Weather Pardox

Do you see the rain streaking past the trees and house?
Sunshine and rain:
A small paradox.

This picture was just to the right of the house in the picture above.
No rain in sight!
I hope everyone had a great Sunday.
It is such a blessing to have Churches to go to.
Next week is Pentecost (today for those on the Western Calendar).
I am looking forward to this great feast.

The Beauty of Rain Falling

The other day we had so much rain, it was like

steams of water pouring from

heaven!

Really beautiful.

Here are some pictures I took from my balcony.

I love the colours of the umbrellas, wet on green or red.

The water on the street - washes everything...

I love the way it glistens and shines.

I love seeing this church in the distance.

Seeing the Cross when I am walking home

is always such a sign of hope.

Beauty in the place that I live

A walk with a friend. This is the canal near where I live.

The castle like building you see is the Chateau Laurier,

currently owned by Fairmont Hotels.

It is very beautiful,

nearly worthy of Agatha Christie's At Bertram's Hotel,

one of my favourites of Christie.

I love the descriptions of a more Edwardian time;

It is one of my favourite novels.

I love the discussion Christie was having about time periods,

what was gained and what was lost.

I still love the old things –

Linen napkins, quality dishes, gardens and beautiful things.

This picture does not capture the beauty,

the globes of light on the water,

the architecture.

Beneath the bridge, where I took the other pictures.

Do you see the Canadian Flag, flying on top of the clock tower?

As I grew up in the States,

seeing the Canadian Flag still is a wonder to me.

Learning another culture takes a long time.

It is challenging as the main message I have so far,

about Canada, is that there is no cohesive national identity.

However, I have much to learn and research about Canada,

before I will have a conclusion of my own.

I have lived 5 years plus in British Columbia, on the West Coast,

and 1.4 years in Southwest Ontario and 3 plus years in Ottawa,

which is in Eastern Ontario.

I can say I love living here. I can't say that I know the national anthem though.

I am thankful that I am here.

Wow. The bus I in was sideswiped by a van.

I was (just now) on my way to an appointment; I had just gotten on the bus. After confirming with the bus driver that I was on the right bus, he pulled out. I was not yet sitting and all of a sudden there was a huge BANG. The bus had hit the side of a van, the driver's side window cracked, the bus' side mirrors torn off. I was almost thrown to the ground on impact, but caught a bus rail. The bus driver called his people immediately and had to be told by the police that he need to re-park to not block the road. Police were already there for another incident.

I could tell that the driver was in shock; I am in shock. Hearing the police man tell the driver to stop talking to his person, reminded me of when I got hit by a car all most a year ago. "Madame, get off your cell phone, Madame, we need to talk to you now, Madame."

I got off the bus as soon as I could; went home and called to reschedule my appointment.

My body got wrenched when I was thrown (but caught myself). Good thing I have bath salts.

WOW. Scary. No one was hurt.

We need Jesus and the Holy Angels every moment of our days.

Challenges and Questions

I think the informal interview went well. They have to ensure that the funding will be available before the contract can be offered. I should know by next Tuesday.

I was really exhausted after the interview; it was strange to be back at the library where I started my career. (As it is a government library, it is not open to the public; I had not been back since I left two years ago).

I have a lot of questions yet and I am discovering that they are big questions.

Questions about the meaning of life and one's identity. Work and career in this century define what is means to be a person. I do not think this should be but it must be acknowledged that this happens.

I feel like I am walking around with a tear in the middle of my being - who am I? what does God want me to be? I thought identity crisis happened when someone was, well, older than I.

Questions of can I find a job that will not kill me; will I have to move? None of this is resolved. I love where I may be working. I even learned that the job they would have me in they are making into a real job. Just like last time I was there. The problem: I cannot even apply for the job because I am not bilingual.

This is hard.

I love English literature, but my sense is that the financial risk to try to be a professor, and the grueling pace that is involved, is not something I am up for.

So...if I am supposed to be a librarian, how am I to get a job in Ottawa without intensive French training?

What does it mean to be a working professional? To what am I working towards, other than paying off my school loans and rent and food? What does it mean to be a single Orthodox Christian woman in this century?

These are questions I am asking.

4 Month Contract

I got an unexpected call today from a former employer (government) who I loved working for. They said they have a 4 month casual (as in a short term contract) position that they want me for! The interview would be a formality!

This will give me enough money to live on, save money (in case I do not have work come September) for rent! It means I will not have to move out of my apartment! My little home!

WOW. This is the Lord's incredibly abundant mercy. A job where I know I am well thought of, that I have experience in and that I can walk to. And that I do not even have to have the nervousness of a real job interview. This could not of been better for me to rebuild my confidence and get another job on my resume.

Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for me that I can have a good informal interview (they told me what experience they want me to talk about) and that this can be a really good summer contract for me.

Glory to God!!

The interveiw is this Monday at 3 EST; prayers requested!

Icons Blessing My Small Home

St. Boris and St. Gleb
When I saw this icon for sale,
by a Mother and Sister of the Convent of St. Elisabeth in Minsk

who were fundraising for their work,
I was drawn to it.
I asked my spiritual father who they were,
as I had not seen their icon before.

He explained that they were Passion Bearers.
I asked what this means,

and he said, ones who bear sorrow in a godly way.
Godly sorrow.

I knew I needed them, to help me when I was sad.
The icon first went to some friends who I felt needed them first.
I have had the icon back, since January of this year.
It did not have a way to be hung,
so I had to go to the hardware store before I could put it up.

On Tuesday I hung this Icon up for the first time.

Rublev's Trinity.
The centre of this part of my Icon Corner.

A few months back, during a sleepless night,

I sat on my floor and just looked at this Icon,

with the lampada lit.

I was consoled, comforted and at last, able to sleep again.

The lampada was a gift from a friend,

a few years ago.

It is one of most beautiful things I have.

Lighting candles for and in prayer

is an abiding sign and experience of hope.

My special small Icon of the Theotokos.
I bought this Icon when I first went to
Holy Dormition Monastery
The first Sunday after my chrismation.
This Icon has been with me for almost 5 years now.
It is the centre of my Icon shelf,
And is the one candle that I light day and night in
my icon corner.

God walks with us

God walks with us...

He scoops us up in

His arms or simply sits

with us in silent

strength until we cannot

avoid the awesome

recognition that yes,

even now, He is here.

-CM

When I was 16 (half my lifetime ago; yes I am young; but I am the oldest I've ever been right now, as I am apt to say) I worked at a camp in Ohio for the summer. I washed dishes, set tables, cleaned cabins, helped campers go swimming (the camp was for physically and mentally impaired children and adults, depending on the week). One of my friends, who I have lost touch with, CM, wrote the lines posted above.

I still have the small faded paper that I re-wrote them on, I keep it in my icon corner. I have always liked these words and thought it was time to share them.

