Family, Grief and prayer requests

This was our family Christmas tree this year;

we did not have time or the energy to put up

our tall tree this year;

we did the presents for Christmas and our Christmas dinner

early since my sister and bro-in-law

are leaving tomorrow...

we had our early Christmas dinner Sunday night.

It was a fish day for me so we all had

really nice salmon for dinner.

My sister and bro-in-law leave tomorrow

for Romania.

I will miss them...

*

Today was a bit of a 'recovery' day for me as last week

was so intense with grief, traveling, family gatherings

and a 10 hour work day on Friday

to submit the proposal...

and we had not gotten home until 1 AM Friday morning

from Brampton so it really was a very

great effort the next day.

My family helped or I would of not even made it...

*

I had a hard day today;

getting back to things and not having a lot of energy.

I hope tomorrow is better and am taking things

one moment at a time.

*

Asking your prayers for Noah as he had to have a

painful procedure done today

and also for Jan, the Mother-in-law of Katherine who

many of us in the blog world have known

and loved for years;

my heart was heavy to read that Jan had fallen

broken her hip and was struggling,

esp. as this is what happened to my Oma just

days ago...

*

I am thinking that I need to read some things on grief;

in our fallen world all die;

my Oma was 20 days from being 103 years old;

but as my spiritual father has said many times,

no matter how old the loved one is when

they die, they still die too young.

I wear the scarf my Oma had just knitted and mittens

that she knitted a year or so ago.

At some point I will do a service for her at my church;

I have prayed the Akathist to the Lord for the departed;

but I still feel like there should be something

more I can do, somehow...

I hope in time to be able to do so.

For now all I can say is that

I still miss my Oma...

Home

I am home

back from Michigan

from my Oma.

*

Read this post -

and saw this youtube video - Advent Conspiracy

and I think of all those who do not have

what I have.

A warm place to live;

excess food;

a loving family

even the gift of seeing my Oma one last time

and being able to go to her funeral and

see my family

lots of family

since my Mom is the youngest of 8 children

and then we did a small Christmas exchange;

small as we don't spend big money at Christmas;

we re-gift, get things a thrift stores and

give small gifts like a box or two of tea

but still.

When I think of those for often

sad inexplicable horrible

reasons

are without family

without warmth

without Omas to knit a last scarf

without homes

and I wonder so many things;

how to prioritize my life

how I can job search

and all the rest but still

remember what the main things are:

The Holy Trinity

Worship

Repentance

Mercy

those who are in need...

It's not simple

but yet it is simple;

to learn to not be self-absorbed;

to repent

to learn to love

to look to Christ.

Lord help us.

Friday in Michigan

Today I worked for over ten hours

to finish up the proposal

for the contract

that I found out about two weeks ago.

It was due today and

given the week I had

today was a bit of a scramble to get it done.

Thankfully I had help

and it is now submitted.

*

My family all made it home safely.

*

Tomorrow I have a ride to vespers and the next day

to Sunday liturgy.

*

Sunday night my family will do a quiet

Christmas time

and I fly out early Monday morning.

*

I have a lot more to process but

will have to do that when I return to Ottawa,

God willing,

on Monday.

*

Your love and support over this time has

been a great source of solace.

Thank you.

*

God is with us.

Back from Brampton

Flowers for the family for sympathy.

We were given flowers to put on the casket.

This was mine until one of my cousin's

little girls asked if she could trade with

me and so I did

and had a red tulip instead.

Very Dutch, tulips.

It will take a while for all this to sink in.

That I said goodbye to my Oma.

That my life will never be the same.

That I have gone from having my Oma

for almost 35 years

of my life

to the rest of my years on earth without her.

*

I am so glad I am Orthodox and know that

even now spiritually I am not disconnected from her

and that in Christ I am with her

and in church I will be as near to her and to heaven

as I can be.

I can't wait to have a panakhyda for her at my church

back in Ottawa.

I have prayed Akathists for her

and this has been very consoling.

