Often I blog when I am happy – I guess this makes for an imbalanced blog, in the sense of it appears that my life is going along in a constant exhausting relentless happy-go-lucky way. Other than the two month broken foot bed-rest summer. Of course anyone who knows me well knows this is not me at all.
Really I am a quiet bookish person who, at the same time, has the capacity to talk a lot when with friends and goes though life feeling things often in a highly intense manner. In someways I am unique though or stubborn or at least in someways quite narrow in my existence. (Or what some would think of as quite narrow, missing almost all sense of proportion and depth).
For instance – I live in Ottawa, the capital of the country (i.e. of Canada) – and I avoid politics, news and all TV. I actually have the capacity as a librarian to know what is really going on – the corporate world I work in as a librarian has to do with the legal and financial world. So if I did want to know the news behind the news, I could easily do so. However, I find it unhelpful to my sense of inward balance and peace, meagre as it is. I know by general feel what is going on through the blogs I read, through the facebook comments of friends, through conversations and through the air. I know of the fear of economies collapsing, the elections, and that there are constantly tragic and beautiful events going on.
But in general I would rather ignore it; it does not seem conducive to helping or adding to my life at this point.
I do not listen to the radio and often go days without listening to music; it is not that I do not love music. I do. And at work I often listen to Ancient Faith Radio; it is like listening, at times, to highly classical and liturgical music. I have some CDs from the St. Elisabeth the New Martyr Convent near Minsk in Belarus. My home church has a beautiful choir.
I am realizing that I will never fit the culture I live in; sure, the colours of paint I am choosing (some sort of muted olive green and a light very pale blue) for my new apartment are currently popular. But really, I love the room in the Dorothy Sayer’s movie I watched again yesterday – Have His Carcase – 1920’s/1930s – full of books, tea cups, things on the walls. Not at all the current popular decluttered minimalist look that is currently all the rage.
I am currently holed up in my apartment with a head cold; it has given me needed time to think and be quiet. I have come to come some good realizations that were hovering and waiting to be articulated, acknowledged. One, there are aspects of my current apartment that I will miss. Esp. my prayer corner, which is a lovely small space, very intimate and warm. Also, it is a huge transition to have a permanent job; I still have a lot of fear of failing it and of suddenly being jobless and with a more expensive apartment. Also I have had to admit that it takes time to set up a new apartment; I remember how long it took with my current one. it takes time for a new place to feel like home. I am relieved, however, that my next move will be easier because I have more people to help me move. Which is good. As excited as I am to have my first apartment with a living room, moving is a hard and stressful event for me, as it is for many. It is very high on the ‘life-stress’ scale. But it is time; where I live now is no longer taken care of and when winter comes with its long and cold months, it is really depressing to live in a place with dirty halls.
I keep having dreams revolving around moving into an unsuitable apartment, that does not fit my tall bookcase.
But I am also learning, even though I did not always have the support I needed when moving, this time I do have it. And somehow, wonderfully, God has given me some true friends and family away from home who love me. I have people when I have a head cold, as I currently do, will bring me Campbell's chicken soup, garlic, tea and chocolate.
I am learning to see how detailed, how particular, God’s care for me is. I am slowly learning to trust.