(50) ~ Canadian Thanksgiving 2019

What a good day this turned out to be...

I had some moments of sadness (Cleo's absence esp) but 

felt so glad that I FINALLY baked the turtle bars

(though I clearly made an error in making the 3rd little one, as I needed more

topping but will make it work...)

I also need to rewrite the recipe for these bars, perhaps tomorrow! 

***

We enjoyed hot turtle bar right before dinner...

I got out my little Canadian flag tray that I got at IKEA in Ottawa

before I moved, with the purpose of having Canadian Thanksgiving

in my new life with Mr Husband... 

***

Oh, to answer Granny Marigold's question about if I knew,

when I met my then boyfriend now Mr Husband for the first time

in Ottawa for Canadian Thanksgiving weekend...

if I knew he was going to become my Husband....

We had been emailing since later July of that year and, as we

were both older (I was then 34 and he was past 45), 

we were not dating to just 'have fun' dating.

Both of us do not see life that way - as in we would never had just 

dated without the hope of marriage. 

We talked about it tonight and we both agreed even on the same wording,

we would not have wanted to invest in a long distance relationship if there

was not a very distinct chance at marriage.

Actually Mr Husband is the only man I dated and I got my wish,

to date only one person and marry him! 

So by the time we met, I was already thinking marriage,

though we were still in the making-sure-this-was-indeed-a-good-thing

stage of things.... I knew more when I visited him in November in NJ

and even more when my Oma died and my now Husband then boyfriend

went to the funeral with me; he met so many relatives, as my Mom

is the youngest of 8 children and all my Aunts and Uncles are

grandparents by now and had all at least 2-3 children each themselves...

then I knew... and by December we were talking wedding plans... not sure

exactly how/when that happened but so it was... !

***

I really feel that my marriage to Mr Husband is really one of the 

miracles of God in my life, in our life.

And it is one that we ask God to protect every night;

we always pray for our marriage, as life is not easy

and marriage is a joy but also work and needs to be 

continually bathed in prayer.

Anyone who has been married more than a few years will tell you,

there are highs and lows in marriage, just like they are in life itself.

Prayer, communication, a willingness to see oneself and the other in truth

(i.e. you see not only one's failings but the other's point of view etc.)

and a good sense of humour are all 

"bare necessities" for a long lasting marriage...!

And I really feel that asking God for protection for one's marriage 

is so important; it is too easy to think one has it made already,

that one's marriage is a sure thing without work and prayer ... I believe that

living like this can lead to heartbreak...

***

Well, on to other things.... I practiced the makeup for the wedding,

got it down to 30 minutes, I am sure soon it will be 20 minutes with 

a bit more practice.  I am pleased with my progress!

***

I did so much laundry today! 

I had found some more great thick towels at the VNA rummage sale

and boy do I love the luxury of such

soft thick towels that I got for only a few dollars!

***

I listened to more of Tolkien's Silmarillion while I was

sort and folding laundry...

***

I also talked with my Grandma and later my Mom,

when I was washing dishes, before I made the 

turtle bars.

***

one of the things I listened to while baking was

this Hobbit music...

I can't really watch the Tolkien movies;

too much for me; 

I'd rather read them or listen to them any day,

but I enjoy some of the sound track...

***

Tomorrow I hope to go to NYC to my library and that really cheers me up.

I have somewhere to go now, 

a place to do work, even if slowly, on my writing,

a routine, familiar faces, a trip by PATH and subway that I have done

various times and that I enjoy.

This is really one of the turns for me for the better in my life.

Really helps me not only with the loss of Cleo but 

with when the weeks are long and I don't have anyone in particular to see.

So I find that this library makes all the difference for me,

at least in this part of my life,

this chapter of it, that is.

***

Well, it is beyond time for me to seek to sleep.

May God bless and protect us all!

And help us when things are difficult, exhausting,

worrying and a huge struggle... 

{reminiscing}: marriage, roses and the icon of the Holy Trinity

 

(photo by bryan and mae)

*

I am putting rose petals by the icons,

one of the last things I did before

I was married.

Last time I wore only my engagement ring,

which you can see on my finger...

*

I read somewhere that to be married and 

to serve within marriage

is to serve the Holy Trinity.

{Our time in PEI} ~ Gran's Haven ~ Our Blue Bedroom

Lovely wall paper, a sleigh bed, lace and wood floors.

 Dolls and period lamps...

A beautiful face of a time gone by.