*

Without this I don't know how one could really

have the comfort one needs in this time.

*

I miss my Oma.

Onward but never alone

I was at liturgy at the monastery for

St. Nicholas Day.

This was a blessing.

*

I was aware of feeling really sad as my

Oma has died,

passed on from life to life...

*

I go with family to Brampton today

visitation tonight

and funeral tomorrow afternoon

and then a long drive back.

*

Thank you all for your prayers

and love and encouragement

in this.

*

Grief is always sudden, unexpected

and a hard road to navigate.

Thank God that we do not go the road alone.

Loss in the beginning of the Holidays

My Oma just in the days before she fell

finished 7 scarves;

one for my Mom, one for my Aunt,

one each for two of my cousins

and one for me and one for my sister.

My Mom gave me my scarf from Oma

yesterday; one last gift.

*

It's hard to imagine that she is really gone.

She was such a strong woman.

And a woman who loved God and her family.

*

Found out tonight that

one of my sister's friends

her age,

just died of cancer.

*

So much loss and so quickly.

*

My parents and others go tomorrow to Brampton.

Others of us,

including myself,

go Wednesday.

Visitation Wednesday night.

Funeral service and burial Thursday.

Will return late Thursday night.

*

My proposal for the 3 month contract is due Friday.

For new calendar

St. Nicholas Day

I have a ride to the monastery and

need to go there more than ever.

*

I can't tell you how amazed my family is by

the timing of everything with my Oma's death.

How even the days my sister and brother-in-law

have for family are the ones

that are when we will be going to Brampton.

God's mercy is very abundant in the midst of all this.

*

Please pray for us and also my sister Rebecca

as to lose a friend who is still young

and one's Oma in the same

week

is very hard.

*

Yet God is with us all

and promises to never leave or abandon us.

My Beloved Oma: Memory Eternal!

(above pictures from the Holland Christian Home

where my Oma lived).

From an email I just wrote:

My Oma survived surgery and

then last night at 2 AM she was checked by the nurse and was fine.

When my Oma was checked at 4 AM,

she was found passed away to life eternal.

I write with tears but with trust in

God's mercy for my Oma and

that my Oma is no longer suffering.
I am home (as already planned by God's mercy)

with my family in Michigan.

We got the phone call at 7 AM this morning.

Please keep us in your prayers -

My Oma was 102 years old, to be 103 December 24th.

We praise God that we all got to see her before this happened.

It was such a nice time.

We are really going to miss my Oma;

she was so strong and always there loving her family,

knitting and cooking for us.

For my dear Orthodox friends,

please also remember my Oma Grace as newly departed.

May God remember my Oma in His Kingdom

and have mercy on us all!

Memory Eternal, Memory Eternal, Memory Eternal!

Early Sunday Morning

No news on my Oma yet.

I got more explanation today though;

now what I understand is that

yesterday they were seeking to get her up

and standing;

I think the FB cousin updates were

a bit misleading;

anyway.

She is still in the hospital and the things they are

watching for right now are

blood clots and/or pneumonia as both

are real dangers for the elderly

who have had this surgery.

Please keep my Oma in your prayers

if and as you can;

it will be a long road to recovery

if that is what the Lord wills.

*

It is good to be home.

Oma is okay!

Cousin let me know via FB

that my Oma

made it through surgery

and they even said she could walk tomorrow.

Wow!

Thanking God and praying that this will be so...

Oma in surgery now

My Oma is having surgery now

Friday evening.

Asking your prayers.

Nativity Fast Day 5

Keeping up with numbers of the Nativity Fast

is proving hard;

so much going on right now.

*

No news on my Oma yet ...

don't know if she had surgery today;

with how health care in Ontario goes I am guessing

that if the surgery was not today

it may not be till Monday.

We are all inwardly standing still

waiting to see what will happen.

*

The two book in the picture above are

my Nativity reading for this year's

Nativity Fast/Lent.

*

I am almost totally packed for Michigan.

