(50) ~ Canadian Thanksgiving 2019

What a good day this turned out to be...

I had some moments of sadness (Cleo's absence esp) but 

felt so glad that I FINALLY baked the turtle bars

(though I clearly made an error in making the 3rd little one, as I needed more

topping but will make it work...)

I also need to rewrite the recipe for these bars, perhaps tomorrow! 

***

We enjoyed hot turtle bar right before dinner...

I got out my little Canadian flag tray that I got at IKEA in Ottawa

before I moved, with the purpose of having Canadian Thanksgiving

in my new life with Mr Husband... 

***

Oh, to answer Granny Marigold's question about if I knew,

when I met my then boyfriend now Mr Husband for the first time

in Ottawa for Canadian Thanksgiving weekend...

if I knew he was going to become my Husband....

We had been emailing since later July of that year and, as we

were both older (I was then 34 and he was past 45), 

we were not dating to just 'have fun' dating.

Both of us do not see life that way - as in we would never had just 

dated without the hope of marriage. 

We talked about it tonight and we both agreed even on the same wording,

we would not have wanted to invest in a long distance relationship if there

was not a very distinct chance at marriage.

Actually Mr Husband is the only man I dated and I got my wish,

to date only one person and marry him! 

So by the time we met, I was already thinking marriage,

though we were still in the making-sure-this-was-indeed-a-good-thing

stage of things.... I knew more when I visited him in November in NJ

and even more when my Oma died and my now Husband then boyfriend

went to the funeral with me; he met so many relatives, as my Mom

is the youngest of 8 children and all my Aunts and Uncles are

grandparents by now and had all at least 2-3 children each themselves...

then I knew... and by December we were talking wedding plans... not sure

exactly how/when that happened but so it was... !

***

I really feel that my marriage to Mr Husband is really one of the 

miracles of God in my life, in our life.

And it is one that we ask God to protect every night;

we always pray for our marriage, as life is not easy

and marriage is a joy but also work and needs to be 

continually bathed in prayer.

Anyone who has been married more than a few years will tell you,

there are highs and lows in marriage, just like they are in life itself.

Prayer, communication, a willingness to see oneself and the other in truth

(i.e. you see not only one's failings but the other's point of view etc.)

and a good sense of humour are all 

"bare necessities" for a long lasting marriage...!

And I really feel that asking God for protection for one's marriage 

is so important; it is too easy to think one has it made already,

that one's marriage is a sure thing without work and prayer ... I believe that

living like this can lead to heartbreak...

***

Well, on to other things.... I practiced the makeup for the wedding,

got it down to 30 minutes, I am sure soon it will be 20 minutes with 

a bit more practice.  I am pleased with my progress!

***

I did so much laundry today! 

I had found some more great thick towels at the VNA rummage sale

and boy do I love the luxury of such

soft thick towels that I got for only a few dollars!

***

I listened to more of Tolkien's Silmarillion while I was

sort and folding laundry...

***

I also talked with my Grandma and later my Mom,

when I was washing dishes, before I made the 

turtle bars.

***

one of the things I listened to while baking was

this Hobbit music...

I can't really watch the Tolkien movies;

too much for me; 

I'd rather read them or listen to them any day,

but I enjoy some of the sound track...

***

Tomorrow I hope to go to NYC to my library and that really cheers me up.

I have somewhere to go now, 

a place to do work, even if slowly, on my writing,

a routine, familiar faces, a trip by PATH and subway that I have done

various times and that I enjoy.

This is really one of the turns for me for the better in my life.

Really helps me not only with the loss of Cleo but 

with when the weeks are long and I don't have anyone in particular to see.

So I find that this library makes all the difference for me,

at least in this part of my life,

this chapter of it, that is.

***

Well, it is beyond time for me to seek to sleep.

May God bless and protect us all!

And help us when things are difficult, exhausting,

worrying and a huge struggle... 