*

I kept thinking when I was in PEI:

this bedroom is very adequate in the sense of

a British home where all is there

but all is essential. 

*

I found myself wishing to use the pitcher and bowl for washing

one's face and I did enjoy some time reading books

in this room; including the forward to Lewis' 

A Grief Observed by Madeleine L'Engle that a new but

did not feel new to me friend at the wedding said

is the main thing she remembers reading of Lewis' book.

*

It seemed somehow though appropriate,

that one reads of marriages that lasted till death parted them

on that weekend of my dear friend S. wedding

where so many gathered to celebrate the joining of 

a couple in Holy Matrimony, that creating a unity of one 

from two lives;

weddings are like a birth and marriage is a 

long fulfillment and working out of that birth. 

Marriage ~ a few last things

 

(picture by our wonderful photographers)

12. Patience as you get routines down

When one is newly married, it takes time
to settle in and get new routines.
Same with any significant change ~ job, child, a move.
It takes time and things often
do not go as quick as one would like.
Just realizing and accepting this can really help.

13.  Family Meetings 

Something that helps Mr. Husband and I
is having family meetings.
These sometimes are to discuss something that
is bothering us.
They are also used to discuss what we need to get done
in the following week,
or what each other's priorities are and
figuring out how to prioritize things together.

When having family meetings,
especially when they have to do with something that is
bothering you or your spouse,
(avoiding green-stamping as we discussed earlier)
it is important to remind oneself of the big picture:
that the person you married is much better and more than
the problem you see attached to them.
Another very important key is when one is discussing
something that merits a 'this is bothering me' conversation
it is important to remind the other person that
you love them and that whatever the person is doing
while it is bothering you in some way,
it does not mean or equal to a failure on the other person's part.

Sometimes it is sadly easy to 'point a figure' at the other person
and forget that it is only one aspect of that person AND
that you yourself have probably done the same thing
or worse.

Giving the person time, the benefit of the doubt
and assurances of one's love for them is important
during this time.

And it is so easy to forget this in what we call
'the heat of the moment.'

14. Flexibility 

Things change quickly sometimes.

For myself and Mr. Husband,
my getting mono in month 5 of our marriage
changed a lot of things
in rapid succession.

All of a sudden all the things I loved doing as a wife,
cooking, cleaning, baking, grocery shopping, laundry
for instance
I was unable to do.

We have to figure out new ways of doing things.
Some of our solutions were
ordering groceries, sending some laundry out when it got bad, etc.

Everyone will have different solutions
when something like this happens.
It takes some time to figure it out
but it can be done.

Sometimes one also has to accept that
sometimes one's standards have to be lowered.
That fully orderly house or
having fresh baked goods
or no laundry in the hamper
may not happen.
And that is OK.

Of course if you live near family or friends,
don't be afraid to ask for help.

For myself,
I had to learn to communicate more on a daily basis
on how I felt and what I felt I could or could not do.

15. Monastery Visits

Visiting health monasteries is a boon to anyone,
including married couples.
We can be given a short respite,
new strength,
inspiration and courage to go on in our daily lives.
We are introduced often through these visits also
to very good spiritual literature that can help us
as families.

*

So,
these are the lessons I am aware of learning so far!
We are nearing our first year anniversary!
The biggest thing I or my husband
or anyone could say though is that it is ALL done by
God's mercy.

Our Lord Jesus Christ is the Source of ALL good,
of all mercy, of all redemption.

With the Lord,
the Church and all the Saints,
our Guardian Angels,
our marriage can be protected
and the rough patches can be weathered
by the grace and mercy of God.

*

From what I understand every marriage
goes through times of trial and of struggle.
But I also understand that with God's mercy,
we and our marriages can survive and
we pray even flourish!

As one older woman told me recently,
there are peaks and valleys
but God is with us through them all.








*Note: As is obvious as I am married less than 1 year:  My lessons learned on marriage are ongoing and of course are not replacing the many good sources on marital harmony or help. Talking to one's priest, 
to a counselor whose goal is to sustain marriages and many books may be of help.
 A few books I know of on marriage are found here.

Marriage ~ A series of Lessons Learned

 
(picture by our wonderful photographers)

To continue my writing on
things I am learning in my
still first year of marriage...
Things that help build, feed or nurture a marriage,
as I have experienced it thus far:

9.  Church Family 

Going to church as a couple is a vital routine to build
in the early days of one's marriage.
We are blessed to have a church family here in NJ as
my husband has lived here for sometime.
As this church is far away,
we are also going to a closer church for vespers on Saturday
and other services as life dictates.
Having a near by church is a real blessing as
one can begin to build friendships with other Christians
who one can see locally as life and time permits.
Our 'far-away' church is a blessing as we can serve
quietly in it as our abilities allow.