In 3 hours

I will be writing my midterm; will be in class in 2 hours (lecture first then exam).

I have been reviewing my notes and studying the texts for a few days now. I will be glad when this is over.

Of course the class is not over.

To be honest, I am spiritually weak still and feel really destabilized by not knowing what my future is! But at least I realize how I am feeling. This can lead to prayer, repentance and hope.

All prayers invited for my midterm exam! Works by John Donne, George Herbert, Francis Bacon, Thomas Hobbes, and Ben Jonson are all possible exam questions. There are 3 essay questions and I have to write on two of them.

I have been taking pictures of various icons in my apartment and I hope to post them soon!

Cooking Query

In library science information gathering is examined - one of the ways of information gathering is by asking your friends. (The question in library school was how to get people to realize that there is a lot of information that a public (or academic or special) library can offer).

But even librarians love to pick other's brains for information and I am not exception! :)

So here's the question:

I have some canned chick peas. I also have curry paste in a jar. I am thinking of mixing these with some sliced boiled potatoes and yogurt. Any suggestions on how this should be cooked? Should I boil the potatoes almost all the way and then add them to the sauce? Should the sauce, potatoes and chick peas simmer in a skillet?

Yogurt added at the end?

If you have suggestions, please let me know. I think I will make this dish later on in the week.

Thanks!

Beautiful Flowers, Hard Questions and Cleo the Cat

Liliacs - I had a great walk yesterday with a friend and took pictures.

Where I first lived as a child had a liliac bush. My Mother loves them...

My Cutest Cleo Cat.

OK. The hard questions.

1. I don't know what to do yet.

I am only getting

RED lights from the professionals

(the few, okay mainly my professor

who is being honest about the field)

about the field for a PhD in humanities.

That and my own research shows that the job market is bad.

And very competitive and intense.

2. I have been asking questions. The MA I could apply to,

I could possibly still get in for September.

Would do it with two of my friends,

if I got in.

BUT with little or no funding.

This is a real concern.

Like many students I have student loans.

If I got out more,

then all the work I did to re-pay would be gone.

This does not seem to be a good move for me,

esp. given that I do not have anyone else (God of course)

to support me money wise.

(and other than a humanities librarian job in a University,

it would not get me more job prospects).

3. What does it mean to let go of this dream?

We are taught to be such idealists.

That we can do anything we want

unlimited optimism or

at least naivete.

This article talks about the students who

are considering graduate school

this professor is often discouraging them for doing so.

He went to Harvard and has a job

but he sees that many are not getting jobs.

His article is harsh but honest.

It was painful to read.

4. This one is only slightly pre-mature.

I do tend to worry a bit at times.

Still. I am processing the fact that if I do not get a job

(I've looked online, there are not any full time ones)

by the end of the summer or so,

I will most likely have to move.

I hope not out of the city itself;

I cannot afford this apartment when the lease is up,

if I do not have a full time

librarian job.

This makes me feel sad,

as my one bedroom apartment here

is so lovely.

5. The idea of having to leave to find work

and leave my Ottawa home

and my spiritual father

I do not want to contemplate.

This is the hardest of all.

But I know that God is with me.

I know that He can do anything; I know I am seek to not be afraid

and be at peace.

So I will continue trying to do so.

And to learn to love God

through this time.

And so I seek to be thankful.

Pictures of this week

Wine and Chocolate during the Paschal season.

I made a cake.

The trick with a cake mix is to add each ingredient and gently mix

before adding the next item.

The result is more soft and moist.

The result. A cake that went to church and was loved by many.

Spring is here. These are flowers near where I live.

Not Knowing Can Be Hard

God has blessed me so much with family and friends. I do not know how we get on without such support.

Today I went to liturgy for Mid-Pentecost. Beautiful. A Feast Day. I wore paschal white and my deep pink scarf. Dressing up for feasts is, especially when life is challenging, important; putting on one's best is an act of courage. And, in this case, of worship.

I finally called World Vision. I have no income coming in, do not know what I am doing yet and felt that I could not continue paying monthly support to the child. This is in deferment until November, or until I call to say otherwise. This was not an easy decision and not made without tears.

I am learning more on being present to where I am. Cleo is sitting by my feet. The sun is shining. My apartment is in the process of being cleaned, again. I feel a bit overwhelmed, but I am trying to do the best I can with today.

Life Direction Is Not Easy

I had my third class yesterday. I enjoy my class.

The hardest thing for me is that we are dealing with a century where most people in Great Britain believed in God. A theologically rich century, as it were. My professor is great, supportive, a wonderful teacher. But I do not believe she is a Christian and her understanding of the Scriptures, the Church and texts are quite post-modern.

It can be hard to live in such a non-Christian world now.

My professor and I have been talking about the fact that the job market in English Lit with a PhD is very competitive and intense. After class I did some research. I had already read an Amanda Cross mystery novel that discusses this problem (A. Cross is now a retired English professor and her sleuth is an English professor) and the huge MLA (Modern Language Association) rat-race to try to get a job.

I found this book:

The Last Professors: The Corporate University and the Fate of the Humanities By Frank Donoghue Published by Fordham Univ Press, 2008

which I read pages from online. The situation is incredibly bleak, with more PhDs with jobs. And I know that the culture of today is not supporting meaningful scholarship like in the past. Universities, I have heard, are getting rid of their classics departments; English departments may be jeopardized. Why? Because of the end result of capitalism and a "for profit" only orientation. Why else? Because our culture has ceased to care about truth, about exploration of what it means to be human. Because of despair and deep apathy to searching for meaning in life. Because many people have ceased to believe in God and are left with only themselves.

And it is not just the humanities either. Canada is destroying true scientific research; I used to work at their science library and the government has drastically (were talking OVER 50%) cut their budget.

Which also means that within a year here in Ottawa, there are going to be a lot of librarians looking for work.

Well. What to do? I am going to keep doing my class. I am still going to see if I can do the MA and if I can get funding for it. But what I will end up deciding and what way I will go - I don't know yet.

This part is hard. Not to mention the fact that I have no rich relatives to provide for me, nor do I own my apartment.

Lord have mercy in the midst of these questions.

Mystery Books

I read my first mystery book since Lent - Pick Your Poison by Leann Sweeney. I bought it at Prime Crime Mystery Store in Ottawa. I love the bookstore, but am careful not to go there too often. Especially since I don't have a job at this precise moment.

However it was used and I enjoyed it.

Mystery books today are an interesting part of the publishing industry. This one was published by Penguin in softcover, which is a bit of a coup, if I understand the publishing world. It is possible that it is now inversed, paperback publishing not meaning it went past the hardcover printing; I am not sure.

