Beautiful Flowers, Hard Questions and Cleo the Cat

Liliacs - I had a great walk yesterday with a friend and took pictures.

Where I first lived as a child had a liliac bush. My Mother loves them...

My Cutest Cleo Cat.

OK. The hard questions.

1. I don't know what to do yet.

I am only getting

RED lights from the professionals

(the few, okay mainly my professor

who is being honest about the field)

about the field for a PhD in humanities.

That and my own research shows that the job market is bad.

And very competitive and intense.

2. I have been asking questions. The MA I could apply to,

I could possibly still get in for September.

Would do it with two of my friends,

if I got in.

BUT with little or no funding.

This is a real concern.

Like many students I have student loans.

If I got out more,

then all the work I did to re-pay would be gone.

This does not seem to be a good move for me,

esp. given that I do not have anyone else (God of course)

to support me money wise.

(and other than a humanities librarian job in a University,

it would not get me more job prospects).

3. What does it mean to let go of this dream?

We are taught to be such idealists.

That we can do anything we want

unlimited optimism or

at least naivete.

This article talks about the students who

are considering graduate school

this professor is often discouraging them for doing so.

He went to Harvard and has a job

but he sees that many are not getting jobs.

His article is harsh but honest.

It was painful to read.

4. This one is only slightly pre-mature.

I do tend to worry a bit at times.

Still. I am processing the fact that if I do not get a job

(I've looked online, there are not any full time ones)

by the end of the summer or so,

I will most likely have to move.

I hope not out of the city itself;

I cannot afford this apartment when the lease is up,

if I do not have a full time

librarian job.

This makes me feel sad,

as my one bedroom apartment here

is so lovely.

5. The idea of having to leave to find work

and leave my Ottawa home

and my spiritual father

I do not want to contemplate.

This is the hardest of all.

But I know that God is with me.

I know that He can do anything; I know I am seek to not be afraid

and be at peace.

So I will continue trying to do so.

And to learn to love God

through this time.

And so I seek to be thankful.