Many Years Later

My Georgia O'Keeffe poster is finally framed.

Today was my semi-annual IKEA run.

The sun is warm and brilliant.

Soup for a cool summer evening

A simple soup for summer.

I am currently in love with Lebanese Cucumbers and Deep Red Tomatoes.

The Placemats are a creative use of beautiful

homemade cloth napkins;

I recieved them from a dear friend

who shared soup and tea with me.

(My Thanks).

The world is not rational

...we're living in a difficult and dangerous world, and no amount of sticking our heads in the sand is going to make it any easier. Western man has tried for too many centuries to fool himself that he lives in a rational world.
-Madeleine L' Engle (The Circle of Quiet)

In case my post about worry seems to only seem to be worry understated, I want to assure you that no, this is not actually the case.

Rather is a turning in my understanding of how the world is. Certainly not in my control - and as I begin to live in this reality - I can begin to relax. Become flexible, plan but not in stone.

God is our Rock and our Refuge. Other than this, there is no stone to write our plans in.

A colleague of my Mother's life was flipped this week; his brother was killed after being bit by a black widow spider. Throat swelled shut, vomit filled lungs, no oxygen for 30 minutes, he died a day later. He was at a campfire when it happened. No warning.

My Mother and I have conversation after conversation about people we know who are dying, have died, are severely ill or some other tragic event.

But like Madeleine L' Engle, I and my Mother have also chosen to believe in God and that His love will and does out distance it all.

I have told friends on various occasions that one of the reasons I am a Christian is because the description of God's love and of Christ - in the Bible - and in literature - and in experience of many. I do not believe humans or this world (without God) are ultimately able to create a Christ who is so loving; it is because God's love is outside of our experience that I believe it is true. Basically we could not make it up.

Somehow growing up is learning to relinquish control, seeing a world full of tragedy but seeing also love hidden in the midst.

Really Pleased

I got an

"A"

in the

17th Century

Literature Class.

Unpacking Do Not Worry

Suddenly the truth breaks;

Life is unpredictable; messy; unexplainable;

uncontrollable.

What does it mean to live in increasing ambiguity.

To live in the present moment,

not in the unknown future

not planning for what is not plannable.

French may not work out for me.

Today I found out that in Canada unemployment is taxed.

I will have less money than I thought.

Enough money to get by, but not to save.

What to do?

I do not know yet.

But I washed my dishes. Planned a meal.

Looked at a job description.

Disciplined my cat.

Am praying at church today.

Making a list of all the many things I need to do.

Controlling my future is no longer on my list.

That is on God's list.

I can only do what is on my list and in my capacity.

Do not worry

has to be on the top of my list.

Various Things

So, it appears that the Canadian government wants to enforce bilingualism but not promote funded training to learn French. Right. I may be able however to keep my unemployment and pay for the French classes myself. This leads to more questions and no immediate answers.

I have been listening to French CBC radio tonight and some lovely jazz it was. Listened also to Enya on youtube. Happy music.

God is constantly reminding me of His care. I ran into one of priests I know last night walking home; my friend was home this morning after the disappointing French news and we went grocery shopping; I ran into a Church friend in the mall (I was using it a short cut home).

This week I am going to go to IKEA; I am getting a curtain rod so I can hang up the curtains I bought long ago. I have various errands and need to do some more job searching.

I admit I feel on a wild ride, careening between a sense of despair, a sense of God's love, a hint of reckless adventuring and a strong desire to drive a car really really fast (this means about 80-85 mph in my world).

This probably means I need to be still inwardly...

The Lord and His mercy must be the still centre within us.

Happy Sigh and Prayer Request

Today was an overcast day weather wise.

But vespers was beautiful and afterwards, the sun was shining, with blue skies.

I am thankful for Church and for God's mercy.

*****

I have a meeting on Monday morning for funding for full time French training. As Ottawa is the capital of Canada it is a bilingual city. Most of the professional librarian jobs in Ottawa are also bilingual. This training would really help me get a job.

I am hopeful and ask your prayers.

Small Dinner Party

Cleo always wishes to join my dinner parties.

(That and she smells anything dairy with an immediacy that

never ceases to amaze.)

It was a simple meal.

Freshly bought bakery bread, soup, and a mixed bean salad.

Afterwards tea, cake and fruit.

Read out loud were witty, deft and beautiful lyrical poems.

I look forward to having another dinner party

with such lovely friends.

Soup

green beans (8 ounces; a nice handful or so)

zucchini (2)

potatoes (about 4)

fresh basil

tomatoes (2 ripe large)

white canned beans (rinsed well)

3 or so carrots

salt

1 large onion (chopped to size desired)

onion potatoes carrots boil in 3 quarts of water 20 minutes

add rest plus about a 4th cup of olive oil

boil 10 minutes

Grate salt and pepper to taste

Top with real Parmesan cheese, as much as you love

I love eating this soup with a side of tortilla chips.

I have had many conversations at my dinner table

with friends,

savouring this soup and the praises of it.

Answers are along time coming

It has been nearly 3 months since I lost my job.

Time flies as they say.

