(Day 18) without Cleo: thrift shopping and being home

I was up early, lighting candles, listening to prayers, emptying the 

dishwasher of clean dishes, folding laundry, getting ready for 

going to the thrift store with a really good local friend...

I found the cozy super 'comfy' white cotton knit blanket, 

a grey vest for Mr Husband and a purple blouse for me, all

just 3 cents less than 13 dollars, so a pretty good price!

***

I was really missing (or noticing that I was missing) Cleo Cat today.

I keep thinking I see her at home,

as if I am subconsciously looking for her and am so excited

for a brief second when I think I have found her and then realize

I am still utterly mistaken and Cleo Cat is still gone, buried in our friends garden.

I told my Mom on the phone that I wish I knew how long that would last,

that I would keep thinking I found her or saw her in our house.

'Oh there you are Cleo, where were you hiding? I would often 

say to her as she did love hiding, esp in the later years.

Today I wore the black jacket I wore when we said goodbye and later

buried her.  It still had lots of fur on it in long strands.

I could not bring myself to clean the hairs off, but by the time I got back home,

most of them were gone. 

***

So my Husband and I had a, most likely very humorous, conversation about Cleo.

In the end the result was a re-affirmation that God never loses anything or

forgets anything so He has not lose track of Cleo or anything else. 

And if it is in my best interest in Heaven, then Cleo and I would be reunited

but if it were not, then we would not, but no matter what, 

God would not lose Cleo in anyway.

My Husband understandably realizes that 

Heaven is way beyond our understanding.

I was really happy by this conversation, as it unfolded because of my belief

in God as our Heavenly Father and that He is good, that He loves mankind; 

that He is full of loving-kindness and that the animals look to Him

for their food in due season, as the Psalms say. 

So if one trusts God as one's fully trustworthy unwavering faithful 

Heavenly Father and that He is good and loving,

then knowing that He is taking care of Cleo and that in Heaven 

He will have what is the absolute best then I don't have to worry.

It's just crazy how much I miss that Cat sometimes; 

I have turned a corner but I don't always know what the corners in grief

look like.  I miss knowing that Cleo is OK, that she is not lost or hurting in anyway.

I always looked for her before i went to bed, esp as sometimes she could get

locked in our office if she snuck in there when Mr Husband did not notice.

She was allowed in there, but not overnight as she could be naughty and get on tables

and such and we did not want her messing up my Husband's work space!

Sometimes all of a sudden I would hear this piteous 'meow' and realize that 

Cleo has woke from her nap and was locked in the office again!

***

Well.  I am going to visit family soon.

I always have this pull towards home when I am about to leave it

for a short bunch of days. 

But soon, I will be back.  I just wish my Cleo Cat would be there to

greet me or even to 'yell' at me for leaving her!

***

I am still doing the 'firsts' 

and it is just going to take more time.

The picture of the book page is from Gladys Taber's book.

I am quite enjoying it, even though I had a significant 

disagreement with it. 

She still has a lot of practical wisdom about grieving in it.

***

I won't have much time to write in the coming days but if I can,

will post a little photo essay (with little or no words) of things I saw at 

The Cloisters. 

***

God bless and keep you all! 

***

Ps: saw this video today and liked it! 

Tearing down to build up

Christmas tree is down, lights and ornaments packed away carefully.

Lenten icons are up, Christmas icons packed.

I am going home to Western MI in a week's time, 

a week tomorrow.

God willing I will be in church everyday this week, for the beginning 

of Lent, which is called Clean Week.

With yesterday being a feast day and my Husband took the day off for it, 

and then the news of my Aunt K, shocking...;

I was so confused this morning, I thought yesterday was a 2 day weekend 

and that today was Monday.

Why was my friend posting on IG about it being Friday?

Why is it that one minute one is fine and happy and joyful

and the next minute everything changes, dynamically, suddenly

and the sword is thrust in and goes out silently, quickly,

without visible change and yet everything is changed?

I finally did the second book order for my church book sale,

that we thought would be 2 times this Lent, 

this Sunday and then later.

But now there is snow on the way; we don't know if we can travel there

or not and such. 

I've had this icon of Christ the Good Shepard lit for my Aunt;

it is Christ who will take her safely through the valley of death....

I am getting this book on the mystery of death and from the chapter headings, I think

it will be a good read for me right now.

I woke to this song inside me, welling up, expressing everything...

