Getting Better

 just a brief 'hello!'

I went to liturgy this morning,

was a real blessing.

Sometimes just going to church is a prayer

all by itself...

Standing there, trying to collect oneself into prayer...

I am re-reading The Scent of Water by Elizabeth Goudge

and am comforted.

I managed to cook today 

(my favourite easy beef stroganoff)

and tomorrow I hope to bake a torte.

I was going to NYC but I am deferring that for now.

I need more time to rest.

I pray you are well and that no matter what 

that you know in the hardest of times that God

has not abandoned you and that He is always loving you.

May the Lord have mercy on us

and may we look to Him for our help and salvation... 

It's Almost Pentecost (and I feel so excited)

I forgot when I was trying to fix the pictures that I could accidentally

delete the text I already wrote.

So this is take 2 :(

And I don't have a lot of time to rewrite it.

***

I changed out the Pascha / Easter things for

Pentecost 

Almost done with this

and I still had some chest/nasal congestion

so I am taking it easy.

***

I felt a deep sense of relief when I realized the church pews no longer

had the social distancing ropes.

And for the first time we had the bread blessed in 20 months.

And first time since pandemic that the stole was used again

for confession, such a comfort.

***

So I got some good news but tomorrow

I am saying good bye to a close personal local friend

who may be leaving pretty much for good.

So that's hard.

Loss is hard and loss is loss.

Lots to work through, accept and trust God about.

***

The tall kind of twisted shaped building is the 

freedom tower (or one world building)

and now that I have read that book on 9/11 and did more research

I understand more of the loss that is seen where that 

new building now is. 

***

Thanks for your comments and yes, I know

I can still do my writing project but need to do it

in a better way. 

Balance is hard but each day we can try again.

***

I was touched by hearing the verses from Ezekiel at vespers

about how God promises to replace our heart of stone

with a heart of flesh; a new spirit, a new heart.

That's what Pentecost is leading to.

May it so be, may God have mercy on us

and save us in this wonderful way!

***

God bless and keep you! 

Friday: How I love you

 

Well, thank God today was better! 

[I got a package in the mail, pictures are below!]

Granny Marigold, I REALLY deeply appreciate your 

concern that I am putting too much pressure on myself.

Yeah.  I am sensing that.

Today my word was 'recalibrating' and taking a breather...

admittedly I still did some work... 

So when I started College, back in the mid-90s, my RD 

actually had to tell me,

Elizabeth, you need to take a break.  You can't work all the time. 

I think I am still learning this. 

And I think it's been really hard, the pandemic,

trying to come to terms with the changes.

I have pretty much given myself probably a Master's worth of research, 

maybe more and perhaps I should just treat it like a PhD in terms of time.

As in it takes years.

I don't want it to take years and years but the research alone may take a year.

Maybe longer.  Maybe I will look back and laugh (gently) about this

because it took way longer.  Hard to say right now.

But yes, I need to figure out how to do this better.

My cold this week did not help.  

I think I am going through the process of loss of a friend

that I can't fully tell you about because it's not my story

but you all know, if you know me, that I love doing dinner parties.

Well.  This last friend is like the last of those who come here.

Other friends have either moved out of our city or State,

or they have young kids + a job and life just changes.

It does sound like we will see some friends visiting in July. 

For one meal only most likely,

but still....That will be nice.

I guess also I have been so sick and tired of being so different than 

everyone and this writing project to me is like having a career, I can,

if I want to, say I am working on XYZ.

Madeleine L'Engle, already in 1982 in her complex, interesting novel,

A Severed Wasp, had a character talk about if you were not

a successful professional in NYC you were no one. 

Now of course that is not true but the feeling, it's there but worse.

I've struggled in a place where pretty much every woman I know in NJ

is a working professional of some sort.

So there's that.

But there's also my huge dream.

Ever since I was just 19 I wanted to be a writer.

I became a librarian when I realized I needed to find a job

but now that I don't have to work, and tried many creative things,

I am back to my first dream.

And I do honestly love what I am researching.

It's like the prefect thing for me.

BUT I do need to slow down or re-balance somehow. 

And I really, in part because this is so new, struggle with some fears about it.

What I am trying to accomplish is, I think, unique, at least in it's combination.

But of course I need to do more research before saying that with more certainty :) 

Anyway, enough about that.

***

Let me show you what my Mom's sister, my Aunt P, mailed me from Canada!

She spent over 23$ mailing it, so generous of her!!! 

I don't know how God arranges things but so often I get an unexpected blessing

when I really could use it, as you could tell my my last blog post...

So beautiful! look at the doily!!!

