Friday Sunshine and Struggle

More problems with the tenant.

I cannot go into detail but suffice that I have a difficult

neighbour and my landlords do not know how

to resolve the situation.

I will be making phone calls on Monday

regarding this situation.

Letters have already been delivered.

I continue to be wrongly told about possible

support for me while I continue to job search;

hope found and dashed.

I have 4 jobs to work on over the weekend,

but I know that these are very publicly posted jobs

with many applicants -

what is my chance of success?

Yet God is our support, our help;

at least when I get overwhelmed I have God to cry out to;

I can't imagine those who do not have Christ.

I am so blessed.

I have a family that cares about me;

a Grandmother who prays for all of us,

a loving mother

loving friends

loving blog friends

a loving God.

Comfort

I see this light of my lampada

when ever I look up.

Christ light has pierced the darkness

and the darkness will not over come it.

They sought for a city

I've been listening to Nana Peradze

sing Kyrie Eleison

throughout today.

*

My job seeking appointment was rescheduled.

*

Had further problems with a tenant in my building

petty stuff that needs not mentioning

just that it is frustrating

and is part of my life right now.

*

I keep thinking of Elizabeth Goudge's phrase

they sought for a city

from her book Linnets and Valerians

and of the hope of redemption in people's lives.

*

I think I have been sitting wrong,

lots of pain in the shoulder blade area.

Pain though can be redemptive, I pray.

*

I too have sought for a city.

*

4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.

Psalm 46:4-5

Tuesday Mid-November - white skies with sun

Can't tell you how good it always feels

to say "hello" here.

Well.

Today was another try to recover day.

Strangest cold - fairly good during the day

bad at night

or vice versa.

However:

Tomorrow I am GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Can you tell I am excited?

After being house-bound for days on end, I'm sure you understand.

Even Cleo understands :)

So tomorrow I will try to do another step in job hunting

locally.

Great talk with my Mom today

about how we don't always understand God's plan or His timing.

And so often His timing is rather 11th hourish.

Fun picture from last August

when I was seeing the the Dale C. exhibit.

*

I am ignoring the fact that I just sneezed again.

*

My Mom and I have also been talking about

the fact that Christmas is just over a month away

and I don't have the money to go home

for Christmas.

Well.

I am trying to take all this in stride;

including the fact that I would be breaking my tradition of being at

my beloved monastery for New Years;

my family may come in January to Canada.

I knew all along that when I went home in August

that it may be my Christmas

visit for this year and I did get to go to the monastery

during this time...

*

Been thinking about these verses today, from Psalm 37 (NKJV)

25 I have been young, and now am old;
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
Nor his descendants begging bread.
39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;
He is their strength in the time of trouble.
40 And the LORD shall help them and deliver them;
He shall deliver them from the wicked,
And save them,
Because they trust in Him.

*

Jodie Anna gave us a real treat today in providing this song:

Nana Peradze singing "Kyrie Eleison" by Patriarch Ilia II

Thank you, my friend

for a song that seems to simultaneously capture

the prayer for mercy

deep beauty

and the sense of all that is beautiful and hoped for.

*

May God show us the desires of our hearts

and may Christ fill them.

Reflections on one's Quest

Just read this post by Fr. Michael

where he speaks of women

my age about

who are in different places - one married with children

one wanting to be married with children

both feeling unfulfilled and like they really are not doing what

they are fully called to do.

*

I know first hand the pain for the second

unmarried, loves kids, no suitable husband to be found

and I have girlfriends who are also in this situation.

This is a mystery I cannot solve,

why some seem to easily find a spouse

and some who may never do so.

But I also know, which is what Fr. Michael was getting at,

the confusion and pain of feeling like one's

goals and dreams were not met or

did not or will not happen.

*

I honestly don't know, at this juncture, if I will get a library job

or not.

Or if I will find work that I really dreamed of doing.

But I am wondering about this and if in the long run if it matters.

Now dreams I think do matter,

I think they speak of what we value and what we find beautiful.

Believe me, I still have my dreams.

BUT.

I have been wondering if we in North America, and affluent parts of Europe,

are just really spoiled and think whatever would most fulfill is

is our right to have and to pursue.

How is the right to have or pursue what fulfills us Christian?