...blessings in sorrow...

After church liturgy and forgiveness vespers

for the beginning of Great Lent,

we saw pictures from years past, many of them

from before my time in NJ, of various ones

of our church and some really lovely ones of Patrick...

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow night that he 

departed this earth...

afterwards we needed to pick some things up

regarding Patrick as my Husband is involved

in his final affairs on this earth

and I saw his home for the first time since he

has passed on... 

by the time I knew Patrick and was visiting him,

he was already in his 80s and was losing a lot of his

strength and such... 

so today was the first time that I saw his house on a more

detailed level... it's such a beautiful home, with furniture

that is is from a more refined era and lots of beautiful icons and 

pictures of various historical things.

And of course I took pictures... the one above

is one I quickly took of some of his blessed candles from

a few years ago... and by it, I did not even realize,

was a postcard from Ottawa... that I am sure that we sent him...

I know we had some sent from my Husband and I... 

probably when we were on our honeymoon 

and I would know that postcard anywhere,

but I did not realize it was there so I will have to go 

back later and see it... but it was so beautiful to realize it was there...

While I was looking at Patrick's home, in such

warm sunlight,

I was called back down and was given a very special icon 

of St Herman... my first Orthodox church that I ever went to 

was dedicated to St. Herman and I went to a small church

in London Ontario that had this icon of St Herman

in the back of their church,

and I would always stand by it...

It was so special to me as St Herman was my first Saint

and very much my Father-Daddy-Saint, if I can say it that way.

I really felt his care like a father for me, a young woman of 

27 who still had so much growing to do, young despite her years,

and I was a student back then and I don't believe I had an icon of St Herman 

until I was living in Ottawa, after I left London Ontario.... I was at 

a church dedicated to St Nicholas after my time at St Herman's and their

iconography was still progressing and they did not, at the time,

have an icon at all in the church of St. Herman,

and I missed seeing his icon so much... I had a small

paper drawing icon of him at home, but that was all....

so having the icon at church in London Ontario was deeply meaningful to me.

I knew St Herman to be my protector, even though there was so much I did

not understand yet, at that point....

I would just stand by this icon of St Herman and be aware of him,

as if I was standing right next to him... 

when I would walk back from the bus after 10 at night

in the wintertime in London Ontario, in 

the dark snow filled night, I would have to walk by

a more unlit dodgy feeling street, I think it had a bar and I always

felt a bit unsafe, but I would do 2 things, since I really had to walk that way home

and I used the computers at school for my work...

first I would have my keys out as the only thing I knew

to tangibly protect myself, but the other thing was that I would

think of St Herman and would just think about him and think about

him walking right next to me, that I would hold his hand all the way home...

not that I would think or imagine this in detail, but that somehow I was doing this,

just thinking about him as my protector and that I would get home safe.

Well, today this icon came home with me,

13 years later... it was one that Patrick had on the inside wall

of his breezeway and it was given to me...so

unexpectedly, I nearly started bawling...

(I had already had a few tears when seeing Patrick's house,

I learned to cry, really, when I lived in Ottawa,

but that's another story)...

and so it is here by my lampada on my buffet,

by the lampada that I started having lit all the time there

for Patrick when he suddenly took to being very ill... 

This icon is such a deep treasure for me,

something that is a deep blessing and I feel that

it is a great blessing to have this at the beginning of 

Great Lent this year...

it gives me hope, it gives me courage

and so Lent begins and for this,

I join others in thanking God.... 

Bright Tuesday ~ a step forward

Today, 

as planned over a week or so ago,

I was with a friend in Princeton,

where we went quilt fabric shopping

and sewing 'notions' shopping

(I am learning new words - notions are all the things

that you need for a sewing project,

like rulers, pins, etc.)

*

I am excited to learn to sew and to make

this quilt or one based on it at any rate!

*

We also had lunch at chili's, which I had not been to before

and a nice ice cream cone in Princeton proper.

*

I am finally home now,

I have been gone for 1 week as Mr. Husband were

at a hotel near to our far away church

for Holy Week and Pascha.

Our plans changed dramatically as

we are now grieving the loss of Mr. Husband's godson...

so I did not leave the area until today,

the day after the Bright Monday funeral.

*

Every loss is different but I feel

I've been through a few that have helped me

understand a little more about what

I need to grieve;

there are books I will read;

processing tools and other things.

