Facebook verses Blogger - copyright claims

Mat. Donna alerted me to this change through her blog:

Facebook's license says that they now own ANYTHING/EVERYTHING you put on Facebook and can use your stuff without your permission or knowedge:

"Licenses
You are solely responsible for the User Content that you Post on or through the Facebook Service. You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to (a) use, copy, publish, stream, store, retain, publicly perform or display, transmit, scan, reformat, modify, edit, frame, translate, excerpt, adapt, create derivative works and distribute (through multiple tiers), any User Content you (i) Post on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof subject only to your privacy settings or (ii) enable a user to Post, including by offering a Share Link on your website and (b) to use your name, likeness and image for any purpose, including commercial or advertising, each of (a) and (b) on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof. You represent and warrant that you have all rights and permissions to grant the foregoing licenses.
If you own or control a website, you may place Facebook's share link button, logo and/or text (a "Share Link"), including all trademarks therein, on your website for the sole purpose of enabling users to Post links or content from your website on the Facebook Service. By offering a Share Link on your website, you agree, represent and warrant that you will not place a Share Link on any page containing content that would violate these Terms if Posted on the Facebook Service. The rights granted in this paragraph may be revoked by us at any time in our sole discretion, and upon such termination, you will immediately remove all Share Links from your website.
Submissions
You acknowledge and agree that any questions, comments, suggestions, ideas, feedback or other information that you provide to Facebook ("Submissions"), are non-confidential and non-proprietary. Facebook will be entitled to the unrestricted use of any such Submission for any purpose, commercial or otherwise, without acknowledgment or compensation to you."
http://www.facebook.com/inbox/readmessage.php?t=1104495614858&f=1&e=0#/terms.php?ref=pf as seen on February 17, 2009.

Blogger says you own your stuff:

Your Intellectual Property Rights. Google claims no ownership or control over any Content submitted, posted or displayed by you on or through Google services. You or a third party licensor, as appropriate, retain all patent, trademark and copyright to any Content you submit, post or display on or through Google services and you are responsible for protecting those rights, as appropriate. By submitting, posting or displaying Content on or through Google services which are intended to be available to the members of the public, you grant Google a worldwide, non-exclusive, royalty-free license to reproduce, publish and distribute such Content on Google services for the purpose of displaying and distributing Google services. Google furthermore reserves the right to refuse to accept, post, display or transmit any Content in its sole discretion.
You represent and warrant that you have all the rights, power and authority necessary to grant the rights granted herein to any Content submitted.

http://www.blogger.com/terms.g as seen today February 17, 2009

This is serious. Licenses are legally binding and most people are not aware of them at all. I am aware of them as I did licencing for a library. Every database you use in a library is licensed for certain users only, with various restrictions.

I do NOT have online/Internet banking because my Bank's license says I will indemnify them. This means that if I had a complaint that had to come to court, I will pay for their costs and they will not be financially responsible towards me, but I am responsible towards them.

Read licenses - they are important!

I remember why...

....I was glad to be done with school. I feel constantly behind on school work when it is not all done. I am not actually behind, but see how much work has yet to be finished.

Tonight though I am finishing early and trying to relax. Tomorrow begins a much shorter work week (today was a provincial holiday and I studied instead of going to work).

May the Lord continue to help us.

This Day

Have been up since around 5 AM. To do well in this day:

1. fish sandwich. fruit. nuts. bread. water.
2. baptism at noon - yay church! and yay taxi to get me there in time over lunch hour.
3. no A/C in tall building at work on weekend. Fans and summer clothes with winter evening going to vespers clothes in bag.
4. prayers and encouragement of others
5. God's mercy

Speaking of and to America

I really appreciate Fr. Jonathan's blog. My blog friends know this. I especially love when he writes about America that is beyond the commercial TV Mall consumerist America, but not by ignoring that this is part and parcel of what America is. I articulate poorly I am sure.

If you appreciate literature, good thought, and commitment to the Gospel and Orthodoxy, I recommend his latest post.

Small Update

I have begun work in earnest to begin learning what I need to learn. I understand why I need to learn it. It is going to be a very steep learning curve. I am going to need to work a lot. One step at a time.

I have been eating nuts at work. Need to continue considering how to best feed myself during this time. Victoria suggested spirulina*- I went to a pharmacy in search of a vitamin and discovered that spirulina is a natural food product. I asked the very professional young pharmacist about it and learned that it is blue algae and is noted for it's protein. It is comparable to dairy and beef in protein; it costs more than either of these, FYI. The pharmacist let me use the book on natural products - similar to the CPS - the blue book of drug information (Compendium of Pharmaceuticals and Specialties). I am such a librarian aren't I? ! :)

I think I am going to look into this more. If others have suggestions on things for food/energy, I would be happy to hear them!

Well. I have to work again tomorrow. Am going to a Baptism "over lunch"... a lovely young woman from my parish is being baptised at noon! As it is over the lunch hour, I can go... ! Kind of funny, but wonderful to.

I guess I am in a learning curve also to balance added studies to my work, church, Lent, and still caring for myself and my Cat.

It is going to be a lot of learning. Did I mention that I asked my patron Saint Irene a few years ago to help me grow up? This explains a lot of what is going on now.

Thanks again everyone for your comments, prayers and understanding.

*I linked to wikipedia for spirulina but please realize that as this is a vitamin/natural medicine I would never recommend Wikipedia as a final authoritative source. It is useful however for getting a good overview. It was clear from the entry itself that there may be errors in it or are conflicting information.

Here Again

Just a quick update - I feel a lot of better - lots of prayers, tears and honest heart searching over a photocopy machine.

I continue to be in a huge life transition. I am still often afraid. I know one of the things I am battling is fear and how to best manage my life.

I feel that I must "make the grade" in this job or I will cease to be a librarian. It would take a long time to explain what I mean, as the library world is quite unfamiliar to most people. But I must learn what I need to learn.

It is going to be hard. Hard on many levels. But I have come to far to give up. There is no one (save God and His ways) financially supporting me. I do not come from a family that has money to lend me - the money is not there. I have school loans, rent to pay, etc.

And I don't have training other than being a librarian. And to be honest I am not a multi-talented person who can easily shift from one profession to another.

So. I am going to have to work harder. And try to cook well too, so I have the energy I need to do the work.

Anyway. That's how it stands. I pray that God will help me and that I can do my best. Thank you for your prayers.

Difficult Situations

My day was hard.

I am asked to do more and more. I work 4 days. This means I have 4 days (not 5) to do the work.

I am also asked to learn more and more (beyond just my outside of work online class). I honestly feel that my boss was saying that if I do not learn the various things (outside of work hours) within a few months time, that I am in direct jeopardy of losing my job. And she is expecting my online course to be done perfectly and for me to totally understand it all.

Yeah.

Please pray for me.

And please pray for my place of work, they need prayer too. I find that I care about them. When you are a librarian to a smaller group of people, you slowly get to know who they are. They are people and I care about them as people... they live and work in a corporate world that is really difficult...

Thanks for your prayers.

Piece by Piece, Little by Little

Tomorrow is the big day. Well okay one of them. Day of dreaded work evaluation. Meeting new person day, meeting boss day, social day, maybe work lunch day. Most of this is not bad. And my paper for class, which I freaked out about last night, is further along than I thought.

Would welcome prayers. I know I am a highly sensitive person who is learning not to panic at work. BTW, this book and others may be good to read if you think you are either a highly sensitive person or if you are a parent, if you think you child/ren may be.