Did Jesus come to earth to find personal fulfillment?

Did Christ come to save us merely because it would make Him

fulfilled? Somehow pridefully satisfied at His accomplishment?

NO.

He came in utter poverty.

He emptied Himself of His Glory so that we could see Him

and not be blinded by the brilliance of Him as He really is

and is show in the Brilliant Light of the Transfiguration.

Christ came in utter humility,

teaching us that as we see Him, so we see the Father.

The Holy Trinity being God

lives in perfect love and communion with each other.

They are not self-seeking but love;

God is fully full in Himself

and utterly loving towards us,

humble.

*

How badly we have gotten it wrong,

to think that the measure stick of our lives should be

what fulfills us.

How damaging, how lamentable, how lost.

*

Somehow the meaning of our life will never be found in,

as Fr. Michael discusses,

in 'bagging experiences' and a list of what we want to do and experience

before we die.

*

Our life is to be Christ's.

The Church, as is the Orthodox understanding,

is our spiritual hospital,

for our healing, for our salvation.

The fasts are for our healing, medicine for us;

as is Confession, and the other sacraments.

*

Now I am not sure what this means on practical terms for me,

other than it is better to give my dreams to Christ

and even let them die

than to lose Christ.

Fr. Michael speaks of

being transformed into Christ who the Church Fathers

point to as the Good Samaritan.

To love others.

For the one married with children to me it seems more clear -

the children you have are your neighbour,

are the first one's your minister to.

How much you can do outside of this is up to God.

How we singles who need to be self-supporting and the

unique challenge we have,

it is not always as clear, how to have one's selfishness

rubbed off of ourselves;

but with Christ all is possible.

*

Somehow, regardless of our dreams,

which may or may not be fulfilled,

the point within them must be turned to Christ

and must be for our salvation

and other's salvation

and not for the self-fulfillment

that the world has confused with salvation.

Lord help us.

Choices on a sunny November Monday Morning

Dear friends of mine bought me needed

sick-supplies after church

yesterday;

I was almost out of honey.

I told them I may be coming down with a cold

now that I seem over the flu itself

and could they get a box of Kleenex?

Well.

Sadly that cold has come and I think I may need more

than 1 more box!

So that leads to some choices.

First,

to take care of myself.

My oatmeal with flax, seeds and raisins is about ready;

my tea is steeping,

OJ made, honey ready.

Second though,

I need to care for my inner life.

This is always a challenge in illness of whatever kind

but I have gotten some hints of what is important to do:

1. Be thankful. Rejoice in all the good you do have

like my friends who supplied me with Kleenex and honey

and another friend is bringing me homemade soup for lunch

and that God loves us. Etc.

2. Keep my vigil lamp lit

3. Remember God

4. Rest and trust God that even though I am a bit 'down for the count'

still and can't fully be out job searching today

that He will still provide for me.

5. Read some good books. I am thinking I am going to re-read a bit

about St. John of Shanghai and Sans Fransisco.

*

Now please don't think I am all good just because I write

these things; rather that I need to be reminded

myself to maintain a sense of peace and good

attitude about my current situation.

I guess that is in part what I try to do here

on this blog, now days,

is maintain a better focus on what is true and what I need

to remember.

*

Meanwhile, I do hope this head cold can go away soon;

but for today, I will continue to rest.

*

Here's some great posts I've enjoyed today:

Molly's post on Being with Christ

David's about the relics of St. Vladimir

Fr. Stephen on the Nativity Fast

*

May God help us in this day to remember Him

and stay always with Christ.

The hope we are given

Unusually for me,

I stayed home to continue my recovery,

instead of going to Sunday Liturgy.

It is, however, good to rest,

knowing that I have my spiritual father's blessing to do so

and that the prayers of the church were going on.

Read this beautiful quote:

"As the unborn babe in his mother's womb is not at once fashioned into a man,

but the image is formed by degree and born, and even then is not full grown,

but takes many years to develop and become a man;

and again,

as the seeds of barely or of wheat do not rot the moment they are put into

the ground, but cold and wind pass over them,

and then in due time the ears form;

and the man who plants a pear tree does not at once

partake of the fruit; so likewise in spiritual things, where there is so much

wisdom and delicacy employed, it is only little by little that a man

grows and comes to a prefect man, to the measure of stature

(Eph 4:13), not as some say, "Off with one coat, and on with another."