*

Church family is a group of people who come to liturgy
to receive Christ through prayer, Holy Communion, Confession
and by worshiping together.

Church family is something that often develops over time
and the first step to having it is to find
a healthy church and commit to going to the weekly
services as much as one can.

10. Biological Family

If you are blessed with one or two healthy families of
your and your husbands,
you are really blessed.

Seeking out biological or 'adopted' family that can be
sources of encouragement, help and support is really
important.

If you have neither,
I would pray and ask God.
As you can, be hospitable as sometimes community and
family is built over time.

Now one of my dear friends has said over the years that
family is messy.

There's no denying that we humans can have our
quirks and complications.
Patience, time, forgiveness and all sorts of things can be needed.

Persistence, phone calls, emails and efforts to communicate
are ways one can maintain family ties when
family is spread out over many miles, countries, states or continents.

Having loving and honest conversations about one's family
can be a really good thing.

Never doubt the power and mercy of God and prayer.

11.  Grace

I bought the book on relationships after
reading the section in it on grace and forgiveness.
Remembering that the other person is human
and needs patience, time and grace
is really important.
Sometimes we can forget that the other person has
their own set of needs and concerns
and that they may not match yours.
That everyone can have an off day or be tired or
need some time.
I find just remembering this can be helpful.





*Note: As is obvious since I have been married less than one year:  my lessons learned on marriage are ongoing and of course are not replacing the many good sources on marital harmony or help. Talking to one's priest, to a counselor whose goal is to sustain marriages and many books may be of help.
 A few books I know of on marriage are found here.

Marriage ~ a series of lessons

 

(our wedding crowns on our wedding day,
picture by our wonderful photographers). 

Two things on marriage
I wanted to focus on today
from what I've learned in the first
almost year of marriage*.

1. No 'green stamping' 

My husband told me of this term.
A quick Google search did not turn up
much to explain it,
so this will have to do:
It is a metaphor for when someone has
had some frustrations or disagreements that
they are not mentioning in a relationship
but they are being imprinted or 'stamped' in
one's emotional cheque-book as it were
and if the green stamps continue to accrue,
eventually the book is full
and the person suddenly explodes,
having had unspoken frustrations building for sometime.

1b. Humility is knowing oneself

The other part I have found of not 'green-stamping' is
the imperative to seek humility.
Humility,
my spiritual father taught me years ago,
is knowing yourself.

Kathleen Norris writes on this in
The Cloister Walk in her essay
"Good Old Sin" in which she says:
the goal of the monks was to know themselves
as they truly were,
warts and all, 
and to be able to call it "good," not in order to 
excuse bad behavior,
but to accept the self without delusions. 
The point was to know the material you are working with,
in order to give a firmer foundation to your hope for change.
~ Kathleen Norris, The Cloister Walk (page 128).

While it is important to not let everything slide
and 'green stamp' like crazy,
so it is important to realize that you too are a sinner.
You too drive the other person crazy sometimes. 

It is also really helpful to do what my husband calls
'sandwiching' which is quite simply
sandwiching your criticism with a nice thing before,
a nice thing after.

Remind yourself and your spouse what
you like about them.
Constructively and with as much kindness as you can
muster,
say what is troubling you.
Say it without attacking the other person.
Say it in love, not anger.

When angry,
give yourself sometime to cool down.
If you failed and burst out angry,
go, cool down and when able, seek forgiveness for the
outburst.

Forgive quickly.
How many times my spiritual father in Ottawa
encouraged us to do this!
How hard it is for us.
How hard it is for me.
*
Let go of the wrong.**
Let it go.
Forget it.

Accept that you all make mistakes...

Seek to figure out how to right the situation ~
this can take time, communication and prayer.

2. The listening exercise.

This one we learned in our marriage counseling conference
we went to before we were married.

It is simple and goes like this:

One person talks for two minutes and the other person listens.
Then the listener tells the other person what they heard
the other say.
Talk about this.

Then the other talks and the other listens for two minutes
the listener then saying to the one who was speaking
what they heard them say.
Talk about this.

*

Pray.
Pray often.
Pray little prayers.
Pray for help when you are having a
conflict.
As the Mother of God for help
and protection.
Do not despair.






