Unexpected Provision

So, nearly a month ago I stood by my icon corner and specifically asked God if I could have a 5-shelf bookshelf. I was able to go to the store that night and my friend’s dad assembled it for me. I had been thinking since then that I really wished I had a little night stand to put my alarm clock, glasses and the like on. Never thought to ask God for it. After I came back from grocery shopping (it got hot and humid here so I was out buying summerish food) someone had left a nightstand and two lamps (a tall one and a short cute squat one) by the side of the road! They are now cleaned and in my apartment – I had really wanted a lamp for my dinning room area, and again had not thought to ask for it. So I felt so encouraged. And this morning I read Psalm 120 and 121 and felt like maybe I could actually believe that God will take care of me and bring me back to Ottawa, with a job. That things were not going to suddenly go terribly wrong and that, with God’s grace, I could work towards my goal of returning Ottawa and it could happen.

I feel that I need a lot of wisdom to know how to best care for my future, and how to think of it; how to prepare and what to do to find a job… I think what I will ask now is for this wisdom…

Finishing up

I am done with my paper that is due today! – I had to start over a third of it over late Friday night because I misunderstood the database, as I was unfamiliar with it! Live and learn…

I am so tired though and slept very poorly last night – I am looking forward to being home tonight with my cat!

Down below it was Memorial Day (in Canada we have Victoria Day, which is a week before) and my family was camping for the weekend. I missed being able to call them and even more missed camping with them! I love the woods, camp fires, pizza's made on the fire and s'mores. Oh well.

It has been fun to read the blogs of those of us who are traveling! I will not be doing much traveling this summer, though I will go down to see my friend get married in about two weeks.

reflections on the place (time) i am in...

I am in the central library of my little city right now; I am on the third floor, and have window seat as it were for the tops of buildings; I can see the spires of an old church in the distance. It is quiet here; I am aware also of the loneliness of my surroundings; not the books, or the people treading quiet on carpet, but that I am in library school and often feel like I do not quite fit. For instance, it is surprisingly unusual for library students to go to public libraries as a public place; for me I go usually every Saturday. I am Orthodox and there is only one person at my church near my age in my little London church; this person I know only by acquaintance; he is often gone because of his work and though we share the same church space, I feel that we are worlds apart. I find the realization of my loneliness, no matter how temporary, to be hard. It is where the mire of self-pity tempts me the most—that I am different and somehow alone.

When I was in Ottawa I was sometimes aware of loneliness there—that I was new in town, that people at the church I love do not know me well (save a few exceptions) but I was usually happy at church, esp. when I would be feeding people, cleaning up or spending time with specific people. I miss my spiritual father there so much – I could feel better just sitting next to him or nearby. I had never experience this sort of thing before—a loving father who can also guide me in spiritual things. Not that I did not have wonderful priests before—not at all—but with all my moving around and the past uncertainty in my life, I never made the connection like I have with the priest at my church there. I feel so lucky, so blessed (an old version of the Psalms in the BCP uses the word ‘luck’ so I for one do not mind using this word) to have had the many experiences at my church. I long to return, more and more.

If I fear anything right now, one of the top fears is that I will not be able to return; that I will have to continue to live in exile. And I think in some ways I have been living in exile for a very long time, so this desire is very present within me. Yet I have hope—yes, hope in God; also hope in things I have presently: doing the flowers for my little church here, my friends, the Akatist I am praying slowly through one page per night, in the fact that God has provided for me every step of the way; that I have been taught by my spiritual father that God takes our desires into account, that I can sincerely and humbly present my request, my desire to live in Ottawa, to Him; that God listens; cares; saves.

What greater hope is there than this! How blessed I am…



I am in my program’s smallish library now; late last night, as I was sitting in my old gold chair, journaling, with Cleo the Cat near by, I realized that one of the reasons I had been more aware of loneliness is because my week has been so intense—I have been gone daily between 10 and 13 plus hours from home, working on school work—I find that I feel really isolated when I work so much. Like I am suddenly disconnected from my family, friends, sense of place; as if calling my parents (I do this quite often) was like talking to them after days and days of being away. I have a paper to finish this morning (I am exhausted and do not want to even look at it) and then after a 3 hour class this afternoon, and a meeting after that, I have to start my next paper – it is due Monday (today being Thursday) and I refuse to work on it on Sunday. This means more intense work this weekend.

Thank God for His mercy; that God will sustain me through this. Pray for me if you would…

This day – the good things and the stressful things

I have been encouraged in ways – I got the loans I needed – now I should have enough for the time being. Very encouraging, this. I did one assignment that took a lot of this week’s time. I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed, as I have 6 assignments do in the next two weeks, two of which regard either a library visit or going to a city planning district to access the resources they have. In other words, a lot of TIME. I have a feeling that the next two weeks are going to be longer days and esp. longer nights. I really do not work at home much, though on Monday, Victoria Day, I will be working at home as the little library here will not be open. Wish I could take the time off, but I have too many assignments!

I am trying, in all of this, to keep my focus UpWards… CHRIST is so much bigger than all of this! Human as I am, I have a lot to learn about abiding in Christ while being in school-related business. I find the added challenge to all of this is that I am still to keep up my house, make food and do all those other things…. Last night I was home by 7 pm and I did no work and focused on more simpler things, like the pile of dishes that are now all clean, dried and put away…

And I am slowly gaining a routine with my very Cute Canadian Cat Cleo – she purred so loudly when I held and brushed her this morning. So nice. Well, I need to go make sure I have the research for my archives paper that is due next week. The topic: why do you need a policy for an archive and what problems could occur if the archive does not have one. Welcome to library school! This is quite the normal paper to write; thankfully it will not really be that difficult to do.

