Sometimes We Get Wet

Tears come and wet our face.

Our eyes and cheeks can be red from crying.

God sees our tears.

Sometimes we feel really fragile.

Sometimes things do not work out the way we wish

or we just want to start over, again.

Sometimes we even wonder: why does life have to be so hard.

Each life is individual.

Many colours, many kinds.

We all get wet sometimes,

by tears, by the rain.

Sometimes mud splatters on us when we are walking on a sidewalk

"Zoom!" goes the car or a loud thunderous "Swish!" from a truck

and we are wet.

Maybe we were even wearing our favourite clothes.

Or we drench our sandled feet

by stepping in a deep unseen rain puddle.

The sun does come again.

The floods,

they do not last forever,

God promised.

But sometimes it can seem like a lot of wet.

A lot of rain.

Sometimes rain can be the best most joyous thing in the world.

But sometimes when it floods,

and is grey for days and days,

we begin to lose heart.

But again at church today,

my spiritual father spoke of a God who loves us.

A God who is so gentle when He asks

do you want to be healed?

A God who is with us,

who waits for us,

who loves us.

5 - for - 5

Five for Five Meme

Inspired from Mimi and also done by Alana

5 things I was doing five years ago

1. Shelving books at a public library

2. Preparing to do my Masters in Library and Information Science

3. Living at home in Michigan

4. I was chrismated almost 5 years ago exactly (August 8th)

5. I met many wonderful Orthodox friends - It broke my heart to leave BC

and my first Orthodox Church -

but God in His wisdom had me chrismated in the town where I grew up.

Now when ever I go home to family, I also go home to another church family

and my Godmother.

But it was not easy to leave BC and I barely talked for

the first 3 days after leaving.

5 things on my to do list:

1. apply for another job

2. go to church tomorrow (Thank God)

3. go to a friends house

4. wash my dishes, again

5. read another chapter in The Brothers Karamazov

5 things I would do with a million dollars:

1. I better remember to tithe

2. buy an apartment with a room for a library

3. invest for my future and for my family

4. pay off my school loans

5. get spiritual counsel for all of the above points

5 places I have lived:

1. West Michigan

2. Connecticut

3. Langley, Fort Langley and Walnut Grove (all in Beautiful BC)

4. London Ontario

5. Ottawa

5 things I want to be doing in 5 years:

1. Have a stable job that I enjoy

2. Um, still wish I could get married, like so many wish. But

God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

3. I hope Cleo will still be alive and well - she will be 11

4. Asking for God's mercy and going to an Orthodox Church

5. Visiting monasteries

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I also hope to continue to blog in a meaningful way

and to continue taking pictures.

I feel so alive when I am taking pictures;

being in the rain on my balcony last night made me almost

dizzy with the joy of seeing the rain;

taking pictures for me is to live

within the beauty

found in the present moment.

Life...

Sometimes life seems a bit too much.

I have been feeling this way myself.

So we hide for a bit.

But then we come out again.

I really wish though

that I could of done full time French training

or that it was easier to get a job.

Thank God tonight is vespers.

Today In Pictures

I had a very cute two year old visit today.

The bear is hers, the bunnies happen to be mine.

They stay on a shelf, waiting for children to visit; it was fun to share them!

The sun and the rain - again.

It rained suddenly and furiously tonight.

I love rain at night when I am home.

I love watching the rain dance on the street

and how it looks in different kinds of light.

Taking these pictures filled me with joy;

this is why I take pictures.

For the love and beauty of what I see around me.

It is becoming an inner discipline,

to become aware of the beauty of the everyday.

Balance

I love the idea of being a local artisan.

I will research.

I will also continue job searching;

I have networking, informational interviews and more cover letters to write.

I am going to look for books on card making.

I am glad I am a librarian.

Flower and Card research - Fun.

Really?

So Phillipa and Elizabeth

commented

with an encouragement I really never thought of.

The specific suggestion was to frame

my photographs.

