First Tuesday in Lent

Lent Day 2.

I managed to take a small walk and

went to our 1 local coffee shop... 

I got a tea to go, ginger...

I don't stay at the shop as the music

just does not work for me,

but it's a nice space in itself...

I got groceries delivered,

had a great talk on the phone,

made vegan vegetable broth, 

and I cooked up brown rice, and cooked

(seared) dry scallops for dinner,

these instructions helped a lot for this!

We went again to our local church for the 

Canon of St Andrew of Crete, part 2.

My Husband, who is still regaining his

strength from being ill, has a lot of work stress right now... 

more than he has ever hard, I think...

and the loss of Patrick and the work that he has to do in this regard...

It just feels like everything is piling up on him, on us

and it's really hard.

***

I wrote this to a friend the other day:

 It's been a real learning curve for me, like a new class: 

101 for Wives with Sick and Stressed Husbands ~ Survival Techniques and More! 

... but of course it is also this class, that I am re-enrolled in often:  

101,102 & 103: Trusting God in Troubled Waters and Remembering His Love 

and Almighty Arm that Shelters You. 

***

My Husband is trying his best to handle all of these things and 

I find him very valiant.  

***

Lord have mercy on us and save us!

Clean Monday

I love this icon so much, 

with the Lord's face looking out so beautifully

and with so much love.

***

A lot of cleaning was done at home today,

I now have piles of clean laundry to fold.

***

Mr. Husband was at work today.

He has a lot of work stress, please pray for him.

***

I made a green smoothie.

***

We went to church and this is where I saw this 

beautiful icon...

I often feel that our priest here, locally, loves Lent over

any other time and it is wonderful, this first week of Lent,

and going to the Canon of St Andrew of Crete.

I am so grateful to be given another Lent.

***

This is my 5th Lent here already in New Jersey.

How fast time goes by.

I can see how much more settled I am now,

I am not a newly married woman now, just having left her

beloved Ottawa.... I still miss Ottawa of course, this is not 

questioned, but I have enough years here to have a

sense of rhythm of the church year here,

of going to the Canon here and knowing what to expect,

what the choir sounds like here (beautiful) and I feel more

settled, I no longer think with as much pain about how my life in Ottawa

was or what the church services there are like; 

now it is more that what my Husband's spiritual father said is true:

I was not leaving my church family in Ottawa,

I was merely expanding my church family... 

***

We are in the midst of the biggest challenges we have faced as a married 

couple, to this point anyway, and while it is hard at times,

I am also feeling a gladness in the midst of it,

and for this I am so grateful....

***

I have begun writing a longer essay about something I am 

pondering about how God is our security and comfort...

For now, I will just say that my heart is being

comforted as I mourn

and ponder so many things... 

***

Dear Patrick, your life held so much beauty and now

we have the opportunity to have new spiritual beauty in our lives

because of your passing, because of the grief, 

because of seeing your life on earth in a whole,

and remembering the many wonderful years you had,

and the vibrancy by which you lived...

...blessings in sorrow...

After church liturgy and forgiveness vespers

for the beginning of Great Lent,

we saw pictures from years past, many of them

from before my time in NJ, of various ones

of our church and some really lovely ones of Patrick...

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow night that he 

departed this earth...

afterwards we needed to pick some things up

regarding Patrick as my Husband is involved

in his final affairs on this earth

and I saw his home for the first time since he

has passed on... 

by the time I knew Patrick and was visiting him,

he was already in his 80s and was losing a lot of his

strength and such... 

so today was the first time that I saw his house on a more

detailed level... it's such a beautiful home, with furniture

that is is from a more refined era and lots of beautiful icons and 

pictures of various historical things.

And of course I took pictures... the one above

is one I quickly took of some of his blessed candles from

a few years ago... and by it, I did not even realize,

was a postcard from Ottawa... that I am sure that we sent him...

I know we had some sent from my Husband and I... 

probably when we were on our honeymoon 

and I would know that postcard anywhere,

but I did not realize it was there so I will have to go 

back later and see it... but it was so beautiful to realize it was there...

While I was looking at Patrick's home, in such

warm sunlight,

I was called back down and was given a very special icon 

of St Herman... my first Orthodox church that I ever went to 

was dedicated to St. Herman and I went to a small church

in London Ontario that had this icon of St Herman

in the back of their church,

and I would always stand by it...

