Does Cleo have more than 3 weeks left in her?

Mr Husband and I took Cleo to the vet today.

I am really unsure of what to think, or rather what to do.

I will tell you that Cleo lost almost a pound since last visit.

She had lost weight before and regained, 3 years ago.

This time, the vet thinks she, being more jaundiced than ever,

is in the last weeks of her life.

Her hiding in the laundry room one of the many signs.

So why is Cleo sleeping nearer to us/staying closer to me since

we came home from the vet? She weights .2 more ounces since we gave her

a bit more treats.

Yet it is undeniable.  Look how awful she looks when being weighed.

She had lost weight.  She IS more jaundiced.  I can feel her spine now :(

The vet thinks she will be feeling miserable if she loses another .5 lb/1.b.

She is declining.  

So here is what I am processing, what Mr Husband wisely told me I need

to come to an answer myself and he is here to listen and support me.

We are going back to the vet September 11th in the late afternoon.

It could be that we say goodbye to Cleo that day.

That is what I need to figure out.

Is it time to let Cleo go? 

This deadline is important because I will be away for a bit in later September,

with some family things.

The vet assured me that if I am gone and Cleo declines rapidly and
I am not with her when she dies, I could regret it for years. 

I can see that. 

My Husband says, give it a week.  We will watch Cleo carefully,

weigh her daily and see how she is doing.

She has perked up a lot these last 2 days.  Is this the 

rally before death? "Terminal lucidity" is the term, apparently. 

I don't expect (or want direct 'yes you should do that' answers) answers 

but I would ask your prayers and if you have stories of your own pet's 

decline and death, that could be helpful for me.

As I speak, I can hear Cleo eating... that long familiar sound of her dropping

the dry kibble on the ground and then eating it there... 

Back Home...

This was the lovely sign that greeted me

when I came Sunday night

to my dear friend's home.

*

I had a very good visit in Ottawa.

*

It is now Tuesday morning, 

I saw Mr. Husband off to work, 

Cleo the Cat is sharing my chair and purring

and laundry is going and 

I am slowly putting things away.

*

Groceries are going to need to be ordered,

clothes hung to dry,

all the wonderfulness of coming back home.

*

Late Sunday night after I got back from my friend's,

dear friends from BC told me of Fr. Matthew's sudden tragic passing;

he was a dear friend to many people 

and I like many have been thinking and praying

for him and for his family.

*

I am so thankful for my life with Mr. Husband,

for my home and family; for my church family

that spans two countries and many churches;

for the time I had in Ottawa.

*

We must be grateful for each day as God is

the one who holds our future

and in Him we continue to trust....

Saturday in my new life

My Ortho-husband and I had a special lunch
at home due to the kindness of
some of our (my new) friends
who gave us some lovely lunch treats.
*
This is my type of casual table;
Lovely table cloth, water jug, books in a pile,
tea ready to drink;
I could not resist lighting the candles. :)
*
I am really enjoying the flowers as well...

I love my cute new sugar and creamer.
I love reds in my kitchen
and love washing up the little milk jug...

I love figs and dates
and enjoyed trying this new jam.

Cheeses:
Blueberry Fayre (white Stilton)
Ivernia
Mango & Ginger (white Stilton)
*
New red tray
(FYI ~ all of the more pottery looking dishes are fiesta ware)
and silver-plated knives from the rummage sale.
Cheese knife (with white handle)
I had been given years ago from my Mother
who got it in Holland.
*
It's funny,
other than the salad bowl,
cheese knife from Holland and my green tea pot
and the trivet under this,
and the little white ramekin,
all the things are new bridal shower and wedding gifts.
Fitting in many ways as I feel I have a very
new and different life,
with thankfully the same liturgical year...
*
I commented to my newly wedded husband
that these fancy cheeses would
be fun for Pascha...

I happened to see Cleo looking at the
changing pictures on my computer!

Thought a picture near by to where I live
would be in order.
This is a beautiful Catholic church
near by to our place
that I can see on my way to the nearest
grocery store.