*Note: As is obvious as I am married less than one year: My lessons learned on marriage are ongoing and of course are not replacing the many good sources on marital harmony or help. Talking to one's priest, 
to a counselor whose goal is to sustain marriages and many books may be of help.
 A few books I know of on marriage are found here.
** When I am referring to wrongs here I am NOT referring to ANY sort of abuse but
rather interpersonal conflicts that often arise between people. 

Marriage ~ things that help us

 

(photo by our wonderful wedding photographers)

Here are a few more lessons* on what helps us:

4. Laughter

Having a sense of humour is really helpful.
Sometimes,
when Mr. Husband and I have a disagreement,
cracking a joke not only
breaks the tension
but distracts us and puts us back in a more
relaxed ready to love each other position again.
It's magical how much it can help at times.

5. Time Away, Time Together

Sometimes we need a breather to think things though.
It is OK to let the other one know that one
needs time to think about a topic before
talking about it.

Time together where we are outside of
what we normally are doing
can be a real blessing.

Can be as simple as reading out loud to each other
or watching the rare video together.
Or going to a nearby place that is beautiful
and walking around.

Mr. Husband and I both love beauty and taking a walk to
see a some nice architecture is something
we both find enjoyable.

I've seen it in couples also that
have children;
a date night or time away can be really helpful.

6. Reading a Book Out Loud

I am blessed with a husband who loves the things I also love
and we are both open to new things and
loving what the other loves that we did not know of yet.

For me that has meant being introduced
to GK Chesterton and wondering
where his writings have been all my life.

The art of reading out loud used to be one that was
very common and a normal source of entertainment.
I am blessed with a husband who does not
want a TV and we have a lot of joy
in hearing a book with beautiful
turns of phrase
great characters, like Archimandrite Nathaniel in Everyday Saints,
or a long poem that just comes alive when reading it
out loud,
like Chesterton's Ballad of the White Horse.





*Note:  As is obvious since I have been married less than one year... my lessons learned on marriage are ongoing and of course are not replacing the many good sources on marital harmony or help. Talking to one's priest, to a counselor whose goal is to sustain marriages and many books may be of help.
 A few books I know of on marriage are found here.  If anything, you can see my 'lessons learned' as a celebration of what I am learning as a wife and what we have discovered.

Crown them with Glory and Honour

(our wedding crowns, hanging above our bed)

It's been over 10 months since
Mr. Husband and I were crowned in
the sacrament of marriage.
*
So, we hope for many years of marriage.
*
I've been thinking on some of the lessons
we have learned in year almost one...
I am going to do a small series on some of these
lessons*...
*
1. Communication is essential. 

Taking time to talk about things and through things
is really important.
It helps you remain connected and helps
understanding to be built and mutuality.

It is very possible however
that one may need some time before they know what they
think on a topic.

Realizing this can give a balance to things...

2. Ritual of Forgiveness 

Mr. Husband and I know various Orthodox couples
who as a couple or as a family
after prayers ask forgiveness of the other.
It is like a mini forgiveness vespers that
one has in the Orthodox church at the beginning of
Great Lent.
*
Simply put... one says
forgive me a sinner
and the other replies
God forgives, forgive me a sinner
to which you say
God forgives.
*
It is also a wonderful thing to do when
one realizes that they were wrong about something.
Just going up to one's spouse and saying
forgive me a sinner
can begin the healing of whatever may of been
happening at the time.

3. Prayer

Praying for each other daily.
Praying with each other.
Praying for specific needs.
Praying for one's marriage.
Praying to one's Patron Saint.
Praying some prayers together.
Having a lampada lit.
Having a routine of prayer,
no matter how small,
that you seek to do every day.








*Note: While it may be obvious, as I hope it is... my lessons learned on marriage are ongoing and of course are not replacing the many good sources on marital harmony or help. Talking to one's priest, 
to a counselor whose goal is to sustain marriages and many books may be of help.
 A few books I know of on marriage are found here.

Seeing from the inside

(photo from my stellar wedding photographers)

*

It's nearing a year of marriage for

Mr. Husband and I.
Just over 1 month now...

*

I thought I would take some time

to write about how I see things now.

*

I am sure,

God-willing,

that my views will change over time,

but I wanted to capture some moments

and reflections on how things are now. 

* 

The first thing I am thinking on is this:

A lot changes when we are actually in 

the situation of marriage

than when we are outside of it,

single and never having

experienced it.

*

I remember when my sister-friend got married.

