Another Day in this Year of Our Lord

Today was my last Monday at my current job. Tonight I am baking a cake for my small group at work to eat. Vanilla. I wish I had strawberries. If I have time, I may go get some.

I bought Indian takeout. Enough for three meals. Under five dollars for three meals. nice. It is a buffet and one is allowed two scoops of everything. I made lemonade, and have hot lemongrass tea with sugar.

It is hard for me to wait to see what job will come. But I am trying to really live during this time. Trust that God is taking care of me and to fight the fears that want to assail and conquer me. I am seeking to FIGHT them.

I am doing those things that are needed for my transition. Baking cake, buying small thank you cards and chocolate to give away, going to church, listening to music, praying, remembering God and calling my soul to see that even now, God is saving me.

Even now, God is saving me.

Feast of Mid-Pentecost

Happy Feast!

Job interview synopsis: 10 questions 2 or 3 parts each total time 50 minutes. intense gauntlet like.

God is so good though.

Went to vespers and had tea at a friends.

I am so thankful! To those who are praying for me: THANK YOU.

Jitters but God is good

My shirt is ironed. I only have a small table top iron board so this took a while. My cute light pink shirt. To be worn with black pants and jacket.

I prepared answers to various questions and read the rest of the libraries strategic plan.

Tomorrow I need to review my notes, some papers and pray.

Now it is time for sleep.

interview tomorrow; feeling nervous

Tomorrow is the day. Liturgy in the morning for Mid-Pentecost. Lunch with friends. Going home, changing and going to the interview. (3 pm)

I feel rushed already.

My shirt is not ironed.

Lord have mercy. I feel like there is so much more I can do to prepare, but do not have the time, and really I need to review, not learn more but review what I learned. and iron my shirt.

it is the ironing that really is unfortunate.

Please pray for me! This is the job I want above the others...

Long weekend!

It is Victoria Day on Monday.

I did in person research for the interview I have on Wednesday at three pm. Various people are praying for me and I feel really encouraged about this. like REALLY ENCOURAGED.

Thank God!!!

I am hoping to go for tea tomorrow with a friend to celebrate the Holiday Weekend.

I was at liturgy this AM and did the research in the afternoon.

I am reading murder on the links by A Christie and hung out with my Cat Cleo.

Hope everyone reading this is doing well...

today's summary

*interview in AM went fairly well. over 2 HOURS though. exhausting!
*got a call for the job i think i really want!!! interview next week Wednesday at 3 pm!

*going to vespers tonight and a teaching afterwards

i am tired!

tomorrow i hope to eat a bowl of ice cream. :)

Glory to God for all the interviews! I have gotten responses from all 4 of the jobs I have applied for. This is really encouraging and I know it is because of God's mercy and many people's prayers!

another day

A beautiful sunny day, cloudless blue skies... at work i saw sloping lawns and yellow dandelions. beautiful. I am slowly transitioning out of my current job, more every day. I am closing electronic and paper files. I will be calling England nearly every day. There is a certain publisher there, who will remain nameless, who just will not get back to me.

Tomorrow 9 AM EST an interview for a one year term. I have been reading their website tonight. I am a nerd and actually LIKE reading it.

My house is tidy now. I am in the kitchen , but most of my icon candles are lit, waiting for me to retire into the other room.

I figured out that right-clicking on a document ... I can print it without opening it! Handy, as my laptop seems a bit slow these days.

Okay. Back to work...

today was good

Work went okay today.
I need to search Google for MEDLINE/Pubmed searching (my interview on Wens is medical related, I am a librarian and use databases).
I had ICE CREAM today.

This weekend the bedroom side of my two room apartment got vacuumed! And laundry was done. And my closet was tackled and I won. I have been waiting a long while to have the time to do just that.

I have begun reading the man in the brown suit. Agatha Christie. I have read it before.

The kitchen side of my apartment is still messy, but I have hope about it.

Okay. Time to make dinner, before all that sugar I ate lets me down...

Sound advice - Found via two blogs

http://whenwefast.blogspot.com/2008/04/55-maxims-for-christian-living.html

http://sttheophanacademy.blogspot.com/2008/04/good-advice.html

So today I have done various blog searching and additions to my bloglines feed. I found this list that was complied by Erin's husband (see first link) and then I found it on the second link.

It is incredible. As in I should print this out and put it somewhere on my Prayer Wall.

This was from Ancient Faith Radio talk by Fr. Thomas Hopko.

55 Maxims for Christian Living
by Fr. Thomas Hopko

Here it is:

1. Be always with Christ.
2. Pray as you can, not as you want.
3. Have a keepable rule of prayer that you do by discipline.
4. Say the Lord’s Prayer several times a day.
5. Have a short prayer that you constantly repeat when your mind is not occupied with other things.
6. Make some prostrations when you pray.
7. Eat good foods in moderation.
8. Keep the Church’s fasting rules.
9. Spend some time in silence every day.
10. Do acts of mercy in secret.
11. Go to liturgical services regularly
12. Go to confession and communion regularly.
13. Do not engage intrusive thoughts and feelings. Cut them off at the start.
14. Reveal all your thoughts and feelings regularly to a trusted person.
15. Read the scriptures regularly.
16. Read good books a little at a time.
17. Cultivate communion with the saints.
18. Be an ordinary person.
19. Be polite with everyone.
20. Maintain cleanliness and order in your home.
21. Have a healthy, wholesome hobby.
22. Exercise regularly.
23. Live a day, and a part of a day, at a time.
24. Be totally honest, first of all, with yourself.
25. Be faithful in little things.
26. Do your work, and then forget it.
27. Do the most difficult and painful things first.
28. Face reality.
29. Be grateful in all things.
30. Be cheerful.
31. Be simple, hidden, quiet and small.
32. Never bring attention to yourself.
33. Listen when people talk to you.
34. Be awake and be attentive.
35. Think and talk about things no more than necessary.
36. When we speak, speak simply, clearly, firmly and directly.
37. Flee imagination, analysis, figuring things out.
38. Flee carnal, sexual things at their first appearance.
39. Don’t complain, mumble, murmur or whine.
40. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.
41. Don’t seek or expect praise or pity from anyone.
42. We don’t judge anyone for anything.
43. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.
44. Don’t defend or justify yourself.
45. Be defined and bound by God alone.
46. Accept criticism gratefully but test it critically.
47. Give advice to others only when asked or obligated to do so.
48. Do nothing for anyone that they can and should do for themselves.
49. Have a daily schedule of activities, avoiding whim and caprice.
50. Be merciful with yourself and with others.
51. Have no expectations except to be fiercely tempted to your last breath.
52. Focus exclusively on God and light, not on sin and darkness.
53. Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God’s mercy is greater than your wretchedness.
54. When we fall, get up immediately and start over.
55. Get help when you need it, without fear and without shame.

Tribute

I wanted to note that I have a most lovely Mom who is indeed the Best Mom for Me. She has been there where I was a child and now that I am adult. When I am happy and when I am in tears; we have learned a lot, both Mom and I. I can honestly say she is one of my closest friends and while still being my Mom, she is also a friend. Mom-friend :)

Also, I have a friend who I talk to every week, usually and I just wanted to say that she and I also have walked through many things together via many phone calls.

I am blessed to have her in my life!

I could go on, but I should de-clutter my home, or something.

So...

The saga of my life continues. Surprise surprise. :)

I have an interview for a 1 year term position. The second round interview was postponed, date still unknown. Am still waiting to hear about other things.

Ah life transitions. how I dislike you, life transitions.

oh well!

I remember reading in an Anglican prayer book over ten years ago how God is the unchanging one, the still centre... (I am paraphrasing btw). So I seek to remember this.

I am reading a mystery book; lovely after fasting from them for Lent. Sweet Revenge by Diane Mott Davidson. I like, though I must say she is pushing things a bit in places; the phrases. I was an English major and am still aware of what I read. None the less, I am enjoying it thus far.

tired but peaceful

This morning when I was busing to work, and passing over a bridge, the bus stopped. I got to look out on to a river, with apartments, green grass and sunshine. I thought today I need to enjoy the present. i.e. not be thinking only of the future (job etc). I had a fast walk over lunch with colleagues. I had ice cream when I got home. Chapman's Premium French Vanilla. I decided I like it better plain than with cheapy chocolate sauce.

I got a cute pink summer blouse on sale. I got another black shirt at another store (than the one yesterday) discounted and with a sale coupon. I listened to Bach. Held my cat, called my Mom (twice), got a hold of a reference, and researched for my second round interview.

Tomorrow DV I am going to vespers after a meal with a friend who got engaged over Pasca in a small white Greek church in Athens (where the fiance is from). Talk about romantic. ! I will get to see pictures.

Today is St. George Day old calendar!!!! Happy St. George Day!!!! I have a beautiful Icon of him newly placed on my icon prayer wall and I was happy today because it is his day.

Now it is time to rest for the night...

If people were not praying...

I sware I would be dead!

exaggerating MAYBE. but really, I do not know how people survive without God; even when I am shaken, even deeply shaken, God always does something to up hold me.

Thank you Mimi for praying to St. Xenia of Petersberg for me. This means a lot. Her icon was the first one i ever bought, a small lovely one. it is right next to my icon of the Theotokos on the right and my icon of the Crucifixion on the left. (I have some icons on a shelf, with tea lights in front; I find that the icons need to be just above my immediate eye level, or there abouts).

For those who may not know, St. Xenia is a fool for Christ who lived in St. Petersberg and she chose to be homeless and prayed a LOT. Her prayers are still felt and effective for jobs, houses, spouses, protection of children. We recently got a beautiful handwritten icon of her in my Church here in Ottawa. I felt so relieved when she was brought in to Church!