 

A very big deal in this little box:
the flash drive with our wedding pictures came.
In time,
I will share some.
*
Things are very busy in my new home...
*
Seeing all the pictures of this Sunday at my home parish
in Ottawa has brought a lot of joy
and also some tastes and realization of
homesickness.
It is hard to not be able to go back to visit now.
I hope to visit for Theophany...
*
I continue to seek to be thankful however
for all the many blessings I have been given
in my new life...

Monday Cold and Windy

This past Saturday I did a huge

reorganization of my kitchen!

My cupboards were really in need of

some attention

and I was able to re-purpose another shelf (above)

for my baking goods.

I am loving the change,

especially that I can get to my newly

moved tea shelf

in short order.

Cleo continues to be beautiful

and in need of cuddles.

*

I am still struggling a lot with insomnia -

to make it worse,

I got a phone call in the middle of the night;

(no idea who it was, did not stay on phone

long enough to find out).

I am glad that God and His Angels are always with us.

It is cold here now in Ottawa!

I have these great 'cleat' things that go over the soles

of my boots so I can walk

undaunted by icy sidewalks.

I love winter!

*

I am working on various job related things

and applied to an Ottawa job today

(non-library but not a bad job).

*

I am so excited to be going home for Christmas!

God is so good to us.

Loving Autumn

There was sunshine again today.

I remembered how much I used to love walking to work on a sunny morning.

That will be good again, one day..

I am packing up my living / dining room!

I will not be making a cake in this pan until after I move...

Today a new friend helped me pack -

friends are such a blessing!

Had to include a picture of Cleo!

Beautiful Flowers, Hard Questions and Cleo the Cat

Liliacs - I had a great walk yesterday with a friend and took pictures.

Where I first lived as a child had a liliac bush. My Mother loves them...

My Cutest Cleo Cat.

OK. The hard questions.

1. I don't know what to do yet.

I am only getting

RED lights from the professionals

(the few, okay mainly my professor

who is being honest about the field)

about the field for a PhD in humanities.

That and my own research shows that the job market is bad.

And very competitive and intense.

2. I have been asking questions. The MA I could apply to,

I could possibly still get in for September.

Would do it with two of my friends,

if I got in.

BUT with little or no funding.

This is a real concern.

Like many students I have student loans.

If I got out more,

then all the work I did to re-pay would be gone.

This does not seem to be a good move for me,

esp. given that I do not have anyone else (God of course)

to support me money wise.

(and other than a humanities librarian job in a University,

it would not get me more job prospects).

3. What does it mean to let go of this dream?

We are taught to be such idealists.

That we can do anything we want

unlimited optimism or

at least naivete.

This article talks about the students who

are considering graduate school

this professor is often discouraging them for doing so.

He went to Harvard and has a job

but he sees that many are not getting jobs.

His article is harsh but honest.

It was painful to read.

4. This one is only slightly pre-mature.

I do tend to worry a bit at times.

Still. I am processing the fact that if I do not get a job

(I've looked online, there are not any full time ones)

by the end of the summer or so,

I will most likely have to move.

I hope not out of the city itself;

I cannot afford this apartment when the lease is up,

if I do not have a full time

librarian job.

This makes me feel sad,

as my one bedroom apartment here

is so lovely.

5. The idea of having to leave to find work

and leave my Ottawa home

and my spiritual father

I do not want to contemplate.

This is the hardest of all.

But I know that God is with me.

I know that He can do anything; I know I am seek to not be afraid

and be at peace.

So I will continue trying to do so.

And to learn to love God

through this time.

And so I seek to be thankful.

Picture of Cleo and Ponderings regarding Orthodoxy and Paradise Lost

Here's my Cleo Cat.

She decided that it was okay to sit on top of my black bag and sweater.

She has been a bit traumatized by my change in routine;

job loss means no 9-5 job with lunch at home.

Poor Cute Cat.

Well. This morning was sunny;

I bought some used books.

A Canadian Lit Anthology, fiction, a book on English Literature.