A friend from church is bringing me to the airport.

My Mom already had my future DV birthday presents

(I turn 35 DV Dec 29) and had wrapped them

so she brought them to Brampton so

that there will not be problems flying home

back to Ottawa

with them,

since now airports have the 'right' to unwrap gifts.

*

I am very blessed with all the love and support

from everyone.

Thank you.

*

Let's keep Noah and Mat. Anna in our prayers.

Lord help and comfort us all.

Update on my Beloved Oma

My Oma is going to have surgery

pins and a plate put in

to make her fractured hip better.

*

The surgery may be today.

It is still uncertain as to which day

the surgery will be.

*

Asking your prayers,

as a surgery when one is 102 years old

is quite an ordeal;

My Mom said there is also the danger of blood clots.

*

Thank you for your prayers.

Nativity Fast Day 4 and 5

Tree in my Oma's Complex.

Today my dear friend whose

young infant I am godmother to

and I and godbaby are going to have an early lunch.

I am going to pack for home

as I fly out tomorrow around noon,

God willing.

I am also going to try to work on my proposal.

I am very tired

but am trying to put one foot in front of the other

and trust God with everything.

Of course my Oma who is still in

hospital,

waiting further medical assessment

and on morphine

is on my mind.

Also Noah who continues to struggle

and our dear friend Mat. Anna

who lost her second baby to miscarriage this week.

May God be our ever refuge, shelter and

support.

Painful End to a Happy Journey

I had a great train ride out.

It was so wonderful to see my family;

it felt so normal;

it was hard to believe it had been a year

and three years since we all saw my Oma last time

(I have seen her since but not with my whole family).

I journaled in the Toronto Royal Bank Plaza

where I had a long lay over before taking a GO Train to Brampton.

I felt that I was on the cusp of a lot of newness in my life.

I felt that the familiar feeling and memories of going home

for Christmas,

and the fun times I had at home when I was on holiday from

my studies in my Undergraduate years,

which are now 8 years past,

were really gone but yet I could remember them like they

were yesterday.

It was like I was realizing in a new way

that I really was where I am now:

nearing 35 years old

parents nearing or over 60 years old

and about to see my Oma

who was getting more out of breath

at 102 years old.

*

It was so good to be back;

I thought I heard my Aunt's voice the minute I entered the 4 tall towered

apartment complex of Holland Christian Home

but no, it was just that I was hearing voices of

other older Dutch Canadians

and it sounded like home.

I love Ontario and the Dutch communities and pockets of

now older immigrants from Holland

many of who came after World War II,

like my Mother's family.

*

We visited with my Oma

and as my cousin and I were walking to her room,

we had such a nice talk and I felt so

very happy.

*

I showed my Oma lots of pictures on my computer

including pictures of me and my

new godson.

My other siblings showed her pictures as well

and I took pictures of them

showing the pictures.

My Oma did not want us to leave

but it was time for the nurses to get her ready for bed.

Earlier that day Oma had a really bad spell

where she was pale and really short of breath.

So we all said goodnight,

in Dutch, English and Romanian and kissed her goodnight.

*

We went back to my Aunt's apartment in the same

complex, a tower or two over

and my cousin's boy and she played songs for us

on the piano and guitar.

We talked and enjoyed being together,

remembering the past, talking about Oma,

eating a Dutch dessert and some Koek,

which is a Dutch spice bread.

*

Before we knew it 10 pm had come and I and others

went to bed,

my cousin and her boy had already left for home

an hour drive away

and I did my prayers and prepared for bed.

*

Then suddenly everything changed.

My Mom and her sister closest to her in age

(my Mom is the youngest of 8 children,

all living)

came into our room unexpectedly and

said that Oma had fallen,

she had gotten up out of bed after the nurses put her

in and she was on the ground for a little while before she was

found there, arms bleeding and

with what they thought was a broken hip.

