Tearing down to build up

Christmas tree is down, lights and ornaments packed away carefully.

Lenten icons are up, Christmas icons packed.

I am going home to Western MI in a week's time, 

a week tomorrow.

God willing I will be in church everyday this week, for the beginning 

of Lent, which is called Clean Week.

With yesterday being a feast day and my Husband took the day off for it, 

and then the news of my Aunt K, shocking...;

I was so confused this morning, I thought yesterday was a 2 day weekend 

and that today was Monday.

Why was my friend posting on IG about it being Friday?

Why is it that one minute one is fine and happy and joyful

and the next minute everything changes, dynamically, suddenly

and the sword is thrust in and goes out silently, quickly,

without visible change and yet everything is changed?

I finally did the second book order for my church book sale,

that we thought would be 2 times this Lent, 

this Sunday and then later.

But now there is snow on the way; we don't know if we can travel there

or not and such. 

I've had this icon of Christ the Good Shepard lit for my Aunt;

it is Christ who will take her safely through the valley of death....

I am getting this book on the mystery of death and from the chapter headings, I think

it will be a good read for me right now.

I woke to this song inside me, welling up, expressing everything...

On the Fourth Day of Christmas...

The last 2 scarlet Fiestaware pieces that I ordered 

(with 30.00 off + 2 more discounts) 

finally came last night! 

2 small casserole dishes, 2 medium serving bowls, 2 salsa bowls and 2 fruit bowls. 

I have used many of these for my epic Christmas baking 

and the casserole dishes, one was used last night, perfect size for smaller things!

 I love these so much! And that they are USA made! 

The sunlight this morning....

My super cute rose bag, a Christmas gift, was with me on my 

first outing on light rail for the year!

It's really a perfect little bag and I am just loving it!

I went to the local grocery store and, in wandering the cheese/bread aisle, realized

it would be so wonderful to make pizza for dinner!

Took me forever to find the pepperoni! 

I know just where it is in our old town grocers that we moved

away 3 years ago but had not looked for it here...

esp. as we often have groceries delivered...

So the pizza was really quite delicious!!! 

The pepperoni I bought (applegate) was really good,

and I usually don't like pepperoni! 

***

So, I did an 'oops' .... while I had a fleeting thought

about heat and glass, I put the pizza on 

my pretty very thick cut glass platter....

and the heat broke it clean in half!

I was so BUMMED.

But... (coming out of my spending $ for the year...)

I found a well-priced replacement platter,

the exact same one, on Etsy! 

So the one I broke we actually found (in perfect condition!)

at a 'free' stand at the side of the road a few

years ago near our far-away church...

so obviously the replacement was not free like that find was!

But I loved that plate

and it was perfect for serving various things...

clearly NOT for hot things like pizza out of the oven!

Lesson learned, again... 

***

Well, my day was good, in that I got a lot done

and went out and had a walk and did shopping by light rail.

That was great.

I am having a very small Christmas Lunch this Saturday.

I am preparing for that.

This day though I found a bit hard...

I was oddly anxious this morning...eventually I was able to

redirect myself enough to get past that, with God's help of course...

and this afternoon different times I felt well...

a lot of impatience I guess and tiredness.

I was feeling out of breath strangely and congested on Monday and now I felt it 

a bit again today; if I feel that again tomorrow,

I will talk to a nurse about it. 

I had felt fine yesterday...

***

Well, my Husband brought home cute flowers,

we watched a Little House on the Prairie Christmas

and ate salad, pizza and popcorn while doing this.

That was really fun and while I broke my nice 

platter, the pizza really was quite good!

***

So tomorrow is a cleaning day and doing some

Saturday lunch prep + other things.

Thankfully the laundry, other than bed sheets, is caught up!

I know I need a 'rest day' soon but for now feel

that I have to be more in 'go mode' so that I am sure

all gets done for Saturday.

But I will take pockets of rest too, 

I made that mistake early in my marriage, to not rest

and slow down, and then I got mono for months.

So I am more careful now....which is one of the reasons

I am having only a small Christmas lunch this year...

I am really excited to have this little lunch!

***

Menu:

~cranberry and cheese hor'dorves

~roast pork in slow cooker from this recipe

~special mashed potatoes (with garlic and shallots!)

~green salad 

~green beans or other cooked green

~cranberry sauce (?)