Well. no new job news. I took a test today for a government competition; I did not do that well, but I also do not really want the job, as opposed to others... I went shopping - yes - again. I do not go shopping that much (really) but I wanted a new spring shirt for my second round interview. I got a nice purple one - light with a bright summer-spring feel - and I bought my second ever nice pair of black pants - and - to my delight - a long sleeved button down black shirt with fabric that I think will not collect Cleo hair as quickly! When you have a non-pure breed long haired Himalayan Cat with Blue Eyes, this becomes a consideration! I really should get a digital camera someday so I can post a picture. Of course then I would have to figure out how to do so... :)

I am seriously excited about this black shirt, as I wear black shirts under various work jackets (or blazers, depending on what term is being used). I am so excited, I may go back and buy another. I have not found a good black shirt in a long time and my older blackshirts are really shabby now.

One thing that I find I struggle with, which I think a lot of people do, when I have interviews is suddenly being worried about what I LOOK like. Suddenly blush colour, lip colour, hair cuts, and clothes mean something.

Sigh. But I am so glad that God loves me despite of it all and I am so glad for the Saints as well.

When I think of all the spiritual support I have in the Orthodox Church, I wonder why my faith is so small when I am in job transition. But at the same time, it is good to see how little I am and how weak; the hope is that I will gain humility from this. I have been learning more this year how the Church Fathers consider humility to be one of the most important things. And I have been being taught that humility and love are directly linked, the two sides of the same coin.

In all these things, I thank God for His mercy!

I made the second round

I have a second interview for the job I interviewed for this past Wednesday. The second interview is the Tuesday of next week.

This week has been a challenging one, but was encouraged by being in church for vespers.

Thank God

The interview is over! By many people's prayers, I believe I interviewed well. (Thank you everyone who has prayed for me!) Now I am waiting to see about the second round of interviews. I really need God's wisdom and guidance in this!

I found praying the Our Father, esp. the "Thy will be done" helpful.

the day before

Cleo is looking up at me with her blue eyes. I am trying to focus on reviewing for my interview tomorrow at 11. outside my window I can see small green leaves on trees.

sometimes I wish my blog was more than what it is. I think a lot of thoughts but do not have much time to put them down.

it is so hard to prepare for interviews.

Lord have mercy!

Please pray for me. and if I can pray for you, please also let me know!

Pasca

Pasca is glorious.

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

May we all learn, after dying with Him, to then rise with Him!

Great and Holy Friday

Glory to Thy Passion O Lord, Glory to Thy long suffering!

Every Holy Week is so unique.

I am feeling overwhelmed but very cared for. I found a beautiful Pasca outfit. All white. Praying that it does not rain.

I have an interview for a job I applied for this coming Wednesday and have no idea how to prepare (and will not start to do so until earliest Bright Monday afternoon).

I applied for another job online yesterday (the one I think I really want, but before interviews it is hard to know).

Interviews, as it does for many, makes me nervous. Invariably I go shopping - this time new jacket and light pink blouse. any thoughts on light pink with black pants and jacket for an interview?

Sigh.

I know what I need to do most of all: pray the verses in Matthew 6 about not worrying:

do not worry about the clothes you will wear

and Seek First God's Kingdom.

I am really excited for Pasca. And this is the first time I have gotten a Pasca outfit, one that I hope will last a good number of years.

(FYI for those who wonder, I do not have a digital camera and do not know how to post pictures; I am also lazy, sorry.)

I know that the Pasca baskets and Pasca outfits are beyond second place in comparison to Christ's Passion and Resurrection. Yet, it feels wonderful to try to prepare one's self with one's best clothes, shoes, baskets for Pasca.

Now I have so much to do ... Holy Friday was not supposed to be as frantic as my morning will be, but I must continue to trust in God's mercy. And I pray that as I go about things, that my heart can learn to be awake to God and to watch.

Blessed Holy Weekend to all.

Holy Tuesday, Good Things Happening

It is Holy Tuesday!

I admit it feels a bit surreal to me, as I am also on vacation. And let me tell you just being able to be at my house during the day and not waking up between 5 and 6 am is great!

Tonight I am visiting another church for Tuesday's Bridegroom Matins... I am greatly anticipating this, as these are some of my all time favourite services of the liturgical year.

So the good things, other than what I already mentioned:

1. I got screen into the first part of a (government, aka red tape) completion for a job! In about 2 weeks I will go and do a test on the computer on specific librarian skills to see if I can do that job.

2. I went to the public library (aka not as much red tape) today and asked in person about a job posting that is due tomorrow. Cover Letter notes have been made. And what is better is that I feel I actually have stuff to say! Thank You God for Your Mercy.

So both of these job opportunities I will be waiting to see if I get an interview for.

I was nervous about going in person and am so glad I did...

Now I have to do more work...

Some special friends are praying for me for this and I feel really blessed and supported. God is so good to me, even when I get scared and my faith is small and shaky.

Okay. Time for dinner. I always feel drained after doing informal networking with the other librarians I would be working with! Now to see what is in my fridge...

Holy Week, Holy Monday

Thank God. Survival of Lent 2008 has happened.

My house is slowly getting cleaned. I felt by the end of Lent that I had nothing to give to God. I have since been told that I have one thing I can give: my willingness.

Psalm 51 "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."

I am listening to Bach as I clean my house; I went grocery shopping. They were out of ice cream - I hope to get some by Pasca to continue my tradition of having it for breakfast on Pasca morning after waking up (as in I will be going to sleep at 2-3 AM after the Pasca liturgy and basket blessing; we do not have a Sunday AM liturgy that day). Ice cream for breakfast is one of the great things of being Orthodox and an adult! :)

And, it fits my sense of humour.

I have to research the library job today and go to the library tomorrow and try to introduce myself to a manager to tell them I will be applying.

about this I am just a little NERVOUS. but I know I need to do it; various people agreed including my Deacon. Would love prayers for this...

I have been home most of today, much to my Cat's delight. I had been finding my work a bit stressful of late, so I am glad for the week break. I hope my next job has vacation days too! I could really get used to this...

Wishing everyone a good Holy Week... and Great and Holy Pasca! (in case I do not blog again this week).

5th week of Lent

We are almost to Lazarus Saturday and Palm Sunday.

Two cover letters to write.

My house is a mess. My Cat Cleo is Cute.

It is warm now! Sunny even; the snow piles are almost all melted.

I am dreaming of Pasca baskets, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream.

I am praying that I can be changed by the services.

The 5th week is long and I am tired.

Thank God that He is near to the weak and the weary. How I need His mercy, His protection!

The pull towards Holy Week amidst Cover Letters

We are almost in the 5th and last week of Lent!!! I think a lot of us feel a bit battered by now. The marathon to Holy Week is always challenging, often in unexpected or unforeseen ways. But straggling and bedraggled, we are coming.

I am working on a cover letter again. I am slowly getting a format down so that I can use again, with changes according to job description.

It is such a challenge to look for work! It takes a lot of perseverance and spiritual battles against apathy and despair. Perfect for Lent!!

I am starting the feel the pull towards Holy Week; the prayers of Bridegroom Matins are coming back; the freedom, intensity and otherness of this week. I can't wait. My spiritual father has said if one could only live 7 days, these are the 7 days to live.

I have taken the whole week off. Works well since I need to use up my vacation time; to me this was not even something I thought about not doing. I am an Orthodox convert - isn't that just something we would do? :)

It is also practical - Pasca flu can really happen. The services can be intense, long and deeply beautiful. I could go on...

But I better finish the draft of my cover letter so I can go to vespers on time...

Job Seeking, God's will

I am following up with a resume and cover letter... I am feeling hopeful but am trying to remain conscious of being in God's hands.

A few years ago, when I was desperate to return to Ottawa to live (I had finally found my spiritual father as well as a city and church that had become home) my spiritual father kept telling me:

it is okay to ask God for the desires of your heart, but ask like Christ did in Gethsemane.

During this period of time, I realized that:

the safest place to be is in God's will, Christ died on the Cross in obedience to God's will. This means that Christ was safe while being crucified.

Oh to love Christ enough to always seek to be in His care and to be willing to follow Him, even to the Cross -- so that we too can come to the Resurrection...

love and humility

i have begun to read more on what the Church Fathers teach reading humility - that love and humility are the same. the more i read and seek to be taught by the Church, the greater is my gratitude for being brought into a Church that can teach and Shepherd me. that i can learn about deep spiritual teachings on humility and love.

truly i have such along way to go in understanding how to love or how to be humble.

i have been advised to mediate on 1 Cor 13:3-13.

Here is part of this passage (NKJV)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. ...

i have often failed.

forgive me a sinner.

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.

God is so good to me

I have been given some special Orthodox books lately during Lent. And as my priest and spiritual Father said in a sermon, Lent is a gift from God for us.

I seek to be thankful.

Post mainly on God as the source of Joy, of Love

This sinus cold I have just does not want to let go! I am taking the day off today to rest and try to get past it. When I do anything I tend to do it well and so this cold seems to have quite the grip, particularly on the breathing/exhaustion factor.

As I really want to go to Church this weekend (including tomorrow for presanctified liturgy) I really want to have more energy. Lord have mercy.

Other thoughts.

I read a blog post from a former classmate of mine about evil things going on in Korea. I pointed out that Satan is the destroyer. I have been thinking of this since a talk I heard by the holy hermit priest-monk who visits my church from time to time. The devil seeks to destroy. I can see this more now and understand the creation story better/in a new light.

Adam and Eve had paradise with God; Satan tempted them so that their paradise would be destroyed.

I can see a little more how God is the source of JOY, of all creative good.

