Well, what a Monday.
I talked to a friend very early in the day, a good conversation,
I am still pondering it.
Today things got cleaned.
I still have more laundry to do.
I still have more errands to do. Always to do.
And it was prefect, how the end mirrors the beginning.
And I want to read it again.
I found it a most encouraging insightful book.
I am enjoying these Journals too.
And that was probably the most peaceful part of today.
Rossi's book, towards the end, talks about ambiguity and the need to
living with a lot of not knowing.
I would say that is the hardest part of the whole unbloggable saga
we have been in, just so many levels of that.
Things are a bit better (but yet so many levels of uncertainty)
but I feel we have more supports in place that are helping us
deal with those layers of unknowing.
This sort of growth is hard and we are weary,
even if a bit more peaceful.
But I am finding that by looking for peaceful moments,
one is more likely to have them.
I am pondering Miss Read and Tasha Tudor.
I recently read Miss Read's Early Days and she talks
about focusing on the things of life that bring joy, a sense of peace
and well-being - for Miss Read nature was a big part of this
and it shows in her books, quiet, calm, ordered books,
full of characters with struggles, eccentricities and weakness,
and she loves them all.... this is one of the most remarkable things about
Miss Read, she just loves people and this pours out into her books,
as she loves those she creates in her novels.
Tasha Tudor does this too, this looking to nature and such
but I feel that Tasha was a bit more complicated and frankly,
based on what I have read about her childhood,
from her account and this one, that is rather a forthright telling of a complicated tale,
that her life had a lot of upheaval when she was young
and encouraged her to grasp for life on her own terms and the way she wanted.
I could not miss how she said two times in her Private World book that she
always got what she wanted. Yes, but I think she probably ignored the price
at which this cost her.
Anyway, the biggest thing I wanted to ponder and write about,
I who loved esp. the pictures in her Private World and much of what she had to say,
is that there is a difference between being unwilling to look at oneself,
as unknowable as one can be to oneself (I love that in Thrush Green
Miss Read has Agnes understanding her dear friend Dorothy better than
Dorothy understood herself) and completely will yourself
to never think of your failures or what has gone wrong in one's life.
I feel like Tasha Tudor blurred that line a bit too much
and it really caused a falling out with some of her children.
(I am talking about the line in her book about sometimes memories of
her failures comes to her but she immediately casts such thoughts away
and looks at the beauty of nature instead).
But she had such difficulties herself with her parents, such as they were
and I feel that many become, in part, the adults that they are, because they
can not fully face the possible pain/instability of their childhood
and it seems that Tasha's determination to look to what is beautiful and
in nature rather than think of her mistakes is in that line...but ... it is hard and I am not
writing this with a dislike towards Tasha, no, I love the tea she drank, I love the pictures in the
Private World; rather, merely, I refuse to do a hero worship that would keep me from
seeing her as a complicated person who had successes and failures in life
and that it is better to sort them out and accept her as she was but not
think that one must emulate everything about her.
In all of this, I am seeking to figure out the line between what it means to be
keep oneself in a peaceful state inwardly, which of course ultimately,
I believe only can come from God and from prayer, however,
I am also aware and pondering what it means to do, as Rossi recommends,
be in the present moment, to not allow oneself to worry about a future that one
does not know or control; what is the difference between a wrongful denial of
reality, a denial that is taking place because one wants to stay at peace, and the
rightful way of being that nurtures and sustains inward peace because one is not involving
themselves with things that are disturbing or out of one's control.
I am glad that my life is such that I can, at least for now,
cultivate a peaceful home, a quiet life and ponder such things.
I pray I always will have this but my biggest prayer is that
I will be saved and in God's will, however that comes to be.
ps: about the pictures above:
I am slowing knitting a boarder for a new many coloured blanket, joining all the
squares in this one as I go, a lovely way to do it, that had
been suggested to me via my blog some long time back.
Also I was putting away sugar I bought for baking and moved one of my
jars of corn starch and lo and behold, there was my missing 1 tbs spoon that was part
of the set I got as a wedding shower gift!
Very pleased to have this back!
pps: my system, physically, is a bit 'off' and I don't know why.
Stress? nerves? other? I won't write on it here more than this mention
but I would appreciate prayers nonetheless for a common aliment that is
cropping up too much for my liking. Prayers requested...