It was so special to me as St Herman was my first Saint

and very much my Father-Daddy-Saint, if I can say it that way.

I really felt his care like a father for me, a young woman of 

27 who still had so much growing to do, young despite her years,

and I was a student back then and I don't believe I had an icon of St Herman 

until I was living in Ottawa, after I left London Ontario.... I was at 

a church dedicated to St Nicholas after my time at St Herman's and their

iconography was still progressing and they did not, at the time,

have an icon at all in the church of St. Herman,

and I missed seeing his icon so much... I had a small

paper drawing icon of him at home, but that was all....

so having the icon at church in London Ontario was deeply meaningful to me.

I knew St Herman to be my protector, even though there was so much I did

not understand yet, at that point....

I would just stand by this icon of St Herman and be aware of him,

as if I was standing right next to him... 

when I would walk back from the bus after 10 at night

in the wintertime in London Ontario, in 

the dark snow filled night, I would have to walk by

a more unlit dodgy feeling street, I think it had a bar and I always

felt a bit unsafe, but I would do 2 things, since I really had to walk that way home

and I used the computers at school for my work...

first I would have my keys out as the only thing I knew

to tangibly protect myself, but the other thing was that I would

think of St Herman and would just think about him and think about

him walking right next to me, that I would hold his hand all the way home...

not that I would think or imagine this in detail, but that somehow I was doing this,

just thinking about him as my protector and that I would get home safe.

Well, today this icon came home with me,

13 years later... it was one that Patrick had on the inside wall

of his breezeway and it was given to me...so

unexpectedly, I nearly started bawling...

(I had already had a few tears when seeing Patrick's house,

I learned to cry, really, when I lived in Ottawa,

but that's another story)...

and so it is here by my lampada on my buffet,

by the lampada that I started having lit all the time there

for Patrick when he suddenly took to being very ill... 

This icon is such a deep treasure for me,

something that is a deep blessing and I feel that

it is a great blessing to have this at the beginning of 

Great Lent this year...

it gives me hope, it gives me courage

and so Lent begins and for this,

I join others in thanking God.... 

Two enjoyable books of culinary changes and delights

I enjoyed reading both Provence 1970 and My Life in France by Julia Child.  Child's book is published in 2006, two years after her death.  It's a lovely retelling of her life with her husband Paul as they lived in France (and then Germany, Norway and then back in the States, in the Boston (Cambridge) area).  

It recounts many wonderful meals, and even more tells the story of how Child went from being a self-confessed horrible cook to becoming a great and even famous one.  I really appreciate Child's candor, her honesty about who she was when she was young, what she had to learn and how she learned French cooking and baking.  Her and her husband Paul's natural love of other peoples (they met in Ceylon, courted in China and married in the States) and an appreciation for other cultures and their food is deeply beautiful and something to treasure and strive to emulate.  To love another one must have an openness to the place and persons; to see what one can learn from being there.  Child clearly loved France in a very deep manner, the people, the markets, the food... yet she is able to tell you what she loved in Germany and then Norway.  It's quite remarkable to have such a good outlook and attitude towards other places and people.  

I also appreciated her loss and frustration with those, sadly including her father, who were incurious and unwilling to engage in ideas past what they believed to be true and were comfortable with.  While on many levels my outlook on life is different than Child's, I can keenly appreciate her wish for people to be well-read and open to listening to others.  I  believe it is possible to engage in the work of dialogue, exchanging ideas and having friendships with people who have different outlooks than oneself.  

Of course, if the expectation to be open and listen to the other really was an expectation of one to change their ideas to match the one they are exchanging ideas with, then I would say this is not only an unfair expectation but sets up an underlying unwillingness to listen and understand another's view while not needing to change one's own.  That one can do this balance is something sadly lost in our culture today in many areas.  

Thankfully Child seems to be a very warm person and one that could hold a conversation with many. 

The book Provence 1970 is a lovely read, though I would say that Child's is better by virtue of being an autobiography that tells the story of Child's life, not a story about an idea of the change in "American Taste" that focuses more on the idea than the full life stories of the authors Barr discusses.  