I am now researching French courses to see if I can get funding

to learn French full time.

I have money coming in through unemployment until the first of the year.

I have heard nothing about the job contract.

I am trying to trust God,

to deflect crazy thoughts

which come

most readily

when I feel unsettled.

I fail and get up again, and again and again.

Tonight I am having a few friends over

for food, poetry and tea.

I hope to have another literary party later,

when my (old calendar) Apostles Fast is over.

My lease is up in October; I try not to worry about this.

I am learning that obeying God is through listening and doing what He says.

Yes, I know, obvious,

but it struck me the other day

as the command for obedience. Do not worry.

Your Father knows...

Prayers appreciated.

French - Advice Needed

I am researching French classes to take (hopefully full time) to learn the language and pass the government French level tests.

If you have any advice on...

*what to look for in a French school/training centre (and anything to avoid)?

*things I can do to learn French (I am listening to French radio; do not have a TV but hope to find online sources, have some magazines/books)

*any other advice about this

Thanks!

Waiting

This week was full of goodness;

brunch and conversation

various friend visits to my home for tea or lemonade.

Yesterday the heavy heat ended;

I enjoyed yesterday and today a cool breeze

when standing on my balcony.

This breeze and coolness seems a deep gift from heaven.

I stand there, enjoying the breeze,

with a sense of waiting.

I am slowly researching various French courses;

there is a possibility of funding to learn French

while I am unemployed.

If this is the avenue that opens, I will have to learn to be disciplined

in learning a language.

Meanwhile a friend is coming over soon for lunch.

Vespers tonight.

May God help us in all things.

St. Elizabeth the Mother of St. John the Forerunner

Today new calendar is my name's day.

Since my church is on the old calendar, I get this day twice.

St. Elizabeth became my names day Saint a few years ago when I was at a liturgy (old calendar) for St. John the Baptist and my spiritual father gave me her name.

Elizabeth is my name from birth, to honour a friend of my Mother's.

But I know also that St. Elizabeth is my names day saint.

It is wonderful to be given Saints as Mothers and Fathers

to pray for us

while we struggle in this life.

My patron Saint is St. Irene of Chrysovalantou

I know that both Saints have a lot to teach me

and will support me during my travails.

Blessed Feast Day to All!

The next day of the rest of my life

I love Irises.

I my later summers (late teens, twenties) in May/June

I would see many Irises at my home.

This year marks my 32nd year.

This particular day is my Mother's Birth day.

I will call her later on today.

This day and week I was fearing though.

My class is over and nothing new has started in my life yet.

The yawning emptiness of the unknown frightens me.

But I have to go through it.

I know I am in this exact situation because I need to learn from it.

And I need to learn to not fear and to love.

I am praying that God will heal me by His love;

that the time of tearing down, if He wills, is over for a little while

that my life can be rebuilt

and that I will learn to participate in this rebuilding;

in God's salvation for my life

and for the world...

I am learning to take walks alone again

and be okay with being alone

but at the same time,

reaching out to people,

inviting them to my world, my life, my home.

Lilacs are one of my Mother's favourite flowers.

Like flowers slowly opening,

we need seasons to learn how to grow

to let the petals open and flower

without fear of future disintegration or

of wind, rain or hail

that may bruise the open petals.

We need to continue to open our hearts to God's love

and give Him our fear so that He can give us His healing.

Brunch with a good friend

Friends are such blessings from God.

To light candles

pray over the food prepared

and talk and laugh

and read good poetry

is to be part of the celebration of

God's gifts to us.

Lord teach us to pray

and to be joyful in all Your gifts.

Door to Summer

Amidst great beauty, found in poetry

tea cups, the surprise burst of a perfect orange

the anticipation of a summer strawberry

I have been thinking.

We are given every day by God the option to say

YES or NO.

I have seen more that to say YES is to say

NO to despair, to destruction,

to a belief in the world as hopeless

or that we are a hopeless case

unable to be saved by God's

love

or His Son's redemption.

The book, I have not yet read, speaks of a cat looking for

the door into summer;

Cleo loves summer. Loves being all day by my sliding door

listening to the birds, people, cars going by.

Our door into summer must come

by repentance.

We must ask for this door to be opened; and we must walk through.

It seems that our winters often create the path towards this door;

the door's key is humility;

to know we are made of dust.

To see the door somehow we must fight despair.

My study of despair in Paradise Lost

and through reading Kathleen Norris' book on Acedia

taught me that to be in despair

is fundamentally to have a wrong understanding about reality.

It is even to deny what is true reality.

God is the Creator of the World. God's Christ is the redemption of

the world, of us. The Holy Spirit comes to infuse

to fill us

with the love and knowledge of Christ

within us, deep, opening our inner heart to Christ's light.

God is the source of all that is good. God created the world.

God is the definition of what is most real;

we live upside down

most of the time

not living in the reality of God's hope underlying the world.

To be in despair, in acedia, is to deny God; to deny God's love.

To deny the God of hope

is to deny God's redemption as the hope

that underies all beauty

all good,

all love.

And it is in our nights

in the daily work of living

that we must seek this understanding.

