Thinking about...

We got the loveliest of presents yesterday!

Fresh soap! Smells so wonderful!

And today I finally had "real tea" again,

instead of just 'feel better sinus tea"...

I still have my cold but I think I am slowly

winning the war and KICKING 

it to the curb where it belongs.

***

Thanks so much all those who commented on my 

last post.

Mat Anna had a great post up today about this and 

from this post and I am still pondering it...

***

So some back story to explain where I am coming from 

and how what Mat Anna writes fits in....

Years ago, back in the late 1990s and early 2000s, when

I was still doing my undergraduate degree at TWU,

I was reading this book that was wildly popular at the time.

It has some good ideas in it I think,

however, it is really quite incomplete.  

Not only did the author's life fall to pieces after writing it,

poor thing, (I do hope she is better now, it was quite a painful

experience from what I know from reading her later things),

but one of the ideas I got from it was just wrong.

Somehow I thought I could imagine the person I wanted to be

and somehow become it.

It really was a persona that was utterly fictional.

I was going to be somehow all of these things:

Poised, Eminently Respectable, Able to Handle Social Situations

with Grace and Ease, Fashionable, and a professional... with

great work clothes and a beautiful home.

Now, in reality this is who I am today:

Sometimes Able to Handle Social Situations, my fashion is 

utterly my own, often what my Husband calls a 'hippie look' with

skirts, dresses, various coloured bandanas that match the 

colours I am wearing that day, and Birkenstock Shoes, Boots and Sandals.

I wear make up only on special occasions.  

I like what I wear and esp my red glasses and long hair. 

Vanity I still have not fled.  

But I am not what I thought I would look like.

Actually I am about 20lbs heavier than what I was back then,

my shoulders are rounding from bad posture, 

and well.  I am MYSELF not some fictional imaginary character 

who was never me.

***

So, that part is mostly not disappointing me; yes, I wish I was

better socially (I still feel quite awkward and mess up) but I am 

happy with how I look, even though I don't have the willowy figure

anymore and well, one day I think I will look more like my Great Aunt and

Grandma, who look perfectly fine, normal woman with big hearts...

other than that I hope I still have long hair, I am curious to see

if it stays curly once it is grey....

This part (my looks) though I am more fine with because my Husband is very

clear with me in liking how I look and that goes a long way,

I know I am VERY blessed. 

***

But other things, like my spiritual life and who I thought I would be by now,

it's not happening.  This is where I am most disappointed with myself,

those same sins again and again.  The same struggles.  And just not

being great at certain types of prayer.

***

But here's what I am thinking may work better about that

and actually help... 

to do this:

accept where I am

not meaning 'give up' but 'accept'... to not hate myself or be unkind

and in this also accept where others are and that

they are struggling with things and themselves as well.

I think I am trying to accept where I am so that I can

keep trying to have the life I do want

(like a clean house, some sewing/crafting, etc).

Right now I see my biggest job being to create a haven

for my Husband.  He's needing this so much right now,

to come home to a peaceful, orderly, loving home.

It's the biggest thing I can do for him.

***

So the other thing I am thinking about, 

 is perhaps for another post,

but it's that confusing balance of accepting who 

you are, loving yourself without being sinful about it

(like approving sin or something)

and knowing that it's OK to let go of shame, guilt

and seeing how things may be making one feel guilty,

for me I struggle with having so much - when others don't;

others I think it can show up other ways,

like 'perfect weight = approval' or even trying to be 

so environmentally conscious because of we should feel

shame for how our race has wrecked the world... it's tricky;

I am all for doing what we can and recycling, but we still

have a right to exist, to use things, to need that plastic 

water bottle because we need water now and are in NYC 

on a really hot day...and our water bottle is empty... but

boy can one feel guilty for needing that water bottle;

I had to learn that better to be hydrated and not fall ill... than

not buying that needed water...

Or a Mother who is struggling with burnout and feels

she can't give everything she feels she should to her kids;

it's OK to not be able to be everything we think we should be.

Somewhere there MUST be a balance between

care-of-self, accepting our inabilities and not giving up

on trying to do better on what one actually CAN do.

***

Kinda like Fr Thomas Hopko said:

Pray as you can, not as you think you must.”

***

Anyway, there it is.

***

Today I was able to clean, do some laundry, 

have real tea, a bath! and enjoy the new

soaps we were given

(I can feel guilty about having such things

instead of enjoying them, I swear we feel

so mixed up in terms of what we should and should

not be feeling guilty about).

***

God loves us.

We are sinners.

We need to keep looking to Christ and praying for help

to do so.....