Anyway. Lots to do and learn. Ironically, about the book, highly sensitive person ... I never did finish reading it. I still recommend it, but of course was reading it a few years back when I was overwhelmed and had to stop taking in new information. Oh the ironies of life. I should finish the book, as the purpose of it is not to merely affirm or define what a highly sensitive person is but to show the HSP how to thrive while still being themselves.

Here are things that are helping me cope this week (not in any order really):

1. trying to not panic - for me this involves a lot of self-talk that is not negative, a lot of encouragement, and trying to keep things in perspective. This is hard and I am working on it.

2. I made one of my best vegetable soups this week - potatoes, carrots, zucchini, green beans, basil, garlic, onion, tomatoes, oil, Parmesan cheese. I add tortilla chips when I am eating it - adds crunch and it needed a bit more salt...

3. I have yummy organic white cheddar cheese and crackers. And boiled eggs and grapes. Good work snacks. Thanks again to those who gave suggestions on this!

4. My Mother is praying for me. Others are praying, including some beloved church friends and my loved blog friends. (Thank you.)

5. Special prayers in icon corner.

6. I have meds to help me sleep now - my insomnia is slowly getting better!...after a very long time. Walking up at 6 AM instead of 2 or 4 AM makes a huge difference. My sleep is still variable, but at least I can say it is improving.

7. Being thankful and remembering that I have a lot of blessings in my life.

I admit to being worried that I am getting sick again - so I am also trying to take it as easy as possible in the midst of a more intense work week.

Cozy Home - Pictures

I had two lovely friends over on Friday for tea.

Here are two pictures I took before they came:

The silver candle holders I bought at an antique store in Halifax.

The larger candle holder my Mom found

at a garage sale a few years back.

Like my new dining table and 4 chairs? IKEA.

I am really pleased with them.

The table has an extra leaf stored

under the middle of the table,

to sit six people.

I bought the place mats while

I was in Halifax as well.

I do not have a lot of my decorations out yet.

However, here are two that I do have lovingly on display!

My dear friend E-H gave me these two little

handmade Dutch dolls this summer.

I love them there on my little table!

I bought the dusty pink table cloth also

in Halifax over Canadian Thanksgiving.

I was in Halifax for my spiritual big sister's wedding,

at St. George Greek Orthodox Church.

For Christmas I received a lovely poster (from an Icon Museum)

of St. George.

My friend took this picture today,

before I gave the poster

to another friend to be mounted.

This icon I am going to DV have above

my buffet in my dining room area.

I have a lampada from the monastery

that I hope to use for this icon.

St. George please pray for us!

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

And then I went to Church

I love Saturday vespers.

Today nothing seemed to work out - well - a few things did - but the weather was damp and bone-chilling and a lot of my plans went wrong.

So... my paper for my class is not done.

It is due in a week, but next weekend is the famed kind of dreaded work-over-valentines-day weekend.

It is a daily battle for me not to panic. I often fail.

But then I go to church. And then was blessed by my spiritual father. And then went out to dinner with two good friends. And now I am home with my Cleo Cat. Have chopped vegetables for a good energy-giving soup.

And I had friends over for tea yesterday. Laundry done and work clothes ready for the week.

Even better - Lord willing I will be in church again tomorrow. We have new Icons and I am overcome with their beauty; so comforting.

Would appreciate prayers (please!!) as this work week is going to be challenging - doing a work project - and working extra hours - etc.

Thank God for His Church and His mercy.

Paws Off

So one of my Dad's sayings is 'get your paws off (whatever it is)'. One of his endearing loving sayings that I enjoy.

So I was washing dishes tonight and there was my Cleo Cat, who has learned about how to explore my new dining room table (the chairs are more conducive to Cleo climbing, much to her delight).

Imagine my surprise when I heard myself say, "Cleo, get your paws off the table!" and realize I had literally just told a Cat to get her front paws off the table.

Anyway. I was amused and thought I would share. My cat really is sweet company for me! I am thankful.

Peaceful easy feeling, already on the ground

I woke up this morning - late! The sun was shining, my Cleo Cat was fussing and sure enough, I forgot to set my alarm!

I wish I could dscribe how I felt - had slept better than I had in a long while and felt quietly cheered. Like waking up when I was a child, peaceful and secure.

Worry is a big struggle of mine, which I am learning to battle in new ways. One of the prayers I prayed while walking to work when anxiety hit was

Lord, You are the Ground of My Being.

This prayer comes from my memory of the verses in Acts where St. Paul speaks of God in similar terms.

The Eagle's song came to mind as I woke up slowly in a sunlit light blue room, with my cat and Icon Wall near by. And I knew the only reason I felt a Peaceful Easy Feeling is because I am already standing on solid ground.

The Lord is the ground of my being.

Quiet Day

I was thankful that I had a quiet no-emergency-reference-question/s day. I am still dizzy (esp. with the residual congestion from my head cold) and this is tiring.

Question of the hour: I am looking for some simple healthy energy-giving snacks to have at work. Would love suggestions. So far my only answer is to have a stash of nuts at work, and maybe dried fruit. Any thoughts?

On the pass the blog post on front (I am a librarian!), Fr. Stephen's post was lovely to read. He has various posts recently about anger from various perspectives. Take a look and while your at it, you can see the other posts he wrote recently. (That is if you are not already one of his regular readers!)

Lunch and homework

I practically live online now days. As a librarian and as a blogger. The library course I am taking is really helping me understand more, I am glad about this.

Just felt like mentioning, before I brave the snow to go to the Univeristy Library to do work for my class.

I am still so glad that the bus strike is over; as far as I know, most of my blog readership is outside of Ottawa, so you may not realize how hard this was for us here.

People lost jobs. People lost their businesses. I saw elderly people with canes walking in the snow. Many people I work with had to begin their workday at 6 or 7 AM or they would not get a parking spot (they normally take the bus and car traffic went up 20% which sounds like a small number, but it made a HUGE difference).

There are so many stories of suffering because of this bus strike that happened in the middle of various snow storms. It is hard for us as a city to forgive the city government and the buses/union for buses for belabouring this strike to over 50 days.

Of course we must forgive and I know, as a Christian, I must pray for my city.

Hope for Ottawa

The bus strike has ended!!!!!!!

As someone at work commented - the real reason it will end soon is because Obama is coming to Ottawa on February 19.

It would of looked really bad if the city could not even end a bus strike. And imagine the traffic jams.

(FYI for those who may not know, Ottawa is the capital of Canada).

I talked to a really good friend tonight. My heart feels a lot lighter now. I have to be disciplined and do homework tomorrow.

Question I am thinking about:

I walk to work and the winter coat that I bought last year (first one I ever bought) is not long, as in down-to-the-knees-long and at times I have been so cold** when I walk to work (or church).

Should I try to find a new one on sale or should I tough it out?

Any thoughts?

**or I should say my legs have been cold; the rest of me is usually fairly warm as I have a good shorter winter coat, wear gloves under my mittens and two scarves. It gets cold here, so that minus 11 degrees Celsius feels warm.

is it just me, or...

I am tired tonight. Yet I find myself resisting going to bed early. What do I think I am missing by leaving my quiet living room with my cat to pray and sleep? (Why must I finish my dishes, or why must I read just a few more pages in a book?)

Does anyone else do this, I wonder?

God's love

Lots of people, understandably, like Fr. Stephen Freeman's blog. I am one of them. In case you do not normally read him, may I recommend his new post Loving an Angry God.