My Aunt's card explained that my Oma (her Mom) made this

and the other crocheted things! Take a look!

(My Oma died at nearly 103 in 2011)...

I already have plans for BOTH of these table runners 

and am so pleased with them!

Pink cloth placemats! I am going to try 

them out tomorrow at my small

tea table!

Two neat tea towels! One from Jamaica and

 the other one is hand embroidered! 

And 12 napkin rings of two styles! 

They are just darling and I look forward to using them!

***

It was like God was reassuring me that I could have 

dinner parties again one day.

I've been really sad about so many leaving who I used to have over.

***

Well, speaking of tables and linens, tomorrow I hope to change my

table cloth out for Pentecost this Sunday 

(I know, we are so late this year!) and will put 

my Easter/Pascha decorations away...

***

I may be going to the MET museum in NYC in July!

***

Anyway, today was better and I think next week will be

good... my cold is dissipating more daily,

we have more church and I may go to NYC as well...

***

Meanwhile, I best get to sleep :)

***

God bless you each one 

and keep you in His care... 

Thursday: challenges

 

This week has been hard.

Super crazy bad sleeps.

Last night I not only woke up at 3 AM but was

crying after reading some things and did not get 

back to sleep till 7.

I am not even fully sure why I had tears.

I have guesses.

I think I am having a hard time with the crazy way this 

pandemic changed so much.

I have lost so many people locally and otherwise

and am weary and sad.

I am also trying to work on my writing project which is

big, evolving and is the biggest research project I've ever done.

And I've done some big ones.

It is stretching me, challenging me and pushing me.

***

My Husband shared this quote recently:

Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

***

I feel like my writing project may be that very thing I am called to do.

***

But I have had so many things go 'bust' in my life.

Books I was reading,

routines I was building, 

art (sewing) I used to do

Knitting that I never really kept up on.

Now I am writing and reading and researching

and not cooking or baking as much.

I can't even blog as much.

So it's like this really strange lonely thing

where I am putting my time, effort, attention, everything,

into this project and I don't even know if it will get off the ground.

Yet it is a project that has given me so much joy, so much

to mull over, so much to learn.

It's like the perfect one for me.  

But boy.  It's hard.

Esp not knowing what I am doing and if this is going anywhere

and will I have the support I need when I need it?

***

I am thinking about that last part a lot.

I feel like we are all so weary, so burdened and so many of

us are just wishing for a friend, for some sort of support

and it's there but not there and in ways I feel

overwhelmed by the emptiness of visible support.

***

So I am sorry I am not always around like I used to be.

I miss that. 

I am still trying to get my footing.

***

Well. It feels good to be here.

My old routine :)

***

I pray you are well, or if struggling like most of us,

that in the struggle, you have something.

Some way forward, the next step.

The light in darkness, 

a comforting moment, a bit of peace,

a reminder that you are loved.

And that God loves us more than anyone else can.

***

God keep you dear ones.

Wednesday: on the mend

 Just a quick hello!

My cold, I hope, is slowly dissipating. 

I've been fun reading some Madeleine L'Engle Interviews

and some Elder Sophrony.

It's been really nice.

My cold is progressing but I hope it is 

progression in a way that it is leaving.

I think this is the case.

I pray you are well and that God is giving you

what you need in the moments of your life!

Monday: the late Spring cold: "it flourishes!"

 

Do you see it? The heart shape? :)

***

Well hello, yes I am still here.

It's nearly midnight so to bed soon I hope.

And yes, I got a cold.  I suddenly felt unwell just after vespers.

By Sunday morning I figured out I had post-nasal drip.

I stayed home Sunday.

Today I have a head cold and am tired.  But I know it is

just a cold so I am accepting it and trying to recover from it.

Many naps. Lots of reading.

I don't have my photos up to date so can't show you that part.

But I am reading about NYC and the destruction of the twin towers

for research for my writing project.  Harrowing reading.

But I have to do it if I am going to do my project properly.

***

Well.  I better go now.

Last week was super busy.  We had Ascension Thursday,

vespers Wednesday, NYC Friday, vespers Saturday and then I got sick.

And in between all that I was super busy with various things.

***

Thank God.

My Aunt H always says a cold last 7 days and that's the way it is.

I pray you are well.

God bless you all! 

Monday: first time in our summer time pool!

 

I went swimming today! Yay!

And a walk too... 

reading more of L'Engle's A Severed Wasp, this is at least

the third time I have read it...

I pray your week began with some hope ... 

may Christ have mercy on us! 

NYC was wonderful...

Good evening! or Morning! whenever you are reading this! Pictures to come but for now, here's a little snippet I wrote up about today...

