{reflections} ~ the quiet power of books, mothering, and what we take in

I am writing on a cloudy day

here in New Jersey,

living near NYC.

*

It's one of those days that I realize that needs to be

a quiet day, shades drawn, quiet reading and working.

*

It's rare to have these days and I am thankful for today.

*

Years ago when I was in between jobs and constantly

in that struggle,

I had more of these days,

in between times, in between things and I remember

reading books on the Optina Fathers,

Esp. Abbot Moses and well, 

it was a special time.

*

I am hoping this summer to carve out a bit more of this time.

I am working on reading two books right now

in this line:

one that I borrowed from one of our deacons:

the Acquisition of the Holy Spirit in Ancient Russia

and I know a Man in Christ:Elder Sophrony the Hesychast and Theologian

These are books that I find I have to read in quiet,

in a place where I am not in a hurry and can pay attention.

I am hoping to teach my Sunday School children next year

not only more about the church year but

what the goal of our life should be...

I know this goal is intrinsically this:

to know Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit and to 

have Christ dwell in our hearts by the Holy Spirit.

Of course to even begin to enter this goal,

one needs to see one's need for Christ and for the salvation that He offers.

*

The teaching will be at their level of course,

the books I am reading are currently above them but the essence

of Christianity and of what the Orthodox Church offers is

accessible at any age. 

*

It is something I am just a mere new born baby in incorporating in my life.

*

I am also thinking of how my habits have changed in terms of media

over the years.  

It's something I actually don't blog about that much,

for various quite valid reasons...

*

Well, I guess I will start with when I was 20 and 

went to a Bible School in Sweden,

before cell phones and data, when email was still quite new (3 or so years old).

facebook had not yet been invented and I did not know the word

social media or what a 'blog' is.

But CD players, headsets, headphones those we knew then already.

Here's what my months at the school included:

~no access to email

~no music playing outside of headphones on an individual.

So very little media distraction.

The music was huge for me.

I remember the sensation of music and songs slowly draining out of me;

like I would hear the song internally and then it would leave,

as it were....

 (though not completely,

so many songs are ingrained in my memory, so that

when I hear them again, it's all there).

Still. 

It was my first experience with silence.

I was newly 20.

I wanted God in a real way and I spent a lot of time pouring over my Bible

and writing God prayers (that's how I mainly prayed back then

and I know that God accepts what the youth has to give).

*

Well, fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I am newly in Ottawa.

I just started this blog.

I was so overcome by my new church and, really, learning to go 

to confession on a regular basis for the first time

(I moved so much as a student that for various reasons

I just had not had a chance to really get this one, as it were, in

terms of routine). 

I also did not have a stereo with me in Ottawa. 

So much was happening all at once, 

life and death, a lot of growth, and I found I needed to meet 

it all in silence.

*

For years before this, I had gone the gamut in terms of music,

from all Christian Contemporary music, to just popular music of the day,

to folk, to all classical, to newly founded Ancient Faith Radio...

*

TV I had not had in years.

The whole long 'reality shows' began after I stopped watching TV.

I as much more interested I guess in reading books than TV,

though I remember the first place I lived off campus had a TV

and I spent all Spring Break that year watching 

mystery movies and TV shows of this nature.

*

Anyway.

*

So now I do some classical music, some chant, various Orthodox music

and many days silence, though it all goes in circles between these.

*

Part of this change was when I realized how anxious of a person I can be

and that a lot of popular music was feeding that anxiety and generally

destroying a sense of calm, peace and goodness that can be found

through the Church.

*

I have realized how profoundly music, TV, movies can impact 

me internally ~ I am seeing now that our culture

is profoundly influenced by (TV) shows, movies, music...

*

It's something I am glad I have distanced myself from

in part because I feel it has given me the space to be able 

to think, discern and see what to keep and what to be wary of

in our current cultural milieu.

*

I have a long ways to go of course.

While I can do silence, not watch shows, 

I still do FB, I still struggle very much with 'screen time.'

but I also have hope that God can help me

and that all of these things take time;

there is usually it seems not a lot of immediate healing

in the Christian life (though of course miracles still happen

today and even in my life at rare times God has helped me

quickly stop something I was doing wrong,

but over all I find God also wants us to struggle).

*

This ties in, to me at least, to the understanding of Mothering

when one is an adult.

I am  blessed with an intact family, 

and even more, my parents are Christians.

What a huge blessing.