Fr. Stephen places a lot of importance on understanding the love of God. This is an area I have a lot to learn more about.

I have known for years that if I can learn to live in the reality of God's love, I would live a radically different life.

I pray that I am learning and will learn this. I am young and inward growth takes a lot of time. Thank God then for the gift of now, the time we have.

How I do homework

A little at a time. Today I am finishing up my first assignment - really not too bad - just three questions, two pages worth of writing. I do have to learn how to be a librarian in the corporate field.

My work is going better, but I think we are going to have a very significant library project to do in about two weeks. I may be working the whole weekend, save when I am in Church. It is a one time only project, and that is how it is. But I am trying not to worry about it.

It was funny - I got the Protestant sweet Sunday school song in my head when I was walking back home after lunch (yes, I get to walk home for lunch!) this is the day that the Lord has made, we must rejoice and be glad in it. And it was exactly what I needed to do!

Anyway. I really do have to finish up the assignment so I can email it in to the prof. today.

First though - isn't this one of the cutest new pictures of Cleo my cat???

She loves sitting on my new dining room chairs. I notice that she sits esp. on the two I sit in the most - one for eating, and the other side of the table for blogging (or, um, I mean doing homework).

And here she is, surprising me by looking over the back of the chair ...

It's all going to be alright

As I was standing in church for vespers tonight, I felt relieved. Yes, my life is not what I thought it would be. Yes, my ideals have been challenged, shattered and changed. Yes, life is hard.

I remembered how when I was even younger, I had a full list of what I thought I would do for the next ten years.

THANK GOD that nothing on that list happened. My ideas and ideals for my life, as someone very young in the faith, do not often match what God has for me.

I can say that how things have worked are better than what I would of planned.

So I am left not, as I would of thought years ago, if my ideals were shattered and I became increasingly aware of the fact, with wreckage. Or not a wreckage that is irredeemable!

The Church gives the foundation for how to live; my local church and the monastery I visit also give direction.

I have to seek to do as I was taught and see what my life is now, for what it is, instead of what I thought it would be.

I feel in ways like a young child, exploring a new place for the first time.

This is my life now; may God show me how, and give me the willingness, to live it.

More on where we find ourselves

Yesterday I wrote on how we cannot escape damaging our world, based on an essay by Sherrard. Also touched on was how my ideals were wrong and/or have been changed. I wrote on the brokenness that I see in myself and in the world.

Today I want to explore where I went wrong (from what I can see anyway). Years ago when I was reading books such as M Beattie’s Co-dependant no more and the popular for a year or so Simple Abundance (I still own both books and do not disrespect the authors). However, one, Beattie’s books are honest and I feel that Simple Abundance was not. One author had gone through hell and the other author (of Simple Abundance) was denying her personal hell, though they were hinted at in her book and totally opened in her second book. I hurt for her, when I read in her second book how her marriage dissolved, how she totally remade herself again and for the pain I felt radiating from this second book. Somewhere, between reading these books and my own ideas intertwining with these books (I still believe in some independence of thought and that we are not mere constructs thinking imbibed only from current culture), I came up with an image of who I wanted to be.

Now I see how immature my ideas were, dear and young as they are. Not that I am now mature and know it all, rather the opposite. At a mere 32 years of age, I can say less and less about final things, save that I have found a Church that has withstood time, a lot of nonsense, evil and still can be found to give healing.

My current conclusions:

We cannot merely remake our worlds on an aesthetic, material and physical level and think we are okay. If you have been reading my blog, you know how excited I am about my new furniture. If you know me well in person, you know I dress professionally for work, that I wear long skirts with pants (grin) to church in the winter and, when in church, cover my head. If you have been to my house (or read my blog) you know I have a lot of icons, a few prayer books and other Orthodox books. I have made decisions on how I interact with my world, just as you have made decisions on how you present yourself in your world.

We can have a perfectly intact house, be up on popular culture, wear the latest clothes, have the right things, religious or semi-religious (some would consider the organic life, the Moosewood cookbook, and lulu lemon to be nearing this if they were honest) and be totally broken inwardly. We can even be so broken that we do not know we are broken. We can be in church and not pray; we can burn incense at homes by icons and be totally self-absorbed. (Being in church, praying at home with Icons and reading Orthodox books can help us participate in our salvation. This is however not the issue I am dealing with in this essay).

Redecorating our house, learning yoga or pilates, and eating well can help us. Being aware of our body and breathing can help us (might I mention that yoga that includes Hindu prayers I find to be spiritually dangerous). Exercise, eating well and being balanced in our care for our bodies and emotions are good. Living in a beautiful orderly house can give the feeling or impression of inward sanity.

But if this is all we have, we are fooling ourselves. This is where I went wrong.

Somehow I fell for a lie that if we had our lives looking a certain way, with certain things I could really have it made. No. We cannot save ourselves. We can, for a time, maintain a certain image of who we are (until physical aliments, or senility strike) but we cannot save ourselves. We cannot even become content or happy without help (or at least I cannot). A job and money, so I have learned in my post-student days, cannot take away an inward anxiety that comes from deeper causes.

This is the realization I am currently at. I, and others, are broken; we are in need of great healing. I have also realized that I cannot use my life as example to help others (God can use broken beings including me but I am talking about myself here, not God’s ability).

So where am I left?

For now: two things – one more questions about how I should live my life.

Two – hope in God. A God who, as Fr. Schmemann writes in his book, Great Lent¸ gave us Pasca. With the understanding that Christ’s resurrection changed everything. With the prayer that we will gain inward healing, with a prayer for God’s mercy for the world.

Questions of self, meaning, and how God saves us where we are

I have been mulling over something for a few weeks; in some ways this has been on my mind for months.

I am in my early thirties now; when I was in my earlier twenties I had many ideals. I would be creative, I would become an English professor, I would have something meaningful to say to others, I would be able to point to the Salvation of the World. Frankly that is what most people want, is it not? To have a meaningful life, to explain that life, to have others wish to emulate that life; that seems to be the point of many blogs or one of the points. To have a life worth living seems to mean to many to have a life worth copying.

Let me try to explain what I mean; or at least show you. How to show you though? Well perhaps it comes from family pressure to always be a ‘witness’ that is common enough in Protestant circles; and if Christ is who He is and I believe He is, then Christ is worth pointing others toward.

It could be that I had things turned around or that I currently have things turned around or both and later I (with divine intervention) will get them straitened.

Here is where I am going towards – ideals and how one thought the world would work. I think I was simply wrong. Years ago I read a lot of books, tried to really work on inward growth. And somehow I have grown, at least in some ways. Though this past year has been such a challenge, I feel like many of the areas of growth I thought I had “covered” were unearthed, kicked around and open to the glaring sun of unfinished work, unfinished self and various inward confusions. Regardless of what may be happening now, I used to dream of having things “together”, becoming self-confident, self-assured, able to take on the world and be on top of things.

Now I wonder instead if that ideal was not at all what I was supposed to be going towards. Professionally it seems that this must be the ideal; I have a long way to go here. But personally and inwardly it seems that this ideal must be shed. But I am not sure now or what is to take its place.