Anyway. There were a few editorial glitches. Picky - maybe. In the paragraph the line where the character introduces her mother as dying when she and twin were 3 is repeated almost word-for-word. It appears that the author failed to introduce a name of a key character properly and I was left wondering where this name came from. (I looked pages and pages back trying to find it). And there was a typo towards the end of the book, with a word misspelled.

SIGH. Sometimes I wish I was a book editor. Perhaps I missed part of my calling in life. I really love editing and analyzing books.

There were some great parts in the book - really funny cohesively written themes that kept the characterization of Abby Rose, the main character of the book, more dynamic. However, I felt though that it was a bit too full of stock characters. Trying to be a mix of an English mystery novel of a rich woman set in Texas with the hot detective with an Evil-Ex scenario. So Agatha Christie in current times (but not as clever) with a mix of Diane Mott Davidson (but without her strength of outlaying description and characterization). The main character's past in computer science could of been a bit more defined. A strength of DM Davidson books is that Goldie has a career that helps carry her character and Abby Rose, L Sweeney's character did not.

I could see the plot coming by page two, other than a few complications, which is why I say it is not as cleverly written as Agatha Christie's. That said, it had good dialogue, humour; I especially enjoyed her characterization of some side characters who were on the poor side of the money tracks.

I am glad I read it, especially as reading in the 17th Century can be a bit heavy. I would like to see this author deepen, however.

Have you read any good books lately? Would love to hear! :)

Lightheartedness

The other day I decided, with it being Spring
and
my Cleo Cat shedding
a lot,
that a serious brushing was needed.
Here is Cleo looking at the result. She looks thinner,
now that all the excess hair is gone.
So funny...

Yes. That is a lot of hair and she is still a huge fluff ball!

Here she is today, relaxing on my old beloved

gold chair.

This chair was my Dad's when I was young.

We played spaceship, sitting backwards,

with the navy blue bottons.

As I live alone,
Cleo is a huge comfort to me.
She makes me laugh
needs my affection and
is a living presence in my small home.

I am grateful to God for her.

Further Thoughts

I talked to a very dear friend recently about my question - what is the difference or how to understand how to depend on God while working out one's salvation.

Particularly, I have been thinking about this:

If someone is calling out your strengths - naming them - telling them to you - it can be incredibly encouraging.

I, in my faulty understanding of the spiritual life, can still get confused by this. How does one reconcile acknowledging, naming and owning one's strengths with the need to depend on God? I struggle with a fear of forgetting God, of stepping out of bounds, trying to live my life on my own strength instead of God's.

My friend reminded me of what humility is - having a true understanding of one's self. This includes knowing one's strengths and weaknesses. It is good to know one's strengths, as long as we remember that God is the source of them.

I am learning more what it means to live in the strengths of myself instead of the weaknesses.

This is part of a larger interior journey I am on, which can be summerized this way:

We have souls, and we must learn to live in them.

Great Lines

The words, taken at their face value, are very startling to a modern audience; but those who cannot face such startling should not read old books.

C.S. Lewis, A Preface to Paradise Lost (p. 74-75)

Progression

I am working on my paper, read the poems for class (I love John Donne!), and found out today that I need to put together my research proposal sooner that I expected for my application for my English MA.

Whew.

I am enjoying this time though.

A holy hieromonk visited us this past weekend at my Church and he spoke of the 40 days of Brightness as a time of renewal for us, body and soul.

I feel a sense of this renewal by working on this class.

Ironically, or what appears ironic at the surface, is that I am writing my paper on despair. Actually I am tracing the movement of the characters in Paradise Lost (other than God the Father and Son) in relation to the despair they are in. Acedia - Kathleen Norris started me on the awareness of this years ago with her writings on acedia. Of course now her latest book focuses on the topic exclusively.

Did you know that the Catholic St. Thomas Aquinas used St. John Cassian's writings to explain sloth? I found it very helpful to read that sloth is considered not only to be a form of hatred towards God (by avoiding / hating spiritual good) but also an opposite to joy.

Wow.

This made Fr. Roman Braga's emphasis on joy more real and understandable. Of course if we think of St. Seraphim of Sarov, and how he called those he met, 'his joy' and how he lived the reality of Pascha year round, the world suddenly is full of brightness.

Happy Writing and a Question

I am working out the rough draft ideas for my paper. I am so happy to be writing again. I have a lot of work ahead of me, however. Research and critical analysis of the text. I need wisdom to do this well.

I am enjoying what I am writing, but am unsure if what I am doing is what the professor wants from me.

This is tricky.

Question I am pondering today (would love to hear your thoughts, please comment!):

It appears that we need to believe ourselves capable of owning and handling our life. I have heard said that parenting is training you child to be independent from you, as is appropriate for the age level of the child.

My question is, once we are adults, what does it mean to hold in tandem complete dependence on God while being appropriately independent and confident that we can meet life as it comes?

Another way to say this may be this: what does it mean to live out this prayer?

O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace.
Help me in all things to rely upon Your holy will.
In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me.
Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with firm conviction that Your will governs all.
In all my deeds and words, guide my thoughts and feelings.
In unforseen events, let me not forget that all are sent by You.
Teach me to act firmly and wisely, without embittering and embarrassing others.
Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring.
Direct my will, teach me to pray, and You, Yourself, pray in me.
Amen.

New Beginnings

New Beginnings - must be a phrase used for many things. I think it may even be or close to being a name of a restaurant where my family lives.

I go to my first class tonight! Am listening to Bach. I finished reading Paradise Lost. I have a paper topic and thesis idea.

Steps are being made; it is odd to not know the outcome.

I pray I may make a good beginning.

Picture of Cleo and Ponderings regarding Orthodoxy and Paradise Lost

Here's my Cleo Cat.

She decided that it was okay to sit on top of my black bag and sweater.

She has been a bit traumatized by my change in routine;

job loss means no 9-5 job with lunch at home.

Poor Cute Cat.

Well. This morning was sunny;

I bought some used books.

A Canadian Lit Anthology, fiction, a book on English Literature.

Used part of my meager grocery money;

Chaucer described the scholar in his Canterbury Tales

as one who would rather buy books

than eat.

Don't worry though. I am eating.

I have food in the freezer and money to buy bread, milk and eggs.

I am in book 10 of Paradise Lost now.

This reading has been helpful to me.

This transition time is emotionally draining

and I have some grief issues I am crying out

at times.

I did not learn the healing power of tears until I was nearly thirty.

The Orthodox Church changes many things in a person's life.

For me one of these changes included this particular healing.

Not that I believe myself to be fully healed

in terms of processing grief.

But I believe at least that I am a little more healed.

One of the things in Paradise Lost that strikes me is

how the devil refuses to love.

He is clearly committed to malicious hatred of God

to the point that Milton says often that Satan

has hell in his heart.

I think this particular observation of Milton is worth great thought.