I am praying that Mr. Husband and I will

grieve well and be able always to pray

for the newly departed godson.

*

So we are grieving but still singing

Christ is Risen!

*

We grieve always in the hope of the

Resurrection and Mercy of Christ.

Bright Monday ~ A Funeral in Christ's Brightness

Mr. Husband's Godson's funeral today 

on Bright Monday

was a very beautiful Paschal service.

I think we all felt a measure of healing

and of how wonderful it is to sing 

Christ is Risen!

so many times during the funeral.

It was like having a Pascha service (without the liturgy)

all over again and it was beautiful.

*

I am sure that the loss will take more time

to sink in as it were

and I can't tell you how much

each comment, email and text from my

family and friends - including many who

are in my 'blog friend family'.

*

Thank you from my heart.

*

Please continue to keep us all in your prayers,

they are needed.

Bright Sadness ~ A Request for Prayer

It is on this Most Holy Day of Pascha

that I announce the death of Mr. Husband's adult godson

of a sudden heart attack on 

Great and Holy Friday.

The newly departed leaves behind

a grieving widow and a young munchkin

who served for the first time in the altar of our church

this past Holy Thursday.

The funeral is tomorrow, on Bright Monday with burial after

in a local cemetery. 

My little church munchkin wants to serve for the second time

in his life at his father's funeral.

We are brokenhearted.

We are also grieving with hope in the Risen Christ. 

Please pray for all the grieving, 

especially the widow and munchkin,

our church priest and choir 

and for Mr. Husband and I who 

are spending time with the 

grieving widow and munchkin.

heart-felt prayer request

One of my dearest Romanian friends
from Ottawa's father has been very ill.
I just got word that her father has
fallen asleep in the Lord.
Please, I ask for any and all prayers for her,
her newly departed father
her mother and her husband.
*
Lord have mercy!
Memory Eternal!
May God remember my friend's father in
His Kingdom.

So many things all in one day

 

As many in the Orthodox community know,
Fr. Peter Gillquist departed this life
yesterday evening.
I especially appreciated this blog post
and listened to this podcast
on Ancient Faith Radio
last night
as I knew that Fr. Peter
was quickly declining...
Already there is a podcast about
Fr. Peter's departure.
I heard Fr. Peter speak in Southwest Ontario
some years back;
I remember being struck by how gracious he was
to all the questions asked afterwards.
He is going to be greatly missed.
May God remember him in His Kingdom!
*
I spent time with my dear sister-friend
and my godson and his two older brothers today.
Wave pool, potato chips, sandwhiches and
sorbet.
It was really nice.
*
Today is also St. John's Day.
This post by Mat. Anna
really blessed me today.
*
I have been thinking of Fr. Peter's passing
often today.
*
So much going on.
Grief
sunshine
loss
processing
praying
lighting candles.
*
The wedding invites are
 printed and arrived.
My Grandma is slowly gaining strength
and just today told me she hopes
to make the trip with my Aunt and Uncle to
my and Orthoman's wedding.
I really hope this can happen.
*
A lot of my good friends
are in a lot of transition and some
of them are in great grief.
*
I know that I already had one of my final confessions
with my own spiritual father.
My last month's rent is paid and notice has been given.
I have booked movers.
I found my clip board and am preparing to move.
I changed my phone plan so that I can
use voice over IP and keep an Ottawa phone number.
Orthoman has booked his ticket for when he will come
before the wedding.
*
Tomorrow I go back to work.
I have Friday off.
Cleo is to going to the vet
tomorrow night
with me.
*
I am very tired.
But God is merciful and good.
May He help us all in our times of need.

