Lent Day 40 ~ whew, we made it....

Cleo, the Rascal.

She's so funny.

 I have to give some of Cleo's Meds with a syringe. 

One she likes the other, while it is flavored, is still bitter. 

She tends to take it OK in evening and hate it in the morning. 

She bubbles it out, so she has a hanging walrus of a mustache 

and this morning she shook her head, like cats do,

rocking back and forth...flinging the wet bubbled medicine 

everywhere, at once...  all over the floor and 

even so far for it to land in Mr Husband's cereal

 (what a waste of good cheerios). 

It was really funny.  Impressively so!

So Lysol wipes to clean up after my naughty Cleo 

what how still got her wet cat food treat after so she continues

 to associate unpleasant with a treat. 

That and I want her to eat more so that she will gain weight. :) 

****

We are still having work on our road.

It's taking forever.

Cleo no longer sits by the window, the noise bothers her.

****

Well, we have made it!

Today is the last day of Great Lent.

Day 40.

This day is a full one for me.

****

I had some anxiety to fight through 

RE: the state of our confused world.

But I know that the best thing I can do,

when I get anxious, is to seek to redirect my thoughts,

to get more calm, do something with my hands

and pray until I am peaceful.

It's hard.  I find it is a constant effort to 

rebalance myself inwardly, but with Christ's help,

it is possible.

****

I got Cleo a new liquid med for her antibiotic.

Thankfully it is in the 'flavour' - Salmon Steak believe it or not - that she 

tolerates OK.

It's still hard to give her all the meds, she really dislikes it. 

We are both feeling that we don't know how we can do this

med-giving more than 1 month.

The plan is to recheck her blood work after a month is past....

****

It's one of those last minute everything is happening days.

Sending out Sunday School lesson, cleaning, errands via Cleo...

Church tonight, cat sitter coming, 

****

It was wonderful to see the tulips by our local church, so beautiful.

I am finding myself remembering last year's Holy Week and Pre-Holy Week 

Weekend.... we celebrated a mile-stone birthday for Mr Husband,

the Munchkin served the first time in the Altar on Holy Thursday,

and the Munchkin's father, my husband's godson, died the next day, Holy Friday, unexpectedly.

So understandably, I am remembering it all and trying to pray through it.

We are seeing DV our beloved Munchkin a lot this week and hope to 

make some continued good memories for him at church and to give

some happier memories too.

****

It's going to be a very intense week.

No idea how much I will be able to blog.

Mr. Husband and I are still recovering from the flu;

my beloved is still quite weak, not his full self yet.

I am seeing how I have to pace myself too.

****

May God have mercy on us and 

carry us to His Holy Pascha! 

Lent Day 39 ~ NYC! Cleo's general naughtiness, and other thoughts

I made it into NYC!

Kept it simple... had an early brunch at my main diner there,

went to Marshalls and TJ Maxx for a blouse for Pascha.

Did not find anything.  Horrible. Everything I tried on was so

unflattering. It happens.  I've had great success before, same stores.

I have things from last year so have to raid my closet and make it work,

for the 'I want to wear white or cream for Pascha' outfit.

*

I bought a whole pineapple and Meyer lemons!

Fun! For fruit salad! 

One of the things that Mr Husband and I have been enjoying

is a simple fruit salad with our dinner.

*

I am hoping to bake, maybe these vegan scones...

*

So, Cleo so far has refused to eat her crushed up pill in wet cat food.

She spit out the other pill.

Yesterday both liquid meds went down fine,

this morning she managed to get tons of bubbly saliva and 

looked nearly like she was frothing at the mouth, 

except that it was more like a big drooping walrus mustache!

So still figuring that out, but hoping.

I have struggled with the idea of her being sick, or worse.

Would be really hard for me.

But right now she is not in pain, she is at least keeping on the 1lb+ that she regained

and seems her normal happy self. 

*

Of course my normal cat sitter would have an emergency and now I will

be meeting a new one - Cleo hates change, so this is not the best,

but that's life and it's sunny today and I am practicing gratefulness. 

*

My new goal is to explore more, slowly, of my surroundings.

I am realizing (and many of you have confirmed, thank you!) that this will help.

Yes, I have times that I really miss my old friends and past life.

Yes, it's not easy. BUT there are ways to make it better and I am going to try to

incorporate more of these in my life, not give up

and continue to search out for good things and people to love here.
My new dream is to see more parks this summer... 