(Day 9) without Cleo: buffet finished, falafel and fire trucks

The page below (which I recommend reading!)

is from the introduction by Glady's Tabor's daughter

who assisted in the publication and wrote the introduction to the book

Still Cove Journal by her Mother, 

published after Glady's (and later her cat Amber) died. 

When I read the introduction, I felt waves of sadness about my dear 

Cleo Cat dying and being gone.  

Later this afternoon the feeling was quite deep

 and it's not an easy emotion to have; each day the grief is wound

up in a different way, like strands of thread slowly being discovered,

each a distinct colour, some vivid, some indistinct. 

I can tell I am going to love reading Gladys Tabor and am so so glad

for authors who clearly have provided comfort for others.

I also have Glady's book on her cat Amber, though I have not read it yet.

I bought it this summer, before I knew my Cleo Cat was dying.

I did not know that this book was one of Glady's last.

I can see how God is dropping pebbles in the beach that I am walking

unexpectedly, with the loss of my Cleo Cat. 

The comfort she had given me over the years was so much,

the loss of her is going to take some time.

And I remember telling my Mom on Monday, when I was still in tears actually,

that at the beginning of this summer I had no idea that at the end of the summer,

I would lose my Cleo Cat.

My Mom's sentiment, that it is often best not to know in advance these things,

is haunting me a bit more than normal... 

I guess because I know my Mom has lived long enough to really experience this.

***

I am slowly reading Mother Alexandra's book, that she wrote when she was still 

married and was Princess Ileana of Romania, 

I Live Again which is, so far, the story of her life before she came to the States

and how the war and her exile from Romania, the country she loved with all her heart,

was like her dying before she died.  

She had to learn to live again and keep living even though her heart was left behind,

in Romania.  It's quite powerful and poignant of a read. 

Tea and a vegan Russian cookie :)

While one one but myself can really tell,

I rearranged some of my pantry. 

If you are newer to my blog, this pantry is a 4x5 closet that my friend N,

when she saw it unused and cluttered when we were doing the house

inspection before buying it, said it would make a great pantry

and I immediately dreamed of wooden shelves in it,

which my father-in-law made come true... 

It's kind of like my own little grocery store, I realize...

And I also realize that I am going to have to start baking again soon

for Christmas and I am so glad I have a good start on the supplies I will need

for this baking! :)  Tomorrow I hope to make the St Phanourios bread for

this Sunday's meal...for our 7th wedding anniversary and Slava

(the meal for one's family's Patron Saint)... 

A card my Mom found at a thrift store, cute eh? :)

I got some pretty German dishes on display on the new buffet... am really pleased 

with this set up! And my Husband loves these dishes, which we picked out 

together at the VNA rummage sale a few years ago... 

Firefighters came suddenly while we were waiting for our falafel to be made...

at least 5 fire trucks! The first picture is of one of the fire fighters with a chain saw

opening up the roof...smoke was coming out of it!

Such dangerous work! God bless the fire fighters!!! 

My Husband (we prayed first!) successfully put the drawer back! 

So now the buffets are all set and if one is not looking closely,

I think they would think that it is one big piece instead of two...

I am glad it's two pieces though, I think for later, 

someday, when we DV move from our condo,

it will be nice to have them small and easier to place in a new 

home, one that we have no idea of now other than the idea of 

something after this one. 

(We have no plans on moving at present, just a vague notion of not 

retiring one day where we now live).

Sorry for the blurry picture above!

I was talking with my Mom on the phone the other day and

refilling our soap dispensers and did not realize that I put 

liquid hand soap in the liquid dish soap dispenser...

today I fixed that...luckily the Dutch Delft hand soap dispenser

was needing a refill and I poured it all out and refilled the 

one on top (in this picture, which is plastic and therefore lightweight

when empty and dripping out the last bits) with liquid dish soap.

I thought it was a funny mistake to make... :)

***

Oh, I forgot if I mentioned that our friend told me,

whose land we buried Cleo on, in a lovely garden,

that her grave is fine, he checks it every day.