We must learn to say YES to God

to whatever this means

and seek

with repentance

to step out of our despair.

Peaceful Surroundings

I am learning

or seeing more and more

that my surroundings can be peaceful

but that to keep God's peace in my heart is a great

battle and one that does not end.

At the same time, I see hints of promise and

that change is possible; to grow spiritually

means growth in humility

and by knowing this

I know more of

how little I know.

How mired I and others can be; it is not for no reason

that some of our Orthodox prayers beg God

that we will repent before we die.

Yet God promises to be with us

to be faithful

and in this promise

I hope.

Done

My class is over.

Paper handed in Monday.

Exam finished tonight.

I have these fears that my Christian read of Milton

(which should not be atypical since Milton was a Christian,

however doctrinally confused about the Trinity;

C.S. Lewis and others talk about Milton

being an Arian)

will be taken poorly.

It is sad, however, to be concerned

that one's reading of literature

may or may not be met

with understanding

or

something.

I will not know until later, if ever, how I came across.

I did my best;

enjoyed myself;

but am sad at times

at how Christians are seen

how God is misread

how little

grace

there can be towards Christians

or

earlier Christian Literature.

Lord have mercy.

Prayers for…

A childhood friend’s Mother had brain surgery today; the surgery took hours. Cancer.

Another childhood friend and classmate also has brain cancer – for the second time – his wife is expecting their fourth child. The surgery did not get all of the tumour.

A dear friend’s father has surgery within the next hours – cancer again.

And there are others having tests as well.

The sermon this past Sunday was about joy in suffering as a work of the Holy Spirit.

Lord have mercy; Holy Theotokos save us. St. Nectarios please pray for us.

Amen.

Here...

I handed my paper in.

Will try to blog about that later;

what I learned.

My final exam is Thursday night.

I am weary

but seeking to rejoice

in the midst.

(My blog comments are fewer on other blogs I read for now,

I hope to be back to 'normal' after the weekend).

A Study of Despair in Paradise Lost by Joan F Gilliland

I have been editing my paper

on Milton's despair.

I love finding sentences that need weeding out;

the hope of creating a well written paper

swells, a joy, hiding within me,

as I sit by the window in the 5th floor

of the University library.

I discovered a former Professor

former as she died in 1997. Cancer at 65.

Joan F. Gilliland

is her name.

she wrote a PdD on Milton's despair

in 1977

I was 1 years old,

she was 45.

I am a librarian

and did my research to find her work.

I found out where she taught.

I found an obituary online

announcing her death.

She was the daughter in the 1930s

to Missionaries in the Philippines.

She must of been a fascinating woman.

Her funeral was at a Christian place;

I pray that she died a Christian,

just like I pray that I will one day also die.

Meanwhile I am reading the printed pages

of her PhD

typed, printed from microfilm;

and I learn so much

and think of her,

wondering at the amount of hope

she felt writing

complex sentences on despair.

It is a surprisingly hopeful topic,

she talks about the theological history

of the Church Fathers, of Aquinas,

of the 17th Century,

of deep Christian truths.

I hope it made her feel as alive

as it does for me.

For it is in hope that we can say of her,

Memory Eternal.

The Brothers Karamazov

I am slowly reading The Brothers Karamazov.

This passage really struck me; the whole book is incredible; I am still at the beginning of it and am aware of how full of light it is.

"Are you speaking the truth? Well, now, after such a confession, I believe that you are sincere and good at heart. If you do not attain happiness, always remember that you are on the right road, and try not to leave it. Above all, avoid falsehood, every kind of falsehood, especially falseness to yourself. Watch over your own deceitfulness and look into it every hour, every minute. Avoid being scornful, both to others and to yourself. What seems to you bad within you will grow purer from the very fact of your observing it in yourself. Avoid fear, too, though fear is only the consequence of every sort of falsehood. Never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love. Don't be frightened overmuch even at your evil actions. I am sorry I can say nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the slight of all. Men, will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on the stage. But active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science. But I predict that just when you see with horror that in spite of all your efforts you are getting further and further from your goal instead of nearer to it- at that very moment I predict that you will reach it and behold clearly the miraculous power of the Lord who has been all the time loving and mysteriously guiding you. Forgive me for not being able to stay longer with you. They are waiting for me. Good-bye.”
The lady was weeping.

An Act of God's Mercy

As some know, my Sister and Brother-in-Law desire to be Protestant missionaries to orphans in Romania. They have seen God leading them for the past three years in this direction. They have been praying that their house would sell. In Michigan, where we all grew up, it is fully a buyers market. Today, they accepted an offer on their house.

Also today, my Grandmother, whose house has been on the market for over two years, had her counter offer accepted.

This is a clear act of God's mercy; my Grandmother had been praying selflessly that her Granddaughter and Grandson-in-law's house would sell before hers. And to see their prayers answered all in one day - wow - the phones were busy tonight!

My family is very close and this day marks many transitions. For my Grandmother, it will be the first time she moves out of a house without my Grandfather. For my sister and brother-in-law, it means closer to their dream to move overseas and care for Romanian orphans. For us all, it means adjusting to having loved ones overseas. We have already been discussing skype.

