Thursday, May 22, 2014

how can one write on silence?

Some thoughts that I wrote before
we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 
{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!
I've been thinking for years now on a topic
that is seemingly impossible to write on:
Or, silence and what music I listen to now.
Or, how to be different than almost everyone and how
I don't want to silence conversation and freedom.
Well, here it is.
Years ago I think my Mom helped me drop off my luggage at the 
monastery in Michigan I go to,
when they still have all worship services in the chapel.
I had come towards the end of vespers
and I said goodbye to my Mom and Dad after
being properly ready, luggage in room, head covering on,
etc and so I entered the chapel just at the end of 
the vespers service,
when people were venerating the icons and leaving.
Adn I could hear it or sense it;
the silence.
The silence that comes from true or deep prayer.
Once, years later,
right in the middle of the really hard time I was having with 
bills, no job and health problems,
I was at a baptism at my church in Ottawa and
I had to step out to go downstairs; 
when I opened the door to come back,
I remember hearing that silence and realized
that deep prayer was going on and I had a pretty strong impression
of the prayerfulness of the new godfather as his
godson was being baptised.
That's really what I want,
what everyone wants in their soul;
that rest, that deep strong silence that is full of presence.
I know it comes from prayer, from deep prayer, from 
praying the Jesus Prayer,
from deep within.
Years ago a Bishop from overseas who was Romanian but serving in 
other country came to my church in Ottawa;
we all remember his gentleness and I asked his prayers 
through a dear Romanian friend and 
he told me that he would pray for my family
from deep in his heart,
and I knew where his gentleness and prayerful nature was.
So years before that I was confronted with a very painful time
in my life, a real grief that stunned me into a silence
that meant that I stopped listening to much of the popular music
I then listened to and I began listening to the 
and years later I briefly listened to some other music
but for the most part,
I now listen to Orthodox music, some classical and 
various Christmas music during the Nativity Season.
I wish I was what I am not yet because of this change.
I am so aware of being perhaps unusual in this
but I guess I wanted to write on why 
I see that this is part of my life now,
the change in my habits
of music/listening/silence.
But I also know that the silence I have heard a few times
I do not yet have myself.
Not at all.
But at least I know it is there, is real and 
that I can trust in God's mercy on me,
a straggler, one who struggles....

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