Here is an example of what I am seeking to explain – in the fall a lady I know, a priest I respect and I read through an article by Philip Sherrard. We read it over the course of two or three weeks and discussed it. The article, from what I remember, explained how centuries ago it was possible to flee the world and not be part of the world’s destruction. His article went on to discuss how this was no longer possible. We are now too ensnared and entangled to not participate in the destruction of the world. Environmentally it is impossible – we fly in planes, ride in cars and buses, use computers, use electricity. No matter how hard one may try to reduce one’s “carbon footprint”, etc. we cannot fully do it. We may try to flee the world, shouting that we are against big business. But without big business the computer you are reading this on and the one I am using would not be here.

Sherrard’s only answer to this was the liturgy; that the only life-giving moment that can change anything is Christ’s Eucharist.

And Sherrard acknowledged that even the celebration of Communion is often tainted now, even within the Orthodox Church. His article was not easy reading.

It seems like the only answer though. Christ’s blood shed and partaken by us, who often are more dead than alive or mere shells of what we were made to be.

For the rest of it, I am not sure what to think. A lot of it was faulty advertising that I fell for. Not that I do not have thousands and thousands of things to be thankful for; I have a job, housing, nice things, a family and options. Perhaps I should read more Walker Percy; his novels articulate the realization of human’s brokenness and a sense that there should be or is more to life than what we often have.

Sometimes we just have to wait, hope and stand silent, asking the God who we have seen, touched and heard to have mercy on us.

The Sinus

One of my favourite mystery writers is Anne George; I read a lot of mysteries. She introduced me to the state of Alabama and some of the local cultural feel of the South.

I am sorry she only wrote 7 mystery books before she passed away. One of her books her character gets what, according to this book, is called The Sinus. Well, I believe I have it now, much to my dismay. The "wake up with a swollen sore throat, my teeth hurt and I cannot look at direct light too long" Sinus.

A good friend brought me soup, grapefruit and cookies. I am grateful.

I think I am going to go find one of my Anne George books now...

Cozy Cat and Dishes

When I am talking to my friends about my new apartment the themes are: books and dishes!

First a picture of my Cat and her first Cat Nap on my new sofa bed:

And my pretty dishes - the tray and tea pot, sugar & creamer my Grandma and I found last year when we went antiquing. Don't they look darling on my buffet? It is exactly what I was looking for - a darker colour with a 'old world country' look. The Royal Albert tea cup was from my dear roommate in my undergraduate days and her parents. Next to it is a humble little cup my Grandmother and I found on our first antiquing venture, for my 25th birthday 7 years ago.

The blue dishes are ones I found with my Mother (If I remember correctly) down the street from my parents house! All of them were selling for 5 dollars. They are beautiful, vibrant and I wish I could get a complete set!! They are an ironstone from Japan.

Lastly, a lovely small teaspoon holder, from Holland. It is real Delft; my Mother gave this to me for Christmas this year. A perfect gift; she found it at an estate sale! I love gifts like these the best. To add to the gift, she gave me teaspoons to go in it from her collection. A lot of these spoons her Mother, my Oma, gave to her years ago. And so it is passed now to me. Once I get more settled, I think I will put some of these spoons in another place, so it is not as crowded.

I will have to have another post sometime to show you my Grandmother's set of dishes that she gave me years ago! I had them stored carefully in boxes under my bed in my parent's house for at least ten years before I had a place for them. As a student I knew I could not afford to move the dishes and I was too transient. It is a dream come true to have a one bedroom apartment with space for a buffet with glass doors for my dishes!

I thank God for His goodness shown in this. I do not deserve such kind thoughtfulness more than anyone else (I wish everyone could have pretty things). So, I am thankful.

Lots going on, not a lot of time

Insomnia - continues - doctor gave me medicine. It may be helping. I am still dizzy at times. Specialist appointment in March.

This post I recommend - examining how America's history and Protestant heritage are effecting each other. Gave me a lot to think about.

My buffet is almost complete - all but the front handles which need a longer screw. It is beautiful. I am incredibly happy with it (and hope to find screws to put the final touches on the two doors).

Work is a challenge. Prayer and not worrying needed.

God is blessing me with friends who are encouraging to me. Often I prove that I do not deserve such great friends, and I am so thankful for them.

Furniture is coming my way

My furniture is coming!!!!

Let's hope it is all in one piece and all able to be assembled. Last year I got a tall bookshelf from IKEA that had the wrong shelf on top... It took half a year to get it fixed!

So what am I getting? Well... since you asked ;)

In Antique stain:

-buffet with glass doors
-coffee table with cool shelves in middle
-matching tall bookshelf (the same as mentioned above)
-round, with 1 leaf extension, dining room table (sits 4 or 6)

With cute full chair skirt almost to the floor:
-4 cute dining room chairs that are comfortable (good chairs are hard to find)

And one...

Ivory leather sofa bed (was just a little bit more than a cloth sofa bed and my Cat Cleo SHEDS)

I had intentionally saved almost all of my last year's tax return (educational credits all used up!) because I knew I wanted to move apartments. As I did not have a living room, I knew I would have a bit to store up for.

And now that time is here. It is a bit sudden, but exciting.

Finally I will DV have a bed and the space to have family and friends sleep over!

**********

On another note....I am still working at trying not to worry. I received some encouraging emails today that reminded me that I am loved. Sometimes, life is a bit of a struggle. And I know that starting a new job, moving and setting up house are all really big things. Lots of things going on with my job, a new online class and house stuff. But God is good and I am trying to pace myself, eat well and breathe a lot. I am still struggling with almost daily-nightly insomnia and some dizziness. More doctors appointments are in the works about these things.

Sending my love to all I know through the blog world!

Letting Go

My Mother, as all good Mothers can do, zeroed in on my problem.

Elizabeth, you just need to let it go. Let the worry go. Trust God.

She is right.

I am learning what it means to be worried sick and I need to stop. I still get worried about my work, about loved ones, about anything chicken little would worry about.

So, I am going to try to be still more, inside. Breathe. Pray and practice living in the presence of God.

Life is hard. I would love to hear about other's struggles with worry and what they learned to do to learn to be at peace.

May God help us all!

My Time in Brampton Ontario

The first part of my Christmas holidays was with my Oma celebrating her 100th birthday. My parents, sister and brother-in-law, two of my Aunts and myself stayed a few days in Brampton. Most of us stayed right in my Oma's retirement complex, which is full of many Dutch Christians. For Christmas the "Glory to God in the Highest" hymn is sung mostly in Dutch at the end of the Christmas service (they are lovely Protestants).

The retirement complex is very nice and we took various walks in the halls. Here are some pictures of nice sitting areas that are scattered throughout:

This one is one (above) is one of my favourites, as it has so much light and space.

This is a very typical site - the Today devotional book is read daily by many Dutch CRC (Christian Reformed Church) Christians. My Oma and Opa always read the Bible and a devotional piece with a prayer after every meal - breakfast, lunch and diner. Their faithfulness is lovely to see.

Here is a smaller sitting area - I love the rug! The Today book pictured above is from this little nook. I am always impressed by this complex - always clean, orderly. One of the cleaning woman was praying and singing hymns under her breath. It is a special place.

I got a kick out of the elevators, which had the emergency instructions in English and in Dutch. Here is the Dutch instructions:

It is a comfortable clean world for me to visit. I was inspired by the cleanliness of my Oma's apartment - there is no clutter anywhere. I have a lot to learn from her! My goal is to have a more orderly, clean and clutter free apartment... once my furniture is in and assembled.

I hope you enjoyed the tour of where my Oma lives! I am blessed to have her in my life. She always counsels me about reading my Bible, getting along with others, and family. She has good practical wisdom and I am thankful for her. My Mother once commented that my Oma has seen a lot of changes in her life, but that she never changed. I hope someday someone can say this about me - that I was steadfast and unwavering - especially in my hope in God. May the Lord so grant His mercy to all of us!