A prayer for Saturday in one of my Orthodox Prayer Books includes

asking God to

"Illumine the dark hell of my heart,

driving off the blackness of my sins,

and raise my mind to heaven so that I may delight in Your face."

Theologically Milton misunderstood many things, however,

he can give much food for thought

and prayer.

My 8 things

Pres. Kathy tagged me!

8 Things I am looking forward to:

1 Spending time with people
2 Finishing reading and comprehending Paradise Lost by John Milton
3 Having my house clean
4 Having more life direction/certainty
5 Book sales in May
6 My class on 17th century Lit
7 Being more clear within myself
8 Being at the Monastery again sometime

8 Things I did yesterday:

1 Dishes
2 Read Paradise Lost
3 Bought books for class
4 Bought two fun books on English Lit
5 Talked to people on the phone
6 Spent hours in the library (see #2)
7 Held my cat Cleo
8 Walked outside


8 Things I wish I could do:

1 Learn to be more verbally assertive and confident – I am working on this!
2 Tell my own future and make it a nice one.
3 Make things better for others – it is hard for me to see suffering
4 Write really well and get published
5 Do well in academia without being internally destroyed
6 Have more discipline and organization
7 Have a community of friends that all hang out on a more regular basis. We live in a very fragmented lonely world. I wish to combat this more.
8 Have Pascha like parties twice a month

8 Shows I Watch

The secret is now out! I don’t watch any. Silly me, not having a TV. Blogs and book reading and talking on the phone are my pastimes. So I will tell you what books I’ve been reading instead.

1 Paradise Lost by John Milton
2 17th Century Prose and Poetry – a Broadview anthology
3 A History of English Literature by Emile Legouis and Louis Cazamian (published and revised 1926-1933)
4 The Penguin Short History of English Literature by Stephen Coote
5 Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris
6 Preface to Paradise Lost by CS Lewis (have not read much of this one yet)
7 Milton’s Ideas by William Grace
8 Dear Editor: A History of Poetry in Letters (this is about the American journal entitled Poetry and has lots of interesting letters from the likes of Ezra Pound, etc)

8 Tags.

Well. I’d rather not tag others, but if you comment on my blog and do this, I would love to read them!

About the number 8 - the 8th day is also called the Day of the Resurrection. For this I want most of all.

So....about that class I am taking and what it may mean

I called a local University in town.

If I...

...do well in the class,
can hand in the paper I will DV write as a writing sample,
get two good references....

then I can apply for a Masters in English Lit to start this Fall.

Then I will see if they want me and if there is still room in the program.

I am going to go for it and see how it goes.

I am in Book 5 (of 12) of Paradise Lost now. I am taking copious notes. I will have to read the whole poem (400 pages) again, perhaps two more times.

The professor emailed me the syllabus today for the class.

I read two poems by John Donne; I love John Donne!

I also found two used books on the history of English Lit - one is from the 1930s and I find it not only informative, but funny - of course I do have a slightly warped sense of humour...

Did you know that "all hell broke loose" is from Milton's Paradise Lost?

This is the lines I read tonight:

"To love or not; in this we stand or fall;" (Book 5, line, also cited as: 5.540).

There are a lot of interesting correlations between Milton, a Protestant, and what I understand of a more Orthodox view of hell as a rejection of God and His love...

Happy Things

On Bright Monday I had a small Pascha Party.

It was very lovely and I appreciate

all who came.

It was a dream come true to have this party.

(Notice the Ikea White bowl setting - was for a precious 2 year old!)

On other positive notes:

1. I will get some money back from taxes. This is good given my current non-job status.

2. I got an A- in my library course! (Thanks for all prayers and encouragment).

3. I think I have almost all of my errands done -

this means I can start really studying for my class.

I admit that I am a bit anxious

about the course I plan on taking.

One thing at a time...

Appreciation

Just wanted to note that I really appreciate everyone who reads and comments on my blog.

I have really felt a lot of blessing and support.

The blog world is not always straightforward.

That I have such wonderful blog friends

who are kind, prayerful and supportive is a real gift.

I thank God for you all!

Loving Literature

I am halfway through reading Book III of Milton's Paradise Lost. I am loving it. It is so refreshing to be working with ideas again.

Themes I have found so far:

*Acedia in hell
*Christ as the one who provides the justice (death for death). This idea of appeasing God's wrath/justification is found more in the Western side of Christianity.
*Justifying God's ways, especially that both the spirits and man have/had the freedom to chose to obey or revolt
*Typology of first and second Adam (typology sees Old Testament figures and events again in the New Testament and is part of a way of seeing and/or interpreting the world; or so I think!)

I am also reading a book explaining the historical context in which Milton was writing in. This is really helpful and of great interest.

Doing this study is making me feel alive again.
I am really hoping that the class itself goes well.

A First Step

I have signed up to take a 17th Century English Lit Course. Begins in May and ends in Mid-June. Compressed, liable to be intense.

I am using this time as a litmus test to see if I can pursue further studies in English Lit. If I can, I can either get a job as a humanities librarian in a University or teach or perhaps something else.

Until I know this answer, I will not be able to get past it. It was my dream to do grad work in English Lit and be a professor. Now I need to see if it is possible or is a dream to mourn and move on from.

It seems that the early thirties for me (and a few others I know) is a time of transition, adjustment and new ventures.

Please pray for me.

Pascha and All Its Brightness

I am very young and a young convert at that – I believe this was my 5th Pascha. I am still getting the rhythm of Pascha, the verses, the order, the joy. It is like floating, the bright light, the incredible singing – esp. Shine New Jerusalem – suddenly I am in heaven and startled to be there.

I stood in Pascha and lived. Aware also that heartbreak on earth does not stop after Pascha. This too is another mystery. How does suffering exist after celebrating Pascha?! But it does. I see it in my own heart and in others. Tears on Pascha. As if we are still Mary, weeping for our Lord.

Pascha this year, even more, brought me to beg Jesus to come back.

To come and rescue us, to take us from the pit of hell. The cup of the Lord’s may be ours to drink, but sometimes our hearts beg the Lord that it pass from us. Yet, once one has tasted Pascha, somehow we can say Thy Will be Done.

The icons of Christ’s Crucifixion and Christ’s Resurrection cannot be separated. Liturgically in practice, in the Icons, in the hymns throughout Holy Week, and on Pascha, it is clear.

The place of hell becomes the place of salvation. The tomb becomes the bridal chamber. The tomb is where Christ’s resurrection took place. Let us stay there to welcome the Christ, the Bridegroom, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.

O Christ, now that we have been given Your Pascha, help us to stay within Your joyous light, until you return, and there will be no more tears...

Can't Wait for Pascha!!

Tonight I wore black and a purple shawl/scarf around my shoulders.

