The beauty of Spring

I took a long walk .... and did laundry and dishes... and read more of a book for my research project. 

I am so thankful 🙏 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

A Victory

I was able to go to a talk tonight. I was so glad that I was able to go because I had been feeling really weary and uncertain that I could make it.

Last night I began researching for my writing project again. That was a relief.

I hope to do more tomorrow. 

So many things. Grieving Peter and praying for him.  Getting through what I need to understand to process my trauma of losing my memory. Hopefully I am making headway.  And my rash is actually possibly worse 😕. 

So tomorrow will include needed rest I think... 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Thomas Sunday

Beautiful liturgy. Artos Bread blessed.

Beautiful trees 🌳 glistening with rain drops........

Much good..... but I am struggling a bit physically with exhaustion/feeling unwell. 

And so it goes...

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

just a quick second

It was really good to be at vespers 

Lots to pray for 🙏

So a week ago Holy Wednesday I noticed a small spot where I had the rash in January that the dermatologist thought (as I did) was Sweets Syndrome. Well the small spot grew. It's over an inch long now. I had a biopsy of it this past Wednesday. We want to confirm that it is Sweets (especially because of all I went through). I can't have prednisone again. I am really hoping something topical can help. I am trying not to worry or obess about it but it is hard. Especially because of how difficult the past months were. 

I will know more next week. 

It may be end of week and then going into the next week. 

Pray for us 🙏 and may God have mercy on us all ❤️

Today would have been Peter's 76th Birthday

I got the calendar reminder today....

For Peter's birthday 🎂....

Whenever we visited and would take him out, I told him it was for his birthday 💕💔

I knew Peter for 17 years... he was still in his 50s then.  

Grief is hard....

I went to NYC ....

My doctor said I am still processing the last few months and the memories. This was one of the hardest times of my life. And my Husband's. 

I just pray that we are given some time of quiet, with peace and sunshine to heal....

Editing to add that my doctor said that the process I am in is similar to grief... that I am still figuring out what/how/when everything happened and that later I will be able accept it (after understanding) athen move on. I wish it was an easier process but it is as it is....

May God have mercy on us 🙏 all...

Peter: a dear friend: memory eternal!

My friend Peter died early on Holy Friday.  I cried a lot during the church services of Holy Friday and Holy Saturday.  

Today was his funeral. In Ottawa. I couldn't go.

I lit all my lampadas in the living room and prayed for Peter while the funeral was going on. 

May Peter's memory be eternal 🙏

Briefly here

Other than my tablecloths this is my Pascha decorating. At least this was done.

Bridegroom Matins tonight. 

My doctor thinks that I have a cold at this point not a sinus infection... praying that this stays true 🙏 I really don't want to get more unwell. 

Derealization is a word I learned today. I had *some* of that when I lost my memory. 

I think I was in a state of shock for at least a month! Including when I was really ill.

Well we have a lot of Holy Week yet 🙏 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Holy Monday and Tuesday

Bridegroom Matins 💙

I am still processing the last months. It was really scary a lot of the time. Parts of this apply: 

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/coping-after-a-traumatic-event

So I am talking to my doctor remotely as I still have congestion and am scared of getting a sinus infection. 

It could be the same pattern that gave me the Sweets Syndrome and I must NOT have steroids ever again. 

No memory loss, please and thank you 🙏

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Almost Palm Sunday

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Lazarus Saturday

 

I was reminded of one of my favourite songs

that I sang along to again and again back in Ottawa

when I was working a difficult job... 

it really captures the cry of the heart and lament 

and then unexpected glorious hope. 

***

Really neat things at end of this blog post about

Lazarus' first and second tomb! 

***

I made it to liturgy this morning for the Annunciation. 

We had fish afterwards to celebrate. 

***

I still have some congestion in my ear area but

I hope I am getting better. 

It's hard to tell, as I have moments when I don't 

feel well and others that I feel fine. 

***

Wishing everyone a blessed Holy Week 

(or Holy Weekend for those on the Western Calendar). 

***

Soon we will all be together celebrating the life

changing news:

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

***

(Which reminds me of a story, I think in Romania, not sure,

during communist times when a professor was

going on about atheism being right and someone

asked to say just a little in refutation

and all he said was:

Christ is Risen

and the class answered Truly He is Risen! 

and the student sat back down...

(my Husband says that he remembers this story

that it was a Priest who said this after an

atheist pubic lecture but says this probably 

happened more than once, most people

in Orthodox countries, even if they don't 

go to church, know how to respond to

'Christ is Risen'... )

Drinking lots of hot tea

I seem to have a cold. 😔  well I mentioned that before but it is progressing/worsening. 

Prayer request is that I develop a sinus infection. 

I am trying to rest a lot. 

May God help us 🙏 

Hope for better

Until tonight I still had my Christmas table runner on this buffet. My Husband helped out a bit!

It's a beautiful table runner 🌸

I stayed home from church (thankfully it was not our Palm Sunday) because I was struggling with a cold. I feel a bit better now. It's been waxing and waning. 

A bad head cold began all my troubles of this year. It still astounds me that I was so sick just a month ago.

May God have mercy on us and save us 🙏 ❤️🙏

Spring

I was rather astonished to realize Spring has sprung....

I took a few block walk to mail 2 letters and saw that the trees were in flower. Today was the first day that I had a walk by myself. And only one short nap. Recovery from months of illness is a bit of a prolonged endeavour.

When I was still very sick I prayed that God would help me return. Even though each time I prayed the world seemed ugly, glaring white lights, terrible city landscapes of tall buildings with square lights bright but lifeless.  

Now I need to continue to return by becoming stronger physically and able to resume my life.

I discovered a DE Stevenson book 📖 that I had not re-read that was quite pleasurable to read.