I have been told I have a good eye for pictures

(even my spiritual father thinks so, which makes me most happy)

but I never thought of them as wanted by another.

I still am not sure about the framing of them to sell

at craft sales

but...

I used to use my pictures to make cards for people.

I have been taking pictures of flowers for years

it is just something I do,

especially this summer,

I find myself grabbing my small digital out of my bag

and taking pictures of flowers everywhere I go.

I just love the beauty of them. Beauty is part of who God is

and is so important for us.

So my question:

Do you think my pictures could be used and sold as cards?

Is Etsy calling my name?

What do you think?

Would you buy them?

Something to research.

I am a librarian. I love researching.

Regardless, I am really grateful for the prayers

and the appreciation of my pictures.

Thanks!

What Next?

I am back from the meeting.

She was a lovely person.

Unfortunately, she was quick to tell me

that I had been misled.

Apparently I cannot keep unemployment and learn French

(I was willing to pay for the courses)

even though the job postings for Ottawa

are 95% bilingual

(I saw another posting today, starting with,

if you are fully bilingual...).

So it looks like I cannot do the full time French classes that I wanted.

I am disappointed.

I may be able to do part time courses.

One day at a time.

Do not worry, your Father knows.

God is so good to us.

I must allow what God brings to me be for my salvation.

Lord have mercy on us - Amen.

Please say a prayer for me

I have another meeting about funding for French training

tomorrow morning.

Tonight's vespers was a blessing;

Thank God for His Church.

Beauty in the City

The setting of the sun.

The colours change and deepen so quickly.

Our lives too, change, at a blink of an eye.

I love in the canon of repentance,

that we can ask for

the grace to truely repent

before we die.

I love the vastness of the sky.

And that we,

small as we are,

under such a sky,

are loved.

Strength for Today

In a phone call to my Grandmother,

she reminded me that

God only promises strength for today.

I must rest in this and do what I can within this day.

Seeking Thankfulness

I have been learning to take more walks;

I take pictures along the way.

Stepping into the edges of flowerbeds

and big flower pots,

favoured by apartment buildings.

This is a view from nearby to my apartment building.

I believe it is these bells I hear at 4 pm;

they ring beautifully.

I wish, however, that Church Bells

would ring in the times and the days.

However, I am thankful for where I live

and for what I can receive in these moments, in this summer.

Things progress slowly,

or what feels slowly. But things are progressing.

I feel like this is a summer of healing for me.

This past year was full of challenges -

breaking my foot last summer

and a difficult job experience.

I am beginning to see more of the good

in this past year however,

and in my life.

God is so merciful to us;

my spiritual father continues to tell us,

again and again in Church,

of how gentle God is.

How spiritual healing comes from God when we are open to it.

I pray that we may live in God's mercy

and be thankful in God's goodness

and gentleness.

Outward Progression

My Georgia O'Keeffe poster, after 14 years waiting,

is framed and hung in my living room.

The two black and white prints

were done by my brother

some years prior.

I finally saw more trees and water.

By happy happenstance,

I was at a wonderful two year old's birthday celebration;

birds, water and water slides.

It was a perfect evening

after a beautiful day of sunshine.

I am thankful.

++++++++++++++++++++

On another note,

I have another meeting about French training

and am working on a few different cover letters.

I am praying that the sense of renewed hope,

that is slowly growing in me,

will stay awhile.

Comfort and Courage

I have been thinking about book VI of

The Brothers Karamazov

and how Elder Zossima speaks of praying for everyone.

It is encouraging to remember that we can be of help

to the lonely, the ill, the abandoned,

by prayer.

Some days I wish I could give everyone who is alone

or distressed

a cup of tea and comfort.

But at least, since I cannot help everyone in this precise manner,

I can pray, as meager as my prayers are.

This is a comforting realization.

I am aware also,

through reading about Elder Zossima,

about how what we do, and what is in our hearts, effects others.