Such a comfort... 

***

Well, tomorrow I hope to bake the bread I mentioned 

and do laundry and begin preparing for the Slava / Wedding Anniversary 

meal! I got the groceries for it today

and have a list of all that I need to do! 

One of the things I did at the library yesterday was make these lists... 

***

I was sent this beautiful music today

It's worth a listen.

***

It is so good to stay in today and be with God.

I can't say I am good at doing this yet

but it really is the only way.

***

God bless each of you...

Beginning of day 3 (without Cleo)

Grief is a funny thing; one minute I will be thinking of Cleo but fine and just minutes later, I look at a picture of her (for example) and teeter on tears immediately as a wave of sadness comes.  I mentioned that I broke the bowl that I had for Cleo of ice cream after she died? that it slipped out of my hand? Mr Husband had rinsed it out at the sink in the vet room and I was about to dry it with a kleenex when it slipped out of my hand. I had a bunch of them; there are 4 left now; I used them for Cleo; I found them at the side of the road in Ottawa just down the street from my apartment.  I miss her so much.

I am so glad that I knew she was dying; I was so afraid I would have to put her to sleep when she was still functioning; she really declined so fast.  The relief I feel in this grows. 

I am also so so glad I was able to bury her and shroud her in my vintage (at least 1980s?) pink towel, my favourite one; that I had for many years, that was in my Mom's linen closet. 

When my Husband picked up the pieces of the broken little bowl just minutes after Cleo died, he gave it to one of the vet techs took it for us.  The sound of it being thrown into the garbage was so loud and final.  Horrible.  I am so glad we did not leave her body with them, as kind as they were to us.  I am so glad that I was able to care for her sweet furry beautiful body and seal it with that pink towel so it would not get dirt on it but also the towel was thin enough that it will disintegrate well with her body. 

My husband reminded me of what my Ottawa Ukrainian other would say when a glass would break: for happiness. 

Oh Cleo, how I miss you.

This is a picture from 2011, so classic Cleo when she was much younger. 

This picture is in this post and it is so sweet.  I will post the parts about Cleo below.

Here's a picture from yesterday;

Cleo does not like it when I leave her for the balcony [...]

..... The other day I forgot to let her lick my cereal bowl

so I made an impromptu mistake :)

Let her have milk in her little bowl.

Yeah, so guess who looked at my empty bowl recently

with disdain,

waiting milk in her bowl!

Guess who didn't get milk despite the wailing meows.

I tell you the amount attention that cat gets... [...]

1. Did you know that Cleo was not mine as a kitten?

Nope, she was a dear friend (hi friend!) of mine's

who had to give her to me due to allergies.

2. Cleo when she first lived with me hid under my gold chair

that first full day, after moving homes and countries

(she like me is a native Michigan dweller)

until I called my friend and Cleo heard her on speaker phone

and then came out from under the chair.

For the next months she would often hide until

I would sing to her, using her name

cleo, cleo how i love you, cleo cleo yes it's true

cleo cleo cleo i love you..

That was some years ago now... [....]

Anyway,

there's the story of things you probably did not know about me

and my beloved Cleo Cat too!

whole post of this is here. 

On the Fourth Day of Christmas...

The last 2 scarlet Fiestaware pieces that I ordered 

(with 30.00 off + 2 more discounts) 

finally came last night! 

2 small casserole dishes, 2 medium serving bowls, 2 salsa bowls and 2 fruit bowls. 

I have used many of these for my epic Christmas baking 

and the casserole dishes, one was used last night, perfect size for smaller things!

 I love these so much! And that they are USA made! 

The sunlight this morning....

My super cute rose bag, a Christmas gift, was with me on my 

first outing on light rail for the year!

It's really a perfect little bag and I am just loving it!

I went to the local grocery store and, in wandering the cheese/bread aisle, realized

it would be so wonderful to make pizza for dinner!