articulation comes slowly

You know sometimes it seems
I am flying blind
and it is hard to process
that I am leaving everything familiar.
*
At work there may of been another contract for me.
They speak to me about it as one
of whom it will not appy.
They are good to me there
and hired me knowing I was moving and marrying.
*
At church I am going to be leaving my spiritual father of
almost 7 years,
7 years almost to the very day
by the time of my DV wedding.
*
I am leaving my sister-friend and family.
*
I am leaving a city I never wanted to leave.
*
I am leaving my favourite tree.
*
I am leaving my favourite country
Canada
where I did so much growing up and
it fit me so well and I loved it here.
*
I am leaving the streets I know well
and the stores,
the street people I see daily/weekly.
*
I am leaving my bank, my downtown Ottawa,
my blue roomed apartment.
*
I am leaving an adult goddaughter who stopped going to church
and who I have not seen in almost two years.
I still miss her and pray for her everyday.
I had gotten a small prayer rope from
the Greek monastery for her
and she left before I could give it to her
and now I wear it in prayer for her.
Leaving her without knowing how she is
is incredibly hard.
*
I am leaving my young godson
who thankfully I know is well cared for
but still
I am leaving him and he will not have his youngest years
near to me like his older brothers had.
How can I leave my munchkins?
The middle one often says 'pizza?' when I come
as once or twice I had pizza ready to go in the oven
when I came to them for dinner.
*
I am leaving very close friends
who have married and had children here in Ottawa
since I met them 7 years ago.
*
I am leaving familiar streets and old Parliament buildings.
*
What does it mean to leave?
How does one transition?
How does one grieve?
When I left my first church in BC
I barley talked for three days.
*
What I am leaving for of course is
wonderful.
I can't begin to tell anyone how beautiful
I find my Orthoman
or how I love being with him.
How I can't imagine anyone else or anyone better.
Oh yes,
as one in my church has said about his wife
I know when I have been blessed.
*
But I guess I feel the need to name what
I am leaving so that I can leave.
*
A wonderful monastic Mother who I speak with on occasion
said that my leaving everything is exactly
what the Gospel speaks of.
*
And so I will be leaving almost everything
to marry and pray to continue
to work out my salvation.
*
Leaving.

Beauty, transitions and struggle

 

I love my ring.
I miss my Orthoman.
I will God willing see him soon.
We're having some challenges that we are
facing together;
it is wonderful that way, the together part.
*
I am still recovering from the very
sad news I heard
a few days ago
and my spiritual father confirmed
that it is something I will have to grieve.
*
I know we really are all longing
to be with Christ in Paradise,
where there is no more sorrow, grief or sighing
but life everlasting.
*
I am really looking forward to going
God willing to the monastery
late in the coming month.
*
It is really wonderful how animals
sense one when is sad.
Cleo was especially sweet today.
*
Vespers is so life-giving.
Christ is Risen and the world rejoices.

Sunday of the Cross

 

My future (with Orthoman) kitchen icon corner
with the icon of the Mother of God
Joy of All Who Sorrow.
The Akathist for this icon is found here.
 *
In the midst of the joy I am living in
I am also in such great transition
and on many real levels
grief of leaving
as I blogged about earlier
on my new blog
and I know I am in grief in part
because I am having insomnia.
*
I've been having some levels of insomnia
for weeks now.
It is not as bad as it was years ago
when I was in some very difficult
times due to complicated work situations
and other stressful life circumstances
and was lucky to get 3 to 4 hours of sleep at one time
but still. 
I know myself a bit better than I did some years ago
and know that my insomnia is in part
because of grief of the transition I am in.
And willingly in, I may add.
I do love Orthoman.
But it is a huge change
and I am now
continuing to do marriage preparation
with Orthoman
working full time
in a new in person Ottawa job
(thankfully I can walk there in about 15 minutes)
doing logistics for
the wedding
my move
packing and purging
and also will be doing logistics for
people coming to Ottawa for the wedding
who don't know the area.
*
I have read some liturgical texts on
the Sunday of the Holy Cross
and am struck by how the Cross
is not only our protection but
for our strengthening.
God is good to us.
*
Here is an Akathist to the Holy and Precious Cross.

O Bethany, Rejoice!

Fr. Stephen reposted on grief - worth reading.

When I experience the prayers of the Church,

is when I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be anywhere else.

++++++++

I found this song on YouTube -

Rejoice O Bethany!

This speaks of the grief of a sister for her brother Lazarus

and Christ calling him out of the tomb.

It is a Holy Week song and I remember this song coming alive to me

when I was working at my last job.

I was alone in my small library, shelving books, listening to it on

Ancient Faith Radio.

I remember feeling so full of joy...

++++++

Today was (old calendar) the Elevation of the Cross;

our priest reminded us that this Feast is directly linked to

Holy Week and that the core of our life needs to stay in Holy Week

that we must revolved around Christ's death and resurrection.

++++++

Oh that I can learn this.

+++++++++++

Meanwhile, I am really wanting it to be Christmas so I can

Lord Willing, go to the monastery again.

And then I want it to be Holy Week.

Of course the Church knows I need Lent first.

Lord have mercy on us all!