Clean Monday

I love this icon so much, 

with the Lord's face looking out so beautifully

and with so much love.

***

A lot of cleaning was done at home today,

I now have piles of clean laundry to fold.

***

Mr. Husband was at work today.

He has a lot of work stress, please pray for him.

***

I made a green smoothie.

***

We went to church and this is where I saw this 

beautiful icon...

I often feel that our priest here, locally, loves Lent over

any other time and it is wonderful, this first week of Lent,

and going to the Canon of St Andrew of Crete.

I am so grateful to be given another Lent.

***

This is my 5th Lent here already in New Jersey.

How fast time goes by.

I can see how much more settled I am now,

I am not a newly married woman now, just having left her

beloved Ottawa.... I still miss Ottawa of course, this is not 

questioned, but I have enough years here to have a

sense of rhythm of the church year here,

of going to the Canon here and knowing what to expect,

what the choir sounds like here (beautiful) and I feel more

settled, I no longer think with as much pain about how my life in Ottawa

was or what the church services there are like; 

now it is more that what my Husband's spiritual father said is true:

I was not leaving my church family in Ottawa,

I was merely expanding my church family... 

***

We are in the midst of the biggest challenges we have faced as a married 

couple, to this point anyway, and while it is hard at times,

I am also feeling a gladness in the midst of it,

and for this I am so grateful....

***

I have begun writing a longer essay about something I am 

pondering about how God is our security and comfort...

For now, I will just say that my heart is being

comforted as I mourn

and ponder so many things... 

***

Dear Patrick, your life held so much beauty and now

we have the opportunity to have new spiritual beauty in our lives

because of your passing, because of the grief, 

because of seeing your life on earth in a whole,

and remembering the many wonderful years you had,

and the vibrancy by which you lived...

What Next?

I am back from the meeting.

She was a lovely person.

Unfortunately, she was quick to tell me

that I had been misled.

Apparently I cannot keep unemployment and learn French

(I was willing to pay for the courses)

even though the job postings for Ottawa

are 95% bilingual

(I saw another posting today, starting with,

if you are fully bilingual...).

So it looks like I cannot do the full time French classes that I wanted.

I am disappointed.

I may be able to do part time courses.

One day at a time.

Do not worry, your Father knows.

God is so good to us.

I must allow what God brings to me be for my salvation.

Lord have mercy on us - Amen.

Beauty in the City

The setting of the sun.

The colours change and deepen so quickly.

Our lives too, change, at a blink of an eye.

I love in the canon of repentance,

that we can ask for

the grace to truely repent

before we die.

I love the vastness of the sky.

And that we,

small as we are,

under such a sky,

are loved.

Strength for Today

In a phone call to my Grandmother,

she reminded me that

God only promises strength for today.

I must rest in this and do what I can within this day.

Seeking Thankfulness

I have been learning to take more walks;

I take pictures along the way.

Stepping into the edges of flowerbeds

and big flower pots,

favoured by apartment buildings.

This is a view from nearby to my apartment building.

I believe it is these bells I hear at 4 pm;

they ring beautifully.

I wish, however, that Church Bells

would ring in the times and the days.

However, I am thankful for where I live

and for what I can receive in these moments, in this summer.

Things progress slowly,

or what feels slowly. But things are progressing.

I feel like this is a summer of healing for me.

This past year was full of challenges -

breaking my foot last summer

and a difficult job experience.

I am beginning to see more of the good

in this past year however,

and in my life.

God is so merciful to us;

my spiritual father continues to tell us,

again and again in Church,

of how gentle God is.

How spiritual healing comes from God when we are open to it.

I pray that we may live in God's mercy

and be thankful in God's goodness

and gentleness.

Rain

The hard rain cannot obscure the sight of the Cross.

I hope it is not like this when I walk to church.

My entire being needs vespers desperately.

I will be wearing my black rain jacket over my skirt.

I am trying to work on cover letters and the whole business

makes me feel really weary.

I fell asleep on the couch and Cleo tried to steal food off the table.

Cleo and I are listening to the rain and Eva Cassidy

simultaneously.

The world is not rational

...we're living in a difficult and dangerous world, and no amount of sticking our heads in the sand is going to make it any easier. Western man has tried for too many centuries to fool himself that he lives in a rational world.
-Madeleine L' Engle (The Circle of Quiet)

In case my post about worry seems to only seem to be worry understated, I want to assure you that no, this is not actually the case.

Rather is a turning in my understanding of how the world is. Certainly not in my control - and as I begin to live in this reality - I can begin to relax. Become flexible, plan but not in stone.

God is our Rock and our Refuge. Other than this, there is no stone to write our plans in.

A colleague of my Mother's life was flipped this week; his brother was killed after being bit by a black widow spider. Throat swelled shut, vomit filled lungs, no oxygen for 30 minutes, he died a day later. He was at a campfire when it happened. No warning.

My Mother and I have conversation after conversation about people we know who are dying, have died, are severely ill or some other tragic event.

But like Madeleine L' Engle, I and my Mother have also chosen to believe in God and that His love will and does out distance it all.

I have told friends on various occasions that one of the reasons I am a Christian is because the description of God's love and of Christ - in the Bible - and in literature - and in experience of many. I do not believe humans or this world (without God) are ultimately able to create a Christ who is so loving; it is because God's love is outside of our experience that I believe it is true. Basically we could not make it up.

Somehow growing up is learning to relinquish control, seeing a world full of tragedy but seeing also love hidden in the midst.

The next day of the rest of my life

I love Irises.

I my later summers (late teens, twenties) in May/June

I would see many Irises at my home.

This year marks my 32nd year.

This particular day is my Mother's Birth day.

I will call her later on today.

This day and week I was fearing though.

My class is over and nothing new has started in my life yet.

The yawning emptiness of the unknown frightens me.

But I have to go through it.

I know I am in this exact situation because I need to learn from it.

And I need to learn to not fear and to love.

I am praying that God will heal me by His love;

that the time of tearing down, if He wills, is over for a little while

that my life can be rebuilt

and that I will learn to participate in this rebuilding;

in God's salvation for my life

and for the world...

I am learning to take walks alone again

and be okay with being alone

but at the same time,

reaching out to people,

inviting them to my world, my life, my home.

Lilacs are one of my Mother's favourite flowers.

Like flowers slowly opening,

we need seasons to learn how to grow

to let the petals open and flower

without fear of future disintegration or

of wind, rain or hail

that may bruise the open petals.

We need to continue to open our hearts to God's love

and give Him our fear so that He can give us His healing.

Peaceful Surroundings

I am learning

or seeing more and more

that my surroundings can be peaceful

but that to keep God's peace in my heart is a great

battle and one that does not end.

At the same time, I see hints of promise and

that change is possible; to grow spiritually

means growth in humility

and by knowing this

I know more of

how little I know.

How mired I and others can be; it is not for no reason

that some of our Orthodox prayers beg God

that we will repent before we die.

Yet God promises to be with us

to be faithful

and in this promise

I hope.