I have also started to do some of my Psalms readings (I try to do morning and evening) out loud in my icon corner – I think this may be a beneficial practice to seek to continue. I want so much to grow…

Second week of class

Equals three big assignments due next week; some stress for sure! The long Canadian weekend will be full of work for me. My courses are interesting, but really intense in May—it is hard to balance this and the fact that I am still setting up my apartment, learning how to best care for my beloved cat Cleo, seeing friends and/or catching up with them on the phone.

Meanwhile, I am incredibly thankful for my laptop and wireless access on campus…

In London Take Two

Well, today is going better. Wow is school going to be busy! I am still involved in a mentorship committee (am one of the 3 co-leads) and we have lots to do for this; that and I am doing a compressed course and at times have 2 assignments due a week just for this course. It will be manageable though; I just have to keep on top of things.

And I have to figure out one of my professor’s syllabi—it seems that we have a lot to do in the course—but the work will all get done.

I am hoping to go to Waterloo this weekend to hear Mother Gabriella speak – I will take the bus, as I do not have a ride. I still have to contact greyhound to be sure this will work; I have someone to pick me up once I am in Waterloo, however. So I am going to work even harder to get all my work done so I can do this. My personal rules of living while being a student is to NOT do any school work on Sunday. Some classmates who did not know me the beginning of my MLIS degree thought this was merely an ideal, not something I would do. But I have done it, by God’s grace, and know that it is how I survived the year of school I did in the past.

Well. Speaking of school, I better get started on the work…

In London

I had my first class today – it should be good. But I am also aware that my time here will be even lonelier than my first time around; all of my close friends LIS wise have graduated and my church has no one my age in it (save one guy who is in the Army and not around much; and we never really had much in common to talk about, though he is a nice guy etc). if there are any others near my age they do not always come and are Greek and well, they tend to keep to themselves; I do not really feel fully included by them. But that is okay. There are those in my little church who did welcome me back, which was nice. In general it is a place I go to pray, to do the flowers, to be transformed. It is not a place yet for me that has a lot of potential for fellowship. Though it does have some; and there are beautiful people there; and one of my friends has long ago adopted me as her little sister and this is very meaningful.

I miss my little Russian church though and those people I was getting to know a bit better.

I can see that I am going to have to keep a close watch on my internal state, that I do not fall into any sort of self-pity because I do not have what I want!!

For God knows where I should be (here) and that it is for a purpose…

bus stations

i am in detroit right now at the greyhound; there are not a lot of people around; a small girl is walking around free, content with bare feet... things are fairly peaceful...

after having only 4 hours of sleep 2 nights ago, and still not getting everything done (churchmouse and cathedral dweller helping me out tons with this) (packing an apartment during holy week -- i really do not advise it!) i made it to london ontario and my aunt took me out to a late lunch and i got to rest, talk lots when i wanted to, use her deep clawfoot tub and enjoying being in a very dutch house...

i am still exhausted; have been aware of being in grief from leaving my ottawa church and my spiritual father; it is different than when i left st. herman's. just as hard, but different circumstances.

it is has been hard to look forward to the summer in london, even though i only have 3 classes, will be able to rest a bit, will have my soon to be Cute Cat Cleo. the grief of leaving right now is so fresh and deep that nothing seems significant compared to the pain of leaving.

when i left st. herman's i barely talked for three days. okay i also had a really bad cold, but if you know me you know that it takes a lot to keep me THAT quiet!

well. i will not have much time to write at home, but once i am settled in london i hope to blog a bit more than i was able to before.

CHRIST IS RISEN!

may He rise also in our hearts, the Great Morning Star...

Just a note

To say that I am done with my job this Thursday and will not have much email access or not much guaranteed access.

So in advance I wish everyone either a good western Easter and for those who, like myself, are orthodox, I wish you a very blessed Holy Week and Pasca! How blessed we are!!!

I will be leaving Ottawa on Bright Tuesday (April 25) @ 6 am. Any and all prayers are welcome as I make this transition. It will be hard—I am leaving my first real Father Confessor; I can’t imagine, to be honest, what I will do without him and my little church here.

I am still hoping that God will send me back to Ottawa by September, when my MLIS degree will be done.

I will not have regular access to the internet until I start classes, on May 8th.

Meanwhile, may we continue to be given a blessed lent and journey of repentance...

So hard to be at work when…

It is beautiful, 15 degrees, Sunny; good bye winter clothes, hello spring clothes! I feel like a young child though, itching to be outside; it is a crime that both children and adults are kept inside on days like this. I have taken 2 walks already and crave another one, just to see the sun, walk in warm air…

I am so glad that I do not have to live in my apartment much longer—I live in a basement apartment, and while it was fine for the winter, I get very little sunlight in it; this is bad for someone who is a bit of a ‘homebody’ and wants to be home for part of the day on Saturday…

A few more hours and I can leave for the day…

It’s beginning to look like Spring!

High of 12 degrees, sunny…

Construction still going on inside my building and there are no windows that open in the building. It seems to be a trend in academic buildings—a trend that I abhor full heartedly. No breeze, fresh air! Nearly preposterous!

None the less, Sunshine is bathing Ottawa in light…

I finished re-reading Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies… I am reading, writing and journaling more; I think I am beginning to process the transition to the summer (move, school, job-searching/finding, new/old church, new/old everything) and this processing has meant less talking on the phone (a miracle), more journaling, more silence, more evenings alone.

I feel bad that I have not been able to keep up with the book reading of Great Lent on the O. Café website, but I am finding that I have to read this book a lot slower… I should of known—when ever there is a spiritual book with a lot of new material and depth in it, I read it really slowly, taking note of everything, writing quotes down, thinking about it, praying about it, etc.

So the only reading I do more quickly is books that are on a different level—like Lamott’s book…

So it is;

I am feeling more heartened today than I have in a long time; for this I am so thankful. Spring is coming… and we are in the second part of lent—we are preparing for Pasca.