*

I am excited for Holy Week next week, DV!

That's always one of my best weeks, as you get to be

with you church family or families for a lot more time than is normal!

*

I am really excited that it is going to be summer soon.

I am looking forward to my summer clothes, lighter and brighter. 

*

I really liked this post on Instagram Envy... 

It's tricky to have life and life as one writes or has it on IG.

Esp. when I was recovering from the flu,

I started to feel discouraged, that all these others get

to be in beautiful places or do or bake things I can't right now.

But there ARE things I can do right now and 

I am going to try to do them....

*

I made a new Lenten meal!!!
A chick pea dish, I think it may be Greek? or maybe it is Indian?
This was wonderful.  I have been missing cooking!
I posted the recipe just now, here.
And it will be enough for tomorrow too!
Maybe I can get to the vegan scones tomorrow...
*
Mr. Husband is on his way home!
I am going to close for now.
*
Tomorrow is the last day of Lent!!
That's all for Lent Day 39! 

Lent Day 38 ~ Waiting, Pondering

 

Today I hope to get more Cleo the Cat News.

I wanted to share what my Father-Confessor here in NJ said to me a couple years back,

when I said I was missing Ottawa... 

[since I have been writing about missing it...}

it was not what I expected to hear, but I understand it, at least in part.

He told me about St. Mary of Egypt and how she was tempted 

to go back to her past life, to thinking of the things she missed, 

like the fish, the (evil!) songs, ... 

While St. Mary lived in blatant passion filled hedonistic sin, 

and she left it all to follow Christ and learn to live a life of repentance...

she lived in the desert of Egypt alone with God for decades, 

never returning to her past life of sin.

..... I was trying to follow Christ in Ottawa and had a lovely church home there,

but still, one of the Monastics that I know and trust told me that getting married

was like taking up one's Cross and leaving everything for Christ.

*

I don't expect to ever live in Ottawa again.

Sometimes I really miss it, like now, it's been since August that I have been

and then it was not the visit I had hoped and longed for, as

my Husband and I got really ill. 

*

I also know that even if I did return, 

which is not planned for, 

it would not at all be the same.

*

Two of my best friends there are gone,

are in Romania again.

My Church there is still wonderful, but quite 

different - it's gained a lot of new members, they are singing 

new melodies for a lot of the music (glorious by the way),

the choir has at least doubled in size,

the kids are grown up, new kids have come.

New ways of doing things are in place.

Some of my good friends there are a good 30-40 years old than I am.

If I were to go back to live, which would not be for many years,

and not planned on at all,

a lot or all of these people would be gone from this earth.

You just can't go back and expect it to be the same.
I still do have many close and dear friends there,
but well, it's just not the same.

*

And there are things here in my life that I could not have in my 

old much beloved church ~ like Sunday School ~ I direct it at my

church here in NJ and love that, it's one of the greatest things of my weekly life.

And I do book sales.  Because it is a smaller church and newer,

I can serve in ways I could not in Ottawa.

So I really have gained a lot being here.

*

 I have to keep working on a life here.

It's not easy, but life is not supposed to be. 

*

I hope to go to NYC tomorrow,

Cleo Cat food, Trader Joe's, and looking for a blouse for 

Pascha. We will see.

*

One thing I have learned is that I must try to not 

have long term plans.

To imagine that I will live anywhere for a long time is just

living in a fictional reality, to be avoided.

*

My Husband and I have no idea the future.

No idea if we will stay living where we are when he retires,

if that is what God gifts us with,

time to be together in retirement.

*

And our parents are not getting any younger and none of my family

lives in Ottawa... I will always love Ottawa

and cherish the time I had there, but most likely it was only a time

and that of a real gift of 7 beautiful but hard years,

where God showed me that even in great struggle, He will provide what I need,

often in unexpected ways, and with friends who helped me

in those years.

*

We, at least if we try to follow God, even if poorly,

are given what we need at the time, not necessarily what we want,

but enough, something, someone, to help us in that particular stage in

the journey of our lives,

the journey that we hope to make to prepare us for the Kingdom of God.

****

Cleo Report: 

1a. My Vet is great. 1b. it is not a pancreas problem. 

2. Cleo HAS (we've been checking throughout today) gained between 1 and 2 lbs. And this is GOOD. Also she is not in pain, also good. 

3. We are going to do liver support meds for a month and then recheck blood work. 

We talked to vet about all options and feel this is the best one. 