-Saints Barsanuphius and John

(from the 2007 Daily Lives, Miracles and Wisdom of the Saints

and Fasting Calendar for November 1st).

Also today, I read this by St. Nikolai Velimirovic,

about Holy Communion:

"Children take milk from their mothers, which is the mother's

flesh and blood, and by that food their bodies grow.

Similarly, we are taking Christ's flesh and blood in communion,

and by that food our souls are growing and ripening."

*

What blessings and hope God gives us in the Church!

Friday - Sunshine and Quiet

I write

by lamplight and candles lit by my living room icons.

The doctor thinks I have some sort of flu.

One thing at a time.

One of the good things of sickness is when it quiets you.

At least for myself when I don't feel well physically

suddenly I realize that all those things

I was worried about

don't really matter too much

and that God is here and it is He that is in control,

not myself.

Now I do hope I will be well again soon and that when I am

I can somehow by God's grace

maintain some of this quiet...

Soup

Here's the soup!

My slow cooker is not new,

as you can tell!

Works great though.

It tasted pretty good;

needed a bit of salt and pepper;

would be yummy pureed

but I don't want to bother with more work!

*

Sadly, though, I was not able to fully enjoy this new

fun fall soup

as I have come down with some sort of flu-like sickness.

No fun!

Been resting all day and trying not to worry about

the fact that I was not able to do much job searching.

God is with us.

Wednesday - Full of Sunlight

Did I ever show you how Cleo will sit in my

dinner chair as if the food is for her?!

Silly Cleo.

Job Search:

no news.

Slow.

Food:

I made a cashew butternut apple lentil soup

for my slow cooker.

Looking forward to that tomorrow.

The other day I won a lovely book

to read to the lovely 3 year old

that I mentioned I read bedtime and other time stories to.

I won Jane G. Meyer's The Man and the Vine

and I am looking forward to having this book!

I already told 3 year old's mother that is coming

as the latest book reading installment!

Yesterday I shared the Olivia book with him...

I know other young kids who I would love to share Jane's book with...

*

Wanted to alert anyone who did not know already,

Jane has another contest this week

for her book

The Woman and the Wheat and 4 other books as well!

Be sure to go over,

if you have youngish kids for these books,

and enter!

*

And now, as the sun is setting

an hour earlier,

I need to go clean up for yet another dinner

to keep Cleo away from... :)

Remembering

About a year ago I had problems in

looking for an apartment;

some of my readers will remember

how 2 weeks before I was to move the apartment I was moving into

was suddenly refused to me

and I did not know where I would move to in 2 weeks time.

*

I remember telling my priest something to the effect of

'don't you see what is happening to me? my life is OVER'

well, I didn't say that exactly

but my anxiety was high and I felt like something was terribly wrong,

that I was now in this situation.

I remember the smile and peaceful response to my

panic.

*

It was like I was being told,

yes, I see exactly what is happening to you.

Well it took me a while later to see this,

but here is what happened - I was being kept from harm:

1. I was released suddenly from what would of been a bad

landlord experience for me.

2. I was given the apartment I am in now, which

is the one I wanted in the first place.

3. I heard later on in the year that the place I was going to live in

had a fire in it - I could of lost everything.

*

I had asked for God's help and Archangel Michael's help

and I was protected and taken care of,

even when all I could see was not having a place to live in two weeks time.

*

Still today I seem to fail at remembering this,

anxious about job situations, job finding, French language, Ottawa job situation

and on and on the list goes.

Oh what little faith!

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

Goodness and Hope

My Mom, Dad and Aunt are visiting

my Oma, other Aunts and Uncles.

I just talked to my Mom

and she said that my Aunt

whose house burnt down in September

was just telling her Mom

my Oma,

who will God willing be 102 years old this Christmas Eve (December 24)

that a lot of her photos,

boxes of them,

have been spared

as the fire did not destroy all of the main floor.

My Aunts friends are helping her dry out the pictures

(it took 5 firetrucks worth of water to overcome the fire

that raged most of the night / early morning hours).