Uncertianty

Thank you all who prayed for me tonight! It was a cold day today so I wore my beloved dark red sweater with a funky black skirt and my silver earrings.

By God's grace and your prayers, I was able to hold my own at the dinner. When others ordered fish, I ordered fillet mignon. (It was pretty good, but a bit salty). I was able to professionally talk about being in transition, about the class I am taking and library-shop talk.

However, I learned that I had been misinformed about the job contract. It is not for sure that I will get it - they apparently have other candidates. This is not how the job was put to me when I received the phone call. However I should know more soon, as I was able to talk directly to the head of the library (who I already know on a professional level).

This means I do not know if I have a job, that I will go on EI, and I will look into seeing if I can have the government (as part of career training) fund a French class for me. I have to finish my paper this week and study for my final. Then I will begin doing the other job-finding things.

I am a bit overwhelmed by this; I thought I had a 4 month contract and could stay in my apartment. Now I do not know. But I have to trust God that the right thing will come.

Prayers appreciated.

Tuesday Prayer Request

I am going to a dinner tonight to a library association in town. I know most of the people there (by face at least). Please pray for me that I can have the wisdom and professionalism needed for conversation, etc.

Networks are important for future job possibilities.

I trust that I am still getting the 4 month contract (have yet to hear when I start).

Thank you from my heart for your prayers.

Spirit Monday, Paradise Lost, and Obedience

I went to liturgy again today. I learned that Pentecost in the Orthodox Church is called "Trinity" and that the Monday is dedicated to the Holy Spirit. Fr. Stephen has a great post about this.

I am revising my paper on Paradise Lost and am writing on the despair that is found in Milton's epic. The essence of my paper is showing the despair to be acedia, which Kathleen Norris has examined at length. I research the term sloth in Catholic St. Thomas Aquinas and Aquinas' use of St. John Cassian on the eight deadly sins, which includes acedia. This paper (and the class) has been really helpful for me. It reinforces what I have been learning over the past years. To get out despair and/or acedia is done through repentance and sacrificial love. It has been helpful to see how Paradise Lost shows the destructiveness of evil and the despair that it brings. To realize that acedia is a refusal of joy is to realize why the Saints are so joy-filled.

Ultimately, we are called to love God and love others so much that it becomes an ascetical struggle of self-emptying. I am no where near to this, as I am very young in the faith. I am being called to small (but big to me) steps to grow up; we are called to small obediences and have to choose God again and again.

May the Lord strengthen us for the battle and may the prayers of the Holy Apostles enable us to continue running in the race.

Soon another fast period will be upon us; for those of us on the Old Calendar, this fast is a month long this year. We are called to do what we can and be obedient accordingly.

Walking Along Life's Path

From a walk near my apartment

I read a great poem

by Madeline L' Engle

yesterday.

The poem spoke of an actor

suddenly in a play

not written by herself;

totally disoriented

the actor learns that

growing up

is learning to play a part in a drama

that someone else is writing.

(I would post the poem, but believe it is still under copyright).

I am being challenged to grow, indeed,

to grow up

in ways I did not see coming.

(Perhaps I should of seen it, but that is a moot point).

I am seeing that I have to be willing to change,

to grow,

without promise of the outcome,

without knowing what my future will be.

All I know is that I have to participate in this change

and wow, can it be hard to do.

Lord have mercy.

Prayers appreciated.

Heaven

I was talking to a friend about Milton's Paradise Lost and how I heard, in my class, the fear that Heaven would be boring; better to be here on earth where their is death but not boredom. My friend and I did not agree with such a view and her response really struck me.

How could heaven be boring? It will be wonderful - finally the freedom to obey instead of "doing what we do not wish to do."

Oh for such a day.

Lord Jesus, Come! And when You come, Have Mercy.

A Year Ago...on June 6

It’s funny. I wrote a long blog post but feel it needs to stay unposted. But I wanted to write something about the meaning of this day for me.

A year ago today I made the mistake of jaywalking when I should not of and my foot got run over. I was on bed-rest for two months and it was really hard. The job I lost this past April, I was to start a week before my foot was run over. I could of easily died, if I had stepped out a second earlier; or at least been severely injured.

I thank God that I am still alive. I thank God for the Theotokos and St. George who protected me. I thank God for St. Hermans, Mat. Donna, Victoria and Mimi whose prayers encouraged me so much during that time. I thank God for my church and many friends who helped me (food, laundry, visits, going to the doctors with me).

I had begged God to change me, as I knew I needed so much to be changed. All of the pain of this past year God is using to my benefit. I am being to challenged to grow in ways I had not envisioned. I can see how much I need to participate in the growth I am being called to; I can only pray for God’s mercy.

Today I hope to drop off cookies at my church, go to the Cathedral for liturgy, go back to my church later for confessions and vespers to prepare for Pentecost. I thank God that He is letting me ask for His Holy Spirit again this year. I need God and His mercy, protection and help.

My First Daybook Entry

The Simple Woman’s Daybook

I thought I would particpate, as I have enjoyed reading various blogs who use this daybook for blog entries.

