I have been super busy since I got back from the funeral—I had a good friend stay with me for 4 days, then I had company for the next two nights and last night I went out grocery shopping with 3 of my friends here, who go to my church. So later last night was the first night I had alone in a week’s time. Of course when I am alone, I had times where the grief of my Grandfather’s death overcomes me; I know I need these times.
Yet also I am aware of how much I love my little home; the little things I love, like cooking (this weekend I plan on making a vegetarian chilli and paella with tofu), talking on the phone with my very beloved friend and family, cleaning and generally just being.
Some of my happiest memories from a few summers ago were when I would be in my studio (in the BC lower mainland) and the sun would come in my big bay window. I would be sitting in my armchair, look at my clean kitchen counters and be still. There would be no music playing; I would just sit there. The solitude was so satisfying, refreshing.
I think it is that same sort of happiness that I feel again here, glimpses of it…the sun is slanting towards my kitchen, on my golden coloured wood floor, and things are quiet. I have been deliberately not listening to any music or radio since sometime in September. I could see that the music was merely breaking my internal peace, making me feel frantic (especially if it was not something like Bach). And I the songs I found I wanted in me were the songs of the Church, the many prayers.
At times I think we need to get away from sound to re-centre ourselves; it is only then that prayer comes from within you, just as solitude or a beautiful piece of music comes (from) within you, enveloping you from the inside, going outwards.
We need silence to face our aloneness and learn to find solitude as something that deepens and refreshes us, instead of being something to be feared, as human loneliness can be intense and frightening.
I am coming to believe that learning to live in silence can help us on our journey towards God, which is our true life’s work, the only one we were given to do…