Christmas Reflections

I started my online course today! And in true student fashion, I now get to procrastinate. So far I have written a New Years letter (did not send one of family and friends in a few years) and am now here, writing this blog post.

I think the online course will be good though and I am going to work on it more tonight, to get a head start.

Meanwhile, here is a picture I took at the monastery:

I have a lot of memories from my time there over New Years.

I have to finish up some projects before I will write more on this.

Christ is Born!

May He be born in us.

Nativity Liturgy was beautiful. Very good friends of mine were there. Went to a festive meal afterwards, it was nice.

Cleo woke me up three times last night (when I leave for more than a few days, she tends to wake me up for the first couple of nights). I am very tired.

IKEA has more of my money now. Furniture boxes are in my apartment - coffee table and buffet. The assembly will be done later.

My long-lost suitcase is still at the airport. Have not received a call for the delivery as of yet. At least I know where it is. Praying that I will have it before the weekend.

Tomorrow I go back to work. This will be a transition! I have not been there for two weeks. I will have a lot of work waiting for me. I know I need to not worry and trust God to get me through. Friday I start my online course (job training).

The new icons (that were in the suitcase that did make it) are up on my prayer wall and the beauty, space and order comfort me.

May God comfort us all.

That was one of the quickest answer to prayer yet!

Air Canada called. They have my bag. Delivery is a little behind but they have it. May it get here safely! Would of be nice to have it today so I can bring gifts to people. It was hard to choose who to give things to (i.e. money limits etc) so I am rotating who I give gifts to from the monastery...

Okay. Now for lunch...

In Ottawa with Cleo

I am back home. One of my suitcases (with gifts for others and gifts from others and a new lampada for my living room) has not made it yet. I hope and pray that I will get this suitcase back. It has a lot of special things that I cannot replace (blanket from my Oma, small miniature tea set my Mom found, a beautiful mounted icon from the monastery). The website says it is still be traced. I flew in a 15 seater plane and we heard the baggage people complain about the bags not fitting. I saw them put one of mine on and ever saw them put the other one on.

So I wait and seek to not worry and be content. A lesson on not being attached to my things!

Tomorrow is old calendar Christmas. Every year is different. This year I do not feel anything other than a rushed bewilderment of going between two different calendars. (I celebrated feasts past Christmas at the monastery already).

I am going to buy furniture soon for my apartment.

I had very little time to go online when I was home. This is good actually. Anyway. I caught up on my blog feed reading, which I enjoyed.

Praying that every one's first week of 2009 is going well.

Traveling tomorrow

After three nights at the monastery, I am home with family. The time at the monastery was very good and I already miss the prayers, sense of rhythm, the protection and beauty. Thank God that His mercy is with us at all times.

Tomorrow night I fly back to Ottawa. I am dreading the travel (the time it takes and that I will get back after 11 pm DV if all goes well). Please pray for me.

Wishing everyone a 2009 full of God's blessings and mercy.

Home

Brief blog hello!

I got in late last night. Am going to the monastery soon. Birthday tomorrow!

I was at my church in Michigan today for Sunday morning Liturgy. High winds last night created a lot of power outages and many churches were cancelled. Not the Orthodox Church though!

So I stood in my church for Matins without any power - my Godmother praying for the lights and heat to return.

Right when our priest was singing, at the beginning of Liturgy, Glory to Thee Who has Shown us the Light the lights went on.

The lights and heat stayed on until about 10 minutes after the Liturgy was done.

Glory to God!

May Christmas come to us

The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.

May we cry out to the Lord in the barren cave of our heart:

Come, O Immanuel! Save us, O Good One!
We have no one but You;
Come, be born in us,
Come, O Christmas!
Root of Jesse,
Come, break

the stony ground of our hearts,
Take root in us!
Come with Your Holy Mother
Bring us to Your cradle;
Come, so we can worship You,
Born of Your Virgin Mother Mary,
Come

Returning in the New Year

While I am away I will, Lord Willing...

*Celebrate Christ's Nativity
*Celebrate my Oma's 100th birthday
*Celebrate my sister's belated birthday
*Celebrate my birthday
*Celebrate New Years
*Stay at the monastery
*See my Godmother
*See family

For most of this time, I will not be near Internet.

I pray that everyone has a good Christmas, a Blessed New Year and all of God's goodness.


Thank you for all of my new and old blog friends for your care and love for me!


Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

(A Brief Synopsis) What I have been given in the Church*:

The Protection and Shelter of the Saints. I was at a friend’s birthday party a while back and asked to see this friend’s icons. His icon of the Theotokos looked out so tenderly. The Mother of God is a deep Mother and I felt reassured of the protection for this friend.


The Mother of God, Virgin of Vladimir Icon












While at St. Herman’s in Langley, when I looked at the iconostasis, St. Herman always looked worried for me, like a Father worried for over his child. I know St. Herman loves me and many others and is a Father and Grandfather figure to them.

St. Herman - I got this Icon last year at the Monastery.

St. Nicholas prays for me. When I desperately needed money in school I received news of a bursary on St. Nicholas day. I was chrismated in his church; I have been moved to tears praying for beloved ones in my life who are in distress and cried out to St. Nicholas to save them.

Spiritual Fathers and Mothers. My spiritual father is the spiritual father to the child within me. I am reminded of Kathleen Norris’s book title, little girls in church when I think of how I have experienced church, especially at the evening services when there are fewer people. Monasteries are very important and have kept the spiritual life of the Church alive for centuries.

Beauty. Most of the Protestant churches I went to were so barren of any beauty. The Orthodox church has beauty in the liturgy, in the Icons, in the prayers. Poetry, song, ritual – spanning centuries and many cultures.

Truth. The Orthodox Church has not deviated from the worship of the Holy Trinity. We worship the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and offer the liturgy to God in the Holy Trinity.

The Holy Trinity, Rublev Icon

Today pluralism, pantheism, “tolerance”, inclusively, Eastern Meditation, are what is cool, hip and very trendy. Not all trends are bad, and there are reasons for what is culturally important. There are things that people feel they are lacking and need. However, if the true needs of a person’s heart are not met by Christ in the Holy Trinity, then they are not fully met.

Love. I do not find the promotion of “tolerance” loving. Saying, we will tolerate you is not loving. I believe that God is love. Love has boundaries; love is a Father not letting a child be burned by fire, love is a Mother not allowing a preteen daughter to harm herself by inappropriate behaviour or relationships. Love does not tolerate all things; it bears all things and hopes all things. Bearing and tolerating are different.

I have been blessed with a spiritual Father who gives me clear boundaries and does not give his blessing for me to destroy myself by sin. He loves me, is patient with me, understands me very well, but he loves me too much to let me “get away with things”. That said, my experience of the Church is not controlling but always given the freedom and option of obedience and repentance. What I do with the need for repentance is up to me.

The sacraments. Including baptism and chrismation, the Eucharist, confession – they save, heal and give hope. Not full or immediate healing necessarily but they can transform and save.

In the church I am able to grieve and pray for the dead. I can ask Saints in the Holy Spirit to give my love to those I miss who have died. When I was a protestant I felt the connection was severed instead of the living and the departed both worshiping in church; in the liturgy we join heaven’s worship.