I can also see Western culture continuing a fast decline - in many areas - not just the arts - but in basic dignity and goodness. Watching a video of people "making out" is seen not as gross but as something worth watching. I was relieved that at least one other person at the table, when this video was mentioned, said "gross" right away.

Humans are made with Joy, in the image of God. Seeing humans misuse each other and the consumerist approach to other humans (i.e. that video) demeans and denigrates what is holy.

We are truly in a battle for our souls and for our nation's souls. I feel like we have all been sleeping so long and we need to wake up. I need to wake up.

The Orthodox church prepares people for battle; the Church does not hide the Saints and the suffering they went through. The Christian Church has had more martyrs this century than in all before. Many of these in Orthodox countries; many monks, nuns, priests... other Christians as well.

I was greatly impressed by Fr. Roman Braga's book and feel the need to seek to learn the spiritual disciplines taught within the Church.

Last thought: my spiritual sister astounded me with this fact: Christianity's foundation (i.e. how we are to live) is the Beatitudes.

it is lent

i found out this week that my job, a 1 year contract, will be ending in 2 months. as much as i want to not be worried, i still am struggling with worry.

i also have a head cold, though i do not fully mind it, as it seems to be running its course in a strait-forward manner.

i am glad it is lent because i need to be in church more; but at the same time i am always surprised at how HARD lent is!

nevertheless, i am glad it is lent.

i have all of Holy Week off and DV i am greatly looking forward to it...

Lord have mercy!

nearest book on page 123, three sentances after the first 5

i was tagged by biss (http://princessbiss.blogspot.com/).

i am not fully playing along i admit but here is main part of it, as already posted for her in a comment...

the three sentances after the first five on pg 123:

"The second wave of imprisonment began. The first one had occured on the 15th of May 1948, with the intention of abolising the remainder of the historical political parties and the so-called bourgeious mentality. This time, however, the attack was directed percisely against God."

(next sentance)

"The targets were priests, monks, and intelletuals who attacted others to themselves, who exhibited great spiritual influence."

from the essay "The Burning Bush" by Fr. Roman Braga which is in the book _exploring the inner universe: joy - the mystery of life_ published by HDM Press, third printing, 2006 first english edition.

i was reading this one over breakfast. the long part of this book is an interview with Fr. Roman that i highly recommend reading. it gives a lot of what converts like me do not know about - what it would be like to be raised Orthodox in an Orthodox country.

Life just keeps going

The summary.

1. I am applying for another job, this one through word of mouth. What ever happens, I can see God’s mercy and grace. Only He can do what has already been done. I am thankful and strive to trust God with my life, my future, with my very breath...

2.I love my church. So much. I love my other churches too. I love my Godmother and I could go on and on and on.

3. I find it hard to balance social and alone times.

4. I am listening to Church Slavonic. At least I think I am! :) It is beautiful.

5. I find it hard to know what type of job within the library world would suit me best. I like what God has given me so far.

Okay. Back to working on the job application. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy…

home again

Thank God I am home again. I had a nice trip; it was really good to see my Oma. She is still knitting, and at 99 that is pretty good. I know that she will not always be alive, which is hard. It was reassuring to see everything still the same; other than that everyone keeps getting older.

I saw my parents, more aunts and uncles, my Oma. I was surrounded by people speaking Dutch; it was wonderful, even though i do not know the language. I grew up visiting my Opa and Oma and it is almost second nature to be around people speaking in more than one language.

And I saw a lot of pictures in the hallways, and a lot of beautiful things.

It is strange always now, though not to see Icons.

but I saw many other signs of God's kingdom in the faithfulness of my Oma's people.

and, on smaller notes, the tea pot, sugar and creamer that I got from my Grandma (not to be confused with my Oma) over Christmas are now with me; my parents brought them up, with a silver mirrored tray that I bought at an antique store when antiquing with my Grandma. They are adorning one of my bookshelves and that is lovely.

I have been thinking about identity and what we surround ourselves with. I am the type that surrounds myself with things that are linked to my family and friends. I do not have the minimalist IKEA-only apartment. I have IKEA things along side of family dishes, pictures, knitted things from my Oma, and Icons from my various Orthodox churches and from the monastery that I love in Michigan. To me these things show and tell me where I am from; my Church, my family. And to me having things I bought with my sister, Grandma and Mother; or slippers, scarves, mittens, and tea cozies from my Oma, is like being surrounded with their love. and it shows me that others think of me, that I am remembered.

How I wish Protestants knew that we can pray for those who have died! when we, Orthodox, says Memory Eternal, we are praying for God to remember the person who has died. It is such a comfort that someday, if my Oma dies before me (the statistical view would be this way) the grief will be real, but I have been given a great comfort in the church, to pray for her and to have a service for her.

Whew. Done. Thank God.

the job app is submitted. thank God. and thanks to Mimi and anyone else who prayed for me. i was having stress dreams and waking at 3 am; this week was quite intense.

well. now i have to pack for Brampton, flying tomorrow AM early. bringing various presents with me, lots of it food.

i need to wash my dishes.

i have been keeping better house habits since my house-blessing. for lent i am going to try to start having better eating habits. i am seeing that the spiritual life is not outside of my normal life but instead is directly part of it. making my bed before praying is a good thing. i cannot imagine not being Orthodox now. how could prayer not have to do with lighting candles.

of course these are the outer things; learning the interior spiritual disciplines are slow and require a great deal of effort, humility and God's mercy. thank God that His mercy is stronger than my small efforts. and i am slowly seeing that these spiritual disciplines can only take place because i am inside the church...

More of the same

I am back. This time I am listening to a CD made at the convent of St. Elisabeth the New Martyr. That I do not know the language makes no difference. I met sisters from this Convent and have some small icons from them as well. St. Elisabeth is important to me; we have a beautiful icon of her in my church.

I am working on my job application.

Last night I was at church. I love being at church. It is like being home and the home is good and full of safety, in the sense of comfort and that there are Saints there who can help take care of things... It is like being a child, having a good father and falling asleep, listening to his voice.

Okay. The job I am applying for I do not have a lot of direct experience - which does not always matter as training and on the job learning is better. Being a librarian means that you can do a lot of different things. But it does not mean that I am always that good at resumes.

May God's will be done, here below as in Heaven.

Various and varying things

the list:

1. i am doing a job application. due friday. prayers welcome.
2. i am going to see my Oma this weekend - she is 99 - this means i am missing church but my Oma is 99 and i will DV also see my parents and aunts and uncles. i am flying to Brampton and my ears are still a bit plugged. am taking decongestants, chewing gum, etc.
3. some of my books from my parents house are coming with my parents and will be greyhounded to ottawa. many of these books i have not had with me since 2004.
4. i am drinking tea in the kitchen and Cleo is sitting on my gold chair. Bach is playing in the background.

back to my resume.

oh. i think i still like being a librarian. i really actually want to keep my job where i am at, but they cannot yet tell me if i will have anything past May 29 so i have to keep my options open.

okay. back to work...

thanksgiving

Thanks to God my house is blessed!

I cleaned for hours, but wow was it worth it. it feels so good to be in a clean space! and now also a blessed space.

the Lord has been so good to me.

awake at 4

sigh.

when ever i am going to have at all a nice day i wake up super early! My Opa had the same struggle.

i cleaned all last night for my little apartment finally to be blessed. i have lived here over a year already, but it just did not work out to have my house blessed.

it is quite something though to me, to prepare for this. it is a very exciting thing for me and at the same time has this element of acceptance of the way things are.

i am more settled now (though my job as it stands now ends at the end of May and that is on my mind a little) than i have been as a student. but it is not like i thought it would be. i have a lot of my things together, but am slowly learning how much of feeling settled is a inward condition of grace and comes only with time and prayer. and to be honest it is an inward condition that i lack.

i am usually looking for the next thing, or thinking it will be so nice when my house is clean, or when i have a better plan for meals, or when my work is more permanent.

well. my house will (notice the future tense of this verb!) be clean today. my laundry is done. i do have food in the freezer (though i have to go grocery shopping).

but it is my heart that needs the most feeding, restructuring, cleaning and tender healing.

i am so glad for the hope for this inward healing in the church; it is incredible to be loved and to be able to learn to trust in God's mercy.

today

happy St. Valentine's day! :)

today i went to a wedding at my church and it was really special. and at the end i got to hold a special little baby, and stood at the back of church. this made my heart happy.

i realize i just used the word 'special' two times, but you know, it is an okay word...

sometimes it is hard to capture how one's feels, you know. perhaps that is because the feeling is so inward, that an outward expression of it is difficult.

i was near an icon of St. Elisabeth the new martyr; i held a child; i was with my church family; it is a safe, comforting thing. i think the nearest to explaining it is what i see when the priest's young daughter falls and hurts herself. if her father is near by and sees, he goes over, picks her up and holds her. it is beautiful and a deep thing to know that one can still be safe like that, even though i am now an adult.

becoming Orthodox is the best thing that ever happened to me, other than having a Christian family to grow up in. i am blessed and thank God for such immense grace.

reading Sherrard

I have designated Monday nights as my reading and writing night. I know. Nice! It is one of the perks of being single - control over my schedule...

So tonight I read part of a chapter I found online from Philip Sherrard's book From Theology to Philosophy in the Latin West. I read around 8 of the 17 printed pages. It took a while, as one really has to pay attention when reading Sherrard. Good thing I took a few Philosophy courses in my undergrad. And wow do I need a dictionary. Sigh. Someday I hope to have the OED!

So now I understand a bit more of why various Orthodox theologians and those who study the theologians, view parts of St. Augustine's writing as leading the West in the wrong direction.

