As I was standing in church for vespers tonight, I felt relieved. Yes, my life is not what I thought it would be. Yes, my ideals have been challenged, shattered and changed. Yes, life is hard.
I remembered how when I was even younger, I had a full list of what I thought I would do for the next ten years.
THANK GOD that nothing on that list happened. My ideas and ideals for my life, as someone very young in the faith, do not often match what God has for me.
I can say that how things have worked are better than what I would of planned.
So I am left not, as I would of thought years ago, if my ideals were shattered and I became increasingly aware of the fact, with wreckage. Or not a wreckage that is irredeemable!
The Church gives the foundation for how to live; my local church and the monastery I visit also give direction.
I have to seek to do as I was taught and see what my life is now, for what it is, instead of what I thought it would be.
I feel in ways like a young child, exploring a new place for the first time.
This is my life now; may God show me how, and give me the willingness, to live it.
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
More on where we find ourselves
Yesterday I wrote on how we cannot escape damaging our world, based on an essay by Sherrard. Also touched on was how my ideals were wrong and/or have been changed. I wrote on the brokenness that I see in myself and in the world.
Today I want to explore where I went wrong (from what I can see anyway). Years ago when I was reading books such as M Beattie’s Co-dependant no more and the popular for a year or so Simple Abundance (I still own both books and do not disrespect the authors). However, one, Beattie’s books are honest and I feel that Simple Abundance was not. One author had gone through hell and the other author (of Simple Abundance) was denying her personal hell, though they were hinted at in her book and totally opened in her second book. I hurt for her, when I read in her second book how her marriage dissolved, how she totally remade herself again and for the pain I felt radiating from this second book. Somewhere, between reading these books and my own ideas intertwining with these books (I still believe in some independence of thought and that we are not mere constructs thinking imbibed only from current culture), I came up with an image of who I wanted to be.
Now I see how immature my ideas were, dear and young as they are. Not that I am now mature and know it all, rather the opposite. At a mere 32 years of age, I can say less and less about final things, save that I have found a Church that has withstood time, a lot of nonsense, evil and still can be found to give healing.
My current conclusions:
We cannot merely remake our worlds on an aesthetic, material and physical level and think we are okay. If you have been reading my blog, you know how excited I am about my new furniture. If you know me well in person, you know I dress professionally for work, that I wear long skirts with pants (grin) to church in the winter and, when in church, cover my head. If you have been to my house (or read my blog) you know I have a lot of icons, a few prayer books and other Orthodox books. I have made decisions on how I interact with my world, just as you have made decisions on how you present yourself in your world.
We can have a perfectly intact house, be up on popular culture, wear the latest clothes, have the right things, religious or semi-religious (some would consider the organic life, the Moosewood cookbook, and lulu lemon to be nearing this if they were honest) and be totally broken inwardly. We can even be so broken that we do not know we are broken. We can be in church and not pray; we can burn incense at homes by icons and be totally self-absorbed. (Being in church, praying at home with Icons and reading Orthodox books can help us participate in our salvation. This is however not the issue I am dealing with in this essay).
Redecorating our house, learning yoga or pilates, and eating well can help us. Being aware of our body and breathing can help us (might I mention that yoga that includes Hindu prayers I find to be spiritually dangerous). Exercise, eating well and being balanced in our care for our bodies and emotions are good. Living in a beautiful orderly house can give the feeling or impression of inward sanity.
But if this is all we have, we are fooling ourselves. This is where I went wrong.
Somehow I fell for a lie that if we had our lives looking a certain way, with certain things I could really have it made. No. We cannot save ourselves. We can, for a time, maintain a certain image of who we are (until physical aliments, or senility strike) but we cannot save ourselves. We cannot even become content or happy without help (or at least I cannot). A job and money, so I have learned in my post-student days, cannot take away an inward anxiety that comes from deeper causes.
This is the realization I am currently at. I, and others, are broken; we are in need of great healing. I have also realized that I cannot use my life as example to help others (God can use broken beings including me but I am talking about myself here, not God’s ability).
So where am I left?
For now: two things – one more questions about how I should live my life.
Two – hope in God. A God who, as Fr. Schmemann writes in his book, Great Lent¸ gave us Pasca. With the understanding that Christ’s resurrection changed everything. With the prayer that we will gain inward healing, with a prayer for God’s mercy for the world.