In the Church I found the merging of one’s body and one’s soul. The dualism that exists in many protestant churches is not in the Orthodox Church. We kiss icons, priest’s hands, drink Holy Water, kneel, prostrate, stand; the body is part of worship here.

Christ has become visible, has become man. Christ is the first icon. Orthodoxy has a holistic understanding of the person that predates our current medical preference towards holistic treatment. Our soul is in our body; a human is not a body and soul as completely separate entities, as if they are oil and water held in by our skin. The final resurrection includes our bodies. Christ is shown in the Gospel in His glorified human body; nail prints and wounds visible.

Reverence towards the body is shown also at death – the body of our loved ones can stay in church – when we have the Panihida (requiem) we reverence the one we love who has died. We give a final kiss to them. We kiss the Cross and Gospel book near by to them.

The understanding and reverence of the body is based Orthodoxy’s understanding of Christ incarnate. My spiritual father has taught us that Christ is what a human was created to be. To excuse someone’s failures by saying “she or he is only human” is a misunderstanding of what a human is to be.

Fatherhood and Motherhood. Christ has given His Mother to us. St. George is a beloved hero and protector. I am a woman. I am more than happy to be protected. This does not devalue me or imply weakness; it does mean I can breathe easier. Men can learn to be men by praying (i.e. asking for prayers) of saints like St. George. And I do not mean they can learn to be rude or overbearing but true men. And I am free to be a woman and be strong in this. St. Mary Magdalene is called Equal-to-the-Apostles for centuries! The Theotokos more honoured than the cherubim, for She bore the Saviour of the World. The understanding of what it means to be human, and what it is to be a woman or a man can be restored by the Church and was never lost in the church. Here I do not mean to gloss over problems, questions current or historically based. I studied feminism and literary criticism for some years. What I have been given in the Church answers these questions centuries before postmodernism and still applies. The Desert Father’s understanding of human struggle and weakness is often more astute in their observations of the human soul.

St. George - I got this icon from my church last year. All during Lent my spiritual father patiently let me have St. George be in the Altar area in a window. I was so comforted to know St. George was in the Altar praying and fighting for me and everyone else from my Church.

Repentance, Humility and Communion with God. This is the hardest to write on, as I am young in the faith! The sacrament of Confession and the life of an Orthodox Christian is based in repentance in order to purify one’s self of the passions (sinful desires, thoughts, and so on). The spiritual life is a life of humility and repentance; not being inwardly hostile towards anyone, not judging. A life of constant prayer and the acquisition of the Holy Spirit are the goals of every Orthodox Christian.

Spiritual growth is evidenced by our increasing understanding of our need for the ever-present mercy of God and the awareness of our own unworthiness and sinfulness. Somehow the concept of sinfulness, in the West, has been linked to the body, as if the body contains the sin. This is a misunderstanding that can be corrected by time and prayer within the Church. I am not wise enough to explain the difference**, only that I sense it. Something to ask my spiritual father about!

Asking one’s spiritual father is part of learning humility. We have the Church and the tradition of the Church to teach us. We do not base our understanding of God or how to live a Christian life based only on our own thoughts, understanding or interpretation of the Scriptures, the world and our personal life. We do not trust ourselves, this side of the grave. This does not mean living in a state of anxiety or intense insecurity. It does have to do with humility before God, knowing how easily we are distracted and lead astray. Fr. Thomas Hopko writes, in his 55 maxims, that we are to expect to be tempted until our last breath.

As I said at the beginning of this section, I am spiritually young. I have not even begun to learn these things! All I have to do is read the section in Galatians about the fruits of the Spirit to realize not only the depth of a Christian who is acquiring the Holy Spirit but how much I need to grow. I am at most a small sapling in need of further water and food from our Holy Church, with a lot of tilling of the stony ground of my heart! As I this to be the truth, I will not write on communion with God other than to say it is the goal of an Orthodox Christian and the Saints show how it can bring life and spiritual consolation beyond anything outside of Christ and His Church.


HOLY WEEK. Living through Christ’s death and resurrection. Being challenged to live everyday in the light of Pasca, of Christ’s resurrection. This is where all ends and begins. As Father Thomas Hopko has talked about – it is all about Mary’s Womb and Christ’s Tomb.

An Icon of the Resurrection of Christ.

The Church gives depth, prayer, beauty, hope; in other words, the Church has brought Christ to me. Christ: the source of all depth, of all beauty, the hope of all prayers, who wept for the death of Lazarus and, soon after, trampled down death by death.

*I have edited and added to this post. A lot of the additions are what I have been taught; here my experience is more in what I have been taught as opposed to what spiritual heights I have attained! I am still young and young in the faith. It is entirely possible that I have misunderstood something, though I have done my best to keep to the teaching as I have received it. Understand this to be a “disclaimer” to this post. The best way to understand what can be given/found in the Orthodox Church is to be in Church (and or monastery) and to search for a good spiritual father or mother.

** This part I am less sure about - or at least how to best explain it - will have to do more research and asking and report back!

Needing Christmas

Well. I can't seem to write the post I want to write. I posted one and took it down later.

This is okay. It will be re-written when it needs to be.

I am down to the last days before I leave for Christmas.

To be honest I am struggling with a lot of heaviness this season. Actually Christmas has been hard for a while.

It is hard to come to terms with my life - I never dreamed I would be living in a city as a single woman with a professional career. Though a lot of those in the blog world struggle with finances while raising children, I still wish I could trade places. Of course it is hard, of course. Life is hard, from what I can tell. But it is hard to be alone too. There is no one to wake up to here, no one to take care of (except my Cleo Cat who we all know I adore), no one to talk to. This can be hard.

But I know, such as it is, that God has given me a lot of what I dreamed for. I have a spiritual father, a job, a good apartment, a lovely cat, pretty things. Not to mention His mercy. The Saints. The Church. I have good friends, who are my spiritual family.

But it is a struggle! A struggle to be a Christian. A struggle to be thankful and not afraid.

One of my biggest fears is that I would gain the good job, apartment, things and feel my life empty. Money does not buy happiness, total security or inward peace or fulfillment.

Of course one would want enough to provide for housing, food, clothes, heat, hot water. One of my family members buys groceries with food stamps. I know money is needed to live here.

But we need family too, community; sometimes it seems that we all get so overwhelmed and busy that it is hard to be there for another. I have been there too many times - feeling so exhausted that I can give very little.

It is hard.

But Fr. Thomas Hopko quotes Fr. Schemman who told us that Christmas comes to us as a gift, we do not come to Christmas.

Lord Jesus, come. We are waiting for You and need You. Come to us on Christmas Day but come also to us now, come. And when You come, may we open our hearts and let You in the barren cave of our soul. Come and bring Christmas to our hearts so that we can go with You to Your Passion, Your Crucifixion and Your Pasca. Come.

Librarians, we share things

Well. Hello again blog world, it feels like a long time, the day or so away.

Library land is going a bit better for me - someone at work has been lending a huge helping hand for one part of the work. The rest - well - it is not yet done. But I sure answered a LOT of reference questions!

So in library fashion, it is time to share from my blog reading.

I comment on an increasing amount of blogs, but I still read more than I comment on.

One of these, that I appreciate a lot, is by a man named John, who is aware of the world, various cultures, has traveled, and whose outlook on life I respect. Just wanted to mention his latest post, which reviews an article and outlines some of the challenges of a world that continues to misunderstand Christianity. It is well worth reading. His blog makes me think of friends whom one is better by having.