Here is the quick summary (based on what I understand):

The Christian Fathers (but not St. Augustine) never lost the understanding of the image of God being in each person. This divine image of God is the deepest part of each human. This deepest part is called heart, or the seat of the heart. Because of this deepest part, the heart (also called in Greek the nous), we can discern, see and experience God. And not just experience God but participate in God's nature. If one's heart is entirely full of the Holy Spirit (which only comes with much ascetical effort and prayer) one lives all the time in God's light. In other words, one becomes a Saint.

I was a bit familiar with this from teachings of my spiritual father and previous reading. Sherrard did not directly mention Saints yet, but it is clear from his opening statements that he sees the Christian East as the ones who did not lose the belief that one can actually have the possibility of becoming a Saint.

Oh, I almost forgot the rest of the summary. St. Augustine did not believe in the heart as much as he did the soul (different in the Christian East from the heart) and the soul was better than the body. This part is complicated. It appears to end that the soul cannot directly comprehend God.

My current thought on St. Augustine's view as told by Sherrard: If this is so (I have read very little of the Patristics) (such a great word, Patristics) than it appears to deny the Incarnation of Christ - fully divine and fully human. And it denies the Holy Eucharist as the Body and Blood of Christ as part of what it means to abide in Christ.

Well. There you go. I am interested in Sherrard’s work for two reasons. One, I get to exercise my brain. Two, I want to understand what happened in the past to create the present. In other words, why do so many people today live believing they have no souls.

This seems to have something to do with Modern Western thought and the Enlightenment.

Here is what I must always remember when reading such heady philosophy: love. Knowledge can puff up and love is greater than it all. Second, this sort of reading is my form of pleasure reading (besides mystery books that is) and must never replace prayer, reading Saint stories and seeking to understand humility.

Lord have mercy, as it is so hard to do what is best!

books

i discovered Eusebius' _the history of the church_ today. am half way through reading the introduction. am reading a book on prayer. re-read _herb of grace_ by Elizabeth Goudge.

i have so much to read, i have dreams of someday understanding a bit more about things.

i ordered some books online (eight day books, yea!) and feel happy about this.

i had moved so much and changed directions so much that only now do i feel like parts of me are coming back - we will see where this leads.

meanwhile i am a lot happier, letting things come in, swirl and then settle around me.

Thoughts on a quiet evening

Wow. February 1, 2008 already.

I have been so busy – I had a sick day about two weeks ago and felt like it was restoring my sanity. Living in this world sure is hard! I used to think it was simple… HAHAHA. Sigh. That was when I was a student and not working full time.

Working full time, going to church on weekends and often midweek, plus one or two social things equals a very full week.

So here I am, ironically perhaps, on Friday night in my quiet apartment. I got yummy take-out Indian food and have been reading. But it would be a lot more fun if my kitchen was clean. Considering I am in my kitchen and only have a two-room apartment. At work someone thought I meant I had a two-bedroom apartment. Nope. Two rooms plus bathroom with bathtub (a must for all women I believe!) (okay well all North American women perhaps). Anyway. I am supposed to be cleaning so I am ready DV for my apartment to be blessed before Lent begins!

Who here is excited for Lent? I am beginning to be. To be honest with this past year and being on the old calendar, I really got tired from fasting – the apostles fast was so long and you know, I think I have still not fully recovered! Perhaps life is like that sometimes.

Oh… I have been thinking on and off about my last post and the comments. I am still not sure how to comment on them, as it were. I spoke with V. and said I was not sure what I thought. I think my confusion comes from not knowing if I am as bothered by something profane (if I were to call my work that or my colleagues… I think of righteous Lot and think well maybe I am not yet that righteous) as much as feeling left out. It’s true. Surely some human normal reaction, esp. since I well I don’t really fully fit popular culture today. I like what was popular culture when people believed that a person had a soul.

Stacy on the Orthodork Café (google this and you will find it) wrote of a book by Philip Sherrard The Sacred In Life and Art and from what I have read of the book description from 8 Day Books I think it has a lot to do with what I am struggling with.

Half of it I think has to do with plain wanting to not be so different (not that I am going to change, I know better now) and half of it is that the others believe the lie that there is no soul, no God, no sacramental world full of the glory and presence of God.

Well. There it is. My thoughts. Wishing all who read this God’s blessing and reassurance in the midst of the battles of this life.

Who me?

Do you ever have a day where you are sitting at a table with others and you feel so different from them?

A common human experience I’m sure…

Sometimes I eat lunch with some friends who are interested in things I, well, am not as interested in. Like movies and TV. They had to explain to me why there was no G.Globe this year. And they always mention so many actors and singers I have never heard of…

So I don’t have a TV. So I usually don’t listen to music. Though I do LIKE music, but well, not usually the music of today’s pop culture.

I like old detective movies from the 70’s and 80’s – esp. of Agatha Christie and Dorothy Sayers. I guess if I do anything TV like it is reading blogs; and I am re-reading a PD James book.

I am also sitting in a room full of lit candles and the only manmade light is from my computer screen; and I like teapots and teacups.

The cool thing with this group I eat with is that they still accept me – I am the only Christian and probably the only Orthodox Christian they know – they think that my church has really good food! (I have described it before, as talking about a church meal is easier than talking about liturgy, as food is familiar and they are really not necessarily up for hearing in detail about theology) (I keep hoping though).

It is like being in another world though and like I do not know how to meet half-way that well.

I would love to hear about others who perhaps also struggle with this – I know those of us who are Orthodox are around this deep beauty in church – even the most humble mission church has beauty because icons, including replications, are so beautiful. And to be surrounded by the cloud of witnesses and to see all these saints who love us. Wow. It is no wonder that being anywhere else is a bit jarring. The world is not with us…

Any stories about this and how you deal with living in seemingly duel worlds? I would love to hear…

How I was able to go to Christmas Liturgy

I was chrismated in a lovely Antiochian church in Michigan and was 'raised' in the church on the new calendar. I now go to a old calendar church (that is not old calendarist, as a esteemed friend wrote) and today is Christmas. Well, I had gotten confused and thus had to go to work today. I was really disappointed as I was looking forward to having Christmas with my church family.

So I woke up today and got ready and went to work. (I had just gotten back Friday night and did not realize my mistake until the next day and it was too late to try to fix this vacation wise). So I get to work and guess what!!?

The power was out at my work - a transformer problem. We were all sent home and I esp. was given a blessing from on high to go to my church's Christmas liturgy!

God did a wonderful small miracle in this. It was wonderful to pray in church for Christmas - and I got to do the Christmas liturgies in both my Michigan and Ottawa churches.

What blessings.

Blessed Christmas or Theophany to all! :)

home

i am back. Cleo is glad to see me. it is always a strange transition, going between two earthly homes.

going home by plane today

i had a priest pray for me the travel prayer and was blessed with holy water a bit after Matins yesterday morning!

i have had very little down and email time this Holiday, so my apologies for lack of blog comments. i was not home much and when i was home, i was with family.

time to contiue the journey to the airport.

God is so good to us.

today

i am 31... strange but true. i got two books of St. John C's homilies for my birthday!

i am going to a monastery tomorrow ... until tuesday.

this season with family is very busy.

wishing everyone God's blessings

Prayers as I travel

i am going home.

i am currently quite exhausted. and not fully packed. and i am not going to leave my house clean like i had hoped.

will my house ever get vacuumed, i wonder.

however, my dishes are almost all washed, and my fridge is empty.

i will be gone two weeks.

i will be at the church i was chrismated in. i will see God willing, the new icon of Christ in the dome of my church.

my family is not orthodox; it is so hard to be a convert and not have your family understand why you want to go to vespers and liturgy!

one of my close friends is taking care of Cleo - she is going to visit Cleo while i am away.

i plan on driving while at home - i have not driven in winter (i.e. snow) and it has been quite the saga just convincing my family that at 30 years old i really can drive in winter.

i love my family very much.

and i get to see my Godmother.

i will be missing my spiritual father though, and my church.

i hope to be going to a monastery while i am home.

please, if you would, pray for me.

one moment at a time

I read various blogs that I do not have on my blog roll; keeping up the 'look' of my blog is a very low priority. One of these blogs is RW's blog - http://anacceptabletime.blogspot.com/ - and I wrote a comment this morning that I think summarizes the state of things for me... (will put this comment on the end of this post).

I am currently enjoying my work; I have felt that I have not been crushed with unreasonable demands (and I do not work late, which is why I do not feel crushed). I am going home for Christmas, which I think is a good thing. Trying to keep up with my own life I find hard.

Like eating balanced meals, keeping a clean house, doing all things in an appropriate balance (i.e. prayer, social times, reading good books to learn or to gain a better sense of the English language, reading mystery books, time to call friends, church services, cooking, apartment upkeep). Really my life is one of the better ones, by which I mean I have: a job, an apartment, friends, family, a church home. it is not that my life has been smooth or straightforward. but right now, at this hour, in this moment, my life is okay.

I go home soon for Christmas. I have library books for the plane. I have dreams of my Mother's cooking. I am going DV to a monastery for a day or so. My sister's birthday is this week and mine is a bit after New Calendar Christmas. I am holding on to the individual moments of peace, anticipation and quiet. I live always knowing that these moments can be tragically changed in the next moment...

the summary is that I am grateful that my life right now can be summarized in this comment:

I hear you! I admit that my desk at work is often messy but the work is contained to one cubical, one computer. Home is not so contained, which is the challenge. Home has all different demands (and I only live with my Cat) - spiritual, physical, emotional needs of myself as a person is only one dimension; taking care of my apartment, another; keeping up with my family and friends another; it all gets melded together with the days that pass so quickly. You have 3 others in your house plus you and a house to keep up! Perhaps we should be encouraged for just showing up for the daily battle to keep our lives in a state of organizable chaos, with lots of God's grace asked for...