~bread and butter 

And I hope a chocolate raspberry torte!

And French Vanilla Ice Cream 

***

It will be so delicious and special!!!

***

Meanwhile, well... I've been struggling with the culture I live in 

and the same culture I see inside of myself... I love beautiful dishes 

and lovely things... but I have this love/hate relationship with buying things

and with the fact that I have such material blessings - so many beautiful dishes,

so much in terms of treats and food and tea, that I find myself either feeling

guilty or worse about it.... it's really not a simple thing in terms of what it means

to be a Christian and to be doing what Christ wants...

buying things can be a form of greed or even lust (for things, for more)

and I struggle a lot with this, have for many years.

I love beauty. I love dishes, come from a dish-loving dish-collecting family.

But well, it's just not simple.  

Ironic that I quickly replaced the broken platter when I am thinking on 

such topics; I just hope that I can keep sharing what I have

and be hospitable and make meals and special occasions a blessing for others.

***

I am grateful for my new fiestaware dishes; the red bowls

we are finding perfect for popcorn, the little bowls are used for cooking

(just perfect for putting measuring spoons in or using for cracked egg shells)

so it's not that I am buying what I am not using, that is the issue.

***

I guess I just know keenly how martially rich I am in my kitchen

and in all of my beautiful dishes.

my red kitchenaid mixers - I have loved these since I was an 

undergrad and spent time at my English Prof's house.

His wife had a one of these in red and I loved it and her home

and how she cooked and baked so well (and was a doctorate as well!) and

knew that one day I hoped for one of these mixers 

and now I have it and I just know that it is a real privilege to have one.

I do love mine and use it often, it's a real blessing.

***

So I guess part of my struggle is that

one one hand I *must* see all I have as a blessing and be thankful

but on the other hand still have to try to grow in the virtues of 

not-wanting-more... it's hard to know how to best see this.

And I am reading that book on Soviet cooking and the huge

lack of food that they had and well, it may sound crazy,

but I have a real fear of lack.  

I really think it is from my Oma (not her fault but rather that I read

a small blurb about how we can inherit struggles from our grandparents 

in our emotional-make up) and my Oma went through WWII in Holland 

and for sure went hungry to try to ensure her 7 children had enough

(she had 8 children, the youngest being my Mom, who was born after WWII).

My Grandma lived through the great depression as a child, and had 

to live with her Grandparents and maiden Aunt but she remembers this

as a happy time, though one when people had to do without;

she wishes she had her Mother's recipe for an Orange Cake with boiled frosting,.... 

I have looked for it before... when I do and find one with cream,

she is quick to say her Mom would not have had the money to buy cream...

***

Also I feel that the US is plunging towards more poverty and that

the division between rich/poor is growing rapidly.

No longer are factories providing a salary that one could have a 

modest home, a car and even a modest vacation.

And I see this in so many ways.

***

I grew up always having enough but it was rare to have new clothes,

until about high school age. 

And I remember my dreams when I was doing my library school degree.

I was not fully focused on 'things' but also had dreams of

a job and being able to go to a store and be able to buy things.

Of course I had no idea how hard those working years would be...

***

I remember moments of deep happiness in my small but tall celiinged

studio in London Ontario.

I had no oven, just 2 burners and a small toaster oven

I got at a garage sale and dishes that I got for 5.00.

My rent was just under 400.00 a month, believe it or not!

My fridge was just a bar fridge, I bought a mini-freezer...

which I think my parents had later but I am not sure who has it now!

***

It's hard to believe that my school days were just over in the summer of 2006,

just 12 years ago! I don't think when I was in my 20s that I knew that 12 years could be a real

life-time ago in feel... and in experience... in 2012 I got married, now in 2018 I have

been married over 5 years, we own a home (condo), I have a beautiful

place to live and don't have the stress to provide rent money for myself.

I never knew that would happen to me and it remains a mystery and miracle of God.

***

Well, I sure know one thing: I am so thankful for what I have

and know that with God's mercy, we 

can face tomorrow, no matter what unfolds...

I often feel that now I am in a time of 'plenty' but that a time of 'famine' may

happen like it did to the Israelites and with God's help,

we can face whatever comes.

***

Meanwhile, I hope to continue to grow in hospitality and 

having others over to enjoy tea, lunch, dinner or even breakfast...

***

I have been listening to this again today and yesterday, 

and most of it I find very calming.