been having regular insomnia,

in part from the meds I am still taking for the

rash that reoccurred (is gone now again

but I have to stay on the meds for a bit longer).

*

Tomorrow I start my new short term part time contract.

I don't know what to expect exactly

and would appreciate prayers that

tomorrow will go really well.

*

I am to know by the end of next week

about the job I interviewed for today.

*

I am using my librarian skills to try to help my

friend Mara who needs all the support and

medical resources she can get.

Please keep her in prayer.

*

That we can pray for each other

and that we have hope in God

and the Mother of God's protection

is a great comfort.

*

We are all in great and grave battles but God is with us

and Christ has defeated death by death.

We must take courage and say

God Is With Us.

Tuesday - Cold, Snow and Cover Letters

I printed this icon of St. Menas.

I am going to put it in my new shelf Icon Corner.

One of my friends who grew up in an Orthodox country

related to me St. Menas was the first Saint she was really close to

as a young girl...

She told me that St. Menas never hesitates to help us

and quickly...

*

I posted a while back of finding the Akathist to St. Menas;

we are so blessed to have so many avenues and types

of prayer in the Orthodox church.

*

I remember a nun telling me how they pray to St. Menas

and that he never lets them down.

You cannot say it more simply than this!

*

I am looking for a job-finding miracle!

Finished two cover letters due tomorrow;

have to edit, finish the resumes.

*

Got news of an interview at a far off place

in North America via Skype.

Another reason I am so glad I have a new computer!

*

I fully admit that I desire to stay in Ottawa

but must seek God's will and hand.

Um, but that does not mean inside I am thinking

no, no, no not moving, no...

But one thing at a time.

I am asking God to resolve this situation

and for me to obey!

*

I do have the interview next week for another Ottawa position...

It is cold here still.

I wore my snow pants to experiment

with walking to the store.

I stayed warm; my cheeks got very red with cold;

clearly the third top scarf is needed.

Style verses warmth = stay warm and forget 'style.'!

*

I love my scarves as my Oma knitted them

and I think of her when I wear them and how

her work is keeping me warm.

*

I got two loaves of thick wheat walnut raisin bread

for half off at the local bakery.

*

I am seeking to continue to take this one day at at time;

I have enough for now,

and must do what I can job-wise

every day.

I must not worry about the future but merely

trust that God will continue to provide for me.

My sister and brother in law arrived safely back in

Romania.

It was such a good time this past Christmas.

*

I am so blessed.

*

Praying for little Noah - he is now unable to eat,

which is hard to imagine.

Noah's mother's faith in Christ and determination

to focus on today and on thankfulness

is not only helping save her in the here and now

but is a real testimony to me.

Let's keep praying one for the other!

*

God is with us.

Friday of St. Barbara, soon St. Nicholas

Today (old calendar) is St. Barbara's Day.

I am so glad for this.

Soon St. Nicholas Day;

one of my favourite days of the year

(and my sister's birthday!)

*

Tomorrow God willing the monastery trip.

*

I am depending very much on St. Nicholas' prayers.

Keeping my lampada lit

seeking to pray

prayers of others

are keeping me afloat.

Took a long bus ride to a job agency today;

did the tests for clerical and data entry;

did very well.

*

Fixed my purse that broke just today;

got the handle restitched for only five dollars;

for an awesome purse that I use a lot

this is a good price.

*

I am still struggling with anxiety about the health tests

I am waiting for results for.

Still having insomnia every night because the meds I am on

for the November volcanic face outbreak;

meds done at the end of this month.

The last few nights when I wake and realize once again

insomnia

and I go to stand, I almost fall immediately to the floor.

I know what this means my friends;

insomnia and stress.

Not to worry though,

I've lived through this before.

AND I have meds for the insomnia

so I have resources and am still getting sleep,

just not enough sleep yet.

*

And I have gathered many good tips for stress

(of course I welcome all ideas).

So far here is what I am doing to proactively take care of myself

during this time of job searching and health uncertainty:

1. Pray and ask others for prayers

2. Monasteries

3. Eat as well as possible. The root veggies by the way were fabulous.

Trying to eat protein, good vegetables

and fruits and hearty bread daily.

Avoid sugar and caffeine,

stay hydrated - water, herbal teas, juice.

4. Deep breathing

5. Lampada lit day and night

6. Talking to family and friends and asking for prayer

7. Regular contact with my church family

8. Being thankful and seeing and creating beauty every day

9. Constantly bringing my mind back to the fact

that I am in God's hands and care.

*

I thank God.

And now I am going to make the cakes for St. Nicholas day!!

Baking - so therapeutic and creative!

*

Let's keep praying for one another.

*

God is with us.

Rest and Remember

This is a special week;

a pause before the gaining momentum of the soon

approaching Great Lent.

I thought in the midst of winter,

I would remind everyone of the season of summer,

which will come again.

Today there was beautiful snow swirling around.

I did not have my camera, sadly.

But we must remember to seek to see the beautiful in today.

Being thankful really helps us out of the winter blues

and the long grey days that winter can bring.

The Lord is with us.

He can make winter a time of growth,

a time when the farmer does not see the seeds spouting;

but the land, in the time of rest and darkness,

is preparing for another Spring, another Summer.

God is with us

and His Lent is coming to continue to heal us.

Thinking about the end of the year

There is a lot of snow now, here;

the wind is blowing,

I can hear it by my windows

here on the 8th floor.

I read this blog post about saying goodbye to the year

and realize I need to do just that.

As many who read my blog know,

this year has been with a lot of challenges.

*

A year ago my job was already proving to have

great and serious difficulties;

I was really shaken,

did not even have as much courage for

the corporate Christmas party

I had to go to.

**

In many ways I really loved my job;

running my own library

working for the staff there,

praying for them

silently

and caring.

***

I lost this job due to reevaluations in the end of Lent.

It took me sometime to realize

how I had left the that library

in a much better place

than when I began.

*

And so it goes.

I lost the job.

I left the apartment I loved.

**

But soon it will be a new year.

My life is still unfolding.

***

God is with us.

And I remember the Holy Icon of the Mother of God

coming to us here, in Ottawa, this past fall.

+++

We must remember God

and not give up hope.

Life...

Sometimes life seems a bit too much.

I have been feeling this way myself.

So we hide for a bit.

But then we come out again.

I really wish though

that I could of done full time French training

or that it was easier to get a job.

Thank God tonight is vespers.