Been Better

Hard night sleep.

Feverish.

I feel ill.

I feel like the ambiguity and endings in my life

are driving me crazy.

I have been reading a book by Margaret Drabble,

it's about 20 years old

called

The Gates of Ivory

and is about the holocaust in Cambodia.

How can North American Life seem so crushing

when there are people who lost

whole families?

All I can do is silently but loudly beg God to take me out of this

time of the unknown;

with door after door closing

but other doors

closing

but maybe not closing

and merely causing confusion.

(Sorry to be vague; too much is unknown to me).

My spiritual father spoke this past Sunday

of St. Peter walking to Christ

in Christ.

He spoke of Jesus coming to His disciples in the

4th hour of the night

during a great storm and that

the 4th hour is the hour

when people think all is lost

storm at sea

no hope of rescue

abandoned

and this is when Jesus comes

and says Peace be to you, Be Not Afraid.