Tomorrow the reversal: white from head to toe, perhaps with my pink shawl / scarf around my shoulders...

I hope to be making my first Pascha bread called Paska (not the kind with cheese in it).

But these things are nothing compared to Christ's glorious resurrection!

The clothes, Pascha baskets and feasts pass away...

Christ's tomb becomes the Bridal Chamber,

we must go to meet Him there in His glorious resurrection!

Holy Thursday 2009

Tonight was the mystery of anointing with the seven Gospels.
Tomorrow is the 12 Matin Gospels in the evening.

I need to prepare forms, resume, portfolio and do research for my job interview.

I feel overwhelmed at the suddenness of it. I was not expecting an interview so soon.

I have so many decisions to make about my life and career and what to do. It is really hard. And there are not many who can really advise me on it.

Questions such as:

*do I take time off and learn French? This is a complicated one. I live in the capital of Canada which is bilingual. I am the sole wage earner in my one person plus cat house. Do I risk not taking a job for the summer and see how far I can get in learning French? I know maybe 20 words total of French. (No lie, I did not have it in school ever, as I grew up in the States.)

*do I go from contract from contract if I do not land a permanent job that is not the best fit for me? Ottawa is a contract city...

*do I change directions? I had missed my English Lit days. But an MA in English Lit will not get jobs. My MLIS degree will.

So many questions. I never knew I would be a professional who has to figure out how to strategically build her career.

Lord have mercy, I need His Wisdom so badly.

Wise words from one of my friends - we only have today.

I pray that I will learn to love God and watch for Him as the Bridegroom in each of my days.

Holy Week and Networking

Prayers requested!

I know that outwardly it seems that I would have Holy Week free - but life is never so simple.

I have a networking event to go to today and an interview tomorrow.

References to contact, forms to fill out, professional words to plan, portfolio updates, wardrobe choices, and prayers.

Metaphorically speaking, my knees are weak and my heart can quickly melt.

Where are the saints for professionally working woman? Any suggestions? Of course I am asking the prayers of St. Xenia of Petersberg, the Theotokos, St. Joachim and Anna.

How to be the Lord's and be strong.

Lord help me, Amen.

Lord Have Mercy

I posted a while back about learning to be present to the present.

I find this to be one of the biggest temptations for me as Holy Week begins.

I have so many new dreams and hopes about the future, that I have to struggle to refocus myself to Holy Week.

Of course it is a challenge as I am have to change gears, do all the phone calls and research about job and financial related things. With EI (unemployment insurance as I believe it is called in the States) I should be fine financially, esp. if I live responsibly.

Each year the liturgical year impacts me in new ways - this year I am more aware of the narrative continuity... Lazarus Saturday, to Palm Sunday, to Holy Week beginning.

I am aware of many people's struggles - school, job and health. May God have mercy on us and protect us. May He bring us to Pasca and to His joy!

Moving towards what is yet unseen

I recognize the signs now. Of grief and loss, of sudden unexpected departure. The sense of unreality and bewilderment.

At the same time, many people are helping shore me up. Love, prayers, phone calls, emails, blog comments, just the right Akathist given into my hands.

And I do not feel out of hope; I just have to figure out what I want and need to do.

I watched via the blog word, one of my closest blog friends (as we have known each other in person first and for over 10 years) change jobs, move and have her life change directions. I remember her reports of using her benefits before they were gone - which is a bigger deal in the States.

My brother-in-law Mark was permanently laid off this week; they want to sell their house, continue fundraising and live and work in Romania taking care of orphans through a Protestant organisation. I already touched on the complexities of a Protestant organization in an Orthodox country. I love my sister and brother-in-law very much and know first hand their love for the Romanian orphans. I thank God for them. They were one of the first people I called after coming home in tears and shock on Monday.

Two nights ago I took a medical sleeping aid. I know myself and if I did not do something to stop the yawning pit of insomnia, I would not be well. I slept the night through and last night I slept much better as well, without the drug. I am glad to have these for emergencies. I remember reading a very honest account of someone who had become addicted to pain killers. I am determined not to get hooked on sleeping meds or anything else.

I have a continued list of everything I need to do professionally. Next week is Holy Week and I must turn my attention to this. In Bright Week, Lord Willing, I hope to go to career counseling.

When I was reading the info packet on insomnia (came with the drug I took), severe stress included: a death of a loved one, divorce and job loss.

I feel like God dramatically took me out of this situation; I was there, I saw, I learned, I struggled, failed and loved as best I could; I prayed for my clients. My icons were there blessing the library. God brought people to me in the place of work to help me survive as long as I did. The job, as my readers know, caused me a lot of anxiety. Numerous things went wrong in the time I was there, starting with breaking my foot a week before starting the job. I feel that this chapter is now over.

The page has been turned.

I am suddenly in a new chapter. This chapter is largely unknown. It begins with me buying drugs, having dental and eye care all before my benefits end. I am in a much better apartment, have everything I dreamed of that I could control (apartment, furniture, the gathering of certain books and icons). Talking with my very astute and personal dentist, I did readers advisory with him for his child (library speak for here are reading options you should consider for your child, based on what his age, reading level and interests are) and felt reassured that I am indeed a librarian.

How to hit the ground running, move forward, act graciously, take care of the inner and emotional ramifications of sudden job loss. I was told the other day that I was glowing.

My move and job subsumed my Fall and Early Winter. My online course, work and overtime at my job subsumed my Winter and Early Spring.

Now is the time of reevaluation. Now is the time of Spring, for dreaming and healing. Many steps are being made, I am trying to stand; in the end, only God can make me stand.

Holy Week is almost upon us. Christ come quickly with your Passion, with your Holy Resurrection. Christ, come quickly! Save us speedily and waken us to Your will, Your Good and Holy Pleasure. Christ, save us and bring us to Your Joy.

At Home

Home in my apartment. I am so happy in my little home with Cat Cleo.

I have insomnia meds now. Two nights of broken sleep.

Am moving forward on many levels. Still processing everything that is happening.

Realized last night how the way I was let go from work gave no closure.

I hope I am not getting sick.

Lord help us all - Amen.

The Setting Sun

God is so merciful to us.

I continue to pray that things will improve. I am asking God to provide for me; I love living here in Ottawa, in my apartment, in my small church-going life here.

It is night now, the city lights are out, I am inside. I slept very little last night - typical when something traumatic happens to me - to have insomnia. It is the old calendar feast of the Annunciation and when I read the Gospel for this, I was heartened.

I am preparing my resume, found career counseling place, I have a whole list of things to do. I need wisdom to know when to do what.

As I woke up this morning (or noticed it was light, I do not know how much I slept) I realized I was still in a state of shock. I was not going to work today to serve my clients. I realized how much I cared about them and that I was sad. Of course the termination was traumatic and wounded me; I have been aware of this too. My little library is not mine anymore to serve in. Just when I thought I was beginning to really understand my work, it was taken away.