Used part of my meager grocery money;

Chaucer described the scholar in his Canterbury Tales

as one who would rather buy books

than eat.

Don't worry though. I am eating.

I have food in the freezer and money to buy bread, milk and eggs.

I am in book 10 of Paradise Lost now.

This reading has been helpful to me.

This transition time is emotionally draining

and I have some grief issues I am crying out

at times.

I did not learn the healing power of tears until I was nearly thirty.

The Orthodox Church changes many things in a person's life.

For me one of these changes included this particular healing.

Not that I believe myself to be fully healed

in terms of processing grief.

But I believe at least that I am a little more healed.

One of the things in Paradise Lost that strikes me is

how the devil refuses to love.

He is clearly committed to malicious hatred of God

to the point that Milton says often that Satan

has hell in his heart.

I think this particular observation of Milton is worth great thought.

A prayer for Saturday in one of my Orthodox Prayer Books includes

asking God to

"Illumine the dark hell of my heart,

driving off the blackness of my sins,

and raise my mind to heaven so that I may delight in Your face."

Theologically Milton misunderstood many things, however,

he can give much food for thought

and prayer.

Peaceful easy feeling, already on the ground

I woke up this morning - late! The sun was shining, my Cleo Cat was fussing and sure enough, I forgot to set my alarm!

I wish I could dscribe how I felt - had slept better than I had in a long while and felt quietly cheered. Like waking up when I was a child, peaceful and secure.

Worry is a big struggle of mine, which I am learning to battle in new ways. One of the prayers I prayed while walking to work when anxiety hit was

Lord, You are the Ground of My Being.

This prayer comes from my memory of the verses in Acts where St. Paul speaks of God in similar terms.

The Eagle's song came to mind as I woke up slowly in a sunlit light blue room, with my cat and Icon Wall near by. And I knew the only reason I felt a Peaceful Easy Feeling is because I am already standing on solid ground.

The Lord is the ground of my being.

Cozy Cat and Dishes

When I am talking to my friends about my new apartment the themes are: books and dishes!

First a picture of my Cat and her first Cat Nap on my new sofa bed:

And my pretty dishes - the tray and tea pot, sugar & creamer my Grandma and I found last year when we went antiquing. Don't they look darling on my buffet? It is exactly what I was looking for - a darker colour with a 'old world country' look. The Royal Albert tea cup was from my dear roommate in my undergraduate days and her parents. Next to it is a humble little cup my Grandmother and I found on our first antiquing venture, for my 25th birthday 7 years ago.

The blue dishes are ones I found with my Mother (If I remember correctly) down the street from my parents house! All of them were selling for 5 dollars. They are beautiful, vibrant and I wish I could get a complete set!! They are an ironstone from Japan.

Lastly, a lovely small teaspoon holder, from Holland. It is real Delft; my Mother gave this to me for Christmas this year. A perfect gift; she found it at an estate sale! I love gifts like these the best. To add to the gift, she gave me teaspoons to go in it from her collection. A lot of these spoons her Mother, my Oma, gave to her years ago. And so it is passed now to me. Once I get more settled, I think I will put some of these spoons in another place, so it is not as crowded.

I will have to have another post sometime to show you my Grandmother's set of dishes that she gave me years ago! I had them stored carefully in boxes under my bed in my parent's house for at least ten years before I had a place for them. As a student I knew I could not afford to move the dishes and I was too transient. It is a dream come true to have a one bedroom apartment with space for a buffet with glass doors for my dishes!

I thank God for His goodness shown in this. I do not deserve such kind thoughtfulness more than anyone else (I wish everyone could have pretty things). So, I am thankful.

For Fun

I just love these pictures of Cleo. I find them cute and they make me laugh. She loves windows and hearing the cars down on the street below.

Yay for cute cats and pets who make us laugh! Thank God for such blessings!!

Pictures So Far

Everyone who has read my blog for a while, knows that I love my Cat Cleo. She is my faithful, cute, comforting little companion and adds a lot of cheer and delight to my life.