I also read this very lovely titled blog - Lost in-Elegant Cogitations where Phillipa gave a wonderful quotation (that I repeat below); see this post for an interview with Archbishop John of Belgorod. One of the many things I love about the Orthodox Church is the difference you find in perspective:

"It’s hard not to grumble when we deal with illness or sorrow. But here one can remember what an old woman crying by the church said. When the priest asked her what she was crying about, she answered, “I think God has forgotten about me: this year I have never been taken ill and there has been no sorrow in my life.” "

This reminds me of a quick blurb I heard on Ancient Faith Radio when Fr. Thomas Hopko challenged us to be thankful for the sorrow in our lives.

When ever I think of monasteries and Orthodox Fathers, including Fr. Thomas Hopko, I am very reassured. There are people, by the mercy and grace of God, who can teach us, who we can trust.

I find this shocking when I think of it (I am too often too busy, tired or distracted to remember, to my shame) that I have met, seen and heard spiritual fathers and mothers who are trustworthy and who show deeper Christianity than I once knew*. The small amount of faith I do have, I know is because of ones like these. And they are worth trusting because they know humility is of Christ.

*(I will have to do a post someday on the struggle to explain why I feel I have been given more in the Church than when I was a Christian but not in the Orthodox Church. Between the huge relativism found in parts of post-modernism and my dearly beloved Protestant Christian friends who, for the most part, would say what I have found was where I used to be, I find it a challenge to articulate where I now see myself; not to even begin to explain the Orthodox Church.)

Rublev's Trinity

In Church I have learned of the horrors that Rublev (the Icon painter) lived through.

A world invaded, villages destroyed, immense cruelty.

In my reading, I have come across someone saying that this Icon is the one of the best arguments for revealing God's existence.

What inner spiritual riches Rublev shows

in the midst of what appeared to be a living hell

as it is often phrased today.

It is this understanding of the Trinity

of Christ being in our midst

that is needed.

Christ with us.

When I was overcome with sickness in the middle of the night

while talking to a dear brother

that I became aware of what it can be like

God suffering alongside.

God in the Trinity is with us.

What Gets Us Through

One of my former classmates blogged about how he struggled to continue to be a Christian (I am waiting to read part 2 of his two part series).

Personally I think we all come to parts of our lives that are very difficult - what could be called a hell on earth. Death, illness, loss, relational stress, relational breakdown, family crisis - they can all trigger other internal crisis within ourselves, including a crisis of faith.

I have been in this place; since around my 10th year of life, I knew what it was to lose someone I loved. I have seen families shattered when the mother unexpectedly died. I have seen the small children crying, in shock; I have seen them still struggling, years later. These are no small things.

The question then is what gets us past or through these times; if we do, indeed, get through them. I am reminded of something Fr. Thomas Hopko said - a lot of what happens to a person, and that person's reactions (esp. about faith) come from who they have met.

My spiritual family (various brothers and sisters), my spiritual Father, my spiritual mother - they are part of this.

For me it is also a glimpse of God's love - an accepting warm love - when I was a teenager that kept me from giving up. When I struggled to believe, I would think of this experience and know that there was something more out there, even when it seemed totally alien to me.

Also now it is the Church and the Saints and the Icons. The monasteries. The Church and the Saints are part of this love. Humility, I have been told, is the other side of love; one coin two sides.

These things, they keep me.

The Psalms, they uphold me; Kathleen Norris writes of the Psalter as sustaining prayers, keeping her while her husband battled cancer.

Above all is God's mercy.

Psalm 23 - Thy mercy shall follow me, all the days of my life.
One of the translations I read replaces follow with pursue.

I know too well how I fail in areas of my life daily. I worry, fail, try to trust, and then find myself worrying some more (for example).

Yet I am promised that His mercy is new every morning. In the end somehow God pursues and keeps me. May we live under God's mercy forever and strive towards it.

Working Women

I am aware that my life, in a lot of respects, is not only very good but so far is manageable. Ignoring the insomnia, and other such things, really I cannot complain.

Work has been challenging as of late - I have too much on my plate and am not keeping up with some important things because of more pressing urgent things. I need help and prayer for this.

That said, there are much harder things. I think of the single parents who are working and taking care of kids.

Life is a challenge at times.

What do you do when things seem unmanageable?

Relief

I received confirmation that over the Christmas holidays I can return for a brief visit to the monastery. My second communion as an Orthodox Christian was there. I have stayed twice before.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that I will, Lord willing, be returning there for a short while.

I often get stuck in my own little world with its worries, joys, confusions and chaos. I hope to get beyond this and be able to rest and receive advice for those things I need to ask.

It is times like these that I feel most hopeful.

May the Lord continue to show His mercy to us.

For Fun

I just love these pictures of Cleo. I find them cute and they make me laugh. She loves windows and hearing the cars down on the street below.

Yay for cute cats and pets who make us laugh! Thank God for such blessings!!

Small Things

On the list to do:

1. Clean house
2. Put up Icons

Already done:

1. I finally registered my phone number with the National Do Not Call List. Canada, unfortunately, is often behind the US in phone matters. This list just started this past September. Soon I will not come home to phone ID showing 8 or more callers a day from various 1-800-numbers. This is good.

2. Phone errands

Thoughts of the day:

What it means to be okay with one's personality and preferences. I can be an introvert, in other words.

I'm Still Alive (in case anyone was wondering!)

I survived the Christmas party. The food was good. They had mashed potatoes. This made me happy.

The lighting was ambient and nice. For a while they played music much too loud. Everyone seemed happy, talking with one another. I left around eight-thirty.

I am tired. By the taxi ride home (buses are on strike right now, very UNCOOL, boo hiss; and it is cold out) my earrings felt heavy.

A nice woman who is quite new was my friend. I was quiet for a lot of it. The standing for an hour talking holding a glass (I had cranberry juice as I said I would) was long. I started to struggle but then I started praying and I knew that others were praying too. I felt at peace and happy to look at everyone and smile and pray as best I could.

I am really drained now and am glad to be home. I am glad also that I do not have to do that all the time. The dinner was fine though and I felt more relaxed. It was just the standing for that long at the beginning was hard.

I am glad it was a calm dinner party.

I was really happy to wear my new outfit and jewelry; I even did my hair, which is not saying much though. My hair curls naturally after being washed so I put hair stuff in and scrunched. That is all I am willing to do to it!!! But yes, it is FUN to be a girl and dress up....

Thank you everyone for your encouragement, advice and prayers.

tomorrow night

is the aforemetioned Christmas Party.

May God be glorified.

I admit to looking forward to wearing my new pretty outfit ... I am hopeful.

May God be with us all and help us in whatever is needed for us.

New things to learn and to own

Now that I work in Corporate Canada, running a small special library, I am involved also in Corporate Life.

I grew up in a small town, most of the people I knew were more blue collar Christians who faithfully lived and worked and sent their children to Christian schools. Very thoughtful, deliberate, God-loving people.

People that I hope Wendell Berry would like, especially the ones that had farms. These were not the doctors, lawyers, business or civil servants. And so, I did not experience five-course meals, table settings with more than one knife, fork and spoon, until I was in my early twenties. And in time, I became a librarian.

Libraries, even public libraries, can be a bit more business like. But not like where I am now. And so, I am going to my first Corporate Christmas Party. Cocktails and hors d'œuvre, with mingling and later a meal. Thankfully (I asked the right people) there has never been crazy alcohol induced things. I am not comfortable drinking socially myself, so I will get some nice red Cranberry juice or something.

