Insomnia, Autism and Complex PTSD and music and blurry vision

When I became mentally ill because of a severely wrong dosage of prednisone, I was on a rack of suffering unlike anything I had experienced until that time.  

The last time I went to NYC before I lost my memory completely, I had such serve insomnia that I had trouble seeing at all.  

But because of my neurodivergence and the level of mental illness I had desended to, I didn't know how to articulate what was happening.  That I could barely see because of the insomnia my vision was very very blurry.  I could not read Street signs.  Bill boards were harder to read.

I had to ask people constantly "I am going here, which street am I going on?" Or "Am I going right or left down this street?" Or "which way is 79th Street?" Which actually are very normal questions to a New Yorker who lives in a famous city where tons of tourists come to. 

That whole trip was a miracle.  I was manic on prednisone, everything was incredibly beautiful and I felt like I was at the MET seeing the most incredible art work when I was just walking down city streets on the way to my library.

If my Husband had realized what state I was actually in, he would have never allowed me to go at all.  But I didn't know myself because I don't see categories/ levels/ hierarchy like others do. 

Which is why I found a lot of people strange or very funny because I see differently than some.

Famous people, royalty and the like don't mean anything to me. Because I only see them as people like anyone else.  So I can easily talk with them and be totally comfortable because I don't see any difference between them and myself.

I know, it can lead to some really possibly comically bad scenarios because I seem insubordinate to "higher ups" in social situations.  

I had a really bad boss once (that means really wrong fit) who took a very strong dislike to me instantly because I treated her as an equal with myself.  Apparently underlyings were to act like feudal slaves who kiss the shadows of the bosses feet while they grovel on the ground in abject humiliation.  That means my boss was mad at me basically instantly because I said I needed time off in our first meeting I had with her.  To my credit she was having a meeting with me and another new employee and he had just mentioned the time he needed off so I was just following suit.  But see she could not see me.  I was in a secretarial role and the other guy was a PhD in a more prestigious position.

But like I can't see that sort of thing and I already had lots of friends who have PhDs and no offense but I am highly and strangely intelligent and my writing project is like doing 3 PhDs in one epic project.  I know that because I read PhDs and Bibliography at the back of some PhDs (in last 20 years) in the humanities are shorter than the Bibliography pages for the work I am doing.  

I didn't realize the level of intelligence I have because I can't see levels like that.  

It's just how God made me. I have to be responsible for it and do my best to serve God as I am so called.

I have a friend who teaches at the PhD level who, when I told her my research plan told me that it will take me 10 to 12 years.  That means 2032- 2034.

So I didn't sleep well last night at all and the pictures above I could tell what is happening to me.  I am not mentally ill on steroids now.  But the insomnia I am dealing with means extreme light sensitivity and my eyes were blurry so that I had to look at the picture above on my phone to double check that my eyes are blurry not my phone camera lenses.  Sure enough, it's my eyes. Also dry eyes had to use my fake tears already this morning.

Well, please don't worry too much.  God takes care of autistic babies like me and makes sure our Guardian Angels are sticking really close by. 

I am listening to my YouTube music recap 

Right now on my cute light pink headphones (stimming) and feeling happy in the midst of this.  

But I am definitely going to need to take care of myself because of the level of depletion I am dealing with right now.

Got some writing to do later DV that will be for my writing project.....

Music to me is part of prayer and it's an incredible beautiful journey....

May God have mercy on us. 🙏🎧🎵🎶🎼🌷🌸🥰