I asked my Mom what the house looked like -

devastation she said;

outside walls still standing.

But I am so hearted by what was spared.

My Uncle's work clothes, my Aunt's dishes,

tea pot, silverware,

their new wood stove,

many of the doilies my Oma made

my Opa's Martinitoren!!

(His cross stitch I mentioned in the September post)

Just that my Aunt has her dishes, many of her pictures

(we do not know about the wedding pictures),

my Uncle's work clothes.

That is very heartening.

Though losing everything else

is understandably still significant.

But I am so thankful that in God's mercy that

He preserved some of what my Aunt and Uncle had.

I am still so happy about one of my loved one's getting

a full time job

after years of trying to scramble enough money to live

by doing various part time jobs.

Michelle's post on God's peace

and the song she put with it,

was an encouragement to me this morning,

and the song is so beautiful and uplifting.

*

I am working on three various job applications and have a forth to do

next week as well.

I am still dealing with some unbloggable stuff

but so is everyone and

God is with us.

It is hard to maintain one's encouragement and stamina

but with God's help I will make it through

and I pray that God will help us all

make it through our various trials in this life...

Finally Friday

Cleo and I hanging out;

Okay, you can't see me of course....

She and I are not quite sure how long we have to just

'hang out'

before I get some type of job

but I thought this picture to be fun and amusing.

Picture from this morning;

Cleo my hen.

She is so funny.

She will sometimes, esp. when she wants attention,

sit on the back of my chair,

like you see here,

when I am sitting on it.

Up close and wanting personal attention,

that's my Cleo Cat.

Sigh.

Dreaming of another day.

Found out today that I did not get the Ottawa job.

Mixed feelings about this; a bit glum;

but also quiet now.

Glum is such a great word though, you know?

So the anxiety department in my life has been a bit disorderly.

So any of you who think I radiate peace all the time

think again...

I'm just a human and broken as anyone.

*

But in the goodness department,

since the anxiety department has been wanting to run loose and ignore

Psalm 46

one of my loved ones got a full time job today!

Can't tell you how happy I am for this.

*

And apparently I am getting a gift card for some inconvenience

regarding a purchase I made a while ago in the States

that ended up being impossible to pay online.

I am hoping to buy a scarf and hat with it

(I already picked it out online, terrible, aren't I?!)

*

I have two job applications to finish this weekend

since they are due this weekend

and Monday I hope go to see about in-between work while I wait.

*

Am really feeling like I did not get either job;

I know officially today I did not get the one here;

the fact that the other one did not get back to me yet

even though I emailed

tells me that I probably did not get that one either.

*

I may be getting a cold again.

*

November is certainly here;

crazy weather and uncertain days.

Well,

Christ never promised us that it would be easy,

just that He would be with us in it.

*

Thank you again so much for your kindness, prayers and comments.

It means so much to me right now.

I thank God for each of you.

*

And Cleo assures me that she adores the attention,

even though she plays shy...

*

Okay.

Back to the cover letter writing...

Thanks again everyone.

Request

Just a short request -

I love my blog,

You all know I love my blog community.

But I need to keep some distance between my blog-life

and professional life.

So...

if you have a suggestion for a job ad that you see,

which of course I welcome,

could you email me instead of leaving a comment?

I would appreciate this and I do thank you all

for your comments and support.

so to email me in the blog world

...

roosjeblog

@

yahoo.ca

Thanks!

First Thursday in November - Hope because there is a River

I love this picture because it speaks to me of hope

of new life,

of how God does not snuff out the smoldering wick

or destroy the bruised reed.

I love God because His ways are so much greater than mine

and He is strong

and is within the city of God -

4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
Psalm 46: 4-5 NKJV

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Psalm 46:1-5 NIV

I love the NKJV for

God shall help her, just at the break of dawn

for it reminds me of Elizabeth Goudge's book The Middle Window

which I read an old library copy of years ago

(wish I owned it!)

and the knight separated from his king who he loved

on a dark weary mountain

in a battle that he heard the king was losing

still kept going

even in the darkness

for his faith and love in his king.

"God will help her at the break of dawn"

*

I love this verse also in the NIV

"Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

I vividly remember in a Geology class at Calvin years ago

my professor showed us an old film, on a film reel,

of earthquakes and mountains falling into the heart of the sea

and quoted these verses from Psalm 46.