The librarian in me notes with pleasure that the creator of this blog movement is a Christian woman whose house (I peeked at her other blog) I love. It looked very much like a home I would want to have!

For Today...

Outside my window... is sunshine, red flowers in a balcony across the street, green leaves

I am thinking... that I need to finish the first draft of my paper this afternoon

From the learning rooms... I am learning a lot about through my class on 17th century literature – I will miss this class when it is over! I hope to write a series of short blog posts about what I am learning.

I am thankful for... a really good week so far. It has been great to have time to reflect and recover from this past year. I am thankful that with God I can still change and grow.

From the kitchen... I bought a pizza crust and need to buy cheese today. Will make the pizza tomorrow, I think.

I am wearing... a vintage black shirt and a khaki skirt and white Birkenstock sandals

I am reading... The Waves by Virginia Woolfe and am loving it. The Brothers Karamazov for a summer book club; it is wonderful to be reading this for the first time after being Orthodox almost 5 years. I am excited to see how this book can encourage me to spiritual growth. I am thinking of re-reading King Lear and am still reading literature in the 17th Century, especially Milton’s Paradise Lost.

I am hoping... to get news that my contract will start sometime in mid to late June. I am creating... various blog posts for the week

I am praying... for my friend Mark. He has been diagnosed with sarcoidosis which is a lesser known disease that has flipped his and his wife Brooke’s life upside down. I went to a small Christian schools with Mark from elementary school to grade 12. He is a strong Christian and I am so glad my Mother still passes on prayer requests from my old church so I know to pray for those I grew up with. Please pray for Mark and Brooke!

Around the house... It is almost totally clean! My cat Cleo is loving the warmer weather with the window and doors open. I am slowly putting more decorations up and am really happy about this.

One of my favorite things... other than my cat Cleo!! The books I am reading and the friends God has given me

A few plans for the rest of the week... paper writing, class, going to Home Hardware, reading more of The Brothers Karamazov

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

Taken on my way to my midterm (I got an "A" by the way!).

Icon Light

I love St. John of Kronstadt.

I got this icon over Christmas and New Years holidays when

I was at the monastery.

My lampada, at my old apartment,

was lit in front of a paper copy

of this icon.

When I got the icon of Rublev's Trinity,

the lampada became the light for the icon of the Holy Trinity.

Finally, this past weekend, I had time to put up my small shelf

and now have a light by St. John of Kronstadt again.

When ever I enter this room, I am deeply encouraged to see

the bright light by St. John.

Glory to God!

Weather Pardox

Do you see the rain streaking past the trees and house?
Sunshine and rain:
A small paradox.

This picture was just to the right of the house in the picture above.
No rain in sight!
I hope everyone had a great Sunday.
It is such a blessing to have Churches to go to.
Next week is Pentecost (today for those on the Western Calendar).
I am looking forward to this great feast.

The Beauty of Rain Falling

The other day we had so much rain, it was like

steams of water pouring from

heaven!

Really beautiful.

Here are some pictures I took from my balcony.

I love the colours of the umbrellas, wet on green or red.

The water on the street - washes everything...

I love the way it glistens and shines.

I love seeing this church in the distance.

Seeing the Cross when I am walking home

is always such a sign of hope.

Beauty in the place that I live

A walk with a friend. This is the canal near where I live.

The castle like building you see is the Chateau Laurier,

currently owned by Fairmont Hotels.

It is very beautiful,

nearly worthy of Agatha Christie's At Bertram's Hotel,

one of my favourites of Christie.

I love the descriptions of a more Edwardian time;

It is one of my favourite novels.

I love the discussion Christie was having about time periods,

what was gained and what was lost.

I still love the old things –

Linen napkins, quality dishes, gardens and beautiful things.

This picture does not capture the beauty,

the globes of light on the water,

the architecture.

Beneath the bridge, where I took the other pictures.

Do you see the Canadian Flag, flying on top of the clock tower?

As I grew up in the States,

seeing the Canadian Flag still is a wonder to me.

Learning another culture takes a long time.

It is challenging as the main message I have so far,

about Canada, is that there is no cohesive national identity.

However, I have much to learn and research about Canada,

before I will have a conclusion of my own.

I have lived 5 years plus in British Columbia, on the West Coast,

and 1.4 years in Southwest Ontario and 3 plus years in Ottawa,

which is in Eastern Ontario.

I can say I love living here. I can't say that I know the national anthem though.

I am thankful that I am here.

Wow. The bus I in was sideswiped by a van.

I was (just now) on my way to an appointment; I had just gotten on the bus. After confirming with the bus driver that I was on the right bus, he pulled out. I was not yet sitting and all of a sudden there was a huge BANG. The bus had hit the side of a van, the driver's side window cracked, the bus' side mirrors torn off. I was almost thrown to the ground on impact, but caught a bus rail. The bus driver called his people immediately and had to be told by the police that he need to re-park to not block the road. Police were already there for another incident.