Took me forever to find the pepperoni! 

I know just where it is in our old town grocers that we moved

away 3 years ago but had not looked for it here...

esp. as we often have groceries delivered...

So the pizza was really quite delicious!!! 

The pepperoni I bought (applegate) was really good,

and I usually don't like pepperoni! 

***

So, I did an 'oops' .... while I had a fleeting thought

about heat and glass, I put the pizza on 

my pretty very thick cut glass platter....

and the heat broke it clean in half!

I was so BUMMED.

But... (coming out of my spending $ for the year...)

I found a well-priced replacement platter,

the exact same one, on Etsy! 

So the one I broke we actually found (in perfect condition!)

at a 'free' stand at the side of the road a few

years ago near our far-away church...

so obviously the replacement was not free like that find was!

But I loved that plate

and it was perfect for serving various things...

clearly NOT for hot things like pizza out of the oven!

Lesson learned, again... 

***

Well, my day was good, in that I got a lot done

and went out and had a walk and did shopping by light rail.

That was great.

I am having a very small Christmas Lunch this Saturday.

I am preparing for that.

This day though I found a bit hard...

I was oddly anxious this morning...eventually I was able to

redirect myself enough to get past that, with God's help of course...

and this afternoon different times I felt well...

a lot of impatience I guess and tiredness.

I was feeling out of breath strangely and congested on Monday and now I felt it 

a bit again today; if I feel that again tomorrow,

I will talk to a nurse about it. 

I had felt fine yesterday...

***

Well, my Husband brought home cute flowers,

we watched a Little House on the Prairie Christmas

and ate salad, pizza and popcorn while doing this.

That was really fun and while I broke my nice 

platter, the pizza really was quite good!

***

So tomorrow is a cleaning day and doing some

Saturday lunch prep + other things.

Thankfully the laundry, other than bed sheets, is caught up!

I know I need a 'rest day' soon but for now feel

that I have to be more in 'go mode' so that I am sure

all gets done for Saturday.

But I will take pockets of rest too, 

I made that mistake early in my marriage, to not rest

and slow down, and then I got mono for months.

So I am more careful now....which is one of the reasons

I am having only a small Christmas lunch this year...

I am really excited to have this little lunch!

***

Menu:

~cranberry and cheese hor'dorves

~roast pork in slow cooker from this recipe

~special mashed potatoes (with garlic and shallots!)

~green salad 

~green beans or other cooked green

~cranberry sauce (?)

~bread and butter 

And I hope a chocolate raspberry torte!

And French Vanilla Ice Cream 

***

It will be so delicious and special!!!

***

Meanwhile, well... I've been struggling with the culture I live in 

and the same culture I see inside of myself... I love beautiful dishes 

and lovely things... but I have this love/hate relationship with buying things

and with the fact that I have such material blessings - so many beautiful dishes,

so much in terms of treats and food and tea, that I find myself either feeling

guilty or worse about it.... it's really not a simple thing in terms of what it means

to be a Christian and to be doing what Christ wants...

buying things can be a form of greed or even lust (for things, for more)

and I struggle a lot with this, have for many years.

I love beauty. I love dishes, come from a dish-loving dish-collecting family.

But well, it's just not simple.  

Ironic that I quickly replaced the broken platter when I am thinking on 

such topics; I just hope that I can keep sharing what I have

and be hospitable and make meals and special occasions a blessing for others.

***

I am grateful for my new fiestaware dishes; the red bowls

we are finding perfect for popcorn, the little bowls are used for cooking

(just perfect for putting measuring spoons in or using for cracked egg shells)

so it's not that I am buying what I am not using, that is the issue.

***

I guess I just know keenly how martially rich I am in my kitchen

and in all of my beautiful dishes.

my red kitchenaid mixers - I have loved these since I was an 

undergrad and spent time at my English Prof's house.