Presanctified

When ever it is Friday at noon (during Lent), and I know I am not going to eat or drink until I am having communion at my little church, I think of Christ’s words, that He will not eat and drink with them until the coming of the kingdom. And I think of how we believe the church is meeting earth-heaven together, because of the Eucharist and how the kingdom has come and is coming…

Sometimes I find myself thinking, I am not going to eat or drink until tonight, when the kingdom comes.

How much more must I long for the full kingdom of God to come—when all our trials and temptations are over and we are home with God—Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

What I am doing during the day (for now)

Incase one wondered. I won’t ask if anyone was! I am writing an implementation strategy and timeline for potential future a virtual reference service (think: IM chatting with librarians to ask questions). The fun thing is that I am really enjoying this. I love researching and writing. And the edited (i.e. by others on my team, I being the lowly co-op student etc) version will be part of the projects final report. This is due next week. Which means I am getting back to work on it now… I have over 5 pages written, half of it being in a table format. Not bad I think. Not that I have edited it yet myself!

both/and or living in provision and need all at once...

It seems that I really have a place to live for the summer; I have moved so much lately that it always surprises me that things continue to workout. I have the sublet, I am getting the cat Cleo. I still have to try to get a part time job for the summer and am working on loan applications. Unfortunately I am exhausted and feel like my life never allows me to fully gain the rest that I need; I still feel that I am constantly behind on things and in this part of my life am still struggling.

As far as I know…

I am getting the sublet I mentioned in previous posts. I admit that I get nervous that good things like this will fall through. But it should be fine. Now I am just hoping that I will get the other part of my dream—my friend’s (who is getting married in June to a lovely man who is allergic to cats) cat Cleo. My friend and I have been talking about me having Cleo since last September—and now I have a sublet that can have a cat (though in Ontario actually there is a law that says pets are allowed in rented places anyway) and I am not yet sure how Cleo is getting from Michigan to Ontario.

I am really really hoping that this will work out; it is hard enough to leave friends and church family, but I am also returning to a city where most of my library friends are already gone—so I am going to a city where I do not have many people I know. Thankfully I have my little Orthodox church and a few people—but really—of those I am close to there—there are only 2 left and they are both really busy… thus to me having Cleo the Cat would be good—maybe a little less lonely, practically speaking.

Well. That’s my story for this lovely Sunny Friday in Ottawa.

Tonight is presanctified at my church and I am so glad that DV this weekend I can be at church 5 times! (including tonight).

Hope everyone has a good weekend…

Random realization

I just realized that the Greek word for “word” ‘logos’ is also the English word logos—wow. This is interesting. From Eternal Word to a word for advertising slogan/s.

I say this can be a commentary on our western/north American culture…

And perhaps also even our Christian subcultures…

An interesting thought, this…

Home

It seems that I will have the apartment near my school for the summer! This is a relief; I am encouraged by this working out…now I just have to trust that my dreams and goals for September Job-Ottawa-Apartment will also work out…

I am excited to make this apartment into a temporary summer home…

(though leaving Ottawa, my little church and spiritual father is going to be really hard, even if I am only leaving for the summer…)

pondering one's home/s

I may have a place to live this summer! I have to go back to school to finish my last 3 courses of my masters degree [in library and information science] and I may have a small one bedroom apartment, with wood floors, that I can sublet for the summer… am quite excited about this and encouraged. The place is exactly what I am looking for… now I just have to find a job for after August 11, when I will be done…

It is so hard to believe that my dream may really come true sometime soon (apartment, Ottawa, job, church and cat!)…

It is interesting to think about this in regards to constantly seeking God… it seems to be a tension—I long to make a home here on earth (apartment, my belongings, a cat) yet my true home is not here on earth at all… yet again, my home, my life, is in the church…

Many paradoxes in life…

loving church

Ah. Life. Lent is great. I am hoping between my church and the Cathedral to go to church every day this week. My church in London did not have as many services last year so I am really loving it and soaking it all in… I am not sure about the Thursday yet, but so far I am feeling quite happy about lent and being in church so much. I will miss it next week!

(Though my house does need to be cleaned eventually…)

Today feels like…

Did you ever have the I feel like a warm fuzzy book when you were a child? Well. Today I feel like it should be a holiday. Not perhaps the best feeling when I am at work!

Sigh.

It must be because I am resting and today is practically balmy; sunny and – 4.

Back to work…

Gotta love it when – 4 sounds warm

Well. Today I am still tired, but felt encouraged by taking the night off. Tonight I plan on resting again and hope to make some real progress towards inner rest—to be a bit more refocused. I am relieved it is almost lent; things have been so hectic and I hope that things will slow down for me, especially as I will officially not be living in my current apartment in 2 months. Am giving my landlord my 2 months notice today.

This too is hard, but I am seeking to be peaceful.

I realized that my life [and many people’s life today] is not normal—it was never normal to be one single person moving alone over 6 times in 10 years; I know that there were always travelers, and some who did this; yet even the Hebrews in the wilderness moved as a group and with the Arc of the Covenant. I am greatly craving stability and rest and a community that’s general location does not change…

Meanwhile I will seek to strengthen myself in the Lord and in His church…

This week

Is unlike other weeks for me; I try to never miss things, esp. church things. But I have been really tired and have given/made myself have the week off. So I am missing to night church services, postponed seeing some friends and will not resume socialness until Friday night (Korean restaurant for a church friend’s birthday). What I am hoping this will do for me is: give me rest, including rest in God.

Life is hard and mine is no exception, though I have little to complain about on the grand scale of things. So this week is going to be a more quiet one, where I am hoping to really begin lent well (which I am thinking of not being as social either).

