Friday, April 10, 2009

Moving towards what is yet unseen

I recognize the signs now. Of grief and loss, of sudden unexpected departure. The sense of unreality and bewilderment.

At the same time, many people are helping shore me up. Love, prayers, phone calls, emails, blog comments, just the right Akathist given into my hands.

And I do not feel out of hope; I just have to figure out what I want and need to do.

I watched via the blog word, one of my closest blog friends (as we have known each other in person first and for over 10 years) change jobs, move and have her life change directions. I remember her reports of using her benefits before they were gone - which is a bigger deal in the States.

My brother-in-law Mark was permanently laid off this week; they want to sell their house, continue fundraising and live and work in Romania taking care of orphans through a Protestant organisation. I already touched on the complexities of a Protestant organization in an Orthodox country. I love my sister and brother-in-law very much and know first hand their love for the Romanian orphans. I thank God for them. They were one of the first people I called after coming home in tears and shock on Monday.

Two nights ago I took a medical sleeping aid. I know myself and if I did not do something to stop the yawning pit of insomnia, I would not be well. I slept the night through and last night I slept much better as well, without the drug. I am glad to have these for emergencies. I remember reading a very honest account of someone who had become addicted to pain killers. I am determined not to get hooked on sleeping meds or anything else.

I have a continued list of everything I need to do professionally. Next week is Holy Week and I must turn my attention to this. In Bright Week, Lord Willing, I hope to go to career counseling.

When I was reading the info packet on insomnia (came with the drug I took), severe stress included: a death of a loved one, divorce and job loss.

I feel like God dramatically took me out of this situation; I was there, I saw, I learned, I struggled, failed and loved as best I could; I prayed for my clients. My icons were there blessing the library. God brought people to me in the place of work to help me survive as long as I did. The job, as my readers know, caused me a lot of anxiety. Numerous things went wrong in the time I was there, starting with breaking my foot a week before starting the job. I feel that this chapter is now over.

The page has been turned.

I am suddenly in a new chapter. This chapter is largely unknown. It begins with me buying drugs, having dental and eye care all before my benefits end. I am in a much better apartment, have everything I dreamed of that I could control (apartment, furniture, the gathering of certain books and icons). Talking with my very astute and personal dentist, I did readers advisory with him for his child (library speak for here are reading options you should consider for your child, based on what his age, reading level and interests are) and felt reassured that I am indeed a librarian.

How to hit the ground running, move forward, act graciously, take care of the inner and emotional ramifications of sudden job loss. I was told the other day that I was glowing.

My move and job subsumed my Fall and Early Winter. My online course, work and overtime at my job subsumed my Winter and Early Spring.

Now is the time of reevaluation. Now is the time of Spring, for dreaming and healing. Many steps are being made, I am trying to stand; in the end, only God can make me stand.

Holy Week is almost upon us. Christ come quickly with your Passion, with your Holy Resurrection. Christ, come quickly! Save us speedily and waken us to Your will, Your Good and Holy Pleasure. Christ, save us and bring us to Your Joy.


RW said...

sounds like you are well on your way
God grant you a fruitful holy week.

E Helena E said...

A moving you balance grief, insight, as well as hope and sensing new beginnings. How good to recognise all that you contributed by your honest efforts in learning and struggle, love, prayers, and icons to the library. May Holy Week indeed mark a new chapter for you!

elizabeth said...

RW - thank you. i hope so.

E-H - yes. may it be so! May the Lord so have mercy.

Emily H. said...

"The circumstances with which our Lord has surrounded us are the first stage leading to the kingdom of heaven; and this is the only way of salvation possible for us. These circumstances will change as soon as we have profited by them, converting the bitterness of offences, insults, sickness, and labours into the gold of patience, forbearance, and meekness." (The Diary of a Russian Priest, by Aleksandr V. Elchaninov)

I hate to just throw quotes around, but having read this recently it seemed to fit nicely here - I hope you find it beneficial. Praying your hardships are transfigured into fruits!

elizabeth said...

Emily - thanks so much for commenting! this is a wonderful book - I need to read more of it...

I am hoping to learn - there is progress being made - the most challenging thing I feel I need to learn is merely to learn to not be afraid. to remember God's love, faithfulness and promises.

Thank you for visiting here!

Michelle M. said...

I pray that you will have a blessed Holy Week and Pascha and then be able to find a wonderful job soon after. Best wishes!

elizabeth said...

thank you so much Michelle!

Pres. Kathy said...

It looks like you are passing through this difficult time in your life. God gives us all Hope for a new day. May you have a blessed Holy Week.

elizabeth said...

Thank you Pres. Kathy! May God strengthen you also for this busy and Holy Week!