A brief blog hello

Life continues to be full – I celebrated American thanksgiving with a fellow American and Canadians – two of my close friends are moving away – we have a panakhyda soon for Nadia whose one year is this Friday – I have worked at my newest job 6 months now. I have only 6 months left in the position – I am praying for God’s will – it would be nice if the position was extended.

I am reading some Orthodox books on The Lord’s Prayer; Orthodox theology continues to blow my mind. When I started reading one of these books, which quoted from the church fathers – I was startled all over again! I sat in my chair and had the quick realization that I had when I began reading my first Orthodox book (courage to pray by met Anthony Bloom) that this is what I had been looking for all my life.

ALL MY LIFE and it is incredible to be a mere 30 (31 in a month) and have found what I was looking for all this time. And I am still young enough to have time to grow in it, Lord willing.

When I studied philosophy and English lit in my undergrad, the ideas made me feel alive; now I have that same awakening, but it is on a different level…

A question I have been thinking about

What is better, answers of no answers in the light of tragedy and human suffering?

I like answers that give freedom – like when I was in the throes of grief, years ago and someone told me that grief impacts everyone different and there is no ‘right way’ to grieve.

Or I like it when I am feeling sad and a good friend just sits with me and is quiet.

Or when someone says that the suffering is hard and thus acknowledges it as such.

I wonder if it is merely a misguided human inclination that wants to give another person answers when faced with another person’s suffering.

But yet again I have had words thoughtfully, prayerfully given that have brought comfort to me in sorrow; much comfort.

I talked to my spiritual father yesterday about suffering in the world, citing some examples that I have seen. He taught me about corruption that is in the world, that it comes on the good and bad alike, like rain. And he quoted a Romanian theologian who said that all of these answers are found in the Cross.

Years ago I was at my parent’s house and read an older essay by Philip Yancy. He was describing, if I remember correctly, prisoners in Africa. And there was a Crucifix or an icon of the Crucifixion there, which gave these men great comfort.

Perhaps there needs to be sensitivity to timing to when to speak, when to be silent. I read in Fr. John’s book, Christ is in our Midst, of a saint who commented that he never had to repent of silence.

Sometimes, when I am feeling okay and more peaceful or at least more happy, I feel bubbling with words; I have so much to learn about what it means to be still, peaceful and silent.

I have learned a little about this: it is not just the absence of sound that creates silence. It is learning to have interior silence that is needed. And I have read and seen that the Theotokos (the Birth-giver of God -- Christ, the Virgin Mary) is taught as our example of what it means to be a Christian, and what it means to have this silence.

How do I know? Simple. I am beginning to see what I do not yet have. How do I begin to learn to see what I do not yet have? By being in Church and struggling to attend to the prayers of the church and looking at icons in church. I tell you, though, that I know it because I am only beginning to wake up and see glimpses of my own inner poverty and all those things that want to be noise and crowd my life, my vision, my ability to hear and to attend.

In the end is the crucifixion, the resurrection, the promise in 2 Peter of Christ, the morning star, rising in our hearts.

another month, going by

well. i am briefly online.

my job is in it's demanding season and involves working online, at my computer in my small grey cubical. so when i come home i am quite tired and often a bit peopled/computered out.

so sorry to those i have not commented on blogs. i still read them, as time allows. and i still care about each one i read! :)

i got a new prayer book recently, and am still reading and re-reading _Christ is in our midst_ by Fr. John, a Russian Monk, (st vlads seminary press; it is still in print). this has been very good for me.

i have tomorrow off for Remembrance Day. i am relieved. i need a day to just be home. my house needs some serious attention!

i found myself thinking about my university days recently; now that i am in the Orthodox church everything before seems surprisingly incomplete; like i am seeing things on a whole new level and what i am seeing - about God, the Church, the Scriptures, is a lot better than i ever dreamed possible.

learning to live out one's Christian life in the Orthodox church to me seems to be the singularity most difficult and most life-altering and full of hope; it is like i never understood Christ or Easter (what we call Pasca) before i was Orthodox.

at the same time i know i must continue to grow - i am seeing glimpses of how my life can be as a Christian, but i must daily be committed to God and to working out my salvation.

wishing everyone God's peace and hope.

a post about a post i linked to in this post

this post was really lovely -

http://fatherstephen.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/when-things-are-not-as-they-seem/

the more i learn about the Orthodox church i have joined, the more i see that it is true and that the world is NOT at ALL what most people see it as.

and also the more i am convinced that the Protestant Churches have deeply and dramatically lost a great deal - in their understanding of the world, in understanding of who God is, what worship is, what a human person is, to name a few great losses

i also really like the post i linked to above as it also talks about how our society is into speed and this speed keeps people from seeing what is real. and that repentance is a very slow process, the process of healing is slow. i need to often be reminded of this. i tend to be quite impatient...

i hope it will teach me humility though, because here i have been given this Church that has Saints, that has the means of healing, and a sense of the world like nothing else... and yet i am so broken and the process is so slow - i hope that this will show me how much i am in need of God and the Church. indeed in this case it is not that i am in a place (the Church) that cannot save me, but that i have so much that needs to be saved!

truly a case of falling down, getting up, falling down, asking my spiritual father another question, getting up, falling down, getting up, asking another question, falling down,

another example of being glad that God loves and has much patience...

i encourage you to read the post above; it is better than the one you just finished reading, if you have read this far.

today on the new calendar

is st. John of Kronstadt and St. John of Rila's days.

i have been happy all day.

happy blessed day!

see this link for a lovely icon and information about St. John of Kronstadt:


http://benedictseraphim.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/st-john-of-kronstadt/

story from my childhood

I have been thinking about this story from my childhood...

I grew up in a Protestant church; when I was a kid... under ten, but do not know what age, I heard a sermon about the last shall be first.

So that same day we had some sort of family gathering, with dessert. Well, thinking I was all smart, I told my Mom I would go last. Clearly my Mom, I reasoned, would of been listening to the same sermon. She would thus be so touched that I was listening too and was such a Good Angelic Girl that I would be able to go first. A Spiritual Goody-Goody I guess. WELL. My Mother had listened to that sermon. Her answer to my offer to go last - showing her great wisdom as a Mother and as My Mother:

"Okay, you can go last."

I was thinking, oh My Mother did not listen to that sermon. Clearly she would of let me go first, as the last go first and I offered to go last. HA. Silly Me!!!

Clearly I was just trying to go first and failed to receive the lesson or the point of this sermon. Thank God My Mother is wise.

and Thank God that He can teach me (even me) that I should go last and not because I want to go first. (Of course I am still learning this lesson).

Glory to God's long-suffering and His great mercy!

Wow. the Weeks fly by

And again I do not write that consistently.

what to say? i have a sinus cold. i love my church. i love the Orthodox church. i made my spiritual father laugh last night when i asked him to "bless my head" as i could not kiss his hand and receive his blessing. (i was not about to risk giving him my cold any more than i did by talking with him).

life is full of ups and downs; at times devastation and at times a sense of joy; i seek to be in the centre of God's will and ask His mercy.

there is really not much else to say, currently... other than to affirm the need to say "Glory to God for all things."

Madeleine L' Engle - Memory Eternal

Just found out she has passed on.

Comforted to realize that, last night, as i looked at my icons, and at the books i have, including her last book of poems, i prayed for her.

This from the NY Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/08/books/07cnd-lengle.html?_r=1&ref=arts&oref=slogin

I have expected this news for a few year; we must pray for her now.

She knew what it was to love and to give love; when I heard her speak when I was 19 the love I felt coming from her was tangible; like a spiritual grandmother.

She helped me believe in miracles and was part of my path into the Orthodox church.

Memory Eternal, may all pain be washed away...

I do not think I have been tagged before

Well. How ‘bout that; Mimi gave me a Nice Matters Award; go to http://mimisbooks.blogspot.com/ to see; it is lovely and pink!

It will take me a while to nominate 7 others, as like Mimi all the blogs I read I find to be Nice People. That Mimi gave me this award corresponds with what I have seen of her blogosphere character – always giving a kind comment, no matter if my day is going well or not so well. Thank you again Mimi.

I do not own a digital camera as of yet but someday I hope to have a picture of Cleo up so people can see the cute cat that is currently sitting on my 1970’s gold armchair, sleeping. She is sprawled out on the top of the chair-all quiet like-as one may say. Cleo is a non-pure breed Himalayan-so blond with the hints of a light brown, black feet, ears and nose and lovely pale blue eyes. She is such a pretty cat, I am still amazed I have her.

Tonight I had a purposely quiet night; I had been busy day and night for nearly a week and was getting quite frazzled; I have both introvert and extravert tendencies, though I am learning more about how to honour my introvert side, by being quiet more often. To this end I often do not have any music playing. After months of quiet I realize that a lot of today’s music, even my beloved Amy Grant who I listened to as a kid, upsets me internally. It is hard to explain, but now I wonder how many other people are living a frantic life and are constantly being bombarded by jarring sounds, sounds that most people accept as normal, part of everyday North American life.

It is wonderful, to not have much sound going. For me it means the songs of vespers and liturgy are often playing in my head. It is incredible how we have a memory for sound; when I lived in Sweden ten years ago at a Bible school, no music was aloud other than with headphones (which is another thing I find to be a social problem of today, but that is another topic). I vividly remember feeling slowly purged of sound and that songs I had not heard in years were surfacing, playing in my mind. I really think this was one of the steps towards the wholeness that I trust God will grant me a little each year, if I keep cooperating.

Back to tonight – I finally had my much-craved Dutch meal (or what I associate as being a Dutch meal). Mashed potatoes with milk and butter, boiled vegetables, and a slice of meatloaf (with mush room soup as the gravy); add some tea, a very small glass of red wine and two small milk chocolate pieces for dessert. It was heavenly. And I ate it using my nicer silverware, blue and white china and a nice white place mat.