I am soon moving to London Ontario again, sometime soon after Pasca, and I find this really painful. I have gotten really close to my new 6-months so far church and it is bringing a lot of memories of how incredibly hard it was to leave my first church, St. Herman’s in Langley. When I got home from BC, almost 2 full years ago, on March 5, I barely spoke for 3 days (I also did have a really bad cold, but still, if you know me, you will know that I am usually not so silent!)

So I am beginning to face leaving again, and am seeking to deal with the fears I have of not being able/allowed to come back—I really want to be rooted in a place and in a church and really want these roots to be in Ottawa, as I have gained a Father-Confessor for the first time and really like Ottawa. (And it is in the same time zone as my family, which is really good as well).

The one good thing is that at least I am not going to something new—the school and church I know…

Now is the time for me to seek to enter into rest…

Wow is it Monday

I am so tired; probably did not help that I woke up early. It was a beautiful sunny -19 this morning and I was so lost in thought that I did not even notice; co-workers commented on the cold before I clued in to why I still felt cold after being a work for a while…

Thankfully I have a tea pot and chamomile lemon tea…

Now if only lunch would give me renewed energy; I feel so sleepy…

in case you were wondering :)

Today: drinking hot chamomile lemon tea
Feeling: cold
At: work
Emotion: fairly happy
Hope: to find a job in Ottawa
Tonight: dinner w. fellow librarian
Tomorrow night: making Elie’s lamb dish for meatfare Sunday after liturgy
Loving: all those in my 4 ½ Orthodox churches

church

I know I do not blog very frequently; I feel that my life is really internally intense right now and I am processing a lot of things, which creates an added tension within myself.

However, the liturgy Tuesday night was incredibly moving. There was only a few of us there, in our little church. how to describe the church...it has high ceiling, icons with a lot of gold, blues and reds; the icon directly above the iconastasis, below the ceiling, is Christ on the throne, with the Theotokos and St. John the Forerunner presenting Him, and other saints on either side. When I am at vespers during the week, I stand in the middle and can look directly up at Christ, as well as the Cross on top-centre of the iconastatsis. Standing there, singing with the choir that is above me, is always a very moving experience. I always find myself thinking that this is truly where I love to be, where I am most alive, where my life is from and is in...

there were some specific happenings that made the vesperal liturgy for Christ's entrance into the temple very precious. Little things, like being in charge of watching over the candles that were burning low; and being asked by the reader to get the stand that our Deacon puts the Gospel on, and, standing in the middle of the church, when it was time for communion, no one was going first and I looked around and looked at our Priest and Deacon and my spiritual Father called forth, 'the servant of God, Elizabeth..." and I was first to communion; it was so moving that I nearly began weeping.

I will never forget this night...

Thanks, but…

Victoria passed on the ‘write 4’ list to me, but I do not have internet access @ home and do not have time to write this right now….. it would be fun, but I am feeling a lot of pressure in my daily schedule right now and just trying to maintain my life and be at peace. Thanks though. It is nice to be included. If I find time later, I will do it, but for now I just have to say, thanks.

exhausted but blessed

I have been quite exhausted of late; I feel that I am just getting out of this state. Thankfully I have really good friends who have helped me—I was very blessed—taken out to dinner and even help with my dishes (seriously!). So I am very well taken care of—which I need to remember when I am worrying about my near immediate job-finding future.

Another huge blessing connected to my friends is the prayer support that I receive and also that I can give.

Including prayers for many children—the new born twins, Baby Owen’s birth, and young Greta.

Truly I am deeply blessed.

sealed

The blog/journal entries/emails done less than a week from a funeral I always find to be strange; I can remember when my Grandfather died, it was strange to be experiencing happiness; yet it happens. Fr. John Scratch and his loss are never far from my consciousness, nor are the spiritual gifts his life gave me.

To the point that when I write of Fr. John, I cannot think of much else.

What I wanted to quick write about is inline with what he taught me through this life… even through the week of funeral services, I learned that I had really become orthodox; as if it is sealed more deeply within me… that this is right, this Church, this life is what I have always been looking for…

A week of learning

Not only did I learn from Fr. John Scratch’s life, as Bishop Seraphim challenged us to live a life of repentance as Fr. John did, but my priest’s words have stayed with me—if you wonder why someone has not grown, it is because they have not repented.

I read a book entitled Return, published by a small Greek press… in English produced in Pennsylvania (a state otherwise, in my life, known as orthodox-central; just look at this map: http://orthodoxyinamerica.org./sr/geo_gate.php). This book (sorry I do not remember the subtitle, though I remember it is written by an archimandrite) really floored me; it was like something in me shifted and I understood the call to live a life of repentance in a new way.

Now I am rethinking what this means for how I have lived, and what I think the meaning/purpose of life is…

overwhelming beauty and bright sadness

I am sitting at my desk at work right now; I feel extremely dazed; I went to all of the services for Fr. John Scratch and the grief, as well as the intensity in intimacy that the services gave, is still overwhelming. I have not had a good night’s sleep since he died; the first two nights I would wake up, crying; like I did when my Grandfather died—whose name was also John—the last two nights I have woken up and thought of him, of his family who miss him, and of the services… I am still overwhelmed by the sheer somber and great beauty of the services; it was very profound.

I wish I could explain what I had the great honour of being part of, but for now I must keep working and hope to rest in a few hours, when work is over for the day…

Memory Eternal to Fr. John … and many prayers said for his family and his church….

Fr. John Scratch

These days have been very hectic and I have not posted much; with Fr. John Scratch’s falling asleep, I have been very blessed to be part of memorial services and to think of the various times I saw him; I remember telling Cheryl more than once that I missed him, as I had not seen him in a while…

my heart is full of thoughts of him, of the Cathedral and those who are in grief because of his passing...

thoughts at noon hour

Today, I am sad to say, is a more dreary dismal weather day in Ottawa. Gone is the snow falling, instead we had freezing rain. And for some reason the sidewalks are not being properly salted today and it is the noon hour and parts of it are still slippery! Sigh. And I had wanted to take a walk…

On a positive note, I hope to do some baking soon! Maybe a strawberry cake with almonds on top; also plan on making a vegan chocolate cake; of course I really also have to clean my house, but baking is way more fun!

