Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Tuesday: Sun and Cloud

Right before I woke up, I was dreaming about facing death and I felt scared.  Then I suddenly thought of my friend Tim, who died when we were 10 and that he had gone before me and I was comforted.  A beautiful dream. Within minutes of waking, tears were falling down my cheeks as I thought of my friends in Ottawa with news of the continued decline of the one with the Saint's name of Peter.  Still in hospital.  Needing a wheelchair, losing ability to use his body because of ALS. It's going so fast, it's shocking.  

One of the many gifts I was given in Ottawa was the ability to cry.  Coming from Dutch background, with more stoic stock, I had to learn to cry.  It was a deep healing in my life and I am so grateful for it.  

I've been working super hard on my big writing project.  It involves a lot of research and writing drafts that I know I will need to change and edit like crazy.  It's strange to know I am writing things that need so much work but that's how it goes.  I've given my heart to the project and feel that God is opening doors (at least in the research part!) that I could not have foreseen, bringing books to me that I need... 

Before I forget, my Husband sent me this very lovely article on some of the first English translations of Russian literature and how Constance Garnett gave Dostoevsky to the world.  It's a really lovely read and sounds like a very good book that the author wrote on novels! 

I wrote the above earlier this morning.  Yesterday, by the way, I woke at 5 and by 6 was mopping the floors.  Crazy. And I was working by 9.  

Today I got up at 8 :) Was working a bit after 9. By working today I mean reading.  I am, amongst many other things, researching one's concept of who God is and what the Fatherhood of God means.  Let's just say that Jonathan Edward's famous sermon about an angry God is shockingly awful in many parts.  I read it very carefully, looking this up and makings lots of notes.  I am so glad that God is not like Edwards depicted.  Of course now I have lots more to read.  And listen to actually, thank God for podcasts like this one for questions about the Bible.  It's a lot to sort out.  My Husband knows this sermon by Edwards too and commented that it is hard to know what would be worse: to not believe in God or to believe that Edward's depiction of God (angry, hateful) is true.  I am going to need more time to figure out what is what in this one.  Whew. 

I am getting two books DV this weekend and others and it's all for my writing project.  It covers a lot of different things and is really fun that way, since I love reading and writing.  Oh, this podcast transcript on women and St Paul was helpful for me, thought I would give you an FYI on it! :) 

Ok. Well it's getting late.  Sorry I have not been posting as much.  I guess my life has changed, my writing project is keeping me really busy and engaged in other things.  I have to start thinking about when I will make cookies for Pascha because I am so busy now with my research.  For me (I am a librarian and a nerd) this is a really big blessing, to research things to try to write something.  For others it would be awful but for me it's wonderful.  I have no idea if my work itself (the writing) is any good but I know that for now I just have to read, write, pray, think, read some more and accept that my writing will need a lot of either re-writing or intensive edits, especially in places.  But somehow this all appeals to me!  

God bless you dear ones!  I pray you are well.  That you are sensing the hope and love that we find in Christ.  Or if not, that you still have hope because sometimes we believe something and don't sense it in other ways.  Faith.  Not easy.  God keep you dear hearts. 


Paula said...

I was just thinking of you this morning. It's good to hear from you again. I hate dreams of death. The last one was Ella. I was awake the rest of the night and kept sneaking in her room to check. I don't fear what happens after, but I fear losing her in this life.

Research projects are such fun for us book nerds. Sometimes I think that was the most fun when I belonged to the SCA. Research for garb and character.

It's so good to see the sunshine. I hung the laundry outside today. It's so nice because the mosquitoes aren't out yet.

Martha said...

What a lovely sky! I remember dreams often, most of the time they are silly. aren't emotional, but i have had some that seemed real and were not good.