And today I bought a pretty red sweater with a nice black/grey/silver strands suit jacket and pants. I also got some nice silver with crystal (or what looks like silver and crystal) flower necklace and earrings. I have been wearing the same silver earrings for 4 years strait and very very rarely buy jewelry at all as I always wear my silver Cross and silver earrings. I do not remember buying a dressy necklace since high school in the early 90's. Anyway. I feel a bit more prepared now and now have to continue to pray for wisdom, courage and Christ's love for the social mingling part.

I usually would rather quote Jane Kenyon's poem on staying home instead of going out than go to big events! (Unless they are with my church, this seems different, as it is family).

So the little country girl has to grow up to be a city girl with a professional career, Cute Cat and a nice one bedroom apartment.

Please pray for me - this is all new to me and I have felt nervous about it.

Also, if you have any suggestions for how to make small talk, please share with me! I had a really good conversation yesterday after church and was reminded of the introvert's golden key - ask the other person about themselves. Any other tips, I would love to hear.

For me, I really feel that this is part of my growing up and is linked to my inner healing (another story that this post is indirectly about). What are things that you see as things that helped you mature and grow?

Trusting God

My sister took this picture and posted it on facebook. I had forgotten that snowflakes are so intricate and how each one has exquisite individual detail. When talking to her on the phone, we both found that we had thought - how can anyone not believe in God as Creator after seeing snowflakes!?

Notice that one of these looks like a flower!

We all have painful events and situations in our lives. We all have struggles, fears and hangups. I know I do - things that seem impossible to change, get over or do. We can feel so overwhelmed that any possible action or way to move forward seems either non-existent or fruitless; we fall into despair.

It is then that I need to remember the God who loves us. The God who makes snowflakes. The God who gave us the Church. The God that Fr. Thomas Hopko talks about, teaching us that life is good and worth living (in his "Commencement" podcast).

It is this God that I must turn to now, when I wake in the middle of the night, sleepless again.

If God cares enough to be able to make snowflakes so beautiful, He can care about us and be taking care of us, right now, no matter where we find ourselves.

Pictures So Far

Everyone who has read my blog for a while, knows that I love my Cat Cleo. She is my faithful, cute, comforting little companion and adds a lot of cheer and delight to my life.

My apartment, thanks to a very generous and helpful friend, is now 80% box free! However, until I get my IKEA furniture (much will have to wait until the new year as it can only be ordered and I am leaving for Christmas in 2 weeks so it may not get here in time), my apartment will not be fully picture blog worthy. I would rather show it off when it is done, etc.

But to show a little of my best apartment ever... here are pictures of Cleo in my new place:

The love of windows and birds! I decided early on that I would not worry about Cleo being on my desk. She loves windows...

I am pleased with the light blue paint. I am still adjusting to having a different place though. Apparently it takes time!

This is in the living room by the sliding door. I love the gold chair - it was my Dad's chair when I was a child and we placed "spaceship" with the navy buttons during the day when he was at work. Cleo also loves this chair. She is often near by when I blog! You can also see a bit of the green paint that I chose.

It is going to take a while for my new place to be fully set up, but at least I have a good start.

Today in the Blog World - two comforting and instructive posts

I read this post by a priest in the Carpatho-Russian diocese - the sections on the Theotokos and prayers really struck me. Including the prayers in the Midnight Office.

This line in particular caught me:

As you are more honorable than the Angels, raise me above this world's confusion

And Fr. Tobias also quoted from our prayer book - Come to Me. This is a lovely prayer book that I find very simple and very good. As I come from a Protestant background where prayer was mainly spontaneous, this prayer book helped me gain a good beginning to praying the prayers of the Church.

The quote is from morning prayers:

O Birth-giver of God, my most holy Lady! Unworthy as I am, I beg you: by your holy and powerful prayers, empty my heart of all despair, of all laziness and slowness in understanding spiritual things, of all forgetfulness, of all sinful and crafty thoughts. By the strength of your prayers, cleanse my clouded mind and bruised heart. Free me from the memories of sins long gone by. Rescue me from every inclination to do wrong. In your goodness help me, for I am poor and lost. For you are praised by all generations, and your glorious name is honored forever.

I have been learning how hard it is to pray, especially to pray with attentiveness. However, I have hope because of the powerful prayers of the Theotokos.

I also appreciated this post by Fr. Stephen, whose blog, Glory to God for All Things, I have recommended to many without reservation. Fr. Stephen's post touches on prayer being possible even in our distracted lives; Orthodoxy shows that we can pray when in personal hells and when coming to ourselves, realizing our brokenness.

Both these blog posts give hope when in despair and show Christ coming to rescue us even in Hades. Thank God. And Thank God for Christ’s Holy Mother who prays for us.

Most Holy Theotokos save us!

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Apartment Adventures

Unfortunately I was woken up at 2 AM to someone trying to get into my apartment. Even though I knew they were probably confused and on the wrong floor, and possibly drunk, I still found it scary to wake up to someone knocking and trying to open the door with a key. I lit a candle by my Theotokos Icon and tried to calm down again. It took a while, I admit. I told the Super in the morning on my way to work and hope it never happens again. I will be inquiring about it again tomorrow. Meanwhile, I am thinking of putting an Icon on my front door...

I still love my apartment though. I have been here almost a week already! Some people have lived in this building for many years and are older. This makes my heart sing - they are probably responsible, unlike the confused one waking me at 2 AM...

Work went well this week, thanks to many people’s prayers and God's mercy. I feel like I am slowly catching on now to what I am supposed to be doing (most of this was all new to me) and I got to do some really involved and interesting reference questions. Some days being a librarian is fun. :)

I must admit that my life is not what I thought it would be, but I feel really thankful that I have a job and now a nice place to live. It is getting colder and I love winter! I also love that I can walk to work and to Church and to most things...

Reading Therapy

So... to relax in the quiet of the evening, flat out IGNORING the rest of my boxes in my living room...

I am re-reading Agatha Christie's 4.5o From Paddington. I love Miss Jane Marple.

Just thought I'd mention my love of mystery books. I have a lovely narrow bookshelf half full of mysteries. I find them relaxing, calming and give a sense of stability; I like the predictability, humour and the othernes about them.

Would love to hear what you read to relax, for comfort or for a challenge...

A diagnostic fun quiz

Mimi had a fun post, so I decided to play along... except I did not save the picture...

I would say this captures a lot of me, however not everything. I can be a leader as well... Anyway, here it is:

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid
* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid
* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often
* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents
* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed


and here is where it is from

If you decide to play along, tell me who you were placed as!

This Day Is Good

I had taken a weeks vacation time for my apartment move. Today I did not leave my apartment building. I did laundry and it felt like a deep luxury. Fr. James from the Cathedral in Ottawa laughed at me months ago when I told him that the laundry room is run by a debit card system - no change needed. "You're moving up in the world" he said.

Yep. This apartment feels so wonderful. Clean newly lacquered Parkay floors, green and blue walls. A kitchen with many cupboards. To live in a clean building, where glass doors are not smashed, there are no holes in the basement ceiling, the buzzer works, there is an elevator (great for laundry) and near instant hot water from the taps. I am richly blessed and I know it.

I am holding off on pictures until I get more things in order. I have been working on getting my books out of boxes. I feel really hopeful. These last few years have often been so exhausting that I was often overwhelmed. Tomorrow I return to work... at least I will be coming home to a better place. God help me - I want to rebuild my life...