God’s provision

When I read Dave’s post about a tax refund providing for him, I had no idea that I would be receiving one that would help me too!! And I did! God totally provided for me…I am so thankful and again surprised and humbled by His timely provision.

NOTE: everyone must read Stacy’s comment on my last post. So FUNNY. Thanks Stacy. Maybe someday we can visit and I can cook for you!!!

At random

Some thoughts: one, I took care of the silly phone calls—left a message clearly asserting that I did own the phone number they were calling and that I wished them not to call. Not a peep heard since.

Two, I got the all new joy of cooking for my Once-in-a-Lifetime-Golden-Birthday from my parents and I am loving it. I am looking forward to cooking with it for DV many years to come.

Three, I am not able to blog much of late, as a few people have commented to me—the holidays have been so incredibly busy and since I have been back I Ottawa the wireless I was ‘borrowing’ has not been available and so I am not online much. However, this is not always such a bad thing, but it does add a bit of an inconvenience to accomplishing certain things, such as blogging.

Four, I had my Christmas this weekend. The vigil was very beautiful; as was the service this morning; the singing was first rate and it felt very good and intimate as a church family. I am always amazed at the community that I have found here and how some of my new friends really love me so abundantly.

Uh-Oh

I think I am feeling stressed, though I often am feeling quite peaceful. There have been a family phoning me for someone else that they happen (so I can tell by the voice mails) they think has betrayed them, I think finically. As I have caller ID, I called them back yesterday saying they had the wrong number. Today the guy called back, venom dripping in the voice mail message, starting by saying “yeah Elizabeth” and going on to give his message to the person who he *thinks* my phone number belongs to. How do I know I am stressed? Inside I got really mad at this guy who I have absolutely no connection with for leaving a venomous message.

Well. I will have to attend to this [stress-level] and such.

Please pray for me, as I seek to live at peace…

returning to ottawa

DV [Lord Willing] I will be back on Tuesday. Please pray for me as I travel...Thank you. May God be with all who read this...

Golden Birthdays Happen Only Once

In the States, at least in this part of the States, one has a golden birthday when they turn the number that they were born on. So today is my golden birthday—29 on the 29th. It has been a lovely birthday at that—matins in the morning, a party with church friends (who I love very much) at lunch and relatives (also very loved) are coming over for dessert/cake tonight. My Grandma is coming for my Birthday dinner, which my Mother and Brother are making for me. My brother and I are going to hang out later tonight—a very full, wonderful birthday. God has really blessed me…

Thoughts about this day

Today I was at one of my oldest friend’s houses…she has children and I spent the day talking with her and letting the kids do my hair [very cute, retro-punk] and reading stories to them….

It was a nice day, but I am tired now!

I am almost too tired to even put one thought in front of the other.

I think I am a little lonely, being the only Orthodox Christian here in my families’ house and on many levels I do not have people to readily communicate with…

I hope to go to the Christmas morning liturgy but have not found out yet if I will have a ride to this…

Yet, in all things, may I, may we, be thankful…

Still Loving Winter

It is a very beautiful day in Ottawa. Tons of snow and it is only – 7. Now really, for winter this is quite warm. And honest—with all the layers I was wearing, I did not feel cold at all. And I am seriously thinking about walking to work on days like this… all I need to do is when I am home for the holidays… I need to find my snow pants!

NOTE--will not be blogging much until next week, as I will be traveling homewards...

So blessed

I was at vespers and a very wonderful and powerful time learning about the end of John chapter 10 and the story of Lazarus in chapter 11… our priest was teaching about this. I felt like I was given the words I had been longing to hear at my Grandfather’s funeral. This was a very moving time.

After this I was not so surprised to hear my priest say that I was leaving over the holidays… I thought he would be saying something to the effect of the church will be praying for my travels… instead one of my good friends here in Ottawa, who had stopped by my place before vespers and ate some dinner with me, had a cake for my birthday [29 on December 29; my golden birthday] in her backpack and my spiritual father announced that it was going to be my birthday and invited everyone who was there to the church hall for cake in my honour. I was so surprised and my friend now has the nickname, ‘goddess of stinkers’ [she calls me the goddess of all things domestic so we are even] and I was sung many years to and was wonderfully surprised. This sort of attention always makes me a little shy and I was looking towards the ground during the singing…of course I liked it all though…

I felt very loved and happy.

So it was again an interesting night; I was almost crying hearing the wonderful words of truth about death and Christ’s calling Lazarus out of Sheol… thinking of my Grandfather… and then being, after the service was done, being loved for having a future-while-I-am-in-Michigan birthday…

Someday soon I need to write out all of the notes I took from the Bible study last night. I hope someday to gain the humility to fully take in how blessed and loved I am, and how it was demonstrated to me last night…

love of winter

I love Ottawa in winter!!! It is gorgeous, sunny and refreshingly cold… high currently is -12… but really, with layers, a winter coat, scarves, gloves/mittens, and hats/toques and good boots it is the best kind of winter… reminds me of being in Boston when I was 19 in January… and it is perfect ice skating winter… would be cool to skate on the canal once it freezes over…

a varied day

Such a strange day this has been.

Here’s the highlights…

*I have been thinking a lot about my Grandfather and his death, and the memorial service we had for him at church; I kept hearing my priest’s voice singing “Memory Eternal”… my priest and deacon did the service together, it was beautifully sung…at times it was hard for me to sing with them, as I kept almost breaking into tears…

*I have loved the weather. –14 today with lots of sunshine. So refreshing.