God cares for us, each one

He knows the number of hairs on our head,

He knows our names.

Our small lives can be an encouragement to others.

By struggling for our salvation

by doing the little we can

each day

we can help others to struggle as well.

Madeleine L' Engle speaks, in her book,

A Circle of Quiet,

of the courage of a Magnolia Tree to bloom each year.

We must have courage.

I sat by the canal yesterday,

nearby to this tree.

Many people went by,

running and biking mostly,

and I sat and watched the water.

I thought, as I saw the current in the water stirring to the surface,

of God as the being that which is under a whirling surface,

hidden underneath

perfectly still.

God is with us, here, now.

Oh that we can have courage and comfort to know

that God is with us.

Through storm clouds and sunshine

The sunshine came out when I walked to vespers last Saturday.

The rain came again after vespers, but could not hide the sun.

I am aware of my faintness of heart,

how often I do not choose to love.

I finished book VI of the Brothers Karamazov

and am reminded again

of the life of God, the Church, the Saints;

the call to love, to humility.

Oh that I would remember God's mercy in the rain

and that the sun is always on the other side of the clouds.

Note to Self

When the newly washed blender parts are dry,

put the ring, then the blade and then screw the back in.

I often get this wrong, and do not understand how the blade will not fall out.

Simple to fix, simple to do. It is all about remembering the proper order.

I so often forget the ordering of the world.

I still find the world as we know it to be in part, irrational,

but God is still in charge of the world.

This is the proper ordering of a world that is so disordered.

God. God's love. The call towards humility.

The help of the Saints.

The faith to believe that, in spite of tragedy, or even,

within tragedy,

is God and His love, the Saints and their support.

That somehow it is all going to be okay.

Note to my soul: remember this.

Rain

The hard rain cannot obscure the sight of the Cross.

I hope it is not like this when I walk to church.

My entire being needs vespers desperately.

I will be wearing my black rain jacket over my skirt.

I am trying to work on cover letters and the whole business

makes me feel really weary.

I fell asleep on the couch and Cleo tried to steal food off the table.

Cleo and I are listening to the rain and Eva Cassidy

simultaneously.

Many Years Later

My Georgia O'Keeffe poster is finally framed.

Today was my semi-annual IKEA run.

The sun is warm and brilliant.

Soup for a cool summer evening

A simple soup for summer.

I am currently in love with Lebanese Cucumbers and Deep Red Tomatoes.

The Placemats are a creative use of beautiful

homemade cloth napkins;

I recieved them from a dear friend

who shared soup and tea with me.

(My Thanks).

The world is not rational

...we're living in a difficult and dangerous world, and no amount of sticking our heads in the sand is going to make it any easier. Western man has tried for too many centuries to fool himself that he lives in a rational world.
-Madeleine L' Engle (The Circle of Quiet)

In case my post about worry seems to only seem to be worry understated, I want to assure you that no, this is not actually the case.

Rather is a turning in my understanding of how the world is. Certainly not in my control - and as I begin to live in this reality - I can begin to relax. Become flexible, plan but not in stone.

God is our Rock and our Refuge. Other than this, there is no stone to write our plans in.

A colleague of my Mother's life was flipped this week; his brother was killed after being bit by a black widow spider. Throat swelled shut, vomit filled lungs, no oxygen for 30 minutes, he died a day later. He was at a campfire when it happened. No warning.

My Mother and I have conversation after conversation about people we know who are dying, have died, are severely ill or some other tragic event.

But like Madeleine L' Engle, I and my Mother have also chosen to believe in God and that His love will and does out distance it all.

I have told friends on various occasions that one of the reasons I am a Christian is because the description of God's love and of Christ - in the Bible - and in literature - and in experience of many. I do not believe humans or this world (without God) are ultimately able to create a Christ who is so loving; it is because God's love is outside of our experience that I believe it is true. Basically we could not make it up.

Somehow growing up is learning to relinquish control, seeing a world full of tragedy but seeing also love hidden in the midst.