Something I am learning and have learned as an adult is

what it means to 'Mother' oneself.

I've learned it from everything from 

~use skin cream for dry skin in cold winters

~being careful what my eyes see, my ears hear, my mind thinks

~learn to take care of one's needs in terms of food

~build community 

~when to have a quiet day (I know this is easier for me as I am not a Mother of

young children)

*

Well, all this to say I am grateful for what God has taught me

and that there is so much HOPE in Christ.

{Fr. Roman Braga} ~ 40th Day ~ Memory Eternal!

Today is Fr. Roman Braga's 40th day ~

that is the 40th day since he fell asleep in the Lord

 on April 28th of this year, 2015.

*

I wish I could be at Holy Dormition Monastery for this memorial but

it was not possible.

*

This past week I was able to go to a closer monastery,

St. Tikhon's and it was so comforting to 

hear Fr. Roman prayed for in the liturgy and vigil service 

that I was at.  

I felt, in hearing him so prayed for, that 

not only was he being remembered

but all of us who loved Fr. Roman Braga were 

being remembered and prayed for as well.

Simply said, it made me feel cared for.

*

I never had the honour of taking to Fr. Roman for more

than a minute or so to get his blessing,

but once, right outside the dining hall, I got his blessing

and he smiled and said to me:

make yourself at home here [at the monastery]

and I felt so loved and blessed, as if 

everything was suddenly very much full of sunshine.

*

I still remember my first time at Holy Dormition Monastery

and how it was my first Sunday after I was chrismated and

Fr. Roman gave instructions for preparation for Holy Communion

in Romanian and they were translated into English...

*

I remember his joy, his jokes and laughter at the table once

when I was there with very few people

and I esp. remember how he prayed in church

during that Lenten period of Great Lent.

I have to this day never heard anyone else pray the

prayer of St. Ephraim with so much contrition,

that Fr. Roman really knew himself to be a sinner. 

*

I remember many times watching him in church,

knowing he was praying.

As I wrote earlier, it was enough to see him

and to just know he was praying to God

and also praying the Jesus Prayer.

*

It is like a child seeing their Father,

who they know in their very bones, is 

a good Father who does good and

is one they can trust

to care for them,

protect them, 

succour them, guide, teach 

and love them. 

*

For me, while the older I get the more shadowed realizations 

of my own inward poverty, it was always a real comfort to know

that Fr. Roman prays so deeply. 

*

It is the reassurance that one has knowing

that their Father is there 

and that everything,

ultimately, 

will be taken care of

and that they can be at peace.

*

I told someone at church,

and I know I am not alone in thinking it,

that while there is real grief and loss at Fr. Roman's passing,

especially for those who were close to him,

yet it was happy, as so many of us dream of the day

that Fr. Roman's day of death, April 28th,

will be his new Saint's day 

for us on earth while he is praying for us in heaven.

*

May God so grant and may we have Fr. Roman's blessing!

Memory Eternal dear and beloved Fr. Roman

and may God remember you in His Kingdom

and may we have your prayers and blessing! 

*

Memory Eternal,

Memory Eternal,

Memory Eternal!

Lent 2015

Great Lent for Orthodox Christians

ended this past Friday.

*

I've written how for me personally

it was a Lent that was a bit easier - 

usually Lents for me in years past have

either had sickness, high stress or personally

devastating news on one level or another.

*

Of course I have things in my life that are unbloggable,

like we all do, but overall, things were a bit lighter this year for me

during Lent.

*

I don't expect it to be this way forever or even for long;

I always remember in the book by Fr. John,

Christ is in our midst

where he wrote basically 

to prepare for hard times when times are good

and to know that a more peaceful time 

will come after a difficult time.

*

I've found that in my life God gives a period of rest after

a difficult time and often esp. before a future difficult time.

When I was young I found that I thought life

got easier (when it was actually a grace period to rest in,

to be strengthened) because I was obeying God better in some form.

Now I know that while obedience to God does impact

our lives in life-giving ways, 

it does not at all preclude suffering.

*

One thing I have noticed about this Lent in particular,

and it was the same for my sister-friend still in Ottawa,

and that was the number of deaths of people who were

either close to or family to people we love.

*

It seems it's almost been everyday for me lately,

either through my blog friendships, church family, my 

biological family or extended group of friends from the various

places I have lived.

*

I also have friends who have severely sick friends or family

or sudden job loss.