When I knew, in February, that things were not going well for me, I went through a large sense of shock, fear and dismay - questioning if I did the right thing to move into my beloved new apartment and buying furniture. But now that the second shock, of losing my job, is wearing off I know the answer. Everyone has different priorities on this one, and I am not saying my decision to buy something is right or better. Not in the least! However, my last apartment had very little storage and this apartment has such a good sense of space. I can actually keep things clean. And the beauty of the apartment, and the cleanness of it, is very restorative. (Also I had saved money for furniture for sometime, so I did not have credit card debt, which can be so dangerous).

And I am able to be hospitable here which can help in the path towards salvation - to learn to practice hospitality, like Abraham.

The encouragement and prayers of all of you, and of other friends and family, is helping me through. I have a possibly long road ahead of me and know that I need God's mercy and many prayers. ... Right now I feel peaceful but in my weakness I have often lost this sense of peace.

Yet God is merciful and is here.

May the Lord have mercy on us all as we journey towards Pasca!

Prayer Needed

Christ is in our midst!

Today on the 5th Monday of Great Lent I went to work. I started my day, prepared what was needed and was then called into a meeting.

I had, as my readers know, been working in the corporate world. A world that I found very difficult to work in. Well, that has ended. The meeting was brief, quick and I was fired, they did not allow me to return to my desk, they packed up my belongings (including my Icons) and saw me to the door.

I am still a bit in shock, confused to say the least. But I must believe in God and that He does not allow anything to happen without a reason.

I think what is hardest for me is trying to know what to do next. I really do not know if I can continue to be a librarian. But I do not know what to do instead.

This is when not being married is the hardest for me - I wish I had someone like this to go through this with. Of course another income would be nice.

That said, God is with me, with us.

Please pray for me, a sinner.

Last Assignment in Lent

I have had a lot of quietness this weekend.

I finished (almost completely) my last assignment for my online course.

I am a bit more hopeful about work.

Tomorrow is going to be a very social day, so I am glad to have had quiet beforehand.

This Lent has gone so quickly.

I relaxed more than last Lent; but I do not think this was a wrong thing to do.

I think (or hope) I was and am being more realistic,

and true to my circumstances.

That said,

laziness must not reign in my house or in my heart.

May God give us the support we need to complete the fast -

we are almost to Holy Week...

Living in the Present

Living in the present is one of the things I am learning.

This means not living in the past - which has not been too hard for me personally.

This also means not living in the future - including what one hopes the future will be.

This one is more challenging to me. When I was in school I would look forward to the next class and how great it would be. Later, I dreamed of how great it would be to be working. I realize that I can do this in my dreams of what books I will read. (Moreover, planning book buying without reading the books just bought; or what books one will get from the library while the library pile goes unread from last week's library run).

Orthodoxy continues to bring truth into my life in ways I could never of dreamt (another reason to live in the present instead of a fantasy dreamt future).

I have been reading that through God and the Church, a human can become who God created them to be. I see is in Fr. Stephen's post on prayer and humility. Losing one's self brings one to his or her truest self is a concept I first read in C.S. Lewis. The Orthodox church, with the writings and prayers of the Church Father's, deepen what C.S. Lewis speaks of.

The fragrant flower of humility. How wonderful it is to see glimpses of what is needed.

Yet, how little I know - when I was a Protestant I would set myself "spiritual goals" as if I could reach them on my own strength! Still now, I see the danger of thinking that I can acquire myself what I am learning about. And so I need God's tender, loving mercy.

May God grant us all the mercy to complete this Lent and bring us to His Holy Pasca!

Email - Housekeeping for Canadians - Spam Alert

FYI for Canadians:

If you have received the following message (with the subject: "IMPORTANT: You are entitled to a tax refund now"), delete the email.

Do not open the e-mail message as it is malicious software looking to obtain private information (known as phishing).

Be vigilant regarding any email request which asks for personal information such as banking info or credit cards.

The email looks like this:

[Revenue Canada Logo here]

From: Canada Revenue Agency [mailto:canadarevenueagency@minister.com]
Sent: March 16, 2009 10:33 PM
Subject: Tax Refund Pending !

Dear Citizen,

After the last anual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $475.20 From 2009, we process refunds through your VISA / Mastercard Please fill the form below and e-mail it to [...DELETED for websafety....] or simply reply it from this curent e-mail !

First Name:
Last Name:
Address:
City:
Province:
Postal Code:
Home Phone Number:
Mother's Maiden Name:
Date of Birth:
Social Insurance Number:
Credit/Debit Card Number:
Expiration date [ MM/YYYY ] :
Card Verification Code:
Card Signature/ATM PIN:
Bank Name:

We are asking for your personal information to ensure we access the correct account, enabling us to provide the tax return. Internal Revenue Code Section 6105 allows us to request your Social Insurance Number, Credit/Debit Card number, Expiration Date, Cvv Code ( located on the back of your card ) and ATM PIN CODE for use in maintaining and accessing tax return information. If you do not enter complete and valid information we cannot provide tax return.

Worm Regards,

Canada Revenue Agency

Short Update - 4th week of Great Lent

Lent - we are nearing the end already. May the Lord give us mercy to keep at the spiritual disciplines.

I gained clarification about "rights" at work. Work, unlike the Kingdom of God, is contractual. It is okay to ask work to honour what it has contracted. Merciful but not being walked on when regarding contractual agreements.

How much I need God's wisdom and mercy.

My apartment is really coming together. Another month and I hope a lot of it will be done.

I feel "at home" when I am here now. However, I must remember that I am never to feel that this earth is our final home. A challenge to our home-loving North American culture. It has been said that the upkeep, decoration and furnishing of one's home has become the new religion. This is something I must remember, as much as I love IKEA, paint colours and coziness.

Church is home though and this past Sunday it felt so home-like; the rain outside, the brightness and icons inside, my church family, the silence. How I wish everyone could find such nourishing homes with such love.

I treasure such times. May the Lord pour out His mercy to us as we strive to come to the end of this Lent. Lord have mercy, we have such a long way to go!

Thank you

It means a lot to me that I was prayed for today. Thank you.

I was able to get through this day.

I am doing a bit better.

This weekend I hope to rest - though I have an assignment to finish...

I just finished re-reading C.S. Lewis'

Narnia Chronicles.

I long for the Pasca of Pascas,

when Christ comes back to take us home.

Prayers Requested

I have had an intense work week so far.
I felt that things were going pretty well lately, overall.
This week I have been struggling with a lot of fears again.
If you could say a prayer for me today, I would appreciate this.

Thank you.

Humans - Dignity - Blog Post Recommendation

Fr. Stephen often articulates what I need to hear. I wanted to recommend this post as it shows how the Orthodox understanding of human dignity.