Now we just have to figure out IF she will take the meds (we doubt it) 

or if we will have to either crush or compound them (most likely). 

I am hoping that somehow she was just sick and will recover on her own, with the liver support meds.

****

Realization that Mr Husband and I had:

I inadvertently bought *Sweetened* Almond Milk 

instead of unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.

Whew, that explains it! 

****

Cleo now has FOUR meds to take,
2 only for 2 weeks and 1 of those 2x day.
2 more for 1 month and then blood work.
I managed to get one down (most important) and
am still working on the rest.

She does seem to weigh about 2 lbs more,
she needs at least 3 lbs more than this though.

****

I am really hoping to go to NYC for a bit.
I have to keep making this place home.

****

Presanctified liturgy was beautiful.
Well, that wraps up Lent day 38!
We are almost through the 40 days!!! 

Lent Day 37

I woke up to sunshine.

Mr. Husband was home, getting ready for the day.

He is working in the morning here, taking a cab later in the morning

so he is not hit with huge price surges and 

I took pictures of Cleo while she was quickly on the chair, standing up.

I think she wanted her first treat of the day, so she cooperated ;)

Men are working outside on our street again.

I put on AFR on my phone as I was hearing one of them

talking loudly and I could tell it was not words I wanted to hear.

Read an article by Scott Cairns on Robert Lax - 

and some encouragement from CS Lewis:

"I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious, provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience, etc. doesn’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. 

We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean linen clothes are in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the very sign of his presence."

Taken from The Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis, volume 2, ed. Walter Hooper (Harper San Francisco, 2005), 506–507. Copyright © 2004 by C.S. Lewis Pte. Ltd. 

I know, from my reading, that there are Saints who practice great

askesis. fasting deeply and other often surprising acts of piety,

Saints on Pillars, Saints with hairshirts, Saints who do acts that help them

radically focus on God.....

I believe that Saints are the reason the earth is still spinning slowly everyday

instead of being destroyed.

I believe that there are Saints who have achieved dispassion - that is 

the absence of sin/sinful passions.

Who are impassable.   Who are no longer able to be tempted.

Who God gave the grace of this impassivity to. 

I really believe that achieving this in this world is possible, at least

for those who God gives it to.

I have seen hints and glimmers of it.

When I talk to a monastic who tells me that she used to struggle with

anxiety but no longer does or an older Christian

who says she or he used to worry but now does not.

I also know that I myself do not have this. 

If one is attentive even a little to their actions, words and thoughts

they will see that they do not either....  What Lewis writes,

of how dirty we are, how stained... with tattered clothing....

Sometimes I wonder, when reading such things,

if there are two types of people in situ, in the current moment,

of those who are struggling towards God,

however feeble the struggle - those who are falling constantly 

and those who are above it, impassible few.

Perhaps there are those who are not yet struggling towards God also,

which is quite concerning in the light of our spiraling world that

seems intent on self-destruction and esp. on destruction of personal cultural heritage

or on destroying those of others's past.

Yet I quickly realize that the Saints felt the deepest repentance,

knew themselves to be 'worthless' in light of God and knowing that,

in truth, they can do no good outside of God's strength and work in their lives.

**** 

Conversely I wonder about those how considered themselves

of no account; I read that Fr Sophrony had the right sort of 'hatred of self'

and yet I remember the profound words of a monastic in the book

the Scent of Holiness, where she writes of, because of her 

horrific past life experiences, was given the obedience of only being thankful,

of not doing self-condemnation as it could lead her quickly to despair. 

(The idea of self-condemnation, in the best way I can explain it quickly,

is to be aware/discerning/in the right way critical of one's self,

seeing oneself for who they are, not pretending that they have some

greatness/virtue/good that is either not directly from God's direct intervention

or seeing others are much worse than their self). 

****

I think it is not easy, to discern such things.

****

I am reading more of Mother Alexandra wrote

and I can see how she was drawn into monasticism at the 

last part of her life.

I can't wait to get more on her life and of her writings.

I LOVED what I read today from the journal form her monastery

that I picture above in this blog post.

****

In other more day-to-day events...

I am getting my haircut for the first time here in NJ today.

I had thought I would be in Ottawa Jan-Feb but plans with 

one of my good friends there fell through and so I never went.

And I have not gotten my haircut since August.

And I don't know when I am coming again to Ottawa.