*

This past week alone 3 new people, two very sudden and tragic 

died; family of friends of mine, each of them.

*

If you count since January Christmas, the number of people 

who have died is nearing 15 souls or so;

those who died were all individuals who were close to 

someone who I know in person or who

 I either read a blog regularly to the

point that I think of the person as a blog friend;

all of the ones who died were extremely significant

 in the lives of my friends.

*

It's been heavy that way.

*

That's why I blogged the poem last Friday.

It just seemed like the only thing I could do,

other then light many candles at home and seek to pray.

*

Well, we go through many sufferings in life;

all I know and see is that God wants to be with us

in the middle of our lives and with us in the pain that we 

carry with us and the suffering we do go through.

*

May God have mercy on us and carry us through Holy Week

and to His Most Holy Pascha.

{reflections} What lies before us

I've been listening to 

Ancient Faith Radio for years now.

I still remember when it was fairly new

and I would listen to it from my small blue studio apartment in 

Ottawa Ontario... 

*

Blogging was pretty new and my church

in BC, that at point I had left only a year before,

had a blog with various members blogging

and we would interact that way,

it was a real blessing as I 

had just been in London Ontario 

for one year that while very good was

hard in terms of being in a culture I was not familiar

and was dealing with various levels of loneliness.

*

I was really not sure, back then in London Ontario, where I fit in 

Orthodoxy; everything was still very new,

I was getting the now defunct magazine

The Handmaiden, 

was aware of having more head knowledge than heart,

though I would not of known how to articulate that then.

The stories of the Saints, esp. the martyrs 

were still very new to me and at times very hard to read;

how and why did people kill Christians like that!?

I had been a Christian all my life,

but no one had ever introduced me to the stories

of the early martyrs....

*

I re-read my two Kathleen Norris books a lot

during that time,

Cloister Walk and Amazing Grace: a Vocabulary of Faith.

These books gave me a lot of solace while I was in London Ontario...

I was attending a church

that was in the middle of a lot of growth 

and clergy changes; I felt lost and alone a lot of the time.

I had (and have!) a wonderful godmother

but I was in a new city, hours from her and everyone I knew

both in BC and Michigan.

*

I don't think I ever wrote much here

about that time in my life,

but at the time I was incredibly exhausted and confused.

I went to Ottawa not knowing what was what.

Well, my priest in Ottawa basically loved me back to health

as it were. 

I was able to sort myself out, 

made new friends, started this blog 

and worked on creating a life for myself in Ottawa.

*

Fast forward a few years and I was working in Ottawa

at a job that was not working on many levels.

I listened to Ancient Faith Radio a lot that year.

And I loved Fr. Thomas Hopko's podcasts.

*

The summer before that job started,

I had broken my foot and was quite unwell

from an additional infection in the foot that happened 

and the antibiotics for that infection were

wreaking havoc on my system.

Whew, what a time!

But it was during that summer that I heard Fr. Thomas Hopko speak.

*

Wow, he was a powerful speaker.

Full of energy, life and enthusiasm. 

He had a lot of ideas on how he would do things

different and a lot of perspective on years of living

and service in the church.

*

I still remember him talking to my Ottawa priest

who had been his student; those years

when Fr. Thomas taught at St. Vlads seemed like the 

golden years to me and perhaps to others

who heard about them secondhand

and I do wonder what we have now before us.

*

The day I mentioned last week of Fr. Thomas'

55 maxims, is the day he passed away.

*

Well, now it is for a quick moment it is the present,

March 24, 2015 and Fr. Thomas Hopko was buried

yesterday at Holy Transfiguration Monastery,

which is the monastery that the one I go to in Michigan,

Holy Dormition Monastery, 

is from.  I have not yet had the privilege of being at

Holy Transfiguration Monastery but do hope to one day.

*

The candle desk man at our local NJ church is in his 80s 

and over the weekend, when we were talking

about Fr. Thomas Hopko's death,

he said that many years before he would go to 

Lenten Lectures where both Fr. Thomas Hopko and

Fr. Alexander Schmemann would give lectures.

He called them both stalwarts of the church...

*

It seems that slowly an era of people are passing by us.

I find this hard - I feel like the generation that I am either

in or close to is nothing like those who are leaving us;

who will show us the way and have such courage?

We are in such a new place as a culture and 

need wisdom like never before...

