I remember when my +Aunt Karen died,
I had a very special event I went to a few weeks afterwards.
My Mom and my cousin A went with me to Yonkers
(right before they closed :( ) and we found a really nice
dress and jacket, a long strand of pearls that I wear often
strung three times around my neck
(it then is just under my neckline).
And I started getting pretty hats, the first one being my black one.
(I now have a black, white and maroon one of the same style
and a newer smaller (in width) hat that is a maroon/burgundy but
a different style).
I wanted to be "perfect" in my outfit and did indeed have a lot of fun
with it and later got a aqua-green dress that goes with the pink jacket
that I wore when my goddaughter came to visit
and it was such a special time...
***
Yesterday I used my beloved +Aunt Karen's cream leather purse
when I went shopping. I was given the purse last Christmas
but did not have room in my luggage then, so I have just had it
with me in NJ for a week or so.
It was really nice to use.
I wear her ring a lot as well.
***
There was a lady in Ottawa, of an older more refined generation,
she always looked impeccable and wore the best (and not ostentatious) hats.
I have always admired these ladies.
***
I am not an impeccable dresser and instead of hats (most days) I wear bananas
of various colours slung comfortably over my hair.
It's rare that I iron clothes and I wear nice cotton plain coloured
"tee-shirts" from ll bean that I try to get on sale
and wear with a skirt...and my pretty Birkenstock sandals...
Most days I don't wear makeup and in general don't
feel self-conscious about that.
***
I am becoming more aware of the link I have,
in my current life, with grief and beauty.
And with special events after grief.
I am going to a special wedding in about a month
(will tell you all about it after the fact!) and I will wear
my silver ball gown, DV, that I got at an upscale consignment shop,
my new hat and my new makeup.
I have a small black purse as well to go with...
***
I think also I am trying to be in touch with some of the happy
times in my life; when I was working in Ottawa, dressing up and
wearing make up or when I got married and my friend S and I went
makeup shopping and she did my make up for my wedding
and we had some fun doing practice runs and she was so kind,
she gave me a manicure and pedicure!
And we had such amazing talks and times...
She held my train up when I was going up stairs for the wedding and
it was such a special joyous time...
***
I am not sure what it means that Cleo is gone;
I still expect to see her at times or think I see her;
I miss her comforting presence; I miss holding her
like a baby and feeling her soft thick furry fur.
I miss her complaining and our conversations,
as it were, and having her met us at the door...
I don't cry every day about her loss now,
but I still have days where I really want to watch Perry Mason
and I still want chocolate or ice cream a bit more than before.
And I find happiness in preparing for my friend's wedding
and doing everything to look "my best" (in this world's standards,
other than the fact that I don't go for immodesty in dress! and my makeup is
"natural and delicate" to quote a kind friend) for
this wedding... esp as it is a more dressy event
and the only wedding I have been with a dress code,
I am looking forward to it
but at the same time am aware of the link to my grief about
Cleo as the wedding invite came after I was missing Cleo
and still in the first 2 weeks of grieving.
***
So I am aware of this link and see it.
I guess I am just riding this wave and will, DV,
enjoy dressing up for the wedding and "playing" with the makeup.
***
The few times a month I go to my NYC library for work days
(as in working on my essays) I wear nice business-casual clothes
and makeup; it's like a nice day out.
And I get work done (and lots of walking in!
Though yesterday was exceptional for this, I walked about 10K steps!)
***
I am really glad for my NYC library as it gives me a place to go,
a community to belong to (church is still first obviously) and
a place to work.
***
I know it is really helping me with the loss of Cleo too.
***
Well, that's what I can see for now;
loss is always different but has threads that are the same,
I find. I am thankful for it all.
