Church, Lunch and Brighton Beach in NYC

I went to church this morning for the new calendar

feast of the Beheading of St John the Baptist. 

It was beautiful... I so wish more were there to see and even

be in awe of the beauty that is so clearly present...

Then a friend and I had lunch and then went to Brighton Beach...

which I had not been to before, it's in NYC near Coney Island.

We went to the beach first and then to various Russian shops.

The beach was nice, but typical beach, except that I don't remember

seeing men (middle aged or older and thin) being so incredibly tan that their

(white) skin is almost burnt black... seems so unwise with skin cancer being a 

serious health issue that I know family and friends have had!

I liked the beach, the sun shining on the waters, the waves...

the children playing...

I read an email while sitting on the sand about grief and Cleo

and felt that newly familiar wave of sadness...

I looked out at the waves and sought to be absorbed only in the beauty of them...

I ate a soft-ice cream cone like I had not eaten in days... 

I found Russian cookies that I had been wanting; 

and I got some blini; I felt blessed to have the treats;

grief is so weird; I am struggling with worry that others will think it 

strange to grief the loss of a cat for more than 3 days.

What does loss mean? 

My Mom told my Aunt H that Cleo died and she cried; 

(did I say that already 

yesterday?) ...

I told my friend S today and she teared up; 

my friend L. (also at church) was shocked.

What does grief mean? 

What does it mean that Cleo's quiet present sitting nearby me

or being petted by Mr Husband at night while he is doing his exercises

no longer happens?

That we threw away her litter box? That I am going to pack up her food bowls?

(I am keeping them).  That I am figuring out in time who to give various things to 

that we don't need as we don't have Cleo.

That I loved Cleo so much and she was there for 13 years of my life

and so many seasons of my life.

what does it mean to not know what form of comfort

 I will have now that I don't have Cleo? 

For various reasons, I am not sure we will get another cat,

at least while we live in New Jersey, which we think will be for some years yet.

My friend Z. was over a few weeks ago and commented that we could have a second

buffet (small one like the one the star lamp is on) where Cleo's food station is.

And now Cleo is gone, I looked, the buffet was on sale (which often means

it is being discontinued) and I (with consultation of Mr Husband) bought it

and we are indeed putting it by Cleo's food station, in place of it.

I hope to have a nice picture of Cleo there...

I want it to be small... simple... I hope to pick a picture soon... 

I was worried, last week, about possibly going to Brighton Beach today

as I was worried that Cleo would be alone while so sick

but she's gone and I went to the beach... 

I got some really special jarred honey and blue and white Russian tea towels...

I have various moments of tears or near tears...

I find grief hard, but somehow I am relieved when I am sad about

losing Cleo... but I am also glad when I can look at pictures of her

over the years here on my blog and not feel

pained as much as remembering...

***

Mr Husband and I had burgers and fries for dinner

before going home from NYC... I and the subway I was taking 

was late/delayed so we got there too late for dinner at his work...

I am so glad I am home tomorrow.

***

I pray each of you are being upheld, no matter what your current situation is...

may God have mercy on us!

Today and the rest of the week...

There are so many pictures of our DV new home

that I wish I could show you!

But I can't, since it is not our home yet or 

our belongings inside, etc.

*

But the picture above is the one of the front windows...

Cleo is going to just love them.

We have plans of two arm chairs and a small table going there

and Cleo will be in window-watching heaven.

*

So I have been craving cooking and baking lately.

It was so fun making Mr. Husband's cake...

Still have to write that one up for this year...

hopefully this week...

*

So I saw this recipe last week for vegetarian chili

with butternut squash.

*

I was so blessed by you all with ideas and recipes for 

using my last two butternut squashes...

I do hope to make more next year and incorporate ideas from you all!

*

This whole house hunting (we were looking since January,

which turned out to be providential since the landlord of our current place

suddenly told us he was selling the place) and then waiting to see

if we can get the condo we are now DV getting...

well, I wrote about the prayer for the fainthearted a while back for a reason...

some of the time we really did not know what was going to happen with it

or if we would have to house hunt again and with a deadline looming...

So I struggled to pray, doing my Lenten reading in the morning,

and read lots of Madeline L'Engle and just could not cook

much, though I did manage the cake for Mr. Husband and a few other

things... cooking not so much but the cookies and cake yes...

actually baking is something I do often when in transition and

it is quite helpful, at least for me.

*

And I saw this recipe this week ~ for cake with butternut squash and 

crystallized ginger...! 

So the Pascha baking possibilities continue to call out,

slowly to me.... and each recipe calls for only 1 butternut squash,

and I have two of them, so....

*

I remember years ago when I was in London Ontario

in my last semester in between my 8 months in Ottawa

and then moving back to live and work,

when I was moving back to Ottawa

I did not quite have a job lined up yet;

it was then that I lived with the family that became my

'Ottawa Ukrainian Family' and did land that first great job

and got my U shaped apartment that had great light and 

some wonderful and some not so wonderful times

but that God gave me for a season...

*

Anyway, it was so hard for me at the time when I was just moving back

from London Ontario to Ottawa;

I had Cleo by then, newly, and no one for various reasons

could help much with that packing I did then

and I remember buying cheap frozen pizza and being 

overwhelmed with moving into the unknown.

*

I remember Cleo playing with my hair, which is thick, often curly 

and generally fairly long and how comforting it was.

I remember the shelf with my icons and tea lights 

in that one summer sublet apartment;

I remember crying in front of them with all the overwhelment of that 

time in my life, moving, soon to be new grad...

I remember the closet in the bathroom there and how it reminded me

somehow of my Aunt H. and how that was a comfort.