So. I am sad that my dear hair stylist V will not be

cutting my hair, but I hope that I can go back to her again...

I feels like a big deal in my small life, 

like I am shoving off the last rope from my boat, 

quietly but with precision, letting the boat go free,

into the unknown waters on a sunny day

that I will still be on, when the sun sets and it gets cold, dark,

on the water... 

I have been missing Ottawa, when I went over the blog for cute

Cleo pictures, I miss the beauty and flowers.

I am going to try to find more of this here.

I have to keep trying....to find things I love here, 

while being in a neighbourhood that is still in need of much change.

****

Well.  My hair is much shorter now, nicely on the shoulder.

In a way sad, as my long curly locks are gone, but 

they grow back in half a year and for summer, this is best.

And so much lighter.... 

the hair dresser did a good job.

I found myself missing Ottawa while I was there.

I think part of my missing now is that I felt so

connected to my beloved Ottawa.

Like it was *my* city. 

I just loved it there.

I love the people I have met here.

I love the area more where my far away church is.

Where I live now. 

Well. I am still working on it.

My next thought, since I DO need to work on loving it here,

again, this Lent and the last year took off some of the love of

being here, I must admit, with the new violence that has popped up

more over the last year....

anyway, my next thought is to find places near by, and in NYC,

that are beautiful. 

I think if I do this, it will go along way.

***

Somehow I must gain compassion and love for the people here,

if I do, perhaps I can love it like but differently than Ottawa...

****

I have some great conversations with cab drivers.

Actually so does Mr. Husband.

Some deeply intellectual drivers, esp. if they are from other countries,

it seems.  I found myself telling Mr Husband that I see then

that these people are around and I wish I could meet some of them 

outside of the taxi. 

I found myself today talking about the Philokalia, that I have not read,

the Art of Prayer, that I have and what the nous is and where 

peace is really going to come from.

Let's say I don't get to talk about this very often in my life here.

It's just how it is.

***

 I am SO Blessed with Mr. Husband to talk to.

I miss my friends in Ottawa who are now in Bucharest.

I have some great friends in my life in NJ too, who are on the same level,

but we all live in different towns and cities and without a way to really

meet up for dinner...

but yet so MUCH to be thankful for....

****

I had Thai for an early dinner,

shared rest with Mr Husband for a later dinner.

And now it is late, and I must call this 

Lent day 37, done!

Lent Day 36 ~ Cleo's problems may be more serious

{Picture from Ottawa,

in my beautiful apartment I had for 1 year.}

{First pictures of Cleo, from my C. St. Apartment, 

the first one I had with Cleo in Ottawa.}

{Picture from Mr. Husband and I's first apartment after we were married.}

*

I spent a while going through old pictures of my blog,

still have not found the picture of Cleo that I am looking for.

*

She's been my little companion, source of solace, laughter and delight for sometime now.

*

It seems that the problem Cleo has is in her liver.

The blood work showed all of it is elevated, though not as 

high as it could be, thankfully.

Her pancreas is being tested via the blood work that was already done.

We need more information before we know if we are doing further testing.

*

This is really hard for me.

It's an effort to do the things I need to do,

all I want to do is be with Cleo/look at Cleo pictures.

*

But it will be OK and we continue to hope for better...

*

In other news,

laundry got done, my house is more clean than it was,

things are slowly getting caught up, thank God.

*

I am about to begin on a late dinner.

It's warm and sunny today.

Cleo is eating dry cat food as I type,

chew, drop some of the food, pick up some more, chew and drop.

I know that Cleo will not live forever.

I still hope for more years. 

But I know.

And I know that I myself will not live forever.

*

This fascinates me. 

I think of it often, how we are walking on this earth,

this slowly whirling ball,

on top of the grass, the flowers, the snow, for a very 

very short time.

We help build or destroy our culture for the next 

people to walk on top,

we embrace or reject God.

How anyone can think that this amazing world is 

not made by SomeOne or SomeThing higher,

when they can only live for 100+ years at most

and most people will never be remembered,

to many of us and yet people think

themselves separate from God, from a Creator.

*

I think the only reason it seems unbelievable that we, esp. when

we are still young, can't imagine dying ourselves is that we

have an immortal soul, 

we are made for eternity.

God has written eternity in our hearts.

*

Lord have mercy on us and help us.

*

I am going to sign off now,

so I can make dinner and welcome 

Mr. Husband home.