Today I want to explore where I went wrong (from what I can see anyway). Years ago when I was reading books such as M Beattie’s Co-dependant no more and the popular for a year or so Simple Abundance (I still own both books and do not disrespect the authors). However, one, Beattie’s books are honest and I feel that Simple Abundance was not. One author had gone through hell and the other author (of Simple Abundance) was denying her personal hell, though they were hinted at in her book and totally opened in her second book. I hurt for her, when I read in her second book how her marriage dissolved, how she totally remade herself again and for the pain I felt radiating from this second book. Somewhere, between reading these books and my own ideas intertwining with these books (I still believe in some independence of thought and that we are not mere constructs thinking imbibed only from current culture), I came up with an image of who I wanted to be.
Now I see how immature my ideas were, dear and young as they are. Not that I am now mature and know it all, rather the opposite. At a mere 32 years of age, I can say less and less about final things, save that I have found a Church that has withstood time, a lot of nonsense, evil and still can be found to give healing.
My current conclusions:
We cannot merely remake our worlds on an aesthetic, material and physical level and think we are okay. If you have been reading my blog, you know how excited I am about my new furniture. If you know me well in person, you know I dress professionally for work, that I wear long skirts with pants (grin) to church in the winter and, when in church, cover my head. If you have been to my house (or read my blog) you know I have a lot of icons, a few prayer books and other Orthodox books. I have made decisions on how I interact with my world, just as you have made decisions on how you present yourself in your world.
We can have a perfectly intact house, be up on popular culture, wear the latest clothes, have the right things, religious or semi-religious (some would consider the organic life, the Moosewood cookbook, and lulu lemon to be nearing this if they were honest) and be totally broken inwardly. We can even be so broken that we do not know we are broken. We can be in church and not pray; we can burn incense at homes by icons and be totally self-absorbed. (Being in church, praying at home with Icons and reading Orthodox books can help us participate in our salvation. This is however not the issue I am dealing with in this essay).
Redecorating our house, learning yoga or pilates, and eating well can help us. Being aware of our body and breathing can help us (might I mention that yoga that includes Hindu prayers I find to be spiritually dangerous). Exercise, eating well and being balanced in our care for our bodies and emotions are good. Living in a beautiful orderly house can give the feeling or impression of inward sanity.
But if this is all we have, we are fooling ourselves. This is where I went wrong.
Somehow I fell for a lie that if we had our lives looking a certain way, with certain things I could really have it made. No. We cannot save ourselves. We can, for a time, maintain a certain image of who we are (until physical aliments, or senility strike) but we cannot save ourselves. We cannot even become content or happy without help (or at least I cannot). A job and money, so I have learned in my post-student days, cannot take away an inward anxiety that comes from deeper causes.
This is the realization I am currently at. I, and others, are broken; we are in need of great healing. I have also realized that I cannot use my life as example to help others (God can use broken beings including me but I am talking about myself here, not God’s ability).
So where am I left?
For now: two things – one more questions about how I should live my life.
Two – hope in God. A God who, as Fr. Schmemann writes in his book, Great Lent¸ gave us Pasca. With the understanding that Christ’s resurrection changed everything. With the prayer that we will gain inward healing, with a prayer for God’s mercy for the world.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Questions of self, meaning, and how God saves us where we are
I have been mulling over something for a few weeks; in some ways this has been on my mind for months.
I am in my early thirties now; when I was in my earlier twenties I had many ideals. I would be creative, I would become an English professor, I would have something meaningful to say to others, I would be able to point to the Salvation of the World. Frankly that is what most people want, is it not? To have a meaningful life, to explain that life, to have others wish to emulate that life; that seems to be the point of many blogs or one of the points. To have a life worth living seems to mean to many to have a life worth copying.
Let me try to explain what I mean; or at least show you. How to show you though? Well perhaps it comes from family pressure to always be a ‘witness’ that is common enough in Protestant circles; and if Christ is who He is and I believe He is, then Christ is worth pointing others toward.
It could be that I had things turned around or that I currently have things turned around or both and later I (with divine intervention) will get them straitened.
Here is where I am going towards – ideals and how one thought the world would work. I think I was simply wrong. Years ago I read a lot of books, tried to really work on inward growth. And somehow I have grown, at least in some ways. Though this past year has been such a challenge, I feel like many of the areas of growth I thought I had “covered” were unearthed, kicked around and open to the glaring sun of unfinished work, unfinished self and various inward confusions. Regardless of what may be happening now, I used to dream of having things “together”, becoming self-confident, self-assured, able to take on the world and be on top of things.