Provence 1970 has a lot to recommend itself: very readable, weaving in MFK Fisher, Julia Child, Simone Beck, James Beard and Richard Olney, with smaller mentions of Elizabeth David in London.  In other words, many of the culinary greats at the time.  Barr, the great-nephew of MFK Fisher had the fortune of using his Great Aunt MFK Fisher's personal papers to better understand how both Fisher and Child were changing, expanding their scope of culinary expertise and writing to be beyond France and the less tenuous fixed rules of French cuisine.

 

While I have books by MFK Fisher, Elizabeth David and Julia Child, I had not read deeply on the culinary history of that time period.  Barr's book is a delight on this front, as he is very adept at storytelling.  I have a better sense of the changes that were happening during this time; I find that social history is a tale told in many ways and culinary history is one. Fascinating! 

Barr's writings on how these writers were introducing and influencing cooking and restaurants is excellently written.  I saw clearly how cooking became more of an art form, how much of what we take for granted now (good bread and how to bake it, seasonal cooking, farm-to-table and so much more) began because of Child, Fisher, Beard, Olney,

There are, I find, two weakness in Barr's book, however much I can recommend it.  First, I found his emphasis on the sensuous in Fisher's personal life and writing, distracting and a bit disappointing.  It is not that Fisher was not a great artist in words, no.  My disappointment is in her being yet another artist with whom there were many lovers. While may would not think anything of this, I still find it shocking how there is so little register of what this lifestyle means in terms of individual's lives and societal change and decline. However, Fisher clearly has the second (or perhaps third part, her last) part of her life in seclusion and solitary, this part of her life appears to have changed, while her love and writing of food continues.   

I appreciated very much Barr's writing of his Great-Aunt's struggle with seclusion and that to turn too much inwardly is disastrous, even for an introvert.  It's a real struggle that Fisher seems to realize and act upon to counteract (by being in social settings, even when alone).  If found this to be very wise and perhaps a more mature Fisher is seen here.  I love how this happens - when you see an author suddenly grow; I remember reading Anne Morrow Lindbergh's dairy and seeing quite vividly an inward maturity suddenly blossom.  

The second weakness is that his premise, of how both Fisher and Child, by and in 1970, are finding themselves in a different space, wanting to be more inclusive, inventive and open to cooking methods and cuisine of countries other than France.  I feel that he is trying to paint a picture of some great 'liberation' that is found for them, being free from France's culinary rules and able to appreciate American cooking, in all of it's diversity. That suddenly they are free to explore both curries and sea-food chowders.  I do not deny the truth of this premise, in that surely both Child and Fisher did move on to explore more than French cooking, with these precise French rules. However, I find that Barr not only repeats this premise unduly (some editing could of helped there) but in pushing his premise, he not only has to do some quick 'turn-arounds' in the story but is not telling the full story.  Nor did he acknowledge, I felt, that Child still felt deeply (spiritually) attune with France; she did move on to include more than French cooking but her love of France never dissipates.   In short, his premise is, in part, something of an ill-fitting box to tell the story of Child's life, in particular.  Child, as she records herself, had to move on from professionally collaborating with Simone Beck whose deep cultural roots kept her from understanding how to translate French cooking into an American landscape.  However, I got the impression from Barr that Child broke off completely with Simone until Barr himself mentions how Child's France house is neighbouring Simone's and on Simone's family property. It is clear from Child's book that she remained very loyal to Simone and cared about her as a dear friend, even when it was clear that they could no longer professionally collaborate.  

I experienced an similar surprise when you realize that the new cook, described in Barr's book, Richard Olney, is not someone who fails miserably at publishing cookbooks or never becomes an established recognizable cook, bringing about great influence in seasonal cooking.  To Barr's credit, he shows very well the changes in Olney and shows Olney's personal journal and maturing. 

The newly republished The Spice Cookbook, first published in 1964, which discusses many dishes from around the world, tells me that the story I am hearing from Barr is incomplete.  It is true that Child and Fisher had an enormousness influence on American cooking, but this book demonstrates that the interest in other ethnic cuisine just a few years after Volume One of Mastering the Art of French Cooking is published.  Thus, while the personal individual journeys of both Fisher and Child changed after 1970, the change they helped usher in, with a greater fullness, began well before.  (Though one cannot compare the vast influence of Child's books and legacy with the more unknown 1964 Spice Cookbook!). 