*

Well.  I was talking to my sister-friend this weekend

about an article I read about Fr. John (Krestiankin) who is featured in  

the beginning of the much-loved book Everyday Saints 

and I told her about reading this quotation:

“I went to the elder when I had to decide some important life’s questions. Just like on a road, I had reached a fork and didn’t know which way to go. And the elder showed me the way. Once I asked him, ‘What will we do when we are left without you? To whom should we turn?’ Fr. John replied, “Have faith in God’s Providence.” Yes, this is now our path. The Lord took our spiritual Moses to Heaven, and now we have to walk by ourselves.  (found here) 

 * 

I am thankful for the podcasts we can listen to 

on Ancient Faith Radio and that we have 

recordings to turn back to.

*

And more than this,

we have a God who is full of mercy

and who promises to never leave us...  

In Ottawa at my dear friend's house: reflections

Just a note that I made it here safely

and am at my friend's home!

They are my home away from home here in Ottawa

and are such lovely hosts.

*

I am reading some great books

and doing the restore workshop again this year, and more

in depth as last year at this time we were in the middle of new home hunting...

*

This week is going to be a great one for thinking about 

how things are going for me and

figuring out what can be done to make things better...

I read (one the plane) Elizabeth Foss' essay on burnout that she published for her workshop.

It's really good and giving me a lot to ponder.

*

I am also reading a book we recently got for our personal library:

Saint Arsenios the Cappadocian by Elder Saint Paisos.

One thing I noticed in the book is how St. Arsenios took

Wednesday and Friday as 'retreat days' where he stayed in his cell

and prayed and did not, in general, see people.

*

I am doing a lot of focused thinking and, as I can, praying,

on what it means to love God and others first but also

be responsible for the level one is at;

I talked to a monastic once who, when she heard of 

a situation, suggested a certain way to help another that someone I knew

could do.  But I realized, knowing the person, that

it was not possible and the monastic said:

part of humility is knowing one's limits.

*

So I am in a real place of reflection on this.

*

An unexpected part of the first week of Lent.

Tomorrow the errands DV get done (and haircut!) and

I will be at my Ottawa parish for the third part of

the Canon of St. Andrew of Crete.

*

Before I left this morning I put sticky notes 

all over our home for Mr. Husband to read.

*

When we are apart we text/chat/email/call and he knows

my schedule while I am here and has stayed in Ottawa

with me at our friends house where I am so

it's easier to feel not as separated.

*

I am so very thankful for my husband

and that it is Great Lent and that after Lent comes

Christ's Holy Pascha!

May God carry us there!

*

{Note, this post was written a week prior but while I want to share 

at times personal reflections, I also know that I need some time

at times to digest things and thus schedule my posts 

to give me what is needed, etc}

Unforeseen Reflections

I am in the middle of the book by 

Madeline L'Engle, Two-Part Invention,

where her husband is sick with cancer and she writes

how while she wishes with a friend that they could just

take the suffering away,

and then they realize that they must not do this,

as it would also take away human freedom.

*

And then I listened with new ears to my husband 

reading the story in the Gospel of the Crucifixion of Christ

and I realized in a new way how Christ choose to suffer for us

and had to suffer for us and that just like

Madeleine's husband had to suffer through the cancer

alone, so Christ had to be crucified and feel that aloneness,

that suffering on the Cross,

where He kept loving and forgiving others. 

And I had to hear and as it were watch Christ suffer

and could not 'fix' it, had to have Christ die so that we could live.

*

It's given me a lot to think about

in terms of accepting the lives I see around me,

that while I can care and certainly pray,

I can't and must not even think of trying to 'fix' 

what I see... 

it that makes sense.

*

It seems somehow to be about respecting whatever

God is allowing, respecting the freedom and calling of others,

and allowing absolute freedom to choose what life and even suffering

that a person lives with.

*

Of course I don't mean in this to condone or ignore abuse or something of this nature,

but that a lot of suffering in the world is simply 

not mine to solve as it were, much less understand...

and I realize also that I am not someone that can solve things

or be that which can support such suffering; 

each one of us has a journey that is often

undecipherable and that we must just be focused

on the mercy of God

and keep asking for this mercy..

Leaving Lake MI

 Mr. Husband and I had a longish family meeting 

on our last full day of our family reunion; 

our life at home is very busy and 

there are things we are constantly behind on; 

it's a reality of the things, not a complaint.