I could tell that the driver was in shock; I am in shock. Hearing the police man tell the driver to stop talking to his person, reminded me of when I got hit by a car all most a year ago. "Madame, get off your cell phone, Madame, we need to talk to you now, Madame."

I got off the bus as soon as I could; went home and called to reschedule my appointment.

My body got wrenched when I was thrown (but caught myself). Good thing I have bath salts.

WOW. Scary. No one was hurt.

We need Jesus and the Holy Angels every moment of our days.

Challenges and Questions

I think the informal interview went well. They have to ensure that the funding will be available before the contract can be offered. I should know by next Tuesday.

I was really exhausted after the interview; it was strange to be back at the library where I started my career. (As it is a government library, it is not open to the public; I had not been back since I left two years ago).

I have a lot of questions yet and I am discovering that they are big questions.

Questions about the meaning of life and one's identity. Work and career in this century define what is means to be a person. I do not think this should be but it must be acknowledged that this happens.

I feel like I am walking around with a tear in the middle of my being - who am I? what does God want me to be? I thought identity crisis happened when someone was, well, older than I.

Questions of can I find a job that will not kill me; will I have to move? None of this is resolved. I love where I may be working. I even learned that the job they would have me in they are making into a real job. Just like last time I was there. The problem: I cannot even apply for the job because I am not bilingual.

This is hard.

I love English literature, but my sense is that the financial risk to try to be a professor, and the grueling pace that is involved, is not something I am up for.

So...if I am supposed to be a librarian, how am I to get a job in Ottawa without intensive French training?

What does it mean to be a working professional? To what am I working towards, other than paying off my school loans and rent and food? What does it mean to be a single Orthodox Christian woman in this century?

These are questions I am asking.

4 Month Contract

I got an unexpected call today from a former employer (government) who I loved working for. They said they have a 4 month casual (as in a short term contract) position that they want me for! The interview would be a formality!

This will give me enough money to live on, save money (in case I do not have work come September) for rent! It means I will not have to move out of my apartment! My little home!

WOW. This is the Lord's incredibly abundant mercy. A job where I know I am well thought of, that I have experience in and that I can walk to. And that I do not even have to have the nervousness of a real job interview. This could not of been better for me to rebuild my confidence and get another job on my resume.

Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for me that I can have a good informal interview (they told me what experience they want me to talk about) and that this can be a really good summer contract for me.

Glory to God!!

The interveiw is this Monday at 3 EST; prayers requested!

Icons Blessing My Small Home

St. Boris and St. Gleb
When I saw this icon for sale,
by a Mother and Sister of the Convent of St. Elisabeth in Minsk

who were fundraising for their work,
I was drawn to it.
I asked my spiritual father who they were,
as I had not seen their icon before.

He explained that they were Passion Bearers.
I asked what this means,

and he said, ones who bear sorrow in a godly way.
Godly sorrow.

I knew I needed them, to help me when I was sad.
The icon first went to some friends who I felt needed them first.
I have had the icon back, since January of this year.
It did not have a way to be hung,
so I had to go to the hardware store before I could put it up.

On Tuesday I hung this Icon up for the first time.

Rublev's Trinity.
The centre of this part of my Icon Corner.

A few months back, during a sleepless night,

I sat on my floor and just looked at this Icon,

with the lampada lit.

I was consoled, comforted and at last, able to sleep again.

The lampada was a gift from a friend,

a few years ago.

It is one of most beautiful things I have.

Lighting candles for and in prayer

is an abiding sign and experience of hope.

My special small Icon of the Theotokos.
I bought this Icon when I first went to
Holy Dormition Monastery
The first Sunday after my chrismation.
This Icon has been with me for almost 5 years now.
It is the centre of my Icon shelf,
And is the one candle that I light day and night in
my icon corner.

God walks with us

God walks with us...

He scoops us up in

His arms or simply sits

with us in silent

strength until we cannot

avoid the awesome

recognition that yes,

even now, He is here.

-CM

When I was 16 (half my lifetime ago; yes I am young; but I am the oldest I've ever been right now, as I am apt to say) I worked at a camp in Ohio for the summer. I washed dishes, set tables, cleaned cabins, helped campers go swimming (the camp was for physically and mentally impaired children and adults, depending on the week). One of my friends, who I have lost touch with, CM, wrote the lines posted above.

I still have the small faded paper that I re-wrote them on, I keep it in my icon corner. I have always liked these words and thought it was time to share them.

In 3 hours

I will be writing my midterm; will be in class in 2 hours (lecture first then exam).

I have been reviewing my notes and studying the texts for a few days now. I will be glad when this is over.

Of course the class is not over.

To be honest, I am spiritually weak still and feel really destabilized by not knowing what my future is! But at least I realize how I am feeling. This can lead to prayer, repentance and hope.

All prayers invited for my midterm exam! Works by John Donne, George Herbert, Francis Bacon, Thomas Hobbes, and Ben Jonson are all possible exam questions. There are 3 essay questions and I have to write on two of them.

I have been taking pictures of various icons in my apartment and I hope to post them soon!

Cooking Query

In library science information gathering is examined - one of the ways of information gathering is by asking your friends. (The question in library school was how to get people to realize that there is a lot of information that a public (or academic or special) library can offer).