His wife had a one of these in red and I loved it and her home

and how she cooked and baked so well (and was a doctorate as well!) and

knew that one day I hoped for one of these mixers 

and now I have it and I just know that it is a real privilege to have one.

I do love mine and use it often, it's a real blessing.

***

So I guess part of my struggle is that

one one hand I *must* see all I have as a blessing and be thankful

but on the other hand still have to try to grow in the virtues of 

not-wanting-more... it's hard to know how to best see this.

And I am reading that book on Soviet cooking and the huge

lack of food that they had and well, it may sound crazy,

but I have a real fear of lack.  

I really think it is from my Oma (not her fault but rather that I read

a small blurb about how we can inherit struggles from our grandparents 

in our emotional-make up) and my Oma went through WWII in Holland 

and for sure went hungry to try to ensure her 7 children had enough

(she had 8 children, the youngest being my Mom, who was born after WWII).

My Grandma lived through the great depression as a child, and had 

to live with her Grandparents and maiden Aunt but she remembers this

as a happy time, though one when people had to do without;

she wishes she had her Mother's recipe for an Orange Cake with boiled frosting,.... 

I have looked for it before... when I do and find one with cream,

she is quick to say her Mom would not have had the money to buy cream...

***

Also I feel that the US is plunging towards more poverty and that

the division between rich/poor is growing rapidly.

No longer are factories providing a salary that one could have a 

modest home, a car and even a modest vacation.

And I see this in so many ways.

***

I grew up always having enough but it was rare to have new clothes,

until about high school age. 

And I remember my dreams when I was doing my library school degree.

I was not fully focused on 'things' but also had dreams of

a job and being able to go to a store and be able to buy things.

Of course I had no idea how hard those working years would be...

***

I remember moments of deep happiness in my small but tall celiinged

studio in London Ontario.

I had no oven, just 2 burners and a small toaster oven

I got at a garage sale and dishes that I got for 5.00.

My rent was just under 400.00 a month, believe it or not!

My fridge was just a bar fridge, I bought a mini-freezer...

which I think my parents had later but I am not sure who has it now!

***

It's hard to believe that my school days were just over in the summer of 2006,

just 12 years ago! I don't think when I was in my 20s that I knew that 12 years could be a real

life-time ago in feel... and in experience... in 2012 I got married, now in 2018 I have

been married over 5 years, we own a home (condo), I have a beautiful

place to live and don't have the stress to provide rent money for myself.

I never knew that would happen to me and it remains a mystery and miracle of God.

***

Well, I sure know one thing: I am so thankful for what I have

and know that with God's mercy, we 

can face tomorrow, no matter what unfolds...

I often feel that now I am in a time of 'plenty' but that a time of 'famine' may

happen like it did to the Israelites and with God's help,

we can face whatever comes.

***

Meanwhile, I hope to continue to grow in hospitality and 

having others over to enjoy tea, lunch, dinner or even breakfast...

***

I have been listening to this again today and yesterday, 

and most of it I find very calming.

Remembering

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!

*

I am thinking a lot about my childhood these days, so many memories.  My Grandma had a good friend she would go out for Brunch with Saturday mornings and she would sometimes take me a long and her friend would take her granddaughter too and so us two kids would play together after eating some food.  I remember one Saturday it was just pouring rain and we were at Burger King and there was a fun play area outdoors there.  The other girl and I played in the rain that day, totally drenched and I remember how fun it is.  This playmate I only saw when our Grandmas got together  is now one who my husband and I are praying for this girl who is now a mother of three; she has thyroid cancer.  Name is Colleen. Please remember her.

The Last year(s) and today

Lent 2011.
How joyous but hard Lent is!
When I am in Great Lent it often feels long,
hard and we just struggle and want it to be over
but later it seems light or even joyful.
I wrote this in Great Lent in 2011 and quoted
an article on marriage that
I did not realize the same year I would be emailing it
to my future husband.
If you have not read this article,
I strongly recommend it.