I have washed up my dishes, read more of a new English mystery called Jigsaw and feel rested. Thank God for a quiet evening and that He gives the true silence that we all long for.

four years ago, two years ago

four years ago i went to liturgy at St. Herman's for the second time and went to the picnic at Kurt (now Dn Kurt) and Victoria's house, with Phil and Shannon. That began it all and by early October, when i went home for my sister's wedding, i was full of stories about this new church i was going to...

two years ago i came the first time to Ottawa and asked the priest there if i should come to confession. and so i came, after vespers, and soon realized that i had met my spiritual father. and i love my church and the routine and that today, on this lovely two year anniversary, i could go to vespers again...

i thank God for St. Herman's for bring me to the church and that four years later i am still here, in the Orthodox church that is now my home.

Again, a while

Well. It seems I am a semi-regular blogger. Oh well! Life is like that. The (old calendar) Feast of the Dormition ends today. Of course I do not know if this means I can have fast-free food tonight or if I have to wait until Thursday.

Regardless, I have gotten on sale a carton of French Vanilla Ice Cream, have some left over Chocolate and Mint Chocolate Chip cake and am looking forward to both!

My Cat never fasts, however and asks for Cat Milk (her version of ice cream) on a daily basis. Of course I always given in and give her some… : )

But Cleo is the Cutest Cat in Canada (though other Canadian Cat Owners have politely disagreed!) and who can resist a Cute Cat? Not me, apparently.

I started reading Quentin Bell’s biography on Virginia Woolf; I am interested in seeing how and why the English (or a lot of them) lost their faith in God and what replaced this faith. I know that Virginia Woolf’s time period, writing and circle of other writers influenced a lot of what we know of culture today. Thus I am interested; I also have always cared about this writer and admire her writing.

Of course this is a fairly large idea, understanding this, and I have not a lot of time. So it may take years, but it is satisfying nonetheless.

many thoughts, not many words

well. it's been a while again since i wrote here.

so what to say? emmm... not much. i have discovered a new mystery series i like by Jeanne M Dams about a woman who moves to England and is from the Midwest of the States. i appreciate these books very much, as i have moved from the midwest of the States and live in Canada.

sometimes i feel like no one recognizes that this is actually a cultural shift, to do this. esp. as i grew up in the country and now live in a city. and i don't know anyone here who grew up in my same North American Dutch CRC culture. not that i do not have lots of cultures here to enjoy, esp as i am Orthodox. i just do not have the one culture that i am most familiar with, which i was born in, and lived and breathed until i was around 16 or so (long story how i eventually left home and this culture).

sometimes i want my mother's Dutch soup and that is ALL i want.

so i was happy to discover these books because it reminded me of how i can feel and also reminded me that many have been through these same things.

i was also reminded of how much i have been given by leaving ... now my church was NEVER a hell-fire and brimstone church, but when i was reading one of the mysteries, titled _Killing Cassidy_ there is this CRAZY should-be-looked-up preachers who said from his pulpit something to the effect of "hell is within you" and i immediately thought, NO, that is totally wrong, as Christ said "the kingdom of God is within you" - such a difference. this is the best way i can summarize the change from my understanding of human beings that i grew up with (not that everyone was this bad, but the misunderstanding of humans was very rampant) and the understanding of humans that the Orthodox Church has maintained for hundreds of years...

well there you go. typical of me - say i do not have much to say and then say it all anyway. Lord have mercy!

3 years ago

i was christmated 3 years ago today. so what do i have to say about this:

Glory to God for His long-suffering!

(and that i feel happy today)

anniversaries

August 5 was my dad's 55th birthday.

August 6 was the 20 year anniversary of my friend Timothy's falling asleep in the Lord. We were 10 - i had a panahieda for him, gave roses, white orchids and a soft white mum in a heavy cut glass to the Theotokos and sweet bread for the panahedia itself. This was a very important happening - something i had been waiting for i think for 20 years. it is such a blessing to be able to pray for the dead. i had prayed for Tim every night for months (he had leukemia) and i was a little protestant 10 year old and all a sudden he was gone, and i did not know i could keep praying for him. the loss was intense. i had and still do love him very much.

i did not invite many people to this (so if you go to my church and are reading this, do not be offended). some things are so important to me, that i do not talk much about it. i am thanking God for His grace. He has comforted me so much this year as the 20 year anniversary came - realizing that Tim feel asleep on the new calendar Feast of the Transfiguration, having the panaheida, giving the bread to some of my closest friends and doing the flowers were all very important. it is like God gave me some answers and comfort, even though i had to wait 20 years.

the Feast of Transfiguration is also my feast - i was christmated three years ago tomorrow on August 8th. a very kind man gave me the icon of this feast for my chrismation.

thank God for His grace and that the death of His saints is precious in His sight.

Yea vacation!

well. i vacationed all while staying in my city and apartment.

but my friend came (my Cat Cleo's first owner) and she and i had a wonderful time. We browsed through fun bookshops, fancy home stores with all one could dream of for a kitchen, went to IKEA, had high tea, and wonderful meals and times at church and with close friends. we walked by the Parliament buildings and talked.

i love the ordinary days, with sunshine, my church, and everything being normal.

my friend took me shopping, put up my curtains and i put up my lampada that another dear friend of mine had given me for Christmas.

it was so special for me to show her my life, many of the people i love here, my church, those who comprise of my family here, the places i go to and the apartment i live in.

my apartment is almost done! it has taken nearly ten months but i am really getting there! this is the first place i have lived in as a working adult (instead of being a undergraduate and then graduate student).

i am so thankful to God for the many things He has blessed me with!

putting off dishes

my friend is DV coming tomorrow!

one of my co-workers from my small group is leaving! we were shocked... change is always happening...

i bought books to learn French, including collins french grammar.

yep. nerd! :)

but i have to learn! i wanted to live in a bilingual city, so i have to seek to learn.

i joined orthodox circle - you know, i think it is really cool. i really appreciate that it seeks to be a family-friendly, Orthodox site, with specific guidelines.

even better is that i got a book on St. Seraphim of Sarov

will be reading this slowly - with thankfulness and with Lord Have Mercy prayers

i had a short dinner with a close friend, with my best veg. soup tonight and this weekend is DV to be full of things.

God has been so good to me, and i deserve none of it.

so i must learn to say thank you more every day...

general happiness

general happiness i find to be almost wearying because when i am conscious of it, i almost want to hold it up more; like somehow dwell in the sunny happiness instead of letting it pass into a more peaceful relaxed state. given that i get excited about small-ish things, i have a lot to learn about this.

the happy things of the day:

1. my IKEA shelves came. one is finished. the tall 7 foot one, the very top shelf was about 2 inches too short. so they have to come back once the right shelf is shipped out. so this may get done by Mid-August if i am lucky.

but STILL. i have my shelves. my kitchen shelf is all full (which is why i bought it, so my crockpots, juice jars, cookbooks, tea plates and cups had a more proper home).

2. i bought 12 books for 11.00 at the used bookstore in the library downtown. including two by Louise Erdrich and various mysteries; and the biography of V Woolf by Quinten Bell.

3. i got both pairs (black clogs and dark brown shoes) of my Birkenstocks fixed! my shoes i have had since 1994, so while they have lots of used-for-over-10-years wrinkles, they are still passable in my book.

4. i mailed my mom my copy of Harry Potter # 7

5. i had an ice cream cone.

6. i got an A Christie DVD from the library and cleaned more of my house

Clearly these are happiness things. notice i say happiness and not joy; they are quite different, as i think joy is deeper and often comes along side of or from, pain...

but it was nice to have a day off today and my cat is adjusting to new furniture in my house. that and she discovered my bag of mint (i cant remember what recipe i was going to make with it!) and half tore it to bits.

tomorrow: back to grey cubical land. but at least today i was able to be downtown and enjoy the day!

Apparently my internet is back

these last two weeks have felt so busy, it is a bit overwheming.

my IKEA shelves are currently sitting in 2 long boxes in my kicthen, to be installed on Monday. which means i have today and Monday off.

i am reading the last Harry Potter book.

i saw a friend and her child yesterday for the first time in nearly 4 years.

another friend is coming up to see me next weekend, and i am really looking forward to this.

i have been exhausted and am glad for the time to rest.

well. as i am in recovery-from-exhaustion mode, i really can't think of much else to say.

other than that i still believe that weakness can be humans' (only) glory - as humility (which is my goal to have someday) is the crowning glory and shows why the Cross is power to those who are being saved; why the meek will inherit the earth... the voices still crying out, Glory to You, O God!

little details of life

NOTE: i cannot tell if this posted. my blog on my computer does not show it, but it came up in my bloglines list. so i am re-posting something that may be on my blog, but i cannot see.

i really think my internet is doing poorly; everything is really slow right now. anyway here is what i tried to post i think on friday:


my internet is not doing too well, Ancient Faith Radio is merely flickering and my other websites are taking a long time to come up.

why is it that my blog shows one comment when there is two but if i check it at work, i see two?well. IKEA called again.

my shelves will be delivered a week late. so much for my friend who is coming in two weeks seeing the shelves.but i am trying not to let small details frustrate me - what is the use.

besides i am to learn patience, and this is a practical way to do so - good since i have so much to learn.

hard though;


i heard a priest say this on Tuesday; i think i have read it before, but it really struck me:

everyone is fighting unseen battles, so we must be kind to everyone

little details of life

my internet is not doing too well, Ancient Faith Radio is merely flickering and my other websites are taking a long time to come up.

why is it that my blog shows one comment when there is two but if i check it at work, i see two?