But we are trying to plan how to make

things work better, not knowing what 

may be thrown our way;

two years ago the huge unexpected was me having mono;

this past year it was our move;

both took a lot of time to 'recover' from and were out of our control.

That's the nature of how this life is,

we make plans but plans often change and there's nothing we can do about it.

Yet, planning is good as far as it can be;

for trying at least to see what we want to do, what priorities

we have, what we hope to spend our lives doing or becoming.

Yet I think of a friend who had so many resolutions and 

the unexpected happens ~ like all the kids getting really sick or some other

sorrow that life has within it.

*

The most important thing it seems though is to 

pray and seek to have a realistic prayer time that we do 

on a consistent basis.

*

I remember one of my roommates in undergrad who did very well academically

saying that the only thing in the day that really matters is 

if we spent time with God that day.

*

I think we can add to this only on thing:

did we love those we were given to love within this day.

Love of God and love of others

is really the only two things 

we must resolve to do...

{Our Time on Lake Michigan} ~ Planning, routines and reality

Photo from walk with Mr. Husband on a calm

beautiful day...

Photo taken on walk when the winds were 

high and Mr. Husband and I braved them

to see the lake's waves....

*

Many of you know that

Mr. Husband and I are planners.

We also know that plans change

quickly and that things are often out of our control.

But still, we believe in planning and are 

wired that way.

*

One of the things I am working on

is a schedule that will at once help me build a routine

and at the same time not be constricting,

which is a balance that is still being worked on.

*

Here's what this part of the meeting came up with...

Monday: rest 

(ironically this day often includes laundry and other tasks

but the focus is rest as the weekends are esp. draining for me;
I often do a lot of blogging this day).

Tuesday: day out 

(errands outside the home, visits, outside volunteering etc.)

Wednesday: paperwork afternoon

Mr. Husband at home, afternoon for me dedicated to family

paperwork tasks. This is called 'love in action' ;)

Thursday: time outside the home

visits with church family and friends, errands, etc.

Friday: church work

Sunday School and Church Bookstore tasks

*
Saturday and Sunday are spent doing things
as a family, around the house, going to vespers or vigil
Saturday night and Sunday liturgy and Sunday school,
with 1+ hour drive both way.
If we are lucky, we get a nap Sunday late afternoon...
*
I am in week one of trying to do the new schedule.
*
The week and schedule are pretty much off-kilter already,
with the car not starting yesterday equaling grocery shopping not done,
going to the mechanic the next day and still needing
shopping...
*
I think the only thing I can do about this schedule
is say that these are goals of when I wish things could happen
and that reality and life often means a total shift
in schedule...

Things I have learned since our wedding... {year two}

You can never say "I love you" enough.

Reading Books out loud, together, is one of our favourite things.

Laughter, kindness and teasing is part of building love and

creating a life together.

"Forgive me a sinner" or "I apologize"

are an important part of a healthy marriage's 

vocabulary.

I am aware that our marriage is still young

and that we will continue to mature...

But even young things can be sweet...

Loyalty, trust and commitment. 

Sharing is essential. 

Giving together often gives part of the glue

of staying together. 

*

I am so grateful.

*

(photos by bryan and mae)

Greatful for my time in Ottawa while sick with a cold in NJ

Last week I felt that I was coming down with a cold.

I took lots of vitamins and seemed better.... 

but this week, 

with plumbers coming back and other random things,

including not sleeping well,

I was not able to get the rest I needed

and now have a flourishing head cold.

*

Please pray for me.

I thought I was going to have my 'meet & greet' for

the Sunday School year this Sunday 

and now I don't even know if I will be able to go to

church myself. 

Quite disappointing :(

yet I still hope I will be better by then!

*

Meanwhile,

I thought I would show a bit of things 

I stocked up on in Ottawa;

a new to me tea...

I have the Tetley 'warm' tea and am almost out...

I still have a hard time with the fact that I just can't go

to a grocer and get some things that are on the shelves

in Ottawa... but I must be thankful for what I do have

and that is a LOT and it includes this lovely tea:

More books.

When I saw this book (the red one) by  

Archimandrite Aimilianos of Simonopetra on Mount Athos

at the Monastery I began reading it in 

the monastery bookstore and found within it an 

essay on prayer. 

I was drawn into it and thus bought it.

Something I am learning about Orthodox life and Orthodox books:

I am no where near the state of prayer, holiness or goodness that

many (if not all) the books write on... but I can still read them.

