Today, a grey day but one with hope in Christ

Yesterday Mr. Husband and I 

were driving back home from church

and all seemed incredibly foggy;

the salt whitened roads matched the clouds as we

drove on a bridge above things

and all seemed one colour ~ fog.

*

I have so many people who are struggling.

My friend Mara is going through a very hard time again.

Other friends are in great grief,

stress that comes from mothering young children

or other upheavals that come with life.

*

I have been thinking about grief lately.

Kathleen Norris's book

The Quotidian Mysteries

speaks of this also; of facing grief and of the 

Psalms helping.

*

Grief comes even from good things ~ 

I am very blessed in my marriage to Mr. Husband,

who is truly my beloved husband,

but even good change includes a type of grief;

one is no longer single ~ this is a huge change;

marriage means being confronted with one's self and

patterns that do not work in one's new life or

things that were plain unhealthy.

*

For me it was also leaving Ottawa and my church family;

I can tell that I am moving into the stage of being resettled a bit more;

of feeling that the new things,

for me city, home, church, it was all new at once,

is becoming familiar, one's new beloved.

*

I had such a good visit in Ottawa;

God gave me a peace that is only from Him;

I love my church there very much and it was wonderful to see 

everyone; I was also blessed that I faced some of the sense of

grief that I still have in me (as I loved and still love Ottawa) 

before my trip... it made everything more peaceful.

*

It's funny how actually facing grief can bring peace,

though one has to go through the pain of facing the grief.

*

It's been almost a year since I came down with mono,

on Valentines Day last year.

This morning I felt a bit unwell so I rested...

that is what I did not do this time last year;

I did not let myself rest;

I realize that I was in part staying busy as I did not know how

to face the grief I was in about leaving Ottawa and 

getting settled here.

*

This year for Valentines Day I am getting two

cookbooks for the price of one 

by choosing them used via amazon.

Both GF babycakes cookbooks.

I am really excited about getting both of these;

I have some friends and family who are GF and slowly learning these

recipes are exciting to me, as I really love hospitality.

*

I had a fun conversation with my Cat Cleo today.

Those who have pets will understand that one can have

such conversations.

Cleo had been meowing for sometime.

Begging for cat treats I believe.

So I told her that she is an addict to Cat Treats.

Eventually, 

after I was finished eating lunch,

I brushed her and then gave her the Cat Treats she'd been wanting.

You know what I told her?

I have the same problem, though it is not cat treats that

are my addiction!

It's more a struggle I have with materialism 

and my love of 

a) distraction (Internet reading is a lot of it)

b) amazon and getting great book deals, for example.

*

I have a feeling I have more to face in terms of this...

sometimes the struggle of materialism and feeling like

one buys something is really trying to deal with 

a large something in one's life that is really not 

going to be dealt with in this manner at all,

only assuaged for a bit.

*

Our modern fractured scattered lives do not help this...

*

I don't think I am alone at all in this,

but I am also praying about it.

How does one change?

What does change look like? 

I am home most days and do not always have a lot of people

or any person to directly talk to...

which leads me to spend a lot of time online as my

place of contact with others.

*

Much to think on and pray about.  

I know that as I had mono for 6 months last year,

it has taken me longer than I would of wished to get settle

and in new routines.

*

Lots of patience is needed in life,

and I am finding daily life and such to be no exception.

*

Yet God is with us,

in all thing things and struggles we find ourselves in. 

Another Day in November

Please keep praying for Noah.
He is really struggling
and needs our prayers...

 

I am going into NYC tomorrow.
I sometimes love
and sometimes am overwhelmed
by the City.
However,
I am feeling a renewed hopefulness
and know in time that
this will all be
as they say
old hat
and I will be at home.
*
Or at least more at home...
one can alway hope...
*
After all,
the books I read about NYC always
spoke somehow of home to me
so there is hope to be had.
*
Wish me luck or whatever you
want to say the Orthodox equivalent is
and say a prayer
as I am also determined to go to
try out that pool
and begin to make a routine for myself...
*
One step at a time...
*
Oh, and can I mention that
Mr. Husband and I just finished reading
the Hobbit.
And that I am really very glad
to be married to Mr. Husband?
I may be in a lot of transition but it is worth it all
to be with the man I married.
*
Life has many challenges
but God is with us
He will not abandon us.
He is gentle, patient and kind
and is with us
waiting for us,
for our prayers
for our repentance
for us to turn to Him for help
comfort, solace and protection.
Oh for us to remember our Lord's
love for us...

Friday Morning - old and new calendar...

