(Day 37) without Cleo: a reflection

I remember when my +Aunt Karen died, 

I had a very special event I went to a few weeks afterwards.

My Mom and my cousin A went with me to Yonkers

(right before they closed :( ) and we found a really nice 

dress and jacket, a long strand of pearls that I wear often

strung three times around my neck 

(it then is just under my neckline).

And I started getting pretty hats, the first one being my black one.

(I now have a black, white and maroon one of the same style

and a newer smaller (in width) hat that is a maroon/burgundy but 

a different style). 

I wanted to be "perfect" in my outfit and did indeed have a lot of fun

with it and later got a aqua-green dress that goes with the pink jacket

that I wore when my goddaughter came to visit 

and it was such a special time... 

***

Yesterday I used my beloved +Aunt Karen's cream leather purse

when I went shopping.  I was given the purse last Christmas

but did not have room in my luggage then, so I have just had it 

with me in NJ for a week or so. 

It was really nice to use.

I wear her ring a lot as well.

***

There was a lady in Ottawa, of an older more refined generation,

she always looked impeccable and wore the best (and not ostentatious) hats.

I have always admired these ladies.

***

I am not an impeccable dresser and instead of hats (most days) I wear bananas

of various colours slung comfortably over my hair.

It's rare that I iron clothes and I wear nice cotton plain coloured

"tee-shirts" from ll bean that I try to get on sale

and wear with a skirt...and my pretty Birkenstock sandals... 

Most days I don't wear makeup and in general don't 

feel self-conscious about that.

***

I am becoming more aware of the link I have,

in my current life, with grief and beauty.

And with special events after grief.

I am going to a special wedding in about a month

(will tell you all about it after the fact!) and I will wear

my silver ball gown, DV, that I got at an upscale consignment shop,

my new hat and my new makeup. 

I have a small black purse as well to go with...

***

I think also I am trying to be in touch with some of the happy

times in my life; when I was working in Ottawa, dressing up and 

wearing make up or when I got married and my friend S and I went

makeup shopping and she did my make up for my wedding

and we had some fun doing practice runs and she was so kind,

she gave me a manicure and pedicure! 

And we had such amazing talks and times...

She held my train up when I was going up stairs for the wedding and 

it was such a special joyous time...

***

I am not sure what it means that Cleo is gone;

I still expect to see her at times or think I see her;

I miss her comforting presence; I miss holding her

like a baby and feeling her soft thick furry fur.

I miss her complaining and our conversations,

as it were, and having her met us at the door...

I don't cry every day about her loss now,

but I still have days where I really want to watch Perry Mason

and I still want chocolate or ice cream a bit more than before.

And I find happiness in preparing for my friend's wedding

and doing everything to look "my best" (in this world's standards,

other than the fact that I don't go for immodesty in dress! and my makeup is

"natural and delicate" to quote a kind friend) for

this wedding... esp as it is a more dressy event

and the only wedding I have been with a dress code,

I am looking forward to it

but at the same time am aware of the link to my grief about

Cleo as the wedding invite came after I was missing Cleo

and still in the first 2 weeks of grieving. 

***

So I am aware of this link and see it.

I guess I am just riding this wave and will, DV,

enjoy dressing up for the wedding and "playing" with the makeup.

***

The few times a month I go to my NYC library for work days

(as in working on my essays) I wear nice business-casual clothes

and makeup; it's like a nice day out. 

And I get work done (and lots of walking in!

Though yesterday was exceptional for this, I walked about 10K steps!)

***

I am really glad for my NYC library as it gives me a place to go,

a community to belong to (church is still first obviously) and

a place to work.

***

I know it is really helping me with the loss of Cleo too.

***

Well, that's what I can see for now;

loss is always different but has threads that are the same,

I find.  I am thankful for it all. 

Today's beauty...

It has been a while since I was able to 

light all my lampadas in the morning.

It's such a blessing to be able to do...

*

I've been thinking a lot about our condition here on this earth

and how so many things can throw us off,

even of routine things...

Consistency, constant-ness, firmness, resolute purpose,

stability, all are part of what I am thinking of

and that not many of us fully have...

at least if we are honest...

*

A bad head cold, unexpected events, a new 

responsibility, the changing of seasons, 

all can impact what we wish we were easily:

constant, not inconsistent, not 

easily 'off our game' or derailed from a new purpose...

*

It's hardest I think about the spiritual life.

I've seen it in my life, 

in the life of my friends, 

we try to start something new or anew,

whether it's a more structured or consistent prayer routine,

or spiritual reading or trying to have balance of 

computer/non-computer time,

or whatever it is that we are aware of struggling with.

*

It's a challenge for sure. 

But not something to be dismayed at,

just something to keep at I think.

*

I find that regular confession also helps so much;

it's like one gets to start over and is renewed...

for the challenge of this life,

for seeking to love Christ more...

*

In other news,

I made the last plum torte of the season.

I hope to share it with Mr. Husband this week...

perhaps with some whipping cream...

{Our time in PEI} ~ Green Gables ~ the other bedrooms

Matthew's room perhaps or a farm hands.

 Bright beautiful and yet spare. 

Marilla's room and gloves.

I love the beauty they gave even to

washing and to chamber pots.

Life, all of it, can be made to be beautiful in

discretion, discreetness and decorum.

If only we today would grasp this more deeply... 

{Our time in PEI} ~ Farm at Green Gables

It is easy to wish for a simpler past

but in our current life and how we live 

it would require a lot more than what we have:

namely community I think.

Even my Grandmother canned her fruits and vegetables 

with family; farms and community were made for a world

where there was more interdependence and working together.

 I think it is the latter that we actually miss

when wishing to be living in a different time;

this and the beauty that the past has that is not always continued

or replicated today.... 

Our eyes look to the heavens, where does come our help...

 

Feast of the Holy Cross 2011.
*
Victory only comes through the Cross.
The Resurrection of Christ happened in the
tomb of Christ.
In the time of greatest suffering,
came the time of our salvation,
the Lord's Great and Holy Pascha.
Today let us be with Christ
so we can die with Him
in order to be raised with Him.
To be a Christian is this.
*
How hard it is for us to suffer, how very hard.
We must keep eternity in view and
the goal must be to be with Christ now and later.
*
It is these truths that I find it all comes back to...