Loss in the beginning of the Holidays

My Oma just in the days before she fell

finished 7 scarves;

one for my Mom, one for my Aunt,

one each for two of my cousins

and one for me and one for my sister.

My Mom gave me my scarf from Oma

yesterday; one last gift.

*

It's hard to imagine that she is really gone.

She was such a strong woman.

And a woman who loved God and her family.

*

Found out tonight that

one of my sister's friends

her age,

just died of cancer.

*

So much loss and so quickly.

*

My parents and others go tomorrow to Brampton.

Others of us,

including myself,

go Wednesday.

Visitation Wednesday night.

Funeral service and burial Thursday.

Will return late Thursday night.

*

My proposal for the 3 month contract is due Friday.

For new calendar

St. Nicholas Day

I have a ride to the monastery and

need to go there more than ever.

*

I can't tell you how amazed my family is by

the timing of everything with my Oma's death.

How even the days my sister and brother-in-law

have for family are the ones

that are when we will be going to Brampton.

God's mercy is very abundant in the midst of all this.

*

Please pray for us and also my sister Rebecca

as to lose a friend who is still young

and one's Oma in the same

week

is very hard.

*

Yet God is with us all

and promises to never leave or abandon us.

Thursday Week 5 of Great Lent

(church picnic picture 2010)

Today was sunny here in Ottawa.

I am slowly developing a game plan for job searching.

I am also organizing a book club for the summer months

with some of my friends.

Ironically, time-wise, the book my friend suggested

and that we all agreed to read

is St. John Climacus' Ladder of Divine Ascent.

I have been reading Fr. Thomas Hopko's book

Lenten Spring

in which he quotes it.

Am really excited!

*

Had some friends over for soup, salad and bread

yesterday.

So uplifting, the fellowship of friends.

*

Your comments have really encouraged me this week, thank you.

*

Still at a loss to know what to think about applying for jobs outside

of Ottawa.

I know I have loved many places in my life;

when I left BC, which included my first Orthodox Church,

I barely spoke for three days;

which if you know me,

this really says something!

*

I left BC to go back to the States and

was back in Canada for school 6 months later.

*

I've officially been Canadian 8 years;

lived in Canada for school before these 8 years for 5 years

(minus summers).

*

I think of and have applied to jobs in the States;

but I don't know if I can re-acclimate from Canada that easily.

And it is not that I don't love the States;

for example,

I love...

the blessed simplicity of many of its people;

the regional differences make for a very varied state-by-state

culture;

my family;

my State - Michigan;

I love the East Coast for it's British-ness;

the West Coast for it's laid back nature

with ocean water and organic food plus mountains;

I've not been to the South but loved reading about the culture of it;

loved Madeleine L' Engle's books that spoke of the South;

So it is not like I dislike the country of my birth.

*

But I love Ottawa.

I love everything about it some days;

the streets are actually quite clean

but always seem dusty to me; especially because

we have our share of poverty;

the homeless man on the corner asking for Smokes;

the woman huddled by her paper cup waiting for change to be dropped in

(and often taking some of it out I think so it looks empty);

I remember one of the older women that I used to talk to,

she barely had any teeth left,

so many wrinkles,

the skin around her eyes was always pink,

made me wish she could have some nice quality soap, soft towels

and a warm bath.

She said her name was Nicole;

I have not seen her this year;

I wonder if she is still alive.

I am glad that I remember her;

can you imagine not being remembered!

So I love these people.

Of course Ottawa is the capital city

so tonight for instance,

when I was walking home from church,

and needed bus tickets...

the convenience store was closed since only one guy

works it and he needed a break;

there were five of us at least waiting for him;

one Asian boy;

two well dressed men;

another person;

we all had cell phones;

Ottawa is funny in that strangers don't readily

talk much to each other;

I was in a chatty mood

and talked to them anyway :)

*

I like saying hi to the convenience person when I buy my bus tickets;

I know the bakery people where I buy my bread;

I recognize the regulars that work at my downtown grocery shop;

I see people as the weeks go buy who also live downtown;

they are walking, or riding in their wheel chairs;

running; walking the dog...

*

I love these people; the streets at night;

I worry about the young people by the bars;

We are all here together on this earth;

how much we have to learn to be kind; to not judge;

to love; to pray.

*

I guess lent is the time when we realize how much we don't do this yet.

How much I wish we had more of Christ in us;

so that others would see Him and be saved.

*

I don't know if I will stay in Ottawa or if God will send me else where;

the idea of else where makes me reel inside;

but either way;

we are together in Christ

all of us who are Christians or who will become Christians;

God is outside of time;

we must seek to be in Christ;

May we go towards God and into Holy Week together.

May we all be saved.

So glad it is Sunday tomorrow!

Yesterday I made the above pasta;

artichoke, penne noodles, Fia's Pasta Sauce

(from a slower cooker book I have),

mozzarella cheese,

spinach.

Turned out well,

made lots.

We are slowly gearing up for the Apostles' fast!

I am preparing a tea for tomorrow

with a few of my friends;

hope to post pictures of it, of course!

It was a fight against anxiety about the future;

I am glad I have church to strengthen

and encourage us in our struggles.

I am relieve that it will be a fasting time,

I pray that I can quiet my heart...

Wishing you all a wonderful Sunday and

for all who are Orthodox,

a good beginning to the Apostles' Fast!

Spirit Monday, Paradise Lost, and Obedience

I went to liturgy again today. I learned that Pentecost in the Orthodox Church is called "Trinity" and that the Monday is dedicated to the Holy Spirit. Fr. Stephen has a great post about this.

I am revising my paper on Paradise Lost and am writing on the despair that is found in Milton's epic. The essence of my paper is showing the despair to be acedia, which Kathleen Norris has examined at length. I research the term sloth in Catholic St. Thomas Aquinas and Aquinas' use of St. John Cassian on the eight deadly sins, which includes acedia. This paper (and the class) has been really helpful for me. It reinforces what I have been learning over the past years. To get out despair and/or acedia is done through repentance and sacrificial love. It has been helpful to see how Paradise Lost shows the destructiveness of evil and the despair that it brings. To realize that acedia is a refusal of joy is to realize why the Saints are so joy-filled.

Ultimately, we are called to love God and love others so much that it becomes an ascetical struggle of self-emptying. I am no where near to this, as I am very young in the faith. I am being called to small (but big to me) steps to grow up; we are called to small obediences and have to choose God again and again.

May the Lord strengthen us for the battle and may the prayers of the Holy Apostles enable us to continue running in the race.

Soon another fast period will be upon us; for those of us on the Old Calendar, this fast is a month long this year. We are called to do what we can and be obedient accordingly.

Lent, nearing end of Week 1

Very busy week.
Canon of St. Andrew 4 parts, 4 nights.

Presanctified tonight.

Wonderful day off shopping and icon hanging yesterday. Finally had time with friends. Sigh of relief.

Studying and other things today and tomorrow.

Work is still hard and I could use prayer.

Lots going on, it is a bit of a blur. I will not have time for many updates to this blog, as it stands at present. I am thankful it is Lent and will try to do what I can and have the humility to accept what I cannot (i.e. be-a-spiritual-superhero-all-in-one-Lent! type of thing). A balance between doing more, doing what is called for but at the same time being responsible to where I am and my other obligations.

Wishing everyone God's abundant mercy.

tomorrow night

is the aforemetioned Christmas Party.

May God be glorified.

I admit to looking forward to wearing my new pretty outfit ... I am hopeful.

May God be with us all and help us in whatever is needed for us.