*Some friends and I had a great conversation yesterday with our priest about gender issues. I love it that the Orthodox Church has clear parameters about this; I feel so safe in my church because of this. Because of this conversation, my heart has been light...

*I worked on a collection development project all day for work…basically meant researching various medical journals online and putting the information I needed into an excel table (mind you this table is 16 pages printed on legal size paper)

*I posted my first recipe to Sprucies in the Kitchen website today … I had it for dinner…and now I am procrastinating on a mound of dirty dishes (from making 2 meals yesterday for the week) and on typing up some minutes for a committee I am on for school…

I think the best highlight though is this book I am reading: Romanian Patericon: Saints of the Romanian Orthodox Church by Archimandrite Ioanichie Balan, published by St. Herman of Alaska Brotherhood at St. Paisius Abby … I am reading this on recommendation from my spiritual father…the book itself I am borrowing from a parishioner of my church, who is generous and trusting with his books!

Within This Day

I have added a few of my friends to my link section; I have a lot more (including more Sprucies) I want to add, but do not have time right now.

I am going to be cleaning house, making a vegan basmati rice salad for church tomorrow and need to be at church before 4.30 pm.

Tonight I and another friend are having a memorial service for our Grandparents… I am really glad for this. I really, of course, still miss my Grandfather. It has been less than a month since he died. I think those people one really loves are never forgotten and are always missed. Thank God my Grandfather is a faithful Christian; this is a great comfort.

when does being busy become a sickness?

This is the first night home I have had in a while; I do not remember what I did Monday night, but Tuesday I got my train ticket and went to vespers, yesterday I went to a restaurant for a fellow student’s last day of co-op and vespers at the Cathedral (though I was late and ran 10 blocks in very cold air to get there). Tonight I stayed a half hour later and got the final groceries I needed before I leave for my parent’s home for the holidays. And I am one of the three project leads for gearing up the student-led mentorship committee at my school and am so happy to have a night to do those other things…like cleaning my house, being home, cooking… sometimes I have a hard time getting fully centred and want music on, but I am still not doing so (though I sure would like to hear Peter, at FilmChat’s interview tomorrow!)…

I am a bit concerned about the business of my life; I know I need nights to have to myself; and I just learned that there may be a Bible study next term that I really will want to attend; and I will be fitting in work for the mentorship committee… I am going to need a lot of prayer / to pray a lot about this…

I really believe that a lot of North American society today is too busy…over stimulated, over structured, over committed; and this sort of business seems to be receiving continual praise.

It is troubling.

It is, perhaps, even a sign of an inner spiritual malady.

The question it seems that I will have to work out for myself is how busy should I be and what is the fruit of the business. In the end I need what will bring me salvation.

It is beginning.

Winter in Ottawa. The low tonight is -13 and the high for tomorrow is -5 degrees Celsius. Well if you could see me here, you would know that I have what I call ToughGirlBoots with wool in them (made in Canada too). I know that later I may be reporting that it is really cold, but right now I am just excited for the snow and for winter. Two of my favourite poets are Jane Kenyon and Donald Hall; Jane Kenyon always lamented the passing of summer and sun while Donald would grow increasingly happy as the days and darkness lengthened. As much as I can like summer (and I remember talking with one of my really good library school friends about longing for summer; months later we were gulping water our of our Nalgene bottles, melting as we walked to the air conditioned antiquarian book store)… I always find that my heart gets lighter as the snow comes.

(note: the one ‘rule’ I have about winter and snow is that I never wish the weather to cause car accidents… I always worry about people traveling; I am thankful that in the Orthodox church we always pray for those traveling on land, sea or air)

silence needed for our life's work...

I have been super busy since I got back from the funeral—I had a good friend stay with me for 4 days, then I had company for the next two nights and last night I went out grocery shopping with 3 of my friends here, who go to my church. So later last night was the first night I had alone in a week’s time. Of course when I am alone, I had times where the grief of my Grandfather’s death overcomes me; I know I need these times.

Yet also I am aware of how much I love my little home; the little things I love, like cooking (this weekend I plan on making a vegetarian chilli and paella with tofu), talking on the phone with my very beloved friend and family, cleaning and generally just being.

Some of my happiest memories from a few summers ago were when I would be in my studio (in the BC lower mainland) and the sun would come in my big bay window. I would be sitting in my armchair, look at my clean kitchen counters and be still. There would be no music playing; I would just sit there. The solitude was so satisfying, refreshing.

I think it is that same sort of happiness that I feel again here, glimpses of it…the sun is slanting towards my kitchen, on my golden coloured wood floor, and things are quiet. I have been deliberately not listening to any music or radio since sometime in September. I could see that the music was merely breaking my internal peace, making me feel frantic (especially if it was not something like Bach). And I the songs I found I wanted in me were the songs of the Church, the many prayers.

At times I think we need to get away from sound to re-centre ourselves; it is only then that prayer comes from within you, just as solitude or a beautiful piece of music comes (from) within you, enveloping you from the inside, going outwards.

We need silence to face our aloneness and learn to find solitude as something that deepens and refreshes us, instead of being something to be feared, as human loneliness can be intense and frightening.

I am coming to believe that learning to live in silence can help us on our journey towards God, which is our true life’s work, the only one we were given to do…

taking care of our identities

Wow. It is incredible how much a computer can be taken on by a person. And do you notice how email and messenger accounts are all about creating a virtual presence, nearly saying that they are creating a online ‘you’… this came to me in a huge way when my preinstalled internet virus protection expired; you know a trial run. Well once I did not renew (sometimes 50.00 to spend can be a bit much, you know) they really started being annoying. Not only did I get tons of pop ups from them, the icon at the bottom of my screen always blinked and then all of a sudden that software changed its configuration and put the ‘parent control’ on and I could not even access my yahoo email account. I was so mad (and then had to go pray because I was mad, of course).

