And all changes

Small picture of my gold chair and Cleo.

*

Now that it is over, 

it is a relief to be out of that apartment. 

It was not always an easy place to live and 

I am glad for what is my new future home.

Yet it was chosen and given as

the place where love would grow...

*

Gone with it is my gold chair.

It was my Dad's chair, 

we have a picture of him 

holding us kids when we were infants

in it.

*

Cleo is doing well;

she is tended by a good cat sitter down South

who emailed reassurances to us.

*

Orthoman is here.

I am so happy he is here.

I am really excited to marry him.

*

I can't imagine leaving my church.

7 years now.

So many life changing events there.

Leaving my spiritual father

my father confessor

my gentle father

is unfathomable. 

*

I trust God.

I am so thankful for monasteries.

We go to the Greek one

God willing tomorrow. 

*

I had a wonderful weekend visit

with my sister-friend.

*

I am physically exhausted.

My throat hurts.

The move day was hard.

There was no one to help me;

one friend got sick;

I did not get to my other friends house till after midnight.

*

My church is going to do evening teaching 

on the church again this fall.

These were my favourite.

I can't even begin to describe how special those evenings 

are to me; how I would feel like a girl in my 

father's house,

how the light inside the church would enfold and comfort us.

How it felt like a warm safe refuge from a rough and confusing world.

How the Icons are, what it sounds like,

the vividness of remembering specific prayer services;

Akathists, molebens, teachings, vespers, lityas.

The gold wood floor,

the progression of my churches iconography

and the deepening of beauty.

The choir's strength and song.

Remembering those early years and how we would all

wait in line for confession;

watching younger kids go to confession and 

how loving it all was and is.

*

I weep and I cry but I am at the same time

comforted by the memory of the early mornings in my new home

that I am making with my Orthoman;

how that kitchen is a refuge with the icons and the lampada to St. George

lit bright and beautifully shining

and my icons to St. Seraphim and St. Katherine. 

*

I do not know why or how I ever deserved the man I am marrying. 

He is truly the perfect fit for me and 

I can't tell you how wonderful;

it is not describable; 

I am not talking about perfection

but about God's mercy and the paradise of new beginnings.

*

It is possible to be calm

in deep grief

and yet so much in the beginnings of being in love

and wanting to learn to love

one's beloved.

*

I can't wait to be with my beloved.

*

And to be at liturgy with my church and my beloved

is a deep blessing.

*

The last thing my Grandfather John ever said to me

is that 

prayer is the best thing.