*

In someways that must of been one of my hardest moves;

I remember I slept a lot that weekend just after moving 

and how it all worked out well then,

thanks to prayers of those who were much higher spiritually then I...

with so much faith...

*

I remember I made cake; 

I think a lemon one and possibly a chocolate one too; in an 

old big oven in a small kitchen in that summer sublet half-basement

apartment that ended up having mold issues and me scraping my bedpost to 

clean them... thankfully it was only a few month's sublet and 

God was so merciful...

*

This upcoming move of Mr. Husband and I is bringing

back lots of memories of past moves and the 

the relief that this move is one that should not be as hard or, rather,

to say it differently, is not into a fully unknown venture.

*

Moving here to marry was wonderful joyous exciting but yet

in it's own way it was also hard, 

with grief of leaving my church family and community of

seven years, my beloved city ~ Ottawa ~ and all that it stood for.

*

I am still reminded of all the many reasons I married 

Mr. Husband and how wonderful it all is, was and we hope it to be.

*

I do not in anyway regret moving to NJ to marry my beloved husband!

*

I was rereading an old blog post of Fr. Stephen Freeman's from years

back on grief, and how he wrote that every death is not only 

the grief of that instance, but of the ones that are before.

*

In a way, I find moving to be like that.

It brings back memories of many other moves,

of times of joy and times of sorrow.

Times when I ate that cheap pizza and times

that I ordered really good pizza for my many

 Ottawa friends who helped me move...

I've moved 7 times since this blog was born in 2005...

so 7 in about 9+ years...

*

I have a lot of hope for this upcoming move.

Walking more, being closer to friends, church;

there's a small library close by, some grocery options;

I will miss my kitchen window here...

but at least this move has so many good things...

*

I have a lot to be thankful for,

including my Mr. Husband, my family, my Cleo Cat, the 

friendships I am making here, for a new home

that we hope will be one of happiness and peace

for many years.

*

And I hope to make many more birthday cakes

for my beloved during many more Great Lents

that I hope we have together...

Sunshine on a Saturday Morning

 

Happy to say the sunshine is still here!
*
Martha kindly let me know that I had forgotten the
baking soda in the Koek recipe!
Actually I had forgotten the baking powder too!
Yikes!
So do go back to the Koek recipe ~ it is now fixed!
*
We have more sugar now!
I do hope to bake again soon...
*
A few years ago when we had a great loss in
my church in Ottawa I made Koek
for the people who were going the longish drive
to the funeral;
my church had a Bukovinian tradition for
the Panakhydas ~ they would put honey jars
on the table with candles to 
symbolize/remind us of the 
sweetness of the Kingdom.
* 
I really like it that Koek has honey in it;
to me it is such a comforting bread,
for normal times,
but also times of sorrow and grief.
*
I've been waking up early these days,
often just after 5 AM.
I know myself well enough to understand that
it is partly grief that is waking me up.
*
It was hard to not be able to be at my 
home parish in Ottawa for any of Lent this year.
I don't know that I can come for any of the Bright Season 
either and I am really homesick for my Ottawa;
for downtown; for the streets I saw daily;
for the walk to church.
I really miss walking to church.
*
It is really hard to change father-confessors,
especially when one was really close to one's 
Ottawa spiritual father.
I find myself wanting to look at my wedding picture book
of all the beautiful pictures.
I really miss everyone.
*
Yet my love for Mr. Husband continues to grow
and I am so grateful that I had my wedding in Ottawa
and that so many could come
and that my spiritual father could do many prayers at the wedding
and the homily.
It was a huge dream come true;
it was like Pascha.
How I miss it.
How much I long for the eternal Pascha with Christ,
where we can all be together again forever.
*
Lord please save us and bring us to Your Holy Pascha!

North and South ~ Missing Ottawa ~ Nesting in States

Part of the wedding gift money
my DH agreed to spend on some books.
Children and YA Ortho-books!
I hope to write on some of these at sometime
in the future.
*
Recieved great news that the surgery
of a newer person in my life went well...
Please keep praying for a good recovery;
we are so thankful for the good news...

Picture from church picnic this past year.
Yesterday my Ottawa church had vespers and a teaching
by my spiritual father.
I was really homesick for them;
I talked to my Ukrainian Mom on the phone
and later that night realized how much I missed everyone.
It was like the sadness was mounting for sometime
and I did not realize it
since I have so much to be happy about.
I really miss everyone.
There is not tons I know to do about it.
I wish I could visit but even that is not simple.
I have lots to do in October with my
newly married Ortho-husband.
Our calendar is quite full already.
And in later Novemeber God-willing we
are going to Michigan to be with his family
for Thanksgiving and I will be able to
see my family as well.
*
I feel so blessed to have married my Orthoman.
He's dutch like myself and we have a lot in common.
We enjoy lots of the same books, magazines and music.
We both love children and I am really happy
to be an Auntie to his siblings' kids.
*
I have the blessing of not having
to look for work right away.
It is an intense and special time as
we work out how it is to be married
and be with each other.
I remember one of the parishoners
at my church in Ottawa saying
about his wife that he
knows when he has been blessed
and I can certainly say that about my
husband.
I know when I've been blessed.

 

It's such a blessing to be able to visit my family
a bit more
espeically as everyone is
slowly getting older
and to be building
 a peaceful home....
*
I will always miss Ottawa and the special times
I had there...
Most of my apartment I left I don't miss at all;
it got increasingly hard by the end;
but I do miss my friends who
I would have dinner parties with.
*
God willing I am having two Thanksgiving dinner parties
this coming weekend with new friends.
Which is wonderful.
It is all very different but I know that it is
still blessed.