I will never for get this professor's love and faith in God

and his understanding of Psalm 46.

God is strong

stronger than my favourite tree,

whose strong large trunk and roots you see.

*

I am recognizing in the midst of the stress I am currently in

dwindling savings

no job yet

no family who can lend me money

(but St. Nicholas has provided for me through his prayers to Christ before

and I asked God and St. Nicholas for a job for Christmas)

and the efforts I am making

and other non-bloggable stress in my life

that I am a bit burnt out right now.

When I say 'a bit' this can be translated as 'I truly am'

once a relative of mine emailed me that he was 'a bit sick'

and he was medically evacuated from where he was living.

So yes, I am a bit burnt out right now.

I can see the effects of stress in my life in various ways

and know that I must keep trying but

also try to keep myself afloat;

eat as well as I can

rest when I need it

and keep trying to do the things I need to do for getting a job.

*

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her, just at the break of dawn.

*

We are all in various inner battles that are difficult;

I know I am not alone in struggles,

no, we are all broken, weak and tired,

but we must hold out,

for there is a river whose streams make glad the city of God.

Wednesday - November Sun on Golden Leaves

The Cross of Christ.

Oh God how we need His saving help.

I love this tree.

It is my favourite tree.

So big, strong - reminds me of God as our Father.

There is a river who makes glad the city of God.

How I long for this river.

Soup

It is a sunny day here again in Ottawa.

*

Today I thought I would ask for your recipe suggestions for

Potato Soup...

I am looking for yummy, simple and economical.

Any suggestions?

*

I just found out that there is a career fair I could go to;

not so much for librarian jobs

but maybe other jobs.

I solicit any encouragement or thoughts on this

and also if you have ever gone to one,

how did it go for you?

Four books and some great links

On this November Day

I went out to do an errand and on the way found

a book sale with really good prices.

So I got these four books!

First,

pictured above,

And Mrs Carter Wore Pink

which is beautifully illustrated

and I think I am going to find a nice quiet solace

of a book in it.

I had one of these books when I was a kid -

the one I had was on Louis Pasteur

and had the theme of 'you can do it';

I loved that book so much that I asked my

long-suffering Mom to read it to me over and over;

so much that I told my Preschool Teacher about the boy in the book

who was bit by the rabid dog

and the next time she saw my Mom she asked about

how that poor neighbour boy was doing

and it took a minute for my Mom to realize I was telling the teacher

about the book!

I love Olivia!

Can you believe I got this book,

with dust jacket intact

for only 1.00!

All 4 books were 1 dollar each so not bad for 4.00.

*

So something very good in the day

even if I did not get those two jobs,

*sniff*

*

Also wanted to be sure to share some cool links with you that

I have enjoyed of late,

just in case you did not see them...

A new post by Fr. Stephen on suffering and the 1-storey universe

...if you have not read Fr. Stephen's writing on how we

in the West have lived like we live in a 2 storey universe

when really it is a 1 storey universe,

I would take a look and read.

*

Fr. Gabriel Bunge who wrote the lovely book on

Rublev's Trinity

has recently been received into the Orthodox Church;

I encourage you to read the link; it is beautiful.

*

I loved this recent Saint Story on Saint Anastasia the Roman

and how she saved a man when the Theotokos asked her to;

it is a sweet and comforting.

November 1 2010 - cool skies and sunshine

Cleo my lovely companion cat.

*

I told my Mom today that I was thinking

since I still don't have news

from the 2 jobs I have been waiting for

that perhaps I did not get them.

This makes me sad

even though there are other jobs I am applying for,

hoping for.

Sigh and deep breath.

So I am trying to start the process to look for other types of work.

It's tough going.

I am a librarian.

Pretty much all my work experience is in libraries.

I am often over-qualified for other jobs....

Needing prayer and God's mercy as always;

my money won't last forever

but I trust that God's mercy will.

A beautiful November sky line;

you can see the blue of my computer screen reflecting back...

I've had these roses since I graduated from library school.

My church family who came to the restaurant to love me

and say goodbye and meet my family

all at once

gave me these roses.

I really want to be a librarian again.

Please God, that I get a job.