We were all on the 

young side of our twenties;

I remember how we all moved a few years after

she and her husband married

to Ottawa from BC

(I being in Michigan and London Ontario

 before reconvening with them in Ottawa)

and how she had to tell me that Saturdays

for her are really busy

with family things

without room for other events.

*

Or how I would hang out with another couple from my church

and hear them talking about time they

needed just as a couple.

*

Or how some of my thoughts on marriage changed

once I was in it.

*

One thing that I don't think
those outside of marriage fully
can understand is that
one can still be lonely.
I know.
The 'L' word.
*
It's OK though to acknowledge,
especially when one moves countries to
marry the one that is right for them,
that there can be some loneliness as
one works towards building a
new community and learns to be
a husband or a wife.

*
But even before I married my
beloved Mr. Husband,
I knew that a woman still is in need of
other friends.
Actually Mr. Husband and I talked about this
before we were married.
*
Here's what I have found to be true:
one is blessed to have a few close friends to
talk things out.
When one hits a wall or needs a new
perspective,
talking to a friend who knows one well,
is committed to Christ and to marriage,
really helps a marriage.
*
Marriage is wonderful.

But it is also a lot of work
and communication at times is done over time
and sometimes time is needed to even know what
one is wanting to communicate.
*
So, for ones like myself
often need outside friends
to talk to figure out what one is thinking
and what is needed for the situation at hand.
A common female trait from what I am told...

*
Marriage also takes a lot of time to
be able to communicate with the other.

You also need a lot of 

 grace, forgiveness and love.
*

I think it is important to never

assume one understands the other 

but instead waits and seeks to listen.

This is something I am still learning to do...

*

It is very important for each of us

not to think we fully understand 

another married couple

or someone who is single

as if we can see and fully understand

the struggles they are battling or

the joys that they suddenly came across,

perhaps after days and years of struggle.

*

I find in the end nothing should be feared

and that marriage just like life

is lived with God and His mercy.

Today's Progress and an update...

 

I am almost done with the top
of this baby blanket.
*
My cousin sent me some pictures of his
little boy.
He's so little!
I am so excited to make things for him,
this new little one;
such a miracle, the birth of a new human being.
The baby is doing well and is still in hospital.
*
So, I had the doctor's phone consult.
Got some things discussed that were really needed,
so that is good.
But let's just hope that the naturopath can help me with this
chronic mono / post-severe mono sickness.
My bio-medical doctor pretty much said
she know of nothing for it other than rest,
adjusting your life to account for the crazy fatigue
and that it is hard.
My naturopath believes it can be cured and has me
on a anti-viral supplement and other things.
*
So I will keep praying,
rest when needed and knit lots and seek to pray.
*
Thank you to each of you who took the time to comment on my blog
yesterday as I asked for prayers.
You are all such blessings to me. 
*
I am about finished with the top row of yellow on the blanket.
I am going to try to teach myself the technique of
picking up stitches.
*
Liked this post on making friends.
It's funny,
the line about don't assume if you are mother that
someone who is single and childless would not like to be
your friend.
My goodness.  
My sister-friend in Ottawa has three children and we are
really close and I used to read to her oldest two
boys before bed on a regular basis!
I talked with her the other day and my godson,
who will be two in October,
is talking and doing little prayers that go like this:
LordhavemercyMama
LordhavemercyDada
LordhavemercyBrother's-name.
I know, CUTE. :)
And good, so proud of his Mommy for instilling prayer
like this....
*
I can't wait to see them again!
I miss seeing my godchild on a regular basis!
*
Well, I best get on with knitting.
Not only do I have my cousin's godchild to knit for,
I have things for my three munchkins in Ottawa,
including the above mentioned godson,
to knit for.
Did I mention I have 15 nieces and nephews too? :)
Lots of scarves to make and hopefully
more complicated things in the future.
*
That elephant is hopefully going to be started next week,
once I get the baby blanket done,
not to mention more stitching for the September School Blanket...
*
Oh, was meaning to mention...
am doing a series of posts starting today
on marriage ~ just what I have learned.
I get a bit worried that somehow someone would think I
know more than I do ~ or something odd like that ~
so I have put a bit of a small print caveat for these posts...
Just to try to stay
hey! I love being married and this is what I have learned so far
but remember I am newly married and am not an 
expert!  
I've written the posts and they will be posted over the
next month...since I have lots of  "going-ons" in August
with family visits happening, etc...
*
So, how is your day looking??
Anything I can pray for you for and light a candle?
So wonderful to have a blog community that
prays for each other!