*

Tomorrow will be colder again, last I heard, but

not as cold.

Spring is here. Summer is coming.

And even more,

Pascha is soon.

Christ, please meet us and bring us closer to you

on this most Holy of Days.

Lent Day 35

I forgot to show the bus that looked like an old trolley that we saw on Saturday night,

on our way to church, so here are two pictures of it.

I failed to take a picture of the back, wish I had.

It had a railing and place to stand out back.

An incredible new but old looking period piece. 

*

Yesterday was a lovely day.

Liturgy, book sale...

we had 14 kids again for Sunday School!

We were tired/still hungry on way home, so stopped by our

favourite Thai place,

some of the pictures above I took earlier, but wanted to share them again.

The wooden carving is so intricate, it is 3D, has a depth and amazing details hidden 

in the shadows... a Artist of great talent made such a piece! 

The sign about parking in the back always makes us laugh,

so I had to take a picture of it again...

*

We ended up not getting home on time, 

took some wrong turns as we did not realize that Mr Husband's phone

that we were using for off-line (Google) maps had the volume up,

so some turns were missed.

*

I have been much cheered by being able to make some dinners

from scratch this weekend.

Simple things, a green salad, a festive fruit salad.

I realized that I need to switch almond milks as the one I had

is too sweet, has tons of sugar in it... not what I was looking for in a healthy

green smoothie! 

*

It's hard to believe that it is the last week in Great Lent!

I am relieved/happy about that.

I find that Lent is rarely what one would expect it to be,

and this one was no exception...instead of the hoped for 

steady focus, we had sickness and are still really 

recovering from it.

We get tired easily, husband lost a significant amount of weight,

(he's thin at baseline too), and we are having to be 

patient about all of this.

*

I was, over the weekend, able to conquer more of the clutter

that was overwhelming me.

*

We enjoyed some nice Dutch (actually made in Germany!) vegan cookies

and chocolate with tea. 

*

And that was Lent day 35!

Lent Day 34 ~ Adventures with Cleo, meals and Church

{Cleo coming home from the Vet}

First, wanted to say a big THANK YOU to the many 

who commented on my blog post about visual media 

and the levels of which I can watch it.

I often feel alone in ways I did not expect in my life here in NJ

and really appreciated your words.

It's not that I don't love my new life, 

but it's more work to build a life here and I am ever grateful for

the friends I find here, in the blog-world. 

*

So, about today.

Took Cleo to Vet.

Whew. In and Out this time.

She did not fight the blood being drawn, they

had a blanket for her to lay comfortably on, the woman 

who met Cleo to take her blood immediately complimented Cleo

on her beautiful looks and it just went really well.

It's always a good idea to tell Cleo that you find her to be beautiful.

She was, however, scared.  

They commented about how fast her heart was beating as the 

blood was being taken, poor thing.

She got a big treat when home, as in some wet Cat food, which for her

equals pure delight.  She's so funny. I had to pout new food in her glass

food container that we usually use to put food in her dish.

Every and any time I transfer food from food bag to big glass

food container, she waits excitedly for some to fall on the floor,

which she immediately starts eating. 

Once she was done with that, 

she went right back to her consuming of her

special treat of wet cat food!

*

We had a nice lunch which included a

green salad and a fruit salad.

I am feeling a bit better about food and hope to make

some more things here at home.

*

I am still woefully behind from the flu.

My laundry pile towers between

clean laundry that needs to be folded and dirty laundry that

needs to be cleaned.

*

I am still fighting clutter...and I make a lot of it!

*

I found this beautiful article by 

Mother Alexandra, who I think wrote it perhaps before

she was a monastic

on the Jesus Prayer.

it's really worth reading, very lively, accessible...
*
I also ordered some older books by Mother Alexandra,
when she was still Princess Ileana.
I will try to show them to you when they come!

I am excited for them!

*

Tonight was vespers and another quick trip to the grocery store

for onions, as sadly mine went bad, I was able to use the core of them, but had to waste 

a bunch of the outside sections.

I think because everything

got mixed up/unnoticed when we had the flu.

Catch up can take a long time.

*

And that's Lent Day 34! 

Lent Day 33 ~ sunny, quiet, Akathist at night

 A quiet day.

Cleo, Mr. Husband and I spent the day time at home,

Cleo being a cat,

Husband working 

and I doing various things.

I got a lovely card in the mail! 