Fun to see how Stevenson toes this tale with her novel The House of the Deer.

She's such a wise writer. 

Well I must be patient but also persistent it seems in this healing process. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏. 

The Taste of Freedom

I am finally off prednisone FOREVER. To celebrate I had 2 small pots of caffeinated tea over breakfast!

Taste of freedom. 

When I think of so many in the world struggling with war, poverty and such struggles ... having tea at breakfast in peace, in my own home, with my Husband, it really is what so many wish for.... it really is part of freedom....

I am so grateful but yet my thanksgiving is not as deep as others who have gone through much worse....

how it is right now

It's still strange to be back as it were... I have been well for about a week. 

When I looked at the calendar and realized that it has only been a little time... it rather is surprising. 

And makes my feelings more understandable. 

Feelings of shock, of shyness, of reticence. 

It's a lot. 

And in ways I am still rediscovering things.  Not that I have forgotten something but since I don't read the news .... sometimes I don't realize what is over and what is ongoing. 

I almost done with the steroids that I was put on. My doctor thinks my memory issues are from this. Also, horrifyingly, the very sleep med I was desperate to have may have done it or contributed. 

It was scary for me and so confusing. I came out of the amnesia in stages and sometimes I would "wake up" not knowing who I was or why I was washing my candlestick. Once I "woke up" not knowing anything and was on a walk with my Husband on a cold grey day with cutting wind and felt that the world was dystopian, ugly and I was horrified. It was such a painful process. 

It really helped that my Mom came. She was such a source of comfort. She kept telling me that I would get better, that many people were praying for me. As I improved would also tell me this. That I was getting better. 

Once, when I was getting much better but walking up from a nap I may not have realized that I had lost my memory. One of these times I woke, realized my Mom was here, that I had lost my memory, I burst into tears. I had thought it was a dream. That it had not happened. 

I think my biggest struggle since I have been better (as in no having memory loss issues) is shock. I just can't believe that it happened. Yet it did. 

Physically I am quite weak.  I feel shaky still and well low-grade rotten feeling pretty much all the time. 

It's going to take a while for a full recovery. 

Thanks for your prayers comments and emails. 

back from very unexpected adventures

Well, I'm back... so says Sam in The Lord of the Rings.

I ended up being quite unwell for a while. I still can't quite believe it myself but for a while I basically lost my memory.  Returning with my memory intact took a while. My Mom came to help out  for 2 weeks and returned last night. I am pretty much better now. 

I remember everything except the earliest days after my memory was lost.  It was a really difficult period. As you can imagine. 

I still feel pretty fragile about it; such a shock to have happen.

I still have a hard time fully believing it even though I lived through it. It's like I have to still integrate myself. 

Well, never thought something like this would happen to me! My Husband was so distraught. He still says things like "it's so nice to have you back" ... it took a while, my Mother was very encouraging. 

It's been a difficult time but hopefully I will regain my physical strength as well. I am not going to NYC (etc) until I am stronger. 

Not sure what else to say! I miss my Mom's presence with us and am really glad for my loving Husband ❤️....

considering what we know

God is truly carrying 🙏 us through this unexpected journey!!

Today NYC I had excellent care (normal doctor + cab drivers + just enjoying NYC!)

I am *finally* sleeping consistently 😴 because of doctor approved (fairly strong) sleep med. It's the only one that actually worked for me!

Cutie 💓 pie 🐕 little NYC dog with great style 👌 😎 💖💝💘💃

🙃🫠

Next up...

Thanks 💕 😊 be to God...I found a CVS that had these lotion/hand soap 🧼 travel dispensers.  My thumb actually split open on top (my doctor when I showed her was rather shocked by how dry my hands were and immediately promised Us-based HSA medical necessity letter for buying needed Aveeno lotion and handsoap). 👍👌🫠

I am happy cozy at home 🏡 ☺️ after being in NYC. MY eyes still don't have normal night vision yet so got home just before totally dark! ☺️👍

Snack at a diner in NYC

I have a cute little travel sized blanket (easy to throw in the wash after use too!) that I used today again!

I still get a little manic especially as the day wears on but I am much better than I was! Husband, doctor and others all agree!

I can't yet easily respond to blog comments (etc) but I am reading and encouraged by each one! ☺️💗

I am beyond relieved to be getting consistent sleep 😴 💤 

Now I am stabilizing in both body and mind. 

Thanks God 💕 and thank you for your prayers 🙏❤️

life changing days

Today is my spiritual father and Matushka last Sunday before they move out of State  🙏 

10 years we have had their protection and ministry blessing us.

DV I will be there... my Husband has duties at our other church.... it will be a bittersweet day...

I have been grieving but also hoping 🙏 in God for what/who is next 🙏 

I finally am sleeping at night thx to a sleep med. 

I think I had a question about bone density loss/health.

Every person is different. Some are going to need a good endocrinologist and Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). Taking a calcium citrate and Vit D is a MUST. Figure out calcium rich foods. And *move your body* take a daily walk. I have regained significantly by consistent walking. If you do strength training be careful perhaps consult a professional so you don't injure yourself.  Key is to not give up about it.... be proactive!

Ok. Please pray for us 🙏 

May God guide us save us and have mercy 🙏❤️

still here

Wow has it been hard. 

I just got approved for the one sleep med that helps to be taken nightly. This past night I only got 1.5 hours sleep. If my insomnia decreases I can actually stabilize mentally and physically. 

Asking prayers for just that. 

It's been very hard on my Husband and myself. 

I will be back here as I am able 💙🙏💙🕯💙

I went to NYC Tuesday. I went to church this morning. The baptism weekend was wonderful. 💙🕯💙🙏🩵🕯🩵