*

I was in shock,

texted a friend, called another friend

and then did prayers, crying many tears as I know

that often when the elderly fall and break a hip

that they die soon after and

are usually never the same.

*

My Oma was already showing signs of really slowing down;

earlier that evening my Mom and others were talking

about when our Opa died and one of my Uncles

that my Oma was showing signs like

they were

in the sense of signs particular to her that were

not her usual self.

*

My family insisted that I not go to the hospital with my Oma

and that I should stay back and pray.

So I did, with tears.

They did not get back to the apartment until 4:30 AM

and Oma had 4 shots of morphine by that time

and was finally not in as much pain.

My Oma is of solid Dutch stock and very stoic.

Seeing her being wheeled out to the ambulance in

a state of deep physical pain

was very difficult.

*

My Dad took me to the train station today.

I was so brokenhearted to leave my Oma

and family.

But my Dad and others have to come home today

due to work obligations.

And I fly home on Saturday around noon DV

and have to come back.

Please pray for us

and for my Oma -

her name in English is Grace.

Continuing prayers needed

Am on a train to Brampton.

Saw on FB that Noah's line is exposed

and he may have to go out of town to a hospital.

Given his situation, this could be very serious.

Asking your prayers.

Nativity Fast Day 3

Akathist to the Protection of the Theotokos

O Chosen by the pre-eternal God,

Queen of heaven and earth higher than all creation,

who hast in days past entered praying

into the Church of the Blachernae we,

offering Thee with thanksgiving due veneration,

flee with faith and compunction under

Thy shining vestment for we lie in darkness.

And Thou who hast invincible power dost set us free

from every affliction that we may cry to Thee:

Rejoice, our Joy, protect us from every ill by Thy precious Veil.

Almost, Almost

Grey wet rainy day.

Almost going to Brampton, Almost going home to

Michigan.

Almost...

Writing rough draft of my proposal.

Feel like the steam has been exhausted out of me.

Lord help us all!

Have had all my candles lit all day.

Felt the day needed it.

Dreamt last night that a parishoner

whose 5 year anniversary of her repose

is tomorrow

came back to life

we were all in a big house

and there she was,

peaceful, talking to everyone

in turn...

We never do get over missing people.

I am just glad in this case that she died

a Christian and when we had her 5 year panakhyda

this past Sunday

and the memorial meal afterwards

it felt so much like no time had passed at all;

like I was back at the first meal for her;

even I dare say like somehow she was really present with us;

I was not the only one that felt this.

May God remember her in His Kingdom

and may we have the mercy to join her one day.

Continuing to pray for Noah.

Asking the Mother of God's help,

her intercessions,

her comfort.

Day 2 of the Nativity Fast

Soon early in the fast

I will be home.

I am really tired.

Cleaned this morning so that my house

will be clean when I return.

Soon home

with my family

beautiful dishes from three generations

some rest

but also more work

as the proposal I am working on is due

next week Friday

and I have miles and miles and miles

to go before I sleep...

Day 1 Nativity Fast 2011-2012

And so it begins;

the count down to Christmas

13 days ago or today

(Dec25/Jan 7).

I began reading Fr. Thomas Hopko's

Winter Pascha

see here for excerpts

and today was busy

researching for my proposal,

meeting my great job coach about it

and then coming home

calling my Mom

and finding out that somehow I or we or someone

had gotten their wires crossed as it were

and here I thought I was to go to Brampton to see my Oma

tomorrow and had my train ticket booked

accordingly

and was aghast to find out that my family was coming the day after

and only for one night and then

suddenly

I did not know if I was going to see my Oma with my family

but Via Rail

very kindly

changed my ticket to the next day.

WHEW.

Thank you God!

Thank you Via Rail for treating me like a human being

stuck in a jam with the wrong day booked for

the ticket!

So.

I go Wednesday

come back Thursday

work on my proposal on the train both ways

and on Friday

and I fly Saturday afternoon to Michigan.

(Expeida was not so kind and would not change my ticket

to accommodate the new situation I was in

but that too I trust is from God and is for a reason).