well. IKEA called again. my shelves will be delivered a week late.

so much for my friend who is coming in two weeks seeing the shelves.

but i am trying not to let small details frustrate me - what is the use. besides i am to learn patience, and this is a practical way to do so - good since i have so much to learn.

hard though;

i heard a priest say this on Tuesday; i think i have read it before, but it really struck me:

everyone is fighting unseen battles, so we must be kind to everyone

questions

well... my IKEA order, of course, was not done right ...but at least they called me and now it is okay, i hope...

did i mention that i had dropped my cordless phone in my DISH WATER. yep. and i took it out right away, much to my friend's concern. what was i supposed to do though? let it stay in the water? i would of had to drain the water sometime. this does make me wonder though at what one needs to do if they drop something totally plugged in the water. hmmmm.

well i am okay and my phone recovered too!

i guess this is rather the quote trivial day to day things - well - in my life anyway. i am someone who is talented enough to fall of buses and find it funny. (though it was not fun at the time).

i actually like the blogs that deal with the normal things of day to day life, but i am wondering...

the Church teaches us to avoid idle talk. i am wondering what this means.

i love calling my Mom and saying hi - but we usually talk about our day - is this idle talk?

well. i have so much to learn.

i have other questions too - such as:

1. what should our relationship to things within this world be? i bought clothes at Smart Set this week on sale - 75% off i think - but i did not NEED them. how does one discern what is right in regards to buying things?

or

2. i love my apartment, esp. as i am getting more of it set up (or so i am hoping). how much love of things and of earthly place is okay?

when the world is not to be our home and we are to think of our death and of eternity daily, what is good to do?

i read gilead, as i mentioned in an earlier post. i liked the book very much - was well written. but it is leaving me an unsure taste in my mouth, as it were. the book talks so much about loving life here on earth, and all the beauty of it; all while the character is preparing to die. he regrets having to leave such a earth, where he finds things so startlingly beautiful.

CS Lewis in his book screwtape letters suggests to get Christians to fall, to have them love the ordinary world and the ordinary details, to distract them from our final destination and from being a slave to God instead of a slave to this world.

so what does this mean? are we to take joy in things? the book of Ecclesiastes suggests this; some Psalms and Proverbs do as well, from what i can see.

but Christ also said follow me and to forsake all else.

would love any thoughts about this - what does it mean to be North American, a female, in the luxury of middle class, with laptop, cell phone and my own apartment - and trying to seek the kingdom of God before my own kingdom.

what does this mean? how are we to live? i think i need to read St. John Chrysostom and some others about this....

look, a title!

okay. so i am not really sure how to title this. or even what to write. one of my good friends commented, laughing at me a little i think, that i am always in inward challenges. that is true i think.

wow, the battles we need to wage within ourselves! Lord have mercy!

well. my apartment is slowly being finished. i ordered two Antique stain bookshelves from IKEA; i have various things to be put up and installed. i have lived in my apartment 9 months now; it is time to finish my little nest - shelves, curtains, the last of the paper icons on my bedroom wall.

i think one of the hardest things of July is that so many of my friends are on vacation. i long to call them and, well they are in Europe, or like my sister, following waterfalls with her husband.

i have moved a lot in my life - in the last 4 years i have moved from BC to the States (home), to London Ontario and then to Ottawa, then back to London and then back again to here. it is a challenge to re-establish a life, a community; even just to re-establish a life within myself that is settled again, is a challenge.

i feel like i am just starting to seek rest and to feel more settled. once and a while i think of last summer, and how hard it was for me. thanks be to God that He gave me the last 2 jobs i have had (one i am in now) and that i was able to return, and seek to be rooted again.

Lord have mercy...

this post will not let me put a title in the title box. oh well.

i am reading a lot and learning a lot, but i am the type that needs a long time before i can post about it.

suffice to say that i feel challenged and loved at the same time.

the spiritual life is not for the faint hearted, yet i am this and God comes and does not snuff out the smoldering wick.

glory to Your longsuffering, O Lord!

I seek and wish to seek to prepare my heart even now for the Bridegroom and to say, I come Lord, I come.

Lord have mercy...

today i feel...

when i was a kid, i had a cute kids Protestant devotional called _today i feel like a warm fuzzy_ (i think that was the title; i still have it in MI) and it always started with "today i feel...(sad, happy, tired)"

well. today i feel hopeful.

not much else to say, other than Thank God.

seeing

i got new glass lens today (kept my same frame) and wow. i can see more individual tree leaves; i forget every time what it is like to get new glasses and how there is greater definition to my vision.

i was talking to a cousin of mine today about M. L'Engle's statement that we humans have viewS and God has VIEW. and how we all have so many eyes and see different parts, but with varying vision...

and my cousin commented, it would be like trying to explain to an atom, or a quark what a human body is like...

makes me wonder how much i yet cannot see; and somehow this has to be tied with the humility i know i need, but do not have.

Lord have mercy! and may i add, i am still so happy with the fact that i am a sinner and God loves me.

we often have lots of ups and downs in life, but i feel the best when i can know those two things... (now if i could only remember them more often...)

This just in

A few weeks ago I bought a printer/scanner/copier. Today I installed it! This is very exciting. I have been writing a journal for three years and it is almost at 50,000 words now and I FINALLY get to edit it. This is very exciting. The journal is in no way fit to be published, or even seen by others, but I love to write and still have dreams of being a writer, so this is a very significant step for me.

It feels like Christmas, seeing the pages print so easily, on a ‘fast’ printing setting.

For some reason I have to print the pages in backwards order to get them in 1-88 page order – i.e. I have to tell it to print pages 65-45 for it to end with 65 and begin with 45. odd, but at least I figured this out.

My kitchen is now officially my office...as well as my living and dining room :) I am thankful…

I am printing out the last of it now – for those who do not know, 50,000 words in Garamond equals almost 88 single spaced pages of words! I love words… :)

I think the most complicated part now about the fact that I get to edit is that a lot of the pages were written in this past year or so, the most recent written this morning. So the older things I am guessing will be easier to edit than the newer entries, as I have more distance from them.

Either way, this is part of a dream coming true for me… I have not had a printer in nearly 2 years.

Now the greatest challenge, I realise is this: how to edit out idle words, at that how do I edit them out of my daily life…

It feels like saying again “Lord, teach me to pray.”

varied details of my life

1. i found out that AGAIN the pipe(s) under my sink is (are) leaking. took out all plastic containers with baking and cooking, all cans, bottles of various vinegars and oils. will have to call landlord tomorrow...

2. made a really yummy new meal:

simple version:

Rice - make.

fry together:

Shrimp precooked and thawed
mix veg with beans, peas and red peppers (frozen bag, made in Canada)
sweet and sour sauce
cashews

slightly more complex version:

as above, adding to stir fry portion:

a small spoonful of plum sauce,
a little apple cider vinegar,
a little lite salt soy sauce
some red pepper flakes

tasted great!

and fast-friendly

i go to an Old Calendar Church (it was not on purpose, but i am used to it now and find it has it advantages, like having 2 Christmases) and the fast is LONGER than new calendar... ends July 11th...

3. i really need to eat more meals like the one above. really helps my energy levels.

4. my computer at work DIED this morning. and it was brand new! so work was a bit unusual today, as almost everything i do is on my computer...

5. heard pod cast with Fr. Thomas Hopko on Ancient Faith Radio on their pod cast page. really challenging.

i suddenly saw how even the saints greatest feats are NOTHING if hostility, hatred, condemnation of others, judgement are still being done; 1st Cor 13 - if one does not have love, they have nothing.

wow.

it was like seeing another layer of how the Orthodox church understands Scripture and handles it so wisely; i am still seeing how the Church i have joined is, well, The Church.

i have a long way to go on this, but...

my spiritual father said two things are good to know:

1. that i am a sinner
2. that God loves me

personally i find this to be quite profound. and a huge relief...

Lord have mercy!

Ruth Bell Graham - Memory Eternal

Just found out through my feed to Get Religion that Ruth Bell Graham died; i have her book (something to do with pack rat on the front, i love that book and have read it more than once, though not in the last few years, as most of my books are still in Michigan).

here is the link i found out about her falling asleep: http://www.getreligion.org/?p=2480

She has been an inspiration to many many women. may we now honour her in prayers for the newly departed.

Memory eternal; may you dwell in peace in the mansions of the righteous.

this day and a question about God's kingdom

I wrote a post, and then took it off (some may have noticed as it would of come up in blog feeds). I liked what I wrote, but feel that I need to re-write it, based on various factors. Of course I don’t have the time currently.

I am listening to Ancient Faith Radio and in two hours I will be DV walking to church to see a baptism of a beautiful baby girl; she is akin to sunshine to me; whenever I think of her, I think of her bathed in light, held by her mother.

I am having a much needed day of quiet; I have not talked to anyone, have been processing things and doing laundry, cleaning house. I have my A/C hooked up and am so glad for this. My apartment gets hot, and now it is much better. I still struggle with the questions of ecological and environmental implications of A/C but I also know that these machines are made better and more efficient now. I have a small one and from what I know it did not take tons more hydro last year. And it is so nice to dwell in coolness instead of sweltering and feeling like a limp flower, languishing in my own apartment.

I am looking forward to Canada Day, which equals a Day Off from work… two more weeks to go for this. Wow is summer flying by.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to pursue God’s kingdom; I was struck last week that I know how to build my own kingdom – i.e. job, making my apartment as I want it, doing social things, learning French – but how do I seek GOD and His Kingdom over myself and my little temporal earthly kingdom – this is something I have to learn. Must learn, for my salvation.

