Thursday, June 17, 2021

Thursday: challenges


This week has been hard.
Super crazy bad sleeps.
Last night I not only woke up at 3 AM but was
crying after reading some things and did not get 
back to sleep till 7.
I am not even fully sure why I had tears.
I have guesses.
I think I am having a hard time with the crazy way this 
pandemic changed so much.
I have lost so many people locally and otherwise
and am weary and sad.
I am also trying to work on my writing project which is
big, evolving and is the biggest research project I've ever done.
And I've done some big ones.
It is stretching me, challenging me and pushing me.
My Husband shared this quote recently:

Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
I feel like my writing project may be that very thing I am called to do.
But I have had so many things go 'bust' in my life.
Books I was reading,
routines I was building, 
art (sewing) I used to do
Knitting that I never really kept up on.
Now I am writing and reading and researching
and not cooking or baking as much.
I can't even blog as much.
So it's like this really strange lonely thing
where I am putting my time, effort, attention, everything,
into this project and I don't even know if it will get off the ground.
Yet it is a project that has given me so much joy, so much
to mull over, so much to learn.
It's like the perfect one for me.  
But boy.  It's hard.
Esp not knowing what I am doing and if this is going anywhere
and will I have the support I need when I need it?
I am thinking about that last part a lot.
I feel like we are all so weary, so burdened and so many of
us are just wishing for a friend, for some sort of support
and it's there but not there and in ways I feel
overwhelmed by the emptiness of visible support.
So I am sorry I am not always around like I used to be.
I miss that. 
I am still trying to get my footing.
Well. It feels good to be here.
My old routine :)
I pray you are well, or if struggling like most of us,
that in the struggle, you have something.
Some way forward, the next step.
The light in darkness, 
a comforting moment, a bit of peace,
a reminder that you are loved.
And that God loves us more than anyone else can.
God keep you dear ones.


karen said...

the pandemic has adversely affected me and I don't know when or if I will be the same. I guess I'm assuming I'll be new and improved? The move to be near family was spurred on by the pandemic...

Granny Marigold said...

I'm concerned that you're under too much pressure and trying to get more done than you have time and energy for. Please take time to relax and enjoy your days.