Now I wonder instead if that ideal was not at all what I was supposed to be going towards. Professionally it seems that this must be the ideal; I have a long way to go here. But personally and inwardly it seems that this ideal must be shed. But I am not sure now or what is to take its place.
Here is an example of what I am seeking to explain – in the fall a lady I know, a priest I respect and I read through an article by Philip Sherrard. We read it over the course of two or three weeks and discussed it. The article, from what I remember, explained how centuries ago it was possible to flee the world and not be part of the world’s destruction. His article went on to discuss how this was no longer possible. We are now too ensnared and entangled to not participate in the destruction of the world. Environmentally it is impossible – we fly in planes, ride in cars and buses, use computers, use electricity. No matter how hard one may try to reduce one’s “carbon footprint”, etc. we cannot fully do it. We may try to flee the world, shouting that we are against big business. But without big business the computer you are reading this on and the one I am using would not be here.
Sherrard’s only answer to this was the liturgy; that the only life-giving moment that can change anything is Christ’s Eucharist.
And Sherrard acknowledged that even the celebration of Communion is often tainted now, even within the Orthodox Church. His article was not easy reading.
It seems like the only answer though. Christ’s blood shed and partaken by us, who often are more dead than alive or mere shells of what we were made to be.
For the rest of it, I am not sure what to think. A lot of it was faulty advertising that I fell for. Not that I do not have thousands and thousands of things to be thankful for; I have a job, housing, nice things, a family and options. Perhaps I should read more Walker Percy; his novels articulate the realization of human’s brokenness and a sense that there should be or is more to life than what we often have.
Sometimes we just have to wait, hope and stand silent, asking the God who we have seen, touched and heard to have mercy on us.
I am in my early thirties now; when I was in my earlier twenties I had many ideals. I would be creative, I would become an English professor, I would have something meaningful to say to others, I would be able to point to the Salvation of the World. Frankly that is what most people want, is it not? To have a meaningful life, to explain that life, to have others wish to emulate that life; that seems to be the point of many blogs or one of the points. To have a life worth living seems to mean to many to have a life worth copying.
Let me try to explain what I mean; or at least show you. How to show you though? Well perhaps it comes from family pressure to always be a ‘witness’ that is common enough in Protestant circles; and if Christ is who He is and I believe He is, then Christ is worth pointing others toward.
It could be that I had things turned around or that I currently have things turned around or both and later I (with divine intervention) will get them straitened.
Here is where I am going towards – ideals and how one thought the world would work. I think I was simply wrong. Years ago I read a lot of books, tried to really work on inward growth. And somehow I have grown, at least in some ways. Though this past year has been such a challenge, I feel like many of the areas of growth I thought I had “covered” were unearthed, kicked around and open to the glaring sun of unfinished work, unfinished self and various inward confusions. Regardless of what may be happening now, I used to dream of having things “together”, becoming self-confident, self-assured, able to take on the world and be on top of things.
Now I wonder instead if that ideal was not at all what I was supposed to be going towards. Professionally it seems that this must be the ideal; I have a long way to go here. But personally and inwardly it seems that this ideal must be shed. But I am not sure now or what is to take its place.
Here is an example of what I am seeking to explain – in the fall a lady I know, a priest I respect and I read through an article by Philip Sherrard. We read it over the course of two or three weeks and discussed it. The article, from what I remember, explained how centuries ago it was possible to flee the world and not be part of the world’s destruction. His article went on to discuss how this was no longer possible. We are now too ensnared and entangled to not participate in the destruction of the world. Environmentally it is impossible – we fly in planes, ride in cars and buses, use computers, use electricity. No matter how hard one may try to reduce one’s “carbon footprint”, etc. we cannot fully do it. We may try to flee the world, shouting that we are against big business. But without big business the computer you are reading this on and the one I am using would not be here.
Sherrard’s only answer to this was the liturgy; that the only life-giving moment that can change anything is Christ’s Eucharist.
And Sherrard acknowledged that even the celebration of Communion is often tainted now, even within the Orthodox Church. His article was not easy reading.
It seems like the only answer though. Christ’s blood shed and partaken by us, who often are more dead than alive or mere shells of what we were made to be.