So much work, it seems, needs to be done on what it really means to be human, not to mention what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be a man.

The world in which I live has very distorted understandings and expectations.

I hope to do a post sometime on what it means to be human in a work environment. Questions like:

What does it mean to be "humanely" treated; what do our "rights" mean and what does an Orthodox understanding of this. (Short summary: I am beginning to wonder if to demand one's "rights" is truly Christ-centred).

Lord have mercy on us all, as well seek to understand Christ's incarnation and that we are made in the image of God.

The Holy Cross

O Lord, save Your people,
and bless Your inheritance.
Grant victories to Your people
over their adversaries.
And by virtue of Your Cross,
preserve Your habitation.
Before Your Cross,
we bow down in worship,
O Master;
and your Holy Resurrection
we praise and glorify!


It struck me today in Church how the celebration of the Cross is so linked to Christ's Resurrection.

I am looking forward to Pasca!

Hard to believe we are half way there. I know I need the mercy of God to complete this Great Lent.

Kitchen Corner

I have more nesting to do in my small home....

In the meantime, I thought I would share a small corner of my kitchen.

A few weeks ago my over the stove top hood-with-fan-and-light malfunctioned...

in the end it was replaced.

For light in my kitchen, I moved a lamp.

I loved it so much that I kept it there.

Here are two pictures -

these pictures do not fully capture the soft comforting brightness of the corner.

Real life is still greater than technology, thank God!

Nonetheless, enjoy the two photo tour!

All of the essentials.

First, Spiritual Help (Icon of the Mother of God).

Second, spices, pasta, oils,

garlic and onion

salt, pepper.

Third, pencils, pens,

scissor and letter opener.

Forth, vase with soup ladles, spatulas, spoons.

My sugar bowl and glass ring holder

are there, in the background...

Fifth, the lamp that lights up the icon so beautifully.

An icon of the Mother of God.
This is one of the icons
from my Church.
I was quickly taken by this icon,
our Holy Mother of Christ our God,
strong and peaceful - beautiful and loving.
I noticed her strength first of all,
with this icon.

I will never be able to fully articulate what I have been given
in the (Orthodox) Church;
the icons, such as this one,
show it more deeply
than my words can say.

For which I thank God.

The Ups and the Downs

This morning at work I got two "good job" emails. It was such a nice way to start on a Monday! Late in the afternoon, at work, I got a "What happened last week?" phone call. Apparently there was some sort of miscommunication that involves my work. Sigh. So it is, up and down.

Would appreciate prayers as these sorts of things scare me a little, even though I know it is just a misunderstanding of some sort. Add a bit of indirect communication and I find it even harder. Sigh Sigh, Sigh!

:)

However, it is quiet in my little home. Cleo is sitting on my dining room chair. I can see my St. George Icon and Lampada from where I am sitting (picture later, promise!).

I am hoping to set up more of my house soon - I have almost all my icons up (save ones I need to get backs for) and I have yet to have my hall way mirror up (it's almost more of a mini-hall-room than a hallway, actually), have my tall bookshelf to yet be assembled and some screw-in-to-the-wall shelves in my bedroom. Not to mention moving things in my living room. That and more decorations, spice racks and other things to be put up and all will be done. So . . . expect these pictures by May or June! Lord Willing!

Meanwhile, here are pictures from a lovely birthday party I was at recently for a very darling two year old.

The Cake. Was most satisfying.

One of the Cool Adults made this.

We had fun.

Long Day

I did not sleep well last night. I am thankful that I got through this day. I saw three people I know when walking downtown - one from each of my last two jobs - and someone from my current life.

I originally hoped to go to a presanctified liturgy tonight. I knew when I kept waking up that it was not to be. Tonight has to be a quiet night.

A bit of house cleaning, dinner making and that is it. I am thankful for friends and for you, my blog reader friends.

Mercy

I was working a bit late today - as usual it seems now days - when my cell phone rang. Dear friends of mine invited me to dinner and picked me up from home. I was so exhausted it was wonderful to be fed good food and be dropped off later at a local grocery store so I could buy the last ingredients for soup.

I made the soup. I have called my Mother to say hi. I have read my blogs and did no homework. I am grateful; need to work on coursework tomorrow. Work continues to be a challenge.

Found out that one my fellow librarian friend's job contract is ending in two months. Sometimes I still feel afraid that I will also lose my job.

I am trying to not be afraid and to trust in God's abundant mercy.

Thanking God for Fr. Stephen's reminder that week two of Lent is a bit less arduous.

I am tired. This time change is good (more light) but hard (going to bed on time).

May God have mercy on us.

Insomnia

Now I remember why I dislike time changes.

Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy

Read this post earlier today.

I recommend reading the whole post from which I am re-quoting from.

Here's the quotation:

"Do not be deceived. A Christian ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked (I John 2:6) who did not seek his own will (John 5:30), but, was born on straw, fasted forty days, watched in prayer long nights through, healed the sick, drove out evil spirits, had no place to lay his head, and who finally let himself be spat upon, scourged and crucified.

Think how far you are from that. Ask yourself continually anew: Have I watched in prayer a single night? Have I fasted a single day? Have I driven out a single evil spirit? Have I unresistingly let myself be insulted and beaten? Have I truly crucified the flesh (Galatians 5:24), and not sought my own will?

Keep all this freshly in mind.

For what is denying oneself? He who truly denies himself does not ask, Am I happy? or, Shall I be satisfied? All such questions fall away from you if you truly deny yourself, for by so doing you have also given up your will for either earthly or heavenly happiness.

This obstinate will to personal happiness is the cause of unrest and division in your soul. Give it up and work against it: the rest will be given you without effort. "

From:

Way of the Ascetics
By Tito Colliander
Chapter Seven:
ON THE TRANSFER OF LOVE FROM THE SELF TO CHRIST

I have been blessed by the quotations that Handmaid Leah puts up. God is so good to us in giving us the Church to guide us.

Lent, nearing end of Week 1

Very busy week.
Canon of St. Andrew 4 parts, 4 nights.

Presanctified tonight.

Wonderful day off shopping and icon hanging yesterday. Finally had time with friends. Sigh of relief.

Studying and other things today and tomorrow.

Work is still hard and I could use prayer.

Lots going on, it is a bit of a blur. I will not have time for many updates to this blog, as it stands at present. I am thankful it is Lent and will try to do what I can and have the humility to accept what I cannot (i.e. be-a-spiritual-superhero-all-in-one-Lent! type of thing). A balance between doing more, doing what is called for but at the same time being responsible to where I am and my other obligations.

Wishing everyone God's abundant mercy.

Lent!

Forgive me a sinner!

I am not sure how much blogging or blog commenting I will do during Lent.