 

Today new calendar is St. Nektarios' day.
He is a wonderful Saint and one
that is loved by many.
If you have not read this book on him
St. Nektarios: The Saint of our Century
and you either have it or can get it
read it!
It is a wonderful consoling book...
*
St. Nektarios' day will be
old calendar
on American Thanksgiving this year.
Mr. Husband and I will have our
first Thanksgiving on his day,
which is pretty special indeed...
*
Here's a great post with lots of information
about St. Nektarios...
*
My Ottawa church is doing a service for him
for healing again this year
and how I will miss this.
*
But I know that God will have His way
especially when we let him
and I know that I am to be with
my beloved Mr. Husband...
*
Read a great quote this morning
from one of my dear Ottawa friends:
He said to me, “Be simple and guileless, and you will be as the children who know not the wickedness that ruins the life of men. First, then, speak evil of no one, nor listen with pleasure to any one who speaks evil of another. But if you listen, you will partake of the sin of him who speaks evil, if you believe the slander which you hear; 154 for believing it, you will also have something to say against your brother. Thus, then, will you be guilty of the sin of him who slanders. For slander is evil 155 and an unsteady demon. It never abides in peace, but always remains in discord. Keep yourself from it, and you will always be at peace with all.
- the Pastor of Hermas found here
*
Something that I am learning in my years of being
Orthodox is what will bring and what will
take away one's peace.
*
It seems that a lot of life hinges on this understanding.
And it is a battle that involves our thoughts,
our will, our understanding/discernment of thoughts
and that a good spiritual father/confessor can
aid in this process.
*
I have been thinking on this theme again lately,
and am going to try to write up a blog post
more about it.
*
Meanwhile,
it is a sunny morning and I am going to clean up
my kitchen and get to work on things...
*
Wishing you all a peace-filled day!

Gospel and Prayer

 

Yesterday afternoon
I was suddenly inspired to pray and specifically
ask God for the Internet to come back
so I can make phone calls
and communicate with people.
*
Within hours the Internet was back.
*
I was reminded of this when I read the Gospel for today:
*
Gospel Reading: Luke 11:1-10

And it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place,

when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him,
"Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples."
So He said to them, "When you pray, say:
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us day by day our daily bread.
and forgive us our sins,
for we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And do not lead us into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one."
And He said to them,
"Which of you shall have a friend,
and go to him at midnight and say to him,
'Friend, lend me three loaves;
'for a friend of mine has come to me on his journey,
and I have nothing to set before him';
"and he will answer from within and say,
'Do not trouble me; the door is now shut,
and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give to you'?
"I say to you, though he will not rise and give to him
because he is his friend,
yet because of his persistence
he will rise and give him as many as he needs.
"And I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find;
knock, and it will be opened to you.
"For everyone who asks receives,
and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it will be opened.

Life is a balancing act

I know I am not alone in seeking to have

enough time to do everything:

pray

eat well

study or work or tend one's family

(some do all three at once)

and

sleep enough for one's needs.

***

I have been mulling over a section in Frederica Matthewes-Green's

book on the Canon of St. Andrew...

about the prayer of the heart...

I asked my spiritual father about this

and he explained that both the heart

and the nous (the Greek word for where one's spiritual intellect / perception is)

are both damaged and need to be purified.

And that we seek everything to find rest and do not realize that

it is only when the heart and the nous

are back where they were always meant to be

that we will recieve this rest,

this fullfillment.

I now understand a little more why

we are like U2's song,

Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

or

With or Without you.

We are so insatiable.

I know I am guilty of it;

so easy to be excited about the new toy

(for me the cell phone I got to save money

and be able to have a mp3 player to listen to

French CDs).

My spiritual father's explanation of how

the heart is searching everywhere

to be filled

has been with me ever since we had that conversation.

Is this what I have been waiting for!?!

All this time...

To learn to live in the presence of God

with a purified and realigned heart and mind...

O to continue on the road towards this!

(note I am not pretending to have it already...)

The weekend I was sick and missed church

I read the rest of the book

The Saint of our Century: The Life of St. Nektarios

that Sylvia also mentioned loving

a while back.

I was impressed with the humble family that

St. Nektarios lived with

and how they always kept their lampada lit.

I think of this now,

when looking at my lampada.

I read (do not remember where)

how a lit lampada (icon lamp) helps rise our soul to prayer.

Sometimes we just have to stop

and look up at our icons

the lit candles or lampada

and realize we need to pray,

that we need to remember God.

In other news,
Cleo invites others to come play with her.
Apparently I am not sufficing for her playful habits.
***
Personally, I was delighted to read my sister Rebecca's latest blog post
as God is blessing her and her husband's work in Romania.
I really miss my sister!
She and my brother-in-law are dear friends of my heart.
The other day my Mom and I were on speaker-phone together
while facebook-chatting with Rebecca,
teasing each other and just talking.
We have not really had that kind of family banter and conversation
for over a year,
(since I was not able to go home before they left for Romania)
so it was really refreshing.
***
Meanwhile,
how to remember God while studying French....
***
I have been thinking about Fr. Thomas Hopko's
very special podcast
Does God Play Favourites
and how we struggling Orthodox Christians
can have God's mercy and receive a "Saint's reward"...
so much of Pascha and the understanding of
God letting people come at the 11th hour
permeated this podcast.
I highly recommend it.
***
We have hope that the Lord will help us
and have mercy.

***this is re-posted as my pictures disappeared. I hope they stay this time; if they do not I am afraid I do not have time to redo this a third time...

is it just me, or...

I am tired tonight. Yet I find myself resisting going to bed early. What do I think I am missing by leaving my quiet living room with my cat to pray and sleep? (Why must I finish my dishes, or why must I read just a few more pages in a book?)

Does anyone else do this, I wonder?