Holy and Great Friday.
In Ottawa I always brought roses.
How special this time was,
how deep!
To be able to be in Church with Christ on
this Somber and Holy Day.

I remember blogging this;
I found this basket used for
a very inexpensive price...
which I brought to Pascha again
this year with Mr. Husband...
*
On Holy Friday that year I used the basket
to bring the roses for Christ's burial
and had them in the basket;
it felt so beautiful to be walking to church
in the sunshine with a basket of roses.
A woman near to my apartment asked
if I was Ukrainian as it seemed
like my basket was for Pascha,
which was a few days away.
I found out that this woman went to
the Ukrainian church in town...
it was such a joyful and holy time...

That summer I found this book
at the Greek Festival...

Being Orthodox brings so much beauty
to my life...
The first time I talked to Mr. Husband on the phone,
I remember standing by these icons,
feeling very solidly that the ground under my feet
was shifting and that my whole life
was changing,
that I was standing on the precipice of something
new, that would flip my world in circles
for a while...
And so it was....

 

My sister friend and I went to
the Greek monastery late that August and
it was,
we did not realize,
St. Phanourios' day...
*
St. Phanourios who has helped so many people
by his prayers...
*
I was already talking with Mr. Husband
who I had not yet met in person and
I was in the throes of the early stages of love.
I indeed asked for help at the monastery
as I was praying as sincerely as I could
for a man who I already felt could indeed
become my husband.
*
And so in God's mercy it was.
Through the mercy of God in just over a year,
Mr. Husband and I were married on
St. Phanourios' day...
*
And I introduced Mr. Husband,
who was then my unmarried Orthoman,
to you all by way of St. Phanourios...
*
It is so good to remember God's mercies in my life.
It is also important to still seek God's mercy now,
to never assume that the battle is over,
as indeed,
it will be a fight until our last breath.
*
Fr. Thomas Hopko speaks of this:
"Have no expectations, except to be fiercely tempted to your very last breath. St. Anthony said it. He said: “A truly wise person knows the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, true and false and clings fiercely to what is good, true, and beautiful, but fully expects to be tested, to be tried, and to be tempted til his very last breath.” He said that without being tempted, no one can enter God’s Kingdom—without temptation, no salvation. The whole life of a man on Earth is a trial, according to Scripture. Job said it. So we are being tried every moment, we should expect it. We should never expect the trial to go away. We don’t ask God to take our crosses away. We ask for the power to carry them. God doesn’t tempt anybody. But in the providence of God, we are tested all the time so that our salvation can be ours, and that we could be victorious by the victory of Christ."
(see here for the rest).
*
Now is a new day for all of us,
whether we are in the same struggle that we seem to
be facing for many years
or we are in a newer situation,
trying to figure out which way to go,
God's mercy is new every morning.
*
We must face each day with God...
to seek God and His mercy,
sometimes it seems too easy to forget
to do just that.

Remembering...

 This weekend to come is 
in a lot of ways an anniversary for me...

*
I first heard of Mr. Husband about this time
two years ago...
*
By the end of the summer we were
already in regular contact...

Holy Dormition 2011.

The first time Mr. Husband came
to meet me in Ottawa
we had this dinner.
*
I was still in the midst of a new job,
one that I still, to this day,
Thank God that He gave me for two months
and then took it away.
So thankful,
though it was hard at the time.
So friends pretty much made all of the food and
we set the table together
and my very first dinner with Mr. Husband
was one surrounded with good friends.

And this very good dessert.

On Thanksgiving proper
it was unseasonably warm;
in the 80s F.
I took Mr. Husband to my favourite tree
and my favourite walk.

 

It was such a special and joyous time for us.
*
I always wanted to date only one man
and marry him.
God in His mercy gave me my wish.
I had to wait until I was 34 to meet him
but it was worth waiting.
*
One of my friends told me that her spiritual father
once told her
God has special surprises waiting for you
and for me Mr. Husband was and is
one of the best unexpected events in my life.