May God give us the grace of repentance during this Holy Season.

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Have a blessed and fruitful Lent!

May we desire the sweet fragrant flower of humility!

3 down 3 to go

I just submitted Assignment # 3. I am very happy that this is done. The rest of the course will not be as hard, as it is areas I am more familiar with.

It is quite possible that I will need to take an additional course to learn more.

I am feeling a bit more hopeful about learning for my job. Learning the book collection still seems a bit daunting.

Now I need to go on with the day - the usual domestic tasks of dishes, laundry and groceries. Also preparing for vespers and the eve of Lent.

Blessed Lent to everyone!

Lent, soon upon us

Lord have mercy on us.

I feel a mix of anticipation, exhaustion and apprehension.

Lord have mercy on us!

So much can be a mystery or not as we expect it.

My priest has challenged us various times to remember that the Pharisees in their day were the religious elite, who were well versed in Scripture and faithful in all matters related to religious practice. We can know all the rules of the fast, attend all the services and still miss it.

Humility. Praying for a broken and contrite heart. Praying for a willing spirit.

How much my heart needs to be changed. And to not fear such change but to seek it.

Lord have mercy.

May we dwell always in His temple; may His mercy pursue us all the days of our lives; May He forgive us for our blindness and confusion. May we learn to see our brokenness, may we learn to desire humility and the love of God.

God's Goodness

I ordered this Icon from 8th Day Books. It was blessed this past Sunday

and is now in my desk area in my small

corporate library.

It is so encouraging to have Icons in the Work Place.

Astounding in someways.

I am learning more for work and am seeing the fruit of it.

Paper due this Monday. Lots of work to do.

Yet I am feeling relieved.

Was at church yesterday night.

So good.

My icon of St. George is in the Alter area now.

One of my closest friends mailed me an icon of

St. Elisabeth the New Martyr.

God has given me such blessings on the Eve of Lent.

Oh to live more in the light of Great and Holy Pasca!

To be greeted by my spiritual father,

vested in white

on earth

as in heaven:

Pasca.

Remembering Summers Past

I realized that I had no clear memories of my last few summers. So I thought about them - summers since I left B.C.

Here is what I remember:

2004 - summer I was preparing for chrismation. Two part time jobs. Exhausted. New Orthodox friends. Sunday nights late at Krispy Creame past closing with these friends. Garage sales to furnish my 1 room studio that I found late that summer. Chrismated. Moved to London Ontario and began Masters in Library Science. Commonly referred to as Library School.

2005 - finishing a year of intense study for my MLIS. Dreams of a job and what this would be like. That I was wrong in what I thought, I have worked through. Walks with special library friend. Beautiful houses, ice cream, friends. By the end of this summer I was exhausted and struggling. I left my lovely little 1 bedroom tall ceiling apartment forever and moved to Ottawa for Co-op. A few months later I began this blog.

2006 - back in London. So beautiful - green, trees, old well kept houses, walks. Travels to Ottawa twice that summer. Desperate to move back to Ottawa and my new church home in Ottawa. Cleo my Cat and I began our lives together that May (I inherited Cleo from a dear friend who married her allergic-to-cats husband). Wonderful to be in my London church and with my spiritual sister. Extremely exhausted after finishing the semester. Said goodbye to my London church, where I put flowers by so many icons. Pictures of friends near my favourite saints - St. Herman, St. Nicholas, St. Xenia...

2007 - first summer in Ottawa. Began second Library Job in Ottawa. Felt like I was really getting to know Ottawa as a city for the first time. Good friend visited, high tea. Church Picnic by Lake. Memories of walking to services in the warm twilight. How happy I can feel when walking to one of my churches!

2008 - summer where I thought I would start my current Third Library Job. Broke foot in early June. June-July recovering. Church family taking good care of me. Started my job in August. Walking to get Gelato for the first time after the accident. Took time to regain strength. Took more time to get over the sense of panic. Church picnic - sunshine, water, spiritual Father.

I am hoping that this summer will be stable - that I will continue in my job, continue in my church life, and have my first summer in my new apartment with balcony.

May the Lord have mercy.

Work and more work

In the vernacular: I am so getting off this computer ASAP as I have been at a computer most of today for almost 12 hours...

Am really trying to do my best at work. Worked an hour extra. I find that I can resent this. Am working on this part.

Got part of my assignment done tonight. This makes me feel a bit better.

Began my book list learning. This will take a while.

I am taking my vitamins and actually ate broccoli today.

I think I will have to limit my already limited social activity and focus on Lenten services and work. I find this disappointing.

May God be merciful to us in every situation.

Soul Saturdays...Spiritual Mothers and Fathers

It is sunny here.

By the end of the panihida my heart felt light. It is so wonderful to be in Church.

Like many I have a long blog roll in bloglines. One of the blogs I read is Christ is in our Midst by Handmaiden Leah. She has a great post about this Soul Saturday and how Koliva came to the Orthodox church.

My spiritual father spoke afterwards about how Lent is coming, how those who have died and are in Christ know that Lent is coming. They live already in the light of Pasca, but they know spiritually what is going on for us. He reminded us that we are in one Church with them, that they are with us as we journey to Pasca. I know many priests have sensed those priests who have departed this earth still with them in the Altar. It is such a comfort to know also that my loved ones who loved the Lord, including my spiritual mother, are with me in Church.

My spiritual mother was not Orthodox, but now that she is in heaven, she understands. And she loved God on earth and was a strong example of what a Christian woman can be - she prayed for many people, she helped many, she provided a refuge for many to begin deep process of healing through Christ. When she died is when God taught me that the early Church (I was not Orthodox yet) prayed for the dead.

The grief I felt when she died was the most intense I have ever consciously felt. It was like living for three days in an eclipse. I remember being shocked that the sun was shining outside. I felt like my Mother had died. I lived in BC then and she lived in New England. I had no money to go to her funeral. It was months before I went back to New England where she lived. For the first three weeks I kept thinking I saw her coming. I could not imagine that she was not coming down the stairs from her apartment for morning prayers. I could not imagine growing up without her.

Thank God that I now know that, while I cannot call her on the phone, cannot visit or email her, I can still ask for her prayers. Nothing can separate us from the love of God and Christ has trampled down death by death. My spiritual father taught us, some years ago, that in the Holy Spirit we can ask God to tell our Mothers, Fathers and other loved ones that we still love them, that we miss them. They know when we are praying for them. At times I ask a Saint that I am especially close with to relay my love to my spiritual mother.

A very special Orthodox friend, whose spiritual father is departed, still can tell spiritual father things in prayer.

My spiritual father has reminded us that the line between earthly life and the life of those departed is not that great, especially when we are in Church.

I am so thankful for my life here - that I can go to the panihida - that I can DV go back for vespers. Thank God for His Church and His great mercy.