I talked with a friend on the phone tonight

about wanting to do the Holy Supper

Christmas Eve

again this year.

I love how Fr. Thomas Hopko explains

that Christmas is

considered a three-day Pascha;

I am looking forward to entering Church

God willing

Christmas Eve

wearing red and anticipating the coming of our Lord

born in Bethlehem.

O Christ,

Light of the World,

Come Quickly

We need You and Your Saving Hand;

Lord, Come and make haste to save us!

Nativity Fast

And so it is time to prepare our selves

open our hearts

to let Christ come in.

In the middle of rejoicing,

there is still often pain

in this life.

Kate and Jeff,

Noah's parents,

are with the medical team seeing that

Noah is in the last stages and they are

making funeral plans.

Please pray for Noah and his parents and siblings.

I was especially touched by Noah's parent's wish

for a good and beautiful cemetery to have Noah's

body laid to rest in.

Please pray that all this can be provided.

I am sure I am not the only one who

has been praying for Noah who has shed tears

about his pain and sudden rapid decline.

In the end as we turn our minds, eyes and hearts

toward Christ's birth,

we have to trust that Christ who was born to die for us

is involved today in our lives and that His love for us

and for children such as Noah

is very, very real.

Almost Sunday

The snow is pretty much gone now.

I hope it will come again soon! :)

*

I worked hard on an email to inquire about the

proposal I will be writing in hopes

of being chosen for the contract.

I am going to work really hard on this!

Of course with your prayers...

*

The Nativity Fast begins for us tomorrow

Old Calendar.

I am happy about this.

Actually I am looking forward to Lent already.

To standing again DV

with my spiritual father and many from my church

for the Canon of St. Andrew...

Meanwhile,

I must prepare myself for Nativity

and ask that I be made ready

for the coming of our Loving Lord and Saviour...

Beautiful Evening

A dear friend came for dinner and

we got Greek takeout and dined in.

I was really blessed by the company and conversation.

*

Of course Cleo was up to no good

and wanted my food.

Notice the pink IKEA plastic spray bottle in the first picture?

:)

It tells Cleo 'no' better than me

telling her :)

Cleo likes to be near by

esp. when she feels comfortable with my friends.

Which thankfully is usually the case.

I do like my little Cleo Cat.

Hope on a Grey - Sunset Is So Early - Friday

Really appreciated this post by Deb

and the news it brings...

truly an incredible event in Moscow

I...we... must remember that the main thing we are called to do

is to prayer.

To returning to Christ.

To repentance and asking God for the

grace of repentance.

Asking the Mother of God's intercessions

to her Son

our Lord Jesus Christ

when we struggle or feel afraid.

And to know that we are not alone

no matter how we may feel.

And that when we fail, fall into worry, doubt or

other thoughts that trip us up

and weigh us down,

that God is here waiting

and with God we can get up again,

no matter how many times it takes,

we can get up and be with Christ again.

Thursday in Canada - Thanksgiving in the States

Picture from yesterday's snow.

It is melting already.

Today in the States is Thanksgiving.

*

It is also St. Menas' Day.

*

And a year ago

November

I was hit with lots of things at once;

the first of 3 or 4 times I got the bad face rash;

the first time was the worst.

I got the unexpected tax bill.

I almost had to go to ER for the rash.

I did not know if I had enough money

outside of my small from a few years back

pension that is still

a year later

is in the bank.

It's not enough really to do much in old age other than

provide for my funeral and burial

but at least it is still in tact.

I have

(and still continue),

like so many,

gone a year now

without knowing if I would have enough for rent

1 to 3 months down the road.

*

I have had moments where I rested in God and in His provision

and many where I fell and freaked out,

to put it in the vernacular :)

*

I have seen God and the Saints rescue me time and time again.

Like when my apartment plans fell through

2 weeks before I had to move

and then suddenly I got the apartment I wanted

in the first place,

that I am still in now.