Really Pleased

I got an

"A"

in the

17th Century

Literature Class.

Unpacking Do Not Worry

Suddenly the truth breaks;

Life is unpredictable; messy; unexplainable;

uncontrollable.

What does it mean to live in increasing ambiguity.

To live in the present moment,

not in the unknown future

not planning for what is not plannable.

French may not work out for me.

Today I found out that in Canada unemployment is taxed.

I will have less money than I thought.

Enough money to get by, but not to save.

What to do?

I do not know yet.

But I washed my dishes. Planned a meal.

Looked at a job description.

Disciplined my cat.

Am praying at church today.

Making a list of all the many things I need to do.

Controlling my future is no longer on my list.

That is on God's list.

I can only do what is on my list and in my capacity.

Do not worry

has to be on the top of my list.

Various Things

So, it appears that the Canadian government wants to enforce bilingualism but not promote funded training to learn French. Right. I may be able however to keep my unemployment and pay for the French classes myself. This leads to more questions and no immediate answers.

I have been listening to French CBC radio tonight and some lovely jazz it was. Listened also to Enya on youtube. Happy music.

God is constantly reminding me of His care. I ran into one of priests I know last night walking home; my friend was home this morning after the disappointing French news and we went grocery shopping; I ran into a Church friend in the mall (I was using it a short cut home).

This week I am going to go to IKEA; I am getting a curtain rod so I can hang up the curtains I bought long ago. I have various errands and need to do some more job searching.

I admit I feel on a wild ride, careening between a sense of despair, a sense of God's love, a hint of reckless adventuring and a strong desire to drive a car really really fast (this means about 80-85 mph in my world).

This probably means I need to be still inwardly...

The Lord and His mercy must be the still centre within us.

Happy Sigh and Prayer Request

Today was an overcast day weather wise.

But vespers was beautiful and afterwards, the sun was shining, with blue skies.

I am thankful for Church and for God's mercy.

*****

I have a meeting on Monday morning for funding for full time French training. As Ottawa is the capital of Canada it is a bilingual city. Most of the professional librarian jobs in Ottawa are also bilingual. This training would really help me get a job.

I am hopeful and ask your prayers.

Small Dinner Party

Cleo always wishes to join my dinner parties.

(That and she smells anything dairy with an immediacy that

never ceases to amaze.)

It was a simple meal.

Freshly bought bakery bread, soup, and a mixed bean salad.

Afterwards tea, cake and fruit.

Read out loud were witty, deft and beautiful lyrical poems.

I look forward to having another dinner party

with such lovely friends.

Soup

green beans (8 ounces; a nice handful or so)

zucchini (2)

potatoes (about 4)

fresh basil

tomatoes (2 ripe large)

white canned beans (rinsed well)

3 or so carrots

salt

1 large onion (chopped to size desired)

onion potatoes carrots boil in 3 quarts of water 20 minutes

add rest plus about a 4th cup of olive oil

boil 10 minutes

Grate salt and pepper to taste

Top with real Parmesan cheese, as much as you love

I love eating this soup with a side of tortilla chips.

I have had many conversations at my dinner table

with friends,

savouring this soup and the praises of it.

Answers are along time coming

It has been nearly 3 months since I lost my job.

Time flies as they say.

I am now researching French courses to see if I can get funding

to learn French full time.

I have money coming in through unemployment until the first of the year.

I have heard nothing about the job contract.

I am trying to trust God,

to deflect crazy thoughts

which come

most readily

when I feel unsettled.

I fail and get up again, and again and again.

Tonight I am having a few friends over

for food, poetry and tea.

I hope to have another literary party later,

when my (old calendar) Apostles Fast is over.

My lease is up in October; I try not to worry about this.

I am learning that obeying God is through listening and doing what He says.

Yes, I know, obvious,

but it struck me the other day

as the command for obedience. Do not worry.

Your Father knows...

Prayers appreciated.