Well. I uninstalled the software and now they cannot bother me. I had already downloaded other software to protect my computer. It is just really a bit troubling how connected we are in the world to technology; it has really began to shape or culture and even our identity as people, not to mention our patience level.

I seriously think we should examine this more carefully and take care that our identities do not get wrapped in or around things, including technology.

Our culture here, from what I can see, is so intent on being busy and filled with underlying pride in our business that it can be dangerous to ourselves; that most people need noise/music/TV to function is just one of the indications of our troubled state.

Memory eternal...Grandfather

My Grandfather died on November 17, 2005. I was very encouraged by many of my friends and Orthodox families’ prayers for my Grandfather and my family. The day I found out he was dying, I was able to be in church praying for him at vespers and a week later, after returning from the funeral and travels home, I was back at church, praying for him still. I will really miss my Grandfather and will keep praying for him and for all of our family. My Grandfather’s prayer was that all of his family may know the Lord. Memory eternal…

My Grandfather

My Grandfather John may be dying. I am so blessed to have him in my life. The last thing he said to me, when I talked to him on the phone when he was in the hospital a month ago was that prayer was the best thing one can do. He is very special to me and it is going to be hard to lose him. And of course grief is always a bewildering thing. I remember Aunt Elaine (her title to all at the Bible camp where I worked years ago) saying that she did not know how people made it without God. She had cancer by then, and was greatly supported by God through her last year of earthly life. I am so glad that for all these things, God is there for me, and for all His children, being present in their sufferings and upholding them and saving them through it.

my sunday (after reading dave's version of his)

It is funny how we can share an experience but for each person it is different. For me going to the OCA Cathedral (still exhausted from a hard-hitting head cold), it was at times overwhelming. Beautiful, yes; and when all of the clergy would sing alone—wow—I do not know if I have ever heard live the deep richness of the male liturgical voice. But I confess that the liturgy was very tiring, with an ordination and lots of other stuff, not to mention a hierarchal liturgy. So I left afterwards for a good little while [maybe 20 minutes, hard to say] and went across the road to my little Carpatho-Russian Church, Christ the Saviour, and had a small lunch there with my church and sat and talked with my friend Terri. I do not think my beloved friends at the Cathedral even noticed (or they did not mention it). I just needed to see some familiar faces! And get my priest's blessing (finally I could again; as I was sure I was no longer infectious with a cold).

Then I went back, had some more food and then Fr. Lawrence came over and sat by me. That was a really wonderful thing. I felt more included than I had in a long time; my friends who are in regular contact with me know that I talk a lot (maybe too much? forgive me...) about being in 4 churches (as a member) in just over 2 years (I am going on year three now, unbelievable). It is natural (though upsetting at times) to lose contact with those one knew before, especially regarding one's first (Orthodox) church. So it was very wonderful to tell Fr. Lawrence about this, especially how hard my year in London doing the bulk of my MLIS degree and not having any one in my Church who was near my age. I think one of the best parts of it was how I felt listened to (I always did want attention, just ask my family!) and also how I still felt like Fr. Lawrence treated me like he always did--as a (spiritual) daughter, even though I left almost 2 years ago. He told me in an email after I left that now he was more like an Orthodox uncle, as I needed to take root where I was, and have the priest (at my 2nd church) be my new spiritual father. I, of course, protested...and he conceded that he could always have the title as my first spiritual father. So to see him again was a great gift.

On a similar topic, but on a different level, I am still waiting for my heart to learn more of God as my FATHER and to live present to His love.

I feel that as an Orthodox Christian I share in a great hope...

Thoughts in the Quiet of Evening

It is later in the evening; I worked from home today. The head cold still insists in raging; another Kleenex box is gone. I had a very peaceful evening; I talked to my sister on the phone…I love it that my sister and I have gotten to the stage where we can talk for hours and about so many varied topics. Now the candles are lit in my place; no electric lights (save the computer screen) are on. Sigh. This is my favourite place to be; candles, icons and quiet.

I have emailed and talked to various friends today, asking them to pray for my Grandfather as he has pneumonia and is in the hospital (if you, reading this, will pray too, I would be very grateful). He was in the hospital about a month ago for the same reason, so I have reason to be concerned. I talked to him on the phone, then, briefly and after I told him I was praying for him, he said that “is the best thing one can do.” I am so blessed to have such good and godly grandparents who pray for all of their children, grandchildren and many others. I am very grateful to God for giving me such a good heritage.

It was hard today to focus on work sometimes, though, as my Grandfather has been on my mind; especially as I was researching for long term care journals (as in long term care as in nursing homes and palliative and end of life care). Talk about reminders of what will come to all of us. But… I seek to trust God and His time and His care of all those whom I love. And it is a comfort to me that my small Church had a prayer service for healing with anointing (for physical illness especially) and my Grandfather, whose name is John, was mentioned various times by name in the service. That my Orthodox churches, family, and friends pray for him is a very great, deep happening. And that the saints care as well, and that God is present in the midst of all of our human suffering—these are the deep pools of hope that we must always return to. I saw an icon of Christ’s decent into hell, and how He pulls Adam and Eve up. This picture is what my hope rests on: that “God hath delivered my soul from the place of hell, for he shall receive me” (Psalm 49:15).

Home on a rainy day, with a cold

I am very fortunate to have a supervisor who believes that those w. raging colds should be at home recovering. So here I am, at home on my laptop; the usual sinus cold--the Kleenex pile in the small trash can keeps growing, my nose I’m sure is getting red and naps, lots of tea and soup are part of the recovering process. I am really thankful that my work place has an unspoken policy (that my supervisor enforces!) that those with colds must stay home and get better faster because they are resting!