My apartment, thanks to a very generous and helpful friend, is now 80% box free! However, until I get my IKEA furniture (much will have to wait until the new year as it can only be ordered and I am leaving for Christmas in 2 weeks so it may not get here in time), my apartment will not be fully picture blog worthy. I would rather show it off when it is done, etc.

But to show a little of my best apartment ever... here are pictures of Cleo in my new place:

The love of windows and birds! I decided early on that I would not worry about Cleo being on my desk. She loves windows...

I am pleased with the light blue paint. I am still adjusting to having a different place though. Apparently it takes time!

This is in the living room by the sliding door. I love the gold chair - it was my Dad's chair when I was a child and we placed "spaceship" with the navy buttons during the day when he was at work. Cleo also loves this chair. She is often near by when I blog! You can also see a bit of the green paint that I chose.

It is going to take a while for my new place to be fully set up, but at least I have a good start.

I think it's stress

Two nights ago I woke up in a huge panic - full scale I'd say - was sick 4 times, called two friends. Was up for a few hours. I hope to never go through that again. I did go to work, and had a nice quiet day in the library. God answered my prayer fully on this one - I listened to Ancient Faith Radio and a podcast by Fr. Thomas Hopko on the Samaritan Woman and one by Fr. Stephen Freeman. I felt really fragile at work, so fresh from that very unexpected episode.

When I had left my building that morning for work, the inner door (two doors to get in to the building, one inner door being the one that is locked) was shattered. Glass in various swept up piles, glass still in the inner rim of the door, falling out when I opened and then closed the door. I wonder if I woke up, feeling like I could not breathe, after hearing this door smash. Pretty dramatic, eh?

The whole time I was still aware of God, my icons are still up in my small box-strewn apartment.

Last night, I had Indian take-out for dinner. I called and emailed various friends. I am loved.

I have friends coming each day to help me pack; Friday morning the movers come. The apartment I am moving into is not far away, so it will not be too bad. I need to figure out how to get my Cat Cleo to my new place. Maybe I will walk over with a friend and Cleo in her carrier. Or I may take a taxi. It will depend on how quiet Cleo is being and if she is trying to escape! (I know my little Cat well!)

The door downstairs is fixed, FYI and I am going to see my doctor tomorrow to be sure everything is okay health-wise.

Suffice to say, I believe I am still in need of prayer...

Two Years, Two Months

I am giving my 2 months notice tomorrow!

I found this part of my letter amusing (though serious):

Please note that I have a Cat who I love. If you have apartment viewings, please ensure that she does not escape. She has a tendency to wait at the front door for such an opportunity.

I have lived in my apartment two years tomorrow. A lot can happen in two years!

Pray for me!!! I have to start preparing more to move soon!

here again

Summary:

about the foot:

1. foot still broken
2. wound not infected - got better
3. appointment with specialist for foot exam this Wednesday

about my new job:

1. work did not realize how injured I was and sent me home early from training
2. they say I am to be on the payroll and that I cannot work until I am better
3. doing paper work tomorrow...

about daily life:

1. crutches - I am walking better on them
2. lots of $ spent on taxi rides
3. it is hard to make food to eat when I have one hand free (other one holding on to something so I do not fall as I am on one foot).

conclusion:

1. need God's mercy
2. need prayer
3. need food. (friend is making me food tomorrow)

on other notes...

1. liturgy tomorrow! St. John the Baptist (And His Mom, St. Elizabeth!) (old calendar)
2. Cleo the Cat really misses the normal routine and having me walk around... I can't do as much for her or play with her. a SERIOUS problem in her view.
3. I heard Fr. Thomas Hopko and Frederica M-G speak this past week. This was great.

The 10 year idea

Both RW and Victoria (see blog roll) wrote about what they thought they would be doing in 10 years.

I agree with Victoria that it is hard to do.