But even librarians love to pick other's brains for information and I am not exception! :)

So here's the question:

I have some canned chick peas. I also have curry paste in a jar. I am thinking of mixing these with some sliced boiled potatoes and yogurt. Any suggestions on how this should be cooked? Should I boil the potatoes almost all the way and then add them to the sauce? Should the sauce, potatoes and chick peas simmer in a skillet?

Yogurt added at the end?

If you have suggestions, please let me know. I think I will make this dish later on in the week.

Thanks!

Beautiful Flowers, Hard Questions and Cleo the Cat

Liliacs - I had a great walk yesterday with a friend and took pictures.

Where I first lived as a child had a liliac bush. My Mother loves them...

My Cutest Cleo Cat.

OK. The hard questions.

1. I don't know what to do yet.

I am only getting

RED lights from the professionals

(the few, okay mainly my professor

who is being honest about the field)

about the field for a PhD in humanities.

That and my own research shows that the job market is bad.

And very competitive and intense.

2. I have been asking questions. The MA I could apply to,

I could possibly still get in for September.

Would do it with two of my friends,

if I got in.

BUT with little or no funding.

This is a real concern.

Like many students I have student loans.

If I got out more,

then all the work I did to re-pay would be gone.

This does not seem to be a good move for me,

esp. given that I do not have anyone else (God of course)

to support me money wise.

(and other than a humanities librarian job in a University,

it would not get me more job prospects).

3. What does it mean to let go of this dream?

We are taught to be such idealists.

That we can do anything we want

unlimited optimism or

at least naivete.

This article talks about the students who

are considering graduate school

this professor is often discouraging them for doing so.

He went to Harvard and has a job

but he sees that many are not getting jobs.

His article is harsh but honest.

It was painful to read.

4. This one is only slightly pre-mature.

I do tend to worry a bit at times.

Still. I am processing the fact that if I do not get a job

(I've looked online, there are not any full time ones)

by the end of the summer or so,

I will most likely have to move.

I hope not out of the city itself;

I cannot afford this apartment when the lease is up,

if I do not have a full time

librarian job.

This makes me feel sad,

as my one bedroom apartment here

is so lovely.

5. The idea of having to leave to find work

and leave my Ottawa home

and my spiritual father

I do not want to contemplate.

This is the hardest of all.

But I know that God is with me.

I know that He can do anything; I know I am seek to not be afraid

and be at peace.

So I will continue trying to do so.

And to learn to love God

through this time.

And so I seek to be thankful.

Pictures of this week

Wine and Chocolate during the Paschal season.

I made a cake.

The trick with a cake mix is to add each ingredient and gently mix

before adding the next item.

The result is more soft and moist.

The result. A cake that went to church and was loved by many.

Spring is here. These are flowers near where I live.

Not Knowing Can Be Hard

God has blessed me so much with family and friends. I do not know how we get on without such support.

Today I went to liturgy for Mid-Pentecost. Beautiful. A Feast Day. I wore paschal white and my deep pink scarf. Dressing up for feasts is, especially when life is challenging, important; putting on one's best is an act of courage. And, in this case, of worship.

I finally called World Vision. I have no income coming in, do not know what I am doing yet and felt that I could not continue paying monthly support to the child. This is in deferment until November, or until I call to say otherwise. This was not an easy decision and not made without tears.

I am learning more on being present to where I am. Cleo is sitting by my feet. The sun is shining. My apartment is in the process of being cleaned, again. I feel a bit overwhelmed, but I am trying to do the best I can with today.

Life Direction Is Not Easy

I had my third class yesterday. I enjoy my class.

The hardest thing for me is that we are dealing with a century where most people in Great Britain believed in God. A theologically rich century, as it were. My professor is great, supportive, a wonderful teacher. But I do not believe she is a Christian and her understanding of the Scriptures, the Church and texts are quite post-modern.

It can be hard to live in such a non-Christian world now.

My professor and I have been talking about the fact that the job market in English Lit with a PhD is very competitive and intense. After class I did some research. I had already read an Amanda Cross mystery novel that discusses this problem (A. Cross is now a retired English professor and her sleuth is an English professor) and the huge MLA (Modern Language Association) rat-race to try to get a job.

I found this book:

The Last Professors: The Corporate University and the Fate of the Humanities By Frank Donoghue Published by Fordham Univ Press, 2008

which I read pages from online. The situation is incredibly bleak, with more PhDs with jobs. And I know that the culture of today is not supporting meaningful scholarship like in the past. Universities, I have heard, are getting rid of their classics departments; English departments may be jeopardized. Why? Because of the end result of capitalism and a "for profit" only orientation. Why else? Because our culture has ceased to care about truth, about exploration of what it means to be human. Because of despair and deep apathy to searching for meaning in life. Because many people have ceased to believe in God and are left with only themselves.

And it is not just the humanities either. Canada is destroying true scientific research; I used to work at their science library and the government has drastically (were talking OVER 50%) cut their budget.

Which also means that within a year here in Ottawa, there are going to be a lot of librarians looking for work.