I am so happy that I got to go to NYC. Just being out, seeing lots of people out and about (and in the library) was so nice. I had a hamburger for lunch and an early dinner of curry with beef. My cab driver (my Husband is being cautious so I took the PATH train (the one between NJ and NYC) in and then a cab when in NYC instead of a subway) on the way back to the PATH station was African and he was thin and his face had lines by his eyes that showed his age and also his suffering. I asked him how long he had been in NYC and I learned just 3 years, Feb 2019 he came, so he was here just a year before the pandemic. He had no idea it would be so hard, being in NYC and that everything costs so much and work not as easy to get as he thought. He had family in NYC now and back in Africa. He was surprised that I knew he spoke French; I could tell. Sadly I don't speak French but I was able to say that I know he is richer than me knowing more that one language and that one of the ways the US is quite behind is in the lack of language training we have. I always love talking to cab drivers. They are often men from other countries and have such interesting stories. I don't know that I have met one who was so honest about not liking NYC but feeling that he could not leave. As I was leaving, with raincoat on as it was raining, I waved and said, God bless you and he received it as the blessing it was meant to be and for that moment, I knew he was happy.

Wednesday Nearing Thursday

Hello and here we are again!

How was your day?

Mine was surprisingly heavy.

I am not sure why exactly.

***

It was my Grandma's 91st birthday.

I wanted to call her but it did not work out, a disappointment

and frustration.

A card is in the mail to her and I hope to call her very soon...

***

Actually I think that was one of the struggles with today.

A lot of what I wanted to do did not happen.

But what did happen was that I got my hair cut,

Thank You God... and I went on a long walk this morning.

But it was hard.

***

I am reading some beautiful, profound and challenging things

about the need to be thankful.

The things I know are sometimes hard to practice. 

You too?

***

So. Tomorrow I am going to NYC!

To my library mainly.

I am pretty much packed.

I've been looking forward to this for a long time.

Still have to wear a mask.

But just to go is pretty exciting.

I have a list of things to research.

It's going to be good, God willing.

***

Things take such a long time.

***

Patience. Thanksgiving. Hope.

Lord help us!

May God bless save and have mercy on us!

Tuesday Almost Wednesday

 

Just a quick note to say hello

and that I hope all is well!

I had a good holiday weekend...

I felt like we relaxed in the first time in quite a while...

May God have mercy on us!

Wednesday: In the Middle of the Feast (Mid-Pentecost)

It was wonderful to be in church this morning for

the feast of Mid-Pentecost.

***

I had cause to look up the prayer for this special feast day 

(It's called Mid-Pentecost because it is exactly the middle day

between Pascha and Pentecost)

which is as follows, with some Scripture reference mentioned:

The Troparion of the Midfeast 

"In the middle of the Feast, O Savior,

 fill my thirsting soul with the waters of godliness, 

as Thou didst cry to all:

 If anyone thirst, let him come to Me and drink

 [John 7:37]. 

O Christ God, Fountain of our life, glory to Thee!"

***

I found myself thinking about purity and water

and the holiness of God while at liturgy...

how healing comes through Christ... 

***

I am continually amazed at how I can be at liturgy

and in such a beautiful church

and most of our surrounding city does not know we exist

or that the church is so beautiful, not to mention the possibility 

for community, church family and healing that comes through

actively practicing one's faith there.

***

Well.  I am FINALLY caught up on dishes.

This week went a bit sideways and 

I've been struggling to catch up.

And today was very full,

with liturgy, then lunch at home,

working on my writing project, rest, more work,

a good walk with Mr Husband, dinner,

reading, emails, prayer, dishes... 

***

I really want to get going on my writing project in earnest again.

I am making some progress on it at least.

***

Asking your prayers for my sister and brother-in-law's wish

to adopt their foster son; they are experiencing a lot of 

very unexpected curve balls and it's been hard; 

they have had him since birth and he will be two this summer.

We love that little button of a boy with all our hearts

and wish it was not so difficult to know that we can have him

as a forever nephew for me, son for my sister...

I can't tell you more or show you how cute he is

but I can tell you he is very loved and happy now

and has no idea that his past and possible future have 

any complexity... 

***

Well, I am relieved that I at least have dishes done,

towels are nearly done in laundry; 

more to fold; more to wash.

***

I was reminded again of how tired many (all?) of us are.

The pandemic has really done a number on our world.

I know I am quite tired, my Husband too and I think most of us...

***

I am so thankful for the good things,

like books to read, research and writing for me;

cooking, baking; a beautiful flower, taking a walk...

***

May God help us all and have mercy on us!