The Orthodox church has at once one path to God (Jesus Christ) and

many ways to Christ, by which I mean each person

is so unique, including in their brokenness, that different 

advice is needed to help in their healing.

Within this I am learning there can be parts of essays, esp. those 

written to monastics, that I can't really do or even think of doing.

But I can be inspired by them to struggle according to 

my strength and abilities. 

I have not finished the essay on prayer yet

but was very moved by the image I found in it of needing

to pursue God with one's whole being and constantly 

call out to God.

*

I have met people and monastics who I see as 

holy, as far beyond where I am;

I find this to be a great encouragement that 

even though I can struggle with things in my life for years,

there are people who have struggled and gone on past the struggle

and have gained a holiness, a deep love for people

that shows me what I too want, 

even if feebly... 

the books are the same for me...

I got these two books from my Ottawa church bookstore.

They had been there for years and now that I am slowly

selling books at my NJ church, I realized that it would be hard

to get these books State side as it were as both books 

are from Greece and so they came home with me.

At this point in my life I can't say I will be at all

at the level of what these books talk about 

but I can still gain something and grow in 

understanding at least.

This one is by New Rome Press

and while it took a little bit of getting use to all the 

many quotations in it, it's really quite good.

I really like how despair is described and about 

our loving Heavenly Father.

I stocked up on some Ottawa treats...

Bridgehead tea (DV to be used in tea making for Christmas

again this year), an egg substitute for special baking during 

the fasts and my Fry's cocoa (even though it is not as good as 

in fair trade, it's also tradition and cheaper....and I use a lot of cocoa...)

and a granola that I would eat at times before I married and moved... 

Most specially, 

the white basket I bought for the fruit I had blessed

on the Feast of Transfiguration and 

candles from the Greek Monastery.

*

I love lighting candles at home for people and 

it is one of the few things I can do for others often.

And my Munchkin who stayed with me this summer

loved lighting them with me also...

*

And so while I have a cold and 

am quite fatigued from that, I can at least seek

to remember the many incredible blessings God has given me,

in my marriage to Mr. Husband, our home, my time in Ottawa

and the books and special things I wrote about here.

*

I do ask your prayers as I really wanted to do Sunday School 

this weekend and am just feeling down-for-the-count right now

and I would LOVE to hear what is going on for you today!

I know many of you have kids going back to school,

or are looking forward to the fall or maybe

are struggling with something, as it seems we often are. 

Do leave a comment and if I can light a candle for you today... 

God is with us and loves us and is merciful... 

{Our time in PEI} ~ Anne's Room (as it were)

A delightful sunlit room.

Of course this is a bit of theatre as Anne is a 

fictional character and the author's cousins lived in this house.

Nonetheless, it is a beautiful room,

and I love the light in it...

*

A book I got on the house Green Gables

alludes to how this room

has changed through the decades as different curators

have pictured it differently.

*

I found it a bit funny however that all the other rooms

clearly have beautiful chamber pots and this one

has none that I could see.

*

When one reads the book Anne of Green Gables

with love, the life and youthfulness of Anne,

the infectiousness of it all comes quickly.

*

It was lovely to see this room and think of 

how it points to a book that so many of us love.

~the flower of humility~

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!

*

Today is our moving day. Please pray for us!

*

My spiritual father early on, in Ottawa, told me that humility

is directly linked to self-knowledge.  

The more one truly sees oneself, the more they will be humble.  

I can see this a little more now; how when one realizes their own weaknesses, 

really sees them, they are less likely to be bothered by other’s weaknesses, 

especially when one sees that they are the same weakness that is in ourselves. 

I certainly have a long way to go in this, 

but even the little I see now of it is a true sweetness; 

it is the opposite though of being self-absorbed; 

humility leads to prayer, humility, a monastic told me once, 

is the other side of the coin of love.  

Really knowing oneself that leads to humility will always leave to love, 

never judgement of another.  And so it is with the sweet love that

only Christ can bring gives birth 

to the beautiful flower of humility into our lives.

~gentleness nourishes mercy, mercy gives flower to beautiful fruit in our lives~

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!

*

Cleo has started sleeping on the dining room table, 

though she knows she is not suppose to do so.  

She is ‘acting out’ a bit because of the disorder that our current home has become, 

with so many boxes everywhere.  

I just grab her gently by the scruff of the neck 

and tell her not to do so.  

