Wednesday, July 26, 2017

What did you do with all that time?

More than one person,
when they finally saw me in person, 
asked me what I did (esp when just in bed) with all that time.
I know that once I am better, this will be harder to remember,
I don't remember what I did with the many hours of being in bed
in the summer of 2008, when I basically got my foot
run over by 1 car wheel, a car I did not see coming when
I was trying to catch a bus during standstill traffic and I thought I was safe.
I remember calling my Mom many times during that time,
my Ottawa Mother came and brought me delicious food,
other friends visited; 
I was able to get out more, even though I had many steps,
I was never in a real cast, never told to not bear weight on my foot;
the worst was that my foot got infected because I did not know
how to treat the open wounded and no one at the hospital told me
how to do so; and when one is injured like that, one is 
not necessarily keeping track of all the details. 
I remember getting a call from the police office with the case number
to my accident; the person calling was surprised that I did not seem to care; that I was not going to do anything about it;
I remember it was a woman who ran over my foot with her
nice looking car, one wheel only; she was a professional looking person;
she must of been in shock;
I don't think she ever got out of the car,
but 4 people carried me to the sidewalk, I had no idea what 
happened, I was in such shock.
My spiritual father said that Angels were surely pushing the cars 
away from me, 
as I fell in the middle of a busy street during rush hour.
I was in great shock; when I broke my ankle this time I was not
at all in shock; funny how that is.
I knew I broke my ankle, it hurt terribly and I called my Husband,
my poor over-worked hard-working Husband and we went to urgent care.
In 2008 I remember how sick I was when I was on the super strong 
antibiotics for the foot infection; 
I went to hear both Fredrick Matthewes-Green and Fr Thomas Hopko speak;
I remember not being well emotionally and how patient my 
sister-friend was with me.
Recovering from this fall and the subsequent job I had, toxic,
that I lost months later, after moving and then having to move again,
as I realized that my money was not going to stretch 
far enough to stay where I was.
That summer, the summer after my fractured foot,
I was basically trying to not only rebuild a life that I felt 
I was losing - my beautiful green apartment I moved out of that fall - 
but I was also rebuilding my shattered soul, back in 2009.
I had lost confidence in myself and it was with a wonderful
woman student-therapist that I was put back together that summer.
She was a Christian, read Madeleine L'Engle, and she gave me such hope
and solace.... 
It's crazy to think of my life after that summer;
I had a bit of a crisis that fall when I had 2 months to find an 
apartment and could not afford a lot of where I was wanting to live;
God got me through that.
A year later, 2010, I got a tax bill the amount of the my then rapidly dwindling savings,
I had been to a ton of interviews, had even been flown West for one at a 
University, and was not landing the job I needed just to survive.
God got me through that too, plus the cancer scare I had
and running out of money various times, God pulling me out
with the help of others.
It was when I finally surrendered my situation to God;
I had been miraculously bailed out twice by dear friends
and I once again went to the bank down the street to pay my bills.
And I had 300.00 left, other than my pension money, which would not last me more
than half a year and was all I had for old age (it was so little for that!)...
and I told God, as I walked back from the bank, knowing that 
I had no money for next month's rent, again.
Ok, Lord, if You want to keep miraculously providing for me to live 
and don't want to give me a job to provide for myself,
I accept.
And within an hour I had an email about a job contract,
what I thought was an interview was actually 
an explanation of the job and a hope that I would take it.
And so, dazed I did.  And was paid more money than I had ever earned to do it!
I was careful of course and the money lasted me months, until I got another contract that 
summer, and so I was afloat and working again...
It was between these well paying contracts that I learned of
the man who would become my Husband a year and a half later.
While dating him I took another job, which soon
became apparent that the job was, let's say, misrepresented,
in terms of demands (which were putting people in the hospital because of stress)
and thankfully I was let go with severance and then my Oma died,
my then boyfriend came with my family to the funeral,
and that (Western) Christmas Eve we told each other, via video chat,
that we loved each other.
We got engaged on Pascha afternoon and married 
the following September.  
By January or so of that time in Ottawa, my then-boyfriend
and I were already talking about the wedding and my move to NJ,
and I got another job through my network of friends,
one that I worked until mid-summer before my wedding.
I can tell you that all of the ups and downs of that time,
starting with my broken foot in 2008, prepared me for my life in NJ 
in ways I could not of anticipated. 
And here we are now. 2017. One of the hardest
years of my Husband's life and of our marriage
by way of illness and strain upon ourselves,
individually; as in we are 2 persons with our own Crosses to bear;
I have been basically house-bound for 2 1/2 months now.
Yes, I can walk with crutches, but it's hard on my body
at this point to do so. My foot still hurts after being down for a time.
Recovery is a lot slower than I would of thought.
I have many mis-givings about the doctor I am seeing,
but because of many other factors in our current life, I was not 
able to go to a different one and I just have to live with the situation at hand.
A summer that I was looking forward to was wrecked by my 
fall and broken ankle. ... I am learning to cope by reading, earlier by
watching shows on netflix (I've since cancelled it already), making cards,
knitting.... I got so many cards at the beginning, it was so nice;
and the care packages! I have been very blessed through all of this.
I wish I could describe how it is fun to be on my knee scooter and glide
through the hall, with my good leg up, and that I am good enough on it
to do little turns and go into the kitchen or the living room from the hallway,
with little effort....
I am hoping I have not damaged my leg by putting weight on it,
too much or too soon; I really don't know what I should be expecting but
I am not without pain now, like I was when I was not bearing weight on it.
But yesterday I re-read L'Engle's 
The Young Unicorns
again and am re-reading Towers in the Midst 
by Elizabeth Goudge right now,
which is delightful.
Now that the fast is over, I am loving having tea 
again, with milk.  
I am still really homesick for just being able to walk
and without pain or slowness.
I miss being able to use my prettier dishes,
that need to be hand-washed and having my house in
a less cluttered way.
The hardest things though I can't blog about right now,
suffice to say that it is not a health concern or a concern
about our marriage.  But what will
become of the situation is not clear and I feel like
I am being suspended above a huge sea of unknowing,
that at times worries and scares me, and at other times gives me
a sense of hope for better in the future.
It's a lonely place but it's where I am right now and
the best things I can do are pray, journal, write cards to others,
remember the sufferings of others, read the Psalms, read
enlivening books, keep my sense of humour, read cookbooks,
enjoy social media and keep trying to get better.
And drink lots of hot tea and realize how blessed I am,
how there are so many in dire poverty with no or little options,
and while I am house-bound and in inward challenges,
I can not claim great suffering,
 but only hope that God will help use this for my
salvation, for my sanctification,
and that my soul can be hollowed out so that Christ and His
Peace can dwell in me... of that I have so long to go and
the journey there is long, varied and not in anyway neat or
strait forward; yet I trust that God is weaving threads of my life
together to save me and I pray my Husband
and many others...
in the end, it is this salvation that is the only thing
that matters, in use of time and even more, in what to hope for. 

1 comment:

Eileen said...

Oh, how I feel for you. I broke my foot in May and am still in shock regarding the recovering time. I am walking now in a very stiff sole shoe but it is painful. I guess age and feet take longer to heal and yes, the hardest part has been keeping the mind positive!. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep on keeping on!