(149) In an effort not to forget...

So I had been struggling with something for a bit, a good few

weeks, if not more, and it only seemed to be getting worse.

Last week I was struggling with anxiety over the issue

and my anxiety, I think, actually became a bigger or more

pressing issue than what I was worried about.

***

I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time.

Actually I remember suddenly realizing, I think, looking back,

God showed me, felt I was ready to see, that I was

riddled with anxiety; this realization happened when I was 

around 22 (?) years old, I was living in dorms at TWU, it was

my first full year there. 

***

I am 43 now, so that was over half my lifetime ago. 

I think people are often scared, frightened, worried, even panicked. 

***

Getting back to last week, I was, as it were, putting so much of my 

mental energy (as in what I was focusing my thoughts on, what I was 

dwelling on/upon/about) into the issue I was worried about.

I knew better but sometimes anxiety really is like a sicknesses and

it is very hard to get past/go through/get better from.

(And I believe that at times our inward struggles are made much worse

because we are under some sort of spiritual attack that we can't see.)

All I could think about at home, talk about on the phone, etc, was 

my worried thoughts.

The more I did this (thought about my worry) the more worried I became.

Now everyone, whether you struggle with anxiety or not, may think,

'well DUH, that is how it works' but let me tell you, in case you don't know,

that when you are stuck in the middle of your worry it can feel like

you are surrounded by it, by 4 walls and you don't have a window to climb out of

or a door to walk out of to get away from it.

It can be very painful. 

***

I am here though, to write this through, to remind myself, that there IS a window,

there IS a door, there is a way out; there are ways out.

***

For me, what really helped was a few things.

One of the big things was that, as it was a dreadful snowy/small ice rain night,

was that we (very unusually) (and we were both quite tired), stayed home from

Saturday vespers and prayed at home.

I was so tired that I actually listened to about 50 minutes of the 

Royal Hours of Theophany from this Monastery instead of vespers.

and heard beautiful Psalms, and I believe I heard Psalm 91,

which is such an encouraging Psalm about God's protection and love.

***

The next thing that helped me was liturgy it self and seeing so many 

people who care about me and realizing that while I felt alone

with my anxiety, my struggles, I actually was not alone

and people cared for me, are my friends.

***

But something else, that I was doing a bit earlier than the above two things,

was that I stopped talking about it.

That was hard.  When I am worried I want to talk about it 

and I believe that in many cases that this is the best thing I can do.

But in this case, I had to quiet myself.

I had to get a sense of space to see things in a different way.

***

How to explain this is tricky.

Anxiety is often stemming from something that is quite legitimately concerning.

And I still have the concerns that I had before, for the most part.

Or I still see the same concern as I had before, as in it's a valid concern.

What is, rather miraculously not there for me right now,

is that I am not walled in with crippling anxiety about the concern.

I had this sense that in my great inward distress, that I may not be seeing

things fully right, that things may not be, in this case, as dire as I was 

so afraid the worry was. 

I had to somehow get some space away from the thought that was at the

stem of the worry and see that God can take care of it,

that what I felt I saw in my very anxious state was not actually the case.

Now this is the hardest to explain; 

but I want to; I want to try to put words to the miracle that can happen,

when a person who was suffering with such pain in one's heart,

can feel a sense of peace again.

It's like I am able to be patient; that I don't have to believe my worry,

that I don't have to believe that the dire catastrophizing fear

 that my reality is really as bad as my 

anxiety thinks it is. 

***

It's like I can see that reality and what crippling anxiety thinks reality is can be

different and that I can have space and slowly with patience figure out what

my life, what my reality, really is.

***

I am not denying pain here or that there is trauma or danger or grief or loss or anything else

that can be so gut-wrenching.

***

I know myself well enough to know that this (escape via a door) is a gift from God.

And I know that, very likely, I will stumble and fall again,

with my struggles with anxiety.

***

Another big thing for me, with this, is trying to get the rest I need;

over-tired = more likely to be anxious.

***

Anyway, I really wanted to explore this issue that has been with me for so long

and remember how hard and painful last week was and what pulled me out of it.

***

I can only pray that I can keep space between this struggle I have had for years.

But I know that my experience of being able to get outside of it is real

and that with God there can be inward quiet, there can be relief.

***

May Christ save us and bring us to His blessed comforting quiet. 

***

ps: I still have to write about my experience of sunshine over 20 years ago

and the realization that with God is truly a place that is secure and safe.