Thursday: challenges

 

This week has been hard.

Super crazy bad sleeps.

Last night I not only woke up at 3 AM but was

crying after reading some things and did not get 

back to sleep till 7.

I am not even fully sure why I had tears.

I have guesses.

I think I am having a hard time with the crazy way this 

pandemic changed so much.

I have lost so many people locally and otherwise

and am weary and sad.

I am also trying to work on my writing project which is

big, evolving and is the biggest research project I've ever done.

And I've done some big ones.

It is stretching me, challenging me and pushing me.

***

My Husband shared this quote recently:

Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

***

I feel like my writing project may be that very thing I am called to do.

***

But I have had so many things go 'bust' in my life.

Books I was reading,

routines I was building, 

art (sewing) I used to do

Knitting that I never really kept up on.

Now I am writing and reading and researching

and not cooking or baking as much.

I can't even blog as much.

So it's like this really strange lonely thing

where I am putting my time, effort, attention, everything,

into this project and I don't even know if it will get off the ground.

Yet it is a project that has given me so much joy, so much

to mull over, so much to learn.

It's like the perfect one for me.  

But boy.  It's hard.

Esp not knowing what I am doing and if this is going anywhere

and will I have the support I need when I need it?

***

I am thinking about that last part a lot.

I feel like we are all so weary, so burdened and so many of

us are just wishing for a friend, for some sort of support

and it's there but not there and in ways I feel

overwhelmed by the emptiness of visible support.

***

So I am sorry I am not always around like I used to be.

I miss that. 

I am still trying to get my footing.

***

Well. It feels good to be here.

My old routine :)

***

I pray you are well, or if struggling like most of us,

that in the struggle, you have something.

Some way forward, the next step.

The light in darkness, 

a comforting moment, a bit of peace,

a reminder that you are loved.

And that God loves us more than anyone else can.

***

God keep you dear ones.