Well, other than that I do not really have much to say; having a cold seems to inhibit thinking….

if reading this

and you are so inclined, please pray for me, a sinner.

reality of the graduates

A blog I read, and really admire, is The Kept Up Librarian. I am really curious to learn how he keeps up with so many of the trends in academia (my guess is that he has a routine for his day, quick observational ability and a lot of great blog feeds and other news sources that he regularly uses). One of the interesting things about this blog is that it also gives a lot of cultural information, especially about people who are in the general age bracket of 18-30 because he focuses on post-secondary education. I think his brief words on being "thirty and broke" gives a lot of us an explanation for what many of us find as our reality.

http://keptup.typepad.com/academic/2005/11/thirty_and_brok.html

...holiness and questions

I was reading http://www.conciliarpress.com/blog/index.php and in it Mother Gabriella speaks of holiness and that one of the things need is to not draw attention to one's self. It makes me wonder what I am to do in situations like when one creates (or falls into) minor self injury, like I did and of course, knowing me, I told the world all about it, often laughing about it, but still, I called attention to it. I wonder if part of becoming holy is learning to not do this, to focus on others, like Mother Gabriella says. I think holiness is in part this, which means I have a long way to go.

I think the real question then, for me, is when can I talk about myself or what situations call for it or when do others benefit from it and what is right or best to do in life....

Thank God for His grace and patience. Please pray for me and let me know if I can pray for you.

thank God for family

though i am living a few 100s of miles from my immediate family, i am so thankful they love me; sometimes, like tonight, i feel tired and kind of bummed. you know...when stuff is not going exactly right [for me, my neck and right side of me hurts from dramatically kissing the sidewalk by the 'smashing' trip i had yesterday] [sorry, phil must be rubbing off on me from afar, his puns are far superior to mine] :) ...

i am so blessed to have a family that cares about me so much and even my Grandmother was asking about me, since my brother told her that i took a tumble yesterday.

i am so thankful ... now all i want is a good night sleep and maybe to wake up feeling a bit better than how i felt when i woke up this morning! ouch!

i hope everyone who may read this is doing well and are at peace. goodnight!

oh: and tons of blessings and prayer for Biss' sister who appears to be having her child soon...! i will says prayers for her, etc.

friends coming to visit!

yea! two good friends, C and S, it appears, may be coming to visit me; one from the west and one from the east! it looks like the later part of November is going to be full... how wonderful.

i am feeling so thankful for my friends; i am also thankful that i can laugh at myself; i wiped out on a sidewalk, nose first, yesterday and though i am quite sore at times because of it, when i tell my friends on the phone i can't help but laugh... and say 'well, when i do something, i always do it really well!!'

my friend Nadia told me i should write a manifesto on not falling on sidewalks ever again... here it is:

i, Elizabeth, will seek to never fall nose-first on a cement sidewalk again. it is a very bad idea, causes pain, general confusion and the need for ibprophen, pillows and hot hot epsom salt baths. therefore, i here by command everyone to look where they step and i suggest that the city and university of Ottawa fix their vastly uneven sidewalks, thus assisting others from possible injury. moreover, i Elizabeth commit to scrupulous attention whenever i am walking on the campus of the University of Ottawa. there ends my manifesto on the ceasing of all side-walk falls.

have a great day everyone, and no tripping on sidewalks!

thankfulness

through the collective blog that i have so graciously been invited to, i am hearing of and from people i have not talked to nearly 2 years....and even seeing pictures of people as well... i feel very blessed and like God is working within me through this....

may all who read this be in His peace.

what do you know about Google?

this is a post from Librarian in Black (As in I did not write the below)

All Your Base Are Belong to ... Google?
Google Base is coming. Are you afraid yet? To quote Yoda, "You will be." According to Google's press releases on the subject:
Google Base is Google's database into which you can add all types of content. We'll host your content and make it searchable online for free.
And you thought it was impossible to turn over control of any more of the Internet over to Google. Silly human. Free hosting is good right? Well, based on the terms in Google's past user and privacy contracts, Google will also own whatever it is that it's hosting...so, in short, it will own the Internet. Or a lot of it, at any rate. Afraid now?

from: http://librarianinblack.typepad.com/librarianinblack/2005/11/all_your_base_a.html

learning

Today started a bit after 3 AM; I woke up, my mind was racing. One of the things I am working on, with the help of my priest-confessor, is learning not to worry. Orthodoxy, in my experience, is something I find actually challenges people not only to growth, but growth in things that one may think is virtually impossible to do.

For me one of these things is learning to live a peace – really to practice a detachment for the passions.

Lord have mercy on us

I found out today that one of my library school friends boyfriend’s mother died while vacationing in Asia. I had talked to this friend about the mother’s illness just a few days before she passed away. Lord have mercy on my friend and the family who lost their mother and on the mother.

a thought

Thought for the evening: I was talking with my friend Cheryl tonight about the fact that it is very important to belong to one church (Cheryl and I both belonging to the Eastern Orthodox Church) but that it is also quite important to be able to go to other Orthodox Churches and be comfortable in them, knowing that the differences and the varied (small t) traditions are to be loved.

You are welcome here

Welcome to my blog. Actually, this is my second blog. My first one, which I will be keeping up as well, is a blog about being in library school (as in a Masters of Library and Information Science) and living in Canada and being Orthodox. It is more of a library-student-soon-to-be-librarian blog and, though I wanted it to combine both aspects of my life, I am finding that it cannot. Thus and therefore, this is going to be my more personal blog and is going to focus more on my growth and journey into the Orthodox Church.

I find that my life is quite full right now, so I am not sure how much I will be able to post within this blog. Also, as Jim Forest (of Orthodox Peace Fellowship, who resides in Holland) reminds us all in the blog, The Orthodox Way, Press's Conciliar presses’ blog, that no activity, including blogging, must take away from our needed time in prayer.