For the rest of it, I am not sure what to think. A lot of it was faulty advertising that I fell for. Not that I do not have thousands and thousands of things to be thankful for; I have a job, housing, nice things, a family and options. Perhaps I should read more Walker Percy; his novels articulate the realization of human’s brokenness and a sense that there should be or is more to life than what we often have.
Sometimes we just have to wait, hope and stand silent, asking the God who we have seen, touched and heard to have mercy on us.
Monday, December 08, 2008
New things to learn and to own
Now that I work in Corporate Canada, running a small special library, I am involved also in Corporate Life.
I grew up in a small town, most of the people I knew were more blue collar Christians who faithfully lived and worked and sent their children to Christian schools. Very thoughtful, deliberate, God-loving people.
People that I hope Wendell Berry would like, especially the ones that had farms. These were not the doctors, lawyers, business or civil servants. And so, I did not experience five-course meals, table settings with more than one knife, fork and spoon, until I was in my early twenties. And in time, I became a librarian.
Libraries, even public libraries, can be a bit more business like. But not like where I am now. And so, I am going to my first Corporate Christmas Party. Cocktails and hors d'œuvre, with mingling and later a meal. Thankfully (I asked the right people) there has never been crazy alcohol induced things. I am not comfortable drinking socially myself, so I will get some nice red Cranberry juice or something.
And today I bought a pretty red sweater with a nice black/grey/silver strands suit jacket and pants. I also got some nice silver with crystal (or what looks like silver and crystal) flower necklace and earrings. I have been wearing the same silver earrings for 4 years strait and very very rarely buy jewelry at all as I always wear my silver Cross and silver earrings. I do not remember buying a dressy necklace since high school in the early 90's. Anyway. I feel a bit more prepared now and now have to continue to pray for wisdom, courage and Christ's love for the social mingling part.
I usually would rather quote Jane Kenyon's poem on staying home instead of going out than go to big events! (Unless they are with my church, this seems different, as it is family).
So the little country girl has to grow up to be a city girl with a professional career, Cute Cat and a nice one bedroom apartment.
Please pray for me - this is all new to me and I have felt nervous about it.
Also, if you have any suggestions for how to make small talk, please share with me! I had a really good conversation yesterday after church and was reminded of the introvert's golden key - ask the other person about themselves. Any other tips, I would love to hear.
For me, I really feel that this is part of my growing up and is linked to my inner healing (another story that this post is indirectly about). What are things that you see as things that helped you mature and grow?
I grew up in a small town, most of the people I knew were more blue collar Christians who faithfully lived and worked and sent their children to Christian schools. Very thoughtful, deliberate, God-loving people.
People that I hope Wendell Berry would like, especially the ones that had farms. These were not the doctors, lawyers, business or civil servants. And so, I did not experience five-course meals, table settings with more than one knife, fork and spoon, until I was in my early twenties. And in time, I became a librarian.
Libraries, even public libraries, can be a bit more business like. But not like where I am now. And so, I am going to my first Corporate Christmas Party. Cocktails and hors d'œuvre, with mingling and later a meal. Thankfully (I asked the right people) there has never been crazy alcohol induced things. I am not comfortable drinking socially myself, so I will get some nice red Cranberry juice or something.
And today I bought a pretty red sweater with a nice black/grey/silver strands suit jacket and pants. I also got some nice silver with crystal (or what looks like silver and crystal) flower necklace and earrings. I have been wearing the same silver earrings for 4 years strait and very very rarely buy jewelry at all as I always wear my silver Cross and silver earrings. I do not remember buying a dressy necklace since high school in the early 90's. Anyway. I feel a bit more prepared now and now have to continue to pray for wisdom, courage and Christ's love for the social mingling part.
I usually would rather quote Jane Kenyon's poem on staying home instead of going out than go to big events! (Unless they are with my church, this seems different, as it is family).
So the little country girl has to grow up to be a city girl with a professional career, Cute Cat and a nice one bedroom apartment.
Please pray for me - this is all new to me and I have felt nervous about it.
Also, if you have any suggestions for how to make small talk, please share with me! I had a really good conversation yesterday after church and was reminded of the introvert's golden key - ask the other person about themselves. Any other tips, I would love to hear.
For me, I really feel that this is part of my growing up and is linked to my inner healing (another story that this post is indirectly about). What are things that you see as things that helped you mature and grow?
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