I did not know how much God was rescuing me until

I found out in late Winter that the apartment

I almost moved into

burnt down and the fire started in what would of been

my apartment with Cleo.

*

I've had God provide for me through unexpected ways

and suddenly giving me the job that I have worked on contract

in early Spring and in later Summer.

*

Through ways I could not foresee, control or predict,

God has provided for me,

food, shelter, friends and especially church family.

*

And I have been SO BLESSED throughout the years

with each of you.

You have encouraged me, prayed for me and loved me.

I have been showered with many blessings because

of your prayers and presence in my life.

*

A dear friend of mine told me about two months ago

that we go through many struggles in life

but our Christian friends help us through.

I really see this.

And I have seen how we have prayed for others as well.

Two years ago we prayed the Psalter for

Resa

who left us for heaven.

A year ago we prayed for Lucia

who the Lord took to Himself,

beautiful baby girl.

And this year we are praying for Noah

whose health continues to decline.

Noah is with his family this

Thanksgiving Day.

*

So in the end all this makes me think of

Fr. Stephen Freeman

who taught me through his blog

that God is good

no matter what tragedies, heartache, and struggles we go through.

God is good.

He loves us. He does not abandon or forsake us

no matter how alone we may feel.

It is thanksgiving

and on this day I again seek also to say

Thank You.

This Just In...

Doing my research and found a

contract that is open for applicants

and it is work I have done before as a

Librarian and researcher!

I have to submit my application by early December.

*

Asking your prayers -

if I could get this contract it would be

not only more earnings for me

but would begin to really establish my work

as a researcher and I would be doing

what I love most -

researching, finding hard to find information

and writing about the findings.

First Snow Fall

5 AM this morning I woke up

and this is what I saw.

I love Ottawa in the winter!

And first snow falls are always so peaceful,

waking up and seeing everything covered

in a clean blanket of white snow.

*

I am researching places for networking

purposes.

Praying to God for wisdom and courage.

St. Nectarios

We had a moleben service to

St. Nectarios tonight.

*

My list of names included Noah;

Noah is declining rapidly and they have

chosen to take him home

and seek to only control the pain.

Please keep praying for him.

*

May the Lord have mercy.

New Week ... Monday is almost over already

Recovering from the wonderful weekend.

Thinking of my godchild a lot.

Realized I should clarify one point -

and this may explain why the first communion was

so special for me.

There are lots of Orthodox churches in Ottawa

and my dear friends,

the parents of my godson,

who I have known for many many years,

go to another Orthodox church,

so that was the only Sunday liturgy that I will be taking

my godson too.

I am so grateful for the honour of taking him to his

first communion.

I was gone a lot of the weekend for the baptism

and had an appointment this morning;

this afternoon has been lots of catch up and clean up.

*

Today is the feast of Archangel Micheal and Gabriel and

this is a great comfort for me.

*

I am going to two good friend's house tonight

and am making apple crisp to bake

while we eat dinner

for dessert.

I found out today that I will not be eligible

for employment insurance

because I was unemployed and then viewed as

self-employed over the past two years.

While I have enough for now and the next few months,

this was still really disappointing to learn.

It feels a little scary

and quite unfair... but... I must remember to be

thankful.

*

All things

require a lot of trust in God as

December I am going home to see my sister

(cost too much to change the plane ticket and she is not there for

Christmas)

from Dec 3-12 and then soon after that is

new calendar Christmas and really

not many people in Ottawa will be hiring then.

I don't think my job search will really take off until January,

though I am going to do a lot of work for the rest of this week

and also in December before the holidays.

Next week Tuesday-Wednesday I already am going to Brampton

to see my family and Oma

and Saturday I fly home.

Other life things that I can't blog about

are taking a lot of energy at present

so lots of apathia and trust in God

are needed.

Lots of learning to live in the present and trust

that God knows everything and is orchestrating

all events for my salvation,

and is taking good care of me.

Truly,

our Lord is good to us.