I made a green vegan smoothie for Mr Husband and I...

We went to the Akathist at night, I forgot my phone

and so no church pictures.

While we had groceries delivered, we realized

I had forgotten avocados so we went to the local store in 

walking distance from the church, I went in while Mr Husband stayed in the car.

Got some nice

hearty bread for Mr. Husband as well as some 

strawberries to make our favourite fruit salad. 

The food was bring rung up when I realized that with 

not having my phone, I also did not have my

credit cards and so quickly, after explaining to the woman at the counter,

dashed out to the car to get Mr Husband's!

And so it all worked out well and we are well rationed for the coming week!

And that was Lent Day 33.

Lent Day 32 ~ quiet with some sewing and reading

A constant effort to keep things clean.

I opened our treasure that we purchased a while ago.

Do you see Mother Alexandra's early publication listed,

when she was still 

HRH Princess Ileana of Romania? 

Here is some information on her if you do not know of this 

wonderful person - first Princess and later Monastic.

I, like many, are struggling with what to eat this Lent.

First it was the sickness, the flu,

now, well.  I am just struggling.

Making smoothies are at least a good step,

but it's going to take a while before I get the full grove

back. I really miss cooking.  I have over 130 cookbooks.

(Many given to me over the years, or gotten at sales).

I remember when I use to cook and years ago do grocery lists 

based on what I was going to make.

So much has changed since then.

For various reasons.  

I can't remember, in a lot of cases, how I functioned before I was married.

I often wonder, what did I eat? 

By necessity we've fallen into eating at our diner a lot.

The flu took a lot out of me.

If we eat at our diner, it means we have left overs for at least 1 or 2 days.

I am really hoping for better.

It's so hard to balance things for me right now,

to do things in the right time.

I managed to sew/quilt the top row of my godson's quilt.

I had a moment of panic/despair that I had broken my machine,

when the presser foot (that which makes it work, going fast or slow) 

would not speed up, even when I had it all the way down 

(It's really much like a gas pedal that way).

My Quilting Friend quickly reassured me and that I had just 

inadvertently moved the switch from fast to slow 

and whew, it worked again.

*

I have had some realizations about how things are for me

in terms of what I watch.

I always knew I was not like others in so many ways,

but it includes TV/Movies and I am so easily upset now by seeing

vile behaviour that I have to be incredibly careful in what I watch.

*

I've known this for a long time,

my Grandma is the same,

We are deeply impacted by what we watch.

It's like we have no filter on our soul and the images

are imprinted there; they deeply impact us.

*

I had a teacher in junior high who had us watch footage

of WWI and WWII and I think it all began there,

when I was forced to watch real people dying.

*

So, now, I have to be careful.

The Tolkien movies - not for me.  Totally unnerving.

Harry Potter - well don't like how that series ended to begin with,

but that aside, I could never watch the movies.

And so now I realize also that 

the beautiful British shows are not for me, 

even though everyone raved about them.

Yes, beautiful. Yes, period pieces, fashion, beauty.

But the character's horrid behaviour.

It disturbs, angers and unnerves me. 

I've realized in part because I either really liked the 

character and are sad for their poor choice and/or

get worried about it

[I realize that it is fiction that I am watching,

but I also know that it represents so many poor 

souls who are caught up in such things].

*

Makes me feel so different than others,

and I mean everyone practically in my own circles,

that I can't watch such things.

But I can't help it.

I can't let such things into my view,

my consciousness. 

They stay there, lodged, a type of torment,

seeing such broken lives, foolish decisions and 

behaviour that can only lead to spiritual and physical death.

And it makes me mourn with sadness.

The lostness of it, the way people are destroying their own lives.

*

So I have learned a new trick:

Before watching something that is recommended to me,

I google it.

I find the plot spoilers. 

I read them. 

I am often troubled by what I read but at least

it stops me from watching them.

*

The Walton's, I can watch.

The BBC Austen movies, yes.

Austen has a wholeness to her, a goodness.

Out of Africa I watched but not without some struggle.

Beautiful.  Deeply Sad.

But also a clear example of how woman's choices can 

destroy their lives.

I don't know that I want to watch many things like that movie even. 

*

I don't expect many to understand this but it's how it is for me

and there is no getting around it.

*

Much better for me to be reading Elizabeth Goudge and such things...

and Jane Austen, CS Lewis....

*

Well, that was Lent Day 32!