As I am a professional librarian, Orthodox, single and currently unpursued, here is what I would hope for in 10 years time:

weekday/daytime hours:

1. To be enjoying my profession, having a job I want to come to in the daytime hours and the satisfaction and salary that goes along with.
2. To be at peace inwardly because of Christ (okay this is a lifetime hope, however, it needs mentioning)
3. To have gained continued poise and professionalism in dress, outward manner and in service

Days off/vacation/nights/weekends

1. I hope to be living in an apartment/or something else that I love.
2. Church - growing in this (too many ways/details/possibilities to name)
3. I hope I will continue to have some close friends who know me well and who I will continue to spend time with/build a life that includes them
4. I will always be a writer. Working on this and incorporating the various parts of my life that nourish creativity.
5. I hope my Cat Cleo will still be alive and healthy. This is the sad part of time passing. In 10 years Cleo may be 15 or so.

Life is unknown and really quite unplannable. I am still adjusting to being out of school and to settling in a city. I have just landed my first professional permanent job. Those in their early 30s are seen, by some, to be the new 20's. I am one of those - lots of education - before the workforce. I know people with PhDs who talk about part of the maturation process not happening for years because of being in school.

I hope in 10 years I will still be seeking God's mercy.

My foot MUST get better... (plus Cleo pictures)

Above is my foot being elevated and iced. VERY THRILLING I know. It has been my view since Saturday morning.

I am really hoping that I am on the mend. I just hobbled about and my foot did not hurt as much when I was upright. I am hoping this is a real improvement, i.e. not because it is numbed by ice. I am getting really bored and am increasingly enthusiastic and anxious to get back on my feet, or to walk well on crutches. Besides, I want to buy that Black Bag that I did not buy the morning of the accident.

Since my main activity this week has been sitting in bed, I took lots of pictures of Cleo, the Cutest Cat in Canada. Here are two of my favourites:

Cleo the Introspective Cat

Cleo the Curious Cat

Clearly she is the the Cutest Cat in Canada. :)

My sister has a friend who has been on bed rest for a long time now, as her pregnancy is high risk. I did not realize what a blessing my sister is to this friend and what it means to only be able to get up to use the bathroom. Even I can get up and get ice in my kitchen. (Mind you my apartment is a total to 2 rooms plus bathroom, i.e. small and easily navigable).

I did not know what it is like to be dependant on visitors, to not be able to just walk out the door and get my mail, go for a walk. I really hope that these 5 days (thus far) will make me grateful for every step I am able to take...

The last two nights have been hard - my foot seems to hurt the most then. Perhaps because it was being iced as much as it is during the day.

Here's to hoping that by tomorrow I can call my employer (who I called on Tuesday) and say I am coming, even if it is on crutches. I just want to resume my life!

My Cat Cleo

Well, about 4 hours before I got my foot run over, I bought a digital camera. Here is a picture I took of Cleo while lying in bed, with foot elevated and being iced. She is Cute. You must admit.

It has been really hot here - I have woken up not only feeling very sore and stiff from the accident, but incredibly parched. Every glass of water that my friends have given me has reminded me of Christ's words... giving a glass of water in His name.

A dear and valued friend of mine installed my A/C today while I sat gingerly on a chair, foot iced on a pillow on chair. I ordered us pizza for lunch and now my kitchen is cooling off.

This morning the family that adopted me here called and brought me breakfast - hot buckwheat, tomatoes and cold chicken - a very Slavic morning meal - all that was missing was a glass of red wine or vodka!

I am so blessed.

Various and varying things

the list:

1. i am doing a job application. due friday. prayers welcome.
2. i am going to see my Oma this weekend - she is 99 - this means i am missing church but my Oma is 99 and i will DV also see my parents and aunts and uncles. i am flying to Brampton and my ears are still a bit plugged. am taking decongestants, chewing gum, etc.
3. some of my books from my parents house are coming with my parents and will be greyhounded to ottawa. many of these books i have not had with me since 2004.
4. i am drinking tea in the kitchen and Cleo is sitting on my gold chair. Bach is playing in the background.

back to my resume.

oh. i think i still like being a librarian. i really actually want to keep my job where i am at, but they cannot yet tell me if i will have anything past May 29 so i have to keep my options open.

okay. back to work...