All this to say, Barr's book was still a delight to read and brought me quickly to read Child's autobiography and to dust off my cookbooks to reexamine them!  Barr's telling of culinary history is engaging, informing and gets to the roots and influences of so much of today's enjoyable culinary landscape - ones that we would be desolate without.

Salmon Recipe...

Finally,

I am remembering to put my salmon recipe that I have had

handwritten since about 2003...

***

Now I just have to get the timing down for baking;

I think the salmon I would have when I lived in Canada was all one

thickness and the type I get now is not uniform in thickness so I have a harder

time not over-baking it... 

***

Soon it will be Great Lent, 

meanwhile, I am enjoying such treats such as this + milk in my tea!

(Also, I usually do this recipe with salt, pepper and oil, not butter!)

Making Room for Lent

Today, for me, was a bit of a whirlwind.

I baked so much last week,

my house was in a bit of shambles.

I don't regret the work I did, and it was a

lot of work... it was a blessing to do...

but it meant that my Christmas ornaments were in boxes

but not yet in closet and my kitchen was a bit upended, with so many

platters, tart + spring form pans, 9x13 cake pans, all needed to be

washed and put away... 

I reorganized part of our walk-in closet, everything is much saner now,

laundry is almost caught up.

And I got my Lenten icons out and put the Christmas icons away.

I did a new arrangement of icons on the second buffet we have, and I am 

really pleased with them... 

warm and comfort, as if standing by this makes me feel like 

the dearest of friends who protect are right there by me...

I am really hoping to get back in a better reading-prayer schedule again.

It's been pretty impossible to do, with Mr Husband and I's illness,

helping Mr Husband for 5 weeks, then +Patrick's quick decline and 

falling asleep in the Lord.

It was so quick; we are still reeling from it; my Husband is one of 

the main people to help in the aftermath of Patrick's passing,

we are thinking of him a lot and praying... 

***

It's funny, I did not feel ready to give up meat for Lent yet,

yesterday but now it seems OK and I feel more ready.

Easing into it with this being Butterweek...

one more week of milk in my tea!

***

I am hoping that this Lent will at least be one of physical health

and that I can work on regaining what I had lost...

***

Well, one day at a time.

And as the Lord's Prayer/Our Father says:

Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

***

We may never know how times of sickness and trial are 

putting into us not only a grain of spiritual health but the ability to

handle life that will be ours to live through later. 

***

Lord have mercy on us! 

+Patrick's funeral and Mercy Meal

I told Mr Husband that +Patrick timed things perfectly:

Funeral Liturgy for Soul Saturday

(a day we pray esp for the departed world wide in

all Orthodox Churches)...

Psalter Reading, then the 6th and 9th hour,

then Liturgy, then the Funeral service,

then the Burial, then the Mercy Meal.

***

The Roses at the funeral were incredibly beautiful...

the icons of St. Patrick (one given by dear friends of Patrick

a few Christmases ago) and St. George from Patrick's icon corner,

were so wonderful to see throughout the service...

***

I am not going into detail about it here, but the Orthodox

Funeral Services, to me, are the most healing,

the most freeing, the most natural way to deal with what

is most unnatural - that a person with an immortal soul dies and 

is put back into the earth he/she came from.

***

I have personally been deeply healed from unresolved grief of 

20 years by having a memorial service done, years ago,

for my dear childhood friend Timothy Mark.

Hard to believe that this summer will be his 30th year since

we lost him on this side of Heaven.

***

It was so wonderful to be at +Patrick's funeral today.

I am deeply grateful to the Lord that He gave me

the strength and health to bake for the

Mercy Meal.

I was able to give the 8 mini-loaves of

Cranberry Orange Cake away in memory of +Patrick

and had good amount leftover that DV will be used 

for the church coffee hour after liturgy tomorrow,

Sunday... 

***

Mr Husband printed the icons of St George and St Patrick for 

dear friends of Patrick and myself...

and let me buy (and pointed out to me!) tins of tea as a 

comfort to them and to me as we grieve...

***

We took a cab to the funeral and from the mercy meal -

they were at different places... 

My Husband is still on the weak side of recovering 

and it was over an hour drive each way.

We had really nice cab drivers....

We ate simple food for dinner,

including Pascha bread from last Pascha,

which somehow seemed deeply fitting,

as the true resolution and healing of all pain and loss is found

in the Lord's Holy Pascha.