Gentleness ultimately is what will get results, 

with Cleo a Cat but also with others and even with ourselves. 

~love and prayer~

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!
*

When I was newly married, I talked to a monastic about the change in my life in terms of prayer and routines.  I was used to a smaller prayer rule than my husband and was more likely to pray an Akathist to a Saint than do a longer same-everyday-prayer rule.  I was really struggling with the long written prayers that my husband was used to.  I was told to just not do as long of a written prayer rule.

I think it all has to do with love; if one does not have a love for a specific way in prayer that one is seeking to grow in…, one must not force it; better to find a way that one does love to pray and work with this; for me I am finding that if I try to read the Psalms as part of my prayer rule, this is helpful to me; the Psalter published by Holy Dormition Monastery is especially meaningful to me, as it has beginning prayers and different prayers after each Kathisma.  This means that there is some stability in prayer while still having different prayers each time.  

The point, it seems, is to pray, and to pray with love....  

~prayer, icons and God's mercy~

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!

*

When I was not yet a catechumen in the Orthodox church, I was living in Walnut Grove BC in a small studio that had a lovely gas fireplace, with small mantle.  I remember being at church there and seeing a few icons for sale.  I was a student and did not have much money and did not know really anything about icons.  I saw an icon of St. Xenia of Petersburg, who looked gaunt and unwell.  There was an icon I think of Christ as baby and He looked very well, as in round face, healthy.  I went to my Aunt J.’s that Christmas with my family and the icon of St. Xenia kept coming to my mind, even though I had wanted the icon that looked ‘healthy’ to me.  So with the ten dollars I was given by my Aunt H. for my birthday, I bought this icon of St. Xenia.  I had no idea what to do with it, so I just sat it on my gas fireplace mantle and looked at it.  I remember once I felt like I was falling inside the icon… I just kept looking at it, for varying lengths of time.  I told my Orthodox friend, P., that this is what I did and he just said that this sounded like a good start.

Sometimes I think it is just good to sit quietly and allow oneself to look at an icon and become present to it.  It is by being quiet and looking that we begin to realize that the icon and Saint depicted are indeed present to us, in God’s great mercy. 

how can one write on silence?

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!
*

I've been thinking for years now on a topic

that is seemingly impossible to write on:

silence.

Or, silence and what music I listen to now.

Or, how to be different than almost everyone and how

I don't want to silence conversation and freedom.

*

Well, here it is.

Years ago I think my Mom helped me drop off my luggage at the 

monastery in Michigan I go to,

when they still have all worship services in the chapel.

I had come towards the end of vespers

and I said goodbye to my Mom and Dad after

being properly ready, luggage in room, head covering on,

etc and so I entered the chapel just at the end of 

the vespers service,

when people were venerating the icons and leaving.

Adn I could hear it or sense it;

the silence.

*

The silence that comes from true or deep prayer.

*

Once, years later,

right in the middle of the really hard time I was having with 

bills, no job and health problems,

I was at a baptism at my church in Ottawa and
I had to step out to go downstairs; 

when I opened the door to come back,

I remember hearing that silence and realized

that deep prayer was going on and I had a pretty strong impression

of the prayerfulness of the new godfather as his

godson was being baptised.

*

That's really what I want,

what everyone wants in their soul;

that rest, that deep strong silence that is full of presence.

*

I know it comes from prayer, from deep prayer, from 

praying the Jesus Prayer,

from deep within.

*

Years ago a Bishop from overseas who was Romanian but serving in 

other country came to my church in Ottawa;

we all remember his gentleness and I asked his prayers 

through a dear Romanian friend and 

he told me that he would pray for my family

from deep in his heart,

and I knew where his gentleness and prayerful nature was.

*

So years before that I was confronted with a very painful time

in my life, a real grief that stunned me into a silence

that meant that I stopped listening to much of the popular music

I then listened to and I began listening to the 

then fairly new Ancient Faith Radio

and years later I briefly listened to some other music

but for the most part,

I now listen to Orthodox music, some classical and 

various Christmas music during the Nativity Season.

*

I wish I was what I am not yet because of this change.

*

I am so aware of being perhaps unusual in this

but I guess I wanted to write on why 

I see that this is part of my life now,

the change in my habits

of music/listening/silence.

*

But I also know that the silence I have heard a few times

I do not yet have myself.

Not at all.

*

But at least I know it is there, is real and 

that I can trust in God's mercy on me,

a straggler, one who struggles....