Wednesday, May 02, 2018

Feast of Mid-Pentecost 2018

Liturgy was so beautiful.
The sunlight on the small dome and Cross.
The light.  The expanse.  So beautiful. 
I had lunch with a friend, went to NYC after
on the PATH train and got some bins for linen closet.
I wish I could articulate though things that I feel inside more clearly;
the deep wish for some many I know who are struggling and in need of
deep physical/mental/spiritual rest. 
The suffering.
I saw a homeless woman today, sign said words about homeless because of
domestic violence. Her name is Andrea if I remember right (I asked).
It was so hot today.  So much suffering. 
I have a lot of nice things right now,
new bins and containers to organize things.
A nice little jewelry box too; 
And soon to VNA where I will probably find something nice,
as usual.
Inside though, I feel this surrounding sadness, seeing the suffering of others;
I can get tripped up sometimes by this and have to step back.
I am the type of person who is aware that if I buy clothes made in a non-affluent country,
the person making the clothes may be suffering; I feel guilty (why them, why not me)
and so I pray for them, I think of them, weary and struggling.
And I am thinking a lot about death,
about my +Aunt Karen, about the mystery of life, the mystery of death;
how our life is important to the Lord but is yet a vapor and we will be gone
soon like the flowers of the field and so we pray 
Memory Eternal, may God remember us when no one else on earth does.
How is it that one day I can be young and then in my 20s and now in my early 40s 
and someday, if God so grants, will be elderly and perhaps a widow,
since my Husband is over 10 years older than I and it is all a mystery
and then death, the door to the new life, eternal life that I want to spend forever 
with my Lord Christ and my family, all those I know, all those I love or struggle to love.
My Aunt Karen's death has thrown a lot off for me and I am still trying
to grapple with it all and come to a better understanding
and it's just going to take a lot of time...and I have to accept that...
and trust God with this...
I buy big candles for her to light for her as newly departed in church...
The store I bought the pretty outfit in the day after my Aunt's funeral
is closing and that feels like a big loss.
The restaurant in my hometown in MI where I would see my Aunt Karen, her husband my 
Uncle L, my parents, my Grandma and others, has been closed for 2 weeks
for a family emergency. It does seem that they are reopening.
I can't tell you how glad I am of this.  I felt like I was surrounded by loss of things
that were very familiar to me at home for many years...
And yet here I am and the unbloggable is tiring and there is not end for it yet.
We are doing the best we can and we thank God that this year,
so far, we have not been sick and that alone is a huge improvement...
yet somethings are still quite difficult...
And so in many things there is this sadness,
and trying to deal with it in the right way and knowing that I am not fully
dealing with it the right way but yet God forgives....
And I keep wanting to quilt, to sew, to make something,
maybe next week. It is pushed off and off.
I have barely been to quilt guild, have not sewn in months. 
I am behind on a lot of things, the travel I did,
the loss, the business of this season. 
I have something significant the next 3 weekends...
Well... that is that and I have to keep trusting God for His mercy.


Tracy said...

Dear In Christ Elizabeth! How much I read this, and how much this resonates with me too... I feel so much the same about so much, as you do, wondering about all the suffering among people and the world. If I carry it long, it does weight my heart down... it's not easy. I have to be careful with news exposure, etc... too much, and it makes me feel so sad a lot, as there is seldom good news share in the media. I pray all the time for the relief of suffering, putting fragile people and this fragile world in God's great hands. Prayer is so powerful! Lighting a candle is so powerful! I'm glad in between it all you find bright moments--they are little gifts, gifts from God. :) This time of year is sooo busy. So much seems to happen all at once. Sometimes I have to remember to stop and breathe... LOL! May we keep breathing, keep going, and keep trusting in His GREAT mercy! God Bless you, my friend! ((HUGS))

Mat. Anna said...

Yes, the church is so beautiful. Thank God we are permitted glimpses of heaven while still fighting the battle on earth! It reminds us of our true home, just as a soldier in the stress and pain of battle sees something small that reminds him of home, and peace and comfort. We should long for heaven just as he longs to go home. Keep fighting the good fight! You’re surrounded by fellow soldiers.

Elizabeth @ The Garden Window said...

God grant you strength and peace, dear Elizabeth xxx