Saturday, May 19, 2012

Moments in late May

Insomnia again.
Throat doing poorly.
This weekend is cemetery day.
I really don't want to miss it.
Last year it was a week later;
I remember vividly because
I got my first email
about Orthoman the night before.
I remember talking almost in code
to my spiritual father
about the yet not emailed
(of course I being who I am,
I let my spiritual father know, one or two close friends
and my parents know about him within
an hour of hearing of Orthoman's existence)
after church
and how floored I was at cemetery day;
how I prayed in the little chapel there
and asked for help about this
who sounded like everything I ever wanted
and I remember the sunshine, 
how I asked our deacon,
who was about to pour the left over 
Holy Water into the grass
to pour it on me instead
as I felt this intense need for help
and how happy I was and yet how much I felt
my world lurching under my feet
and the next two months were a scramble of 
sickness, job interviews, sunshine, praying about 
Orthoman, reading lots of Optina fathers,
talking to my close friends, my parents
and spiritual father
before I got the final blessing to let this man
know of me
and well
it is almost exactly 1 year that I got that first
life-changing email
and tomorrow is cemetery day 
and I want to go again to that small chapel
and pray.

Above is a beautiful rose in the city
where my Orthoman works.
It was raining that day
and I was drenched through my coat
and had really good
chicken soup with pasta and cheese in it
and how that warmed me up
as I sat cold,
wearing one of Orthoman's hoodies
that he keeps at work.
When I was going back home to Ottawa
my soon not to be home
as that which is familiar is left for that
which is all new and at times
and often very beautiful
I was in the airport and
suddenly the plane was delayed over an hour
and I was desperate for food and Internet
and feeling a lot of pressure
for wedding stuff
and then I went hurriedly to my new gate
and there was a sign for a meditation room/chapel
and so I ducked in there
and found this icon
and put my stuff down
and prayed by it.
And suddenly it was like I awoke
for a few minutes
to remember that
Christ and prayer is all that is needed
and for this time
and that God would give me what was needed.
Today I ran into a newly married couple
from another Orthodox church
who I know for some time
and they reassured me that
it gets better
and that wedding planning is stressful
and that it is normal to have nightmares
and feel overwhelmed
and that it is a really big transition
and they understood that trying to work, travel,
plan an international move
figure out when to have my name changed
and all of these things
is really intense
but that it would be okay
and is well worth it.
Orthoman and the life we can have together
is worth it indeed
but there is no denying that
for me
a more HSP type
it is very taxing.
It is a beautiful day here in Ottawa.
I hope for the strength to go to vespers
and to go to the cemetery after liturgy tomorrow.
I fly again on Tuesday.
Cleo is sitting on my chair behind me
and is going to miss me again
and I must not try to think of all left to do
but be with God now
and remember that He never leaves
us and is merciful to us,
the small weak ones of North America
where we have it easy but yet
find it often to be very hard.

No comments: