I think it's stress

Two nights ago I woke up in a huge panic - full scale I'd say - was sick 4 times, called two friends. Was up for a few hours. I hope to never go through that again. I did go to work, and had a nice quiet day in the library. God answered my prayer fully on this one - I listened to Ancient Faith Radio and a podcast by Fr. Thomas Hopko on the Samaritan Woman and one by Fr. Stephen Freeman. I felt really fragile at work, so fresh from that very unexpected episode.

When I had left my building that morning for work, the inner door (two doors to get in to the building, one inner door being the one that is locked) was shattered. Glass in various swept up piles, glass still in the inner rim of the door, falling out when I opened and then closed the door. I wonder if I woke up, feeling like I could not breathe, after hearing this door smash. Pretty dramatic, eh?

The whole time I was still aware of God, my icons are still up in my small box-strewn apartment.

Last night, I had Indian take-out for dinner. I called and emailed various friends. I am loved.

I have friends coming each day to help me pack; Friday morning the movers come. The apartment I am moving into is not far away, so it will not be too bad. I need to figure out how to get my Cat Cleo to my new place. Maybe I will walk over with a friend and Cleo in her carrier. Or I may take a taxi. It will depend on how quiet Cleo is being and if she is trying to escape! (I know my little Cat well!)

The door downstairs is fixed, FYI and I am going to see my doctor tomorrow to be sure everything is okay health-wise.

Suffice to say, I believe I am still in need of prayer...

The hard, good and um, funny...

The funny first. I was having a good day at work - when I realized that I was wearing one brown shoe and one black. Sigh. Good thing I find this funny...

The good Fr. Lawrence's podcasts have begun! It is wonderful to hear his voice and listen to him explain the Scriptures. He was there at the beginning of my journey into the Orthodox Church and I thank God for him.

Also I found a copy of Madeleine L' Engle's book A Wind in the Door today at public library book sale! I am not sure if I have read this one or not - I probably have but it has been a long time. I also found a copy of Dragons in the Waters which I am giving to a friend.

I am reading a lot of books right now - Kathleen Norris's book, an Amanda Cross mystery (No word from Winifred), Ulysses by Joyce (wanted to be more in the know as one of my friends is reading it for class; I know it is long and at times said to be unreadable), and I recently obtained, from 8th day books, St. Ephriam's Spiritual Psalter. Ancient Faith Radio reads some of these prayers throughout the day; I am grateful to have a copy. I am reading this book very slowly.

New and old books - L' Engle I have been reading more or less avidly for the last 12 years - Amanda Cross is great for thinking about the academic world, esp. English departments. One gets a real sense of the time period through reading popular mysteries and she deals with a lot of questions, including about the self, feminism, youth, and the current states in culture.

I picked up her book on Winifred when I was in Halifax, at the most overwhelming, real, wood floor and shelves with books that seem to almost cascade down tottering piles bookstore. I would go back, I think, almost solely to see this store again! It was lovely. Their mystery section had classics, they had a small wall of orange Penguins and a small corner with lots of editions of the Bible. I am hunting for a good edition of The Jerusalem Bible as I find that translation of the Psalms very tender. (Through another wonderful translation, which I do own, from 8th day books, is the Psalter of the Seventy).

Okay, the hard. As in hard to know how to process - I am going to have a panihida soon (if all goes as I hope) for my spiritual mother who died ten years ago last week. This is hard to know how to process as grief and as a prayer and not as any form of self-pity, which will hinder real growth, grief and prayer.

A lot is going on for me - preparing for a move, learning my new job - and figuring out how to live and not let go of the reader/bookish/writer side. God is good and I am thankful; He has given me so much.

ps: still working on downloading the Halifax pictures. Soon, I hope!

Sound advice - Found via two blogs

http://whenwefast.blogspot.com/2008/04/55-maxims-for-christian-living.html

http://sttheophanacademy.blogspot.com/2008/04/good-advice.html

So today I have done various blog searching and additions to my bloglines feed. I found this list that was complied by Erin's husband (see first link) and then I found it on the second link.

It is incredible. As in I should print this out and put it somewhere on my Prayer Wall.

This was from Ancient Faith Radio talk by Fr. Thomas Hopko.

55 Maxims for Christian Living
by Fr. Thomas Hopko

Here it is:

1. Be always with Christ.
2. Pray as you can, not as you want.
3. Have a keepable rule of prayer that you do by discipline.
4. Say the Lord’s Prayer several times a day.
5. Have a short prayer that you constantly repeat when your mind is not occupied with other things.
6. Make some prostrations when you pray.
7. Eat good foods in moderation.
8. Keep the Church’s fasting rules.
9. Spend some time in silence every day.
10. Do acts of mercy in secret.
11. Go to liturgical services regularly
12. Go to confession and communion regularly.
13. Do not engage intrusive thoughts and feelings. Cut them off at the start.
14. Reveal all your thoughts and feelings regularly to a trusted person.
15. Read the scriptures regularly.
16. Read good books a little at a time.
17. Cultivate communion with the saints.
18. Be an ordinary person.
19. Be polite with everyone.
20. Maintain cleanliness and order in your home.
21. Have a healthy, wholesome hobby.
22. Exercise regularly.
23. Live a day, and a part of a day, at a time.
24. Be totally honest, first of all, with yourself.
25. Be faithful in little things.
26. Do your work, and then forget it.
27. Do the most difficult and painful things first.
28. Face reality.
29. Be grateful in all things.
30. Be cheerful.
31. Be simple, hidden, quiet and small.
32. Never bring attention to yourself.
33. Listen when people talk to you.
34. Be awake and be attentive.
35. Think and talk about things no more than necessary.
36. When we speak, speak simply, clearly, firmly and directly.
37. Flee imagination, analysis, figuring things out.
38. Flee carnal, sexual things at their first appearance.
39. Don’t complain, mumble, murmur or whine.
40. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.
41. Don’t seek or expect praise or pity from anyone.
42. We don’t judge anyone for anything.
43. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.
44. Don’t defend or justify yourself.
45. Be defined and bound by God alone.
46. Accept criticism gratefully but test it critically.
47. Give advice to others only when asked or obligated to do so.
48. Do nothing for anyone that they can and should do for themselves.
49. Have a daily schedule of activities, avoiding whim and caprice.
50. Be merciful with yourself and with others.
51. Have no expectations except to be fiercely tempted to your last breath.
52. Focus exclusively on God and light, not on sin and darkness.
53. Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God’s mercy is greater than your wretchedness.
54. When we fall, get up immediately and start over.
55. Get help when you need it, without fear and without shame.