Meanwhile, I am grateful to God for my new job (am still adjusting but am getting use to it) and that God has provided for me the means to continue supporting myself and even (I hope) getting the final things this summer for my apartment. It is my first apartment that I have had as a non-student and that I hope to live in for more than one year…

Btw, would LOVE some thoughts (i.e. comments) about how you, reading this, are seeking God’s kingdom – what does this mean for you? In your life where God has put you, how do you see yourself seeking His kingdom over your own?

Nothing Really New to Report

i am doing well -- for the most part quite happy - more than i have been in a while. i've been cooking again and wanting to cook (this had been diminishing steadily before; a sign of not doing as well). i am so happy that i have lived in my place for over 8 months -it has been 2 years since i have lived somewhere for a year; i have not lived somewhere for over 2 years without a break of at least 2 months for 14 years (i started working at camps for whole summers at age 16).

i am enjoying the mixture of new job and same apartment.

and that i am still here and still going to my church is the biggest thing of all.

i read a quote from _Christ in our midst, letters from a Russian monk_ by fr. john (SVP published it a while ago) about not being afraid of the future and not to think that bad things will happen (i am paraphrasing a bit). this is one of my challenges (of course i have others but i agree with Stacy, a blog is not akin to confession!) right now - to live in the present. to not worry about the future. to trust God.

i am so thankful; i think of a prayer i read years ago - about God protecting the joyful - i am surprised to realize i need this prayer. ... at the same time i know life can change in an instant.

Readings for this week emphasized the Lord's will - (at least the old calendar readings; they can be different it seems). to this end i feel i am still to do what i was learning before: to wait on God and to submit to His will in all things.

New job, day three

New jobs sure are tiring! I get tons of training – a new thing for me – I am still in the nervous stage. You know the ‘is my skirt on strait, did I spill on myself?’ and ‘can I really do this job?!’ questions.

I am still taking it all in; the one year position that I have is a position that one usually needs at least 3 to 5 years to have; and believe me, I am really not a super-star librarian at all. GOD is the only reason for this – His provision, His grace, His enabling. (Also, related to God is the prayers of many who love me and the prayers of the Saints, esp. St. Nicholas and St. Xenia and St. Herman).

I feel like professionally this job is going to ‘grow me up’ as it were. I have to learn a lot and become independent professionally in ways I have not learned as of yet. The learning opportunities in this is great – I am really grateful for it, and a bit intimidated.

I guess I am becoming an adult in new ways – today I got life insurance (through work!) and put my mother down as my beneficiary; I learned about pensions and the like. I never thought I would ever have such a job – with benefits. As my parents still do not have such a job, I am astounded.

I feel like this is all such a surprising gift that I struggle not to feel conspicuous or guilty for it. Yet I walk forward in it all, thinking it must be okay, as no one but God could of arranged this…

15 days

i found out that i have 15 (working) days of vacation! 3 weeks! wow.

one of the weeks i will take off is Holy Week, so that leaves 2 more weeks, plus a week for Christmas that i can have off, provided i make up the time later...

in my family, as my dad was and is self-employed, there never were paid vacations; no pension, no benefits. for me, then, to have all these things in the job is so incredible to me, i am overwhelmed by it.

my first day of work went well. i was tired - lots to take in - but by God's grace i was able to keep my wits about me...

Tomorrow: the beginning of the next page of my career as a librarian

I start my job tomorrow! Would love prayers – Tuesday 8 am I will be handing in my letter of offer and tax information and then it will begin.

I am excited but a bit nervous too – I feel like a schoolgirl who just changed schools and is meeting new people, going to be learning new tasks. I got a haircut, some new clothes and sandals; I told my spiritual father that I start tomorrow; told others; my family knows.

Today I am going to clean my house and try to figure out what to cook for the week. So much to do… but it is a quiet morning and the sky is a deep blue and the sun is strong and white.

Wait no longer: the job has been offered

I wrote the post I just posted this morning. When I went online I had an email waiting for me regarding my references. An hour later I got a call, offering me the one year position!

To summarize: the permanent position I was not feeling at peace with. (I have not to this day heard back from them). I was concerned that this job would be a prolonged stress to me and the other job is the one I felt myself wanting. I even wrote in my journal to that effect this morning. So I talked with my sister, my Matuska, my Grandmother and my Mother.

By the time I talked with my Mother it was to tell her I was going to accept the job. I have since accepted the job on voice mail and email. I have to sign the letter of offer and they hope I will be able to start on this coming Tuesday, May 29th!

We are all relieved. I for one feel tired actually. Relieved and tired. No cloud nine, no euphoria, just thankful, relieved and tired.

Glory to God for His abundant mercy and goodness that He keeps pouring down in and on my life...

Waiting

God, as always, is wise in His timing. We are awaiting Pentecost. One of my good friends told me of a priest’s sermon she heard while on vacation. She said it was about three lines. About not using the Pascal greeting, not using the Christ in our midst greeting (I am guessing this priest was referring to using the Ascension greeting, which I believe the reply is something to the effect of “Christ ascended into glory”; my Matuska referred to it last Thursday in the church kitchen). Then, if we do not use the two greetings, this priest said, what do we do? His answer: we wait.

Wait and watch for Pentecost.

My Grandmother loves the verses about waiting on the Lord; my Grandfather use to sing in churches – he had a lovely voice and he was more good-looking than Elvis – I’ve seen pictures. Anyway my Grandfather used to sing a song about waiting on the Lord.

I miss my Grandfather. I never did have any one on one conversations with him, like I should have, though I did have some special ones with both of my Grandparents. But I am still learning about him and I really need to make continued work of finding out more while my Grandmother is still in good health.

I know my Grandfather, who many prayed for over a year ago when he died, had a heart for God and for spreading His Gospel. My priest once told me, when I was worrying over my relatives who know nothing of the Orthodox church, that God does not hold people responsible for what they did not know. Well, my Grandfather is a testimony to me still. His last words to me, over the phone, were that prayer is the best thing. This was after telling him that all my churches were praying for him (I have been part of 4 orthodox churches). Of course he also got what they call “a kick” out of this fact; Elizabeth being enthusiastically loving to the end of his earthly life.

I am so glad I am Orthodox, and know that I can pray still for my Grandfather; and I hear him prayed for every Saturday at vespers. I am so blessed and I love my church here.

So I am waiting. Drinking hot camomile lemon Tetley tea in a heavy blue and white teacup and waiting. I keep thinking of the prayer glory to You for Your longsuffering that we sang during the Bridegroom Matins. I must become like Christ through waiting.

Classic Elizabeth (or at least Sheepish Elizabeth)

I can still take the cake but I sure am missing the ice cream. So no news on the job front. I called a friend out West for moral support. forgetting that TODAY is her Birthday. Yes, and we have known each other for nearly TEN years. Matter-a-fact years ago when I was in Michigan I called her on her birthday, not realizing it was her birthday. SIGH. and she always remembers my birthday.

sheepish for sure. Thank God that I have been given patient friends who excel in being gracious.

well, if you would pass me that shovel over there, I will try to start digging myself out... while trying not to dirty my semi-clean wool...

quiet happiness

i had the honour and extreme privilege of seeing John Samuel be baptised!

Later, when i was in my church, i had the images of the baptism coming in and out of my vision during liturgy. Of course i told everyone (okay not everyone but those who know me and also the parents) about the baptism. i was full of joy...


i am aware of a contentment that comes from being in my liturgical routine, and knowing that there is a various church things to go to this week.


so i am thankful - for the normal routine things of life and for a church to work out salvation in...

Many many Years to newly baptised and illumined John Samuel!

Discovering a blog and discussing the self

Wow.

I have just discovered this:

http://janotec.typepad.com/terrace/2007/05/why_i_am_not_a_.html

And the blog it is from - http://janotec.typepad.com/terrace/

What should I say? I am relieved to find a blog that not only acknowledges literature and the importance of words (I was an English major) but that speaks to the concerns I am seeing. Concerns that are only growing in me; I have been wondering how to explain my thoughts on why social justice is NOT enough and is NOT to be the main focus of a Christian’s life but is to be a normal part of it.

I have studied a lot of things over the years. I find myself still thinking of it. I have gone, in the last 13 years from diving into liberal thought (through feminism), back to a more conservative stance, only to dive back into it, but not to the same extreme, and then: I read Kathleen Norris’ Cloister Walk. Though this, and the prayers of my roommate-at-the-time I started journeying out of feminism and into a deeper understanding of the world, of tradition, of what it is like to live as a free person. I have a lot of hope now, because of Norris’ struggle and study; I was introduced to many saints and began to understand the greater complexity and depth of the past and of tradition. At the same time I began realizing how feminist theory was way too simple and failed to do what it thought it was setting out to accomplish.

Now I can see – feminist and other gender theory was and is destroying the understanding of a human person, not to mention destroying the understanding of what it is to be a man or to be a woman. Some theory, from what I remember of it, even doubted the ability to communicate at all, using language. Ironic, isn’t it, that they could use language to say this. Hmmm. OF COURSE I would need to re-study this to remember exactly what was going on. However my memory is not fully faulty!

There is a lot, within what is called gender theory, that says that there is no human self, that all of gender and self-understanding and personhood is constructed, has not essentialness, no grounding in reality. They doubt the conception of reality and saying that all of reality, as we see it, is from a constructed framework, put on us instead of being within us.

This denies so many things. It denies:

*the Holy Spirit
*the soul
*God as the Creator
*the world being inside of the Church, not the other way around
*Christ as in the Incarnation – Human and Divine – Christ did not become a person that was constructed by His surroundings! He was Himself all the way through, consistently, faithfully, without wavering
*the resurrection of the dead and the final judgement
*human agency and responsibility (and it denies that it denies this point)

It denies this:

24 "The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28' For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.’

Acts 17: 24-28 NKJV