Well. What to do? I am going to keep doing my class. I am still going to see if I can do the MA and if I can get funding for it. But what I will end up deciding and what way I will go - I don't know yet.

This part is hard. Not to mention the fact that I have no rich relatives to provide for me, nor do I own my apartment.

Lord have mercy in the midst of these questions.

Mystery Books

I read my first mystery book since Lent - Pick Your Poison by Leann Sweeney. I bought it at Prime Crime Mystery Store in Ottawa. I love the bookstore, but am careful not to go there too often. Especially since I don't have a job at this precise moment.

However it was used and I enjoyed it.

Mystery books today are an interesting part of the publishing industry. This one was published by Penguin in softcover, which is a bit of a coup, if I understand the publishing world. It is possible that it is now inversed, paperback publishing not meaning it went past the hardcover printing; I am not sure.

Anyway. There were a few editorial glitches. Picky - maybe. In the paragraph the line where the character introduces her mother as dying when she and twin were 3 is repeated almost word-for-word. It appears that the author failed to introduce a name of a key character properly and I was left wondering where this name came from. (I looked pages and pages back trying to find it). And there was a typo towards the end of the book, with a word misspelled.

SIGH. Sometimes I wish I was a book editor. Perhaps I missed part of my calling in life. I really love editing and analyzing books.

There were some great parts in the book - really funny cohesively written themes that kept the characterization of Abby Rose, the main character of the book, more dynamic. However, I felt though that it was a bit too full of stock characters. Trying to be a mix of an English mystery novel of a rich woman set in Texas with the hot detective with an Evil-Ex scenario. So Agatha Christie in current times (but not as clever) with a mix of Diane Mott Davidson (but without her strength of outlaying description and characterization). The main character's past in computer science could of been a bit more defined. A strength of DM Davidson books is that Goldie has a career that helps carry her character and Abby Rose, L Sweeney's character did not.

I could see the plot coming by page two, other than a few complications, which is why I say it is not as cleverly written as Agatha Christie's. That said, it had good dialogue, humour; I especially enjoyed her characterization of some side characters who were on the poor side of the money tracks.

I am glad I read it, especially as reading in the 17th Century can be a bit heavy. I would like to see this author deepen, however.

Have you read any good books lately? Would love to hear! :)

Lightheartedness

The other day I decided, with it being Spring
and
my Cleo Cat shedding
a lot,
that a serious brushing was needed.
Here is Cleo looking at the result. She looks thinner,
now that all the excess hair is gone.
So funny...

Yes. That is a lot of hair and she is still a huge fluff ball!

Here she is today, relaxing on my old beloved

gold chair.

This chair was my Dad's when I was young.

We played spaceship, sitting backwards,

with the navy blue bottons.

As I live alone,
Cleo is a huge comfort to me.
She makes me laugh
needs my affection and
is a living presence in my small home.

I am grateful to God for her.

Further Thoughts

I talked to a very dear friend recently about my question - what is the difference or how to understand how to depend on God while working out one's salvation.

Particularly, I have been thinking about this:

If someone is calling out your strengths - naming them - telling them to you - it can be incredibly encouraging.

I, in my faulty understanding of the spiritual life, can still get confused by this. How does one reconcile acknowledging, naming and owning one's strengths with the need to depend on God? I struggle with a fear of forgetting God, of stepping out of bounds, trying to live my life on my own strength instead of God's.

My friend reminded me of what humility is - having a true understanding of one's self. This includes knowing one's strengths and weaknesses. It is good to know one's strengths, as long as we remember that God is the source of them.

I am learning more what it means to live in the strengths of myself instead of the weaknesses.

This is part of a larger interior journey I am on, which can be summerized this way:

We have souls, and we must learn to live in them.

Great Lines

The words, taken at their face value, are very startling to a modern audience; but those who cannot face such startling should not read old books.

C.S. Lewis, A Preface to Paradise Lost (p. 74-75)

Progression

I am working on my paper, read the poems for class (I love John Donne!), and found out today that I need to put together my research proposal sooner that I expected for my application for my English MA.

Whew.

I am enjoying this time though.

A holy hieromonk visited us this past weekend at my Church and he spoke of the 40 days of Brightness as a time of renewal for us, body and soul.

I feel a sense of this renewal by working on this class.

Ironically, or what appears ironic at the surface, is that I am writing my paper on despair. Actually I am tracing the movement of the characters in Paradise Lost (other than God the Father and Son) in relation to the despair they are in. Acedia - Kathleen Norris started me on the awareness of this years ago with her writings on acedia. Of course now her latest book focuses on the topic exclusively.

Did you know that the Catholic St. Thomas Aquinas used St. John Cassian's writings to explain sloth? I found it very helpful to read that sloth is considered not only to be a form of hatred towards God (by avoiding / hating spiritual good) but also an opposite to joy.

Wow.

This made Fr. Roman Braga's emphasis on joy more real and understandable. Of course if we think of St. Seraphim of Sarov, and how he called those he met, 'his joy' and how he lived the reality of Pascha year round, the world suddenly is full of brightness.