As I was standing in church for vespers tonight, I felt relieved. Yes, my life is not what I thought it would be. Yes, my ideals have been challenged, shattered and changed. Yes, life is hard.
I remembered how when I was even younger, I had a full list of what I thought I would do for the next ten years.
THANK GOD that nothing on that list happened. My ideas and ideals for my life, as someone very young in the faith, do not often match what God has for me.
I can say that how things have worked are better than what I would of planned.
So I am left not, as I would of thought years ago, if my ideals were shattered and I became increasingly aware of the fact, with wreckage. Or not a wreckage that is irredeemable!
The Church gives the foundation for how to live; my local church and the monastery I visit also give direction.
I have to seek to do as I was taught and see what my life is now, for what it is, instead of what I thought it would be.
I feel in ways like a young child, exploring a new place for the first time.
This is my life now; may God show me how, and give me the willingness, to live it.
7 comments:
Very insightfully written about the outer "good" trappings of life that are still insufficient, and people of faith can fall into this also.
I feel your hope and stirring new realisations that your latest entry gives. Thank you for sharing all this and thanks be to God!
thank you E-H. I appreicate your time in reading and your kindness.
I think I just had to come to terms with how things are, what I had thought, etc.
yes, there is hope. I am aware also that I have a lot of work to do! but only with God's mercy and grace. Thank God!
E.
Glad to hear you are working things through.
Peace.
I love this post, such a beautiful way of putting this feeling.
thank you very much R-W. Yeah, growing up seems to be a process!
thanks Mimi, your always such an encouragement!
I admire you for being brave enough to look back on what you thought your life would be like 10 years ago. I think I am similar to you in a lot of ways.
thanks K. yes, i think we are similar for sure. i am doing a lot of adjusting internally and trying to figure out what to do and what happened and all those things...
May God uphold us with His mercy
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